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i go by the horseless headsman because I don’t have a horse but I get head

I’m going to go fuck myself but not because you said to

officer help!! my penis has shattered!!

Do hsa’s cover lobotomies

I met jack the ripper she’s black

why doesn’t the pope use his magic for good like rigging sports betting

the other night I was staring into the abyss and wouldn’t you know it it stared right back

white people love music from airline commercials

eating dates In the shower pretending I’m a chimp in the rainforest

when the detectives find this blog they’ll understand why I was killed

What if instead of chess it was called “chest” and instead of pawns you played with your nipplesssssss

i have never in my life seen or been affected by a flash flood leading me to believe they do not exist

“severe thunderstorm watch” oohhh noo not a big scary cloud get real dude it rains more in my shower and I’m butt ass fucking naked in there

I can only think of one job I’ve ever had where I didn’t have a boss named Mike

they sell fennel at the grocery store??? nw so many people overdosing on ts

I can’t listen to mommy asmr bc I’m worried it’ll fry something important in my brain

you might think you’re down bad but I had a coworker say he thought it’d be hot if remy from ratatouille made the dude crank his shit in public