ā¶ TRAJEDIS : A PRIVATE BLOG FOR OBI-WAN KENOBI OF THE STAR WARS SAGA. ORIGINALLY CREATED BY GEORGE LUCAS, HERE CONCEPTUALIZED BY MARINA. A STUDY IN LOSS, IDENTITY, WAR, DUTY & HOPE, ABOVE ALL ELSE.

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@trajedis
ā¶ TRAJEDIS : A PRIVATE BLOG FOR OBI-WAN KENOBI OF THE STAR WARS SAGA. ORIGINALLY CREATED BY GEORGE LUCAS, HERE CONCEPTUALIZED BY MARINA. A STUDY IN LOSS, IDENTITY, WAR, DUTY & HOPE, ABOVE ALL ELSE.

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here, there is only the void : darkness spreads against closed lids, and blackness engulfs the world ā once, there was light in the world, and when obi-wan closed his eyes he could see it like threads of stardust, glistening and together binding all things. this where i become you become us become them, where flesh is not flesh but air, and the matter of all things are woven together in imperfect harmony. now, when obi-wan reaches through the dark in search of solace, he finds only devastation, and the aftermath of violence makes ashes of him, and the rest is silence. there is no point in meditating. he does not know why he still tries.
he blinks, and the suns of tatooine set before his eyes, the vision still blurry as the sky turns red-purple-blue-black. there are stars in the sky, and they shine so brightly it is almost an insult. obi-wan presses his hand against the ground, picks up sand and lets it fall down slowly, grain for grain for grain. he sighs.
there is no sound coming from inside the house, which should be a blessing but with the twins now knowing how to crawl can only spell trouble ā obi-wan gets up. the sight from inside the house makes him stop, and lean against the unframed door. āĀ they take more kindly to you than they do to me. ā / @liberdie
liberdieā:
šš”šš«š š¢š¬ š šš¢šššš«šš§š š¤š¢š§š šØš š”š®š§š šš« š”šš«šĀ ā the desert makes you that way.Ā the body which had not been born to the sand craves the softness beyond it ,Ā her water-fat desires ,Ā the sea which is not the dune sea , the wind that is not violent , the green that is not a bruise.Ā this is nostalgia , as well as guilt , to feel that surviving is not enough , to want more with a hunger that sits in the pit of her stomach , always there , watching from behind her eyes.
padmĆ©ās small hand , desert-touched , should not fit so well in obi-wanās hand , their callouses brushing against one another , born from the same wounds.Ā it is not a sin that in their tragedy , theyād seek the comfort of touch.Ā but it feels like it anyway.Ā it feels like a knife to her heart that Ā his rough lips would be so gentle against her skin , & that she would be thankful for it , until their intertwined fingers squeeze their conjoined hands ever so lightly.Ā Ā & like their conjoined grieving , they touch for the sake of touch , only for the hunger of it.
it is almost funnyĀ Ā ( in the way tragedies are )Ā that anotherās man lips , in another story , had felt like fire and that now she feels obi-wanās mouth so gently kiss her hand and can only think of water.Ā Ā šš”š šŖš®š¢šš š¢š§ š”šš« šš¢š§šš¢š§š š š¦šššš” š¢š§ š”š¢š¬.Ā this fills her with guilt , a sadness for which she has only one name but will no longer speak.
& padmé is familiar enough with the cold touch of guilt nowadays :  she is guilty of living when others are gone , guilty of being a ghost , a mother , and no-longer-being-padmé , which sits in her both as guilt and as anger. but she ignores it as she ignores so many other things , the desert has no heart for it.
āĀ Ā well, so many other things in life leave us no choice at all. ā Ā , which she says with as much melancholy as cynicism.Ā it tastes different in her mouth , sheās still unused to the shape of it.Ā ā like everything else , weāll just have to deal with it. ā , which she adds with more softness, with a brush of her mouth to his hand like he did with hers.
& most nights , the darkening of the starsĀ ( metaphorical at the same time it isnāt ) mirrors the bruised shadows under their eyes.Ā but in the morning she holds his hand in hers , makes caf for him and the children , & šš”šš² š¬š®š«šÆš¢šÆš .
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā there is a story ,Ā somewhere in the old worldĀ Ā (Ā here understood as that which is no moreĀ Ā &Ā Ā all that has been lostĀ Ā )Ā ,Ā about a man.Ā except he was no man ,Ā but a soldier ,Ā not a soldier but a negotiator ,Ā not a negotiator but a jedi.Ā sometimes ,Ā when he closes his eyes ,Ā he can see the shape of him ,Ā the grace of honor ,Ā the sillhouete of an ideal.Ā most times ,Ā he can not picture shape nor shadow ,Ā only a name which weights heavier than the entire galaxy and is all but buried now ,Ā burnt to ashes in a planet made of fire.Ā obi-wan kenobi once held the light of the galaxy in the palm of his hands ,Ā so carefully he watered it and fed it.Ā there is no more of that now āāĀ now there is only benĀ ,Ā and the grains of sand spilling through his fingers.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā (Ā Ā &Ā this is what he tells himself at night ,Ā when the touch of her soothe him into sleep ,Ā as peaceful as it could beĀ :Ā Ā in the story ,Ā the jedi had a best friend ,Ā who had a great love ,Ā who had a family and a home.Ā that is just a story.Ā he is only ben.Ā )Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā padmĆ©ās eyes glow against the sunĀ ,Ā brown reflecting gold against beige ,Ā and at times obi-wan forgets how stories ought to goĀ āĀ sometimes ,Ā all there is is the soft curl of her lips ,Ā Ā the delicate pink of itĀ ,Ā Ā how her laugh sounds ,Ā how the children cling to her with so much love it feels as though it could heal old wounds.Ā it doesnāt ,Ā but they can pretend , sometimes.Ā Ā other times ,Ā it slips ,Ā like holding water in your palms , or sand ,Ā or the roughness of both against the skin now that all softness is gone from the world.Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā when you put it like that.Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā he says ,Ā and the words linger in the air with no finalityĀ āĀ there is nothing to be said here ,Ā when neither live by their own choices ,Ā when their life ,Ā or their pretend-make-believe-life ,Ā is someone elseās life.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā instead ,Ā he lowers his eyes to her hands ,Ā to the dry-softness of it , to the paradoxical nature of all around him ,Ā like the green in a vase in the corner in the middle of the desert ,Ā or their not-themselves-themselves existence. his thumb grazes over her jaw , softly , lovingly , and he smiles.Ā there is so much want hereĀ Ā āĀ the kind of desire that stains.Ā the tips of obi-wanās fingers are stained with the desire of her ,Ā or perhaps they are stained with the blood of him ,Ā or perhaps they are both the same thingĀ :Ā Ā red , and thick ,Ā and dripping over him.Ā it saysĀ :Ā Ā this is what you took in the same way you took his life.Ā you ,Ā Ā murderer.Ā Ā you ,Ā thief.Ā Ā obi-wan stands in the place where he once stood ,Ā drinks the love that he once spilled ,Ā eats the bread that is hisĀ āāĀ regret is late and posthumous and sometimes not here at all ,Ā just the memory of it , and the guilt ,Ā and the paradoxical nature of some-kind-of-happiness.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā i didnāt think it would be this sweet . . .Ā the fruit ,Ā whatever it is called.Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā he says , finally ,Ā licking what remains of it off his thumb and fingers ,Ā tasting the luxury that life sometimes givesĀ &Ā often takes away.Ā Ā ā Ā perhaps i should look for more of it next time we hit the market.Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
thinking of how the ten years of force absence is obi-wanās life felt much like a phantom limb ā the ache of that which isnāt there and still hurts. whatās worse : the absolute dead, cold and dark silence in a life filled with light or the screams of agony and the feeling of death of war and slaughter?
my overall thoughts, which are not at all well formulated or thought out because i justĀ finished the show and i have to watch it again to be able to process it all, is that it is, ultimately, a show about love, and the aftermath of it. how bitter and incapacitated it can be, how grief is unexpressed love,Ā how love can save & undo a man. itās about the fractured relationship of two broken men & what became of it. how it lingers. how itāll never go away. whoaĀ

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darkholdeĀ·:
āĀ ITāS NOT POLITE TO STARE,Ā āĀ Ā the growl in her throat descended into a low purr,Ā Ā finding the heat of his throat under her palm something quiteĀ Ā ā¦Ā Ā delicious.Ā her mind quickly offered a name for the face she found in the shadows:Ā Ā the general,Ā Ā kenobi.Ā Ā Ā his shadowĀ Ā āĀ Ā the boy,Ā hard-faced andĀ dark eyed Ā ā Ā she couldnāt feel his presence.Ā Ā he was alone,Ā Ā and that was his first mistake.Ā Ā arākanaās mouth twisted into a ravenous smirk,Ā Ā leaning in close to whisper in his ear.Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā hello,Ā Ā @trajedisĀ· .Ā Ā this is what is going to happen.Ā in a few minutes,Ā Ā Ā you will hear a scream.Ā it will be a wife, Ā Ā coming home to find her husband dead.Ā Ā you will do nothing.Ā Ā you will say nothing.Ā Ā Ā you will turn around and walk with me,Ā nice and easy.Ā Ā otherwise,Ā Ā i will let you die like a dog here in the gutter.Ā Ā nod once so i know you understand.Ā Ā now.Ā āĀ Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā this is what it was supposed to beĀ :Ā Ā a simple recognition mission ,Ā an assessment of the terrainĀ &Ā environment before further decisions could be made.Ā Ā that this planet was a sith lair it was already knownĀ :Ā Ā their sources had gathered enough information about yellow - eyed creatures lurking in the darkĀ Ā for eyebrows to be raised at the temple ,Ā but nowĀ Ā Ā Ā . . .Ā Ā this has happened instead :Ā Ā Ā obi - wan kenobi , jedi masterĀ &Ā general of the clone wars ,Ā Ā finds himself trapped in an alley ,Ā visibleĀ &Ā invisible fingers wrapped around his throatĀ &Ā Ā a verbal threat to his life.Ā he could say he was surprised but ,Ā at this point ,Ā itās almost as though he should come to expectĀ thisĀ āĀ Ā itās part of the job ,Ā Ā he would tell anakin if he were hereĀ Ā &Ā Ā obi-wan almost turns his head to comment this at the empty air where his former padawan once stayed.Ā Ā insteadĀ ,Ā Ā obi - wan raises a single brow ,Ā and clicks his tongue in disapproval.Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā now ,Ā Ā youĀ Ā knowĀ i canāt let you do that.Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā aĀ beatĀ Ā ,Ā then obi - wanās hand is at her wristĀ &Ā Ā his foot kicking at her ankle so he can flip their positions ,Ā his forearm pressing the sith against the wall.Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā letās start this over.Ā Ā you know who i amĀ Ā ,Ā and yet i donāt know who you are.Ā thatĀ seems hardly fair.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
crownshipsā:
the queen did not oft suffer fools.Ā Ā Ā Ā as maia slipped her fingertips away from the expectant hand of the guard escorting her into the grand hall ā khan dio, maāam! new to the palace and iziz!Ā Ā Ā he had told her that morning ā she kept her face frozen in the serene sweetness of a princess, all the whole watching the hard lines in her motherās face.Ā Ā her gaze was leveled tensely against the shadows, drawing maiaās eyes to the shiftless figures standing dutifully in the far corner of the room.Ā Ā the jedi knights.Ā Ā Ā Ā a thrill shot through her, questions burning her tongue where she pressed them up against her teeth.Ā Ā Ā her mother had been adamant ā she was not to spend time alone with them,Ā Ā their presence was nothing more than political necessity at best and frivolous pageantry at worst. we have survived in spite of them, all my mothers and their children, she said as her advisors sighed.Ā Ā Ā maia had not argued, though rebellion flared hotly in her chest.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā i will not be afraid, i cannot be.Ā Ā ā it seemed to her that her courage was rewarded by a chance meeting with the naboo senator. how beautiful, maia thought. sheād caught her by accident, having been sitting in the nook of a tree in her motherās gardenĀ when she heard what she assumed was a heated argument below her. heated words became sweet nothings just as maia thought to make herself known ā suddenly, the senator was looking up to her with glowing cheeks and a shadow stalked away. a tall one,Ā trailing with it the sound of a saber resounding against a leather belt.Ā Ā so,Ā Ā as the grand marshal introduced the princess of ondoran,Ā Ā maia remembered her promise.Ā Ā Ā
āĀ Ā Ā āĀ THE PRINCESS WILL NOW CHOOSE HER FIRST DANCING PARTNER AND BEGIN THE NIGHTāS REVELRY.Ā Ā ā
Ā she thought it was silly,Ā really.Ā Ā frivolous pagaentry, indeed.Ā Ā and still,Ā maia was not soĀ proud as to not pleasure in the way the sonās of the gentry squared their shoulders as she passed.Ā some drew in barely audible breaths when her skirts brushed their feet,Ā Ā some even blushed.Ā Ā she regarded the ceremony as she would regard eyeing down an opponent on the other end of her blade,Ā as it made her blood rush the same.Ā however,Ā her liquid smile undid any sternness,Ā particularly as the crowd gasped collectively the moment she offered her hand toĀ ā¦.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā master kenobi,Ā yes?Ā Ā iād be honored.Ā Ā āĀ Ā
@trajedisĀ ,Ā Ā @liberdie,Ā Ā Ā @sitheoiĀ Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā he has a bad feeling about this.Ā Ā this was the first thought to cross obi-wanās mind as he set foot down at onderonĀ āĀ the feeling sat at the bottom of his spine ,Ā like an itch that you long to but can not scratch :Ā an unreachable spot in the body ,Ā like a dog with no teeth nor paws.Ā here is the truth :Ā Ā there is nothing obi-wan wants lessĀ than to be stationed at a former separatist planet, surrounded by untrustworthy eyes in the middle of a long standing war,Ā where his efforts could be much better suited.Ā obi-wan is tiredĀ āĀ Ā the war has turned his limbs into stone, and he swears he can hear the crack of his bones if he moves too fast.Ā Ā there are other ways of being tired, too, ones that sleep do not fix and that obi-wan does not speak ofĀ āĀ that tired lingers ,Ā spreads like water , contaminates.Ā obi-wan wishes he was elsewhere, but if obi-wan is anything that thing is dutiful, and so he stands, with his best smile and best posture, and the utmost diginity a jedi knight may have, and he does his job.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā the same can not be said for anakin.Ā obi-wan knew he was going to be a problem the moment he spotted, out of the corner of his eyes, the figure of a certain senator, and cursed the force for having him stuck in onderon with anakin and padmĆ© amidala āĀ she is, of course, nothing if not pleasantĀ (Ā as pleasant as politicians may beĀ )Ā Ā ,Ā but anakin is . . .Ā Ā Ā well.Ā he has not looked at anything else except the senator since the gala began , and , as far as obi-wan is concerned,Ā they were meant to protectĀ it , not take part of it.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā which takes us back to this point :Ā Ā obi-wan kenobi has a bad feeling about this.Ā Ā he watches , with growing horror , as the princess maia kira of onderon approaches him ,Ā a sweet smile on her lips and a stretched hand ,Ā kindness that lingers on.Ā obi-wan is a fighter, has always been a fighter. he knows when a battle is lost and one must surrender.Ā Ā he takes the princessā hands, a sweet smile on his lips as he bows his head slightly,   ῾  it would be my pleasure ,Ā your grace.  ᾿
Obi Wan Kenobi Dual Lightsaber Wielding Is Something That Is So Personal To Me (Part 3/?) - Clone Wars S05.01 - Revival
liberdieā:
šš”š¢š¬ š¢š¬ š¬šš¢š„š„ š š¬ššØš«š² šššØš®š š š«š¢šš ā pieces of it are all over it even now.Ā padmĆ© & obi-wan sit by the kitchen table , where light sheds its petals over it , both hungering for crumbles of old lives , better stories.Ā grief is a difficult guest at their house , it demands attention , speaks louder than their silence , takes too much space in each room.Ā grief is the hollowed space under scar tissue , phantom pain , or golden blonde hair on a boy sitting with the eopies outside and watching the desert sky.Ā šš®š šš”š¢š¬ š¢š¬ šš„š¬šØ š š¬ššØš«š² šØš š”šØš©š.Ā
š©ššš¦Ć© š°šØš®š„š š§šØš šš š¢š§ š¢š šØšš”šš«š°š¢š¬š.Ā Ā hope is fresh warm caf , the very scent of it in the morning , it is leiaās gentle treatment of the droids , the sharing of food with obi-wan , lukeās hands when he touches the animals with the same kindness he holds for people.Ā Ā & the suns which are often cruel and violent sometimes shine through what remains of a nightās bad dream , and burn not to hurt but to comfort.Ā she wouldnāt know what to do with herself if she had not hope for something better than this;Ā consciously and unconsciously trying to put herself back in narratives that existed once ⦠but not now.Ā she was amidala onceĀ /Ā amidala is a myth.Ā &Ā both stories are true.Ā
ā Ā luke just left with biggs darklighter , which should come as no surprise , really. something about podracing , i was told , only it was not podracing , of courseā something about piloting ā¦Ā ?Ā so youĀ do owe me a credit.Ā ā Ā
š¬šØš¦ššš¢š¦šš¬ , šš”š¢š¬ š¢š¬ š š¬ššØš«š² šØš š š®š¢š„š. Ā that she remains , that padmĆ© lives & now touches the corner of obi-wanās mouth , flesh to flesh , to wip juice from his lips.Ā this is intimacy , this is also guilt.Ā any shape of love cuts her , & only love may soothe it , the hunger sheās always had for it ā but it hurts , that she is healing enough to touch this man with a tenderness that was once anotherās , until guilt comes to sit at the table with them. she smiles all the same.Ā
ā Ā leia , on the other hand , took 3PO rather harshly , if you were to ask him , and went off to the city as soon as the suns were up. so i owe you a credit too ā do we call it a friendly draw then ?Ā ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā obi-wan has learned how to live with guilt āĀ from a young age , he has been haunted by it ,Ā from the first time he ever laid eyes on a beautiful woman , to the countless of deaths that hang on his hands , the blood of all drip, drip, dripping from his fingertips , red and sticky and redder , its iron taste almost blinding. obi-wan has known guiltĀ :Ā he carries it with him as an old friend, hand in hand, tells them stories to go to bed and feeds them after a long day. he has no interest in departuring from itĀ Ā :Ā Ā there is no such thing as an absolution for obi-wan kenobi.Ā there is only the penance of each day , and the pain , and the silence choke of tears that dare to burst out of him, a broken-raw-swallowed sob that he muffles by the touch of his palms against his throat.Ā this is what it means to be obi-wan kenobi, every day : you carry the guilt and the remembereance and the loss and you try to keep yourself together, against all odds, so that one day, perhaps, you may rest your head against the pillowcase and have a dream made of the force.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā the first haunting and haunted guilt he had ever met was of qui-gonās death :Ā Ā here , boy , child , padawan , here is where you should have been more. should have been better. should have saved your masterās life, should have stood by him in death , should have joined him, should have āā silence, now, or the guilt of himĀ will resurface, and that is a guilt that neither reader nor narrator could bear to hold.Ā instead , now , we talk of the guilt which is no guilt at allĀ āĀ the guilt which obi-wan kenobi will take on gladly, again, and again, and again, if only for the small flutter of hope to shine through his chest once again. if only then.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā obi-wan smiles at padmĆ©, the softness of her touch bringing softness to his features, to his sand-bruised skin, to the roughness of the desert, and of a soldier,Ā Ā Ā Ā a jedi.Ā Ā Ā he takes her hand, softly, from the corner of his lips and holds it inside of his own, before bringing it closer and placing a kiss to the back of it, ever gentle with her.Ā a smile that reaches his eyes bloom from him, and he sighs in fake displeasure.   ῾   podracing?Ā hm. perhaps he will be a great pilot one day.Ā if biggs darklighter isnāt tooĀ much of a ... distraction , of course.  ᾿  obi-wan lets her hand down, but does not let them goĀ :Ā instead , he intertwines their fingers together, so that they are only one, and if so wish could feel each otherās heartbeat through skin.Ā Ā
           ῾  i donāt know if thereās anything friendlyĀ about a draw, my darling, but i suppose there is no other choice.  ᾿  he says softly, and smiles, before taking a sip of hot caf and closing his eyes. he will not stare at the ceiling. he will not look at the cracks of beige which lead to nowhere. he will not seek absolution.Ā
STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH OBI-WAN KENOBI: PART IV

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liberdieāĀ :Ā Ā
š©ššš¦Ć© šš«ššš¦š¬ šØš š°šššš«.Ā she dreams of fire that kills , water which restores. sometimes , she dreams of home , or she remembers it.Ā the lake in which the water had known her , the body which had not known what she knows now , & light & the earth &distant childhood.Ā padmĆ© had been born to water , to the long , dark throat of it ā š”šš« šš¢š«š¬š š©š«š¢š¦ššÆšš„ š¦šØšš”šš«. is it memory or the fabrication of one ? Ā is this body is still a topography ?Ā the memory of naboo almost dissolving like sugar on water , her veins and arteries as the rivers of her land before the flood , the fire , the desert.
šš”š ššš¬šš«š :Ā Ā an ever-consuming place where water does not find her. the sand knows a cruelty for which she has no stomach.
& now she sees the ruinous vestiges of nightmare in obi-wanās eyes;Ā had lied in bed with him too many times to not be familiar with the remembrance of it.Ā the same guilt sometimes stares back at her from the mirror , the same haunted look between them makes her choke on intimacy.Ā out of politeness , the same courtesy he offers her , she pretends not to notice.
š¬šš¢š„š„, šš”šš«š š¢š¬ š„š¢š š”š š”šš«š.Ā sunlight that softly skimmers over the surface of her grief , there is a strange , obsessive sort of hope that throbs in her like an organ. šš”šš«š š¢š¬ š§šØ š«šØš¦šš§šš¢šš¢š³š¢š§š š¢š: Ā padmĆ© dreams Ā of water , wakes in the desert , rises and goes about her day. most times , she allows her guilt to sit at the table with her.Ā most days she licks the salt of her wounds when no one is looking.
sometimes, a kitchen is two people looking at each other and learning to heal. she wonders when their time will come.Ā
āĀ iāll give you a coin if you guess where luke is ā , she replies.Ā this is familiar enough , this well-meaning civility that masks tiredness , the mannerisms of a politician still come easy enough ā the smile too , brief and simple , but not untrue when it comes to her family.Ā āĀ iāll give you another if you find leia. ā
then there comes their rhythmic familiarity , hand briefly to hand , melodic onomatopoeias of plates and glasses as the caf boils behind them.Ā Ā & padmĆ© takes the last piece of fresh fruit , that obi-wan had left for her , and parts it n two with her hands and puts half of it on his plate.Ā Ā Ā ā Ā eat your breakfast.Ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā every day ,Ā before obi-wan gets up from bed ,Ā he lies stillĀ Ā (Ā this , you see , is another relic of the past ,Ā now corrupted by the presentĀ :Ā Ā before , obi-wan would lay for hours at a time , with no end in sight , though time seemed not to move at all , or moved so quickly that it all seemed as nothing more than a minuteĀ āĀ for the force , a concept such as time is naught concept at all :Ā it blends and binds and slithers away , and obi - wan gives it all to the force , feelings and seconds and thoughts ,Ā a willing sacrifice to an ever - craving godĀ ) .Ā after ,Ā or now ,Ā he stares at the beige ceiling and counts his mistakes.Ā he imagines them as grains of sand ,Ā each mounting up again and again and again still.Ā he places them into jars until they overflow ,Ā and at some point he loses count.Ā Ā perhaps it is fitting , after all , that they would end up in a planet made of endless mountains and dunes.Ā Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā obi-wan kenobi can live with grief ,Ā has lost too much at too young of age not to know how to.Ā here is what he can not fathom :Ā emptiness.Ā where once there was the universe ,Ā now there is only a bleak beige ceiling , cracks in the cement that spread through , like veins.Ā sometimes , silently , he wonders if they lead to a heart. he wonders if there is still a heart in the desert to lead to.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā still ,Ā here ,Ā sitting at a kitchen table ,Ā there is colorĀ :Ā Ā padmĆ©ās hair ,Ā the scarf around her shoulders ,Ā the soft palete of milk and fruits , the smell of caf in the air.Ā he drums his fingers against his legs ,Ā a single eyebrow lifting. a hand to his chin , a stroke to his beard āĀ he falls into the same familiarity of an once known home , only in another place.Ā Ā Ā Ā įæ¾ Ā Ā ah .Ā heās not with the animals again , is he?   ᾿    a small smile , then , flashes through his features. a fondness for which he has no words , which his dogma once forbid.Ā attachment.Ā Ā Ā and then , as silently as it came , it slips away , for a second or perhaps twoĀ :Ā Ā had obi-wan not always measured his words carefully and exactly , it may have slipped out , but he does so almost obsessively ā he weights the syllables against his tongue , measuring their length and the sound of them , feeling them against his throat.Ā these words ,Ā the words that are not spoken ,Ā wrap around him as a rope.   ῾  either leia is still asleep , or sheās running about in the city āĀ but i would never dare to take credits from a lady.  ᾿ Ā Ā if sheās anything like her father.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā obi-wan cuts a piece of fresh fruit with his hands, and places it in his mouth, chewing slowly as though to enjoy every single ounce of taste it may offer.   ῾ well ,Ā do tellĀ , padmĆ©.Ā iām rather curious now.   ᾿
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā obi-wan dreams of fire.Ā Ā he dreams of a planet within a volcano, or of a planet that is a volcano itself, erupting, its lava surrounding and sliding through aĀ path of destruction.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā he dreams of smoke, of pleas, of darkness.Ā Ā Ā Ā obi-wan kenobi wakes up to blue.Ā Ā Ā the bluest sky he has ever seen, so blue that no cloud dares to pass by.Ā he does not know which one is worseĀ :Ā choking on smoke or choking on guilt.Ā Ā guilt ,Ā you seeĀ , is a corrossive.Ā Ā Ā Ā its acidic slithers though skin and corroses everything on its path.Ā Ā Ā guilt is eternal. dreams are not.Ā Ā Ā he closes his eyes, and opens them again, and closes once more, but the sky is still blue, and so are the eyes. blue, and blue, and blue.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā he stands up, and finds a breakfast table perfectly set for four. @liberdie already sits on it, as regal as always, quiet in her grief as she is in her pain, hidden away in a face made for lying.Ā within obi-wan, there is a wound, already in the stages of healing. he picks at it, and blood flows out again.Ā Ā Źæ padme, dear one. up this early?  ʾ    his voice is still rough from sleep ,Ā though for her and her alone he softens it, taking the seat next to her as he spreads what looks liks bacta on a bread and prays it tastes differently.Ā Ā Ā āĀ and what of the kids?Ā are they still asleep?   ʾ   it is quiet conversation , almost forced , in this reality for which he should not have, nor belong.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā from the corner of his eyes, he sees a bright speck of golden hair, and digs deeper into the wound, so that healing wonāt comeĀ :Ā Ā an eternalĀ hemorrhage,Ā you bleed, and you bleed, and you bleed.Ā Ā it is quiet conversation. it is quiet reality. guilt is corrossive, and it spreads throughout his body.Ā Ā Ā
liberdie.
@trajedisĀ· :Ā ā are you giving me professional advice ?Ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā even better , general kenobi :Ā the advice of a politician: Ā think fast ! Ā ā Ā Ā she says it not meekely , lips only slightly upturned even as she shoots over his shoulder ; Ā there is the sound of metal crashing against the floor. padmĆ© turns: Ā eyes on his eyes.Ā Ā ā Ā are you leavingĀ Ā allĀ Ā the droids to me ? Ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā š ššššššššš ššššĀ ,Ā Ā Ā Ā theĀ blueĀ ofĀ theĀ lightsaberĀ alreadyĀ shiningĀ throughĀ asĀ heĀ dodgesĀ blasterĀ shotsĀ fromĀ theĀ droidsĀ aroundĀ them.Ā Ā Ā āĀ now ,Ā senatorĀ , you know how i feel about politicians.Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā theĀ bladeĀ flipsĀ ,Ā andĀ inĀ aĀ singleĀ swingĀ ,Ā threeĀ droidsĀ fallĀ nextĀ toĀ her.Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā i imagined you could use a bit of action -----Ā thatĀ is the advice of a jedi.Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā
a few post - order 66 headcanons to honor this url :Ā
obi-wan is unable, for the first few years, to meditate. what was once a source of comfortĀ &Ā a way to ease the weight of his feelings and a form to find the prized jedi balance, turns into something agonizing : when he closes his eyes and tries to be one with the force, all he feels is cold, and fractured, and he finds a void where there was once warmth. he remembers, then, the great void and cold feeling of the deaths of order 66. he hears anakinās screams and his pleas for help. he feels the darkness that overbears and engulfs the galaxy. he canāt meditate.Ā
on every empire day, he drinks his feelings out in the closest cantina. labyrinth of evil, gambit & other legends books have touched briefly on obi-wanās fondness for cantinas and his enjoyment of drink, and on days like that it goes overboard. he drinks until he can not feel anymore, and gets himself back up again the following day.Ā
obi-wan is also disconnected from the jedi who parted and became one with the force. in this case, he becomes disconnected from qui-gon jinn, who, even if attempted, would not be able to contact him. he is not in harmony with the force. he is not balanced. no matter how many times he may pray for guidance, it never comes.Ā
a lot of his fragmentation with the force has to do with a loss of faith. think of it as a loss of religion, as a disappointment and disenchantment with all that he used to believe so deeply, almost blindly. he can not believe that the force would be this cruel, and he finds errors in the jedi way that before he was too blinded to see. it breaks something within him, and it takes him a very, very long time to come in terms with all that has happened and with his faith, belief and, yes, love for the force. much like someone who has gone through immense tragedy is unable to find comfort in god, he is unable to find it in the force, which breaks him, to a degree, because that was a gigantic part of him in the past.Ā
@dragsunsā said : ' i told you before. no one kills you but me. 'Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā šššššššššāš šššš š šššš šššš š šššš šššš ,Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā and then , as swiftly as death came ,Ā Ā comes the silence.Ā Ā Ā no ,Ā Ā that is not rightĀ :Ā silenceĀ would beĀ betterĀ thanĀ theĀ singleĀ thread - likeĀ ringingĀ ,Ā constantĀ andĀ continuousĀ , asĀ thoughĀ listeningĀ toĀ theĀ flatliningĀ ofĀ aĀ heart .Ā Ā Ā Ā perhaps this is deathĀ :Ā Ā Ā theĀ tasteĀ ofĀ ironĀ onĀ hisĀ tongueĀ ,Ā Ā theĀ weightĀ ofĀ bonesĀ andĀ muscleĀ andĀ fleshĀ bringingĀ himĀ down ,Ā feelingĀ everyĀ moleculeĀ ofĀ airĀ asĀ itĀ comesĀ inĀ throughĀ hisĀ lungs ,Ā Ā withĀ eachĀ breathĀ heĀ takesĀ ,Ā Ā aĀ sharpĀ Ā &Ā Ā painfulĀ reminderĀ ofĀ itĀ allĀ ,Ā Ā heavyĀ eyelidsĀ beggingĀ forĀ theĀ darknessĀ ofĀ shutĀ eyes.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā then ,Ā the force shifts.Ā Ā Ā there is a presence ,Ā Ā somewhereĀ withinĀ the putridĀ ,Ā engulfingĀ , eternal darknessĀ Ā ,Ā Ā somewhereĀ buriedĀ sixĀ foot deep belowĀ theĀ smellĀ ofĀ burningĀ fleshĀ ,Ā somewhere ,Ā somewhereĀ Ā ,Ā Ā a presence heĀ hasĀ notĀ feltĀ inĀ yearsĀ isĀ seen.Ā Ā
šš šššššššššĀ Ā Ā :Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā twoĀ youngĀ menĀ faceĀ theĀ battlefield together.Ā the year does not matter ,Ā be it only suffice to say it wasĀ Ā beforeĀ ,Ā Ā andĀ theirĀ bodiesĀ stillĀ moveĀ asĀ oneĀ ,Ā Ā lightsaberĀ drawnĀ Ā &Ā Ā Ā blaster shotsĀ deflected.Ā there is no time for questioningĀ ,Ā Ā only there were the need for suchĀ :Ā Ā suchĀ aĀ bondĀ existsĀ onĀ theĀ basisĀ ofĀ blindĀ trust ,Ā and oneĀ mayĀ considerĀ itĀ foolishnessĀ ,Ā Ā butĀ notĀ them.Ā Ā they are anakin and obi-wan ,Ā and obi-wan and anakin ,Ā andĀ thatĀ isĀ Ā enough.Ā Ā Ā obi-wan slipsĀ forĀ aĀ secondĀ ,Ā orĀ perhapsĀ twoĀ ,Ā Ā andĀ itĀ couldĀ haveĀ beenĀ the endĀ ,Ā hadĀ itĀ not beenĀ forĀ theĀ blueĀ lightsaberĀ toĀ theĀ leftĀ overĀ his shoulderĀ ,Ā andĀ aĀ droidĀ fallingĀ lifelessĀ toĀ theĀ ground.Ā Ā
no one kills you but me , master.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā a grin ,Ā andĀ , just like that ,Ā Ā they are backĀ inĀ theĀ battlefield.Ā Ā Ā it is obi-wan kenobi and anakin skywalkerĀ ,Ā Ā and it will always be.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā blackĀ bootsĀ approachĀ hisĀ bodyĀ ,Ā Ā theĀ menacingĀ soundĀ ofĀ mechanicalĀ breathsĀ fillĀ theĀ emptyĀ spaceĀ leftĀ byĀ theĀ noisesĀ ofĀ before.Ā Ā he doesĀ notĀ rememberĀ ,Ā Ā or he remembers it too well ,Ā Ā or it is all muddled with a voiceĀ fromĀ theĀ pastĀ ,Ā andĀ theĀ smellĀ ofĀ burntĀ flesh.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā masterĀ Ā ,Ā Ā pleaseĀ Ā ,Ā Ā Ā masterĀ Ā Ā helpĀ Ā Ā me.Ā Ā Ā Ā obi - wanĀ spitsĀ theĀ bloodĀ outĀ ofĀ his mouthĀ ,Ā theĀ bitterĀ feelingĀ ofĀ remorseĀ rippedĀ awayĀ byĀ theĀ voiceĀ ofĀ theĀ manĀ inĀ blackĀ ,Ā Ā theĀ creatureĀ ofĀ theĀ dark .Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā wellĀ Ā ,Ā Ā Ā i hope you have better luck next time.Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā blackness engulfs him.Ā

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Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā ššš šš ššš ššš ššššĀ Ā Ā toĀ holdĀ ontoĀ idealismsĀ ,Ā satine.Ā Ā there are livesĀ Ā atĀ stakeĀ here.Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā
ONE LINER > @laandurā
@liberdieāĀ Ā saidĀ :Ā Ā ā please bring him back to meĀ āĀ
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ššššš šš šš šššš, Ā thisĀ Ā obi - wanĀ Ā knowsĀ ,Ā Ā orĀ Ā ,Ā maybeĀ ,Ā Ā thisĀ Ā obi -wanĀ Ā hasĀ Ā alwaysĀ Ā knownĀ :Ā Ā itĀ Ā corrodesĀ Ā everythingĀ Ā itĀ Ā touchesĀ Ā ,Ā Ā leaving nothingĀ Ā behindĀ Ā exceptĀ Ā forĀ Ā itself.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā guilt breeds guilt ,Ā Ā an ever - consuming tumor ,Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā breathing wreckage after wreckage afterĀ ------Ā Ā itĀ Ā doesĀ Ā notĀ Ā doĀ Ā wellĀ Ā forĀ Ā aĀ Ā jediĀ Ā toĀ Ā lingerĀ Ā onĀ Ā suchĀ Ā matters.Ā Ā heāllĀ Ā swallowĀ Ā itĀ Ā downĀ ,Ā Ā letĀ Ā itĀ Ā burnĀ Ā asĀ Ā itĀ Ā findsĀ Ā hisĀ Ā wayĀ Ā throughĀ Ā theĀ Ā pathwayĀ Ā ofĀ Ā hisĀ Ā throatĀ Ā (Ā which it knows as intimately as one knows a loverĀ )Ā Ā until there is nothing left but the after - taste of himselfĀ Ā (Ā bruisedĀ &Ā bitterĀ Ā &Ā Ā batteredĀ ) .Ā Ā guilt is an acid Ā ,Ā Ā andĀ Ā heĀ Ā willĀ Ā waterĀ Ā hisĀ Ā woundsĀ Ā as heĀ Ā watersĀ Ā aĀ Ā plantĀ Ā inĀ Ā hopesĀ Ā itĀ Ā willĀ Ā washĀ Ā theĀ Ā woundĀ Ā away.Ā it blooms.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā herĀ Ā voiceĀ Ā pullsĀ Ā himĀ Ā backĀ :Ā Ā itĀ Ā isĀ notĀ asĀ heĀ onceĀ knew ,Ā the high , steadyĀ pitchĀ ,Ā theĀ certaintyĀ andĀ defianceĀ ,Ā Ā passionĀ lacedĀ andĀ ,Ā Ā somehowĀ Ā ,Ā Ā still kind.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā no ,Ā her voice is nothing like thatĀ :Ā Ā Ā itĀ Ā curls upĀ Ā inĀ Ā itĀ Ā ofĀ Ā itself ,Ā Ā Ā small and smaller still ,Ā Ā Ā aĀ threadĀ andĀ barely ,Ā Ā a soundĀ Ā moreĀ Ā likeĀ Ā aĀ Ā woundedĀ Ā animalĀ Ā thanĀ Ā aĀ Ā woman.Ā Ā Ā Ā he shudders at the sound of itĀ ,Ā even still.Ā Ā Ā Ā perhapsĀ Ā itĀ Ā isĀ Ā oneĀ Ā ofĀ Ā theĀ Ā manyĀ Ā aftermathsĀ Ā ofĀ Ā guilt.Ā ššš - ššš ššššššĀ ,Ā Ā jedi masterĀ &Ā general of the republic ,Ā Ā looksĀ Ā atĀ Ā padmĆ© amidalaĀ Ā andĀ findsĀ thatĀ thereĀ isĀ noĀ greaterĀ challengeĀ thanĀ toĀ respondĀ toĀ herĀ pleas.Ā Ā heĀ closesĀ hisĀ eyes.Ā heĀ opens hisĀ mouth.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā dear oneĀ ----Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā the words choke the life out of him , as a root in the pit of his stomach , a twig that is more a rope , a rope that wraps itself around him and mocks.Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ padmĆ©.Ā āĀ Ā Ā he tries again ,Ā a touch to her cheek that reproduces a softness which the skin he bears may notĀ :Ā Ā Ā jedi master , general of the republic ,Ā Ā but there isĀ Ā no republicĀ Ā Ā and there areĀ Ā no jediĀ Ā Ā and the words threaten to come out again.Ā Ā Ā Ā iām sorry , i am so sorry , this is my fault.Ā Ā Ā Ā he wants to say.Ā heĀ Ā hearsĀ Ā theĀ Ā criesĀ Ā andĀ Ā theĀ Ā agonyĀ Ā ofĀ Ā a ghostĀ Ā whichĀ Ā hauntsĀ Ā themĀ Ā bothĀ Ā andĀ Ā stillĀ -----Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā you ought to rest. dinner will be ready soon.Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā he does not say any of it.Ā