trans advice

One of my friends who’s an ally frequently makes fun of this one tumblr user who is a trans man and will refer to him with she/her pronouns knowing he is transgender. I don’t really understand why he does this, but he has never treated me or any other trans men we’ve spoken about this way. I know this is a red flag, but is it very serious? What should I do? I know it’s likely not that bad but, every time he does it, it really rubs me the wrong way.

What even is this behavior? Wtf do I even do???? I’m so confused. I want to know another person’s take on this.

Thank you.

It’s bad. Your friend isn’t being an ally, he is being an asshole. A person who is willing to misgender somebody in order to mock them is not an ally. Intentionally or not, your friend is sending the message is that if you cross him, he will do the same to you. Your being gendered correctly by your friend is conditional on how he feels about you at any given time. This may be one reason you feel hesitant to confront him. 

You have two options: you can say something to him next time he does it (e.g. “it’s not cool to misgender people you don’t like; say you don’t like him but misgendering is off limits”). Or, if you think there’s no hope he will take that well, you can skip the unfruitful conversation and just do the slow fade. Either way, I don’t see a lot of future for this friendship unless he changes his ways.

I came out as transgender male about 10 years ago, and then as nonbinary last year. I experience some dysphoria but as of now want to keep my body as it is. I did definitely transition socially but I feel invalided when people tell me I'm pre-Hrt or something because I'm not sure that I want to do that.

Yes, it’s okay. Transition can refer to medical or social transition. Many people use the word as a shorthand for medical transition, so you may need to specify “socially” as a point of clarification.

Hi! I've mostly retired from this blog - the longer I live, the more humble I feel that I have anything to advise anybody - but for Pride I will come out of retirement for this question.

Yes, you count.

Feeling not trans enough is such a trans mood that it is diagnostic of being trans. Cis people don't worry if they are trans enough.

Plenty of people define themselves as both lesbian and nonbinary. You would not be the first (but it would be okay if you were! Somebody's got to be the first of everything - a lack of role models doesn't mean your kind of person is impossible.)

You aren't taking anything from anybody by being trans. Generally, the more trans people there are, the better it is for other trans people, not worse. (See: the power of role models.) A history of medical gatekeeping has caused us all to have a scarcity mindset, but it's fake. Everyone can be trans. There's no downside. You're not using anything up. You are not "taking up space." You belong. Your presence is a gift. Thank you for coming.

See also:

"Yes, You Are Trans Enough" by Mia Violet [book]

I’m not sure why you think you don’t have gender dysphoria, because what you’ve described is exactly that. According to the clinical definition of gender dysphoria*, the definitional signs include:

A strong desire to be of another gender (“every day I wish I was born a cis man and was a gay man instead of who I am”)

A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of another gender (“when I imagine what I'd look like on T or with a binder I cry because I want to look like that so bad”)

You need two of the six characteristics, by the way, to meet the clinical definition*, and I see two in your letter alone, so it seems like a pretty open and shut case.

* I don’t necessarily think psychiatrists have the right to define who is trans and who is not and I don’t necessarily think that you need to have gender dysphoria to be trans or benefit from transitioning. You might, for example, feel fine/okay/good as a woman, but be really delighted when you’re treated as a man (gender euphoria, rather than dysphoria). But even by the most narrow, strict, gatekeepy definition, I feel like you would undeniably qualify.

As one of my favorite people on /r/ftm puts it, “Trans and scared is still trans.” In other words, the question of whether you are trans and whether to transition are two different questions. “I’m scared/I don’t want to/I have too much to lose” is a reason not to transition, but it’s not a reason you’re not trans. You don’t get to choose whether you are trans, and you can’t reason your way out of it. You can choose what, if anything, to do about it. Whether to come out (to anyone/everyone/individual people), whether to take any transition steps (medically/socially), whether to experiment with presentation (privately/publicly/in specific environments): it’s all up to you.

So. Let’s talk about being scared to transition.

I can’t tell you that your fears are unfounded. While closeted people often overestimate the dangers or negative consequences of coming out, it’s hard to know how accurate your fears were except in retrospect. In particular, youth who depend on their families for financial and practical support are often being logical when they choose not to come out until they are on their own for reasons of safety and in order to do things like complete their education.

With that said, it’s my experience that trans people considering transition (and human beings in general) tend to be too risk-averse. We overvalue what we stand to lose, and undervalue what we stand to gain.

Of course it’s a lot easier to picture what you may lose. That’s stuff you have now. Your current personal relationships, opportunities, status in your family and community, etc. It’s harder to appreciate a future that feels hazy and theoretical, feelings you have never experienced and may have never seen modeled. Things like:

What it feels like to not have dysphoria. To feel at home in your body; as if your body is simply yours. What if feels like to have an enormous part of your brain just sort of freed from constant low-level anxiety and discomfort, just available to relax and do other things - be creative, plan the future, be more present in your life.

A raised bar for happiness. So many trans people I know, including myself, experienced this. You go your whole life experiencing a certain range of happiness - let’s call it -100 to +100 with -100 being the saddest you’ve ever been and +100 being the happiest you’ve ever been. You think “What right do I have to be happier than about 0, maybe +10, most of the time?” Then, you transition and realize that your +50 was most people’s 0. Most people were just happier than you most of the time! And your cap is higher, too: you thought it only went to +100 but actually it goes to +200. You are not deliriously happy all the time after you transition, but your baseline and your cap have been raised because there’s not a constant weight of dysphoria dragging them down.

To be your authentic self in your relationships. To be able to be truly honest and vulnerable with another person, walls down, and not to worry that if they catch a glimpse of the “real you” they’ll run because this IS the real you and they see it and they love you as you are.

To bond with other trans people based on shared experiences and outlook, and to realize you’re not alone - profoundly not alone - that super specific experiences that you thought made you weird actually made you a member of a community.

I can’t guarantee that you experience all the most joyous joys and benefits of transition that a trans person can experience, nor can I guarantee that your fears are overblown and that you won’t lose a thing. Plenty of trans people experience loss and change along with their transition. (I lost some, directly and indirectly related to my transition, though I still feel that what I gained is so so worth it.) There is always risk in life and, unfortunately, an unfair share of it falls on the shoulders of queer people.

But I can promise you that there are joys. There is a future for you where you just have a normal boring life as a man and you don’t think about gender all the time. It is possible. Being treated as a man, having a flat chest, a deep voice, a beard, a “he” pronoun, nearly any aspect of maleness that seems so unattainable to you is eminently achievable and very reasonable to want and expect and reach out and take.

Part 2 of question: (2/2) and I'm only considering non binary and others as possibilities because they'd be easier to 'pass' as than being a trans woman. Since I've still got a lot to figure out, I was wondering, what questions should I be asking myself and where should I be directing my introspection as I do so? As an additonal side note; I feel more dymorphia about body hair than I do about having male genitals, is that unusual? Thank you for your help and advice.

My answer: 

Side note first: it’s totally common to not have genital dysphoria, or to not have much. Pop culture does us a disservice by painting genital dysphoria as the main or most important sign of being trans. It absolutely isn’t. Some people have it, and lots of people don’t. It’s common to have more dysphoria about other physical characteristics (e.g. body hair), or about social signifiers (e.g. pronouns), or about physical characteristics for social reasons (e.g. voice but only because it gets you misgendered), or to not have dysphoria at all but only euphoria (i.e. not disliking the name ‘Steve’, but just really loving/wanting the name ‘Katie’). By the same token, genital surgery isn’t the only/most important transition step, and for many people it’s not even on the radar! Of course, pop culture is mostly cis-driven and the cis tend to vastly overestimate the importance of genitals to gender identity, so.  

Okay. Onto your main question. It can definitely be a journey to figure out the specific flavor of your trans-ness: whether you are binary trans or nonbinary in some way. There’s a lot of gray area between them, and it’s okay for your thoughts to change on that over time. You don’t need to pin it all down now. Nor do you need to fully figure out your identity before taking any transition steps. In fact, I think that’s often impossible. You can only get so far with introspection alone. At some point you have to start trying stuff.

Think of this this way: It’s not like you’re choosing between the Deluxe Binary Transition Package and the Prix Fixe Nonbinary Transition Package. Every transition step is a la carte. You can change your name, or not; use she/her pronouns, or not; take HRT, or not; wear dresses, or not; and so on. Any of these steps could be part of a binary or nonbinary transition. You don’t have to know ahead of time how each step will end up factoring into your overall transition journey. You just have to want to do that one thing.  

So my challenge for you is to get out of the theoretical and into the practical.  Set aside “who am I really” and “what does it mean.” Those questions are too big, hard, and abstract. Instead ask yourself: What do I want to do or try? What makes me feel bad? What makes me feel great? What’s the next step I can try that may help me get further from bad and closer to great? If I’m not sure if I’ll like something, how can I test drive it in a safe way? 

For example, you know you feel dysphoric about body hair. Okay: so laser/electrolysis seems like a reasonable direction to go. If you’re not sure you want to make it permanent, or you can’t afford to, you could try waxing, or even just shaving your legs. You don’t need to know if you’re a trans woman or nonbinary in order to remove your body hair, temporarily or permanently. 

Each decision or experiment will give you more information. It may become more clear to you over time that you lean in one direction or another. Or you may end up where I am - still not sure if I’d call myself binary or nonbinary, but so glad I took the transition steps I did nonetheless. Happy enough that it doesn’t matter. 

P.S. You don’t owe everyone you meet complete knowledge of your gender identity, whether or not you understand it yourself. It’s okay to have a “public” and “private” version with more or less level of detail/precision.

Part 2 of question: 

... usually(wrongfully) geared towards girls. she said she would and it was all cool! i was actually excited. but then i got an email today. the teacher told her to avoid using pronouns for me, & it’s too late for me to say i don’t want to do it bcuz I already sent everything & the girl’s grade is hanging off this report. i’m just so… sad. angry too. just overall upset- i was excited to be in something bigger and to show off my writing, to be treated equally, but i just feel so small now. 2/2

My answer: 

I’m having a little trouble following the characters here, but it sounds like a student reporter from your school newspaper asked you to do an interview, and you agreed along with requesting that your correct pronouns be included. Later, the reporter came back to you and told you that she had been overruled by the teacher advisor and they would not print your pronouns. 

I’m curious, is the reporter planning to misgender you in the article, or just avoid pronouns? Either way, this is straight up transphobic (I think misgendering is worse than avoiding pronouns, but they’re both bad). It’s also just bad journalistic ethics. You laid out conditions for being interviewed, and she did not meet them. It would not be wrong for you to insist on pulling the interview. I don’t really see how her grade can hang on this interview (isn’t the school newspaper typically an extracurricular acitivity?), and anyway, it’s not your problem. You made it clear what your conditions were. As an interview subject, you have every right to back out if you feel the paper is planning to misrepresent you. 

I acknowledge that the teacher is more at fault than the reporter here, but it’s possible the reporter has more ability to push back than she thinks, once she has something to lose. Anyway, it’s the only leverage you have. You don’t need to be “the accommodating one” just because someone else is being unreasonable. If this reporter’s grade hangs on the interview; if she can’t print the interview without your consent; if you won’t give consent if you’re being misgendered; and if a teacher is forcing her to misgender you: she can take it up with the teacher! You’re not doing anything wrong. 

In the event that the paper runs the interview without your consent, or you choose not to withdraw consent, it’s certainly a shitty situation, and I don’t blame you at all for feeling betrayed and disrespected. You’re in the right here. 

Some things you could do to take action and/or help yourself feel better: 

- If there is anyone who works at the school that you trust, such as a teacher, administrator, or guidance counselor, talk to them about it. 

- Write an op-ed for the paper denouncing the paper’s policy of misgendering students. 

- Tell friends what happened and get some support.  

- Talk to someone you trust outside the school, such as a family member or therapist. 

Hey! I think this sounds like a cute idea! I am totally on board with the idea that transition is a time when you get gifts. Just like a housewarming, it’s a time when you often need new stuff! Early transition folks can always use more clothes. Make sure you have a sense of her sizes and style preferences so you give her something she can use. (It can tricky for cis people to give trans people their old clothes sometimes because of sizing issues; for example, I’m quite small so most of my cis male friends’ old clothes are too big. This is especially noticeable for things that require specific sizing, like shoes. But it can work if you happen to be similar sizes, or if you give one-size-fits-all things like accessories.)

I’d also include something not related to her transition, just to show you still think of her as her, a unique individual, and not “generic woman.” For example, you might include a book or snack she’ll enjoy.

If, like many trans people, your sister struggles financially, and you can afford it, money or a gift card could also be great!

I really relate to your concept of, “Well I’m nonbinary, but I wish I were getting there from the other direction.” There have been so many times in my life pre-transition when I wanted to rock androgynous fashion, but felt I couldn’t because I would be read as a woman, when what I wanted was to be read as a man wearing makeup or whatever. There’s a great page in Maia Kobabe’s fantastic graphic novel “Gender Queer” where e represents eir gender presentation as a set of scales. What Maia wants to achieve is balance, but “assigned female at birth” as a huge weight weighing down one side, which makes em feel like e has to load up on masc presentation to balance it out. 

I will say, just as food for thought, that those feelings have gotten a lot easier for me since I did take transition steps. Taking testosterone, getting top surgery, and changing my name and pronouns alleviated a lot of dysphoria. It means I can figure out what I actually like in terms of my presentation, instead of what I feel will overcome the burden of my secondary sex characteristics and balance the scales. 

Just because you’re nonbinary doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t have a preference for certain body characteristics, binary pronouns, or anything else that’s usually associated with a binary sex or gender. You don’t have to “get over it” and be okay with something you’re not okay with just because some other nonbinary people are. You are also allowed to take steps to change those things you’re not okay with, even if you don’t change everything, and even if you never ID as binary.

You’re not being creepy just by being attracted to people. What makes creepers creepy isn’t the fact that they’re attracted to other people, it’s the way they express that by crossing boundaries and failing (or refusing) to understand signals from the other person that their attentions are unwanted. 

It’s true that, because of some extremely shitty behavior mostly by straight cis men, women are often on their guard around men in a way they aren’t around other women. So, while a nonsexual compliment such as “I love your top!” could come across as just platonic cheerfulness if you’re read as a woman, the same compliment may seem like a come-on if you’re read as a man. Even if you’ve wanted to be read as a man all your life, it can be painful and sad to begin to “pass” and realize that women are now afraid of you or on guard around you in a way they didn’t used to be. It’s not your fault, and it’s nothing you did, but it’s still a good idea to honor that guardedness by keeping your interactions polite and respectful and not trying to get too familiar, too fast. 

That doesn’t mean you can’t flirt! Flirting can be amazing and fun for everyone! Flirting isn’t in itself a creepy activity, it’s only creepy if it’s boundary-crossing. But you’re not one of those guys who claims that women are an enigma and there’s NO WAY to tell if they’re enjoying themselves or not. You know firsthand what it’s like to be creeped out by men, and you know the signals people send when they’re trying to shut down an interaction (e.g. changing the subject, trying to leave, weak laughter, closed body language). You also know what it looks and feels like when someone is enjoying the interaction and wants it to continue.

There's no Official Ruling Body of Labels, so you can take whichever ones you feel apply to you and leave the rest. In the abstract, I would in general consider agender and demi-gender to be under the nonbinary umbrella and nonbinary to be under the trans umbrella (trans expansively meaning anyone that’s not cis). However, some nonbinary people do not consider themselves trans, and I’m not here to make them! It’s really up to you which labels speak to you and which ones you feel describe you accurately. 

One thing I would suggest you watch out for is internalized gatekeeping, which is when you think, “Sure I would LIKE to be trans, but unfortunately I don’t count because of reasons.” Or "I'm just a fraud, taking attention away from REAL trans people." Many, many trans people (including both binary and nonbinary) go through a lot of angst about whether or not we are “trans enough.” We tend to be a lot harsher on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. Sure anyone ELSE can be trans, but when it comes to ourselves, we narrowly define "trans" in such a way as to exclude ourselves. It can help to force yourself to actually spell out, in words, the reasons you think you are not trans (maybe write them out). Then ask yourself, if a friend said that about themselves, what would you say to them?

To sum up, as a nonbinary person:

- If you don’t want to identify as trans, you don’t have to

- If you want to, you can