i don’t know if what i did was right or wrong. i know in part it’s right, but the way i did it has irreparably damaged the people i did it to. was it okay for me to do that because they’re bad people? because they did worse to me through my life? all those years of indoctrination. all that hate pumped into my veins in the hope it would burn in me the way it burns in them. i will never truly be able to function properly because of them. ever. that’s their fault. but i feel like such a fucking monster. i feel fucking evil. i loath and detest myself for it. i tell myself “it’s nothing compared to what they did to me” but the words are empty. i don’t believe them. what i did was, technically, nothing compared to how much they harmed me. but i don’t know if i’ll ever actually believe that.
fuck i wish i talked to my mom, at least one more time…. and least one last time…. fuck me
why didn’t i fucking talk to her…? just hear her voice one more time and hear her tell me she loves me before telling her i’m something she finds unloveable? why didn’t i tell her that no matter what i still love her so so much
please i just want my mom back fuck fuck fuck fu k fuck fuck fucking fuck