My World

I don’t know you. I never will (or at least I don’t intend on it). I remember the first day I found out about you. It was like a thousand bricks hit my chest. I didn’t want to believe it and went into denial for the longest time. I felt so much anger towards you, the world, everyone, and especially him. How dare he lead me on only to hurt me in the end?

But looking back now, me being mad at you when he and I weren’t “official” made no sense. I just thought back then, if you truly love someone they would not treat you like that. I had no right to blame you for anything because how was it your fault if you didn’t know about me? I blamed him for the longest time. I tried to place blame on everyone and every factor that went wrong except myself. My mentality at the time was I was the perfect girl(friend). I gave him my life. My days were spent with him, my nights were spent with him. Every waking second my world revolved around him. I barely made time for myself. How stupid to reflect on that now.

Anyways, I know he broke your heart, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The days seem long and nothing feels right anymore. Well of course you feel that uneasiness. The one constant factor in your life suddenly disappeared. Maybe you don’t know it, but he might be feeling the same way because after all he ended things with you due to differences, not because there was another person in the picture.

I’m glad things ended for you guys the way it did because it may hurt, but at least you know he is not in the arms of someone else (I could be wrong). For me though, the hurt was different. I knew he was with you. I knew you were in his arms. For you, he gave you reasons why it didn’t work out. He gave you concrete examples and verbal communication why the relationship failed. I was never that lucky. He only told me, “You deserve better than this.” And when I begged for one more chance, he turned his back on me and gave his heart to you instead. It was devastating to say the least. I cried my heart out for days on end. I just wanted to know what went wrong and if there was anything wrong with me.

To this day I still don’t know his reason(s) for leaving other than to be with you. I don’t want to say I was not good enough because I was damn well good enough. I never invaded his privacy, I respected his space when he wanted it to spend time with his friends, I surprised him with random gifts, I randomly brought him food from my old work place because he loves sushi, I drove when he couldn’t, and a million other things others would never do. And I remember asking him about you and one cannot believe how gushy his responses were. It was then I knew he was not mine anymore and my futile attempts to put back the broken pieces seemed desperate.