anyways my heart feels like it's gunna burst. maybe it's suppose to. maybe it needs to, has to. either way, it's going to. everything just got so fucking complicated. my head is telling me to run with full speed ahead in one direction, but my heart is tugging in the opposite direction. i feel like i can't take feeling like that anymore. it's like i hear songs on the radio and everyone's like "i'll wait for you." or "i'm missing you." blahdy blahdy fucking blah. my mind is just like shut the fuck up. i'm realizing that my life isn't like those songs on radio anymore. my mind is through with hope. not hope in general. but just hope on a certain situation, hope on a certain someone. just a few days ago a close friend of mine gave me some really encouraging words and lifted my spirits and gave me hope that maybe someday it could work out, slowly. eventually. and then i read somewhere, "don't assume how someone else is feeling." and here i am thinking, "yeah, man this could totally work!" so there i was getting all jazzed up. and i finally starting doing things that i didn't usually do to get me prepared. and then bam! all that excitement was for nothing. in the end, he ended up being a complete jack ass about it. which is what everyone said he was to begin with. i guess i should have listened, eh? but what are you gunna do? i mean i've been disappointed plenty of times. PLENTY OF TIMES! but it's like i don't care. i'm not the type to give up hope on life and love and war. yeah i may take me a while to get back up, and sometimes even when i'm standing on my own two feet again i still feel the cuts and bruises coming back. but like i said i'm not the type to give up easily. i'll try and try again. but i know when to bow out. i know when trying one too many times is just plain ridiculous. which is something that i'm learning about myself. i'm learning to just let. it. go. you can't make someone love you. you just can't. but i'll be honest when a heart breaks, it don't break even.
but yeah i'm over it, movin on. done! i've been thinking that i wanna start living my life as if it were a story that he will be reading...if that makes sense? i wanna be doing as many things as possible to make him regret making the choice to stay out of my life. but when he reads my story and wakes up and realizes that he misses having me in his life, it's not gunna be his choice for him to be in my life anymore. it's gunna be officially my choice. and my choice is that i don't want him in it. i want him to say to himself, "she's doing all these wonderful things with her life and i can't even be apart of it anymore." it's a shame though but God took him out of my life for a damn good reason i guess. and i'm totally glad He did.