Stim Toy Etiquette: A Guide
This is targeted at non-stimmers who see us using our toys and wish to try them out. A few weeks ago, my very extended family were visiting, so I bought out my stim kit to show a few things to one relative I trusted. The unexpected, horrifying result (given that my relative moved from the quiet room to the busy all-the-people room) was fifteen people grabbing things out of my basket, which resulted in worn, soiled, ruined toys and a lot of work in cleaning, mending and sorting. I’ve got toys that are soiled beyond cleaning and other toys that were once pristine and now have worn-off paint and small tears.
For many of us, stim toys are disability aids. Someone else handling my toys is like someone else trying on my wrist splints. They’re personal items that become an extension of my own body and should be treated as such by others. If you’re careful handling someone else’s glasses, you should be just as careful handling someone’s stim toys, no matter how inexpensive you think any item is.
Some stimmers don’t want other people touching our toys, and this needs to be understood and accepted without challenge or criticism. If a stimmer does not consent to your handling their toy, you do not touch or handle their toy. Keep in mind, though, that many of us struggle to voice this: neurotypical society seldom allows us to draw this boundary without harassment. I’m writing this post, so you, our non-stimming friends, understand what not to do if we cannot communicate our boundaries ourselves.
If you see a toy used by someone else and want to try it out, please keep these things in mind:
Always first ask permission before handling someone else’s toys.
If you’re planning to do more than lightly handling the toy and then returning it, ask the owner again if they mind you stimming with it/using it for a longer period of time. I can better tolerate people giving my toys a short investigative handling, but I have many toys that I don’t want you stimming with for ten minutes straight, given the wear intensive stimming places on many toys.
If it’s a toy that the stimmer was using when you asked to handle it, don’t hold onto it for a long period of time. They were using that toy in that circumstance for a reason; other toys in their kit–if they even have a stim kit–may not replace that toy. If I was using my Tangle to survive anxiety, not having it leaves me without a coping mechanism, so look at it quickly and return it.
Don’t ask to handle a toy in a classroom space if everybody else is quiet and working. Forcing the owner to have to respond to your question might get them in trouble with the teacher or other students. As someone with the autistic need to Follow The Rules, I’d be incredibly anxious if someone asked me about a toy while we’re supposed to be quiet.
Consider the environment before you ask. Are there people who’d bully or harass the owner if they overheard? Are there teachers or co-workers who’d be less-than-sympathetic to an explanation about stimming? If you think your request to examine a toy puts the owner at risk, don’t ask. Leave it for a time when you’ll both be safe.
Watch the owner’s body language for anxiety, tension or discomfort. In public or familial spaces, the owner might feel pressured to say yes to your handling of their toys, or they might feel that you’ve handled that toy for too long or are handling it too roughly. We have no script for “can you please stop using my toy now” to which NT folks won’t take offense, so do us the kindness of checking to ensure that our body language still affirms our consent. I tend to frown, flap my hands, rock from foot to foot or (especially) gather up my other items when someone’s held on for a toy too long, but body language will differ from person to person. If there’s a change in a person’s body language that isn’t enthusiasm, I’d take that as an indication that the owner is no longer comfortable and return the toy.
Permission to handle one toy doesn’t mean permission to handle all of them any more than permission to try on my coat means you can also try on my shirt. If you want to touch more than one, if the owner has multiple items in their kit, specifically ask if you can do so.
Never touch the owner to handle a toy on their person. Always let them remove the toy and hand it to you themselves.
Never ask to handle chewables (usually items made from silicone or other soft plastics, often jewellery or a handheld teether). I don’t want your hands on something that goes in my mouth! This is especially important for folks who go stealth with their chewing but still wear chewellery in public, since explaining why I don’t want you touching my feather pendant can put me in danger of other folks knowing.
Wash your hands before handling anything, or at least make sure your hands have been washed shortly before handling. This is good hygiene and common courtesy, but it’s exceptionally important for toys that cannot be washed like slimes, putties and doughs. It’s also important for toys that are difficult to wash or wipe over, like squishies or puffer toys. Don’t leave me picking crumbs out of the TheraPutty I can’t afford to replace, please.
If you sweat frequently, wear heavy hand lotion or have oily skin, consider that you may leave behind a noticeable residue on the toys you handle, even after you’ve washed your hands. If so, only handle toys that can be easily wiped over or rinsed–things made from ABS plastic or metal, like Tangles, spinners and chain fidgets. Some toy owners may be quite averse to sticky or greasy textures, and we will notice this residue. I’ve had many toys become unusable to me because of this.
If you’re wearing scented hand lotion, don’t handle someone else’s toys. You may impart a scent that stimmers with sensory sensitivities will find difficult to remove. This is especially important for items that can’t be washed, like slimes and putties.
Handle toys gently and carefully, with a minimum of forceful squishing, twisting, pressing and stretching–even if I did just this a moment ago. Stress balls and squishies can tear. Paint can be worn off Tangles, squishies and puffer toys under even moderate handling. Tangles can break if twisted hard enough. Flocking can be worn off. Few toys will last forever under a stimmer’s use, but you shouldn’t hasten that wear. For owners attached to their toys, wear in the paint or flocking can be incredibly distressing when made by someone else.
Don’t make comments along the lines of “why would anyone use this?” or “I can’t see anyone liking this toy” for toys you dislike or don’t connect with. There’s a wide variety of stim toys because people have unique sensory and accessibility needs, and just because a toy doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean it won’t work for others. If you must express your dislike, be respectful and just say that you don’t like it.
If a stimmer has multiple toys in a box or a case (a stim kit), there’s a reasonable chance (especially for we autistic stimmers) that they are placed in a specific order or arrangement. Please try your best to respect this. Everything in its spot is how I know toys haven’t gone missing; I’m desperately anxious when my order is messed up, and I won’t be comfortable until everything is back in its place.
If you treat someone else’s stim toy like a valuable, precious thing, you’re not like to go too far wrong. Speaking personally, I don’t think you can be too cautious: I’d much rather have someone ask too many times about handling my toys than the situation I described above.
I’ll also say this: most stimmers are thrilled to talk about stim toys, if folks show any kind of compassionate interest. We’ll tell you where you can buy the toys you like or where you can find out more about them. We do want to interact with you about our stims. I’m just asking for your consideration so that we can, stress-free, let you into our world.
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