Love is a Ruthless Game

What Adolescence feels like? Actually, this college life is a mess. It only brings me memories that will hunt me forever. Those kind of beautiful memories you wish that didn’t matter, but still did. I have a discrete personality. I only show what people expect me to show them, a tough and strong one. I’m afraid they’ll see me at my vulnerable point, I won’t let that little mind of them to give a satisfaction, a vision of me being fragile nor me being defenseless. Everybody thought I’m independent enough to survive on my own, but I’m afraid to admit that I’m not. I am the kind of girl who is full of insecurities, I’m the girl full of doubts and I’m the girl who wish she doesn’t exist.

Life give me everything I want, it gives me enough information to appreciate life and to hate it even more. I don’t know if other feel this way, or it’s just my pretty little mind playing tricks on me. Some of us might think of taking away our own life, but realized how it matters to someone else, and the thought of how they’ll feel if we’re gone make us think how stupid idea it is, and in that point my friend I congratulate you because you finally reach the final stage of adolescence and now you’re finally a grown up.

When I first saw you I already knew

There is something inside of you

Something I thought I’ll never find

When I lost hope, you showed me love.

I look at you, lookin’ at me

Ang tagal ko hinintay yung true love. Sa totoo nga napagod na ako. Sobrang nakakapagod pala. Ang hirap kung flirtationship lang ang meron kayo. Wala kang pinanghahawakan, wala kang kasiguraduhan. Pero alam mo kung ano yungisang bagay na pinanghahawakan mo? ito yung wala namang kayo pero nararamdaman mo yung care ng isang taong sa tingin mo nagmamahal sayo.

Nagkasakitan man kayo o nasaktan ka man niya, alam ko na somewhere there in your heart, in my heart meron siyang lugar. Hindi na siya maaalis dun. Lagi na siyang parte ng buhay ko. Closure is a big bull shit! mahirap ibigay yun, masakit ibigay yun. Lagi kong hinihiling na sana bigyan ako ng closure, para matigil na yung mga bagay na pinanghahawakan ko, matigil na yung kahibangan ko na magkaroon ng salitang “Tayo” para aming dalawa. Pero hindi yun ganun kasimple, hindi yun madali. Mahirap ma-inlove sa taong hindi mo alam kung ano ang gusto, o di kaya hindi ikaw ang gusto. Life is a bitch right? lagi kang nasasaktan, it will left you devastated and wrecked.

Nakakainis ka, lagi mo na lang akong sinasaktan. Is it a habit? wag kang mag alala matagal naman na akong manhid. Di na kailangan ng effort mo. I don’t know how can you give me this feeling, this butterflies above me. Para akong nasa cloud nine, parang totoo lahat. Pero masakit lumaklak ng katotohanan, masakit malaman ang mga bagay na dapat malaman. Congratulations, you won, For the Nth time you won. 

Ang sakit pala. Napaka sakit maniwala na this time it will work. Na this time we are destined. Pero hindi naman ganun. Hindi ganun ang mga ending natin. Alam mo isa lang gusto kong sabihin sayo, MAG PAKA-LALAKI ka naman ang duwag-duwag mo eh, napaka daya mo. Lagi ka na lang ganito. Sana bigyan mo ko ng closure, wag mo ko bitinin. Nakaka sama lang ng loob na para akong tanga na naniniwala sa mga bagay na kahit kailan hindi naman mangyayari. I have enough shit for this goddamn 3 years. Everytime I reach the point where I believed that it was over ayan ka nanaman, bumabalik ka nanaman.