touché

i was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but it didn’t have an ending!

Jesus fuck okay so I’m a waitress at this restaurant that’s open really late and it’s nearly 1am and this family comes in and I’m so tired that I handed their BLIND SON a menu and he’s like “ah… thank you… I’ll just… read this” in a serious voice and I fucking snorted

GOD DAMN IT I PUT THEIR FUCKING FOOD DOWN AND NO ONE WAS TALKING SO THIS LIL SHIT FUCKING EXCLAIMS “WELL IT LOOKS DELICIOUS” I LOVE THIS FUCKING KID

this is going to sound dumb but does anyone else feel like they have good and bad face days? like some days i’ll look in the mirror and be like ‘yes my face is kind of attractive’ and then others i’m like ‘did i get hit in the face with a frying pan or something’

Yeah cats TOTALLY only like us for food and have no emotional dependency at all.

THIS IS SO CUTE I CANT

it’s like, human, excuse me, i would like you to pet me. thank you.

i love this so much.

Me.

have you ever had to restart a song because you spaced out and weren’t appreciating it enough

what she says: I’m fine what she means: i don’t understand the concept of mermaid man and barnacle boy. are they supposed to be average sized humans? if they are then does that mean that spongebob and all the citizens of bikini bottom are actually human sized? how did they get so big? how come in the spongebob movie when spongebob and patrick are on the beach they are so tiny compared to david hasselhoff and the other people on the beach? are these regular sized human beings or are they actually giants? if they’re regular size then why are mermaid man and barnacle boy so tiny? how did they get that tiny?

please keep the uglies off my dash

raise your hand if you are scared shitless about the future yet couldn’t care less at the same time

what the fuck is that thing

my child…?