Generally Bad Ideas

Feathery pubes pump pandemonium through my body, my temple, my soulless existence. This new craze! This nation-sweeping, crotch-rocketing fashion trend! Just a few feathers, and I’m exhilarated, exuberant, phenomenal again.

It’s like being able to breathe again for the very first time, again.

It’s like having sex with a time machine that’s covered in feathers and offering a reasonable discount on future sex. It’s like Kayne in a whirlpool with arm floaties and leather slippies. It’s like being asked to step out of the closet by the Whirlpool man only to step into a bear trap made out of gray goose feathers. Fee-nominal!

Haven’t felt this drunk on life since I was a preteen experimenting with vodka and tampons at the same time. I feel safe, excited, but still well informed; like subscribing to a conservatively run menstruation periodical, I never have to worry about information leaking before I go to press… a tampon into my Netherlands. What can I say? I live the life of a tattooed boy with a trained dragon. I’ve slipped into something more comfortable - the wild side.

I’m sure you want to hear more about the feathers. I’ve chosen pink and red, and yellow, of course, to bring out the color in my eyes. And by eyes I mean eye and by eye I mean my clit. And by color I mean tiny red dots surrounding my whispering pine farm.  A lot of clutter in my gutter.

But then, that’s why I got the feathers. More efficient even than a predawn skeet-sweeper. 

So elegant. Rows and rows of rose-tipped pubes and poison-tipped sexual desire, woven into a tapestry of seduction. A blanket you want to curl up inside to escape the drab, earth-toned reality of the majority.

Unstoppable doesn’t quite capture it. Insatiable is too weak. Lustable to the point of cumbustable… that’s more like it.

Pube Feathers™. 

If there are two things I know it's that existentialism is real and that swinging without restraint is bad for the heart bones. For those who may not know, a swinger is someone who thinks every room in the house is a potential playground and that marriage is between a square peg and however many round holes that square peg can get to come over on a Tuesday night. Swinging started in the animal kingdom around the time animal rights became popular in China. Most animals have sex: Fact. The "missionary" and the "falling goat grab" are favorites among the more conservative creatures - but it's still sex. There are some animals, however, that take inbreeding to the next level. These are the swingers. To them, sex is a joke with 85 punch lines and a gene pool is what happens on the forest floor whenever a group of monkeys comes together. According to LiveScience:

Bonobo moms hit up their kids when they're feeling frisky

Spotted Hyenas can't help but cross swords because all the ladies have boom-boom sticks

Male walruses have recently admitted that they are basically just large, cold-water penises

Hanging flies seduce with delectable snacks: Aphrodisiacs