Laying in State: What to Know About the British Royal Funerary Tradition
As the news reports stories of citizens in the British Authoritarian Royalty Fandom standing in line for over 24 hours to view corpse of their former monarch, many foreign to this custom wonder why. To explain this ancient and noble custom, we must understand the steps of the tradition and the complexities of what actually happens while Her Former Royal Majesty begins to rot.
Originally invented by John Dee, an advisor to Queen Elizabeth I, the act of “Laying in State” is meant to ensure the Queen’s reincarnation at the right hand of God. For the sequel, Queen Elizabeth II, Dee’s great (x12) grandson Fidel D. Dee will perform the acts upon the royal body just as recorded by J. Lacinius in the Pretiosa Margarita of 1714.
Step 1: A royal hole will be dug in the royal ground, which is specifically the ground next to the royal fountain just south of the royal garden shed, in which the royal shovel is kept.
Step 2: The royal corpse will be lowered into the royal ground hole by the royal mortician. The queen’s nudity in this phase is partly responsible for the long line of viewers.
Step 3: The majestic cadaver and its mortician are both closed into the tomb. A tradition dating back to ancient Egypt, once the mortician has fulfilled the final task, their life is forfeit.
Step 4: The tomb is covered for the really gross part of the rotting, in which the queenly flesh is devoured by the royal maggots, grubs, and dermestid beetles of Canterbury. The smell associated with this phase is known as “The Spirit of Monarchy.”
Step 5: The tomb is reopened and the now skeletonized former ruler is separated from the mortician’s commoner parts. Her bones are organized in reverse alphabetical order from the Zygomatic Bone to the Abdominal Dingus.
Step 6: Once the Queen’s femurs have been sorted from the rest, which is thrown away unceremoniously in the kitchen rubbish bin, the femurs are used to drum out the tune to “God Save The Queen” upon the tomb’s percussive edge. Pete Sandoval of the death metal band “Morbid Angel” has been chosen for Elizabeth II’s “drumming out.”
Step 7: According to history, this is the phase when the Angel Gabriel will come down from heaven to present God himself with the Queen’s left femur bone. In today’s secular society, where few believe in angels, we simply don’t know what will really happen. This mystery is also responsible for the long line of viewers, but not so much as the previous necrophiliac appeal.
Step 8: King Charles III will poop in the empty tomb to confirm his rule.
Truly, a majestic and mysterious tradition that showcases the divine right by which the royal family lives rich while their subjects starve, freeze, and die.
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