Psychosis Succumbing

Im here in bed anxious and upset when I should be getting ready for one of the best days ever

I feel like I’m reaching my breaking point with Angie

Her aggression and high anxiety are just becoming too much for me

She fights me on anything and when I table the conversation she gets set into a panic attack

I was so embarrassed today I’m sure somebody saw her panicking and smacking me away

I tried to calm her down but she just yells at me

Then wants to pretend like everything’s fine

Ang wanted to get food and my cousin wanted to get food too and Jen so she offered to pick us up to get some but Angie wanted to be just us I told her I can cancel and she said no

Once we got in the car it wasn’t even meant to be a 5 minute drive and she got overwhelmed and started crying I had to tell my cousin to turn around

So we legit just took a fucking circle and got dropped back off and then I tell her to get her headphones for noise cancelling and she refuses and wants to go to a random taco spot that idk where it is and we get so frustrated she just says to go back to the hotel and honestly I had no fight left in me so we walked back

As soon as we got into the room she just covered herself in the blanket and fell asleep

Jen thankfully got me a burger

I’m so frustrated with Ang

Even on this trip that is so important there’s always something going on with her

I’m here sick to my stomach with anxiety and it’s because of her

I’ll never know what’s going to set her off

She embarrasses me so often I really don’t even know what to do anymore

I care about her but I feel my love fading

And that’s so hard for me to write because of how long it’s been now but I’m finding myself more and more sure that I’ll be disappointed by her at every turn.

Idek how I can separate myself from this girl now

She’s imbedded so deep into my life and that is what’s frustrating to me now

She relies on me for a home, a place to work and a social circle now

I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’m losing hope in this relationship everytime this stuff happens and she knows that.

Tattooing has never been this slow for me

It’s hard seeing my friends busy

I had executive dysfunction today

There’s too many things to pay for and not enough money coming in

Idk what I’m doing

I have no motivation to make art but that’s the only way I can pay my bills

I’m rlly sad I feel like a loser again

My dreams of getting a new car and owning a home just seem so far away

Wondering about tattooing and if I can’t be as hungry as I used to be especially because I have a team I need to feed too

Is that how it has to be? Do I need to sacrifice myself for them to thrive?

I wonder how I can make a better living

I’m supposed to be changing my business model where I get a salary instead of relying on my tattoos only

I wonder if it’ll be enough

Or if I need to look into another business model

Could this be the time to start my clothing company? How tf do I even start that

Bouta be 31 in a few weeks

I need to recognize that what other people’s lives are doesn’t have anything to do with me

I feel my self esteem rlly low lately

Love this little save point

I’m filled with rage and just overwhelming anxiety

My worst fears are being the shitty shop owner who only wants people’s money and doesn’t do shit besides upgrade their home and not the shop with Tattooer’s money

I feel like I’ve tried to make every necessary step along the way to make sure that what I’m providing is fair and it’s crazy how much more people wanna take

It’s like I can’t even get one leg up, one benefit of owning a shop

I have to struggle like everyone else

Except the fact is I am struggling

I am trying to figure it all out

On my fucking own

Im working on recognizing the foundation that has to exist

I literally told mars the shop is bigger than her

I have someone who’s so eager to start working for me

And now someone who thinks they’re better than all this

I invite you to go invent a vibe for yourself

Go see if anyone wants to join ur team and can handle your lack of communication and drama starting.

It’s just so ironic to me because of how much was said about wanting to stay

You love it here and yet with this whole incident I see one finger pointed at someone and 3 back pointed at you

It’s wild because I felt like there was something even deeper gnawing at the surface than just this petty drama

And so this is how we’re going about it.

Now that I’m aware I’m gonna look for signs tomorrow and I’m gonna confront her

Use her own words for her to hear

To see someone who I considered a friend talk about me like I’m exploiting them is the craziest shit I’ve ever seen.

What’s wild to me is just how much shit I’ve dealt with for the past few weeks and for someone to speak on things they know nothing about is astronomical to me

I feel like this whole thing is a facade now. How long have you felt like this? That before you were fine with the overhead but now suddenly it’s not?

I’m so unbelievably hurt it’s wild

I’ve been thinking so long wondering if I’m doing the right thing and wondering if I’m charging too much? Now that the shops finally making a profit I’m recognizing how much more I can do

And it’s just never good enough it seems

I feel like talking to Juan will help me gain some perspective

I feel so shit

Angie is sleeping right now I wish she was awake

I wish I didn’t see that message

I’ve gone based off of what my experience was and hell I’ve even charged less than what I was making

This makes me feel like if you’re not happy then just bounce don’t pretend to care and love us when you don’t

I dream about leaving this place and traveling the country in my rv

I’m so bored of everything

But how would I even survive

I didn’t love the tattoo I did today and I don’t think my client did either

I’m so upset that I’ve got to deal with the situation as dumb as this

Why can’t people figure out their own issues and talk ??

If something is bothering you just speak up

Why keep it in if it tears you up inside

It’s easy to just see these people as weak af but i know that’s not totally fair

Angie hates me talking like this but I’m so mad and frustrated

I need that picture of Dr Manhattan again