#2019setbacksANDresets
The last quarter of 2018 and into 2019 hasn’t been so kind. A long season of pain and panic and then on top of that loss and grief for myself and many of those close to me. It’s been a time of confusion. Questions and no answers. Anxiety. A sense of being robbed of any type of control of my life because I could not control my mind. One year ended in fear and another started the same way. And then I got news about my beautiful friend in Canada and made emergency travel plans to fly half way around the world right before I began a job at a new school. The heaviness has been real. The pain real. Never did I think I would be returning to Canada for such circumstances. It was the most wonderful thing to be back there, but it was also filled with tears for a friend we loved so much and who we miss incredibly.
Last year I had a pain in my tailbone for about 8 months and it was not going away. After going to the doctors 3 times about it I finally got referred to a specialist for an MRI. The MRI (was horrible at a time I was feeling so anxious and having to lay still in a small tunnel) happened and I went back to the specialist on the day I left for Canada and was relieved to be told it was just an inflamed coccyx. But I also got told I had a “mass on my pelvis” and that was all the specialist could tell me because it was not his area of expertise. I went to Canada filled with many emotions, swinging between tears of grief with family there and tears of panic for what could be my days ahead. The anxiety attacks were hell. For those who have anxiety - oh how I now understand and am so aware of the journey. When I got back to NZ I started straight back at work and also had to go back to the doctor’s to discuss what to do about the mass on my pelvis. This week I was sent for an ultra sound and then to a specialist. I have just found out that it is a golf ball size cyst (sorry for the visuals) that needs removing, but it is NOT any kind of “mass” that my mind was thinking it was. For that, I am extremely relieved and thankful. I will wait till April holidays and have the surgery over the break. My heart can beat at a steady pace today and I feel like I may even get back to sleeping normally.
As I reflect on the awful season this has been, I want to see what I have learnt and can turn around for good. I know that life is precious, your life or those around you can be changed at any moment. Without Hope it is scary. I want to keep Hope and Faith close. I’ve learnt feeling anxious and experiencing anxiety are two completely different things - one can ruin lives and it is the most lonely feeling in the world because you feel like no one can help you because the panic takes over your whole body. Nightmares invade your sleep. Your heart beats so fast you feel it coming out of your chest, it makes you not breathe properly and you want to throw up. It is hell. Every little pain or bump or bruise I’ve had during this season where I’ve waited for answers has had me thinking the worst. It is completely irrational but the thoughts wouldn’t go away. Even when I prayed and begged and pleaded. And that has been confusing too. Something else this season has taught me is to be kinder. To be more patient with people. That you NEVER know the trauma another human could be facing. To look at people and see them. Every day your minutes count.
I look down at my wrist with the tattoo that I got in honour of our beloved Tash and I remember how she lived and loved. How she shared her joy with all those around her. And I want to reset. My year starts now. It starts with loving my students in class coz Lord knows that hasn’t been easy these first few weeks either lol. But they need it. We all need it. We all have stories. And this is how I’ll make good from a terribly shi*ty time. Much love fam ❤ x
