wander

Well. I’m still here. Life has taken its course, life has continued to march forward and I’m just left with the pieces. I choose to make art, start a new class, get a tattoo, go by different names, travel to new places, breathe more life, sleep when I want, drink when I want, become a DJ, study a new language, isolate, eat healthy, dance when I want, speak to who I want, fuck when I want..

And I’m still lost with what the future is supposed to hold. I fill my life with things so that the emptiness doesn’t feel as painful. 

Sitting with pain is excruciating and I can’t bring back those who I’ve lost. SO I swim forward, hoping to see them in the waves as they crash on the shore - hoping I don’t get swept away.

But I still, don’t know how to swim.

As I’m sitting here, I’m wondering why I’ve been chosen. Why I’m alive. The pain that’s coursing through my veins is propelling me to write. Maybe words can give this dragon in my heart some breathing room amongst all of the tightly adjunct cold, dark, walls. 

I need a hug. I need help from the universe. The world is becoming colder and my anger is the only things warming me. I dream of days abroad - away from this place. I wonder if my life has gone to shit because I’m still in this place. Maybe if I had finished college, gotten a study abroad scholarship - finished my degree and went to Korea to teach english like I always wanted. Maybe my life would have been easier. Maybe I would have not failed.

I don’t know the degree to which I have made mistakes or that God has it out for me. No one gives you a rulebook and yet everything in life gets better and “gets easier”. There has to be a cosmic energy that whips your skin and the lashes never heal. There has to be because I FELT my heart breaking. My heart has been broken for 3 days, 10 hours, 45 minutes, and 14 seconds. 22 seconds. 26.

I am 26 and feel like my life has been nothing but a long mourning and a track-record of longing. Lust is a sin in the bible, but lust is what kept me alive. If I did not wish for something better, I would have died without wishing. Is that very Godly? Lust allowed me cultivate Faith. “Hallelujah! I want that.”

I beg for a release. For someone to yell “KAI” as they do in Naruto for mind control jitsu that takes over someone’s head. “KAI”. My heart is put back in place. “KAI” someone is healed from illness. “KAI” I have a job. “KAI” KAI” KAI”.