the anarcho communist druid

the way people fear it is immoral to not only be a trans woman but to desire intimacy with trans women..

the way people fear it is immoral to not only be disabled but to desire intimacy with disabled people..

cannot be separated from the history of eugenic ideas surrounding "incorrect" bodies and desires being not only immoral but somehow contagious & the genocidal propaganda that the whole of humanity can be "degraded" by contact (especially sexual contact) with populations deemed fit for extermination.

these fears rooted in explicitly white supremacist, colonial, and eugenic logics are still extremely present today even in progressive circles.

Interestingly, the word “fetish” is derived from the Portuguese word for “artificial.” This should raise some eyebrows given the previous chapter’s discussion of the term “queer” being synonymous with “phony” and “counterfeit.” In both cases, these phenomena are interpreted as “fake” because they fail to adhere to the Predator/Prey script and to other beliefs about who is considered “normal” and thus “worthy” of being desired. And as with lay presumptions about queerness, the Fetish mindset sexualizes all parties involved. The person who is attracted to “illegitimate objects of desire” is reduced to the status of a “fetishist,” to the exclusion of other characteristics. This exclusion of other characteristics helps to explain why onlookers are so quick to assume that “fetishists” must be obsessed with, and singularly focused on, their “fetish.” In reality, such individuals typically have numerous other interests, both sexual and otherwise. As with other groups who are framed as “sexual deviants,” “fetishists” are routinely depicted as literal predators, as evidenced by the pejorative descriptor “chaser” that is often applied to them (“trans chaser,” “chubby chaser”). In contrast, individuals who obsessively or aggressively pursue cisgender and thin people are never described as “chasers.”

While the person who is attracted to me is reduced to the status of a “fetishist,” as the supposed illegitimate object of desire, I am reduced to the status of a “fetish object,” to the exclusion of other characteristics. This exclusion of other characteristics helps to explain why onlookers assume that my partners must be primarily attracted to the fact that I am transgender, rather than to my freckles or many other traits. Thus, the Fetish mindset constitutes yet another way in which my transgender body, identity, and experiences are sexualized by others. Furthermore, because people tend to view me as an illegitimate object of desire, they may presume that I must be “desperate” for sexual attention. This “desperate” trope is a common justification for sexual harassment and assault targeting people who are fat, disabled, or basically anybody who is (mis)construed as unattractive or “ugly” in some way.

In other words, the Fetish mindset undermines us in two potential ways. First, it desexualizes us by creating the impression that we are unlovable and undesirable. But on the flip side of the same coin, it occasionally hypersexualizes us by portraying us as “objects” of other people’s “fetishes,” and insisting that this is the only way that we can be sexually appreciated."

Example:

As a kid, I constantly lived in fear of damaging shit in my parent's house. The walls. The floors (especially the floors. The wood was beautiful. Shiny. But so easy to scratch). The cabinets.

As a sixteen-year-old, I once took my car to the dealership after work and paid a very dear sum of $250 ($10/hr cashier salary) to fix a slight scratch in the paint because I knew if my father saw it there would be hell to pay. It didn't matter that I parked far out, like I'd been taught, and someone scratched it anyway. It was my fault. I failed in my duties as a steward of my vehicle.

Every time I scratched a rim on a curb while parallel parking or got a door ding or, god forbid, didn't wash and vacuum that car every weekend, it was treated like some sort of moral failing.

Last year, when my husband and I first moved into our house, he scraped the side of our car when parking in our (Very Narrow) garage. When he told me, my first instinct was to be afraid for him. Like something terrible was going to happen to him because of this mistake. I urgently reassured him that it was okay, it was an accident, I wasn't mad. Baffled, he was like, "Yeah? I know? Like, thank you for the reassurance, but I'm only a little annoyed, I'm not upset. It's just a car." And I had to take several minutes to process that. It's...just a car.

We keep the car tidy. We maintain it. But we wash it maybe 4x a year. We only vacuum it after dirty road trips or when the dog hair starts to get annoying. It has scrapes and dings and the leather seats have stains. But that's ok. Because it's just a car.

This morning, I realized that a small rock had gotten embedded in the felt foot on one of our bar stools. Neither of us had noticed. There are now scratches on our beautiful hardwood floor. My immediate response was fear accompanied by a heavy measure of paralyzing guilt. "I'm so sorry," I told my husband, "I should have noticed. I'll figure out how to fix it, I swear. I can probably sand down that section and match the stain and--"

"Whoa, hey," he said. "It was an accident. And it's fine. Floors are going to get damaged. They're floors. We live here. There was damage in places before we even bought the house, remember? It's not a big deal. It's just a floor." Right. It's just a floor. Right.

My husband's mom is visiting and this afternoon, as I was sitting in the kitchen looking at the scratches on the floor, I offhandedly asked her if my husband had ever broken or damaged anything as a kid. "Of course," she said. Household items. A TV. A wrecked car during his teen years. I asked how she punished him.

"Why would I punish him for things like that?" she said. "They were all accidents."

like basically with all of these it's like you're blamed for ruining their happy little family image just by existing and then they'll twist any narrative they can to smooth over any conflict and make themselves look supportive and wonderful and most importantly, make themselves the people who should be listened to and not you.

kids aren't fucking property, kids are human beings with autonomy and opinions and lives.

It's such a gross and harmful take to assume that every autistic person who shows their symptoms actually has a choice in it.

If an autistic person can't mask or can't mask well, then it's not unmasked. And quite often, a lot of those autistics are trying to mask for you and it is never seen or appreciated.

A lot of us aren't our authentic autistic selves just because we show symptoms. Many of us know how we come across and we can not help it, no matter how much you hate us for it.

We're held back by our own disability and people have the audacity to assume we're purposely doing that. That we're proud and happy to be like that.

If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you

If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

People are allowed to be wrong about you

If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect

Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it

The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something

You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it

Most things are better after you sleep on them

Most things are better after you have a meal

Most things are better after you shower

Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"

If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction

If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction

"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier

If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two

You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction

When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery

People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves

If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it

If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable

If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it

If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it

Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step

Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary

If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike

Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP

No one cares what you look like

If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"

People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company

You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you

If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly

You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will

Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable

Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it

Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier

This makes people very angry and panicky.

My mental health improved in ways it had not in the previous DECADE once I stopped. And. Sat. With failure. And thought about what my failure ... Was. And looked at the structures that produced it and examined them critically.

I think this anxiety is a really understandable consequence of people conflating behavioral/social ideas about gender with bodily characteristics that are “sexed.”

I have a post that still circulates sometimes from years ago about how when I was a little kid I used to write in my diary how I was scared to grow up cause everyone told me puberty would literally make me lose interest in things I liked and be compelled towards interest in things I didn’t (e.g. you’ll like boys when you’re older” style statements) and I was genuinely scared that meant I was going to be replaced by a different person against my will