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@tragicghosts
Lies in Disgust and in Disguise.
I'm at the bottom of the ocean, the bottom the ocean and I can't reach you. I threw my thoughts into the sea, then they came running after me and I caught you. Kissing her. Tell Me Lies. Just tell me lies. I'm alone now in my bed. I'm grateful am I? I'm good as dead. I miss you, Yeah I miss you. The wolves came in, they stormed right in. Wished me away. All I can say, All that i can say. Is I loved you.
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Kissing my skeletons goodbye.
anyways my heart feels like it's gunna burst. maybe it's suppose to. maybe it needs to, has to. either way, it's going to. everything just got so fucking complicated. my head is telling me to run with full speed ahead in one direction, but my heart is tugging in the opposite direction. i feel like i can't take feeling like that anymore. it's like i hear songs on the radio and everyone's like "i'll wait for you." or "i'm missing you." blahdy blahdy fucking blah. my mind is just like shut the fuck up. i'm realizing that my life isn't like those songs on radio anymore. my mind is through with hope. not hope in general. but just hope on a certain situation, hope on a certain someone. just a few days ago a close friend of mine gave me some really encouraging words and lifted my spirits and gave me hope that maybe someday it could work out, slowly. eventually. and then i read somewhere, "don't assume how someone else is feeling." and here i am thinking, "yeah, man this could totally work!" so there i was getting all jazzed up. and i finally starting doing things that i didn't usually do to get me prepared. and then bam! all that excitement was for nothing. in the end, he ended up being a complete jack ass about it. which is what everyone said he was to begin with. i guess i should have listened, eh? but what are you gunna do? i mean i've been disappointed plenty of times. PLENTY OF TIMES! but it's like i don't care. i'm not the type to give up hope on life and love and war. yeah i may take me a while to get back up, and sometimes even when i'm standing on my own two feet again i still feel the cuts and bruises coming back. but like i said i'm not the type to give up easily. i'll try and try again. but i know when to bow out. i know when trying one too many times is just plain ridiculous. which is something that i'm learning about myself. i'm learning to just let. it. go. you can't make someone love you. you just can't. but i'll be honest when a heart breaks, it don't break even.
but yeah i'm over it, movin on. done! i've been thinking that i wanna start living my life as if it were a story that he will be reading...if that makes sense? i wanna be doing as many things as possible to make him regret making the choice to stay out of my life. but when he reads my story and wakes up and realizes that he misses having me in his life, it's not gunna be his choice for him to be in my life anymore. it's gunna be officially my choice. and my choice is that i don't want him in it. i want him to say to himself, "she's doing all these wonderful things with her life and i can't even be apart of it anymore." it's a shame though but God took him out of my life for a damn good reason i guess. and i'm totally glad He did.
I changed for you. sad thing is you never really saw me for me. although i tried to make you see, all i ever tried to do was love you. i've realised that you wasted all my precious time, until now i never saw the sign. guess in the end i lose, but i can't lose something that was never mine.
I just laugh :D
you're sucha drama queen. and i've got some shit to say. you may not give a damn, but you're gonna hear it anyway. you think you're so fucking pristine, but i can see right through your lies. i'm done with your little drama schemes, now go drink away your life. jealousy is such a waste, guess you never got the memo. spread your bullshit somewhere else, and not all over myspace. i made friends with you for far to long, and i hated when we fought. but when backstabbing is your thing, shit it's all you got. i'm gonna show you what i'm made of, bitch you just wait and see. while you sit there with your stupid grin and insecurities. i got all i need and more, but it's still a shame you couldn't see me as the friend i was before. soon your side of the world will come crashing down and i won't be there for that. while my side of town will still be around so go on bitch. attack :]
Dear world,
When you put your heart into Jesus. he's gonna bless you. he's gonna take care of you. you're gonna dream and pray for miraculous things that you may think will never happen, but with god, anything is possible. he's gonna surprise you in so many ways. you're gonna stop and think...'um wth! what just happened?!' cos' it's gonna happen!! remember that when your swimming in those tough waters. :]
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Dear Shasta;
we’ve been friends since your sophomore and my junior year. We have been on and off, but like you said every time we hang out again, it’s like we pick up right where we left off. It’s never awkward or weird :)) I’m glad we started to hang out again, like OLD times!! and i know we’re going on our fourth year pretty soon, and as much as i know about you, you don’t know half as much about me. But i genuinely mean this when i say it: It’s not you, it’s me! haha i’m queer. but seriously though even though i don’t tell you everything, you still read me like a fucking book and you legitimately care about how i’m feeling deep THE FUCK down!! And that’s scary to me. I’m not used to that and you know this. But it’s something that i honestly need to work on. You’re my actual pal and i love you inside and out. (especially out, when i’m looking at you from behind :)) But also on the inside because even when i have my temper tantrums, which is pretty often, you don’t care. You blow it off because you know i’m just acting like a complete pussy. Ive probably broken every rule in the book in our friendship, but you still stuck with me and looked passed my flaws..and you NEVER EVER gave up on me!! :)) And that is why i thank God that He put you in my life. You’re the one that’s gonna get to me, lol i promise you. LOVE YOU!! xx
Strike another match, go start anew.
It seems like ever since i got back from cali no one cares i'm home. they talked and talked about how much they missed me and how i need to move back home and now that i'm here no one cares. actions speak a lot louder then words and it's all talk now. i'm sick of it. it just makes me wanna move again. but i'm not going too. i know who has been there for me no matter what, you know who you are and this doesn't have anything to do with you. either i'm just being bitchy, or i'm just being real. i'm tired of dancing around everything. i'm tired of being nice, and scared to raise my voice in hopes of protecting every ones feelings. i've been every ones lifeboat for far too long. i've cared about everyone's feelings that couldn't give shit about mine for far too long. when they were hurt, i was hurt. but not anymore. that shits over and done with, because now that i need help, everyone scatters. stupid shit. i'm just planning to drop all the shady people from my life here pretty soon. it's time to start focusing on myself. i need a new life and new friends. i'm so over vancouver.
p.s. if you are offended by this, blow me.
Broken.
Seriously, like all i wanna do is change. do my own thing. love and care for myself. be a better person. follow my dreams. move on. be happy for him. he's obviously happy and has moved on. i figured out that the only reason i'm not happy and hold back is because of him. so in reality i'm making myself unhappy. i wanna be happy. i just know that in the end God did this for a reason and he saw that being with him wasn't good for me and was making me unhappy. i just need to forgive him and move one. maybe forgiving him is my closure. happy.happy.happy.happy.happy. lots of happys in this blog haha. annoying.
We'll find truth at the end of those broken promises. You were better off without me.
"Home for the weekend looking for a good time, of all the numbers you end up calling mine. “where were you when i needed you most? why did you leave me alone? we gave up before we gave it a chance and i don’t understand.”
It’s not okay for me to feel this way. it was so long ago, heart, please move on. i figured i would be okay. every time that i look at you i’m reminded of what we have been through.
"this routine has become so tiring; It was never as easy as it was before you and I lost touch. this might sound crazy, but I don’t know how to let you go. it’s hard to keep on fighting, when all you know is losing. tell me why these past 2 years have been a living hell. 'maybe we should take some time to think about what we should do."
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Summer in our heads tonight We got nothin do but were feelin alright.
Do I ever cross your mind? In the peak of the day..or the middle of the night? You’re always on my mind, every single day and every single night. Singling you out and leaving out the rest, because second best I'm just not buyin. How I wish I crossed your mind so you could assure me you are mine.
Here we go again. I thought I would be able to move on from it. But for some reason it just keeps coming back. I'm starting to get a little freaked out about it actually. I've never had so much irony in one situation. EVER. Idk a part of me wants to keep pressing forward and just let it happen. but then I'm like is it really coincidence orrrr am I just pointing all the small stuff out too much?? I guess we'll see what happens. anyways I'm at work and i'm about to close in an hour. Jr. is here keeping me company which is good.
"This union, a battle fought and lost. This union was not about the cause. This union was never about love.
You didn't want to save me. You set our house on fire to watch it burn. How could you just leave me? You broke my heart. You promised me the moon and stars. I fell for your dreams, i fell for your lies. There was no other way, because you know i tried. And i knew you could never love me. I had so much sorrow inside that you could never reach. But can i still keep a place in your heart?"
i developed a broad view on things tonight. i'm thrilled that i'm starting to find new baggage and becoming very intoxicated by them. i once thought to myself that i missed the old bianca and that i wanted to find myself again. so when i started working on that i realized that 'myself' was gone, and i was uninterested in her. i grew up. taking that in, i became super happy. i'm content because i'm in that beginning stage of actually moving on with my life. i'm driven now and i'm noticing that there is hope for once. i have sooo much to look forward too. it's obvious that i'm gonna break a sweat doing it all, especially at once, but im sooo fucking ready. nothing can stop me but divine intervention so bring it skanks...
Baby look in my eyes. Are you aware of my lies? My body in disguise..How can i sleep at night when all we do is fight.You’ll eventually catch on. It’s only a matter of time when you’re no longer mine because of this poison i hide behind. So it all becomes nothing in the end…And everyone can point fingers at me once again. You made it so very clear, but i'm still standing here. You locked your door and boarded up your windows and i didn’t know where to go. You’re hatred is starting to take it’s toll and i’m out in the cold, please just take me back home.