Making Baby Undy

So reading back on my old posts... I realized, I am officially one of those... Annoying Pregnant women. Because I posted it on Facebook and I changed my Facebook photo to my ultrasound pic, and I even complained at how much weight I have gained.... And I sort of hate me for it.... But it happened and I didnt even realize it was happening.....

So I haven't posted in a long while.... But have big news... I'm pregnant! I am actually 12 weeks and 4 days today. I found out on the day of my 30th birthday party on Aug 25th. I wanted to update the blog right away but I was too nervous... too nervous on how it will make you (the trying to conceivers) feel. Because now I am one of those.... Another pregnant girl amongst a slew of friends who are desperately ttc. It is such an odd/uncomfortable/confusing feeling. On the one hand of course I am happy and excited but on the other.. I feel depressed and guilty. As I sat in the RE office waiting to have my first beta done, I looked around the room at all of the women with somber faces. I literally had to bite my cheek to hold back tears because I was just one of those women with a somber face. The hardest part was telling my ttc friends. Each time it was a conversation I dreaded. What to say? What not to say? How to not cry when I could clearly see tears in their eyes or hear it in their voice or sense it in their text? I just keep thinking.. Why me? Why not them? What if I were in their shoes? How do they go on? And the truth is, we all go on... because we have no choice. Time forces us to go on. But the feelings and emotions we have never go away.. not until those 2 pink lines show up. I often think, is not being able to have a child, the same as someone losing a loved one? In many ways I think it is harder. How can you mourn the loss of something you never had? How can you move on when there isn't a closing curtian? You can't... And I don't think people get that.... I get it.. or at least I think I get it.. even though I can't feel it.. So, please know.. I have not forgotton about you if you are still ttc! I think about you more than I think about anyone else. My heart goes out to you and pray that each and everyone of you is blessed with a child.

Why do some have an easy time getting pregnant and others struggle so much? Some try so hard to prevent pregnancy and yet it happens while others try so hard to get pregnant and can't. Why is it that someone trying for years is yet to be successful and someone just starting out gets it? Why does it have to be so unfair?

Waiting to ovulate Waiting to trigger Waiting to test Waiting for auntflo Wait, wait, wait!

So I am really considering boycotting Facebook. Everyday it seems there is a new pregnancy announcement, ultra sound photo, baby bump progress pic or "I feel so fat" comment. It is really starting to get to me. I have already adjusted my settings so I no longer see some constant pregnancy posters but I can't anticipate the new ones. And don't get me wrong, I am happy for these people, really I am.... But i can't help be jealous and wonder "When will it be my turn to make a Facebook pregnancy announcement??!"

I am not sure why but today my anxiety is through the roof. I can't seem to get comfortable with anything I try to do. I feel as though I have had 10 cups of coffee. What is this all about? 12 more days until I can test, which also happens to be my 30th birthday. So I am either going to be getting a crappy present or the best present in the world. Obviously I am hoping for the latter.

I had my cycle day 13 ultrasound at the new RE's office this past week after completing my first round of Femara. Here is how it went.... The RE office does ultrasounds early in the morning between 7:00 and 8:30. You call the nurse on cycle day 1 and inform them when cycle day 12 will be. I had to go on cycle day 13 as I wasnt able to make it on day 12. They write your name down and tell you to come in anytime between 7-830. I had planned on going closer to 830 since I didn't have to work and wanted to sleep in. However, my anxiety got the better of me and I was up by 630. So I headed out early. When I arrived I was suprised to see so many other women in the waiting room. I am not exactly sure why this suprised me, I guess it is just the shock of seeing some many others needing help with TTC. I signed in and was called back immediately to have my blood drawn. Then I was sent back into the waiting room to wait for my turn for the ultrasound. There is one nurse that completes the ultrasounds. I was 4th in line. I tried reading a bit while waiting but wasn't able to concentrate very much. After about 30-40 minutes my turn came. The tech was very efficient. She explained the procedure which I was already familair with and had me assume the position. She probbed the wand left and probbed it right. I asked if she were allowed to tell me anything as I couldn't see the screen. She said she was and smiled and said "I just measured a 20mm follicle on your right ovary." I literally was brought to tears by these words. I was so happy and releived that my body responded to the femara! The ultrasound took less than 2 minutes and I was out of there. The tech said they would probably have me trigger soon so she had a nurse explain how to give myself the shot. The nurse was also exteremly nice and made sure I was totally comfortable with the whole process. Later that day another nurse called me with my instructions to trigger on cycle day 15. She said the Doc wants the egg to get a little bit bigger. So, overall Cycle day 13 turned out to be awesome. It was a much better experience than working with the obgyn office and the stupid offsite center they had me go to and I received good news. Once again praying that it works!

9-10-11

Love this!

I often think, "What will I do when I see 2 pink lines?" Will I cry or stand there in disbelief? Will I jump up and down or have to sit down? Will I run and tell Mike or do something cute to let him know? Will I call my mom first or my best friend? Will I tell some people early or wait until 12 weeks? Will panic set that it might not stick or will I be too excited to panic? Will I update my blog first or post it on fertilty friend? Will I stop eating lunch meat and drinking wine that day or wait a little longer? These are just some of the crazy questions I ponder while thinking "What will it be like to see 2 pink lines?" What will it be like for you?

If I had a dollar for every time I have heard “You know what they say… When you stop trying is when it will happen” I would be very rich. So who exactly are these “they” people? And why do they have psychic abilities? Are these the same people that got pregnant on accident or the first month of trying? How about this other famous line “when you relax it will happen”. Really? It will? Does the sperm say to the egg “man you look pretty stressed out.. I think I will pass”? I will tell you that I was pretty damn relaxed the first, second, third, and fourth month of trying. But yet I have no baby to show for it. If in fact, “relaxing” gets you pregnant, why are there reproductive endocrinologists and why are they passing out clomid, Femara, metformin, gonal-f instead of xanax and valium? And if "relaxing" gets you pregnant maybe instead of passing out condoms to teenagers in health class they should start passing out more homework, pop quizzes and bad grades.....

Hard to say but I remember alot from when I was 3 years old.

Anyone else out there a TTC blogger?

I completed my five days of Femara on Saturday night. Overall I didn't experience many side effects with Femara except hot flashes. Nothing terrible though. Now I just have to pray that it works. I go for an ultrasound on Friday to check my follicle development. Once again my fingers and toes are crossed that something is developing.

My weekly vitamins... Inositol 1000mg 2x day for pcos Chromium 500mcg 1x day for pcos Cinnamon 1000mg 2x day for pcos Thytrophin pmg 2x day for thyroid Selenium 200mcg 1x day for thyroid Prenatal vitamin 1x day Vitamin D 1.25mg 1x week (for vit d deficiency)