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i started mixing 170g of greek yogurt with white monsters as a breakfast ironically, but my god this shit is unreal

I was thinking about the way that people use the word Godzilla as like a big monster. For instance, today I wanted to call my cat "Stinkzilla" but I realize that when you do that you're just saying that she's a stinky lizard. The real intimidating part of Godzilla is the fact that he's called a God. When you removed the word God from it, he just becomes a lizard. So if I were to call my cat Stinkzilla, it loses the fact that what I'm really saying is that she's like if Godzilla was stinky. I don't know how to call her a stinky monster any other way though.

going to mcdonald’s and ending my order with “on the rocks”

the lion does not concern himself with chest pain radiating down the left arm

It’s weird to think everyone’s horny but no one talks about it in public. Like if everyone I knew had the same haircut but it was rude to bring it up I’d be fucking annoyed as shit.

horses are cow hardware running on dog software

Uplifting News: Doc says my fart muscles made a full recovery

lindsey graham came to me in a dream he said his drag name was Alexandra Graham Belle and that it’s really hot where he is

my drag name is julius pleaser

If I die before knowing what I look like when I have an orgasm that’s perfectly fine by me

I wish I could text my cat when I’m away to let her know she’s gay

fun fact: I had a friend who dated a guy named Larry and we were both really big fans of the evil Larry cat memes so I would send her those memes pretty frequently and eventually we found out that he cheated on her with three different women in the span of like two months 

the greatest trick the devil ever pulled is my penits

my superpower is when people are mean to me I stab them

Dr Pepper can be used as an ingredient in bbq as well as sexual lubricants