i start over in st. I keep starting over. i am becoming increasingly aware that i am not a good person. my therapist suggests that I'm motivated by loneliness. i realise that in the process of all things I became a secretive person and that I am leading a double life. i'm split in half, man. or in endless, numerous pieces. I compartmentalise everything into little characters yet I still can't be on my own. I try to lie to myself and say that I can, but I clearly can't, I can't make it a week without relapsing. i am not a good person. i would hurt others if they knew what I was doing and I hurt myself weekly. it's like kicking a teenager. go ahead, build your defences, I'm stronger than you and I will pummel past them.
I don't tell anyone about this. I don't tell my friends, I don't tell my loved ones. I lock myself away. I waste entire days on recuperation. I play pretend for hours. I create alter egos. what for?
i'm afraid that I lost myself. I don't think I did. I think I keep making efforts to keep myself down. I feed myself drugs, I make myself into an object. i don't understand this pointless struggle. I think I'm trying to kill myself. I want to stop killing myself.
I guess it makes sense that I choose this approach, my entire life I've felt like an object. I make myself - who has been diverging into a character over past two paragraphs, sorry for being opaque - into a toy at my own disposal.
I don't know what I want. I've never had an existential crisis before. I always found getting up and contemplating the meaning of life pretentious. I start over. how to start over? wherever I go, here I am, insufferable. I tried to start over by writing down the things I am and the things I'm not, but neither were right. then I tried to start over with promises, which I broke. i keep starting over. I keep getting worse. I need to stop the cycle.
