Toxic Reality

Having a bad day. Decided I need to start getting all the toxic stuff out of my head and into a journal of sorts, so this is it.

The Hater is back. It’s the little “voice” inside my head that triggers the collapse of what little self esteem I have. I’ve never given it a proper name, probably because if I give it a name, then this whole thing I’ve got going on would start to resemble schizophrenia.

I’ve been feeling low for awhile, but The Hater arrived after my spouse asked me this morning, “Why would you say something like that?” I had been grumbling about the neighbors. Indeed--why WOULD I say something like that? Oh yeah, I kinda hate humanity. Even the superficially friendly neighbors get on my nerves sometimes.

Anyway, his question prompted me to think about what a shitty human being I must be to get bent out of shape about our generally nice neighbors, which triggers The Hater. Not an audible voice per se--it feels more like a chemical reaction that gets me caught in a negative positive-feedback loop.

Tears, runny nose, and congestion ensue.

I asked my spouse if I was a terrible person. Response: No, but sometimes you say terrible things.

I expelled all the garbage that was swimming around in my head: I’m tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m a worthless human being. We’re killing the planet and no one seems to care. Etc, etc.