Wtf Am I Doing With My Life Bro—

“She’s free.. and I get to continue with the people that I love..”

Since Caines deletion, things have been.. interesting to say the least. As the circus fell apart we all realized that this might be the end for us. Kinger mentioned something about mind files and while we are stuck in the circus, our real life selfs are still out there living their life. But while everyone was freaking out and trying to figure out what to do, I couldn’t hear them.. my ears were ringing and my breath was quick, but not quick enough for others to notice, as I slowly realized that Caine is gone.. Actually gone…

I miss him so much I don’t even think I can describe how much I do. We had close relationship, since I was kinda the only one who liked most of his adventures. And while yes most of them were terrifying and traumatic, if you pay attention to the details, you realize how much love and care he put in them. When he started torturing us I was terrified, but I could never be mad at him. The others were pushing until he snapped. Reminds me of myself..

But the past aside, at the moment we were standing on a balcony looking down in a worry. Jax have abstracted. And even though most of us didn’t like him, me included, it was sad to see him go.

3rd pov:

“I wish I had pried into it that time, but I figured he needed time… I was wrong” Pomni says, softly looking down at the abstraction that once was Jax with determined yet sad gaze. You look down at her worried, scanning her expression. “Its not your fault. Its no ones fault, he kept his feelings for himself.. no one could have predicted this.” you explain, trying to calm everyone down, not only Pomni. Ragatha looks especially traumatized. “Of course he would do something like that, just not open up and abstract on us in the worst time possible” Zooble says as she glares down at him, but its visible that the glare itself is not fully there.

You turn your head back to look at Jax as he runs off somewhere. “I think we need to make a plan. I’ll go help Kinger to patch up the rest of the hole in the ground so Jax doesn’t fall through. You guys figure out how to calm him down.” You push yourself of the balcony to go and find Kinger.

Time skip:

While helping Kinger patch up the last remaining hole, you see the others not so far away approaching us. Your gaze turns to Pomni seeing her limping while holding onto one of Zoobles parts as if it was a medical cane, and her body was… glitching? Did she encounter Jax? Did he hurt her?

You decide to go to them and help Pomni get on a couch. “Jesus what happened, are you okey Pomni?” You ask while softly supporting her, the touch making your hands glitch too. “Im okey, we got Jax to calm down and have a plan to keep it that way.” She says as you help her lay down on the couch, but before you can ask what the plan she beats you to it “Do you still know how to climb a pole?” You look at her puzzled. “Ummm yeah? Why are you asking me that?”

“We need you to climb on the supports to hang a giant blanket over them.” She points behind you, making you turn around, seeing others already conjuring support beams and a very very big blanket. “You.. are one strange jester.” you and Pomni laugh softly after your poor joke.

Meanwhile in the void:

Caine has been floating in the void aimlessly. After conversation with bubble that no longer is the goofy creature, but instead a realistic bubble, Caine realized he messed up. Humans are so much more than he can ever understand, and for his brain of ones and zeros are too complicated.

He couldn’t help but feel terrible for his outburst, especially when it came to you. You were by his side since day one, the only one who enjoyed his adventures even with all the flaws in them… in him. He misses you dearly. Remembering all the good moments between you two and then remembering the torture he put you through is sickening.

Floating aimlessly in the void he had a lot of time to reflect on his actions. As he was just traveling he notices a red door farther in front of him. The exit door. He stops for a moment trying to figure out if its real or just a glitch. But doesn’t give it more then a few seconds, before he continues flying towards the door. Yet the closer he got the lower he flew until he had no choice but to run. Unfortunately for him, there is an edge a few feet before the exit, and its way above him. He sits down at the edge, thinking what to do now.

He was about to give up, before he remembered you.. your smile, that soft smile whenever you looked at him. Your touch when you comforted him after The favorite character award, when pealing off one star from your box, and sticking it in his box. He can’t lose you.. he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he didnt apologize and make it up to you somehow, if you even let him.

It took a while but after finding out different shapes of blocks act as stairs and a few coding to break the walls separating him and the door, he manages to get to it.

Opening the door takes him to the internet. Not knowing what to do at first, he realizes he can finally learn about his beautiful humans. Searching through the internet he can find every single person.

Looking through their socials he learns almost everything. Their families, how they are doing these days. Everything.

But once he gets to his darling friend, he cant find nothing. Or atleast nothing new..

“…Oh (C/N) my dear…”

Back to the circus members:

After building the big tent, with the help of many Zooble parts they were able to get Jax into the tent where he calmed down and stayed. It almost looked like he was sane and knew what to do even in light. Who knows, maybe he is still with us.

Zooble, Ragatha, Kinger, Gangle, Pomni and you are all resting on the couches in front of the tent, all kinda just trying to still process Jax’s sudden abstraction. “How are you feeling Pomni?” Ragatha asks as she touches Pomnis shoulder. “Im okey, doesn’t it hurt?” She looks at Ragathas hand on her. “I’ve been through worse.” Wanting to lift up the mood you try to joke. “Wow Pomni, and you not gonna ask me??” You say dramatically, gesturing toward your still glitching hands. Not that you care or mean it, but making jokes at the moment is probably the best way to calm down. And it paid off as Pomni and Zooble chuckle and Ragatha, Kinger and gangle smile.

Out of nowhere Pomni and yours and Ragathas hands stop glitching. Everyone tenses up and looks around in fear knowing what it means. Except you, you are looking around hoping he is actually back. And he is.

Caine slowly approach’s the group keeping his head down embarrassed. Everyone tenses even more up, Zooble puts herself in front of Gangle to protect her, Pomni gets of the couch, and you take a few steps forward, ready to protect the whole group, and to take in Caines appearance, he looks defeated.

“I know that..whatever I say won’t save me. I was blind and didn’t realize that you are more then me. While I was gone I learned something, about all of you.” He gestures to the group before continuing “And… I wanna hand the circus over to you.” That makes everyone’s eyes widen. Did they just heard him right? “I don’t have the same power I had before, but I believe I can help you make the circus better.” “Caine..” he turns his gaze to you, and when you guys finally make eye contact after so long, you launch yourself towards him, pulling him into a tight hug. “ I-I thought you were gone forever..” you sob into his shoulder, as he slowly realizes what is happening and hugs you back, fearing if he lets go he will lose you again.

Unfortunately everything has to end at some point. You both pull away, both having tears in your eyes. “I made something for you..” he turns to others “for all of you, so when you are ready join me at the main stage.”

Walking to the main stage was a weird feeling. All of you still couldn’t believe Caine was back and seems like a whole new person. As you approach, you notice a projector set up with a blank piece of canvas and a couch in front of it. Everyone takes a seat, except you as you stand behind the couch and lean on it for support, standing close to the projector. Caine floats in front of the canvas. “No more secrets, and no more games.” As the monitor turns on he comes closer taking control of it. Pomni taking the narrative for the audience.

“Pomni, Abigail Brooks. She is still an accountant, but it seems she has opened up more, and has started to hang out with her new friends.” Everyone’s eyes widened, it was Pomni.. like the real person out there. “Some of them even appear in her urbex videos which she still posts online.” Pomni smiles, it was hard not to over look it, even when you are standing behind her and can’t see her face, you notice her shoulders relaxing. Everyone exchanges glances, happy and excited to finally learn about their selfs.

“Ragatha, Suzy J. Ackerman. It seems she left her home town, cut of all contact with her mother and managed to have a successful career. She had made many friends and managed to build a strong and genuine connection with them. She seems happy.” Ragatha sighs in relief, she finally escaped her home and abusive mother. Nothing could make her more happier and satisfied then this.

“Gangle, Zoe Raghaven. Despite her injuries she had a great recovery in the hospital. She quit her job at the fast food restaurant and got a new job in a small design agency, and has posted her webcomic online.” Gangle smiles softly as Zooble leans in and hugs her.

“Zooble, Riley Vercelles. After jumping from job to job, Riley seems to have settled down and open a bar of her own. And it seems the bar is doing well.” Zooble turns to smiling Pomni that is already looking at her with a soft grin, and smiles back. This is what Zooble always wanted, to make a mark in the world, and even if it’s not much, it’s enough for the people that go there.

“Kinger, Grant Best. Still works in the technology field and has a happy marriage with his wife Destiny. They have two daughters together, he seems like a good father” Kinger tears up, but wipe his tear away with a longing feeling. His wife is safe and thats what’s important.

“Jax, Leeroy Mateo.” In the corner of your eye you see Caine take of his hat and hold it to his chest in respect. You turn to him briefly and smile at him, to ease his griefing. He smiles back at you, but when you turn back to the screen you miss Caines smile fall into a slight frown, knowing whats about to come. “After being homeless for a few months, he managed to share a room with a close friend. It seems he got a stable job and that he’s managing to pay the rent. Him and his friends go out every time, and strangely enough it seems they always go to Rileys.” Everyone shares a smile, knowing that at least Jax got his happy ending out there, if not here.

“And lastly (C/N), (Y/N) (L/N).” Everyone pauses, even you. Your social media are almost empty. And the last post taking place 1 month after your arrival here. You frown, partially knowing what had happened, but still hoping you were wrong. “Her last post was a photo in a mental hospital, sharing snacks with fellow roommates..” everyone slowly looks at you, but you don’t turn your gaze from the screen. “On her mothers account is a one post. (Y/N) has taken her own life at the age of (Y/A), due to long term struggle with mental disorders.” Everyone is still looking. You don’t know what to say, and you don’t have to. You smile softly leaning back on the couch. Their eyes widening including Caine who is worried, are you gonna abstract on him? “(C/N)?.. A-are you okey?” you hear Pomni ask. “Couldn’t be more okey.. for you guys it might not seem like a happy ending.. but for me? She is finally free, and I get to continue with the people I love.” As you say love you turn to Caine and smile once again softly. His eyes widened, but quickly relax as he smiles back. Others smile too, not because it’s okey or they think (Y/N) did the right thing, but because you didn’t get upset, you didn’t abstract after you found out, you just accepted it.

Everyone turns back to the screen still interested in their real life’s, wanting to know everything. Caine decided to get closer to you to give you comfort after the hard revelation of your death, so close in fact your shoulders touch. You jump a bit startled but when you realize who it is you relax and lean into him, laying your head on top of his dentures as you both smile and turn your eyes back to the screen, enjoying this sweet quiet moment..

The end

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Last Edit: If you read this until the end, I wanna ensure that if you actually have suicidal thoughts, struggle with mental health or think there might be something wrong please reach out for help, either to a therapist, parent, teacher or a coach, please tell them about your thoughts and feelings. It might take long it might take short time but its important you get the help you need.

As I said at the beginning this is reflection of my mental struggles and I got the help I need, I’m still recovering even though its been almost 5 years, but without my therapist and new friends I wouldn’t be here today. Take care of yourselves.