big nosed guy @trans-pinocchio - Tumblr Blog

you’re thinking that it’s conceptually hot right now but if you had sex with someone penetrating you irl ever again, idk if you’d be okay…i think you’d go into psychosis or something

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from ages ~14-17 i would sneak papas cigarettes to smoke, and then turning 18 was exciting because i could finally have my very own pack of smokes, which i attained from a 7/11 after dropping lil sister off to high school.

but after that pack i didnt buy any more.

once the sneaking around ended and i got busy with a social life where people around me didnt smoke and work and school…i didnt have time for it, didnt make time for it.

bud is not the same because im not just smoking cos i feel emo, lol. but the similarity with change in behavior perhaps is in the frequency of wanting it…

since baby girl found out yesterday and im being transparent with her about use because there arent any consequences of using while she knows, it’s not urgent anymore.

like i can get high any time i want and there’s no need to sneak around. so i can actually ask myself “would it be nice to be high right now? at 9:47 on a fucking monday when i have shit to get done?” and the answer is Fuck No.

so i wont

#lets see how long that lasts i hope it’s for good? just really easy to feel ashamed about it that’s my main problem #UGH shame keeps popping up all my problems are literally just feeling ashamed of myself

it feels so freeing for her to know now, i can die peacefully

it just made me so mad watching that YouTube video with all the trans guys, most of them being gay and discussing sexual relationships and romantic relationship relationships with men just, I think it made me angry for obviously internalize homophobia, but also because where the fuck is the straight man trans man representation where the fuck is it? Where are my trans guys? That fucking like women come on man? Anyway, I don’t know why it gets me so all up in arms just because that’s what disgusting cis predators search for. Cis chasers specifically are looking for when they they seek out content with us in it and the idea of some cis straight guy wanting to fuck me to try me out for size makes me want to KILL MYSELF instead

and the second biggest thing that pissed me off from that video was (and I don’t think that this was on purpose so I caught myself and was like what the fuck am I thinking right now) is one of the guys you could very obviously see camel toe in his jeans that he was wearing tight fucking jeans which is like…you do you man, but like it felt like showing off that he didn’t have a package down there and I don’t know why I was so personally offended by it, but now I gotta unpack that FUCK!

I wish so badly that I was born with a dick. even just a small 2-3 inch one I don’t care if I had some other intersex condition. I just wish so badly that I had a member on me I could use a tool that I could hold with my hand so bad I don’t know where this is coming from and I haven’t had it my entire life so clearly it’s something social that I’ve learned ive internalized or just something that’s I don’t know…if it wasn’t there before then it means I can get rid of it again I can come to peace with my body being the way that it is right now, but what if I don’t fucking want to what if I want a dick!!!! What if I want a fucking dick?

cant take no for an answer now can you

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oh noo i still find men so cute and hot sometimes

#devistating to my masculinity for some reason

trans-pinocchio

i want to be sober today i want to be sober so bad. but i think if i do cold turkey and today is awful im going to ricochet back to it so much harder. that’s what’s happened every single time. it’s way to bad and hard without it

UGH why cant i just use in moderation??? and why cant that moderation match the usage baby girl thinks is a healthy amount and

trans-pinocchio

only two sessions today, took 3 small tokes each time of dhv on 390F. so microdosing. it actually feels so much better to just have less, the habit of reaching for it is filled and so is the feeling just for a little while and it fizzles out in a way where i dont know it happened if im busy doing work things or something

brb need to go pop all the pimples on my forehead

what if she just knows and is letting me sneak around now :( im so sorry baby

maybe ill start watching womens soccer to get into watching sports

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i desperately need to be around other queer men to dismantle whatever Rules i got handed down about masculinity that are hurting me

i know i will continue to feel really shitty and unsettled until i either figure out a way to compartmentalize what ive been doing with hiding my weed use from her, or come clean to her

#compartmentalizing is already happening theres just times where i cant justify it anymore and the only solution to that is to #come clean #but i cant stop using after i do so i cant see an outcome that will be something i want so selfishly i will continue this?

i want to immerse myself in something and let it Consume me

we are FAST in this mornings meeting haha

me: where are the gays :(

baby girl: can you open your eyes darling?? they’re everywhere!

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i want to be sober today i want to be sober so bad. but i think if i do cold turkey and today is awful im going to ricochet back to it so much harder. that’s what’s happened every single time. it’s way to bad and hard without it

UGH why cant i just use in moderation??? and why cant that moderation match the usage baby girl thinks is a healthy amount and

i just hate all the reasons given to me to stop bud, they all make me want to defend bud

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