Trials in Triathlon Training

ah i did it! i actually accomplished a fitness goal! finally, after an entire year of not setting intentions, not caring enough to try and not wanting to move my body in front of strangers.

for some reason last week, something changed. i think what it comes down to is that i’m just tired of feeling sad all the time. so i thought about setting some goals to get myself moving again. i started so small, with getting myself to do 10 squats a day for 7 days or whatever. i failed. then i tried going to the gym twice a week. i somehow couldn’t manage that, either. and then i just broke. i wrote my goal down and slapped it on my fridge: go to the fucking gym for 5 days in a row. and then write about it.

and here i am, covered in a thin layer of salt, feeling really fucking good. and i’m writing about it. i just finished my fifth workout and i accomplished my goal. it may sound so silly — that 5 days really isn’t that much and it was only the elliptical — but i’ve been so flaky and lazy with so much in my life this past year that it felt like a breakthrough to meet a tangible goal. i feel like now that i’ve done this i can keep going. i can set and complete other goals, in other areas of my life. 

my eating also sorta changed this week. i’m still really bad at eating fresh fruits and veggies. but i made it a point not to binge these past couple weeks. it got bad there for a while, y’all. i was starting to eat like an entire bag of chips ahoy in one sitting. or like an entire big bag of cheddar chex mix. now i’m just controlling portions, eating more protein and less bread. but nice, small-ish/normal portions and little to no soda, juice or alcohol. i also cut out all the fast food. which makes me sad tbh because whataburger.

physically i’m exactly the same. size 12 jeans with an ass that won’t quit. 

this month’s 5 on 5 is dedicated to my off-the-charts anxiety. these past two days have been especially brutal. work has me beyond stressed and my personal life isn’t too great either. here’s what i’m trying to do to cope:

1. drink a lot of water. a lot of it is mental. it makes me feel like i’m flushing out all the bad in me, both mental and physical.

2. write. write everywhere, everything, all the time. it helps keep my mind occupied and it also lets me sort internal things out on paper. 

3. get out of town. it’s been so bad this week that i’ll probably end up going to santa fe, just to put some space between me and my anxiety.

4. shop. i usually default to this when things are crappy but not Bad. But sometimes buying a new pair of shoes or something just makes me feel calmer (but not usually because then i start freaking out about finances). 

5. think ahead. when the present is too much to handle i’ll think about the good things to come, like going to austin and nyc next month. or like right now it’s so bad that i’m distracting my mind by thinking about the leftover pizza i’m going to eat later. 

honestly one of the biggest reasons i haven’t wanted to run in a while is because the last few runs were surrounded by bad things. first, in the spring, i went for a run and immediately broke out in hives after i stopped. it freaked me out.

i just remembered i got tagged in one of these a couple days ago! here it is:

Relationship status: single  

Favorite color: right now it’s all shades of greens and blues!

Pets: the best cat in the world! her name is olive and she looks like an oil slick.

Cats or dogs: mostly cats, but i truly love all animals. even some bugs.

Coke or Pepsi: diet coke! it’s a heavy habit i’m constantly trying to kick.

Chapstick or lipstick: burt’s bees!

Last Song I listened to: sorry by the moth & the flame

Favorite TV show: seinfeld

First Fandom: fandom? i guess harry potter. but i was never a super active member.

hi! i’m late on this again, but not record late! I’m still dealing with an assload of emotions, but i’m really proud at how i get better every time they creep up. i’m getting better. Here are some Good Things: 

1. I’m currently reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. It’s good, but i need to carve out more space to sit and read!

2. I’m one payment away from paying off my credit card! My balance was never outrageously high but it still feels good.

3. I wrote a story on Chico’s Tacos and it did really, really really well. Check it out!

4. I’ve started watching The Great British Baking Show and it’s truly the greatest fucking thing. It’s so good for my anxiety. It’s so positive and relaxing! Highly recommended if you’re completely burned out and sad, or even if you’re not.

for this month’s perpetually late 5 on 5, i’m going to list five goals i want to complete in july. i’ve really let myself get overgrown, and now i’m excited to start pruning and tending and making myself Good Again.

1. complete a couch to 5k plan. i’ve fallen off so much that a very simple 20 minute run yesterday completely knocked me out. so i’m starting from square one all over again.

2. go somewhere! whether it’s santa fe or to a different side of town, i desperately need a change of scenery.

3. write something. i’ve got some really good story ideas for work and this is the month i’m gonna get ‘em done. 

4. pay all my bills in a timely manner. july/august are the first months of full bills and i’m so nervous. i know i make enough to pay everything, but i’m also really bad at handling my money and making it last. sigh.

Moving has totally, completely kicked my ass. I feel like I haven’t stopped moving/thinking/planning/setting up for weeks now. It’s taking a big toll on my mental health, but the push is kinda worth it. My apartment is really coming together and the people I’ve had over said it feels welcoming and comfortable. 

I’m not struggling quite as much with anxiety and depression as I had been a couple months ago. I’m not sure what really changed, but I’ve just decided to stop stressing out about relationship stuff. I no longer have the mental capacity to cry anymore over this one guy. It’s whatever now. I’m trying my hardest to focus on myself and what I need and want. I’m also trying harder to set up a good routine now that I’m living on my own. 

thanks, anon :) i’m definitely reevaluating how exercising fits into my life. i’m honestly not sure if triathlon still fits, but definitely getting up and moving needs to be a bigger priority for me for so many reasons. 

sorry for all the quiet, all. i’m having a hard time. i’m not exercising. i’ve developed worse habits and i’m working on digging myself out of a dark hole. here are 5 things you might not know about me:

1. i have a black cat named olive and she’s one of the best things to come into my life in a deeply dark time. she follows me around and is super chatty and looks like a puddle of oil.

2. i move into my first apartment all on my own next week! it’s something i’ve wanted to do for as long as i can remember. these are my years. i’m not going straight from my father’s house to my husband’s house. i get to carve out the life of my choosing and i am here for it.

3. i like to think i’m an independent, self-driven person in just about every aspect except for health and fitness. like, i take so much initiative at work, but i can’t translate any of that into getting off my ass and onto the road/bike/mat/whatever. it’s frustrating. 

4. i currently have 8 ear piercings and am really ready to get a couple more. i’m running out of space on my ears and am wondering what to pierce next. nose? nipples? haha kidding, kinda. 

only two days late! 

1. i just washed my hair for the first time in 5 days. shattered all previous records of how long i went between washings. it felt horrible but omg it looked amazing. so texture-y and undone. 

2. my cinco de mayo featured work, some big existential-y/relationship-y arguing with someone i like, sobbing and barbacoa tacos. the tacos honestly cancelled out all the bad.

3. i just listened to the new radiohead album for the first time, and listened to it while reading junot díaz. 10/10 would recommend. 

4. i’m a hot sleeper. my skin gets alarmingly warm when i sleep. if i’m sleeping with someone it makes it uncomfortable for them to cuddle with me for more than a couple minutes.