A Letter A Day to George Watsky

Sydnee

Sydnee

sydnee

hey George, I decided I’m not going to college, at least right away. it’s probably the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. and after I made it, I had to deal with the social repercussions–which I think were almost worse. everyone, and I mean everyone had shit to say about me not going. there are a few teachers at school I look up to and respect a lot, and I’m afraid to tell them I’m not going to college, as if I’m disappointing them. I know they’d be let down. everyone tells me I’m smart and capable. but I feel like school has effectively choked me nearly to death. if I don’t take a break, I know I’ll fall apart. I don’t want to pay (literally and metaphorically) for that. in the mail today, I got a letter from my aunt. inside was the front page of her local paper–the Portland Press Herald–about the rising trend of gap years. attached was a note that said “see–you’re not the only one making the decision to wait. :)” that meant a lot to me. my aunt has been an integral part of my life, and knowing that I have heard utmost approval makes it that much easier to face the people in my family who will not be nearly as approving. my mom tells me she’s okay with it, but I know she’s not. It’s obvious that she wants her only daughter to go to school and become something. she always says she would’ve gone, If only she could’ve afforded it, and “if she wasn’t so stupid.” she has dyslexia. she’s afraid I’ll end up in a dead end job if I don’t further myself. I have to keep telling her that just because I’m not going now, doesn’t mean I won’t go ever. I was talking to a friend the other day. his opinion has a lot of weight to me. he’s a couple years older than me, he’s 21, and dropped out. he told me he wishes he felt that it was okay to take a gap year, because if he did, he would’ve felt a lot more ready and probably would be almost finished his degree by now. what do you think? talk to you soon, sydnee

george, I'm feeling guilty for not writing in a long time. real life is hard. and I haven't felt like I had a lot to say in a while. I haven't written anything in a while. I like to think of it as my body going through a rejuvenation. a resting period. and when it's over, I'll be able to write more and live better. I got a message from a nice follower that prompted me to write this. they asked how I was and wondering why I hadn't been active. do people really read this? in my head, no one reads this, and one time you read it. I wonder if you've looked and become discouraged because of my inactivity. if so, I'm sorry for that. I hate to think that you're under the impression that I created this blog to grab your attention in a superficial way, that I was looking for attention. I promise I didn't. I have problems with finishing things, because finishing things is so permanent. I just applied to FAFSA (federal student aid) and am taking my Accuplacer on Tuesday. I don't even know if I want to go to college, but that's what I've always said. and I know I want a career that requires a college education. I know that if I go to college, I'll be better off than if I didn't. I feel like I'm going to college out of necessity more than out of want. I cannot work at a grocery store for the rest of my life. I cannot. where I work, you are either extremely fleeting or there until you die. I'd prefer to get out as soon as I can. I hope to leave where I live at least for a while, go somewhere new and do some new cool stuff. do you ever think about going home and staying there? or do you have no desire to go back? talk to you soon, Sydnee

hey George, I'm sorry I haven't been active. I broke my ankle and I've been out of work and I missed some school, so needless to say I've been busy, although less busy than usual. I've had a split on for week, I get my boot tomorrow and I'll be able to walk and not use crutches, which makes my days a lot easier. it's spirit week at school. every year, my class has come in second, and it being our senior year we're hoping to finally win. although, we would be the class to come in second every year. we have that kind of luck, I've noticed. tomorrow is decades day, and my class has the 80s, but I don't think I'm gonna do anything. it'd be a terrible lot of work and everything is a lot of work these days. at least I'll be able to participate in the crescendo of spirit week, the rally. it's really fun. each class does a kind of skit where we dance and we all sing the school song and see who can sing the loudest and stuff. it's really fun and a good way to let off steam by literally like screaming for an hour. kind of like a concert. how are you liking living in Brooklyn? we're in the same time zone now! I think that's pretty cool. better chance of you tweeting at a time I'll see it. i have notifications turned on for your tweets so id wake up and have like 10 notifications of your tweets because you were in California, so when I was laying my head you'd be eating dinner or something. I think it's cool when someone you're a fan of is in the same time zone as you. it makes you feel more connected. a couple months ago you tweeted, "I'm not quite sure." I don't remember in what context. anyway, I made it my senior quote because that's me lately: not sure of anything. I'm at a very precarious, transitional period in my life and thus I'm not sure. is that pretentious? I try not to be. maybe that's pretentious in itself. we're learning about conflict theorists in sociology right now, like George Hegel and Karl Marx. they saw conflict and Revolution and anarchy as, like, growing pains in society. things that are necessary and unavoidable and thus should be embraced and let to happen, because if you hold down a revolution it gives it that much more power. my sociology teacher says he considers himself a conflict theorist and I think I agree. revolutions are so interesting. we're in the middle of one now. as you once said, history is afoot. it's hard to see that while you're in it, but one day when both of us are returning to dust, our respective grandchildren or great grandchildren will ask us where we were or what we thought when gay marriage was passed, or when the riots for #BlackLivesMatter started. and I think that's really cool. talk to you soon, Sydnee

George, you did a song with Spose recently. I think it's really good. listening to it got me thinking about when Spose's first "hit" came out. I live in Maine, so it was literally everywhere. I was in 7th grade. I thought it was hilarious and smart, I even went to the Old Port Fest either that year or the year after to see him. he's a really smart guy. it makes me happy that you and him are friends and colleagues. I hope you come back here soon, I can't wait to see you in concert! it's been a few years since your sleeping in cars to play random colleges days. maybe you could even do a poetry session at my school again, provided I'm still there and you even have time, if you come on a tour. my public speaking/debate teacher would absolutely love to have you. talk to you soon, Sydnee

talk to you soon, sydnee

George, thank you so much for tweeting me and reading through my blog! you thanked me for sharing so much of myself with you, and I have to say, I need to thank you for the same thing. your poetry and music has always been personal, and you do it on a global scale. when you release a poem or a song, it's like a journal page or love letter to the whole world, and not everyone is permitted to appreciate or like it. I think you're bold in the most outward way possible, and you deserve to thanked for that. your feelings and musings have inspired me for years and I hope they keep inspiring me as I get older and so do you. talk to you soon, sydnee p.s., happy birthday!

George, I don't have time for much anymore. work, school, and juggling spending time with my mom and still going down to see my dad has pretty much consumed me. I'm not writing as much. I'm losing followers on my main blog like crazy because I'm inactive a lot of the time now. I wish I had more time. 24 hours it's enough. I had school and worked until 6 today, now I'm doing homework and hoping to crash into my pillow in a few minutes. how did you handle this stuff when you were in high school? I love writing so much. I do it because I love it, I do it because it makes me feel good and because it's how I process my feelings and describe my aspirations. but how am I gonna find time? I have to prioritize and lately writing isn't even on the list. it feels just short of improbable, luckily not impossible. I'm not sure how people get through school, work, and other activities with an air of coolness surrounding them. maybe they're on some other plane of existence I haven't achieved yet. maybe they're on their last reincarnation and I'm on my first. talk to you soon, sydnee

im not sure what im getting at. im really bad at organized, coherent thought. maybe its because i had a test in psychology today. talk to you soon, sydnee

George, your song grass is greener perfectly describes how it feels to have a chronic illness. having a body that fights each tiny prayer you whisper to yourself is exactly what it feels like. I get chronic migraines. out of a 30-day month, I probably have a week total of migraine-free days. I've been on a medicine called propranolol that's helped a lot, now I only get 5 or 6 a month, but migraines are so unbelievably debilitating. when I get mine, I can't open my eyes. I have to be in the dark. it has to be completely silent. I can't eat. it's so hard to sleep. I've had to leave school at 10 AM because I could feel it coming and I knew it was going to be bad, and it was. migraines feel different from headaches. you can tell the difference. headaches are a minor annoyance that sits on the back of your brain, migraines demand attention. mine are on my pupils mostly. I can feel it pulsating back and forth between them. I know that sounds unreal and kind of crazy, but it's true. it's the worst pain I know of so far. I just had to get that out. I had one today and it was horrible. in other news, it's my first post in September and I start school tomorrow. talk to you soon, sydnee

George, it's my birthday! I'm 18 now. I don't know how I feel about birthdays really. they haven't always been good. most of them haven't been great, my 16th being the worst. but I won't get into that. it was cool for my family to call me. my aunt and grandmother at least. then of course my friends and my parents, but a lot of people forgot. or don't remember. a lot of people always forget. I love other people's birthdays and I know how much it hurts when someone you believe yourself to be close to forgets, so I always make sure to say happy birthday to everyone I know and love. I don't know how I feel about adulthood. it's really scary and unfamiliar and frankly terrifying, so I tend to kind of just ignore it. i won't be able to do that for very much longer. when you become an adult, they really take you for all you've got. I don't understand why adulthood should equal expensive schooling, bills, and mountains of debt. I don't understand why we enter the world at a disadvantage. well, not everyone does. but I and all of my friends certainly will and are. everyone has a different experience with adulthood. what did it mean for you? talk to you soon, Sydnee

Sydnee

George, hey. I'm really sorry about not writing. i started my job and it's unbelievably tiring to bag groceries for 7 or 8 hours straight. my feet hurt like nobody's business. it's not all bad. I enjoy talking to people and the people I work with are really nice so far, a big part of my job is literally just jumping onto a line when I see a cashier needs a bagger so I've come in contact with a lot of people, and I've liked all of them so far. I just got home from my shift and I'm pretty tired, so it's ttfn. is this what real life looks like? talk to you soon, Sydnee

p.s. - took my ID photo in a watsky t shirt. :)

George, I love sleep. the problem is, I don't sleep enough or when I should. I went to bed at 6pm last night. now, in all disoriented watching friends eating popcorn and drinking lemonade. I start my job tomorrow. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. my mom was talking to my Memere and said she "waited for me to come to her" but I didn't. she told me to apply. I don't know why parents do that. I'm really sleepy. talk to you soon, Sydnee