⋆maddie⋆

I know it makes me ghoulish, but, you know, we all have our faults.

*makes like 20 text post memes*

love these kinds of memes and love peacemaker sooo

Comm. Gordon: I thought we were having steamed clams.

Bruce: Oh no, I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Comm. Gordon: You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Bruce: Yes. It's a regional dialect.

Comm. Gordon: Uh-huh. What region?

Bruce: Uh... Gotham?

Comm. Gordon: Really? Well, I'm from Five Points and I've never heard anyone use the phrase steamed hams.

Bruce: Oh, not in Five Points, no. It's a Bristol expression.

Comm. Gordon: I see.

Comm. Gordon: *takes a bite*

Comm. Gordon: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Batburgers.

Bruce: Oh, no. Patented Wayne Burgers. Old family recipe.

Comm. Gordon: For steamed hams?

Bruce: Yes.

Comm. Gordon: Yes, and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact they are obviously grilled.

Bruce: Uh... you know, the... one thing I should... excuse me for one second.

Comm. Gordon: Of course.

Bruce: *enters the kitchen, sees it's on fire, and swiftly leaves*

Bruce, pretending to yawn: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

Comm. Gordon: Yes, I should be—

Comm. Gordon: *sees the light from the kitchen*

Comm. Gordon: GOOD LORD, WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?!?

Bruce: Aurora Borealis?

Comm. Gordon: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?

Bruce: Yes.

Bruce: Robin, Red Robin. ETA on the meeting spot, Red Hood and i are waiting.

Damian: on our way, father.

Tim: yeah we’re like just round the corner- *scuffling noises* *a grunt*-can you fucking cut it out-!

Damian: you are in my way!

Bruce: *sigh* boys…

Tim: no! no, B, you have to tell him to stop shoving into me, you can’t just- Damian knock it off-

Bruce: NO NAMES IN THE MASK!

Jason, slightly muffled: oh for fucks sake-

Bruce: both of you, get here now. clearly we need to have another discussion about the importance of keeping names private.

Damian: i didn’t even do anything, it was Drake that-

-silence-

Damian, solomly: we shall be there soon, father.

-a few minutes later-

Bruce: -not to mention how irresponsible it is to not be paying attention! i know i taught you both better than that.

Jason: *scoffs*

Damian: you didn’t even teach me, Nightwing did.

Tim: *low ‘ooing’ noise* B you gotta spank him, you gonna let him talk back like that?

Damian: shut up, Red Robin.

Bruce: and do you understand how disappointed Nightwing would be with you tonight, Robin? because he sure as hell wouldn’t exactly be proud.

-silence-

Tim, softly: well shit

Jason, incredulous: ok no hold on, usually i let you parent however you want because frankly it’s not my fucking problem, but i actually grew up with Dick and you and i both know he doesn’t give a shit about the no-name rule,

Bruce, instantly: Red Hood go away.

Jason: -one time i accidentally called Batgirl ‘Barb’ during a mission and B made us stay behind so he could give me a chewing out about it, and like half way through the lecture an uber eats driver pulled up and said ‘order for Dick Grayson?’ and Nightwing fucking- sauntered over and took the food without blinking.

Bruce: that’s irrelevant to-

Jason: there was a night i refused to listen to him as Robin when we were patrolling together so he told me that for every act of disobedience he would give one letter of my name up to the police. i fucked up three times and he told an officer my name started with ‘J-A-Y’ and then when i started laughing at him for not knowing how to spell my name he got embarrassed and yelled in front of the officer ‘WELL I GREW UP IN A CIRCUS, SPELLING WASN’T A HIGH PRIORITY!’

Tim: he didn’t know how to spell Jason?

Jason: another time he-

*ping*

Dick: hey sorry to interrupt patrol- Jason unmute your phone, you aren’t answering your texts.

Bruce, weakly: we are in mask, Nightwing. no names.

Dick, unbothered: shut up B- Jason, seriously, i sent you a video of these pigeons i found fighting mid-air you gotta look at it.

Tim: *snickering*

Dick: why is he laughing. Tim why are you laughing.

Damian: Grayson, would you be disappointed if I accidentally forgot about the no-names-in-masks rule?

Dick: *confused* what? no?

Tim: do you know how to spell our names, Nightwing?

Dick: what are you-

*very muffled bird squawks, flapping of wings*

Jason: oh holy shit this video is kinda cool actually

Dick: RIGHT?!

Tim: woah wait let me see-

Damian: tilt the screen forward Todd, theres a glare.

Dick: you guys gotta come to Bludhaven, the pigeon action is off the charts.

Bruce: *forlorn* my mission used to be a solitary one. i used to work alone.

Damian: at least if you worked alone then nobody would ever have a reason to use your name?

Tim: *cackle*

Jason: i bet you guys i could catch a pigeon. like with my bare hands

Dick: we could do pokemon fights-

Tim: *working in the batcave*

Bruce, walking in: Tim, you’re still here? you haven’t slept in four days, you need to take a break. get off the batcomputer before i lock you out of the system.

Tim:

Tim, blurting out of panic: -JASON’S GONE AFTER THE JOKER AGAIN!

Bruce, jolting up like a skittish deer: JASON NO-

Bruce: *jumps in the batmobile and speeds out the cave*

Tim:

Tim:

Jason, working on his motorcycle next to the now empty batmobile space: he literally said good morning to me like ten minutes ago. what the fuck is wrong with him that’s the third time this week.

Alternatively,

*Jason, walking past Bruce and Damian to leave the manor*

Bruce, chewing Damian out: -and this is the FOURTH TIME you’ve been suspended for fighting, if you can’t control yourself we’ll have to look at restricting your access to Robin-!

Damian: *gives Jason a pleading look over Bruce’s shoulder*

Jason:

Jason: *rolls his eyes*

Jason, as he leaves the front door: OH BOY, TODAY SURE IS A GOOD DAY TO TRY AND KILL THE JOKER!

Jason: *slams door shut and hides behind a plant*

Bruce, muffled from inside: JASON NO-

*crashes, Bruce barrels out of the house and rushes to get in his car and drive off*

Damian, watching him go from the doorway: you have my gratitude, Todd.

Dick: oh yeah i see you guys, hold on coming in hot-

*grunt*

Dick: hey, who are we waiting for?

Damian: Hood is working on the other side of Gotham tonight, but we're still supposed to wait for father while he talks to Catwoman

Dick: *a groan* god, he always takes forever when he's talking to her, and i'm already bored!

Tim: yeah we've been waiting for twenty minutes.

Jasons, whispering: sucks to suck for you guys- oh SHIT-

*distant gunshots*

Dick, casual: did you just give away your position to insult us Jay?

Jason, strained: *gunshot* NO,

*more gunshots, a yelp*

*silence*

Dick: anyway i'm still bored.

Tim: wanna play a game me and Damian made up?

Dick: you two made up a game?

Tim: yeah after Damian messed up and accidentally revealed he was fun on the main line.

Damian: i don't know what you're talking about, i've never had fun in my life.

Tim: -we're calling it 'league days: yay or nay?'

Dick, amused: ok, what are the rules.

Tim: ok, so, the aim of the game is to find out stuff from Damian's league days, because he got up to a lot of insane shit over there. he wrote down any interesting experiences he could remember onto a bunch of cards and then got Jason to digitalize them into a randomizer,

Tim: and then we got Jason to come up with a bunch of fake experiences and mix them in with the real ones. Damian doesn't know what the fake ones are so he has no way to come up with stories beforehand. the rules are Damian has to use the app Jason made to shuffle a random card, read it out loud to us, and then we have to guess if it's real or fake. we can ask him questions about what the card says and he has to answer, and then we have to figure out if he's bullshitting or not.

Tim: Jason isn't allowed to play because obviously he was there for like, 90% of the truths.

Jason: but i am allowed to listen and laugh! fuck you guys by the way, i almost died and nobody checked up on me.

Damian: sucks to suck, Todd. are you playing, Grayson?

Dick, giggling: holy shit, yes, i'm in. read a card.

Damian: ok, hold on.

*a beat*

Damian: oh- *a strangled sigh*

Tim: you have to read it out loud!

Damian: i am!

Damian: 'when i was a child, Todd introduced me to pokemon games, and then convinced me that pokemon were real by painting a snail and telling me it was a very small magcargo. years later, this lie was then used to convince me that i should move to Gotham.'

Jason: *bursts out wheezing* OH MY GOD-

*continuous cackles*

Damian: we may have to mute him.

*more distant laughter*

Tim: please god, let this be true.

Dick, smothering giggles: and- oh my god- and we get to ask questions?

Damian, resigned: ask away.

Tim: so- hmm.

Dick: *wheeze*

Tim: the reason you came to Gotham...?

Dick, wetly: yeah that's- that's what i think we need clarification on. Jason... Jason told you pokemon were real, and then...?

Damian: so i was around five years old, and had never played a video game before, and Todd came back from a mission with one of those handheld consoles and an old pokemon game loaded in.

Tim: what, and he told you it was real?

Damian: he told me it was based on reality and that it was just very rare to see pokemon in real life, especially in the area that the compound was in. to be fair i'd never left, so i had no way to confirm that or not.

Dick: still though, painting a snail got you to believe it?

Damian: it was- i-

*a sigh*

Damian: it was a fairly competent art project.

Jason: *starts laughing again*

Tim: see this is a hard one, because i don't know if he's laughing because of how proud he is that he did it, or because of how funny he finds his own lie. he makes shit up all the time.

Dick: this is genuinely a tough game, what the fuck. ok. how did this correlate with you coming to Gotham? i thought Talia sent you?

Damian: my mother gave me the option of going to Gotham to train with Batman, or to go into hiding with her and help during the league uprisings. i was unsure at the time because i had never met father before and didn't know what it would entail, but Todd obviously knew i would be safer coming to Gotham with him when he returned, so he took it upon himself to convince me to choose Batman.

Jason: *high pitched weeping*

Tim: see- SEE DAMIAN'S SMILING, i feel like he wouldn't find it funny if it was true, he'd just be angry that he'd ever fallen for it.

Damian: not necessarily. Todd has a very infectious laugh, i could just find his odd squeaking entertaining. you cannot base your answer on that.

Dick: so did you come to Gotham because he told you that there would be pokemon to see or something?

Damian: he told me that team rocket was active in Gotham, and that they were abusing pokemon. i have a fondness for animals, so obviously this angered me and i wanted to intercept.

Tim: it- *wheeze* it angered you-,

Jason: *silent gasps of laughter*

Dick: and what happened when- like, how did you find out he'd lied to you?

Damian: i figured it out on the boat to Gotham, about a day's journey away, and i was so infuriated that i pushed his motorcycle off the boat and sunk it. we were actually- it made us late, we were a day later than expected coming into Gotham because i sunk our ride from the boat to the city and we had to take public transport.

Dick: see but thats- like you told me before that the journey from the compound took two weeks, i can't imagine you being outside the compound for two whole weeks and not clocking that pokemon didn't exist in the real world.

Damian: i was busy with other things

Tim: bullshit, you literally said it was the reason you went!

*ping*

Bruce: apologies for the delay, i am three minutes out from your location. does anybody have any info on Red Hood? i've received reports that he may have been dosed with laughing gas. does he need backup?

Tim: he's fine, he's just an ass.

Jason, still struggling to breathe: ok- ok B's gonna ruin it now so i'm calling it. you have to choose, yay or nay?

Dick: THIS IS SO HARD!

Bruce: what's going on?

Tim: *groaning* god i so want it to be true... but i just don't buy the two week thing. i think you would have figured it out sooner.

Dick: i'm with Tim. i gotta go with nay. it's a lie.

Jason: *laughs slightly* *high pitched* alright, Damian. yay or nay, did this happen?

*silence*

Damian: *deep sigh* as much as i really wish it hadn't, this one was true. i did indeed, for a solid half a decade, believe that pokemon were real.

Dick: WHA-

Tim: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS-?!

Jason: *bursts out laughing again* *cheering*

Damian: i should have never agreed to play this game again.

Bob/Sentry - Bruce Banner/Hulk: Bob and Bruce share similar backgrounds and similar "uncontrollable" powers, except the other Thunderbolts seem much more sympathetic and understanding to Bob than the Avengers so hopefully he won't be done as dirty as the MCU did Hulk.

Ava/Ghost - Natasha/Black Widow: Despite there being an actual Red Room person on the team, I think Ava fits the technical slot of Black Widow more. She's good at sneaking into and out of places and can usually find a "last minute" escape for her teammates against the odds. She's reliable but, like Natasha in the earlier films, her teammates wondered about her ulterior motives. Like Nat, Ava also has difficult getting close to others, though in this case it's additionally because of her particle instability.

Alexei/Red Guardian - Thor: Both Alexei and Thor reminisce on their past conquests, holding them in high regard. They also feel a strong duty to their homeland. Like Thor, Alexei is the most openly friendly and carries humor similarly to how Thor would in previous films, sometimes at the expense of being tone deaf to his teammates. Thor was also from a different planet, though, so Alexei is slightly more socially aware.

John Walker - Tony Stark/Iron Man: Self-important, concerned with his own image, kind of a nuisance to deal with, but also "the best" at what he's supposed to do. Deals with a lot of personal issues that the other teammates don't realize (unless someone like Bucky reveals them). Often brings up useful information and strategy. Also, based on his turnaround from FatWS to Thunderbolts, he might end up having the most character redemption/transformation out of the group (depending on however long they intend to use these characters, which will hopefully be a good amount of time).

Bucky Barnes - Steve Rogers/Captain America: Bucky and Yelena were the biggest toss-up between Cap and Hawkeye, but I decided that Bucky is still essentially the main strategist and leader of the group. He's the one who got everyone to their location, he's a super-soldier who wants to se his talents to help but gets fed up by bureaucracy, and it's sort of understood in the group that he has his own private life that doesn't really overlap. He's shown along with Yelena to have the most competent leadership during the end credits, and he's the most well known (aside from John Walker) to the in-universe public, so he has the "oldest" reputation to deal with when he interacts with others.

Sam: Inflation is a serious problem and lumber prices are at a high.

Y/n: Wha-

Carol: you have to apologize to Shane

Daryl: fine 

Daryl: unfuck you, or whatever

Daryl, Carol, and Maggie sitting on a bench with a deflated look

Rick: why are the three of you sitting sad like that? 

Maggie: sit with us so we can tell you

Rick *sitting down*: well? 

Daryl: this bench is freshly painted 

Rick: ...

Carol: yeah, they did it to me too

Glenn, texting Maggie: text me when you’re home safely 

Maggie: I’m home dangerously 

Glenn: stop it

Maggie: I’m home lethally 

Carol: I’m gonna count to three

Daryl: what did I do?

Carol: one

Daryl, running away: wHaT dId I dO?!?!

Beth, about Andrea: what’s wrong with her?

Daryl: everyone has a different theory 

Carol: if you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be? 

Maggie: maybe a little tipsy

Daryl: drunk 

Lori: wasted 

Andrea: dead 

Maggie, calling Beth: Where are you?

Beth: I waved to a man because I thought he was waving at me. Apparently he was waving to the guy behind me so to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up so a taxi pulled over and took me to the train station. I am now in California, I should be back by Thursday.

Maggie: Wha-

Glenn: Understandable. Have a nice day

Glenn, after briefing another plan: thoughts?

Daryl: and prayers. Holy shit.

Maggie: I have the urge to do something stupid

Glenn: I’m stupid, do me

Rick: I left instructions for everyone while I’m gone

Andrea: mine just says ‘Andrea no’

Rick: and I want you to apply that to every possible situation 

Dale: I swear to God I’m the only one here with a brain cell

Thinking about that time in season one when the team all shared an orange, and it was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.