Follicular Follies

Men’s rights activists declare victory over Star Wars

In advance of the film’s release, the same “men’s rights activists” who took to the internet to complain about Mad Max: Fury Road took to the internet to complain that a series that gave women not named Leia only 63 seconds of dialogue across its first three movies was over-representing women. Horrified by the thought of a girl touching a lightsaber, MRAs attempted to organize a boycott of The Force Awakens, claiming that a film that acknowledges that women and people of color exist and can act in movies amounts to “SJW Propaganda.”

And now, the results of that boycott are in, and the MRAs have declared victory. Return Of Kings, “a blog for heterosexual, masculine men” upset that their movie about space wizards has a girl in it, is estimating that The Force Awakens “lost $4.2 million because of our reporting.” (Forbes disagrees with this assertion, not that it matters to the Return Of Kings faithful.) They arrived at this number by extrapolating the results of a 565-person informal poll by their site’s roughly estimated monthly users, multiplied by average ticket price. It’s unimpeachably sound science, just like the sound TIE fighters make in space.

“It takes you so long to do it yourself, I can do it for you” he said

“Uh….let me get the ruler” he said

“Uh….layering? That’s like that cyberpunk haircut right?” he said (he meant an undercut)

“Okay don’t get mad” he said

So here it is - the magazine article that first informed me about trichotillomania waaaay back in 2000 (though I’m fairly certain I actually received this issue in 1999). 

January 2000 (The start of the second semester of 7th grade) was the first time I started pulling. I’d already dealt with severe ADHD since I was 5, spent the summer before having massive panic attacks every single night, sure that I was going to die (which led to my Anxiety diagnosis). Then the pulling began, not one month after I’d read this article. Do I think I started pulling because of reading this? I don’t think so. I don’t think the suggestion was just subconsciously put into my brain and I decided that this was the best way for me to cope with the stressful situations I was starting to deal with as a pubescent adolescent. That doesn’t make any sense - why would I pick up this one thing? I read a lot. I read a lot as a child, watched a lot of movies as a child, and played a lot of video games - why would this one 3 page article cause me to do this to myself? So no, I don’t think it caused anything. I will say it was serendipitous, and perhaps a blessing. 

Just another note: yes, this is from a reliigous magazine called “Guideposts for Teens”. My church that I grew up in subscribed to it for me, and although I still do identify as Christian, I’m in no way posting this as any sort of religious message for anyone else. I’m posting this because this magazine article was the only thing I had for the longest time that gave me any sort of useful information about Trichotillomania, and gave a name to it. I realize how lucky I was. A lot of people with TTM grow up without knowing it’s a real disease, and that it has a name. I knew right out of the gate, and for all the shit that went down, at least that was something. Sometimes I wonder about Amanda, if she knows that she is the reason I was armed with information in a time where almost none existed about TTM. For all the bullying, and the self-loathing, and the depression and awkwardness and general SUCKITUDE, I knew that I was not alone.

What is your first name? Erin 

Where are you from? Rural Illinois, now living in the Big(ish) City

Your hobbies/interests/career? Animals, science, ethology, photography, hiking, tumblr, and cinema

What BFRB/s do you have? Trichotillomania and to a much lesser extent dermotillomania

How old you were when your BFRB/s started? 12. Mine onset January of 7th Grade. I am now 28. I have lived longer with my BFRB than without it. 

The worst part of having a BFRB? You mean aside from the defeated self confidence, the deflated sense of self worth from not having hair, the loneliness of being bullied all through your teen years, the shut downs from crushes and paralyzing fear of dating, the anguish of feeling ugly and unwanted and a failure after looking in the mirror the day after a particularly long pulling spell, the disappointment of waking up after dreaming about having long, full hair, and the annoyance of being occasionally misgendered? I’d have to say the inability to wear cute barrettes and bows. I’m all about the cute accessories. 

The best part of having a BFRB? I kinda feel like this is a hollow question. I’ve persevered and become a strong advocate for breaking the stigma of mental health, which is super important, but I’m not going to lie and think I wouldn’t be happier or more self-actualized without my BFRB. I guess the BEST thing is that I’ll be able to sit down and write my book on it one day. I want to write a book that explores the condition itself, it’s research, the stories of people who cope with it, and the stories of loved ones. I want to be able to normalize this as best as I can. I think having TTM has given me a voice to speak up and speak out about things that are important to me, and it has given me the fortitude to do better every single day. 

What is the ideal reaction for someone to have, when you tell them about your BFRB? The ideal reaction is the one I encounter the most, actually - “Really? I know someone who does that/I do that/can you tell me more about it?” I know a lot of people may not like it, but I’d rather people ask questions than think things that are insensitive/not true. 

Something you would like to tell people who just discovered the BFRB community? First of all, I’m SO GLAD you’ve found the community. Please, please take full advantage of asking questions. WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU. This age of social media blows me away, that we can connect like this. When I was growing up and coming to terms with TTM I was lucky that I had learned about my condition through happenstance previously. This was in 2000. I had a name for what I was doing, but nobody to connect with.  Nobody to log on and understand what I was going through, and no way to anonymously speak about the nightmare I was living through. Please, take care of yourselves and reach out to friends. You are not alone, and you have so many wonderful friends to lean. 

I used to be really funny and clever. I least I thought I was, which is better than seeing a good joke now and thinking “I could never come up with that” and then feeling like shit. I used to think about all the things in the world, good and bad, and just be so full of rage and empathy and joy and wonder and now I don’t feel much of anything. 

Everything feels like a business transaction. “How are you, yes I’m fine how are you, thank you”. I’m meeting with a friend who I haven’t spent much time with in the past 8 years and during our trip to Orlando in October it was so awkward because we didn’t have the banter and laughter and friendship that we had before. Maybe we’ve grown apart, but I can’t help but think it’s me. I have no emotions except anxiety and fear, and when I do feel something else it’s a manic episode where I feel like I’m going to explode with some sort of negative energy. 

My main wish has been the same for the past five years. I just want to feel like a functioning person again. 

Depression makes you feel like you are the problem but it’s evidently a damn illness. It really changes you, taking away all the joy you feel about literally anything around you, and making every task much more difficult, even impossible sometimes.

It’s a fucking monster that feeds on fear, self loathing and despair.

And the worst thing, for me at least, it’s that you can’t really explain it to someone who don’t know how it feels to be depressed, and that makes you feel even more “wrong” and alone, even when you’re talking with a good friend who really cares about you.

So Erin, if you’re reading this, I just want you to know that I understand and that I cheer for you, even if I’m an ocean away.

The trip you’re going to do will be a great thing for you.