to the library

Jeongin breathed in deeply, blinking and trying to reign himself in. He was supposed to pose and be still, not ogle his boyfriend like he was a piece of meat. But Hyunjin wasn’t making it easy. 

The shop downstairs steamed rice cakes all day, meaning that even if it was February and ice cold outside, Hyunjin’s apartment was sweltering. Jeongin assumed it was good for Hyunjin’s heat bill, but it made Jeongin very distracted when he was over because it was impossible to wear too much clothing. 

Case in point, at the moment Hyunjin was wearing a pair of paint-stained sweatpants and a loose sleeveless tee, arms bare and muscles flexing softly with every movement. 

“If you keep looking at me like that I won’t be able to show this picture to anyone,” Hyunjin said with a small smirk as his eyes just briefly met Jeongin’s before he returned to the canvas. 

“Hmm, what do you mean?” Jeongin teased, trying not to fidget too much as Hyunjin finished the last of the details. 

Hyunjin had drawn the outline a couple of days prior and did most of the painting based on a photo he had taken of Jeongin, but in order to do him justice, Hyunjin wanted to get the fine details done with Jeongin in front of him. It hadn’t taken much convincing to get Jeongin to pose for his boyfriend in the chosen outfit; a loose shirt barely hanging unto his frame along with a pair of jeans so distressed it was up to a few select strings to keep the fabric together. 

In his hands was a random book Hyunjin had told him to hold in a lackadaisical manner, which Jeongin had yet to figure out how to pull off correctly, but since Hyunjin hadn’t corrected him at any point, he assumed the artist was satisfied.

“I always look at you like this,” Jeongin said with a lifted eyebrow at his boyfriend. 

“And that is why I have to stay ahead of my projects because otherwise I’d never get anything done,” Hyunjin said with a smirk, making Jeongin scoff at him. “Now sit still, I'm trying to finish your eyes,” he added and Jeongin allowed him to return to his work, instead settling in to just watch Hyunjin work while soft music drifted from a speaker in the corner. 

Hyunjin looked like an angel with the sharp and rare February sun falling over him like a cape from the window, his blonde hair glowing like a halo. 

Jeongin wanted to write him into every book he wrote, immortalizing Hyunjin to the point that he would never be erased from the world even when they were dead and gone, their bones nothing but dust. He could feel it, a myriad of worlds and innumerable characters all with bits and pieces of the man he loved.

In all honesty, Jeongin wanted to do nothing but wax poetically, and perhaps overly dramatic, about Hyunjin for an eternity.

“So, when will your classes end next Friday?” Hyunjin asked in a very uncasual casual tone after a couple of quiet minutes.

“Hmm, the 14th?” Jeongin asked, trying to keep his face still as he leafed through his book slowly. “I should be done around noon, but I was thinking of going out with Yedam. Why?” Jeongin asked, eyes indifferent as they looked up. Hyunjin had stopped working and was watching him with a guarded expression.

“You want to hang out with Yedam… on the 14th of February?” Hyunjin asked as if he couldn’t quite believe Jeongin. 

Hyunjin made it almost too easy.

“Yeah, why?” Jeongin asked, trying so hard to stifle his smile. “Something special about that day?”

“It’s Valentine’s day!” Hyunjin objected, dropping his brush and looking at Jeongin with indignation. “You’re telling me you want to spend the day of lovers with your friend?”

“You’re so easy,” Jeongin laughed loudly, covering his mouth with his hand, reveling in Hyunjin’s betrayed glare. His joyous expression quickly slipped off his face when Hyunjin threw down his palette and stormed over to Jeongin, ticklish intent clear in his eyes.

“No, no, no,” Jeongin squeaked, sliding down so he could use his bare feet to keep Hyunjin away from him. “You can’t get paint on me,” Jeongin warned, foot placed on Hyunjin's chest to keep him away, his eyes still sparkling with happiness. “It would ruin your aesthetics.”

He laughed when Hyunjin sighed and retreated, dropping himself down in the chair next to the mattress, and crossed his arms with an annoyed huff and pouted.

Jeongin giggled, put his book down, and scooted up to sit beside Hyunjin. “I haven’t forgotten Valentine’s Day, Hyun,” he said softly, trying to look adorable as he smiled at Hyunjin. “I will be done around noon. I thought we’d start out with coffee at our café,” he added, placing a small kiss on Hyunjin’s cheek, trying to console his still pouting boyfriend.

“I wanted to try and get us dinner at a fancy restaurant,” Hyunjin said softly, eyes falling to his lap. “But it’s impossible to get a table anywhere and I…” Hyunjin trailed off, his eyes looking sad and far away.

Jeongin sighed, shaking his head.

“I don’t care about money, Hyun,” Jeongin said, heart hurting. It wasn't a problem between them per se, but since Jeongin’s parents hadn’t stopped their monthly transfers of money - mostly likely a sign that his father was having a guilty conscience - it was obvious that Jeongin had a lot more money than Hyunjin, who only had his art scholarship and the money he made at the 24-hour mart he worked at. 

Not that Jeongin was using much of his allowance at the moment anyway since he was trying to save up anything he could in case the monthly transfers suddenly stopped. He had picked up a few shifts at the library and had persuaded Ryujin at their café to train him as a barista. Jeongin was now slowly getting the hang of making leaves out of foamed milk. 

Still, none of them had a lot of money to spend.

“I know Felix is all up in the clouds over Changbin getting them a reservation at that super fancy place,” Jeongin said trying to catch his boyfriend's eyes. “But I don’t care. Actually, I’d prefer it if we didn’t go anywhere fancy. What matters is that we have a day together to stare at each other, and if we end up getting fried chicken and take the opportunity to have my apartment all to ourselves, then that would actually be perfect.”

“You sure?” Hyunjin asked, looking up shyly, his fingers fumbling with the string of his sweatpants nervously.

“Yes, Hyun, I'm sure,” Jeongin smiled, reaching out to bump their feet together. “I love you, not the idea of a perfect date. And it’s a Friday in February. There will be more of those in the future.”

“You always seem so sure we’ll be together forever,” Hyunjin said, eyes trained on Jeongin. “How can you be so sure? No one has ever lasted this long with me,” Hyunjin admitted, biting his lip.

“The others weren’t me,” Jeongin replied honestly, staring at his boyfriend. Hyunjin’s doubts weren’t new, but Jeongin was just glad he voiced them. “You were made for me and I for you. Of course, it didn't work with the others. I know for sure that I won't love anyone as much as I love you. There is nothing to even doubt there,” he said, trying to fill his voice with all the honesty he had. “There will ever only be room for you in my heart. Only you, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin just looked at him, nervously twisting his fingers. Jeongin knew it wasn't that Hyunjin didn’t believe him, it was that all his experience spoke against what Jeongin was saying… and that was okay. Jeongin would convince Hyunjin one day. His doubts would never shake the foundation upon which their relationship was built. Jeongin just had to strengthen it every now and then, and that was fine. More than fine, actually.

Jeongin would never get tired of telling Hyunjin how much he loved and cared for him.

“I love you,” Hyunjin said softly, not meeting Jeongin’s eyes. “I can’t be as eloquent as you… But I hope you’re right. I’d like to paint you when you’re old and gray,” he added almost shyly and Jeongin felt his heart warm. He really didn’t doubt Hyunjin’s love. 

What they had was forever. 

“So, Friday,” Hyunjin said with an awkward cough, clearly wishing to talk about something else. Sometimes emotions got too much for Hyunjin, and that was fine. Jeongin wasn't one to speak, he still struggled with his own most of the time. “Coffee, and maybe splurging on some fancy takeout?”

“Felix is out all night. Changbin hasn’t told him but he booked a hotel room with a huge bath and a city view,” Jeongin said, his toes caressing Hyunjin’s ankle. “He looked really weird when he talked about it, so I think it’s some kind of fantasy of theirs to fuck in a penthouse, or in a big bath or something, but I didn’t want to know, so I didn’t ask,” Jeongin continued, pulling a laugh out of his boyfriend and making his shoulders relax. 

“Weirdoes,” Hyunjin said with a fond shake of his head. “So, we really have the place to ourselves. Just the two of us?”

“Hmm,” Jeongin agreed with a smirk. “But nothing sexual on the couch. Felix and I made rules, and really, the living room is for kissing only.”

“I prefer your bed anyway,” Hyunjin said flirtatiously. “More space to spread you out,” he said with a wink, making Jeongin blush.

“Easier for you to pretend not to have the energy to get up, and make excuses to stay the night, you mean,” Jeongin said, laughing when Hyunjin looked at him with a pout. “Which is lovely because I love sleeping next to my big, warm boyfriend,” Jeongin said, pairing the words with a series of obnoxious kissing sounds.

“Good to know you find me hot,” Hyunjin said with a smirk, earning himself a shove from Jeongin. “And your brother,” he added, words once again a little too casual as he reached out to pick up his lip balm, fumbling with it. “Is he still coming next week?”

“So far, yes, but if not next week, then the week after,” Jeongin said, still stoking Hyunjin’s ankle with his toes. “You don’t have to come with me if you don’t want to, you know.”

“As if I’d let you go meet him alone,” Hyunjin said, voice dark as he looked at Jeongin. “I’m not letting them hurt you again. I know you say he just wants to talk, but I don't trust him.”

“And you don’t have to,” Jeongin said, reaching out to take Hyunjin’s hand. “I just need you to know that my family drama is optional. But if you want to come with me, then I’m sure as hell not gonna stop you. The sooner he meets you, the sooner he'll get used to seeing us together, and the sooner things will stop being weird. At least his girlfriend is super nice.”

It wasn’t that Jeonghwan didn’t accept Jeongin’s choices and Hyunjin’s place in his life. It was just that he was perhaps just a tiny bit overprotective. His girlfriend had been quick to latch onto Jeongin and they had messaged quite a lot on Instagram. Unlike what his mother seemed to believe, Hwayoung’s family was a lot less strict, and as it turned out Hwayoung was very accepting. Apparently, she was an avid BL reader, and, well, Jeongin wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth even if it might be a bit unexpected. Progress had to come from somewhere, he supposed. 

“I'm all in, family drama and all,” Hyunjin said, still fidgeting with his lip balm. “It can’t really be worse than my own, can it?” He added bitterly, eyes fleeing out the window briefly. Jeongin had finally told him about when Jeongin had confronted Hyunjin’s parents a few weeks ago, and it had led to a very long talk and quite a lot of tears.

Jeongin had the feeling that Hyunjin never had the opportunity to really talk about what happened, and after everything he had done for Jeongin, well, he was making damn sure Hyunjin never felt alone with his problems anymore. 

“Good thing we come equally broken,” Jeongin said soothingly as he caught Hyunjin’s eyes. “Told you we were perfect for each other,” he added sugary sweet, succeeding in making Hyunjin hold back a giggle as he finally uncapped his lip balm. 

“Sap,” Hyunjin said, the sweet scent of vanilla filling the room. Jeongin eyes followed the lip balm as it moved over his boyfriend's lips and the dark desire that had been bubbling in his stomach reemerged.

“Can I have some?” Jeongin asked as he sat up, leaning closer to Hyunjin, the mattress creaking under him as he got on his knees, elbows on Hyunjin’s thigh. Hyunjin raised an eyebrow, looking down at Jeongin.

“Sure,” Hyunjin said, but instead of handing the lip balm to Jeongin, he put the cap back on and dropped it on the table next to the chair. “Come here,” he said, gesturing for Jeongin to lean in closer. Jeongin complied with a roll of his eyes, playing along as he leaned in to capture Hyunjin’s lips with familiar ease.

As always, the touch of Hyunjin’s lips against his own felt like coming home. The movement of their lips was effortless and natural, and contentment flooded Jeongin all the way down to his toes. 

This was his home, his heart, his everything.

Jeongin was embraced by the sweet scent of vanilla as his boyfriend’s lips moved against his own slowly, and softly, an air of serenity shared between them. Jeongin sighed into the kiss, and Hyunjin hummed in response and broke the kiss to look at Jeongin with all the love in the world. 

“I love you, Jeongin,” he whispered, smiling against Jeongin’s lips. “I love you so much, it sometimes hurts,” Hyunjin admitted, connecting their lips together again, just as sweet and soft as before. Jeongin’s heart ached for Hyunjin when he reached his hands out, cradling Hyunjin’s face between his hands, softly caressing the other until they broke apart to catch their breath. 

“I love you too, Hyunjin, so much that I wouldn’t mind sharing your pain. All of it, share it with me and we’ll be okay,” Jeongin said, pulling back to look at Hyunjin properly. His boyfriend had slightly wet eyes, clearly feeling the overwhelming emotion love sometimes could become.

“We’ll be okay, Hyun,” Jeongin promised, softly kissing Hyunjin’s lips once before he connected them again, this time inviting Hyunjin in on his own request, allowing the other to deepen the kiss. Jeongin leaned back, hand on Hyunjin’s cheek as he settled back properly on the bed. Hyunjin followed along easily, the two of them still connected.

Jeongin broke the kiss to catch his breath, while Hyunjin settled between his legs, leaving sweet trails of kissing down the side of Jeongin’s throat, latching on to a spot, softly nibbling the skin. Jeongin took in a shaky breath before he drew Hyunjin up to connect their lips in a bruising kiss. 

Hyunjin pulled his lower lip between his teeth, sucking lightly on it before he delved back in, pressing Jeongin deeper into the mattress. Hyunjin let his hands travel, planting fleeting touches over Jeongin as he allowed himself to be commanded around and touched all over. Jeongin felt the fire beginning to burn in his veins, the all too recognizable craving for more, more, more filling him to the brim. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin breathed against Hyunjin’s lips, his eyes closed and his mind in a daze. “I wanna be on top, please.”

Hyunjin nodded, planting a last vanilla-flavored kiss against Jeongin’s lips, before he allowed himself to be manhandled into a lying position, as Jeongin threw his legs over his hips, straddling Hyunjin.

Hyunjin looked up at him, his eyes full of adoration when Jeongin dipped down, capturing his lips again, this time taking control of the movements himself. He searched for Hyunjin’s hands, and planted them on each side of him, moaning when Hyunjin used this newfound power to guide him down, pushing Jeongin against Hyunjin’s growing desire. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin moaned into Hyunjin’s mouth, planting his hands on Hyunjin’s chest to stabilize himself when he pulled away. “I don't think this is the best way to apply lip balm.”

“Are you complaining?” Hyunjin asked, hands tightening around Jeongin’s waist, holding him in place as he pushed up. Jeongin closed his eyes, exhaling shakily at the pleasure racing through him. “Because I can always stop,” Hyunjin added, teasing as his soft lips slid over Jeongin’s own in a soft enticing caress. 

Jeongin claimed his lover’s lips, delved deeper, stealing Hyunjin’s breath away. He swallowed down another moan, pushing himself closer as Hyunjin’s hands clutched at his waist, thighs cradling Hyunjin’s hips as they each pushed to be closer, to be one. 

“Don’t you dare stop, Hyun,” Jeongin whispered, his hands coming up to comb through Hyunjin’s hair. “Don’t you ever stop,” Jeongin added, tugging harshly at Hyunjin’s hair. 

Hyunjin moaned as Jeongin deepened the kiss, pushing them closer. They rubbed against each other, and the bubbling desire that had been simmering in Jeongin for most of the day blossomed as he felt Hyunjin against him, hard and impatient. Jeongin bit Hyunjin’s lips, earning himself another moan. 

“Fuck, Innie,” Hyunjin said, hands sliding from Jeongin’s waist, further down, groping and guiding him down again, giving both of them a rush of pleasure. “You’re going to kill me.”

“I’ve only just started,” Jeongin smiled, placing small pecks all over Hyunjin’s face. Jeongin loved this, the closeness of the two of them, the familiarity, and the care for each other.

“Mmm, true,” Hyunjin muttered, eyes zeroing in on Jeongin’s neck as he began to place rows of kisses up the column of Jeongin’s throat. “I’ll wait till after,” he teased and Jeongin punished him with another tug at his hair which made them slide closer. Jeongin hissed as they rubbed together, both of them clearly straining to be closer. 

“Don’t you ever leave me, though,” Jeongin said, eyes suddenly serious as he stared at Hyunjin, a strange fear filling him at the thought of a life without the man in his arms. He hadn’t had any nightmares since Christmas but the fear was still there. Three years without Hyunjin had been enough. 

Jeongin wouldn’t survive losing him one more time.

“We go together, or not at all,” Hyunjin said as he stared at Jeongin seriously. He pressed them closer. “There is no one else for me either,” he said, kissing Jeongin so softly and tenderly he almost wanted to cry.

“I love you,” Jeongin whispered, like a secret between the two of them even if the whole world already knew.

“I love you, too,” Hyunjin replied, his lips caressing Jeongin with every word. “In this life and whatever comes next,” he continued, sealing his words with a deep kiss. Jeongin moaned as Hyunjin guided him down again, clinging on to him like his life depended on it. 

Their lips slid together, kisses deepening as their hands began to wander. Jeongin would never get tired of this. The feeling of Hyunjin’s warmth against him, the feeling of his silken hair running through his fingers, or his velvety skin under his fingertips, the song of their lips meeting and the sighs and moans they drew from each other. 

Jeongin could kiss Hyunjin for years, decades, and centuries and he would never grow tired. If Hyunjin just kept touching him like this, making pleasure rush over him in waves, Jeongin could die happy.

Hyunjin was playing with the hem of Jeongin’s pants, fingers fidgeting with the hem over his lower back and making Jeongin go crazy slowly. 

Hyunjin liked to tease, drag it out and drive Jeongin up the wall. Jeongin was all too familiar with how Hyunjin could easily spend an hour just teasing, and tantalizing Jeongin, keeping him from pleasure. 

 Thankfully Jeongin could play this game as well.

“Hmm, you know I think there is something you forgot to tell me about your religion,” Jeongin said as he broke their kiss, pushing himself back so he could stare at Hyunjin. “A very important part about worship,” Jeongin muttered as he got off Hyunjin and the bed and fell back onto his knees in front of Hyunjin, situating himself between the other’s legs, his hands teasingly running up and down the insides of Hyunjin’s thighs.

“Innie,” Hyunjin moaned as Jeongin dragged his hands up Hyunjin’s thigh, his hand grazing the place where the other was straining against the fabric of his sweatpants. His boyfriend was watching him, eyes widening as Jeongin’s hands traveled higher, fingers hooking into his sweats and pulled down. Hyunjin knew better than to object and lifted his hips allowing Jeongin to pull the garment off completely.

“Love is a sacrament that should be taken while kneeling,” Jeongin said, smiling devilishly as he leaned in.

“Are you seriously quoting Oscar Wilde while -” Hyunjin didn't get to finish his sentence as he moaned when Jeongin took him in his mouth, his familiar taste spreading on his tongue. 

Jeongin looked up at Hyunjin through his eyelashes, eyes locked on him as he moved, sinking lower, swallowing Hyunjin deeply.

oOo

Jeongin sighed softly as he looked down on his coffee. This had sounded like a bad idea from the start, and he was a little sad he hadn’t listened to himself when he planned this. He sent his brother a pleading look, urging him to behave when Hyunjin clearly wasn’t in the right mindset to act properly either.

Jeongin drummed his fingers against the thigh of his boyfriend, hoping Hyunjin would pull himself together soon.

Hyunjin, actively ignoring Jeongin’s pleading touches, raised his hand to his mouth and took another bite of his apple, the crunch almost obnoxiously loud in the silence between them.

Jeongin raised his eyebrow at his boyfriend , staring him down with a miffed expression . Hyunjin smiled innocently back, chewing slowly as he stretched out his arm and pulled Jeongin close to him, anchoring his hand on Jeongin’s shoulder.

“So,” Jeonghwan said, voice tight as he straightened his blazer and fidgeted with his napkin. “How did you even meet?” He asked tensely, eyes narrowing when Hyunjin took another loud bite.

Jeongin wanted to hit both of them.

“I became friends with some of Innie’s friends,” Hyunjin replied as he swallowed, licking his lips. He tilted his head to the side, his fringe falling in over his eyes. “Met at their weekly get-together night. I’m not gonna lie , it took us quite a while to get past the whole me-being-declared-dead thing,” he added, his voice dripping acid as he gave Jeonghwan a borderline murderous glare, before sinking his teeth into the apple again, tearing off a bite. “Jeongin was pretty shocked, to say the least.”

Jeongin sighed, glancing down at his own coffee. At least that wasn’t insisting on maintaining the almost suffocatingly tense atmosphere.

“I can imagine. A surprise he recognized you,” Jeonghwan said pointedly, giving Hyunjin a once over. “You’ve changed… quite a lot.”

“Hmm, I always look my very best for Jeonginnie , isn’t that right?” Hyunjin drawled, finishing the apple with one last bite, the arms around Jeongin tightening its hold, his fingers digging possessively into Jeongin’s shoulder. “I always want to show him beautiful things,” Hyunjin said with a smile that made Jeongin blush a little just looking at it. 

Hyunjin had indeed done his utmost with his appearance. He was looking his very best, but also his very worst. There was no doubt that he had put on an attire he knew would provoke .

He had put time into styling his hair up, tying the long newly dyed blond strands up in a half-up half-down bun, a few strands colored blue to match his shirt and just a touch of what looked like glitter sprayed onto it making it shimmer in the light from above. Jeongin could excuse that by just saying Hyunjin had come from his studio, just making some finishing touches on some of his works.

Jeongin didn’t really have any explanation for the rest of his boyfriend’s outfit. 

His shirt looked a little like he was going to a party, and not a first meeting with his boyfriend’s brother. It was a deep royal blue that made Hyunjin’s skin look smooth as silk and his hair light like a fairy’s. It didn’t help that it was interlaced with thin panels of lace making it very sexy and seductive. Jeongin’s mind had already been gracious enough to make some very indecent plans for when they came home.

And then there was the make-up. Hyunjin had gone all out with his eyeliner, the fine black line intensifying the dangerous glare he was sending Jeonghwan. His eyelids shimmered with golden shades which were doing their very best at keeping Jeongin’s attention on Hyunjin only.

Hyunjin was dressed to turn heads, and, boy, was it working. Jeongin was a little afraid he would have to start hosing down some of the people around them with the way they were looking at him. Jeongin couldn’t blame them, but he still felt possessiveness boil within him whenever someone’s eyes lingered too long on Hyunjin.

It was all a very stark contrast to Jeongin’s brother who was dressed in an unassuming blue polo shirt, plain slacks and a matching blazer, looking more like he was on his way to a lawyer lunch eon than a casual cup of coffee at a café. 

Jeongin himself was dressed a little in between the two extremes; distressed jeans, a neat sweater, a choker Hyunjin had forced around his neck and his cross.

“Hyunjin looks like he always did,” Jeongin defended with a little cough, trying his best to stay neutral. “A change of hair color wouldn’t make me forget those eyes,” he said with what he hoped was a casual smile. 

Given that Hyunjin started smirking proudly and his brother looked a little slighted, Jeongin assumed he had failed. 

“So it was my eyes you recognized, hmm?” Hyunjin asked, voice dark and seductive as he pointedly stoked his thumb over Jeongin’s shoulder before he pulled his arm back, taking Jeongin’s hand into his own, intertwining their fingers and placing them on the table, right in front of Jeonghwan.. 

“It was all of you,” Jeongin deadpanned, giving his boyfriend a look that told him to behave. “You’re hard to forget,” he added with a roll of his eyes. 

“And, Hyunjin, you’re an artist, right?” Jeongwan asked, eyes on their joined hands. “Something you can earn a living on?”

“ Indeed, I’m an artist. I have an art scholarship, and as you might not know, those are very hard to get your hands on. I also write lyrics on the side with an up-and-coming producer group,” Hyunjin said with a shrug, squeezing Jeongin’s hand. 

“Yeah, Chan, you remember him,” Jeongin was quick to break in. “He started his own little company that sells songs. They wrote a song for that group you like,” Jeongin added with a hint of pride. 

“Hmm,” was all Jeonghwan said. Jeongin gave him a hard look. “That is very well done of your friends. You have to tell me which one and I’ll listen to it later.”

“It’s really good. And Hyunjin’s art is also really good, you saw the post I made the other day, right?” Jeongin said with a smile, wishing he could just go home and come back when these two idiots were ready to pull their heads out their asses. 

“Hmm, the painting of you half undressed?” Jeonghwan scoffed disapprovingly while Hyunjin’s smile just grew wider.

“The one where my shirt was barely open, yes,” Jeongin said tiredly. “It was Hyunjin who painted that. I found it to be a very nice depiction of me,” he added, pointedly taking a sip of his coffee.

“ Is art something you can make a living out of, in this day and age? I’m simply asking to make sure my baby brother has someone who can take care of him,” Jeonghwan said with a harsh look at Hyunjin. “After all, Jeongin is precious to me and I love him with my whole heart. The person who he chooses to love matters to me.”

“Well, good thing Jeongin is the single most important person in my life,” Hyunjin said with a bit of anger in his voice as he clutched Jeongin’s hand tightly. “He’s not just my boyfriend, he’s my best friend and family.”

“Family is blood,” Jeonghwan said, leaning back in his seat as he looked Hyunjin over. “Family is something you have, not something you just gain after dating for a few months.”

“It’s a whole lot fucking mo-” Hyunjin said, anger flicking in his eyes.

“Hyunjin is family,” Jeongin said, words heavy with finality. “And he will stay family so you two better quit whatever it is you’re doing, or I’ll walk out and leave both of you here alone,” he said, voice sharp. “Jeonghwan, I get you want to protect me, but Hyunjin isn’t the reason I converted. He isn’t why I'm gay, and I’m sure as hell not just doing all of this over some fling, or whatever you’re thinking, so pack it up,” Jeongin said, eyes narrowing as he looked at his brother. “I love Hyun with all my heart. Have done so for years. I don’t need him to take care of me because I can do so myself,” he added, turning to his boyfriend who was smirking at his brother.

“And don’t you start, Hyun,” Jeongin said with a hard look. “You could try and be a little more cooperative. Jeonghwan isn’t my parents. He supports me and loves me. If he didn't, he wouldn’t be here. You both need to give each other a chance, otherwise this won’t work,” he finished, lifting Hyunjin’s hand to give it a kiss just to dull the harnesh of his words a little.

It wasn’t that Jeongin didn’t understand Hyunjin. He was the one who had comforted Jeongin over his parents’ reaction back in December, the one who had been kicked out and declared dead by his own parents, and he was also the one picking up Jeongin whenever he got unsure… but they had to meet in the middle somehow.

“So, Jeonghwan, how’s university?” Jeongin asked, turning to his brother who was looking at him a little shocked.

“Is he always so scary?” Jeonghwan asked, looking at Hyunjin who nodded. 

“Worse,” Hyunjin replied with a smile. “Never play monopoly with him either. He’ll skin you. He's like a little mob boss in a good Christian’s body.”

“Hey!” Jeongin protested halfheartedly. He was just relieved they had managed to speak to each other once without trying to provoke one another. 

“Well, then,” Jeonghwan said with a smile turning to Jeongin. “University is good. I’m looking very much forward to being done soon,” he added while taking a sip of his coffee. His shoulders were still a little tense, but at least he was trying. 

“What kind of law are you studying?” Hyunjin asked as he looked at Jeongin briefly before turning to look at Jeonghwan. “Something respectable, I hope,” he added with a teasing smirk, but there was no malice in it this time. 

Jeongin sighed, turning to listen to his brother talk about his degree . 

oOo

“I'm glad you came,” Jeongin muttered into his brother’s neck, holding on for dear life and breathing in the familiar scent of him. “I missed you,” he added in a tiny voice. Jeongin still didn’t regret his decision, not at all, but it was hard. He missed his mom calling and as much as he used to fear her phone calls, he still felt a tug in his stomach when the phone rang and it wasn’t her.

“I'm glad I came,” his brother said, holding on equally tight. “And he isn’t that bad once he loosens up a little,” he was silent for a short moment before he moved on. “But if he hurts you, I’ll… figure out how much penance I have to pay for beating him to the brink of death,” he added, pulling away so he could look at Jeongin.

“You have to get in line,” Jeongin said, looking over to where Hyunjin was waiting and drawing way too much attention while he gave them the chance to say goodbye privately. “The rest of my friends have already been after us. And I really do love him,” he said, turning to look at his brother.

“I know. I can see it in your eyes,” Jeonghwan smiled sadly, cadling Jeongin’s face with one hand. “My little brother, all grown up with a boyfriend,” his eyes strayed to Hyunjin as he sighed. “ I wish I could do more to make mom and dad see reason, but… ” 

“That you’re here is enough,” Jeongin said with a small smile. “That you try. It means a lot to me. And to Hyunjin. ”

“They’ll get there,” his brother said, smile getting wry. “One day. Jeonghui and I have at least made it clear what we think. The ball is in their court.” 

“Maybe one day,” Jeongin said without much hope. “But tell Hwayoung I look forward to meeting her. She seems really nice.”

“Next time, I’ll try to bring her and Jeonghui… maybe we could meet all of your friends. Have a family get-together?” Jeonghwan asked, pulling away from Jeongin with a hesitant smile. 

“I’d like that,” Jeongin said, chest feeling a little lighter. “Now get out of here, or you’ll be late,” Jeongin huffed, pushing his brother out the door and away.

With a few short goodbyes Jeongin sent his brother on his way, staring at him until he got lost in the crowd. 

“He’s not too bad,” Hyunjin said as he walked over to Jeongin, leaning in and taking his hand carefully out of view from the people walking by. “I can see a lot of you in him.”

“Hmm, he didn’t hate you either so you can relax,” Jeongin said with a smile, tugging at Hyunjin’s hand and began the walk home. “It was nice seeing him,” he added with a deep sigh, looking up at the gray sky above wondering if perhaps it would snow later. It was mid February, Valentine’s Day just a few short days away and the weather app had been predicting snow for a while.

Jeongin sighed, leaning a little into Hyunjin as they slowly made their way home.

The last two months had been the best and hardest in Jeongin’s life. He and Hyunjin had truly settled into each other’s lives. Hyunjin had taken him to a party to meet all his art friends and spent the whole night preening like a peacock as he showed Jeongin off. Everyone had seemingly already heard of Jeongin and had been happy to meet him… and share their best stories about dumb things Hyunjin had done.

Jeongin in turn had introduced Hyunjin to both Yedam and Seojin which had gone better than expected, and as it usually did, life went on. Jeongin only took literary courses and while the semester was only just starting, he was already loving it so much more than he thought he would.

And well, things with Hyunjin were perfect, or as perfect as they could be. Their edges were still rounding, fitting better together as the days passed. They had experienced their first fight which led to Jeongin storming out and slamming the door in Hyunjin’s face. It had been so insignificant that he couldn’t even remember what it had been about anymore, but he remembered the fury and the anger that had lasted until he was at the end of the stairs when common sense sat in, and he had turned on his heel and went back, meeting Hyunjin halfway up the stairs, both of them falling into each other’s arms and apologizing.

Since then they had tried talking more, and Jeongin was getting better at setting his own boundaries, crying when he needed to cry and voicing his anger and annoyance before it became fury. Hyunjin was getting better at saying when he needed affection and when he needed space, when he wanted Jeongin to be possessive to soothe his insecurities and when to remind him he was loved. 

They were growing. Slowly, comfortably and together. 

But it wasn't all nice.

Jeongin had slowly begun to learn what it meant to be open and out. He recalled a situation when Hyunjin had picked him up at church, and Jeongin had been confronted by one of the older men at church, telling him he perhaps shouldn’t kiss his ‘friend’ in front of church, ordering Jeongin to ‘think of the kids’. 

Jeongin had been stunned to his very core.

It had only gotten worse when one of his neighbors had seen Hyunjin kiss him goodnight, and since then had dragged her son forcefully away from Jeongin, as if gayness was contagious, and Jeongin was jumping around like a cartoon devil trying to inflict it on as many innocent children as possible. 

Jeongin had begun to talk about it with Felix, and it had been both sad and a bit relieving to know that was normal. Still, Jeongin tried not to let it bother him. He kissed Hyunjin goodnight like he always did, and kissed him when he picked him up in front of church. 

Jeongin had burned all his bridges, turned his life upside down to be himself, and he wasn’t about to let a bunch of bigots change that. 

And well, perhaps it wasn’t perfect, but to Jeongin it still felt like perfection. 

“You seem like you’re far away,” Hyunjin said, tugging gently at Jeongin’s hand. “Feeling sad?”

“No. Yes. Maybe,” Jeongin said with a little sigh. “It’s not as easy as I want it to be. But I don't feel like breaking down crying, so that's an improvement,” Jeongin smiled, thinking back to the first time he had spoken with his brother during Christmas. Really, he doubted he had ever cried more than he had on that day.

His hand came up, pressing his cross gratefully to his chest under his clothes. 

“They’ll come around,” Hyunjin promised as he tightened his hand around Jeongin’s fingers. 

“Hmm, and if they don’t, I’ll survive,” Jeongin said with another glance at the sky. “I have you, I have our friends, my brothers, Yedam, Seojin… I have my own family. So, if they don’t want to be part of it, then that is their problem.”

“You sound so wise,” Hyunjin said with a smile, looking around before he leaned in and gave Jeongin a quick peck. 

“Because I am,” Jeongin said with a wink and a laugh. “Also, I completely forgot to tell you,” he said, turning to look up at Hyunjin slightly. “You look so fucking gorgeous today, and it was not fair of you to dress like this, knowing I had to sit in front of my brother and pretend like I didn’t want to lean over, and tear all of it off you the moment I saw you,” Jeongin said, voice dark as he licked his lips, turning to walk away. 

Beside him, Hyunjin stumbled over his feet.

“Innie!” Hyunjin complained with a shocked laugh. “You can’t say that to me when we were out,” he pouted but his cheeks were getting flushed in a way that had nothing to do with either the cold nor the embarrassment. 

“Then don’t tease me,” Jeongin said, swinging their hands between them as they turned down a quiet road, just them and a high schooler on his way home. 

“You know,” Hyunjin said, voice suddenly getting a little serious as he pulled to a stop under a bare tree stretching out over a wall, most likely from a little garden. It was wrapped up in fairy lights and Jeongin couldn’t help remembering their first date. The kiss under the lights, the paper snow and the feeling of absolute joy that had rushed through him. It seemed like it was yesterday, and yet, it felt like it has been a century since then. “I really, really love you,” he said, looking directly into Jeongin’s soul. 

“And I really, really love you, too,” Jeongin said, a beautiful smile blossoming on his face as he stared at his boyfriend. It was getting dark soon and above them the lights turned on, making Jeongin look up with a smile. It was like little stars, shining their blessing down upon them.

He felt Hyunjin lift his hand and Jeongin looked back down to meet Hyunjin’s serious eyes. 

“‘Put my name like a seal on your heart, like a mark on your arm,’” he said, frowning in concentration and Jeongin’s heart did a little flip. “'For love is stronger than death,’” he quoted, the words from the Bible coming out messily and wrong, but Jeongin’s heart skipped a beat and an expression of pure love blossomed on his face.

“‘It’s jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame,’” Jeongin finished for him, getting the end of the quote right. He smiled at his boyfriend adoringly. “That’s the verse my father quoted to my mother when they got engaged,” he said, the memory of his mother repeating it over and over as she stared adoringly at his father filling him. 

“You used to always come and ask me about the quotes in Bible study, didn’t you?” Hyunjin said, biting his lip as he looked at Jeongin. 

“You remembered?” Jeongin asked, surprised. “But I thought you could only remember my brother?”

“I found some of your old pictures when you were cleaning up yesterday, and I suddenly remembered how you looked. You were tiny when you were seventeen. All smiles, and these,” he said trailing a gloved finger over Jeongin’s cheekbones, “Weren't there yet.”

“Don’t remind me,” Jeongin laughed, shaking his head. “I looked like a kid till I was like nineteen.”

“I never had the guts to tell you that you were most likely better at getting meaning out of them than me,” Hyunjin admitted. “Everytime you came up to me I panicked not knowing what to tell you. You just used to stare at me with those big eyes,” he said fondly. Jeongin treasured his smile, knowing it was rare for Hyunjin to think about anything good happening before he moved to Seoul.  

“I only asked you because I loved listening to your voice,” Jeongin confessed, laughing as Hyunjin stared at him surprised. “What? You looked so cute leafing through your bible, desperately looking for the quote I was asking about,” Jeongin sighed, remembering how absolutely lost in Hyunjin he had been back then. 

It was even worse now. 

“So you didn’t even need my help?” Hyunjin asked, lifting an eyebrow as Jeongin shook his head. “I kind of should have known that,” he admitted with a laugh and pulled Jeongin into his chest, arms sliding around him. “I'm glad we got to meet again though,” Hyunjin said, voice suddenly serious. “And that we were both ready to meet each other this time. If there is a God, I’m happy about that part at least.”

“Aere perrennius,” Jeongin said softly, loving how Hyunjin’s eyes grew dark with the use of the language. Who would have thought learning Latin would have this kind of advantage? “More lasting than bronze,” Jeongin translated with a smile. “That is what our love is, Hyun, more lasting than bronze.”

“Some might mistake that for a proposal,” Hyunjin said, voice dark as he watched Jeongin’s lips with rapt attention. 

“Hmm, not yet,” Jeongin said with a coy smile. “But one day, when I’m ready, when you’re ready, Hyun, I will propose… so take it as a promise. One day you’ll be mine forever in the eyes of God and the world. I will either find a way, or make one,” he added, leaning up pressing his lips quickly to Hyunjin’s just as the snow began to fall around them.  

“Oh,” Jeongin said, pulling back and looking up. “Hyun, it’s snowing,” he grinned, beaming at his boyfriend, whose only reply was to lean back in and catch his lips again, sealing their love with a deep kiss. 

Jeongin closed his eyes, breathing in deeply as he forced the hurt back where it belonged.

The last few days had been hard. He wasn’t sure he would have been as fine as he was if Hyunjin, Felix, and the rest hadn’t been as supportive as they had been. They had been there to hear him rant, to comfort him when he cried, and to distract him when he got a little too lost inside his head.

Jeongin was stubborn. He wasn’t about to let anything, even his parents, stop him from finally becoming himself. So here he was, on Christmas eve, dressed up and ready for church just as he usually would, except nothing was normal.

Jeongin opened his eyes, steeling his nerves, and walked out into the living room, ready to get to mass. He stopped short, surprised to see Chan relaxing back on the couch wearing a black shirt and blazer. When Seungmin walked out of the kitchen wearing a suit, Jeongin’s confusion grew. 

“What-” he wanted to ask, but was interrupted as the door opened and Hyunjin, Jisung, and Minho stumbled in, Changbin yelling as he followed them.

“We’re here,” Jisung exclaimed, out of breath, laughing when Changbin fell through the door. “Changbin was last!” He cheered at Chan who was looking at him fondly.

“The neighbors,” Seungmin chided softly, looking on as all four of them rid themselves of their jackets and shoes to join him on the couch. 

“So how many times did Hyunjin end up changing?” Chan asked with a knowing smile. Hyunjin just gave him the finger, already on his way to kiss Jeongin.

“Five times,” Jisung laughed, straightening his navy blazer.

“Hi,” Hyunjin breathed, planting a big noisy smooch on Jeongin’s cheek just to annoy Jisung behind them. “You look really nice,” he said with a smirk that made Jeongin’s legs a little weak. Going by how Hyunjin’s smirk grew he knew exactly what he was doing to Joengin’s poor knees.

“Hello,” Jeongin said, looking around the room a little surprised. “So, can I ask why you're looking your very best?” 

Hyunjin was indeed looking his best, Jeongin mused, as he allowed his eyes to drift over Hyunjin. Dressed in a pair of black slacks, and wearing a pristine white shirt with dark blue pinstripes. Unlike the others and their blazers, Hyunjin wore a soft-looking cardigan Jeongin was pretty sure belonged to Jisung - which was supposed to be oversized, except on Hyunjin’s long frame it looked perfectly fitted.

His eyes were lined in the thinnest line of black, a soft silver shimmer adding just a hint of allure. 

He looked perfect.

“Hmm, for you, of course,” Hyunjin smiled, reaching in to give Jeongin a kiss. “Though I struggled a little with how modest I should go. My mom used to force me into a suit when we went to church on Christmas, and, sorry, honey, I'm just not doing that for Christ anymore. This shirt is like the most conservative I own, that must be enough.”

Jeongin looked at him silently, stunned for a second before he looked around the room taking in how everyone was dressed up. The final piece fell into its place when Felix exited his room, blond hair carefully styled and his familiar plain cross back around his neck while he pulled on his church blazer.

They were all coming with him.

“Is it okay?” Hyunjin asked, face beginning to look nervous when Jeongin didn’t reply immediately. “Should I have worn a blazer?” He fretted, biting his lip. Jeongin couldn’t stop himself from reaching out, pulling his boyfriend into his arms, and holding him tight. 

“Thank you,” Jeongin said, pressing his face into the crook of Hyunjin’s neck, breathing in deeply and trying to ignore the sting of tears in his eyes. 

“Oh, love,” Hyunjin breathed, pulling Jeongin close to his chest. “We wouldn’t let you go alone. Not this year, at least.” 

“Thank you,” Jeongin said, voice getting thick with tears as he just held on to Hyunjin like his life depended on it. “I- I - Thank you,” he said, digging his fingers into Hyunjin’s shoulders. He felt like if he let go he might break apart.

As Jeongin had cruelly learned, healing hurt almost as much as being torn apart did.

“Oh, Innie,” Jisung cooed, coming up to wrap both Hyunjin and Jeongin up in a hug. The rest followed shortly after and soon Jeongin was in the middle of a big group hug in the middle of the living room.

“We’d never let you go alone,” Chan said from somewhere over Jeongin’s shoulder, his voice calm and kind as always. “You’ll always have us.”

“It’s Jesus’s birthday, the least we could do was to show up at the party,” Jisung added, making both Seungmin and Minho snicker. 

“We’re all going to hell,” Changbin muttered from somewhere.

“Never,” Minho replied cheekily. “I'm pretty sure Innie will strike a good bargain for all of us to get in.”

“I don’t think it works like that, Min,” Chan said carefully. “I’m actually pretty sure it doesn’t work like that.”

“Hmm, what’s the angel dude who guards the gates of heaven?” Minho asked.

“Saint Peter,” Seungmin supplied helpfully.

“Yes, him,” Minho said cheerfully. “Well, he hasn’t met Innie yet. Once he does, I’m sure even he has to surrender.”

“The faith you have in us,” Seungmin muttered dryly.

“Some need to have,” Felix added with a giggle. 

“You know, some of us are having a touching moment here,” Hyunjin interrupted with a repressed smile, and the others slowly pulled away allowing Jeongin to step away and breathe deeply as he wiped the tears away. “We’re going to church in a few minutes, don't ruin it,” Hyunjin muttered fondly, a hand on Jeongin’s shoulder.

“Better get it out of the system now,” Minho quipped and Jeongin lost it, a giggle finally escaping.

“You’re all idiots,” Jeongin sighed, lifting his head and looking around at his friend. “But I love you.” He took Hyunjin’s hand, smiling as he willed the tears away. 

“Come on, let’s go,” Jeongin said, shoulders relaxing as peace settled in his chest.

oOo

Jeongin beamed at Doyun as he slowly made his way over to him, the pleasant feeling of the just-finished mass still hanging in the air, and greeted the priest with a bow. Hyunjin and Felix were hovering at his back, both looking a little nervous as the priest sized them up.

“Merry Christmas. How nice to see you, Jeongin,” Doyun said, a glint in his eyes as he noticed Hyunjin move a little closer to Jeongin. “I see you brought along your friends today. How nice,” he added, smiling at Felix who was watching him wearily. The others moved past them, nodding at Doyun before they escaped away and out of the doors and the many people lingering around to greet their friends. 

“This,” Jeongin said, reaching his hand out to pull Hyunjin to his side. “Is my boyfriend, Hyunjin,” Jeongin said, proudly. 

“Hello, Hyunjin,” Doyun greeted with a smile. “Jeongin has told me a lot about you. I hope to see you again,” he added, eyes flickering to Felix, “And everyone else of Jeongin’s friends, of course. He’s a delight to have in the church, and if you could persuade him to join the choir I'd be eternally grateful,” he added with a grin at Jeongin.

“In January,” Jeongin promised, slowly stepping aside so others could get to speak with Doyun. “And Merry Christmas,” he threw over his shoulder, followed by a muttered ‘ Merry Christmas ’ echoing from Felix and Hyunjin as they trailed after Jeongin. 

“See, I told you he was nice,” Jeongin said as he walked out of the church, shivering a little from the cold as he walked towards the others who were waiting, wrapped up tightly under the light from the church. 

“Didn’t seem too bad,” Hyunjin muttered reluctantly as they made their way down the steps to the street. 

“I kinda like him,” Felix said, eyes straying to where Jeongin was waving to the lesbian couple who was already making their way towards the bus. They exchanged a cheerful ‘ Merry Christmas ’ before they hurried home. “And everyone is nice,” he added, closing his jacket. 

“They are,” Jeongin said as they reached their friends. “What did you guys think?” He asked them, knowing it was the first time in a church for most of them.

“I liked the singing,” Minho said thoughtfully, stuffing his hands deeper into his pockets. “And Hyunjin is right, you truly have an amazing voice.”

“I liked the sermon,” Jisung said, eyes far away as he was thinking. “We all need to be kinder to each other and ourselves,” he muttered, leaning into Seungmin’s side. 

“I might come with you,” Felix said hesitantly as he leaned closer to Changbin, their hands joining together like magnets. “One day,” he added shyly, “When I'm ready.” 

“Just say the word,” Jeongin said, shivering a little. He smiled, his heart getting soft when he saw Seungmin and Minho both try to hide a yawn. As part of Jeongin’s early riser club, he knew they would normally be asleep at this time, especially since they all had plans to meet up tomorrow to exchange presents and have Felix’s Australian Christmas.

“Okay, home,” Chan said, looking around at all of them. “Come on,” he continued, driving them closer to the bus. “It’s late and some of you need to go to bed before they get grumpy in the morning.”

“I am never grumpy,” both Minho and Seungmin said simultaneously. 

“Sure,” was all Chan said and Jeongin laughed, taking Hyunjin’s arm and beginning to walk away. Behind them the others immediately began to complain loudly, dragging the curious attention of a few people around them.

“Hmm, I think this will be a good tradition, don’t you think?” Hyunjin asked, pulling Jeongin close to his side.

“Going to church on Christmas and making Chan’s life difficult the whole way back home?” Jeongin asked, looking over his shoulder at his friends. Jisung was laughing, Minho had somehow gotten Chan to carry him and Seungmin was driving Changbin crazy while Felix tried to calm his boyfriend down. 

“Exactly,” Hyunjin laughed, looking over his shoulder. “Seems like something we can do for years to come,” he added, eyes flickering to Jeongin’s.

“I think you're right,” Jeongin said, a last look at his friends before he rested his head against Hyunjin’s shoulder as they walked away. “I’d love that.”

oOo

Jeongin's eyes shot open, heart beating hard in his chest as he looked around the room half expecting everything to fall down around his ears. Panic flitted through his veins like fleeing ants and his ears were ringing.

It was a dream, just a dream, he repeated to himself as he looked to the side, Hyunjin’s angelic sleeping face resting on the spare pillow Jeongin had finally wrangled out of his closet. He breathed in deeply as he turned, looking at the man who owned his heart so fully, so completely.

Hyunjin wouldn’t leave him.

“I love you,” Jeongin whispered, the dream leaving an echoing trail of the pain Jeongin had been through when he got told that Hyunjin had ‘died’. He lifted his trembling hand, shy fingers moving a strand of hair away from Hyunjin’s face.

His lover grumbled a little in his sleep, pouting and muttering a few intelligible words before he pressed his head into his pillow sighing deeply. Jeongin couldn’t help but smile, his heart slowing down and the last dregs of his dream disappearing.

Hyunjin was here, in his bed, in his heart, in his soul. Hyunjin was alive.

Jeongin closed his eyes, happy he at least couldn’t recall the dream in detail, but he still knew what it had been about. His nightmare had always been about the same thing, the loss of Hyunjin and the fear of being found out, the fear of becoming a sinner.  

Jeongin thought back to earlier in the night when Hyunjin had held his hand through the entirety of midnight mass, looking confused as things progressed a little differently than they had done back in their old church. He had been afraid and hesitant the whole time, fear lingering in his eyes as he looked around. And yet, he had been there. He had been there because it mattered to Jeongin.

He opened his eyes, barely able to see Hyunjin in the dim light Jeongin stretched his hand out, cradling his lovers face as he leaned in, kissing his forehead gently, the sheets moving softly around them

“I won’t ever let anyone hurt you,” Jeongin said quietly, words hard with determination. “I won't ever let anyone take me from you and no one will ever take you from me,” he whispered into the dark, hoping God would hear his words.

“For better and for worse, I’ll love you till the day I die,” Jeongin promised, thumb stroking his lover's cheeks. “What is mine shall be yours, whatever joy I have will be shared and from this day forward I am yours and not even God will take me away from you,” he whispered, fingers drifting through Hyunjin’s hair. 

He was so beautiful, even in the dim light Jeongin could feel his heart swell, feeling almost too big for his chest. When Jeongin was with Hyunjin he was whole, complete, and perfect. Jeongin knew he would always miss his parents, they would always be a barely scabbed-over wound but he didn’t regret his choices, he couldn’t regret his choices. 

How could he ever regret anything that had given him Hyunjin?

If anything today had proved he had done the right thing, that all the chaos in the last few months had been worth it. All his friends who weren't believers had joined him in church, Felix who was so afraid to be chased out of another church had still joined him, and Hyunjin who was still hurting from the wounds his parents had inflicted on him in the name of their faith had still been with him… His parents wouldn’t even have done something similar.

When Jeongin invited them to be part of his new life, they had rejected him, thrown him away, and only allowed him back if he changed and if he became what they wanted. They said they loved him, and Jeongin did believe them… but he doubted their love was the same as his. 

They might love Jeongin, but his friends, their love was different because they loved Jeongin for who he was, who he would become, and not from biological obligation. They loved Jeongin for him, and nothing else. 

And he loved them for the exact same reasons. 

“Jeongin?” Hyunjin murmured, barely awake as he blinked at Jeongin, looking like a sleeping kitten as he stretched. “Why are you awake?” He added words barely audible as his eyes slipped shut again.  

“Shh,” Jeogin whispered back, opening his arms and allowing Hyunjin to come closer and warp around him. “Go back to sleep,” he added, Hyunjin already relaxing back to sleep in his arms, head pressed against Jeongin’s chest.

Jeongin rested his head against his lover's head, finally feeling at peace. Whatever life would throw their way they would survive. Together. 

oOo

Dear God,

I’ll watch over him forever.

I’ll guard him from evil and keep him close to my heart.

And when the day come, I beg of you to let him join me.

Let him enter your kingdom at my side, 

because our souls should never be divided

Please…

I love him

I love him so so much

oOo

Jeongin yawned, hiding his face in his hands when he walked out of his room. He blinked a little confused as he looked around his living room, not quite remembering there being this many decorations when he went to bed. 

“You two have been busy,” he said to Felix and Chan who were on the couch already nursing a hot chocolate, while Changbin was half asleep on the couch, a cup of coffee growing cold next to him. 

“I didn’t sleep,” Chan said with a shrug and Jeongin rolled his eyes as he moved over to the kitchen, intending to get himself some coffee. “And it’s not Christmas without decorations,” he added with a laugh when Jeongin cursed loudly. The source of his distress was none other than the coffee maker wrapped in tinsel. 

“Pretty sure this is a fire hazard,” Jeongin yelled back, though after some wrangling he did get his coffee and went in to sit on the floor. “When are the others going to be here?” He asked, hiding another yawn. 

“Soon,” Chan said with a shrug as Changbin began to snore softly. “Or as soon as Minho manages to chase Jisung out of bed. He texted me around 4 a.m. about something he’d seen on Youtube so I doubt he’s gotten a lot of sleep.”

“At least Hyunie is already here,” Felix said, nodding his head to Jeongin’s bedroom where the top of Hyunjin's hair was sticking out from under the covers. “I think he’d be the worst one to get up and be here on time.”

“Hmm, he’s not that difficult to wake up,” Jeongin muttered, looking to where his boyfriend was sleeping, his head disappearing deeper and deeper into Jeongin’s pillow. He really should thank God for making sure the bigger bed had been on sale when Jeongin moved in. They would have been screwed if Jeongin only had a single bed. 

“I think there is a big difference in how I wake up Hyunie, and how you do it,” Chan said with a smirk. Jeongin considered throwing his pillow at him, but in the end, he just shrugged. Chan wasn't completely off the mark. 

As Chan had predicted, it didn’t take long for the rest of the crew to turn up. Once Jisung arrived and planted himself on Changbin and scaring him awake, Jeongin went to get his boyfriend. To everyone's annoyance, Hyunjin came alive pretty easily after Jeongin had kissed him a few times. After a bit of yelling - mostly Minho complaining about being hungry - and some food, they were ready to unwrap their presents.

Jeongin cooed along with the rest of them when Felix got all teary eyes about the painting of him and Changbin that Hyunjin had made. Jeongin laughed when he got a gift card from a severely frazzled-looking Chan who apologized for not getting something better. 

“Here,” Jeongin said, vibrating as he handed Hyunjin his gift. Hyunjin smiled as he accepted it, frowning a bit when he felt how hard it was.

“What did you hide in it?” He asked, tearing the bright paper off and revealing the leather jacket from the second-hand store he had wanted so badly that Jeongin had offered to buy it. “Innie…” he said, unzipping the jacket and revealing a full set of expensive pencils. 

“I asked the store and they said these were the best,” Jeongin said, biting his lip as Hyunjin just stared at the pencils. “I have the receipt if you want something else instead,” he added when Hyunjin just kept staring at the pencils.

“Jeongin, do you even know what these cost?” Hyunjin asked, eyes wide as he turned to look at Jeongin.

“I kinda had to pay for them, so yeah,” Jeongin said with a wry smile. “And it was my money. I knew you’d never buy anything this expensive… but it’s your art. You deserve to have expensive things for it. To make special projects,” he continued, a little unsure. 

He looked at the others, worried he had somehow messed up, but got startled when he suddenly felt Hyunjin wrap his arms around him, almost tackling both of them to the floor as he hugged the life out of Jeongin. 

“I love them,” Hyunjin said, pressing Jeongin to his chest. “I've wanted them since forever but could never afford them, not even when I lived at home. My dad thought it was too much to spend on silly pencils,” he said as he planted a kiss on Jeongin’s cheek. “I love them, I love you, thank you so much.” 

“You’re welcome,” Jeongin said, cheeks getting a little flushed as Hyunjin helped him up again. He looked at his friends shyly before he muttered, “I love you,” back at his boyfriend. 

Hyunjin got another kiss when Jeongin opened his gift from him, a leather jacket almost matching the one Jeongin had just gotten Hyunjin but with a colorful painting of flowers on the back. Jeongin wanted to cry a little as he allowed his fingers to trail over the flowers, smiling as he recognized orchids - the same one blossoming right over his bed - hiding among the flowers. His heart did a little thump as he leaned over to hug Hyunjin. 

“I love it,” Jeongin said, as he stroked the soft leather. It smelled so much like Hyunjin that Jeongin felt like he was getting a hug as he tried it on. He didn’t wear it for too long, hurriedly taking it off and placing it so he could admire the flowers. 

He oohed and aahed as Seungmin got a diary from Hyunjin with the cutest little dog on the cover, and laughed his ass off when Jisung got Chan a gift card for a ‘free stress-relieving hug’ and Changbin a gift card for a ‘free babysitting’ - of what he did not specify, saying Changbin could probably find something he could watch - among a few other things he had found at the thrift store. For Hyunjin, Jisung had gotten the most cuddly blue sweater that Jeongin had ever seen and was already making evil plans to steal. After all, what was the point in a boyfriend if you couldn’t steal his clothing? 

Seungmin had gotten everyone something thoughtful and practical. Hyunjin admired his new paintbrush, while Jeongin appreciated the grow lights for his plants that Seungmin had given him. 

Minho was the last one to give gifts and baffled people by giving them the oddest things but Jeongin was very touched by the framed photo he got of him and Minho taking a selfie, placed neatly in a frame with homemade cat stickers of Minho’s cats.

Jeongin thought they were done and was slowly beginning to pick up random pieces of wrapping paper when Hyunjin pulled out a small package from under the couch. He looked around curiously as all the others got quiet, their attention settling on Jeongin.

“This is from all of us,” Hyunjin said carefully, handing the beautifully wrapped gift. “We kind of pooled what we had left to get it,” he added as Jeongin took the present slowly and began to unwrap the blue paper around it.

“What have you done?” He asked with a nervous smile, the way they were all watching him like he was about to break down made him a little uncomfortable. He blinked when the blue paper revealed a velvet jewelry box with a gold logo. With a last look at Hyunjin, he carefully opened the box, his breath catching.

Inside the box was a beautiful plain cross. 

Jeongin felt tears rise in his eyes as he picked up the cross, the silver cold to the touch, but warmed quickly in his hands. He looked at it, turning it over and over in his hands. It was completely bare, a typical Protestant cross, with no decorations or anything. It was bigger than his old crucifix and it was also a little heavier.

“Since you didn’t want your old cross we thought we’d give you a new one,” Chan said softly.

“A new cross for a new beginning,” Hyunjin added, hands coming up to wipe away the tears that were beginning to escape Jeongin's eyes. “You should only bear the crosses you’re meant to carry, right?” 

Jeongin cracked a small smile looking up at Hyunjin, clearly remembering their conversation in the thrift store. 

“Also you look weird without it,” Jisung said with a shrug, his hand coming out to comb through Jeongin’s hair. “I know you tried to hide the other one a lot but it kept poking out under your shirt. This one will be easier to hide, and the edges are all smooth so you can’t cut yourself on it,” Jisung added with a knowing smile.

Jeongin allowed his fingers to travel over the smooth edges, which were nothing like the sharp and pointed corners of the crucifix he had abandoned.

“We asked Felix and he said some people wear something similar to that when they’re protestant,” Seungmin tipped in, reaching over Jisung to touch his shoulder. “And well, it ain’t gold, but we bought it from the heart,” he added with a cheesy grin. 

“Thank you,” Jeongin whispered, pulling the cross over his head. It settled right over his heart, light and smoother than his crucifix ever had. “I-” he managed to stutter before he broke down, crying so hard his chest shook to the point of pain.

“Oh, Innie,” Hyunjin said, tears of his own appearing as he threw his arms around him and held him close. Jisung and Seungmin joined right away and it wasn’t long before all the others were wrapped up in the group hug, holding Jeongin close.

“I love you,” Jeongin sobbed, trying to hold on to all of them as he for once just allowed his feelings to run through him freely. “I love all of you,” he hiccuped, not caring that he was getting tears and snot all over Hyunjin’s t-shirt - which was actually Jeongin’s.

“And we love you, Jeongin,” Chan said, planting a big kiss on the top of Jeongin’s head. “Forever and always. You just can’t get rid of us,” he added, pulling giggles out of a few of them. Jeongin held on tigher, holding on to all of them, gratefulness and love filling his chest. 

oOo

Dear God

Thank you

Thank you for my friends

Thank you for love

Thank you for letting me be me

Thank you for leading me here

Thank you

oOo

Jeongin breathed deeply as he escaped into the kitchen, cheeks hurting from smiling too much. He leaned against the counter, closing his eyes as he breathed in the scent of home and food. In the living room, the others were talking loudly, stuffing their faces with food and just being their ordinary noisy selves. 

“You look at peace,” Jisung said gently as he settled into the space next to Jeongin. “It’s a good look on you,” he added with a grin, shoulder ever so softly bumping into Jeongin’s side.

“I'm happy,” Jeongin said, smile only getting bigger as he heard Changbin yell loudly as someone stole one of his prawns. “I'm so happy, and yet…”

“You’re so sad you want to cry,” Jisung added gently, his arm folding around Jeongin’s shoulder. “If it helps I think that’s normal. You’re supposed to feel conflicted when bad shit happens in your family. I suppose what you need to ask yourself is if you regret any of it.”

“Not a single,” Jeongin said firmly, eyes opening as he turned to look at Jisung. “I regret I didn't get to talk to my parents the way I wanted and I do perhaps regret leaving without a goodbye… But everything before. You, the others, and Hyunjin. I don’t regret that for a second.”

“Hmm, not even kneeing Hyunie in the balls?” Jisung asked, biting his lips as he tried not to laugh. “You know, they call you the nutcracker in the music and art department.”

“They don’t,” Jeongin said, looking at Jisung who only nodded at him, smile growing bigger. “They don’t,” he repeated, embarrassment filling him. “Please tell me they don’t.”

“You’re a university legend,” Jisung grinned as Jeongin groaned and his face in his hands. “It was epic though. And deserved,” he added a little more thoughtful as he leaned into Jeongin’s side a little more. “But I'm glad you found each other.”

“Hmm, me too,” Jeongin said as he looked out the door frame just watching his little chaotic family of friends battle over pieces of pork belly and prawns. “So, you and Seungmin, huh?”

“No comment,” Jeisung said, eyes suddenly falling to his shoes. “Though, when he is ready…I’m not going to say no.”

“Attaboy,” Jeongin said softly, patting Jisung’s thigh. “Don’t you have that silly pact that you’ll marry if you’re still single when you’re twenty-seven? With a little luck, you’ll make it before Chan manages to ask Minho out.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jisung muttered, rolling his eyes. He went quiet for a little while breathing in deeply like he was weighing his words. “I'm glad though,” he finally said, eyes on their friends. “You seem a lot happier now. Freer. It’s like you’re finally the person I always knew was in there is finally you… And I'm really happy to be your friend.”

“I'm happy to be your friend, too,” Jeongin said, resting his head on Jisung’s. “I'm glad to be friends with all of you… I just wish my parents could see what you see.” Jeongin’s heart hurt, a sadness he knew he had to get used to filling him.

“Well, maybe they will,” Jisung said, holding Jeongin a little tighter.

“If they won’t then that's their problem,” Jeongin sighed, shaking his head softly. “Which is very easy to say, but a little more difficult to believe. And they’re going to be the first hurdle. I'm sure there will be more hatred, more people who dislike me for being gay, more people who’ll call me a sinner, and well, God sure chose a challenge for me but he wouldn’t have done so if I wasn't up for the job.”

“Hyunjin is right,” Jisung said, a little amused. “You really are an amazing person. I don’t think a lot of people could be this calm.”

“When you face the pain of losing the one person who made life feel like living and got him back from the dead, you get your priorities straight,” Jeongin mumbled the memory of the sorrow he felt in his dream still lingering. “And what can I say? I'm not letting go of a single one of you. Even if I have to fight Saint Peter or whoever might be guarding the entry to heaven to get all of you with me,” he added a little amused. "I'll do it."

“If anyone can do it, it's you,” Jisung replied cheerfully, eyes flickering back to the living room. “You better go get your man, he’s looking at me like he’d like to yell at me for trying to steal you,” he laughed, untangling himself from Jeongin and went to the fridge. “I’ll bring the soda you came for to begin with,” he added with a gentle push at Jeongin.

Rolling his eyes Jeongin followed Jisung’s advice and dropped himself into Hyunjin’s lap, leaning into his boyfriend's arms.

“You okay?” Hyunjin asked, just a hint of worry in his eyes, and Jeongin’s heart once again felt a little too big for his ribcage. He looked around at his friends; at Changbin who was feeding a prawn to Felix, at Minho who was laughing as he stopped Chan from burning the meat, and at Seungmin who kept sending Jisung longing looks when he thought no one was looking.

“Yes,” Jeongin finally answered as he turned to look at Hyunjin, a truly genuine smile finally breaking free. “I'm perfect,” he said as he leaned in to plant a soft kiss and Hyunjin’s cheek, stealing his chopstick and a piece of pork belly from his plate. 

Hyunjin simply smiled, looking at Jeongin like he was his whole world.

He breathed in the smell of his own sheets and Hyunjin, the scent settling in his lungs. He felt tired and empty, the events of the day before lingering just out of reach. He didn’t want to wake up, but his consciousness was merciless as it pulled him to full awareness. He sighed, pressing his head into his pillow, willing his body to let him escape back to sleep, but it wouldn’t let him. After all, he had been getting up early his entire life and his body wasn’t allowing him to sleep in anymore. 

He could feel Hyunjin against him, a warm and familiar weight draped all over him. His lover’s arms were wrapped around his waist, clinging to him even in his sleep, his soft breaths fanning over Jeongin’s chest where Hyunjin’s head was resting, right over his heart, nose pressed to his sternum.

Jeongin opened his eyes, staring unseeing at the dark shapes of his plants in the dark. 

He still felt empty. And a bit cold.

He lifted a hand, letting it drift through Hyunjin’s soft hair. He breathed in deeply, holding the air in his lungs before letting it go in a rush.

So, he had to forgive his parents for not wanting him, then. He didn’t know what kind of comfort that thought could bring him, but at least he knew where he stood now.

Jeongin couldn’t hold back a bitter smile at the thought. He had been so naive to think his parents would actually accept him. Everyone had warned him, Hyunjin more than anyone else, but Jeongin hadn’t listened. He had foolishly thought that he knew his parents better than anyone else. It hurt him to know just how wrong he had been. 

He wondered what his parents would do now. He had already done them the favor of moving out, and with his scholarship, Jeongin just had to wait a little more than a year before he got his inheritance from his grandfather, and then… then he would be truly free. He would never even have to see them again. 

He supposed he was meant to regret it. To feel like all he had done had been in vain, but as he laid there, with Hyunjin by his side and eyes still sore from crying last night, he didn’t have any regrets. 

In the worst way possible, he managed to solve his problem; he didn’t have to lie anymore. 

Jeongin sighed again, pressing his head into the pillow as he closed his eyes. It really had been late when they got home, closer to midnight than he normally preferred to go to bed. Going by how little light was coming through the gaps in the curtains it couldn’t be later than 8 a.m.

Jeongin closed his eyes, basking in the warmth of his bed and the man next to him as he allowed his fingers to drift through Hyunjin’s hair over and over again.

He was happy he at least got to keep this.

oOo

“I could get used to waking up like this,” Hyunjin mumbled a while later, voice rough with sleep as he stretched with a loud yawn. His whole body moved up against Jeongin before he settled back, nuzzling into Jeongin’s chest and breathing deeply. “Your bed is so much better than mine,” he added with a sleepy pout.

“Because my bed isn’t just a mattress thrown on the floor,” Jeongin said, nails softly scratching his lover’s scalp, making Hyunjin hum as he slowly opened his eyes. He looked adorable as he glanced up at Jeongin with a smile. “And I don’t have paint on my sheets either,” Jeongin added, not stopping himself from planting a soft kiss on Hyunjin’s forehead.

“Your presence also makes your bed better, much better than any other bed in the whole world,” Hyunjin mumbled, eyes barely open as he looked up at Jeongin. 

“Hmm, your favorite body pillow?” Jeongin asked with a grin, though it still fell a little flat.

“Hmm, the best,” Hyunjin said, blinking his eyes a little more open. “How are you feeling?” He asked carefully, holding Jeongin a little tighter.

“Tired,” Jeongin said honestly. “My head kind of hurts, and I just feel…” He trailed off feeling unsure.

“Empty,” Hyunjin finished for him, planting a kiss on his chest. “I know the feeling. It sucks, but it does get better.”

“I'm also really angry,” Jeongin added, continuing to play with Hyunjin’s hair. “Downright furious, actually. Not just at my parents but at Father Kim as well. I’m sure he’s the one who planted the idea that I needed to be saved in their heads, and yet that doesn't make them innocent,” he breathed out deeply, blinking away the tears threatening to spill in the corners of his eyes. “My parents honestly thought of me converting, liking men, and not wanting to be exactly what they envisioned me to be, as being a flaw in need of correction. Me finally being me is the devil’s work in their eyes. They wanted to send me to some kind of-” Jeongin stopped himself, biting his lip.

“Conversion therapy,” Hyunjin finished for him sadly, holding him tighter. “That’s what it is, Jeongin, no matter the pretty words they used to cover it up. They wanted to send you away to a place where they’d torture you, brainwash you and change you, until you stop having any power over who you are.”

“It makes me feel sick, Hyunjin,” Jeongin confessed, blinking as tears tried to escape again. “It makes me feel, I don’t know, dirty. Unloved and uncared for in a way.”

“Some parental love isn’t as unconditional as it should be,” Hyunjin said, slinging his arm over Jeongin’s bare chest and hugging him close. 

“I must seem like such an idiot,” Jeongin sighed, kissing the top of Hyunjin’s head. “You all told me this would happen, and I couldn’t believe it. Seems like I was the dumb one.”

“No,” Hyunjin disagreed, pulling away so he could look Jeongin directly in the eyes. “You’re not dumb. You hoped. You honestly believed and hoped your parents weren't like that, Innie, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The timing was off, their suspicion was already too great, but don't for one second blame yourself for this,” he said, staring directly into Jeongin’s soul.

“I just wanted to have a normal conversation like adults,” Jeongin said, voice shaking as he met Hyunjin's eyes, seeing the love and care that was so painstakingly visible there. “I just wanted to stop lying.”

“And that’s fair, Jeongin. You were ready to talk. They weren’t. That has nothing to do with you,” Hyunjin said, leaning up so he could press a kiss to Jeongin’s forehead, like a blessing. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he repeated as he took Jeongin back into his arms, holding him so close that the pieces Jeongin feared would break off were kept in place, unable to crack under the heartbreak he was experiencing.

“I don't regret it,” Jeongin whispered into Hyunjin’s shoulder. “I don’t regret you,” he added firmly, something settling deep in his chest. He would get over this. Like everything else, Jeongin would get over this. He would grow and become a better and more aware person. If his parents couldn’t be proud of that, then that was on them. “I don't regret this,” Jeongin said, pulling Hyunjin closer. “I will never regret this,” he said, looking up so he could met Hyunjin’s beautiful eyes. 

“I love you,” Hyunjin blurted, eyes widening as he blinked at Jeongin, almost more shocked than Jeongin himself that the words had seemingly escaped him. “I mean… shit, that was too soon,” he stuttered looking so panicked that Jeongin couldn’t stop a giggle from the feeling in his chest.

“I love you, too,” Jeongin said, the words feeling light as he finally released them. “I have for years, actually.”

“I know,” Hyunjin said shyly, cheeks getting pink as he suddenly found the orchid roots above them utterly fascinating. “That time you were drunk you might have, kinda, sorta declared your undying love to me… and yesterday, I heard you tell your brothers over the phone,” Hyunjin’s eyes flickered down to Jeongin, hesitant and a little shy.

Jeongin's heart felt light.

“Well, I do sorta, kinda, absolutely love you,” Jeongin said with a smile, pressing a sweet and soft kiss on Hyunjin’s lips. “And I’m never ever letting anyone take what we have away from us. You’re stuck with me,” Jeongin promised, heart still sore, but fuller. 

Perhaps time would make the pain easier, but so far all Jeongin knew was that he wasn’t changing his mind. He had done the right thing, he had followed his own heart, his own God, and in the end, he knew he could sleep with few regrets. While it would take years to forgive his parents, he had his own life. His own family of friends, and a boyfriend - no, scratch that - a soulmate, who all loved him unconditionally. And he loved them all just as much.

“Good thing I never want to get rid of you, then,” Hyunjin muttered, eyes blinking slowly as he looked at Jeongin’s face. “I'm sorry. I wanted to give you a better first ‘I love you’. Create the perfect moment, and make sure to have actual snow this time around,” he sighed and Jeongin’s heart flopped in that besotted way only Hyunjin could make it.

“It was perfect,” Jeongin said, leaning in again. “Because it was with you it was perfect,” he muttered, words a caress on Hyunjin’s lips before he kissed him again. 

“So we agree to never get rid of each other?” Hyunjin smirked as they curled back together, like two pieces of a puzzle, fitting perfectly in each other’s arms and allowing the silent morning to just linger as they enjoyed each other’s closeness. 

“Hmm,” Jeongin agreed, hands back at playing with Hyunjin’s hair. “My bed always felt too big anyway,” he added with a tug at Hyunjin’s hair, making his boyfriend giggle into his embrace.

For a moment, Jeongin allowed the silence the fall between them, comfortable and familiar, in a way that Jeongin had never felt or interpreted as awkward. It existed, just like Jeongin and Hyunjin did, in its own natural form, neither pressing nor dull. Jeongin wished so deeply that nothing would change between the two of them, and that they would always be just like this, together and in love, there for each other and fitting together like God had created them for each other. 

Jeongin never wanted to grow tired of loving Hyunjin.

“I love you,” Hyunjin said after a while, words fragile as glass and as indestructible as a diamond. Jeongin smiled up at the ceiling, heart continuing to beat in his chest. “I love you so much, Jeongin, it's almost unbelievable how much I feel.”

“I love you too, Hyun,” Jeongin said quietly, the smile on his face growing until he was beaming at the ceiling, once more letting the relief of finally being able to say the truth rush through him. “I love you more than I have words to describe. But don’t worry, Hyun, I have my whole life to find them. One day I’ll tell you,” he said, saying his words like a vow in the quiet morning, knowing that it would be unbreakable. "One day, you'll know just how much I feel towards you." 

“Too fucking good to be true,” he vaguely heard Hyunjin mutter before they stopped talking and just laid there, none of them possessing the desire to move. 

“I still can’t believe you put a sock on Jesus,” Jeongin commented after a while, a carefree smile finally breaking through as Hyunjin laughed in his arms, looking up at the sock-covered crucifix and the poor Jesus who only had his feet free to judge them. 

oOo

Jeongin smiled weakly at Seungmin as he accepted the cup of coffee he was offering, the warmth of the cup immediately seeping into his cold and aching hands. It was cold outside, but Jeongin had a theory that the chilliness he felt on the inside wasn't caused by the winter weather.

Jeongin looked around their living room, a little bemused as half his friends were squeezed onto their two couches, the rest sitting on pillows on the floor while the table was covered in food. Apparently, no one wanted to arrive empty-handed and Seungmin was the only one foreseeing enough to have brought juice and coffee.

Jeongin was pretty sure he had never seen this many pastries in his life, but given both Changbin and Chan were on their fourth he was sure they would all be eaten in one way or another. 

Jeongin breathed in the scent of coffee, leaned into Hyunjin’s side, and closed his eyes just enjoying how noisy his friends were. It was an odd thing to treasure, but with the echo of the silence from his childhood home still ringing inside his head, there was something immensely comforting about Hyunjin and Jisung talking a mile a minute and Changbin yelling at Seungmin while he ate. 

Jeongin thought back to earlier when Felix had popped his head in around 10 a.m. to check up on him, eyes wide and filled with so much sadness that Jeongin had wanted to cry again. It hadn’t taken long for the others to show up, one after another and Jeongin was grateful. Grateful that they reminded him that he wasn’t alone. 

“Are we lulling you to sleep?” Chan asked kindly from his seat on the floor, brushing off crumbs from his fingers onto a napkin on the table.

“Nah,” Jeongin said, blinking his eyes open and taking a sip of the coffee he had been holding, the bitter taste nice and familiar. “I'm just enjoying the noise.”

“Noise we always have extra of,” Seungmin said, finally sitting down and relaxing. Jeongin placed down his cup, reaching out to make sure Seungmin got a pastry before someone stole all the good ones. “Thank you,” Seungmin said, biting into the crumbly pastry with a smile.

“So,” Jeongin started as everyone was finally sitting down. “I heard someone had plans for Christmas,” he said with a frail smile looking about the room. “I think mine just got canceled so I’m open to suggestions.”

“Jeongin-” Chan started to say, his eyes full of sadness and he looked at Jeongin. 

“Chan and I were planning to have an Australian Christmas since I’m not going home this year,” Felix interrupted before Chan could say much more. “You’re more than welcome to join. Changbin is going to be here because he is nice, and since it’s more of a date day for non-believers and I'm his forever date he’s obliged to be with me,” he continued while Changbin just watched him with an amused expression.

“Love you, forever date,” Changbin said, stealing a chocolate croissant from under Jisung’s fingers. 

“Hmm, you too, babe,” Felix said with a smooch in Changbin’s direction before he turned to look at the rest of them. “Minho is Chan’s date, and well, I assume Jisung is Minho’s date and Seungmin is Jisung’s, and just like that we have created a date garland.”

Chan choked on his food while Minho just smirked. Seungmin was the only one kind enough to pat him on the back to dislodge the food that had been on its way down the wrong pipe.

“Unless you all kill Chan before we get that far,” Seungmin pointed out dryly. “There will be no chain dating, but I'm sure we’ll all be there anyway. I assume we’ll need a few groceries?” He asked, already picking up his phone to start planning.

“Yes, we need to have enough prawns for lunch. I can’t really do an outdoor BBQ party, so an indoor electric one will have to do,” Felix muttered, switching to English quickly as he looked at Chan who nodded along red-faced but still breathing. “But we most likely will need an extra portable grill. We have one, Minho has one…”

“I’ll borrow my mother's,” Minho said, pulling out his phone to text. “And I’ll bring a few Korean dishes so we have a little of every tradition.”

“Innie, do you have anything you feel we should add?” Felix asked, turning to look at Jeongin with wide, imploring eyes. 

“No,” Jeongin said, thinking of the silent evening in praise, the end of the fast, and the feast they would have to celebrate the birth of Christ. All of it seemed tainted… and yet, a little holy. But it didn’t belong here, with the noise, the love, and the ruckus. “But I plan on going to midnight mass,” he said, resting his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder. 

“Fair,” Felix said, with a small smile. “Hyunjin, then,” Felix continued in his chase for Christmas traditions. Jeongin closed his eyes and tuned them out again, just allowing the noise to fill him. 

He sat there, eyes closed, for a while. It was only when he felt Hyunjin turn, a kiss landing on his forehead, that he opened his eyes, finding his boyfriend looking at him. 

“You’ll let me know if you need something, right?” Hyunjin said, the care and worry evident in his voice. Jeongin smiled at him, eyes flickering around the room and his heart feeling a little fuller.

“I just need you,” Jeongin replied, looking at his boyfriend hoping he could see the love in his eyes. “I just need all of you. And I just need things to be normal. To be noisy and chaotic and just like they usually are,” he breathed, eyes going to the picture above their TV. Two roses, blue and pink, entwined and perfectly matched.

“I just need to remember that nothing really changed,” he said, closing his eyes again. “That I am still me.” 

oOo

Later, when Jeongin went into his room, he looked up at his wall and caught sight of the crucifix on the wall. He had pulled the sock off the poor dude earlier, so now Jeongin was just stuck, staring at it. 

He remembered when he put it up, a few weeks after he started university and he learned that Felix needed a roommate. Freed from his unpleasant dorm - where he had had a roommate worse than Jisung’s - he had been ecstatic as he moved in. The crucifix over his head had felt like the last piece to make him feel at home.

Now it just felt like it didn’t belong.

Jeongin sighed as he took a few long steps over and plucked it off the wall with ease. He weighed it in his hand, the wood soft and the iron cold. He went to his closet, finding a box of other things from his home. He gently tucked it away along with a few framed family photos he couldn’t look at right now, and the stack of childhood books he had taken along with him.

Jeongin felt something finally clear up in the room as soon as the box closed. He looked around, wondering how different it looked from his room in Busan. The green plants, the blue curtains, and the many drawings Hyunjin had made stuck unceremoniously to the wall.  

Jeongin smiled as he got up the floor, giving his room one last look before he grabbed the cardigan he had been after from the beginning, as well as a blanket from his bed for Hyunjin before he left his room, heart a little calmer as he dropped back in his seat, putting the blanket over Hyunjin’s legs and looking around the noisy living room and his friends. 

It felt like home.

It felt like his.

Jeongin blinked, trying to return to the world of the living as he stuffed his laptop down into his bag. He wasn’t sure if his parents would be there to pick him up as he had chosen the last possible departure from Seoul, trying to make sure he had to be there as little as he possibly could. Just to avoid thinking of his imminent meeting with his parents, he had spent the whole time writing on his manuscript, which, under Hyunjin’s gentle encouragement, was slowly starting to take shape. 

Jeongin closed his bag and leaned back in his seat, pulled out his phone, and sent a quick text to Hyunjin telling him he was almost there. He stopped for a second before he sent an ‘I miss you’ along right after it. 

It was barely a second before Hyunjin replied and Jeongin sighed. He knew his boyfriend would wait until he got home before going to bed. Replying to Hyunjin, Jeongin quickly locked and turned off his phone as the train rolled into Busan Central. He knew it was dumb and that his parents didn’t even know the code to unlock it, but he still felt safer with the phone off. 

Jeongin pulled his bag on his shoulder and reached up to get the humble presents he had prepared for his family, wondering briefly if they would even accept them once he had spoken to them. He then followed the line of people getting off, not hurrying in the slightest.

When he stepped off the train it wasn’t hard to spot his father waiting for him on the platform. His build was so much like Jeongin’s it wasn't hard to miss, though Jeongin realized with an odd twist in his heart that he had outgrown his father a long time ago, being a half head taller than him as he came to a halt in front of him. He hadn’t noticed that before.

“You didn’t have to pick me up,” Jeongin said with a strained smile as he pretended to be happy to see his father. He was already tired of lying. “I could have gotten back home on my own,” he added, hating how even the word home seemed false.

“It’s late,” was all his father said, eyes so dark they were close to black looking at Jeongin with a mild annoyance. “Come,” he said, turning around to leave, barely waiting for Jeongin to follow him.

The trip to the parking lot was short and silent. Jeongin just followed his father like a duckling, putting his things silently in the trunk before sitting next to his father. 

“Phone,” his father said as Jeongin buckled in. He glanced up at him in disbelief but his father wasn’t looking at him. “You’ve been distracted. It hurts your mom. You should focus on your family while you’re here,” he said, taking Jeongin’s phone when he handed it to him, and put it in the pocket of his jacket.

Jeongin just squeezed the bag at his feet tighter, suddenly very happy that Minho had given him a spare phone. He was pretty sure Hyunjin would storm out of Seoul if he didn’t text as soon as he was back in his room. 

“I’d suggest you put on something a little more appropriate tomorrow,” His father said a short while later as they rolled out of the parking garage. “When you’re home, you should dress like a responsible adult.”

Jeongin looked down at his woolen coat and plain jeans. There were a few distressed details, but they were some of his most conservative-looking ones after Jisung had helped him get rid of all his boring clothing a few weeks ago. 

It seemed like Jeongin would be living in his church attire for the next few days, since that was the only clothes that would apparently please his father’s eyes.

“Of course,” Jeongin said, allowing the silence to fill the car. It was a good thing his father couldn’t see the paint-splattered shirt he was wearing underneath his jacket. It was one of Hyunjin’s and the fabric was so worn it had torn in several places, but to Jeongin it didn’t matter because it might have been one of the softest pieces of clothing Jeongin had ever felt against his skin. 

Jeongin turned to the crucifix hanging from his father's rear view mirror, a feeling of being out of place filling him. He reached into his jacket and pulled out his own crucifix, the edge digging into his skin as he grabbed it hard trying not to break. The weight was already feeling foreign around his neck and he hated it. He had hoped that putting on the rosary ring and the crucifix would have felt like comfort to him, but it didn’t. It wasn’t him. None of this was him.

The trip home was quiet, the traffic in Busan thankfully lighter due to the late hour, but it was still late when they finally parked in front of his parent’s apartment building. No words were exchanged and all Jeongin got when they entered their home was a quiet goodnight, before his father went to the master bedroom and left Jeongin alone one the hallways.

He breathed in deeply, taking in the scent of his home. The whiff of his mother’s perfume, the soap she used in the kitchen, the smell of food they had eaten earlier. It was so familiar and yet it had never felt more foreign. 

Jeongin looked into the living room, Jesus staring back at him from his many hideouts, just staring at him with empty eyes. 

Jeongin shivered, feeling like he was being watched and judged by every single dead eye in the room. 

Jeongin made sure his shoes were in their place, placed perfectly side by side with rest, before he slowly walked to his room, barely making a noise as he walked. When he entered his room, the door closing firmly behind him, his shoulders finally relaxed and he let out a deep breath.

The same feeling of unfamiliar familiarity hit him again, just worse this time. This had been his room, this had been his things. He recognized the cardigan on the chair, the pens and stationery on his table. But there were no books, no plants, and no cheap art prints on the walls - just empty shelves, bare windowsills, and white walls. 

The room felt more like a tomb. A forgotten relic left behind and abandoned. The child that had lived here a mere year and a half ago was no more. That child had been an egg, a whole world that Jeongin had torn apart as he was reborn. 

He looked to the crucifix above the bed, sighing a little when he thought of his own home, a reflection of this one. He had forgotten to take it down from his wall last night, too occupied with Hyunjin. When Jeongin had left his apartment in the late afternoon, he had spared the crucifix a glance and it had stared back at him, eyes empty and unseeing. Jeongin had felt cold then, but now he felt freezing.

He wished Hyunjin was here so he didn’t have to do this alone.

With Hyunjin by his side, there wasn’t anything Jeongin couldn’t do, but without him, Jeongin suddenly felt like he was standing on a frozen lake, waiting for the ice to give in under his weight.

The confidence from yesterday was gone, and now Jeongin didn’t know if he would be able to get a word out if his parents confronted him straight on. Which was why he had planned everything out, down to every word he was gonna say. He wanted them to see him, to stop the endless lies. He wanted to tell them the truth, even if the fear of being home had settled itself inside of him again, a feeling he hadn’t noticed had been gone before it was back.

Seoul felt like home. His friends felt like home. Hyunjin felt like home.

This didn’t feel like home at all.

He had barely arrived in Busan and somehow it felt like ages since he had been in his bed that morning, transfixed at how the pale morning light had made Hyunjin’s hair look platinum blond, and how Felix had teased him when he had seen Jeongin awake and reading a book while Hyunjin was out cold on his lap. Felix had made them breakfast, and lunch, and then Hyunjin and Jeongin had shared an early dinner together… and then they had bid each other goodbye.

His lips were still aching from the bruising kiss Hyunjin had given him just before he got on the train, not caring that people were looking or anything. 

Jeongin sighed, dropping his bag at the end of the bed. He would unpack in the morning when he had more energy. To begin with, he hung his jacket on his chair, shimmied out of his pants, and took off both the rosary ring and the crucifix. He hesitated when he took a hold of his shirt but ended up keeping it on. 

It still smelled of Hyunjin.

Jeongin sat on the bed and pulled his bag over to him, and took out the spare phone. He flickered it open, the scratched screen showing a picture of Minho’s three cats. He clicked a few times, barely hesitating before he pressed call.

The dial tone barely had to finish once.

“Innie?” Hyunjin said and even over the phone, he sounded like the angels singing. Jeongin knew the thought was a little blasphemous, but he was pretty sure God would forgive him. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Jeongin said, laying back on his bed and staring at his ceiling. “I just wanted to hear your voice,” he said with a smile. He could hear a duvet sigh in the background. “Did you end up staying like I asked you to?”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin admitted, a little reluctant. Jeongin smiled at the thought of Hyunjin in his bed, surrounded by Jeongin's sheets. The sheets they had been sleeping in together. 

Jeongin looked up at Jesus above him, hoping he was keeping his heart safe back in Seoul. It was the least he could do.

“Don’t make it sound like I'm forcing you,” Jeongin said, keeping his voice as quiet as he could. “I just wanted to keep you from worrying.” 

Hyunjin had looked like he was two seconds away from breaking down when Jeongin packed up his things, so he had ended up asking Hyunjin to stay. That way Jeongin knew that Felix was close by and that Hyunjin wouldn’t be all alone with his fears.  

“I know,” Hyunjin breathed, the sound of him moving about in the sheets drifting through the phone. Jeongin felt that tight feeling under his heart twinge again. He missed him. “And I am glad to be here. I think I would have gone crazy if I had to be in the studio alone. And Changbin is here as well. I think he worries more than the rest of us.”

“He does,” Jeongin agreed, breathing out deeply, hand on his heart. It was beating away under his palm. 

“I miss you. All of you,” Jeongin suddenly said. The room he was in felt so small, so desolate. It felt like it belonged to a stranger.

“I miss you, too,” Hyunjin said, voice soft and just a little sleepy. “We miss you,” he added, a smile in his voice. “It’s not the same when it’s just me and Jesus here. I had to put a sock over his head. He kept staring.”

“You put a sock over Jesus?” Jeongin laughed, something loosening a little in his chest. 

“It’s a clean sock,” Hyunjin objected with a giggle. “I wouldn’t put a dirty sock on your Jesus. But, yeah, when you’re not here, he just stares. I still think he’s upset about me showing him how worship is done the other day,” Hyunjin continued, a soft purr to his voice.

“Hmmm, I’ll take him down when I come home,” Jeongin said with a yawn. “So you can sleep in my bed whenever you want.”

“Careful, I might never leave,” Hyunjin said with a small grin, though it wasn’t hard to hear the true meaning in his words.

“Good,” Jeongin replied, settling into the bed and pulling the duvet over him. “Because I don’t ever want you to leave.”

On the other end of the line, Hyunjin drew in a sharp breath.

“Stay with me a little longer,” Jeongin said, closing his eyes as he breathed in. “Just a few minutes more. It’s too silent here.”

“Always,” Hyunjin said, a huff of a pillow traveling along with his words as he got comfortable. “I’ll always be here,” Hyunjin promised softly. After a moment of comfortable silence, the conversation picked up again. “Oh, I forgot to tell you, Changbin tried to draw with me today and you should have seen the pig he drew. It looked like a bunny,” he continued with a giggle.

Jeongin smiled, sighing into the dark as he allowed Hyunjin to fill the silence. 

oOo

Jeongin blinked, sleep dragging his eyelids down as he stared at his brother’s solid back in front of him. He remembered it being wider during the summer, so big Jeongin could hide behind his shadow, but now Jeongin seemed bigger, tall enough to look past his brother and into the church. 

He tried to hide a yawn, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. He didn’t really know why he thought he would get to sleep in on a Sunday, but he had had fickle hopes that arriving late in the evening meant his mother would let him join the late service - which Jeongin wouldn’t actually have participated in given he wasn't Catholic anymore - but to Jeongin’s displeasure his mother had forced him out of bed at ass o’clock in the morning, and ordered him to get ready for church.

The snide remarks about his tiredness being his own fault because of his late arrival weren’t as hidden as she had planned, and Jeongin had just eaten his breakfast silently, while his brothers kept sending him curious glances when he neither seemed remorseful nor apologetic. 

Not that Jeongin didn’t understand why, because had it been just a few months earlier, Jeongin would have been doing his very best to please them. During breakfast he had just pretended not to hear her, forcing the food down past the lump in his throat. 

In the church, Jeongin had dipped his fingers into the holy water, the cross falling in front of his chest easily and practiced. He took a deep breath, the smell of candle smoke and incense filling his chest. The church wasn't dark. The huge stained glass windows allowed a lot of light to stream into the nave of the church, but it didn’t have the same lightness and openness as his church back in Seoul. 

There were too many memories, too many ghosts lingering in the corners for this place to ever feel comfortable.

Jeongin tried not to sigh as he began to make his way toward the pew they usually occupied, however before he could get that far he was stopped by a firm grip on his shoulder by his mother. 

“Aren’t you going to confess?” His mother asked with sharp eyes. Jeongin looked at her, suddenly realizing the distrust in her eyes. She was looking at him like he was a stranger, anger and contempt lingering just out of sight. He swallowed, hoping she wouldn't push it. “Jeongin?” She asked again when he didn’t reply.

“I don’t need to confess,” he said truthfully, nerves tingling. This wasn’t how he wanted to have the conversation. Normally, she allowed him to go to the late service, normally she trusted him, normally she didn’t insist like this.

But now there was fear in her eyes.

“Even if you confessed in Seoul, it wouldn’t hurt to do it again,” she said with a tight smile, her hold tightening on his shoulder. Jeongin looked at the confessional, and the trail of people waiting for their turn. His father and little brother, Jeonghui, were already patiently standing in line, waiting for their turn. Only Jeonghwan had fallen behind, looking at Jeongin with pleading eyes, asking him silently to cooperate.

And it would be easy, to just go in there, rattle off a few things he had done wrong, take his penance, and be done with it. It would be easy to lie and pretend… but he couldn’t. Not in a church. He couldn't lie in the face of God, not anymore. 

“No,” Jeongin said, tugging his mother’s hand off. “I’m not confessing,” he said, turning around and walking away. He noticed how they had gathered a few curious looks, but Jeongin didn’t care. He just walked to the pews, sat down, and closed his eyes. He twisted his rosary ring round and round, finding none of the calm he had used to. 

All he found was a nauseating feeling, eyes burning into his back. He felt out of place here, like an outsider, which he was, but this was still the church where he had grown up. Everything he knew about himself had ties to this place. Comfort, love, and understanding had all been things he had experienced under this roof. However, hatred, anger, and betrayal were also things he had been taught under the lights streaming through the stained windows.

Jeongin felt conflicted. This used to be his home, this used to be where he belonged, where he had once felt like he belonged, but this was also the place that had forced him to become someone he wasn’t and would never be. This was the place that had brought him so much pain, but also so much joy.

This was where he first met Hyunjin, but it was also where Hyunjin was forcefully taken away from him. 

He didn’t open his eyes when his father and Jeonghui sat down next to him, and he didn't react to the soft questioning tug he got from his little brother either. When his mother and Jeonghwan joined them he kept his eyes closed, focused on praying. 

Praying for help. Praying for guidance. 

He kept his mind on the phone in his pocket, secret and hidden. The only lifeline back to Seoul he had. 

Jeongin didn’t open his eyes until the service began, and he couldn’t help but find it strange. It all felt so familiar, yet the tinge of foreignness didn’t go unnoticed. Jeongin followed the mass, followed the prayer, and spoke when he needed to but he felt oddly detached. 

When it was time for communion, Jeongin remained seated. He didn’t even twitch as his mother tugged at him. Ignored her hissed commands and kept staring straight ahead. She finally had to give up and walked up to Father Kim with the rest of the family. 

Jeongin knew he was in for it now, but he couldn’t take communion in a Catholic church without a confession, and since Jeongin wasn’t confessing he couldn’t partake. The only thing he had done wrong recently was lying to his parents, and he would repent that in his own ways when his time was due. 

Jeongin closed his eyes, wondering if Hyunjin was even awake yet. It had been really late once they had both been tired and on the brink of sleep. Jeongin wished he was here to hold his hand, to give him the strength he felt like he was lacking. He opened his eyes with a soft exhale and allowed his eyes to travel around the church, taking in his surroundings with nostalgia and melancholy. 

The cathedral wasn’t as old as it looked with its stone pillars, dark wood, and black metal candlestick. The light above them was electric, but it was hanging so high above that everything seemed a bit dim. While the stained glass windows stretched up tall, the December morning was bright enough to push through the colors making the whole church seem even dimmer.

His eyes traveled over the congregation, eyes hardening when his eyes landed on two familiar silhouettes. 

Hatred and rage filled him to the brim as he stared directly at Hyunjin’s parents. They didn’t sense him staring, didn’t even notice him, but Jeongin could feel the enmity blossom in his chest.

His family returned to the pews and Jeongin could feel his parents stare at him in anger, but he didn’t look away from Hyunjin’s parents. He allowed the rest of mass to wash over him, waiting patiently for the end, words of prayer leaving him automatically. 

Father Kim had just finished and asked all of them to go in peace when Jeongin got up. Others around him were also getting up, but Jeongin weaved between them easily, eyes only on the two people who had thrown away their only son. He could hear his mother call his name as he walked away, but he didn’t stop until he was in front of Hyunjin’s parents and caught their attention. 

“Oh, Jeongin, isn’t it?” Mrs. Hwang said, her kind and welcoming smile so much like Hyunjin as she looked up at Jeongin. “What brings you here?” She asked, curiously looking over Jeongin’s shoulder to where his parents were calling for him, looking more and more disappointed at his disobedience. 

“I know of your sins,” Jeongin said quietly, voice simmering with anger as he looked between the couple. 

He wanted them to pay for what they had done to Hyunjin. He wanted them to confess and try to repent for their unforgivable sins, but he didn’t believe in that kind of penance anymore. He believed and had faith that God would grant them a punishment worthy of their crimes. It was his own revengeful self that wanted them to know that he knew, that he knew what they had done to Hyunjin. He wanted them to know that it had been in vain. 

He wanted them to know Hyunjin was flourishing without them in his life.

 “I know God will never forgive it. He will never grant you permission to Heaven,” he said, eyes narrowing in on Mrs. Hwang. “I know your son will never forgive you,” he continued, watching as fear blossomed in Mrs. Hwang’s eyes. 

“W-what?” Mr Hwang stuttered until he met Jeongin’s eyes. Jeongin smiled cruelly, leaned in, and whispered so quietly that only Mrs. Hwang would hear him.

“He was happy when I left him yesterday,” Jeongin said, words soft and filled with all the love he felt for this horrid woman’s son. “He smiled at me and kissed my cheek, and when I get back, I’ll love him wholly and completely like you never could.” 

Mrs. Hwang took in a sharp breath, her eyes growing impossibly large as tears welled up in her eyes when Jeongin stepped away.

“Sinner.” Jeongin spat before he turned around to go face his own family. 

He didn’t look back when he heard Mrs. Hwang begin to cry, nor did he care about the looks he got from others, or the whispers he heard catch aflame around him. Jeongin had other things to worry about, his mother’s seething face being one of them.

oOo

Jeongin stared out the window and the cloudy skies, allowing his mother's harsh words to wash over him like rain. Jeongin was only half-listening to her accusations, his father silent next to her, watching him with ill-hidden contempt. He wondered if his brothers were still waiting outside, or if they had gotten a lift home from old Mr. Choi, and were already at home, waiting for Jeongin and his parents to return from this intervention.

“Jeongin, look at me when I talk!” His mother finally yelled, forcing him to turn his head and look at her with a wince. “Why didn’t you take communion?”

“Mom, could we please talk about this at home?” He asked, eyes flickering to Father Kim, still dressed in his purple advent robes, watching them with a calculating look. “I think this is a talk we need to have at home. Alone.” Which they would have been if his parents hadn’t dragged him with them to Father Kim, claiming he was weak of faith, giving the man no chance to change or do anything before he had to sit down with Jeongin and his parents. 

“Jeongin,” his father said, voice as hard and cold as a whip. Jeongin flinched involuntarily and cursed himself when his mother sent him a poisonous and tearful look. “Answer your mother.”

“What is it you can’t say in front of Father Kim, Jeongin?” His mother asked, those damn tears beginning to sneak out. “Why didn’t you confess? Why didn’t you receive communion? What have you done?”

“I just can’t confess,” Jeongin hissed, looking at his mother and father. “I beg of you, I was going to tell you, but could we please do this at home.”

“What have you done, Jeongin?” His mom said, tears finally breaking free. She was shaking all over, her arms trembling where she had them crossed over her middle. “What have you done that is so bad that you can’t accept the blessing of Christ and seek absolution?”

“I haven't done anything,” Jeongin said, pinching his brows. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. This wasn’t how he had planned this. He would have told them at home, away from the church, and it would have worked out. They were supposed to go home after mass and he would have sat them down and told them all this calmly and collected, and then they could’ve taken all the crying and blaming there. Without an audience. Without the church breathing him down his back. “And I can’t ask for absolution from a priest,” Jeongin sighed, the truth of that statement feeling utterly heavy.

“What do you mean? Jeongin, what kind of cult have you joined? What have you done-”

“Mom, I haven't done anything! Would you just listen to me?!” Jeongin exploded, turning in his seat to look at his mother’s shocked expression. “I keep telling you I haven’t done anything. I’m just as much a good Christian as I have always been. Just… I can’t confess because I'm not Catholic. I’ve converted,” he finally admitted, looking down at the damn rosary ring. He took it off and slipped it into his pocket. 

“What… Jeongin?” His mother whispered, eyes wide as she looked at Jeongin like he was a stranger. Even his father looked a little shocked, though Jeongin could still see the anger present in his eyes. 

“I converted, Mom,” Jeongin repeated, trying to be patient. “I can’t be Catholic. I don't want to. I don't believe in confession or penance or absolution. I believe in God’s divine forgiveness and nothing else. I don’t believe in him,” he pointed at Father Kim, “I don’t believe he can do anything to cleanse me from my sins. I don’t believe in the sacraments or the ceremonies. I’ve converted, and for the last two months, I’ve been going to a protestant church, and guess what, mom? I'm happy,” Jeongin confessed, words rushing out of him too fast.

This wasn't how he wanted to tell them. This wasn’t how he wanted this to go!

“Jeongin,” his mother repeated, seemingly shocked to the core. “What is this nonsense? Catholicism is the only right way of God. The only way you can get redemption for your sins. Jeongin, you can't do this. Who put this in your head?”

“No one put this in my head,” Jeongin snapped looking at his mother with annoyance. He knew she wasn’t going to take this change nicely, but he hadn’t expected her to start thinking Jeongin couldn’t think for himself. “This was my decision, mom. My choice.” 

“But, Jeongin, I don't understand? You were always such a good kid, what is this about? Now you don’t believe in God anymore?”

“Mom, I still believe in God. I just believe in Him in a different way. I have found a new way of being devout,” Jeongin looked at his mom in confusion. “It’s just Protestantism.” This was the mom who had taught him everything; From complicated equations, to how to peel a frog apart one muscle at a time, and she tried to pretend she didn’t know what Protestantism was. 

“Mrs. Yang, I think I better talk with Jeongin,” Father Kim said before his mother could say anymore. “It’s clear Jeongin is having a crisis in faith. As a priest, I think I will be more equipped to figure out what he has done.”

“I haven’t done anything,” Jeongin protested, only shutting up when his father gave him a look that made an echo of pain run down his back. 

“You’re done enough, Jeongin,” his father finally snapped, the first words he had spoken to him since before mass. “We will put our faith in you, Father Kim,” His father said, getting up and pulling his mother with him. “In the meantime, we will pray for Jeongin to return to the right path,” he finished with a hard look at Jeongin before they both left, leaving Jeongin alone with Father Kim.

“Jeongin, my child,” he said with a sigh, putting his hands in his lab as he looked at Jeongin with what was supposed to be a kind smile. “What has brought this on?” 

Jeongin just looked at him.

“What is his name?” Father Kim asked with a sigh when Jeongin refused to reply. “This isn’t the first time I have had children come to me saying they want to abandon their faith. The temptation of the flesh is devious, Jeongin, but all will be forgiven. If you repent wholeheartedly, God will accept you and absolve you of all sin.” 

Jeongin remained silent.

“Jeongin, I know this has to be about a man. I know you have that perversion and I know you,” Father Kim said, the kindness in his voice mocking Jeongin. “Who is he? A classmate? Someone you love?”

Jeongin turned to look out the window. 

He didn’t want this.

“I know, you think it is love, Jeongin, but it’s a lie. Whatever he is making you feel is a lie. Only true love can be found in the holy union between a man and a woman. Whatever he tells you, whatever you tell yourself, it isn’t right,” he said, leaning forward over his table. “Jeongin, the bible condemns homosexuality. It is forbidden. It is wrong and unholy, but it is not too late to return to the path of God-”

“The Bible also forbids the consumption of pork and clams, it condemns vanity and greed. It tells us to love others as ourselves, and ask us to sacrifice our kids to God as proof of our faith,” Jeongin said, finally turning to look at Father Kim. “And yet, we freely eat pork, clams are a delicacy, and no one is allowed to kill their kids in God’s name,” he continued, words hard. 

Father Kim quirked his eyebrows, looking unimpressed.

“I have not abandoned the path of God. I have found another, truer path which He has led me to by His own divine hand,” Jeongin said, voice quivering with anger. “My love isn’t a lie. It’s as true as any holy union.”

“Jeongin, you know that isn't-”

“You’re a liar and a sinner, Father Kim,” Jeongin said harshly. “I know what you did - I know what you approve of. The lies in this church. I'm sure there is more than one living boy in Seoul who I was told had died. Your words are false, and it is not me who should repent and reflect before God for his actions. It’s you.” 

Father Kim paled, looking at Jeongin in shock.

“Jeongin, you have no idea what you’re talking about,” the older man stuttered, fumbling for a little before he found his composure. “What you are doing is wrong. God will punish you for your blasphemy. To tell me you think you’re doing the right thing, that you suddenly know the intentions of God. You’re not feeling love, you’re feeling Lust. The depravity of the mortal flesh, Jeongin. You have to see the light of God,” he continued to rattle on, words getting harsher and harsher. 

“I have seen the light of God.” Jeongin interrupted. “Every time I look at my love, I see it. Every time he kisses me, I feel it,” Jeongin finished and turned his head away from Father Kim’s wrathful eyes.

Jeongin didn’t listen, he just kept staring out the window. 

He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home to his real family.

oOo

The silence was downright suffocating. Jeongin breathed in, counting his heartbeats to keep sane. It was so quiet, his mother praying the only whispers of a sound to be heard. His brothers were silent, and highly confused, as they sat in the other room, looking over their shoulders trying not to do anything.

Jeongin’s hand was on Minho’s old phone, the scratching surface of the cracked screen his only comfort and the only thing keeping him from exploding. His blazer felt uncomfortably tight and suffocating, while Jeongin himself felt on the verge of tears, trembling ever so slightly over his entire body. 

He didn’t know why he hadn’t expected this. It felt also idiotic at this point. Hadn’t his parents shown him several times how much they despised it when he tried to be his own person? Hadn’t his last visit here shown him that they would always put their faith above him and his well-being? Hadn’t his friends told him this would be a bad idea? Hadn’t Hyunjin told him this wouldn’t end out well?

Jeongin let out a trembling breath, his body seizing up with shivers. 

Jeongin’s father was in his study, where he had been since they had come home from church. Jeongin wished he could hear what was happening in there, but all he could hear was his father moving around, and his hushed voice every now and then. 

It had been like this for almost an hour; His mother praying with tears rolling down her cheek, his dad locked away in his study, and his brothers sending him fugitive looks every now and then. 

It was hell.

Father Kim had eventually had enough of talking to Jeongin’s deaf ears, and after a while he had called his parents in and talked to them for a while, leaving Jeongin to wander around the church, bidding his last goodbyes. He would probably only get back there if he was allowed to attend one of his brother’s weddings. 

Jeongin turned his head, looking at Jeonghwan who was frowning at his Bible, unmoving eyes staring at the words in front of him. Jeongin hadn’t even had the chance to meet Jeonghwan’s girlfriend. He wondered if she would accept him, if she was like Seojin who didn’t judge Jeongin, if she felt the actions of his love were a sin. It was wishful thinking since Jeongin didn’t even know if Jeonghwan would accept him. He hoped his brother would still see him as family, but he couldn’t be sure anymore, especially not with the way his parents had freaked out and claimed he had been tempted by the Devil.

Jeongin sighed, looking down to his chest where his crucifix was resting heavily over his heart. He reached up and held it, but dropped it quickly when the cold metal revealed itself to no longer possess the comfort and support it used to have. 

It was just a piece of metal now. 

His personal golden calf he had been worshiping in vain. 

The silence lasted for what could have been an eternity before the door to his father’s study finally clicked open and his father stepped out, a deep frown engraved on his face. He didn’t say anything, as he walked over to the table and sat down next to his mother and opposite Jeongin. 

He looked at Jeongin with dark eyes. The last time Jeongin had seen those eyes he had been bruised both on the inside and the outside, crying his heart out over the loss of Hyunjin and the pain the holy book had left on his body.

“I have spoken with a priest that Father Kim knows. He can’t speak with you right now, but once we are in the new year, he will do me a favor and make space at his place,” his father said and reached out, taking his wife’s hand. “We will contact the administration at your university and say you’re sick and will be recuperating here. Then we will transfer you to a university here in Busan.”

“What?” Jeongin asked, brows furrowed as he looked between his mother and his father. “Who am I talking with? I don't need to talk with anyone.”

“Jeongin, please,” his father said, voice pained. “I understand that we have failed you. We should never have allowed you to go to Seoul. We knew you were weak-willed and easy to tempt. We will take our responsibility in this. Please, we do not blame you for your… mishaps. Once you’ve been at this church, we will welcome you back home, and all will be forgotten, forgiven, and left in the past,” he said, firmly looking at his wife who looked back at him with teary eyes.

Jeongin’s heart hurt.

“And what is this ‘place’?” He asked, an odd feeling beginning to unfold in his stomach. “What exactly will I be doing there?”

“It’s a place for children like you,” His father said, voice shaking a little as he clung to his wife’s hand, the two of them desperately holding on to each other. “Father Kim recommended it. It’s a Catholic priest who has made it his duty to guide young people back on the right path after they have… been led astray. He is very kind, very accomplished and he was very sympathetic to our problem when I just spoke to him.”

“I'm not leaving Seoul,” Jeongin said, looking between his parents. “And I'm most certainly not going to some priest that wants to correct me. Dad, there is nothing wrong with me. I decided I had to worship God in another way, I haven’t abandoned God,” he added exasperated. “I could never.”

His parents just looked back at him with sad eyes.

“I don’t know what happened to you, Jeongin, if it was that foreigner or someone else, but this isn’t you. This isn’t my son,” his father said, voice getting a little hard. “You were always such a good kid. First, there was the fear of blood, and then it was that uncontrollable mourning of that boy you barely knew, and now you decided to be, what, a Protestant? Why, Jeongin, why? We’ve only ever given you a good home and a good upbringing and now you do this. There is no need for you to rebel like this.”

“I’m not rebelling,” Jeongin said, pushing back as he stared at his father. “I didn’t get hemophobia because it amuses me. I wish I didn’t have to feel sick every time I see blood. I wish I didn’t have to disappoint you by not being able to follow your plans. And don’t you dare talk about Hyunjin as if he is a nobody. He is so much more than that,” he added anger beginning to stir in his chest. 

“Don’t even get me started on your infatuation with that poor boy,” his father sneered, his palm hitting the table and making Jeongin jump in his chair. Fear slithered down his spine and he could feel his breathing speed up. “And don’t you lie to me. Your mother told me. She told me that you like men. It's wrong, Jeongin, and you need help!”

“I don’t ne-”

“Silence!” His father yelled, making Jeongin shudder. “You need help. We were too soft on you, we allowed you too many silly little ideas when you were younger. I told your mother we should have pushed you harder to be a doctor. We should have banned you from going to that city. Look at what you have become! You’re denouncing Christ and chasing men. Don’t you know you’ll burn in hell?”

“I won’t,” Jeongin defended himself weakly. He hated how his voice sounded fragile, how he still felt the need to quiver and bow in front of his father. He breathed in deep, hand pressed against the phone in his pocket. “I will be forgiven all my sins, and I am not denying God. I found Him. He led me back to Him again. If you would just listen to me you’d understand th-”

“I have listened enough!” His father said, getting up. The silence was deafening for a second, all eyes on Jeongin. “You will go to that church, you will be saved and healed, and you will come back as my son. God have mercy!”

“But I am your son,” Jeongin protested, voice quiet as he looked up at his parents. “I am the son you’ve always had. I am right here. I am me. I haven't changed.”

His parents didn't reply, just looked at him like he was a stranger. His mother was crying again, tears rolling thick and heavy down her cheeks. 

“I was always right here,” Jeongin said with wide eyes as it sank in. They would convert him back, brainwash him and turn him into what they wanted. Their love was only for their image of a son, not him. Hyunjin had been right all along. Jeongin’s parents were acting just like Hyunjin’s had. “Have any of you even read the bible? Have you?" Jeongin asked, voice trembling. “Or did you just sit down, and blindly accept a reading that had been around for a thousand years, because there is no way a human could ever fuck up their interpretation of God’s words!” Jeongin yelled, both his parents shocked at the sudden volume and his cursing.

“You’re so blinded by what Father Kim tells you, so blinded by what others will think that you won't even see me. I am right here! I was always right here, and I was always your son,” Jeongin said, voice shaking. “Sensitive, soft-hearted, frail, silly, and naive! I never changed, I never objected, and I tried to please you, and still, I wasn’t good enough,” he clenched his fist and stared his father directly in the eyes. “I am you son, and you’re not fucking changing that, no matter how many lunatic old men you send me to.”

“Jeongin.” His father said with a hint of fury to his words.

“Timendi causa est nescire,” Jeongin hissed at his mother, knowing she would understand. She was the one who forcefully taught him Latin after all. “‘Ignorance is the cause of fear’, Mom. You know that better than anyone, and yet you still want to send me away instead of understanding me?” 

“Jeongin,” his mother said, voice shaking. “It isn’t that we don’t understand, it's that you don't want to see what it is we’re doing,” she tried again, her words meant to be kind but sounded mocking. 

“But I do see what you're doing. They kill people in places like that, kill their spirits and suffocate their souls, and you will send me there, as a punishment for being gay, and converting, not from God, but from the Catholic church.”

“Jeongin, don’t you see we’re trying to help?” His mother pleaded, voice trembling with tears. “We want what's best for you. We tried to make you come home on your own, but you’ve been blinded. You need to come home, Jeongin.”

“I was home,” Jeongin said, looking down at her, his hands shaking as he got up. “This… this isn’t my home anymore.”

“Jeongin!” His father scolded but Jeongin wasn’t having it. He turned to look at his father, rising to his full height so he could look down at him. 

“You will not frighten me, you will not hurt me, and you will not save me,” he said, voice shaking as the anger won over the fear. “You will not cut me and change me. I am as God has made me, and changing me would be blasphemy. It would be defiling the work of God, and it would be a sin greater than anything I have ever done,” he said looking his father directly in the eyes.

“I am not coming back here and I am not going to any church,” Jeongin continued, pushed his chair away, and walked around the table to look down at his mom. “I am your son, and yet you have been blinded to the point where you can’t see my pain or my suffering. You’d rather I suffocate and suffer so you don’t have to change your mind,” he looked up at his father. “You get to decide if you want a son, or if you’d rather have me dead and gone.”

“Jeongin!” His mother sobbed, reaching for him but Jeongin stepped away. 

“You can ask the Hwangs,” Jeongin said, looking down at his mom again. “Their son isn’t dead. Just gay. They might be able to tell you how to lie. How to hide your fucking sins so people won’t judge, because that is what it’s about, isn’t it? You just don’t want anyone to judge you for having a sinful kid. Well, guess what, God will pass judgment anyway.”

The room was so quiet that Jeongin could hardly breathe.

“Kill me or accept me, father, that’s your only choice,” Jeongin said as he looked up at his father’s dark eyes. “I'm not changing. Not for you or anyone,” he said, turning on his heel and stomping out the room. 

He rushed to his own bedroom, closing and locking the door. He pulled out the phone with shaking hands, barely thinking as he punched the screen, the dial tone ringing through his ear only once before Hyunjin’s voice filled the void in his chest.

“Jeongin-”

“I have to get out,” Jeongin breathed, voice shaking as he put the phone on speaker and threw it on the bed. “I can’t stay here. Fuck,” he hissed as he got his bag from the floor, happy he never fully unpacked it. He pulled out the presents he had brought for his family, and put them on the desk before he began to throw random stuff into the bag; Photos he had left behind, the childhood plushies he would miss, and an old sweater he had stolen from his grandfather when he was still alive and Jeongin had been small enough to disappear into it completely. 

“Jeongin, what-”

“They wanted to send me away,” Jeongin said, anger in his voice as he dug out his favorite children's books and dumped them in there too. He found an old gym bag and began to fill that as well. He could hear yelling from the living room mingling with his brothers’ voices but he didn’t care. He needed to get out.

“I believed we could have a reasonable conversation, but apparently not,” Jeongin said, blindly emptying his closet into the gym bag. Who knew, he might need white shirts one day. “Because why act like a rational fucking adult when you can yell at your son, and send him to fucking priest for brainwashing. I can’t do this, Hyun, I can’t!” Jeongin sobbed, his tears making his vision blurry.

“Jeongin, where ar-”

“Forced me out of bed, got fucking uptight about me not confessing and participating in communion, and suddenly they’re dragging me in front Father Kim telling him I’ve lost myself and need to be saved,” Jeongin picked up all his shoes, forcing them into the bag and zipped it closed. “Fucking asshole tried to make it about me being gay and saving me from the lies of the Devil. He told me that what I wasn’t feeling wasn’t love. Like that old fuck knew what love was if it bit him in the fucking ass! I-” 

“Jeongin, please, I’m begging you!” Hyunjin finally yelled on the other line, voice tight with worry as he cut off Jeongin’s rant. “Where are you, and are you safe?”

“I’m in my room packing my stuff,” Jeongin took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “And I am safe. I just can’t stay here. I don’t know when I can get a train back, but-”

“We’re here,” Hyunjin said, relief evident in his voice. “He’s okay,” he said away from the phone before returning to Jeongin. “We’re downstairs. Waiting for the elevator.”

“What?” Jeongin stopped, looking out his window. “What do you mean you’re here?”

“We all feared it would go sideways so we thought we'd come and be here- No, Minho, we’re not here to spring him from jail. Jezz, no, we just wanted to be here in case things went wrong and well. I was worrying out my mind, so we all came here to-”

“Stalk you!” Seungmin yelled into the phone making Jeongin jump. 

“We’re not stalking him. We’re here to be moral support,” Chan’s voice floated over the phone. “And the elevator is here. How many can we fit?”

“Don’t come up,” Jeongin said, his heart filling up to the point it was too full. “Just stay down there and I’ll come to you,” he said, a weak smile breaking free on his face.

“He says we have to stay here - Jeongin, are you sure?” Hyunjin worried over the phone and Jeongin couldn’t hold back a small laugh. 

“I'm sure,” Jeongin said, picking up his bags. “I’ll be right down.”

“Can you… Can you stay on the line?” Hyunjin whispered. “I just want to make sure you get to me safely.”

“Of course,” Jeongin said with a soft smile, anger leaving his body as he collected the rest of his stuff and picked up the phone to turn off the speaker. “I'm right here,” he said, pulling open the door and stopping when he was suddenly face to face with Jeonghwan and Jeonghui.

“You’re leaving?” Jeonghwan asked, eyes on Jeongin’s bags. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, looking nervously at where his younger brother was watching him with guarded eyes. “I can’t stay when it’s like this. I can’t go to some church to be saved,” he said, the phone held in a tight grip. “I don’t need saving.”

“I know,” Jeonghwan said with a sad smile, reaching up to touch Jeongin’s shoulder. “Mom and dad are arguing in the bedroom.”

“Oh,” was all Jeongin said. 

“They should be at it for a little while,” Jeonghwan continued, squeezing Jeongin’s arm. “I’ll talk with them when they’ve cooled down a little.”

“You’re not mad at me?” Jeongin asked, eyes falling to the floor.

“Why would I be mad at you? You’re my brother. My blood. Religion doesn't change that… and neither does sexuality,” he said, voice firm as Jeongin lifted his head to look at him. “‘Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen,’” he said with a sad smile. 

“Also you’re just scaling down on religion, not becoming an atheist,” Jeonghui said from the side, with a toothy grin, handing Jeongin his phone. Jeongin took it with his free hand, looking puzzled at his younger brother. “Dad left it in his jacket pocket. I thought you were too hot-headed and angry to check, and I think you needed it for getting home.”

“Thanks,” Jeongin said honestly, eyes itching a little from his tears.

“I followed you on my secret Insta so if mom and dad completely lose their minds, you can still message me. I have a backup on my friend’s phone so he’ll have my back if it’s an emergency,” he added with a smile. 

“You have a secret Insta?” Jeonghwan asked, looking at their little brother. Jeongin couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow himself. 

“I'm sixteen. How else am I supposed to get to know my classmates? And don’t you start, Hwan, you used your own email address so you popped up as my first suggestion,” Jeonghui said with a smile that made their older brother blush. “I was lucky Jeongin’s friend has many followers so that’s how I found him. Your roommate likes sneaking pictures of you by the way,” he added with a grin. 

“He does,” Jeongin agreed, slowly relaxing. “They’re like extra brothers. My friends. They’ve been really great while I’ve been figuring all of this out.” 

“But, why?” Jeonghwan said, seemingly finally recovering from his shock. “Why convert, why change?”

“I'm gay,” Jeongin said, the word not hurting as much as it feared. “And I can’t live a life where my love is a sin, where I can't hold someone's hand, or be together with them. I know it won't be accepted, and I can’t live with confessing every time I fall in love.”

“But that won’t change,” his brother said voice not unkind, but curious. “The Protestants also see it as a sin.”

“Not everywhere. There is a part of the world where I can be married in a church, where I am welcomed. Even in Seoul, I found a church where I can be gay and Christian. I don’t have to choose and…” Jeongin breathed in, looking at his brothers. “I have a boyfriend,” he said carefully, watching as Jeonghwan looked at him with wide eyes while Jeonghui just smirked knowingly. 

“The blond one,” Jeonghui stated, wiggling his eyebrows. “The one who posted a picture of your hand the other day.”

“Yeah, Hyunjin… I- I love him,” he admitted with a smile, his heart full of adoration for the other. “And are you stalking me? You little menace,” Jeongin grinned, walking over to hug his little brother.

“I'm not stalking you… But I think he loves you too,” Jeonghui said with a smile. “I’d like to meet him.”

“So would I,” Jeonghwan said, reaching out to run his hand through Jeongin’s hair, something he hadn’t done in years. “And, I'm sorry. I was trying to help but I think I hurt you. I do see you, all of you,” he said, pulling Jeongin into a quick hug. “Now get out of here,” Jeonghwan sighed, eyes to the bedroom where his parents had seemingly calmed down. “I’ll talk with them…just, if they call, pick up the phone. Let them say they acknowledge their mistakes and let them say sorry. They do love you.”

“Dad keeps talking about you not being here,” Jeonghui added casually. “He really does miss you, even if this is like the most horrible way of saying it.”

“And if you need money you come to me,” Jeonghwan hurried to say. “I have the money from granddad and you can always pay me back. Just, don’t cut us out,” he rushed to say and Jeongin felt the tears in his eyes. “Please.”

“I love you,” Jeongin said, his eyes prickling with tears again, wrapping both of them up into a hug, bags and everything. “My friends are downstairs and ready to pick me up. I’ll write when I'm back in Seoul,” he said, pulling away as he began to make his way towards the door. 

“Your gifts are on the desk,” he added, voice shaking as he pulled away, the reality settling in slowly. “I’ll talk with you later.” 

“See you,” his older brother said, waving as Jeongin walked out the door. He didn’t look back, didn’t hope for his mother or father to come to stop him.

He walked out of their life, the few things he couldn’t live without slung over his shoulder.

The ride down took ages, Minho’s old phone in a weak grasp. He didn’t even know he was crying again until he stepped out of the elevator, looking up to meet his friend's sorrowful eyes. 

Hyunjin was there, smiling sadly as he held on to his phone, arms open.

 Jeongin just walked over to him, collapsing into his embrace.

He was finally home. 

oOo

Jeongin looked at the light from the sleeping cities as they flew past them. It was a familiar sight. A trip he had taken several times before and yet somehow this felt like the last. Memories from his preadolescence flickered through his head, as fast as the lights outside. Each and every one of them made him question his life and his childhood. 

It all felt like lies. 

Jeongin’s head quietly slid off the seat’s headrest and onto the ice-cold window. He was exhausted, every last bit of energy wrung out of him.

After they had picked Jeongin up at his parent's house, they dumped all of his bags at the station. Because of Christmas and the weekend, they hadn’t been able to get tickets back to Seoul until the evening so they spent the day just walking around.

It had been fun showing Busan off to his friends, Hyunjin at his side adding his own stories and memories to the mix as they walked around, finding somewhere to eat and rest. Apparently, the others had made very loose plans to stay at a hostel if Jeongin’s meeting with his family had gone well… as it hadn’t, all of them had decided it was best if they went home the same day. 

Jeongin hadn’t joined the discussion at that point, he had just clung to Hyunjin and Felix, trying to let his thoughts drift away from him. He would just be numb instead, smiling when he needed and trying to act normal. Pretend he wasn't breaking apart from the insides.

He felt dumb, like he should have known better, which he should have. He should have known his parents well enough to know they wouldn’t accept disobedience from him. He didn’t know why had allowed himself to be so naive, but then again, they had always been displeased with his nativity, and now it had indeed come around and hurt him. 

He had spent the rest of the day trying to ignore everything that had happened. 

He was once again reminded of how grateful he was for his friends. The others had been good at keeping Jeongin occupied and too busy to think. He had never been alone, he hadn’t needed anything, not even food or something to drink, all was given to him without him even noticing he needed it. Hyunjin had been holding on to him all day, barely leaving, and when he did need to leave, Felix had been there, his smile lighting up the dark corners of Jeongin’s heart until Hyunjin could return and tether him back to life. 

If he hadn’t had his friends, Jeongin was pretty sure he would have drifted away. 

The numbness had lasted until they were on the train, taking up two four-seat spaces. On any other day Jeongin would have cracked jokes and made fun of how they looked like a bunch of middle schoolers on a trip, but he just felt oddly empty. It was like he could feel his tightly knit composure unraveling, one string at a time, slowly, slowly, slowly…

The light of another unnamed city flickered past Jeongin’s eyes. 

“We can always go back,” Hyunjin said carefully as he held on to Jeongin like he was afraid he was going to float away. “Take the others with us again, and really show them the city,” he continued, voice a little too chipper to be real.

Jeongin could imagine him and Hyunjin showing off the city to the others, and it would be fun and the others would probably enjoy it a lot. But right now, Jeongin didn’t want to think about his hometown. 

“I didn’t get to tell them I’m changing my courses at university,” Jeongin said voice sounding oddly detached even to himself. “That was one of the reasons I was even going and I never got to tell them.”

“It’s okay,” Hyunjin said, pressing as close to Jeongin as he dared, considering they were in public and the older lady further down the aisle had already scowled at his pierced ears and bleached hair. “In the grand scheme of things, I don’t think it matters. And you can always tell them later,” he added with a squeeze at their entwined hands.

“I really thought we could talk like grown-up people,” Jeongin muttered, the thought echoing around his head endlessly. “But they didn’t even listen. I had it all planned, knew just what to say, and then… they just attacked.”

“People are sadly rather unreasonable when it comes to things like this,” Minho said with a sad smile opposite of Jeongin. He had been giving him worried looks for a while. “They’d rather see their own truth than listen to someone else’s.”

“I just changed church… That was all I wanted to talk about,” he said, staring out into the dark night, one more thread coming loose. “Just… they jumped right into me sinning and being gay. How? How could they not listen?” Jeongin said, reaching up to clutch his crucifix tightly in his fist. “I’ve done everything I could to please them, and the moment I begin trying to do something for myself they punish me like this. Why was I never enough for them?”

“Innie,” Hyunjin sighed softly, a soft trembling in his voice.

“You all warned me. You all said this was what would happen… Fuck, I was so dumb. I really thought they would treat me as… as their son,” he whispered, voice cracking as tears gathered in his eyes. “I thought they loved me enough to at least listen. I thought I was more important than religion,” he continued, tears slowly beginning to roll down his cheeks. He could feel how Hyunjin wanted to hold him, how Minho wanted to reach out and comfort him, but Jeongin couldn’t bear to look at them right now. He felt so stupid. “I thought they at least saw me as an adult. As a human… but all this time I was just a flaw to be fixed.”

“Innie, please,” Hyunjin said, his voice thick with repressed tears, his hands hesitating to reach for him. “Come on, let go of the crucifix before you cut yourself.”

 Jeongin looked down. He hadn’t even noticed how tightly he was clutching the cross. 

He pulled away from the window, angrily ripping it off and giving it to Hyunjin.

“Take this,” he said with an angry sneer, pushing the useless gold into his boyfriend’s hands. “I never want to see it again,” Jeongin said, turning so he was facing the window again. He breathed deeply, feeling himself slipping. He closed his eyes, just resting his forehead against the cold glass.

His heart was hurting. More than he expected it to. It felt like a chunk of him had been cut out, leaving a big gaping hole inside him. He shuddered, the pain becoming too much. Slowly the tears began to run down his cheeks, a sob tearing through him when his lungs grew too weak to hold it back. 

Hyunjin reached out, entwining their fingers once more, and allowed Jeongin to cry for all the things he lost. 

When Jeongin’s tears dried Hyunjin would be there to wipe them away. 

“You’re so mean when we play this,” Jisung muttered, leafing through his fake money and counting out what he owed Jeongin. “Here you go, boss, this week's protection money.”

“Ah, thank you,” Jeongin said, putting the money into his own wad of brightly colored cash. “I love the smell of other people’s money,” he said, fanning his face as he smirked at Chan and Felix who had been out of the game for a while. 

“Kill them with kindness,” Chan said with a roll of his eyes, munching on a bowl of chips. “Besides I can’t even be mad that I don’t have the talent to crush someone. It is a system meant to ruin others for your own benefit.”

“Chan, it’s a board game,” Changbin said with a smile, his hand comfortable on Felix’s thigh. “I get the parallels to modern society, but if we were all equipped with starting investment funds, I do think the world would look a lot different.” 

“It’s a learning experience,” Minho said, smirking as he clapped his own little wad of cash. “Behold the pitfalls of capitalism. And yet none of us learn… Hyunie, pay up, thank you very much.”

“And that’s it, I'm out,” Hyunjin sighed, leaning back. “How are you all so good at this game?” He sighed, not so subtly draping an arm over Jeongin’s shoulders. He was warm and familiar against Jeongin when he leaned into his personal space, his breath fanning over Jeongin’s throat from where he was resting his head on his shoulder. Hyunjin slowly allowed his hand to drift down Jeongin’s arm, and around his waist, his fingers tickling Jeongin’s side making him jump further into Hyunjin’s touch.

Hyunjin chuckled softly, his other hand making its way down to Jeongin’s leg, letting it rest against his inner thigh, gently stroking his thumb across the fabric of his jeans.

Jeongin shivered, trying to hide how it made him feel. He tried to rest his cheek on top of Hyunjin’s, focusing on the brush of his hair, but all Jeongin could think about was what they did together the day before… and this morning. 

Thank God and all His angels that Felix was a heavy sleeper. 

And poor Jesus… He got another show. 

“Minho knows us all too well, Changbin is like born into this so he knows money, Jeongin is a mob boss in disguise, and Seungmin studies political science, and I doubt any of us are even close to being as devious as they are,” Jisung explained, softly caressing his own tiny pile of cash. 

“I’m pretty sure a few of my fellow students are tax evaders,” Seungmin said with distaste, silently handing Jeongin some money as he landed on one of his properties. “I swear all they talked about after exams were over, was all the places they were going to spend their vacation. Apparently, everywhere but here, in this country, is the place to spend the holidays according to them,” he added with an eye roll, reaching a hand out to demand money from Minho who had been trying to sneak off Seungmin’s property without paying.

“Hmm, and Ji is a master cheater so unless you watch him constantly he will try and avoid paying rent, and before you know he’s won,” Minho said with a wink as Jisung who was very rightfully trying to flip some of the cards so he could read them. “It’s usually him and Innie battling it out at the end of the day.”

“You should have seen the poker tournament we did last year,” Chan sighed, shaking his head at the memory. “I'm pretty sure they owe a few of their first born to each other.” 

“I own the first two kids Jisung gets,” Jeongin corrected with a proud smile, and, because Jeongin was beginning to find it very difficult to concentrate, subtly put his hand on top of Hyunjin’s to stop him from practically groping the inside of his thigh. 

“And I own his right kidney and left knee cap,” Jisung quipped back, making Changbin curse as he quickly moved his properties before paying rent. “But to be fair, I also own Changbin’s pinky toes.” 

“Never play games with Jisung when you’re drunk,” Changbin said with a shake of his head. “And never ever bet that he can’t steal your wallet. He’s a fucking trickster.” 

“Even if he steals my wallet, then there isn’t really a lot to run off with,” Hyunjin said with a bitter smile. “Hell, you’ll be lucky if you get your Christmas presents in newspaper wrapping this year.”

“It's okay, Hyun,” Jeongin said, leaning closer against his boyfriend, smiling. “I’ll support you. You can be my trophy husband,” he added with a grin, laughing louder when Hyunjin tickled his sides. 

“You little,” Hyunjin said, mercilessly digging his fingers into the side of his boyfriend, missing how the rest of their friends gave each other knowing looks. 

“Never place a fucking bet when you’re drunk,” Changbin muttered, hiding his face in Felix’s neck so he didn’t have to watch Jisung pocket his newly earned money with a smirk. “Hyunjin, you could at least have tried to hide the hickey,” he muttered, looking at the purple bruise on his friend’s neck. Jeongin found Hyunjin’s eyes and the other just shrugged, continuing his tickle attack, drawing a loud squeal out of Jeongin.

It was then that the sound of Jeongin’s phone stopped the tickle fight. Jeongin pulled away from Hyunjin with a grin, fishing his phone out of his pocket, face falling when he saw the caller.

“I have to take this,” he said as he got up from the floor and walked towards Minho’s bedroom. 

“Hi,” Jeongin answered, still a little breathless from all the laughing. 

“What in the world are you doing?” His mom asked immediately, not even bothering to greet him. “You sound like you’ve been running,” she added with a hint of suspicion. 

“I’m at my friend’s house, and we were laughing about something,” Jeongin sighed, already feeling bad as he walked into Minho’s bedroom, plopping down on the bed, feeling endlessly heavy. “We’re just playing a board game,” he added, wincing at his mom’s sigh.

“Hopefully not one that promotes the devil,” she added, the sound of her stirring in a pot traveling over the phone. 

“Just ludo,” Jeongin lied, remembering it as one of the few games they had at home. “We’re just celebrating the end of exams yesterday,” he added, tugging carefully at Minho’s duvet. 

“Yes, you have been awfully busy,” his mom said, voice going a little tight. “So busy you don’t even have time to talk to your own mother,” she added with a small huff. Jeongin shivered, her disappointment feeling like the slash of a whip.

“Yeah, it was really difficult,” Jeongin said, closing his eyes. “But I think I did really well. I should get top marks on all of them,” he added, thinking of the papers he had handed in and the few written exams he had had at the beginning of the week. 

“Well, at least you focus on your studies,” his mother said, seeming a little pacified by Jeongin’s excuses. “When can we expect you home? If you finished yesterday you could have been home already tonight,” she continued, with a smile back in her voice. 

Jeongin wanted to curse.

“Yeah, I just have something to do tomorrow,” he said as he looked up, catching a movement at the door. Hyunjin stared at him, eyes wide and a little terrified as he hovered at the door, unsure whether he should enter or not. His hands were twitching nervously at his sides. It wasn’t hard to miss that he wanted to enter but wasn’t sure if his presence was welcome. Jeongin knew Hyunjin well enough to see that he was wondering if he was allowed to fit into this part of Jeongin’s life or if he was deemed to be an outsider.

Jeongin’s heart hurt. 

“I, erhm, I actually have some extra credit courses that I wanted to do over Christmas,” Jeongin said as he lifted his hand, reaching for Hyunjin. His boyfriend’s shoulders relaxed as he entered the bedroom, taking Jeongin’s hand and sitting down opposite him on the bed, barely breathing as he tried not to make a sound. “I don’t know if I can come home for Christmas this year,” he added, entwining his fingers with Hyunjin’s as he held on tightly.

Hyunjin gave him a weak smile.

“What!?” His mom yelled, her outrage making him wince again. Hyunjin held his hand tighter, moving just a little closer so he could put his free hand on Jeongin’s thigh, the heat of his palm seeping into him and claiming his heart instantly. 

“Yeah, I'm really sorry but now is the only time I’ll be able to take it and it’ll look really good later,” he continued, giving Hyunjin a small smile. “But I can celebrate Christmas with my friends, so I won’t be alone.”

“It’s not a matter of you being alone, Jeongin,” his mother hissed, voice tight with anger. “It’s a matter of you not being with your family. What is happening to you? First, you refuse to come home for good and transfer to Busan, and now you won’t even come home to celebrate the birth of Christ. Are you even fasting?” She asked harshly, voice so loud even Hyunjin picked up her words.

“Of course, mom,” Jeongin lied, thinking she wouldn’t like the amount of meat he and Hyunjin consumed together with Changbin and Felix yesterday for dinner. “I'm only eating vegetables and rice,” he added, ignoring the outraged look from Hyunjin.

“Does she want you to fast during exams?” Hyunjin whispered, looking shocked. “And who even fasts before Christmas in this day and age?” He added with a frown. 

Jeongin shook his head at him.

“And what about mass?” She asked, still sounding outraged. “Are you telling me your friends will walk you to that as well?” She added pointedly, the distaste about the company Jeongin was keeping clear in her voice. 

“No, Mom, I can take myself to midnight mass,” he sighed, knowing he would prefer the service Doyun would be holding here in Seoul over any mass held in Busan by Father Kim. “You and dad want me to be an engineer. All I can do is to make sure I become the very best. So you can be proud of me,” he added, closing his eyes when she scoffed at him.

“I would be prouder if I had a devout son who came home to see his mother,” She said coldly. “Your brother will soon be a successful lawyer, and he has plenty of time to come home. He even found a nice girl he is courting from church, Jeongin.”

“Jeonghwan has a girlfriend?” He asked surprised, eyes widening in shock. His brother hadn’t mentioned that at all. Not that they had spoken much the last month, but still, it seemed like something Jeongin should know.

Jeongin felt left outside again, this time from his actual family, the almost forgotten fear of isolation crawling under his skin.

The fear that this would be his life soon, that choosing himself would mean he lost his family stung more than before. It suddenly felt very real. He could suddenly see his brother living his whole life without Jeongin there.

“Yes, the Park’s oldest, Hwayoung,” his mom's voice brimming with pride. “She’s such a good child. She helps out at the Bible study group with your brother, and I must say, they make a perfect couple.” 

The ‘this could be you I was talking about’ wasn’t as lost on Jeongin as his mother seemed to think. 

“Your brother is such a gentleman picking her up and dropping her off every Sunday,” his mom sounded so happy. It was a tone she had never used when she was talking about Jeongin and even if he knew exactly why, it still stung. “And Hwayoung is so beautiful. You might not remember her too well, but she’s really grown up well. I swear, Jeongin, I think she is the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”

He raised his eyes, meeting Hyunjin’s beautiful eyes knowing she would never talk about Hyunjin like that. She would never mention Hyunjin as a thing of pride, or gush about how Jeongin had been so lucky when Hyunjin said he liked Jeongin back.

He supposed the thought should make him sad, that it should hurt, but it just made him mad. Because Hyunjin was everything, and Jeongin was so lucky he got to call him his. 

“I’ll see if I can come home,” Jeongin said, knowing he had to stop talking to his mother before he got really angry. She had always had an uncanny ability to pick up his hidden moods. “I have to go now.”

“You can’t even spare a little more time for your own mother?” she asked, pride and happiness evaporating out of her words. “And you’re coming home for Christmas. I’ll expect you home on Saturday.”

“I’ll see if I can make it,” Jeongin repeated, ignoring the silent anger he could feel on the other end of the phone. “Talk to you later, mom,” he said, barely listening to her goodbyes as he pulled the phone away, eyes on Hyunjin only. 

“I don't want you to go,” Hyunjin said immediately, voice tight with worry. “I don’t like what they do to you,” he added, slowly moving closer. 

“They won’t do anything to me,” Jeongin said, dropping the phone on the nightstand and falling back so he was staring at the ceiling. It didn’t take long for Hyunjin to crawl closer, slipping into Jeongin’s arms. He settled his head on Jeongin’s chest, hand bunching up Jeongin’s shirt as he held onto him tightly, almost like he was afraid Jeongin would drift away. 

“They hurt you,” Hyunjin said, holding onto Jeongin like he was something precious. “And they’ll hurt you even more if they figure out what we’ve done.” He sounded small, voice timid and afraid. Nothing like the suave and confident man Jeongin had become so used to.

“They won’t take me away from you,” Jeongin said, lifting his hand to drift his fingers through Hyunjin’s hair. “I'm yours. For better or for worse,” he said, heart running a mile a minute.

He knew he could stay here, to lie and deceive his parents. But there was a part of Jeongin that didn’t like that. A part of him that didn’t like the easy way out. He wanted to tell his parents about Hyunjin, he wanted to let them know he converted, he wanted them in his life. His new life.

“I’ve heard that before,” Hyunjin said quietly, clinging to Jeongin like he was the only thing keeping him afloat. “And every time it was a lie,” he said, trembling softly, voice choked with unspilled tears.

“Oh, Hyun,” Jeongin murmured, heart hurting for his lover as he turned so he could wrap Hyunjin up into his arms completely. “I wouldn’t lie to you,” Jeongin promised, closing his eyes when he felt Hyunjin’s tears soak into his shirt.

“Not on purpose, no,” Hyunjin whispered in a broken voice, his shoulders tense from keeping his sobs in. “But sometimes we do so anyway. I’m sure my parents meant it when they said they loved me… until they didn’t. And, Jeongin, I can’t lose you to that. I wouldn’t be able to live through it. I know I'm feeling too much considering we haven’t been a thing for long, but I can’t lose you. I can't let that horrid church take me away from you again. It’s taken too much away from me already.” 

“I won’t let it,” Jeongin said firmly, kissing the top of Hyunjin’s head, holding him impossibly close. “I found myself, and I found my religion and my God. I’m not going back to the dark. I don’t belong there. But I do belong with my family, to some extent.”

“But they won’t let you be with me,” Hyunjin said, nail digging into Jeongin’s back, his shoulders trembling from withheld emotion. “They’ll take you away from me, and hide you somewhere I can’t reach, somewhere I can’t save you. They’ll tell you it’s for your own best and they’ll try to ruin you. They’ll try to destroy you. Your father already hit you before, what says he won't do something worse this time?”

Jeongin breathed in deeply, the scent of Hyunjin filling his lungs. “He won’t hurt me,” Jeongin said with conviction, carefully stroking Hyunjin’s hair. “And I won’t be gone for more than a few days.”

“Don’t go,” Hyunjin pleaded, hands tightening in Jeongin’s shirt again. “I know why you feel like you have to, but don’t. Please don’t. You’ll spend the whole time there lying, and I know how that kills you,” he said, pulling away just enough for them to stare at each other. “I could see it in your eyes right now, how much you hated having to lie, how much you hate being lied to. Please, don’t lie to yourself for them, Jeongin.”

“You know me too well,” Jeongin said with a soft smile, pulling Hyunjin back into his arms. “And no, I don’t like lying. I wish I could take you back there as mine, show them all that I am the brother with the best-looking partner,” he laughed when Hyunjin pinched his side.

“You really just want me for my looks,” Hyunjin huffed, his voice still teary, faux offense filling his words. Adored by the sound, Jeongin kissed the top of his head.

“I want you for a bit more than that,” Jeongin said, just reveling in the heat of Hyunjin for a moment. “They’ll never take me from you. I won’t let them,” he said, pushing as much honestly into his words as he could. 

“Okay,” Hyunjin said, words careful and guarded. Jeongin frowned, feeling like there was something Hyunjin was hiding, but before he got to ask, some obnoxiously loud steps came their way.

“I was sent to see if everything was okay,” Jisung called from behind the door frame. “I hope everyone is dressed and decent.”

“I was talking with my mom,” Jeongin explained as Hyunjin and he detangled reluctantly. “And, yes, everyone is dressed,” Jeongin said, getting up from the bed so he could get to Jisung.

“You say that,” Jisung grinned as Jeongin stuck his head out the door, “But Hyunie’s been proudly showing off his hickey all day so we had to check,” he laughed, jumping back towards the living room when Jeongin tried to reach for him.

“We have to tell them,” Jeongin sighed, turning to look at Hyunjin who was watching him sadly from the bed. “I’m pretty sure they have a bet going on,” he added with a roll of his eyes.

Hyunjin stared back at him, eyes wide, looking scared and vulnerable. Jeongin sighed, chest feeling tight as Hyunjin just watched him like he expected Jeongin to disappear, for him to be a fickle figment of his imagination. 

Jeongin’s heart hurt on behalf of his boyfriend. He knew that he was the source of at least some of that pain, but Jeongin needed closure from his family; whether they could accept him as himself, or not. Before Hyunjin, he might have chosen to stay quiet, but with Hyunjin in life, as his precious love, he needed them to know who he was, who the real Jeongin had always been.

Jeongin didn’t want to be ashamed. Not of Hyunjin. 

“Can…Can I stay tonight?” Hyunjin asked carefully, eyes sad as they looked at Jeongin like he would vanish if his eyes strayed too far. “I know, I was just there last night, but-”

“You can stay with me as often as you want to,” Jeongin said without the smallest hint of hesitation. “I was already planning to ask you,” he added, walking over and pulling Hyunjin up from the bed, placing a soft kiss on his lips and intertwining their fingers. 

“I won’t leave you,” Jeongin promised Hyunjin, hoping the other man could hear the truth in his voice. 

“Don’t go home,” Hyunjin said, arms wrapping around Jeongin again. “Stay with me,” he added, holding on so tightly to Jeongin it almost hurt.

“I’ll think about it,” Jeongin said, hating how the words felt like a lie… because the truth was that he had already made up his mind. “I lo- I won’t let them take me from you. I won’t let them poison me anymore, Hyun,” he promised, holding on to Hyunjin just as tightly.

oOo

Dear God

Please give me strength

Guide me along the path you’ve paved for me

oOo

“I can’t believe you have the energy to draw right now,” Jeongin said, lying draped all over Hyunjin’s bed, wearing nothing but a sheet as he melted into the surprisingly comfortable mattress. 

The original plan had been to get Hyunjin a set of fresh clothing from his small studio apartment, but when Jeongin had sat down on the mattress, stretching his arms high above his head, Hyunjin had given him a look that Jeongin was quickly becoming very familiar with. Soon, Jeongin had been reduced to nothing but a moaning mess, fists buried in the sheets, while Hyunjin did his very worst with him.

Jeongin had tried to help Hyunjin out afterward, but his lover simply kissed him silly and breathless and left him on the bed, wrung out and sated, while Hyunjin himself had gotten busy setting up his easel and getting his pencils out. However, instead of actually painting something, Hyunjin had resorted to sketching him in one of his many books, the canvas left untouched. For now at least.

“What can I say?” Hyunjin said from his chair, wearing nothing but a pair of sweats. His shirt had been discarded rather quickly the moment their lips had met for the first time. “You inspire me,” he smirked, fingers already stained black by his charcoal.

“Am I one of your french girls?” Jeongin asked, a giggle escaping him when Hyunjin gave him a deadpan look because of the reference.

“No, Rose,” Hyunjin said with a roll of his eyes. “You’re my only one.”

“Hmm, romantic,” Jeongin said, looking down at himself. The sheet really was just covering the most indecent parts of him. “You sure you want a bunch of drawings of me half naked though?” He asked, looking back at Hyunjin who was sketching away, frowning in concentration. 

“Yes,” he said firmly, eyes darting up briefly and meeting Jeongin’s. “You have no idea how much time I have spent imagining you undressed. Now, I finally know how you look, so naturally, I need it on paper. All of it.”

“I'm not posing naked,” Jeongin protested, pulling the sheets higher up and drawing an unhappy noise out of Hyunjin. “I'm not!” He insisted, hating how his words seemed to hold no conviction. 

“I’m sure you can be persuaded,” Hyunjin said with a smile, taking in Jeongin’s appearance with a pleased expression. He returned to his drawings, biting down on his pencil, his lips resting ever so softly on the tip of it. Jeongin felt his cheeks go red as the image brought back memories, and he shivered as the corner of Hyunjin’s lips curled into a knowing smile. “Perhaps more easily than first assumed.”

“I am beginning to see why the church wants people to be married before they do this,” Jeongin muttered as he allowed his eyes to drift over Hyunjin’s inviting form. “It’s very addicting… and a terrible way for you to get your way.” 

Hyunjin snickered, his eyes briefly meeting Jeongin’s and caught him in the act of ogling Hyunjin’s bare chest.

Jeongin breathed out deeply, averting his eyes and allowed the sound of Hyunjin’s charcoal dragging over the paper, the odd sounds coming from the pipes, and the sound of the people upstairs to fill the room. It was peaceful in a way Jeongin rarely got to experience. He breathed in, the smell of oil paints and Hyunjin’s cologne filling his nose.

Jeongin could stay here forever at this moment. Just reveling in the soft feeling of his tired muscles and the pale light from outside. It didn’t matter if it was in the middle of the day. It didn’t matter if he had better things to do. All that mattered was the moments of serenity he got when he was together with Hyunjin, the short bursts of intense contentment. 

Jeongin wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.

This, Jeongin realized, was where he was meant to be, where he had always been meant to be. Apart, he and Hyunjin had suffered, but together they complimented each other in a way that just made so much sense. This feeling of togetherness, of rightness, was something Jeongin had been chasing his entire life, and now he had it, right here, right now. 

Jeongin was euphoric, absolutely enraptured by the divinity of Hyunjin.

Jeongin always wanted to feel like this, he realized. He wanted the world, God, and all His angels to know how thankful he was to have Hyunjin in his life. With Hyunjin by his side, there wasn’t anything Jeongin couldn’t do.

He truly was whole for the first time in his life.

 He looked at Hyunjin, hope blooming in his stomach, like butterflies escaping their cocoons. 

“I'm going to Busan,” Jeongin said with a soft smile on his face. “Tomorrow.”

In front of him, Hyunjin’s hand froze, the pen suspended over the paper. His eyes, wide with fear, were on Jeongin immediately. 

“And I’ll tell them that I’ve converted and that I have changed my courses to literature.”

Hyunjin didn’t say anything.

“I want to tell them about you, too,” Jeongin admitted, reaching an arm out in Hyunjin’s direction. 

“Don’t,” Hyunjin said, voice quivering as he put down the drawing he had been working on. He stood up and walked closer, hand grasping Jeongin’s outstretched one as he sank down onto the mattress. He left smoky strands of charcoal on Jeongin making Jeongin wish he could burn it into his skin as a way to keep Hyunjin a part of him forever. “Don’t tell them about me.”

“But I want to,” Jeongin said, allowing Hyunjin to play with his fingers. “I want them to know how you changed me… how you make me happy.”

“They won’t understand,” Hyunjin said with a pained smile. “Innie, you know what they told you. You know, how they see what we have as a sin. Christ, I just blew you less than half an hour ago. That’s a ticket directly to hell in their eyes.”

“‘Above everything, your lives shall be engraved with love, which is the best means to tie us together,’” Jeongin quoted with a smile, as he looked at Hyunjin. “There are a few passages that have been wrongfully used to indicate that homosexuality is a sin, but several verses about the beauty of love. It’s not a sin, Hyun, you’re not a sin. What we have is beautiful.”

“But they don't think that,” Hyunjin said, still playing with Jeongin’s fingers. “They will try to tell you it’s wrong. They'll poison your mind, tear you apart, and make you doubt and question yourself until there is nothing left in your head, but their truth.”

“Hyun,” Jeongin breathed, hand gripping onto Hyunjin’s fingers. “I won't let them hurt me. I’ll be there for a few days only… I have to do this. If they get angry, I’ll leave and I’ll come straight back here.”

“They won’t let you,” Hyunjin said with a hateful conviction that made Jeongin look at him confused. “They use the words of God to kill people. To enslave them in their hatred and when they die, they mourn them like God took the best thing from them… if they aren’t too ashamed to claim them as theirs.”

“Hyunjin,” Jeongin said, his heart hurting.

“I - I wanted to tell you this earlier. But I didn’t know how to. I have… an uncle… or, rather I had an uncle,” Hyunjin said, voice quiet. “I didn’t even know. I always thought it was just my mom and her sister, it turns out they had a brother,” Hyunjin continued, voice quivering with sorrow. “He was gay, like me. He came out, willingly, unlike me,” Hyunjin said with a bitter smile. “And my grandparents were so terrified they sent him to a priest and psychiatrist. They put him through so much pain, so much anguish and trauma, and in the end, he ended up hating himself so much that he killed himself.”

The apartment was deadly quiet. 

“The shame of having a brother who killed himself was so bad my mother moved away from Seoul. My grandmother died from a broken heart, and my grandfather grew into a sullen angry old man who hates everyone,” Hyunjin scoffed, anger clear in his voice, his fists clenched around Jeongin’s hands. “And then they buried him silently. They removed all pictures, all stories, everything about him. It’s like he was never here. They took away every single memory of him, ” Hyunjin said, anger bleeding into his words. His eyes were hard and watery, his hatred and rage taking up his entire being. Jeongin wanted to reach out and touch him, to give him comfort and hold him close. 

“He was just like me and they drove him to kill himself, and then threw him away like the horrid sinner they saw him as. A pervert. A stain on the family,” Hyunjin breathed out hard, hands trembling. Jeongin sat up, reaching out to pull Hyunjin into his arms, not caring if the sheets slipped off him.

Hyunjin had seen everything anyway.

“Hyun,” Jeongin said, burying his head in his lover’s neck. “I'm so sorry.”

“I only found out when my parents dragged me to Seoul. That was the reason my aunt didn’t want my mom to send me to a priest. Because she knew what they would do to me, she knew what their fucked up methods would entail. She didn’t want my mother to drive her only son to suicide. She didn't want to lose me like she’d lost her brother,” he said, fingers digging into Jeongin’s shoulders. 

“I won’t let them do that,” Jeongin promised, lips caressing Hyunjin’s warm skin with every word. “I won’t ever leave you like that.”

“My parents would rather have a dead son than a gay one,” Hyunjin said, tears dripping onto Jeongin’s shoulders. “And I know you won’t leave me. I know you’re special, like no one I’ve ever been with. I know you understand me and my upbringing in a way no one else will ever be able to… but that just makes it so much worse,” Hyunjin admitted, trembling in Jeongin’s arms.

“I can’t lose you, Innie. Not when I just found you,” Hyunjin breathed out shakingly. “I know you’re not like that. That you won’t just abandon us, but they poison you. They kill you. Just, stay here. Please. Stay where they can’t fuck with your mind.”

“I would love to, Hyun, but I have to talk to them one last time,” Jeongin said, breathing in the scent of Hyunjin. “However, I promise you, no matter what happens I will come back to you. This is my home. You’re my home. I just… I have to try. Just once, I have to try and let them see me.”

“And if they hate you?” Hyunjin asked harshly, his shoulders trembling in Jeongin’s arms. 

“Then I know,” Jeongin said, with a sigh and an ache in his heart. He hoped so deeply that his parents would see him and who he was, see who he could be without the shackles of dishonesty that had weighed him down for ages, and regret everything they had done to keep him repressed. He had hope, but he also knew it held the possibility of being unlikely. “And then I will come back here, and never see any of them again.” Even the thought alone pained him so bad he wanted to cry, but he knew what he had to do. If he didn’t get acceptance, at least he would have a goodbye, and an ending.

He would tell them their silence has not worked. That despite all they said and did, he was still stronger. That he was able to endure and become the person God had shaped him into. 

“I’m not the same I was before. I changed and evolved. I'm not their son anymore, Hyun, I'm my own person. I'm your person,” he added, pressing Hyunjin close before he pulled back so he could look at his lover, wiping away his tears. “But I have to try. Even if I fail.”

“You’re such a fucking nice person,” Hyunjin said, tears trickling down his cheeks, but he was smiling. It was frail and unsure, but it was a smile. “But you’re the one telling the others you’re going home, because I know Felix and Chan have already made plans for Christmas.”

“Of course, they have,” Jeongin sighed. “But, Hyun, I’m not letting them take me away from you,” he said, voice deadly serious. “I have already fought my faith once and I’m not turning back. I’m not a closeted Catholic boy, I’m a very gay Protestant with a very beautiful boyfriend,” he said loving how Hyunjin blushed.

“I know it’s a silly fear, but-”

“It's not silly,” Jeongin said immediately, lifting his hand to cradle Hyunjin’s cheeks. “It's your fear and it’s valid. And I need you to tell me if you get afraid. We made a promise, so you have to tell me if I hurt you.”

“Yeah, and you have to tell me if I get too much,” Hyunjin said, eyes flickering down so he didn't have to look at Jeongin’s eyes. “I know, I move too fast, feel too much…” he trailed off, biting his lips.

“No,” Jeongin said, shaking his head. “You’re not too fast or too much. You’re just perfect. I’ve been waiting for you since I was barely a teenager. Trust me, if it was going too fast I’d tell you,” he said, pushing Hyunjin back on the mattress. 

Hyunjin quirked an eyebrow at him but followed along willingly. 

“If I'm going back to Busan tomorrow I won’t see you for a few days,” Jeongin said. “So I need to get my fill of you before I leave,” he said with a glint in his eyes as he crawled over Hyunjin. “Besides, I seem to remember we agreed that I needed to try something.”

oOo

Jeongin side-eyed Hyunjin as he once again leaned his head too far to the left side, baring his neck in what must have been a slightly uncomfortable position, showing off not only one, but two red spots along his collarbones. His boyfriend had even been kind enough to put his hair up, flaunting his long graceful neck for everyone to see. 

Jeongin didn’t miss how Jisung was snickering at them. 

“Agimus tibi gratias…” Jeongin muttered under his breath as he closed his eyes, the Latin flowing easily from him. “Amen.” He muttered as he finished his prayer, opening his eyes to find Hyunjin looking at him with a soft look. 

“What?” Jeongin asked curiously, as he crumbled up his napkin and let Jisung snatch the last of his pizza.

“Nothing,” Hyunjin said, leaning in close. He had been extra clingy since they talked earlier. Jeongin didn’t really mind. He liked it when Hyunjin clung to him like a sticky weed. “I just like it when you pray in Latin. You look so calm.”

Jisung made a face and Jeongin threw his napkin at his head, hitting him between the eyes. 

“Well, that’s nice, because I don’t think it’s a habit I’ll ever get completely rid of,” Jeongin said, habitually leaning back and relaxing against Hyunjin. 

“Isn't it something you have to do?” Seungmin asked from his seat on the couch behind them. “Like, at every single meal?”

“Erhm,” Jeongin said, faltering a little awkwardly. “Yes,” he said finally, eyes flickering to Felix who was completely quiet. “I did, technically.”

“Hmm, seems bothersome,” was Seungmin’s only comment, and Jeongin rolled his eyes. 

“Not the most bothersome part,” Jisung said, eyes alight when he saw a chance to share his newfound knowledge on religion. “Jeongin has to confess his sins. And like not just the little ones. There's a whole list; No lying, no envy, and no solo flute playing, either,” he added with a wink.

“I think most people know masturbation is off the table when you’re Catholic, Ji,” Chan said with an amused smile. “It’s not really a secret.”

“But there is so much,” Jisung said, waving around his piece of pizza, Minho watching the flying food warily. “Jeongin, what did you even have to confess the last time you were in a church?” He asked, seeming genuinely curious.

“Ji, you can’t just ask him that,” Changbin chided, poking him with an abandoned crust. “That kind of shit is personal,” he added, giving Hyunjn a few fugitive looks. 

“I actually don’t confess anymore,” Jeongin said, breathing out. As it was, it wasn’t so bad to say out loud as he thought it would be. “I'm not Catholic anymore,” he continued looking up at his friends. “I converted. I'm a Protestant.”

It still felt a bit awkward though, he couldn’t run from that. 

“Oh,” Chan said when everyone went silent looking at Jeongin surprised. “That’s good?” He added more as a question. Jeongin felt Hyunjin intertwine their fingers at their side, leaning into him in an act of silent support.

“Yeah, it’s actually really good,” Joengin said, breathing out and smiling. “I’ve found a really good church. Somewhere where I'm welcome. A place where I can be myself.”

“But isn’t it still a problem that you’re gay?” Jisung asked carefully, eyes flickering to Felix who was very quiet. “Erhm, I just thought that was a deal-breaker with the whole of Christianity. And like I get that you say the Bible is mistranslated and misinterpreted, but they always seem to be very firm on that part regardless of branch.”

“Not in this church,” Jeogin said, sitting up straighter. “The priest there, Doyun, he knows I'm gay and it’s not a problem at all. There is this cute lesbian couple there who I talk to sometimes. And no one says anything.”

“Are you sure they’re not just ignoring you until you go away?” Felix asked darkly. “That is what they did in my church when they figured out I was bi. They just froze me out and pretended like I wasn’t there. Every goddamn time I was there. It’s their approach to queerness. Ignore it until it isn’t there anymore, or until the person gets shipped off to conversion therapy,” Felix added, anger and hurt clear in his voice. Changbin took his hand and moved it to his thigh and placed his hand on top of it, grounding him in the present.

Jeongin was relieved Felix had been given someone as kind and perceptive as Changbin.

“This church is different,” Jeongin insisted. “I’ve been going there since October. They even have a youth club for queer teens. It’s really nice, I promise. If any of you want to, I'll happily take you there,” Jeongin said, reaching forward to grasp Felix’s hand. “But don’t feel forced to go if you don’t want to,” Jeongin smiled softly at Felix, knowing and understanding the hurt his church had put him through. Jeongin had felt the same things, and even he knew he would never find comfort in his old religion.

“I wouldn’t give up on my old church to settle on something that hated me just as much,” Jeongin said, looking Felix directly in the eyes. “My love is not a sin and neither is yours. Only God can judge you, no one else,” he added with a smile. “And God would never punish you for choosing love for He is abounding in love, and I regret not having realized that earlier. God doesn’t wish us anything bad, He only wishes for us to be true to ourselves and to Him.”

“Sounds like you found a really nice place,” Seungmin said, his hand coming to rest on Jeongin’s shoulder as he settled back against the couch. “I’m glad you found it.”

“So am I,” Jeongin said, fully taking a hold of Hyunjin’s hand and placing it in his lap. “I might start singing in their choir after Christmas. I miss singing. It's one of the worst things my mom forbade me from doing,” he added with a sigh.

“I’d love to come and hear you sing then,” Chan said with a supportive smile. “Hyunjin keeps gushing about your singing and I would love to hear you sing. Perhaps somewhere with better acoustics than my kitchen.”

“When I'm back in training, sure,” Jeongin said, nodding, the thought of Chan hearing him sing for real making his stomach a little bubbly. “But that’s not the only thing,” Jeongin said as he looked down at Hyunjin’s hand in his lab. 

“Me and Hyunjin are going out,” Jeongin confessed, looking like he was daring anyone to object. “Seriously and very exclusively,” he added, hoping that would somehow attest that Hyunjin was the best thing that ever happened to Jeongin - the second being coming to Seoul and meeting Felix and Chan. 

“Are we supposed to be surprised?” Minho asked, lifting an eyebrow and giving Jeongin his best Cheshire smirk. 

“You’ve been a bit obvious,” Jisung added, pointing unashamedly to the bruises on Hyunjin’s neck. 

“Well, he’s the one wanting to keep it low profile,” Jeongin said pointing to Hyunjin who just blushed when all their friends made a perfectly synchronized ‘ Really? ’

“Just to begin with,” Hyunjin huffed, scowling. “We didn’t try to keep it a secret.”

“No, you really didn’t,” Jisung said with a wide grin. “You two have been pretty besotted with each other for a while.”

“When you know you know,” Jeongin said with a smile, looking at Hyunjin and enjoying how he looked flustered again. “I knew when I was thirteen.”

“Ah!” Changbin exclaimed, eyes lightening up as he pointed at Hyunjin. “You’re the first crush!”

“Yeah,” Jisung grinned, smirking at Jeongin. “The one who looked so beautiful bathed in the light from the stained glass windows.”

“I still stand by that,” Jeongin said, straightening his back and giving them all his best glare. “You haven’t seen Hyunjin in the light from a church. You’re all missing out.” 

“Hmm, at least you look fucking cute together,” Minho said, though his eyes were kind and warm. “Your pining was also getting a little much, Hyunie,” he said, followed by a hum of agreement for their friends.

“I wasn’t that bad,” Hyunjin was immediately shot down by a rain of protests. Jeongin couldn’t help but laugh as he put his arm around Hyunjin’s shoulder. Their friends continued to roast his boyfriend for a little while, which only made Hyunjin hug Jeongin closer and before long he hid his head in Jeongin’s neck.

“There is one last thing,” Jeongin said when things settled down again. “I know you all won’t like it… But I'm going to Busan tomorrow.”

The silence in the room was deafening. 

“Why, exactly?” Seungmin asked after a moment, voice pleasantly neutral in a way that meant he was disagreeing. 

“I need to face them,” Jeongin said with a deep breath. Hyunjin’s hold around him tightened as if he relied on Jeongin for strength. “I need to tell them who I am. That I’ve converted, and that I won’t become an engineer. I can’t keep lying. If I don’t say something, then in the most probable case I’ll suddenly find myself transferred by the kind help of my father. To be quite honest I'm surprised they haven’t forcefully transferred me by now.”

“The university wouldn’t let them without your consent,” Chan said, frowning deeply. “So you don’t have to go back. You can just stay here.”

“What they don't know, they can’t hurt you with,” Jisung muttered looking about ready to murder someone. “They hurt you, Jeongin. You can't just go back. They’ll fuck with your head,” Jeongin didn’t miss the way Jisung’s eyes flickered to Hyunjin for a second. 

“They won’t,” Jeongin said, voice set with resolution. “I’m not letting them fuck with my head… I just need to know, okay? I need to know if they want to cut me out. I want the pain so I can deal with it. I don't deal well with the unknown.”

“You don’t have to do it now,” Felix said kindly. “My parents don't know that I have no plans to return to Australia. They don't know exactly how important Binnie is to me, because they’ll never understand… not yet at least.” 

“But they might accept you eventually. Hopefully,” Jeongin said, looking down at his and Hyunjin’s hands. They fit perfectly together. “I want to know if my parents can accept me. And if I have to cut them out, because they can't accept me, I want to do it now. I want to know if I need a job next semester. I need to know if I have to find somewhere else to live. I need to do this.”

“But do you have to do it now?” Changbin asked, voice kind even if his frown was deadly. “You can’t blame us for not trusting the people who royally fucked you up in the head for years. They ruined you. Shit, Innie, the fact you can even hold on to Hyunjin like that is a fucking miracle. You converted, you found peace. Don't let them ruin it.”

“I need to know what I can forgive my parents for,” Jeongin said. “I need to know if I should forgive them for fucking me up… or for rather having a miserable son than a gay one,” he added holding on to Hyujin tightly.

“You don't have to forgive them, though,” Seungmin said, voice tight as both Chan and Jisung nodded along in agreement. 

“But I do,” Jeongin insisted. “If I can't forgive them, how can I expect forgiveness from others?” He turned his eyes to Hyunjin. “If I hadn't forgiven all of you - if you hadn’t forgiven me - would we have what we have now?” He asked, turning his head so he could look up at Seungmin. 

“You’re too good of a person,” Hyunjin sighed into Jeongin's shoulder. 

“Christian values,” Jisung muttered, shaking his head. “Admirable, but wack.”

“It’s not wack,” Jeongin said, thumb stroking Hyunjin’s fingers. “And you all act like I won't come back. I… I just need to do this. To tear off the band-aid. I can’t keep lying and dodging my mother’s call. She’s my mother. I love her. And sure, she’s was shit about me being gay but that wasn’t all of my upbringings.”

“You’re a fucking saint,” Changbin muttered, rubbing his face with his palm. “And I can’t even say anything because you forgave me for being an ass even if I didn't deserve it.”

“You know they might get really angry, right?” Felix asked, voice careful and calculated. “They might yell and… they might hit you again. If your father hit you with the Bible once, or like several times, who says he won't do the same again?”

“Then I’ll leave,” Jeongin said simply. It wasn’t that he didn’t know this might be ugly. But he just couldn’t lie. He couldn't grow as the person he was now if he saw his family as a shackle around his feet. 

Jeongin had plenty of crosses to bear, he didn’t need more.

“If I don’t go to Busan, they’ll come here,” he finally said, looking around at his friends. The love he saw looking back at him made him warm on the inside. “I'm out of patience. I could hear it in my mother's voice. And I’d rather be able to go back to her than have them try and drag me back with guilt and shame.”

“They can try and take you from me,” Hyunjin said, letting go of Jeongin’s hand so he could wrap his long and strong arms around Jeongin, locking him in place at his side. “I won’t let them.”

“Hyun,” Jeongin said with a small smile, kissing the side of his lover’s face. “They can’t have what isn’t theirs.”

Minho suddenly got up from the floor and left. He hadn’t said a word when Jeongin had announced that he was going back to Busan. He had just observed Jeongin quietly from the corner, his fingers drumming on his knee. They all stared after him in shock, looking confused when he came back a bit later handing Jeongin an old beat-up phone. 

“This is my old phone. There’s a pre-paid sim in it. It has everyone’s number encoded into it and I’ll make sure we all have the number to that phone. You hide that in your bag, or on your person, and you never let it go,” Minho said, eyes digging into Jeongin’s soul. “If they just look at you weird, you call one of us.”

Jeongin just looked at his friend in surprise.

“We’re not going to change your mind, right?” Minho asked with a lifted eyebrow.

“No,” Jeongin replied truthfully. He had made up his mind a long time ago. 

“Hmm, well, if not even Hyunie’s teary eyes can change your mind then none of us stand a chance,” Minho breathed out, shoulders falling. “Then at least we can make sure you can get in contact with us again. They took your phone last time, I'm sure this time won’t be different.” 

“Thanks,” Jeongin said, gratefully taking the phone and slipping it into his pocket. 

“And here's a charger. Don’t forget it this time,” Minho chided gently, dropping said charger into Jeongin’s lap before reaching out to mess with his hair. “Now, I expect Chan, Felix and Hyunjin will drop you off at the station tomorrow, so tell them when you're going, and I’ll count on them to make sure you remember everything.”

He looked around the room and the mess of pizza boxes with a stern look. 

“Bin, Ji, and Seung,” Minho called as he walked toward the kitchen. “You come and help me out, the rest is on clean-up duty here.” 

Jeongin expected Changbin to complain about having to help in the kitchen, but surprisingly the other man just detangled himself from his boyfriend and got up. 

Jisung and Seungmin followed shortly after having collected the few slices of leftover pizza to stuff in the fridge for someone to steal later. Jeongin frowned, turning in Hyunjin’s arms so he could look at his boyfriend.

“I'm missing something, aren’t I?” He asked, frowning when Hyunjin just looked back at him innocently. “Changbin is never that agreeable.”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Hyunjin said with a small smile, leaning in and kissing Jeongin in a way that was terribly distracting. “If I were you, I’d be more concerned about having to be away from me until the twenty-seventh.”

“I already told you, I’d try and go back on the twenty-sixth,” Jeongin said, kissing the top of Hyunjin’s head as he got up to help Felix and Chan, who were sending them small smiles while they gathered up the mess of oil-stained cardboard. “And don’t you look at me like that, Chan, or I'll start asking you when you’re going to take Minho out,” he added with a sharp look at Chan who just stared back at him with wide eyes.

“I… It's not like that,” he stammered looking at Felix who just gave him an unimpressed eyebrow lift. “It’s not!” He defended himself, eyes straying to the kitchen where they could hear the other four talk quietly.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Hyunjin said, as he, too, got up, clapping Chan on the shoulder. Jeongin snickered at Chan’s expression and hurried to help Felix carry the cardboard to the door so they could take them down to the dumpster. 

He tried his best to quell the foreboding feeling that was lingering in the back of his head.

In front of him, Seojin was watching him with an amused expression, carefully spooning the last bits of ice cream. Jeongin smiled to himself as he looked down at his empty glass. His friendship with Seojin had been a bit funny. At first, their texts had been cautious and halting, more awkward than anything else, but soon their odd compatibility struck through and they settled into a new friendship. 

Sure, Seojin still looked at Jeongin with a bit of sadness of an unrequited crush and Jeongin still caught himself falling into bad habits when he had talked with her a little too long, but they were both growing and getting better.  

In the end, he was happy to be her friend. 

“So, is it as good as you were led to believe?” He asked with a smile. The café they were at was a place Seojin had really wanted to visit, but she didn’t want to go alone, and none of her friends wanted to go there. So, Jeongin did what any other newly appointed friend would do and told her he would go with her. 

“It’s amazing,” she said with a bright smile. “Look, I already got several likes on Instagram,” she said, turning her phone to showcase a photo of her ice cream from before she had dug into it. Jeongin looked at it curiously. 

“Is it difficult getting an account?” Jeongin asked, feeling a little shy. He had never really had any kind of social media - hadn’t been allowed to by his parents - but the idea of sharing his plants and food seemed kind of nice. He knew Felix and Hyunjin both had accounts to post their dancing and art respectively, so perhaps he could follow them.

“No, it’s super easy,” Seojin said, lighting up with the idea of her being able to repay Jeongin’s kindness. It didn’t take long before she had helped Jeongin set up an account, both of them cooing over cat reels. 

“I really want a cat,” Seojin sighed with a pout. “But my mom won’t let me.”

“My friend has three cats that live with his parents. He goes to visit them every weekend,” Jeongin smiled, finding the picture of Minho’s cats he had saved on his phone to show Seojin. “Hyun… My boyfriend really wants a dog,” he said, the fact that he got to call Hyunjin his boyfriend still sending a thrill through him.

“He really must be something,” Seojin said with a small smile as she looked at Jeongin. “You seem really happy lately.”

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, eyes returning to his phone. “I like him a lot,” he admitted, looking up at Seojin. “But if you ever need it, I’ll come to pick you up every Friday so Hangyeol doesn't get ideas,” he added with a grin.

“He was so happy you left,” Seojin confessed with a huff. “Thankfully, Jiwon has started walking with me to the bus, so Hangyeol doesn’t have an excuse to invite me out. She’s actually really sweet.”

“You can always take her out with us if you want,” Jeongin said, looking up from his phone. “If she doesn't have an issue with me, of course.”

“Jiwon would never judge people,” Seojin said, voice firm, as she met Jeongin’s eyes. “And neither do I. God wouldn't make a nice person like you a sinner just for loving a man. It doesn't make sense. I'm just glad you found Him in other ways and didn’t abandon your faith.” 

“Yeah,” Jeongin said with a smile, shyly looking away again. He didn’t miss how a few people gave them looks, cooed at them for being cute and presumed they were a couple. It didn’t annoy him too much, but it was still weird to be so easily accepted for being with one person, but not with another. Most people would never look at Jeongin and Hyunjin as a couple, but it was so easy for them to see it when he was with Seojin. 

Jeongin glanced down at his phone, frowning a little as he saw the time. 

“If you have to catch your bus I think we have to leave,” Jeongin said, getting up and helping Seojin up as well. “If you miss it, you won’t be home in time for dinner.”

“Shoot, thanks, Jeongin,” she said with a smile, almost beaming when he helped her get her jacket on. “You’re such a gentleman, Jeongin, I wish more men were like you,” she sighed, but her smile was no longer sad as she turned to look at him.

“Hmm, I’m sure there are more men out there with good manners,” Jeongin smiled, offering Seojin his arm as they left the cafe, talking about the weather and Bible study. They were waiting for her bus when she suddenly looked up, eyes curious.

“Your boyfriend,” she said, eyes on the ground as he tugged at her bag nervously. “He’s the guy with the piercings and blond hair, right?” She asked, her huge eyes flickering up to meet Jeongin’s. “The one who kept looking at you,” she added when Jeongin just stared at her.

He blinked a few times, before he breathed out allowing a smile to bloom on his face. 

“Yeah,” he said with a nod. “That was him… we had a hard time when we first got to know each other,” he explained. One day perhaps he would tell her the whole story. For now, Jeongin wasn’t really ready. 

“I'm glad,” Seojin said, surprising Jeongin. “He looked at you like he loved you. He’ll take care of you. I hope he’ll have happier eyes now that he doesn’t have to stare at you from so far away,” she added kindly, taking a step forward as her bus rolled up to the curb.

“You should post a picture of you two on Instagram,” she called over her shoulder. “I think you’d look good next to each other,” she grinned, disappearing onto the bus before Jeongin could say anything. 

He looked after her, smiling to himself.

oOo

“I can’t believe I didn’t know about any of these photos,” Jeongin muttered as he flickered through his phone lazily. He was draped over Hyunjin’s bed - which was only a mattress on the floor - just scrolling through Hyunjin’s profile while the other man worked on one of his many paintings. While Jeongin had exams the following week, Hyunjin had a whole line of projects he had to hand in. 

“I still can’t believe it took you this long just to get Instagram,” Hyunjin muttered as he used a pen to correct something on the canvas. “Wait until you discover Twitter.”

“Twitter scares me,” Jeongin admitted, rolling onto his stomach as he looked over at his boyfriend. There was something oddly enthralling about Hyunjin when he was painting. He was so focused, eyes and mind somewhere else yet he always had time for Jeongin. 

Jeongin looked around the tiny room. It had taken some persuasion, but Jeongin was glad he had finally been allowed to see Hyunjin’s apartment. It was tiny, just one room, and was more a studio than anything else. There was a tiny kitchenette in the corner and a bathroom that looked more like a closet with a toilet and shower in it. Other than that, there was just art. Hyunjin kept most of his clothing in the corner by the bed and with the little fold-up table next to the bed, it was the only place that wasn't covered in paint. 

The smell of the oil paint was heavy, yet oddly familiar as Jeongin just rolled around on Hyunjin’s bed. Jeongin was beginning to understand that this wasn’t a home for Hyunjin, but a place he crashed. He made a silent vow to have Hyunjin over a little more often. Maybe he could even spend the night…

“What do you even say to all these people asking if you’re single?” Jeongin muttered as he flickered through one picture more artistic than the next of his boyfriend - of which Seungmin was to blame since he was apparently Hyunjin’s personal photographer. “There are like five every time you post,” he added with a frown. Some of them were… very flirty.

“Jealous?” Hyunjin asked with a wriggle of his eyebrows as he looked over the top of his canvas.

“No, just confused,” he replied honestly, meeting Hyunjin’s eyes straight on. 

“Wouldn’t hurt if you were a little possessive,” Hyunjin said, faux hurt in his voice. “But I usually just ignore them. I'm not really looking for strangers to date. Besides, using Instagram for hookups never turns out well,” he added with a wrinkle of his nose that told Jeongin he had definitely tried that more than once.

“Well, I don’t disagree with them,” Jeongin said, deciding to ask more about that another day. “They all say you’re beautiful,” Jeongin said with a smile, liking a few of the nicer comments before he clicked back to the overview. 

“Hmm, because they haven’t seen you yet,” Heyunjin threw back with a wink. Jeongin rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah, right,” Jeongin muttered, though it did tug at the idea Seojin had planted in his head yesterday. “Would you ever put me on here?” Jeongin asked, flickering back to his own profile that now had nine followers - Yedam and Seojin included - and about five pictures of his plants. 

Perhaps not the most enthralling profile, he had to admit. 

“If you scroll down you’ll see a few drawings of you… from the back,” Hyunjin added, cheeks getting a little pink. Jeongin grinned, liking pictures left and right as he descended into Hyunjin’s past pictures.

He frowned when he came past a picture of the blue-haired guy. Jeongin didn’t like that one. 

“I was actually thinking a bit more like a photo… of me… and you,” Jeongin said, staring at how the blue-haired man looked at Hyunjin while Hyunjin just looked a little bored. Poor guy, Jeongin could kinda see why it hadn’t worked out when Hyunjin looked like that. “Like, ehh, together,” he added looking up and catching Hyunjin looking at him surprised.

“If you’d want, yes,” Hyunjin said, putting down his brush. “I’ve never really had a boyfriend serious enough to like, openly talk about,” he said, hands folding in his lap. 

“You have now though,” Jeongin said, biting his lip as he looked at Hyunjin.

“I do,” Hyunjin agreed with a big happy smile. “And one day, definitely,” he added, eyes falling to his lap again. “I would love to show you off at one point. After all, I do have Seoul’s most beautiful man in my life.”

“Sap,” Jeongin huffed, though it was hard to hold his smile back. “And you know… You have my permission to post pictures of me,” Jeongin said, carefully weighing his words. “You can see the others post pictures with me in them all the time,” he added. It was true. Half of Felix’s profile was pictures where Jeongin was kind of scattered about the place in the background, and Changbin had several workout pictures of the two of them making silly faces while they showed off their muscles. Even Jisung had the rare picture of Jeongin dressed in odd second-hand clothing, or posing behind the seemingly endless stream of coffee pictures that made up most of his profile.

“I know,” Hyunjin said, voice guarded like he always was when they talked about making their relationship more public. “I'm just not ready yet,” he added, eyes sad as he looked up. Jeongin rolled onto his back, arms opening up and welcoming Hyunjin when he got up and staggered the few steps over to the bed from his easel. 

“It’s okay,” Jeongin said, kissing Hyunjin’s temple. “I'm not going anywhere. I fought God and the Catholic Church to be ready to accept myself and what we have. I'm not about to give it all up again,” he breathed, wishing he could imprint his words on Hyunjin’s doubting heart.

“I know,” Hyunjin said, voice still tinged with fear. “And it’s not that I doubt you, it's just… I'm not used to having nice things. And I'm not used to getting to keep them,” he added, sighing and relaxing when Jeongin held him closer. 

“I’ll fight God again if I have to,” Jeongin vowed, heart feeling too small for the emotions he got when he held onto Hyunjin like this. “I will be the best thing you ever get to keep,” Jeongin said, fumbling till he found Hyunjin’s hand, placing it over his own beating heart.

“Just feel how hard you still make my heart beat,” Jeongin said, words a caress against Hyunjin’s sweet-smelling hair. “No one has ever made it beat like this, so hard and painful. Only you.”

“Fuck, Innie, you can’t say that to me when you have a final tomorrow,” Hyunjin whined, burying his head in the crook of Jeongin’s neck. “It’s not fair. Not when I… Not when I want you,” he muttered, pulling away so he could look into Jeongin’s eyes, a silent question hiding in their debts. 

“I want you, too,” Jeongin said, cheeks getting pink. They had kissed so much now, but Jeongin was never getting tired of it. But he was craving more. Needed more. Sure their hands had strayed a few times, but so far they had just kissed, groped, and touched, filling Jeongin’s head with ideas and fantasies he had to live on his own in the dark of night. 

Hyunjin looked at him, eyes darkening. 

“And I will,” Hyunjin said, leaning in and kissing Jeongin. This kiss was filled with passion, but also care and tenderness. Hyunjin moved them so he was hovering over Jeongin, cradling his face as he slotted his thigh between Jeongin’s legs, pressing down right where Jeongin longed for his touch the most. Hyunjin deepened the kiss, pulling an indecent moan out of Jeongin. 

“But not before finals are over,” Hyunjin said as he pulled away, lips shiny and pink. 

Jeongin groaned, pulling his boyfriend back to kiss him some more. 

“Unfair,” he muttered with a pout when Hyunjin pulled away again.

“Well, I know you have a book to re-read and while I would much rather be with you, I kind of need to finish this,” he said pointing to the picture he was painting. “Now get to it and I might reward us both later when we’re done,” he added with a smirk. Jeongin’s heart jumped and he felt his cheeks heat up. 

“Tease,” Jeongin muttered, reaching over to his bag to take the apple Lia had kindly given him when he stopped by the cafe earlier to pick up coffee. He glared at his boyfriend and took a big bite of the apple demonstratively before picking up his book to begin studying with a pout. He took another, smaller, bite and got lost in his reading, the apple quickly forgotten in his hand. 

It was a few minutes later when his phone buzzed with a notification. He frowned, eyes turning to his boyfriend who put his phone away as he wordlessly returned to the painting. 

Jeongin pressed the notification, jumping to the picture Hyunjin had just posted. It was a picture of Jeongin’s wrist and hand holding his apple. His long fingers were wrapped elegantly around the deep red fruit, a bite missing and showing off the pale inner flesh. The light from the window gave his skin an almost otherworldly look and was a stark contrast to the deep red apple. The silver bracelet on his other hand caught the light and accentuated his slim wrist and long bony fingers splayed out on the page of his physics book in front of him.

The post was simply captioned with the words: My Muse .

“Felix gave me this bracelet as a birthday present,” Jeongin said with a smile as he noticed most of his friends liked the post instantly. “I don't think you’re as secret as you hope to be,” he added, shaking his head fondly when Hyunjin just hummed, fully focused on his painting. 

Jeongin tried not to smile too brightly as he returned to the post, double-tapping it. When the little heart appeared his stomach made an odd swoop but he ignored it, trying to focus on his studying. After all, he needed to earn his reward.

oOo

Jeongin sighed, relaxing into his bed with a book in his hand that was barely holding onto his attention. He had just had his last exam and his brain felt a little like jelly. He didn’t have classes until after January and the Lunar New Year, and a couple of days until he had to decide if he was going home for Christmas - so for now at least, he could relax his mind and spend time doing what he wanted. 

Though the novel in his hands was lackluster, at least he had scored himself some S tier company; A boyfriend of three weeks at his side. It had also been almost two months since the two of them began hanging out frequently and became attached by the hip.

Somehow they had slipped into the rhythm of being partners really easily, the two of them fit so well together that it felt like they had been together for years. Jeongin had been a bit frightened in the beginning, and for a brief moment, he feared that they had been moving too fast, but whenever Hyunjin was near, Jeongin felt at ease. He knew Hyunjin would stop him if he crossed his lines, and in the same way, Hyunjin knew Jeongin would tell him if it got too much for him.

As Changbin put it, it was fate. 

Jeongin looked over the edge of his book, letting his eyes rest on Hyunjin’s form. His boyfriend was busy sketching Jeongin in bold, long strokes, his nose scrunched in concentration. The pile of drawings Jeongin had of himself was growing steadily bigger and Jeongin still felt an odd thrill to be able to watch himself through the eyes of his boyfriend. Somehow, Hyunjin managed to make him look alluring and fascinating, so different from how Jeongin was used to viewing himself. 

As their relationship progressed, Jeongin got to learn more about Hyunjin and how his drawings were how he expressed himself in his most honest way. Just a week before, Hyunjin had left a drawing of a younger Jeongin sitting in church, with the light from the stained glass window above painting him in celestial light, his hands held together in silent prayer. When Jeongin asked why Hyunjin had drawn him like that, the other had looked at him for a moment before admitting that he admired Jeongin’s faith, and how he perhaps felt a bit sad that his own faith had wavered and toppled over so quickly. In all honesty, Jeongin hadn’t really known how to respond to that, because he highly doubted that that was the full reason.

Yesterday, Jeongin had been gifted a picture of himself slurping noodles with an extremely concentrated expression, and he had no idea when Hyunjin had ever had time to draw that.

In return, Jeongin had made a little messy drawing of Hyunjin on the margins of his notebook, with his little ponytail high on his head and a wide smile plastered on his face. Hyunjin had carefully ripped the drawing out of the notebook and had put it under the clear cover of his phone. Then he had spent the rest of the day, running around and proudly showing it off to anyone willing to spare the drawing a glance. Jeongin’s cheeks had been burning for hours afterward.

He closed his eyes, resting on his elbow as he just enjoyed how nice his life was right now. 

He sighed happily, before he allowed his eyes to refocus on Hyunjin and found the other scowling at something above Jeongin.

“How do you even sleep with that over your head?” Hyunjin asked, a note of disgust in his voice. Jeongin blinked his eyes open, confusedly looking up at the poor orchids that were looking down at him, long roots hanging over his head.

“What? My orchids?” He asked with a frown, looking about his room that did look a little like a greenhouse - or like one of those rooms in those videos he kept being recommended on Instagram. “You want me to move them?” He added questioning as his eyes returned to his boyfriend. 

“No, that ,” Hyunjin spat, eyes narrowing further. Jeongin followed his eyes to the spot over his head where a crucifix hung, Jesus looking pained down at both of them. “He’s staring,” Hyunjin continued, eyes coming down to meet Jeongin’s.

“He’s not that bad,” Jeongin defended his poor crucifix. His mom had packed it first when he was getting ready to move to Seoul, and had made him take a picture to prove he had put it up. “You should see my childhood home. He’s everywhere. I'm just kind of used to it,” Jeongin said with a little shrug, head rolling a little to the side on his pillow. 

“It was the same in my house,” Hyunjin said, voice dark as he looked up at it again. “All over. He was just always watching. He was of much help when he watched my parents drag me out of my own home,” he added sarcastically, though he was breathing a little hard, the memory awakening his anger. 

Jeongin’s heart hurt.

“I can take it down,” Jeongin offered as he reached out to touch Hyunjin’s thigh gently with his fingertips. “I had really just forgotten he was up there.”

Hyunjin seemed to think about it for a moment before his eyes darkened and focused on Jeongin. Jeongin swallowed, not really sure what to make of Hyunjin’s expression. For some reason it made him feel a prickling sensation all over, anticipation brewing in his stomach.

“No,” Hyunjin said, the dark glint in his eyes darkening further as he put his sketchbook away. Jeongin looked at him confused as Hyunjin untangled their legs and got up on his knees. He hovered at the side of Jeongin’s bed, taking in the sight of the younger man lying on the covers. “Leave him be for a little bit,” Hyunjin said with a dangerous tone, the corner of his lips curling up. He wiped his coal-stained hands on his gray sweats leaving smoky trails traveling up his thighs. 

Jeongin swallowed as the room suddenly felt hot, his throat feeling dry. There was something in the way Hyunjin was staring at him that made his blood simmer, the tension in the room suddenly growing unbearable. Jeongin felt his skin tingle, expectancy dancing under it while his heart beat faster in his chest.

Hyunjin’s eyes captured Jeongin’s careful ones, a conflicting sensation of hesitant eagerness filling Jeongin, making him shudder. Hyunjin clearly knew the effect he had on Jeongin, the alluring smirk growing as he gently stepped away from the bed, his eyes never once looking away from Jeongin’s. 

Jeongin followed Hyunjin with wide eyes as he made his way over to the open door, only breaking eye contact when Hyunjin turned to face the door. He closed it and the sound of the lock clicking soon filled the room.

“I'm not having anyone walk in on us this time,” Hyunjin said with a mischievous voice, turning away from the door, to catch Jeongin’s eyes again. He leaned up against the door with an impish smile. Jeongin blinked, heart beating hard in his chest with anticipation. “You’ll stop me if it gets too much?” Hyunjin asked, head tilted to the side, eyes burning into Jeongin’s skin.

“Y-yeah,” Jeongin managed, letting his book fall closed, and threw it to the side. It hit the ground with a ‘thump’ but neither Jeongin nor Hyunjin paid it any attention. Jeongin wasn’t sure what had suddenly brought this on - however, he did have an inkling this had something to do with his reward for being done with finals, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to complain. “Come here,” Jeongin begged when Hyunjin just kept looking at him, a playful demeanor slowly taking over his face. 

Jeongin’s heart fluttered in his chest, making his toes curl. Hyunjin hadn’t even touched him, but Jeongin already felt like he was gonna fly away. He curled his fists into the coves of his bed, trying to keep himself composed, eyes pleadingly focused on Hyunjin.

“Please,” he borderline whimpered when Hyunjin kept his distance, admiring Jeongin with hungry eyes from the door.

Hyunjin’s smile widened as if he got genuine pleasure out of seeing Jeongin beg for his attention.

“As you command,” Hyunjin finally said, the dangerous glint back in his eyes. He sauntered over to the bed like a tiger stalking its prey and crawled onto the bed, swinging a leg over Jeongin’s hips and settling on his lap, Hyunjin’s thighs bracketing Jeongin’s. He reached up and swiftly pulled off his shirt, baring himself to Jeongin, making Jeongin’s hands pause midair from where he had been reaching for him.

He blinked, staring at Hyunjin’s bare chest in shock. They had never really moved past making out on the couch, and the fleeting touches under one of their shirts before, but they had never moved as far as to show themselves to each other completely. Why, he wasn’t really sure of, because he was kind of cursing himself now for not getting to see his boyfriend shirtless before. 

Hyunjin’s chest was perfectly sculpted; subtle muscle, graceful lines, and soft inviting skin. His stomach was firm and his piercing gleamed softly in the light. 

But that wasn’t what drew Jeongin’s attention the most. 

Since the first time Jeongin had laid eyes on Hyunjin, he had been fascinated by the dark lines stretching across his skin and disappearing underneath the hem of his shirt. He had spent hours thinking and imagining what the tattoo on his skin was depicting and what the meaning was behind it.

Now Jeongin finally knew.

On Hyunjin’s shoulder was a serpent, long fangs bared as it hissed in warming over his heart, twisting and turning protectively over his shoulder and onto his back. Flowers bloomed around it, so life-like Jeongin wanted to reach out and touch the petals to see if they were real, if they would be soft under his touch. 

The serpent's pitch-black eyes glared at Jeongin, daring him to test if he was worthy enough for Hyunjin. 

Jeongin so desperately wanted to be found worthy.

“Like what you see?” Hyunjin asked with a knowing smirk, leaning forward and placing his arms on each side of Jeongin’s face, staring directly through Jeongin’s eyes and into his soul. 

Jeongin could only nod, his mouth opening and closing uselessly, head devoid of any comprehensive thoughts. Desire filled his veins, and his fingers twitching with the need to touch… and yet he was powerless in front of Hyunjin. “Good,” Hyunjin said, words dripping honey, sweet and addictive as they fell from his lips. “Because this is just for you now.” 

Jeongin shakily exhaled, hands finally reaching out to touch Hyunjin, his skin soft and warm under his palms. The feeling of his warmth was just as addictive as always and Jeongin felt blessed that he was allowed to experience this side of Hyunjin.

Jeongin’s hands traveled up around Hyunjin’s neck and softly caressed his throat before he pulled him down, quickly sealing their lips in a heated and messy kiss.

Jeongin felt lightheaded and allowed Hyunjin to take control of the kiss he had initiated. He felt Hyunjin move against his lips in an all too familiar way, his toes curling in his socks, and his hands finding their way to Hyunjin’s hair, tugging and pulling like he always did. He squirmed underneath Hyunjin, unaware of what to do with the overwhelming lust that flowed through him, making him dizzy and dazed.

Hyunjin pulled away breathlessly, his lips lingering over Jeongin’s for a moment as he basked in their closeness. He lifted his hand and softly caressed Jeongin’s cheek, his eyes once again locked only on Jeongin. 

“Beautiful,” Hyunjin sighed with the most heartbreaking smile.

If this kiss hadn’t taken Jeongin’s breath away then the look in Hyunjin’s eyes would have. No one had ever looked at Jeongin with such delicate affection, such tenderness, and warmth that Jeongin didn’t really know what to do with himself. 

Thankfully, he didn’t have to think too much about it, before Hyunjin pulled away slightly, and sent the crucifix above them a pointed look. 

“In my religion, we don’t go to church,” Hyunjin said, leaning in close again, his lips hovering just above Jeongin’s. Jeongin stared wide-eyed at him from below, his hands still buried in Hyunjin’s blond locks, breathing labored. “I’ll show him how I worship,” Hyunjin added, before surging down, connecting their lips bruisingly and hard.

Jeongin felt like his whole body came alive. He opened his mouth, allowing Hyunjin to deepen the kiss and consume him. Fire rushed through Jeongin’s veins as he moaned, grasping at Hyunjin’s sides, desperately trying to find something to ground him. 

They fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, their worn-off edges fitting together with a familiarity that didn’t seem real with how short a time they had been together, but Jeongin didn’t care. He didn’t care that his heart felt like it was overflowing when he was close to Hyunjin, didn’t care that he loved him in a way that would have scared most people.

Jeongin had been terrified most of his life, it was time he finally lived.

“So fucking beautiful,” Hyunjin muttered as he pulled away from Jeongin, sealing his word with a scatter of smaller kisses all over Jeongin’s face. “My gorgeous boyfriend,” he praised, knowing exactly what his words did to Jeongin. They were both breathless, but Jeongin didn’t care. He didn’t need air when he had Hyunjin this close to him. 

He pulled Hyunjin near again, their lips crashing almost painfully again as Jeongin took his time pulling Hyunjin apart. His hands wandered anywhere they could reach, the feeling of Hyunjin’s soft skin under him addictive and sinful. 

Hyunjin’s hands were like fire where they played just at the hem of Jeongin’s shirt, fingers teasingly moving higher and higher without really doing anything. It was driving Jeongin crazy. He wanted more. Needed more, needed Hyunjin closer than ever. 

“Hyun,” he whined as his lover broke free from the kiss, trailing kisses up and down Jeongin’s neck, each and every one only fueling the fire of desire in his lower abdomen, drawing lewd sounds out of him. He knew Hyunjin could feel him, pressing and hard against him. “More,” Jeongin whispered as Hyunjin bit his earlobe, his breath tickling his hair. 

“Can I take off your shirt?” Hyunjin asked, tugging at the soft material hiding Jeongin from the world. “I want to see you,” he said, shifting his weight as he leaned back, grazing Jeongin’s straining desire, drawing another breathy moan from him. Hyunjin settled heavily on Jeongin’s thighs and pinned him to the bed pressing down further and making Jeongin hiss with need, his eyes dark as he stared down at Jeongin. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin breathed heavily, awkwardly pulling himself up so Hyunjin could pull his shirt off. He couldn’t stop a blush from attacking his cheeks, coloring his neck and chest pink as Hyunjin stared hungrily at him. Jeongin got so flustered he almost got trapped in the shirt, Hyunjin having to guide him out of it properly. 

Jeongin breathed deeply, only realizing how close they were when Hyunjin threw the shirt on the floor, hands settling back on Jeongin’s shoulder, fingertips trailing curiously over his collar bones. Jeongin couldn’t help but look away. Hyunjin was so beautiful, but how could Jeongin compare to that? He knew Hyunjin had had other partners, some of them had to have been as pretty as Hyunjin himself. 

Jeongin knew he wasn’t bad to look at. He worked out with Changbin once a week and he was strong and had a decent amount of muscle, but there wasn't anything interesting about him. He didn’t have tattoos, or piercings, or anything. 

His body was an untouched canvas, plain and boring. 

“Gorgeous,” Hyunjin breathed, contradictory to Jeongin’s thoughts, his hand sliding down Jeongin’s chest, pulling a gasp from Jeongin when he drifted over his chest. “Fuck, you look amazing,” Hyunjin said, hands touching Jeongin softly, almost like he was a frail piece of glass. 

Jeongin could see his lover’s fingers slide over his stomach, touch lingering for a second before he drifted back up, drawing invisible lines on his bare skin. 

“Look at me,” Hyunjin said, voice hard but kind, and like he was spellbound Jeongin lifted his head, taking in Hyunjin’s form. He was beautiful. Jeongin felt like a record on repeat, but Hyunjin really was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He met the eyes of the serpent, swallowing as he looked at its pitch-black eyes. “Touch me.” 

Jeongin lifted his hand, hesitantly letting his fingers drift along the line of the tattoo, finally feeling the flower petals under his fingers. The serpent still had its teeth bared, but the more Jeongin looked at it the less angry it looked. He reached out, hand covering it, feeling Hyunjin’s heart beating thunderously under his palm. 

“I got it when I started college last year. Used all my birthday money from my aunt and a good chunk of my savings,” Hyunjin explained, voice breathless as Jeongin followed the lines with a feathery touch, from his collarbone to his chest. “I drew it myself,” he added with a hiss when Jeongin dragged his nails over Hyunjin’s chest.

“It’s gorgeous,” Jeongin said as he leaned over, drawing a breathy moan from his lover as he kissed the snake. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” he muttered in between kisses, breathing deeply as his lungs filled with the scent of Hyunjin. He felt almost drunk.

“If you want, I’ll draw you a tattoo one day,” Hyunjin said, voice quivering when Jeongin dragged his tongue over his nipple, tasting his skin. “Fuck, Innie,” Hyunjin breathed, grinding down, both of them moaning when their lower bodies pressed closer. 

“Hmm, perhaps a little too soon for that,” Jeongin said, voice shaking, yet he couldn’t stop himself from reaching down and grabbing Hyunjin, pressing them closer again. “But later… definitely,” he vowed with a hard bite to Hyunjin’s neck. 

“Innie,” Hyunjin exhaled, his head falling back as he moaned, grinding down hard, making Jeongin gasp. Hyunjin’s arms wrapped around Jeongin, pressing them closer. “One day I’ll truly worship you, just like you deserve… Though, until then,” he said with an impish smile, tilting his head so he could suck a bruise into Jeongin’s collarbone. 

Jeongin was powerless as he leaned back, pressing his head to the pillow as he allowed his lover to mark him. Even if he could have stopped Hyunjin, he didn’t want to. Hyunjin already had his heart and soul, Jeongin saw no point in withholding his body. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin whined, hands going to Hyunjin’s hair when the other pressed closer, making it almost unbearable for Jeongin. The strands were like silk between his fingers, soft yet strong as they tangled willingly before he tugged at them slightly. Hyunjin moaned, teeth softly sinking into Jeongin’s skin. He groaned in pleasure. “Please,” Jeongin added with a hiss, pressing up in his search for relief.

Hyunjin shuddered in his arms, his nails digging into Jeongin’s ribs. 

“Can… Can I touch you?” Hyunjin asked, one of his hands sliding down, teasing the hem of Jeongin’s sweats leaving no doubt about what it was he wanted. Jeongin frowned, contemplating for a moment, but eventually nodded. “Okay,” Hyunjin replied with a smile, eyes dark as he licked his lips, Jeongin’s eyes following his tongue with an intense look, anticipation crawling under his skin.

Hyunjin allowed his hand to gently travel under the hem of Jeongin’s sweatpants, and further down, taking Jeongin into his hand, nimble finger wrapping around the length, gingerly stroking him with practiced ease. Jeongin inhaled shakily, dragging his fingers into Hyunjin’s hair, pulling him closer, and tugging Hyunjin’s face into the crook of Jeongin’s neck.

Hyunjin chuckled against Jeongin’s throat, nibbling the soft skin, and forced a moan out of Jeongin when he twisted his wrist. Jeongin moved into the touch, back arching off the pillow tucked behind his back. He wanted Hyunjin to move faster, to bring him closer to the edge.

“We can try something,” Hyunjin said, suddenly pulling back, leaving Jeongin whining when Hyunjin’s hand retreated. 

Hyunjin got back up on his knees, putting his abdomen right in front of Jeongin. Jeongin looked down, the little stone in Hyunjin’s belly button catching his attention. Jeongin leaned forward, flattening his tongue and running it over the taut skin of Hyunjin’s stomach catching the little silver barbell with his tongue. “Fuck, Innie,” Hyunjin hissed, muscles quivering under his mouth. 

“I really like your piercing,” Jeongin said, licking Hyunjin’s stomach again, confidence filling him when Hyunjin groaned above him. 

“I gathered that,” Hyunjin said breathlessly, shivering as he pulled Jeongin away so he could kiss him softly. 

“Even though I want to, I won’t fuck you just yet,” Hyunjin said, voice seductive as he pulled away from Jeongin, staring at him with those dark eyes that made Jeongin lose all sense of reason. “But I do want a taste of you.”

Jeongin wanted to touch every part of Hyunjin, he wanted to let his lips travel over his body, leave trails of devotion all over his skin, mark and claim him, make him Jeongin’s through and through. He wanted to kiss the little mole Hyunjin had under his eye, sprinkling hickeys all over his clavicles and throat, caress the softness of his waist, and show high praise to the man he was so deeply devoted to. He wanted to do all that, except...

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Jeongin admitted, a bit embarrassed, hands fidgeting where they had slipped to rest on Hyunjin’s waist, knowing there was no one in the world he would be able to be as unabashedly honest as Hyunjin. Jeongin knew nothing about intimacy, perhaps only enough to get him by if he stumbled over an uncensored sex scene in a novel. Never in his life had he thought he would be in this position, Hyunjin above him, staring at him like he was prey, lust hanging heavily in the room.

“I know,” Hyunjin said with a soft smile, letting his thumb caress the apple of Jeongin’s cheek, his eyes bright and affectionate. “And we'll figure all of this out together. Your inexperience doesn’t scare me, nor should my experience make you ashamed. We’re in this together. Let me worship and care for you as promised. All you have to do is just have to lean back, and let me do all the work,” he said, letting his hand drift through Jeongin’s hair. 

“Doesn’t seem fair,” Jeongin protested weakly as he leaned into the touch, ignoring the shiver of anticipation running down his spine. He wanted to feel Hyunjin around him again, but clearly, Hyunjin had other plans in mind. 

“Trust me,” Hyunjin said, leaning away as he shimmied his sweats and underwear down his thighs slowly revealing his hip bones painfully slowly. “I have been wanting to do this for ages. It’s not hard work for me,” he added, getting off Jeongin to pull his pants off completely, baring himself for Jeongin.

Jeongin could only stare. 

It wasn’t the first time he had seen someone naked, but Hyunjin was different. Jeongin felt himself blush, blood rushing through his body, fast and joyous. He shivered again as he felt his desire grow, pushing even harder against his sweats at the sight of Hyunjin naked and exposed before him. 

He was surprised to find that he wasn’t as shy as he should have been as he took in Hyunjin’s naked body, his eyes following his powerful lithe arms, his lean stomach, his powerful thighs, the v of his hips, and his… Well, even that was pretty, Jeongin supposed, as his eyes lingered shyly between Hyunjin’s hips.

Jeongin suddenly felt shy and vulnerable.

This was Hyunjin after all, and he knew. He knew Jeongin was a virgin, that he hadn't been kissed by anyone other than Hyunjin himself, and that Jeongin knew nothing. Hyunjin would never judge him, and Jeongin knew this because otherwise, Hyunjin would have left him the moment Jeongin awkwardly had begun experimenting while they were making out, teeth and tongue working in awkward and inexperienced ways. 

Hyunjin had always accepted Jeongin, fully and completely… and yet, the doubt was slowly creeping in the more he stared at Hyunjin because all of him was just so painfully beautiful. 

“Can I take yours off as well?” Hyunjin asked, settling back beside Jeongin and carefully tugging at the hem of Jeongin’s own sweats. 

It suddenly felt too real. Sure, Hyunjin had just held him between his fingers, working up and down the length of Jeongin, but for some reason, the idea of baring himself was making Jeongin feel exposed and ashamed. He was nothing compared to Hyunjin, nor anyone Hyunjin had been intimate with before. 

Jeongin didn’t know where this uncertainty came from, but he wished it had never surfaced. 

“I don’t have tattoos,” Jeongin suddenly blurted, making Hyunjin look at him a little odd. “I don’t have any hidden piercings… I’m nothing like anyone you’ve been with before. I’m nothing special,” he bit his lip, regretting what he said immediately. Why was he like this? Why was he bringing up his own insecurities, when Hyunjin was right there in front of him, completely naked and everything Jeongin had ever desired? “I don’t know anything.”

Jeongin half expected Hyunjin to laugh at him, or perhaps pull his pants back on, but instead, he pulled Jeongin closer and kissed his temple.

“And thank God for that,” Hyunjin said, his warm hand cradling Jeongin’s chin and forcing him to look up. “Because you’re my Innie. And I don’t want anyone else. Whoever I was with before doesn’t matter anymore. We didn’t work. You’re perfect the way you are, better than anyone else. You can get tattoos if you want, you can get a piercing if that is what you wish for. I don't care, because, in the end, the one I care about is you. Just you. My Jeongin. My Love. The rest is just a bonus,” he added with a smile, gently guiding Jeongin back so he landed on his pillows with a soft huff. 

“I care that you're here right now, with me and no one else,” Hyunjin said, fingers sneaking in between the hem of Jeongin’s underwear and his skin, a burning sensation spreading from where his touch lingered. Hyunjin looked at Jeongin, waiting for permission to continue. Jeongin nodded, biting his lips as he stared at his lover. “I have been dreaming about this for months,” Hyunjin said with a hungry glint in his eyes as Jeongin lifted up his hips, allowing Hyunjin to pull Jeongin’s pants down in one swift movement, leaving Jeongin naked and exposed on his bed.

“Fuck,” Hyunjin said, eyes on Jeongin’s dick, now finally free from the constraints of his pants. He licked his lips, lifting an eyebrow as he looked up at Jeongin. “Trust me, Love, that-” he dropped the pants on the floor as his free hand reached out to gently touch Jeongin, “-is nothing to feel bad about,” he added, his elegant hand wrapping around Jeongin, his thumb swiping over the leaking head.

Hyunjin was moving with precision, with no hesitation in his eyes as he stared at Jeongin hungrily. Where there before had been a faint hesitation, there was only resolute determination as Hyunjin allowed his hand to drift down, slowly and tight before he pulled up again, dragging a deep moan from Jeongin.

Jeongin arched his back, pushing into the pillows, eyes wide as he looked up at his crucifix, his breath stuck in his throat. It felt so different now that he could watch with his own eyes, how Hyunjin's hand traveled up and down, drawing pleasurous sounds out of Jeongin.

“Have you ever touched yourself?” Hyunjin asked innocently, kneeling in front of Jeongin, gently letting his hand travel down the length of Jeongin’s cock, pulling another breathy moan out of the man underneath him. He stopped, just holding on to Jeongin at the base, pressing down ever so gently and making Jeongin squirm with need. 

His hands were buried in the duvet, holding on to his sanity with a death grip.

“Yeah,” Jeongin admitted breathlessly as he looked down. The sight of Hyunjin sitting naked in his bed, while he just casually held Jeongin in his hand was sinful in the best of ways. He felt lightheaded from lust, and all he knew was that he wanted Hyunjin closer.

“Hmm,” Hyunjin hummed, looking up and meeting Jeongin’s eyes. “Have you ever thought of me while you did it?” He asked, another upward movement of his hand almost sending Jeongin to heaven. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin admitted with a moan, because really there wasn’t any point in lying. Of course, he had. It wasn’t that he had done it often since it was a sin, but sometimes his longing became too much for him, only his imagination and hands able to bring him to completion. But it was still sinful, and after he had been told of Hyunjin ‘passing away’ he hadn’t touched himself for years, allowing time and cold water to take care of any inconvenience. It was only lately that he had begun again shyly and hesitantly, the phantom of Hyunjin’s lingering touches and the echo of his moans enough to fuel Jeongin’s fantasies at night. 

“Do you ever think about anyone else?” Hyunjin suddenly asked, eyes slightly narrowed as he looked at Jeongin, his hand keeping the same maddeningly slow pace, fully aware of what he was doing, teasing Jeongin like this. “Or am I the only one you dream about?” He inquired, leaning closer, giving the tip of Jeongin’s length a little lick.  

“There is only you,” he said, moaning when Hyunjin planted his teeth in his inner thigh, Jeongin’s legs quivering uselessly around Hyunjin, making the other grip his thigh in a harsh hold, keeping him still.

“Only me?” Hyunjin said as he pulled away, no doubt leaving a dark bruise behind for Jeongin to find later. “I'm the only one you think about?” He asked again, having a hard time hiding his smugness. 

“Only you,” Jeongin agreed, trailing his hand through Hyunjin’s hair again adoringly. “Only ever you,” he added with a sigh, feeling a thrill go through him from Hyunjin’s pleased possessiveness. For Jeongin there had always only been Hyunjin, no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise. 

“Sexy,” Hyunjin said with a cheeky smile. “You have to tell me if I'm better than your imagination later,” he said, leaning in over Jeongin and licking a long stipe up Jeongin’s cock. Jeongin gasped, barely getting a second to gather his wits before Hyunjin’s hot mouth engulfed him, sinking down.

“H- Hyun,” Jeongin moaned, a fretting hand settling into Hyunjin’s hair as he held on tight. Hyunjin moaned as Jeongin pulled his hair, the vibrations traveling into Jeongin who groaned loudly, his free hand bunching up his sheets so hard his knuckles turned white. “Fuck,” he managed not able to hold back the obscene sounds spilling from him when Hyunjin pulled back up, tongue flattening against his dick and pressing him against the roof of Hyunjin’s mouth. 

“Hmm,” Hyunjin hummed, making Jeongin see stars before he pulled off Jeongin with a pop. “You like this?” He asked, making Jeongin narrow his eyes at him, feeling a little like throttling his boyfriend, but his brain was too scrambled to do anything but tug at Hyunjin’s hair.

“I like it when you pull my hair,” Hyunjin said instead, eyes darkening even further as he stared up at Jeongin. “Keep it up, and I don’t know how well I’ll be able to behave myself. The fun has only just started,” he smiled, wrapping his lips sinfully around Jeongin, sinking down slowly, drawing all sorts of sounds out of the younger. 

Jeongin closed his eyes, a sigh leaving him as the desire pooled in his stomach, tightening in his lower abdomen. He bit his lips, willing himself not to cum yet. 

“Eyes on me,” Hyunjin commanded as he pulled off briefly. Jeongin's eyes flew open, meeting the dark eyes of his lover. “You should look at me, and me only,” he said, the tip of Jeongin’s cock resting on his lower lip. Hot air blew over it as he spoke, making Jeongin shiver.

“I will,” Jeongin promised, voice shaking as his thumb swiped over Hyunjin’s cheekbone. He looked debauched like this. Lips wet, red and puffy, eyes a little watery from taking Jeongin so deep. Jeongin burned the image into his memory, the way his blond hair was falling into his eyes, the way he looked at Jeongin like he was the most precious thing in the world. 

“Good boy,” Hyunjin said, the praise making Jeongin groan in pleasure. Hyunjin smiled, holding Jeongin’s eyes as he took his cock back into his mouth, not once breaking eye contact. Jeongin could only look on in blind lust as Hyunjin continued to swallow him down, sinking deeper and deeper until Jeongin hit the back of his throat. Jeongin whined as all the nerve endings in his body came alive.

“Fuck,” he hissed as he followed Hyunjin moving back up and down again with his eyes. All he could do was watch his boyfriend continue to suck him off, small pleased hums and sighs escaping Hyunjin as he worked up and down Jeongin.

Hyunjin’s tongue should have its very own paragraph among earth’s temptations. The way it slid over Jeongin, played with him, and pressed against the tiniest and most pleasurable points was maddening. Jeongin didn’t even know it could feel like this, that there could be some much pleasure to be had from just a touch.

He moaned, hand tightening in Hyunjin’s hair as he lost the grip of his body, hips gently chasing the tight wet feeling of Hyunjin’s mouth. Hyunjin just moaned around him before he pinned Jeongin down with his hand, nails digging into his thighs and leaving a line of deep crescent indentations.

“Fuck,” Jeongin moaned, struggling to keep his eyes open as he stared at Hyunjin. “Hyun,” he gasped, the name falling from his lips like a prayer. “Please.” Jeongin knew he couldn’t last, not with the way Hyunjin felt around him, nor with the way Hyunjin’s free hand was softly caressing Jeongin’s thigh carefully, smoothing out the painful marks his nails had left behind. The tightening feeling in his lower abdomen got worse and Jeongin could feel himself like a string, stretching and stretching, just seconds from unraveling and tearing apart.

“Hyun, fu-” he hissed, eyes getting watery from the waves that were building up inside of him. “I'm… I'm gonna-” he moaned, pulling at Hyunjin’s hair to no avail. His lover didn’t move, just continued working him towards completion, swallowing Jeongin deep again, his cock once more hitting the back of Hyunjin’s throat. 

With a broken whimper, Jeongin came, spilling onto Hyunjin’s tongue, drawing a pleased moan out of the man around him.

Jeongin fell apart, barely blinking as he stared at Hyunjin, who swallowed his release, holding his eyes and allowing Jeongin to ride out his pleasure. When Hyunjin pulled off with a breathless gasp his eyes were wet, white painting the corner of his lip. His tongue peeked out and licked up the little speck, making Jeongin shudder.

Hyunjin leaned back and briefly admired his work and the mess he had made out of Jeongin, before he moved closer.

“Fuck, that was so hot,” Hyunjin muttered, grabbing Jeongin’s chin and lifting his head up to capture his lips in a searingly hot kiss. Jeongin could taste himself on Hyunjin’s tongue, but he didn’t care, allowing Hyunjin to deepen the kiss, and settle himself on his lap again. His limbs were heavy and sated and he just wanted to hold Hyunjin close, his hands already having found their place at his waist. However, the way Hyunjin’s cock kept bumping into him was a constant reminder to him that he was the only one who had been allowed release… and that wasn’t fair.

“Hyun,” Jeongin whispered as he pulled away from the kiss, voice hesitant as he reached his hand down, drawing a soft gasp from his lover as he reached for him to hold him in his hand softly. He was warm, hot and heavy in his hand, and yet the skin was so soft. “I don't know how,” he admitted as he let his hand close around Hyunjin, moving his fist up and down, awkward from the angle and his inexperience. 

“I’ll show you,” Hyunjin whispered, folding his hand around Jeongin’s fingers, helping him out. With a few gentle nudges, he adjusted Jeongin’s grip, making it less awkward, before putting his hand around Jeongin’s, helping Jeongin with the pressure. “This is good,” Hyunjin said breathlessly, leaning back so he was hovering over Jeongin, lifted up on one arm against the wall, letting his forehead rest against Jeongin’s. Jeongin focussed his eyes on his hand working up and down, precum making the slide easier. 

“You looked amazing,” Hyunjin said as they worked his cock in unity. “I can’t wait to do that again,” he added, eyes staring at Jeongin in the way that made it feel like he was staring at his soul. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin said, limbs feeling like lead as he looked up at his boyfriend. “Next time, I want to do that too,” he told him, biting his lip and moving his thumb over Hyunjin’s cock, a mimic of the move Hyunjin had just used on him. 

“Fuck,” Hyunjin breathed, the muscles in his stomach trembling as he sped up the movement of his and Jeongin’s entwined fingers. “I’d like that a lot,” he said with a smile, leaning down and capturing Jeongin’s lips in a bruising kiss. 

Jeongin deepened the kiss, letting his free hand travel up Hyunjin’s stomach, tugging a little at his piercing before he drifted up, nail digging into him, making his boyfriend groan against his lips as he came in long streaks over Jeongin’s stomach. 

“Fuck, Innie,” Hyunjin moaned, falling to the side after a moment of heavy breathing, draping his limbs all over Jeongin. “Shit, that was too good to just be from your hand,” he groaned, blinking lazily as he stared at Jeongin like he was one of the world's wonders. 

“I do have nice hands,” Jeongin teased, eyes drifting to the white streaks on his stomach, curiously gathering some on his finger. “You made a mess of me,” he said with a smile, sticking his finger in his mouth, tasting Hyunjin on his tongue. 

Beside him, Hyunjin made a strangled noise, drawing Jeongin’s attention, finger still in his mouth.

“Hm?” Jeongin hummed, licking his finger clean.

“Did you just, erhm,-” Hyunjin gestured to the mess he had made on Jeongin’s stomach and then to Jeongin’s moist finger.

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, cheeks suddenly red, eyes wide. “Was it not allowed? I didn’t know.” 

“No, no, you can, you can do that, yeah,” Hyunjin stumbled over his words, eyes still stuck on Jeongin’s lips. “That is perfectly allowed, fuck,” he groaned, closing his eyes for a second before he looked at Jeongin again. “You like it?” He asked, hand sliding up and down Jeongin’s naked thigh. 

“It has a weird taste, but it’s nice, I guess,” Jeongin said bashfully, his cheeks hurting a little. “Thanks. I really liked this… us. I really liked us… If you want to, you can do that again,” he added awkwardly, cheeks getting pink again. Hyunjin had literally just had his dick in his mouth and here Jeongin was blushing like an idiot again. Thankfully, Hyunjin seemed to enjoy the sight going by how he looked at Jeongin adoringly. 

“My pleasure,” Hyunjin said with a grin, taking a deep breath before he looked at Jeongin again. “And don’t worry. We will be doing this again, and again, and again,” he said, each ‘again’ accentuated with a kiss on Jeongin’s shoulder. Jeongin couldn’t hold back a laugh, his limbs becoming relaxed and pliant as he giggled under Hyunjin’s attention. 

“Let me fix this,” Hyunjin said with a kiss on Jeongin's chest. He sighed as he got up to get Jeongin’s shirt from the floor, quickly wiping away the evidence of his release before he threw it onto the floor. “And there. Now you’re clean. Come here,” he grinned, leaning in to capture Jeongin’s lips in yet another bruising kiss.

“Soon,” Jeongin promised when they pulled apart, eyes staring at Hyunjin. “We have to do it again soon.” Hyunjin had been so beautiful when he came, so open and free as he had stared at Jeongin. It was addicting. Even now, next to Jeongin, completely unabashed in his nakedness, he was gorgeous and Jeongin couldn’t get enough. If it wasn’t because he was wrung out and spent completely he would have attacked Hyunjin again. 

He reached out, intertwining their fingers as he pulled Hyunjin closer.

“We most definitely are,” Hyunjin promised him, laying down next to him and wrapping him up like a resistant weed. “I hope he enjoyed the show,” he added, eyes lifting to above their head. Jeongin followed his eyes and couldn’t hold back a snicker when he saw Jesus look down at them. 

“Well, it’s the last one he’s getting,” Jeongin muttered, shaking his head fondly as he rolled into Hyunjin’s arms, relaxing completely. “I’m for your eyes only,” he said with a sigh, kissing Hyunjin’s shoulder before he allowed the sound of their unified breathing to fill the room.

Jeongin just wanted to cuddle now, to feel all that warm skin close to his own, and revel in their closeness. To let his fingers linger and learn all of his lover’s body, to become as familiar with Hyunjin’s body as his own. It wouldn’t happen today, but they had time. They had all the time in the world.

“Stay here tonight,” Jeongin said, pressing closer to Hyunjin as he stroked his soft skin. “I don't want you to leave,” he said, a warm almost unbearable feeling filling his chest. He stared at Hyunjin, biting his lips to keep the words in. 

“I don’t want to leave,” Hyunjin said, staring at Jeongin with that same look filled with words that were too vulnerable to be said. “I don’t ever want to leave,” he said, caressing Jeongin’s face so tenderly Jeongin’s heart hurt. 

One day, Jeongin would tell him. One day soon, Jeongin would put a name to the feelings he felt towards Hyunjin.  

oOo

Dear God…

If that is a sin we really need to talk

Jeongin had heard people say they were addicted to kissing, and Jeongin had always thought they were idiots, because how could the connection of lips be that amazing and mind-blowing? Kissing was just a press of lips against lips, it couldn’t be more addicting than actual chemical substances, could it? Oh, how wrong and innocent Jeongin had been.

It didn’t matter how much he had kissed Hyunjin in the last week, Jeongin just couldn't get enough. It didn’t matter if his lips were sore, it didn't matter that it felt like he couldn’t get enough air. All that mattered was the feeling of Hyunjin moving against him, how he and Jeongin melted together into one being, one ending where the other started. 

Even here they fit perfectly. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin breathed when Hyunjin finally pulled away from his lips only to press a long line of toe-curling kisses down Jeongin’s neck. “Please,” he begged, unsure about what it was exactly he was asking for. All he knew was that he needed Hyunjin as close as possible.

Hyunjin’s reply came in the form of a scrape of teeth against the soft skin just by Jeongin’s ear. The action made him moan loudly as he pushed himself further into the cushions, pulling Hyunjin with him by his shirt.

“My Innie,” Hyunjin whispered against Jeongin’s throat, words tickling Jeongin’s ears, making him whimper. Not even the serpent luring Eve into temptation could have sounded this seductive and persuasive. “Do you like being touched like this?” Hyunjin asked, one of his burning hands slipping under Jeongin’s shirt, setting him aflame and giving him goosebumps all over at the same time. Jeongin practically whimpered.

Surprised by the sounds coming out of him, he grabbed Hyunjin’s face and pulled him back in a messy kiss. Kissing was good, kissing was nice, and kissing made it easier to ignore the pressing desire growing in Jeongin’s lower belly. Something he was not ready to deal with right now, and something he would rather just forget about because he honestly didn’t know how things would end if he actually acknowledged it. 

For now, getting lost on Hyunjin’s lips was all he could manage.

He understood why Father Kim had warned him of temptation because if Jeongin had known it would feel this good kissing a boy - Hyunjin, especially - he wouldn’t have waited this long doing it. Who needed space for Jesus when Jeongin could have Hwang Hyunjin - The Fucking Hwang Hyunjin! - hovering above him, pressing him down and igniting feelings Jeongin had never felt. Sorry, Jesus. 

Jeongin pulled a moan of his own out of Hyunjin when broke the kiss and planted his own row of kisses up and down Hyunjin’s throat. The skin was so warm and soft and Jeongin couldn’t stop himself from biting Hyunjin, not hard, but just enough to leave a mark. 

“Fuck,” Hyunjin gasped, pressing his body closer to Jeongin as he hissed at the pleasureful pain. The hand under Jeongin slipped up higher, playing with the dips of muscle just under Jeongin’s ribs. “Such a pretty boy,” Hyunjin muttered between kisses, making Jeongin whine as he pressed their chests together, bringing them even closer. “Fuck, you look so gorgeous right now,” he praised, pulling away to look down at Jeongin as he breathed hard, his heart beating wildly in his chest. It felt like his blood was singing, running wild in his veins with euphoria. 

He got why this was a sin a lot of people were willing to commit now, because Jeongin wasn’t sure he would ever be able to live without feeling like this again. 

“Look at you,” Hyunjin said, his heated eyes looking Jeongin over like he was one of his pieces of art. Hyunjin pushed up on one of his elbows so he could look down at Jeongin, eyes dark with hunger and want. “Such a beautiful boy,” he said, voice low and gravelly.  

Jeongin couldn’t hold back a shiver, especially not when the hand under his shirt crept higher, just barely touching the soft tender skin under Jeongin’s chest. Hyunjin’s thumb rubbed teasingly under his pectoral, just under Jeongin’s nipple. Back and forth, maddeningly never moving closer. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin moaned, eyes never straying from his lover’s face. Jeongin had always thought Hyunjin was gorgeous, but now, his hair messy and his lips pink and shiny, courtesy of Jeongin himself, his eyes endlessly dark and full of everything Jeongin desired, he looked more stunning than ever. “Pretty,” Jeongin said, voice light and breathless. 

“You’re prettier,” Hyunjin said with a deadly smirk as he leaned in again. “My beautiful Innie,” he said thumb finally flickering over Jeongin’s nipple. Jeongin’s toes almost curled in on themselves, a sound that was a barely concealed whimper escaping him. Hyunjin grinned, his smile wicked as he did it again, Jeongin moaning as his abdomen tightened. “The sounds you make,” Hyunjin said, almost breathless. “My perfect muse.”

Jeongin narrowed his eyes, his own hand slipping up under Hyunjin’s shirt, hand pressing up against his firm abdomen as he found the belly button piercing that had been haunting his dreams and flicked it.

Hyunjin hissed, surging in on Jeongin and smashing their lips together in a wild kiss. Jeongin moaned, nails digging into Hyunjin’s skin as the other man deepened the kiss. Jeongin’s hand was pressed against Hyunjin’s abdomen, the little stone heating up between them. He sighed as Hyunjin pressed closer, their lower bodies pressing together, and a lightning of pleasure rushed through him, both from the feeling of their bodies this close, but also from the knowledge that Hyunjin wanted him - no, needed him - as much as Jeongin did him. 

“Fuck, Innie, you drive me crazy,” Hyunjin said as he broke the kiss to stare down at Jeongin again. Jeongin couldn’t help but flick Hyunjin’s piercing one last time with his thumb before he allowed his hands to drift over Hyunjin’s abdomen around his waist and to his back, pulling a hiss out of his lover. “Jeongin,” Hyunjin said with a hint of warning in his voice when Jeongin allowed his hand to travel down, hovering just above his lower back.

Jeongin raised his eyebrow in challenge, letting his fingers dip a little lower, just barely touching the hem of Hyunjin's pants. He smiled slyly when Hyunjin inhaled sharply, leaning down to capture Jeongin’s lips again, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth and...

The front door banged open.

“Hi, Innie!” Felix called as the sound of his big puffy jacket being zipped down reached them. 

Jeongin bit back a curse as Hyunjin jumped off him, scrambling to get his clothing in order. Jeongin scooted up, stealing a pillow and placing it on his lap. “Seriously, the bus was stuffed on my way home. I can’t believe this many people are going home right now,” Felix continued on as the sound of his boots hitting the floor announced that he would enter the room soon. Hyunjin ran his hand through his hair, almost throwing himself on the other end of the couch and crossing his legs. 

“What have you been up t- Well, hello there, Hyunjin,” Felix smirked as he took in the two of them. Jeongin tried to look innocent, pressing the pillow in his lap closer without drawing too much attention to… the situation below. Though that was very quickly disappearing from pure embarrassment. “I see you two had a nice afternoon,” he added amused, entering the living room and taking in the appearance of the two.

“We were just talking,” Jeongin said with a cough, eyes flickering to where Hyunjin was trying to look innocent and failing. If his messy hair hadn't been a dead giveaway, then the teeth mark Jeongin had left on his neck definitely was. 

“About something riveting, I'm sure,” Felix grinned knowingly. “I’ll go put my bag down so you can fix your clothing. And, Hyunjin, you might need to make sure you cover those teeth marks for class tomorrow,” he said with a wink as he made his way to his room, before adding under his breath; “It’s always the quiet ones.” 

Jeongin groaned, feeling a little like he wanted to die. He looked at Hyunjin who was busy trying to fix his clothing, buttoning his shirt, and brushing his hair down with his fingers. 

When he felt Jeongin’s eyes on him, he looked up, their eyes meeting for a moment before they both broke into laughter.

“Fuck,” Hyunjin breathed as he inched towards Jeongin, pulling him closer. “Next time we do this at my place, or in your room,” he laughed, hands running through Jeongin’s hair, trying to settle down the messed up strands. 

“At least you were wearing clothing when someone walked in on you this time,” Jeongin quipped, laughing when Hyunjin dove at him, his fingers attacking Jeongin’s ribs mercilessly.

“No, Hyun, that tickles,” he laughed breathlessly, grasping Hyunjin’s shoulder to push him away, digging his fingers into the muscles of his arm. “No, no,” he pleaded, squirming away, tightening his grip. 

“Brat,” Hyunjin huffed, though he did stop his attack on Jeongin. However, he didn’t do anything to move out of Jeongin’s personal space. “Well, no keeping it a secret from Felix… and you seriously left a mark on my neck?” He asked, his hand running up and down his tender skin.

“It should fade… or, I hope it will,” Jeongin said, hand reaching up to gently feel the indentations of his own teeth. They were almost gone, but he had indeed left a red mark on the paler skin. 

“Hmm, sexy,” Hyunjin said with a wiggle of his eyebrow. Jeongin didn’t reply, he just smacked him with the pillow he had used to cover himself. “What, I like it when my lovers mark me. Makes me feel like they want to keep me… claim me,” he said, voice getting a little darker, leaning closer with the obvious intention of capturing Jeongin’s lips in another fiery kiss.

“You’re not as silent as you think you are!” Felix yelled from the room he was still hiding in. Jeongin rolled his eyes, vowing to get revenge the next time Changbin was over. As he went to push Hyunjin off him, the other grabbed his wrist and made Jeongin look up at him with big eyes. 

“Is it okay?” Hyunjin asked in a hushed voice, eyes flickering to where Felix was still hiding as he moved to thread their fingers together. “That Felix knows?” He settled himself properly beside Jeongin, hands still clasped together.

“I would be a bit of a hypocrite if it wasn’t, wouldn’t I?” Jeongin said with a wry smile as he leaned back to stare at Hyunjin. It was a talk they had had in part over the last few days, whether they wanted their relationship to remain hidden for now, or if they wanted to share it with everyone right off the bat. Jeongin didn’t care - or at least willed himself not to care - while Hyunjin was the one wanting to break things a little slower to the others. 

In the end, they had settled on letting those who figured it out, figure it out. They wouldn’t actively hide it, but they wouldn’t proclaim their relationship to the world either, at least not yet.

“You’re not a hypocrite,” Hyunjin sighed. “You’re a person who struggled to find himself, and who is still trying to figure himself out. That takes time,” he breathed in deeply, glancing up at Jeongin. “And if you need us to cool it a bit, I’ll… I’ll cool it,” he finished with a determined expression, squeezing Jeongin’s hand. 

“Did I seem like I wanted to take it slower?” Jeongin said, leaning closer to Hyunjin. He smiled, stealing a peck from his boyfriend - a term that made his stomach swoop. “If I don’t like where things are going, I know how to say no,” Jeongin finished, smiling against Hyunjin’s lips before he pulled back.

“I don’t know how I got so lucky,” Hyunjin sighed as he looked at Jeongin with those soft dark eyes of his. “I'm pretty sure I don’t deserve you.”

“Hmm, I personally think I have rather good taste in men,” Jeongin commented deviously, pulling their joined hands up and kissing them softly. “Don’t diss my boyfriend. I’ll get mad.”

“Yeah, I’ll shut up then,” Hyunjin said with a laugh, crossing his legs again. “I can still remember how much it hurt the last time you got mad at me,” he joked, laughing when Jeongin shoved at his arm. 

“I'm coming out now!” Felix yelled from his room, his shaggy blond head being the first thing popping into the room, followed by his big brown eyes. “You two decent?”

“When weren’t we decent?” Jeongin retorted, glaring mockingly at his friend. “We were fully dressed when you came home. We weren’t even touching.”

“Hmm, somehow I think it would have looked a little different if I had come home ten minutes later,” Felix scoffed, as he stepped into the room, now dressed in one of Changbin’s shirts that hung off his narrow frame. “Poor couch.”

“Yeah, well it’s used to you and Changbin,” Jeongin huffed, his hand stopping Hyunjin from moving away. “Hyunjin is staying for dinner,” he added, not allowing any objections.

“I gathered,” Felix said, dumping himself into the other couch facing them with narrowed eyes. “I’m not having pizza,” was his only comment before he threw himself into a dramatic retelling of his trip home. 

Hyunjin seemed thrown off for a moment, but Jeongin smiled at his roommate because he and Felix were the same. They understood each other even without speaking. With a content sigh, Jeongin settled his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder laughing at Felix’s wild gestures, something warm and happy settling in his stomach.

oOo

Dear God…

Please don’t take anything I think or say to heart when Hyunjin is kissing me.

I really don’t think straight when he’s touching me.

Sorry…

Kinda.

He really is talented at kissing though.

oOo

“So, does this make me look ugly?” Jisung asked, holding up a brightly decorated shirt that looked a little like it had been used to mob up paint and vomit. “I think it might suit me,” Jisung said, twirling around like the shirt was a ball gown, pinching the edges between his fingertips. 

“It makes you look like an idiot,” Minho answered from where he was looking at the black caps - no doubt looking for one to give to Chan for Christmas. 

“You could have at least looked at it,” Jisung complained as he put the ugly t-shirt back in place. “I could have been serious, you know.”

“You’re never serious. Besides, I know you well enough to know that you’re posing with the horrendous tie-dye monstrosity,” Minho said with a wink over his shoulder, laughing when Jisung pouted at him. “You need a new audience, Honey. I’ve seen it all. Nothing can shock me,” Minho teased, turning back to admire the black caps which all looked similar in the eyes of Jeongin. 

“They really have the oddest relationship,” Hyunjin whispered to Jeongin, half-hidden behind a rack of coats so he could hold Jeongin’s hand out of sight. “Like Minho and Chan have something going on, but those two…”

“They’re soulmates,” Jeongin said with a look at his friends who were back to bickering like an old married couple. “I don’t get it either. Sometimes I even wonder if Seungmin and Jisung have something going on too. But hey, whatever works for them, I guess,” Jeongin said with a shrug. 

“Hmm, I’m just glad I have you,” Hyunjin said, looking around before he pulled Jeongin close to kiss his forehead. “All I need,” he said with a fond smile. Jeongin just rolled his eyes, though it was hard not to smile when his stomach fluttered like he had trapped a whole bunch of butterflies inside his ribcage. 

“Sap,” was all Jeongin said as he kept browsing the clothing in front of him. “Go try on that leather jacket I found you. I won't go missing because you’re in the dressing room for five seconds,” he added, shooing Hyunjin away and towards the dressing rooms. 

“I love it when you’re bossy,” Hyunjin laughed before drifting away with the jacket. Jeongin just huffed and walked over to Jisung who was looking at old handbags for some reason. He held out a pink faux leather one with a yellow mushroom stamped on it, indicating a need for Jeongin’s honest opinions on it. The younger one just raised an eyebrow at it. Jisung sighed, putting it down on the display again, shaking his head in defeat.

“You two seem friendly,” Jisung said when Jeongin finally settled in the empty space next to him. “You told him he’s your first crush?” He asked, pretending to be innocent. Jeongin just sighed, knowing there was no point in keeping anything from Jisung. He was too damn perceptive for his own good. 

“Confessed it while I was drunk, apparently,” he said, glaring when Jisung guffawed. “Turned out he didn’t mind,” he added, frowning at some of the gaudy-looking things. He looked up, eyes settling on a big fur coat. Fascinating things this store had in stock.

“Hmm, new beginnings deserve to be honest,” Jisung said in a voice that made him sound like a bad knock-off fortune seer. “Especially if you want it to last. Have you finally discovered the fur coat I wanted you to see?” He asked, looking up with a knowing smirk.

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, walking over and pulling it off the hanger. He held it up in front of him, admiring the view. With a smile, he slipped it on. “It’s pretty cool, but when the hell do you wear something like this?” He asked with a laugh, posing in front of one of the many mirrors.

“What’s up, boss?” Minho asked with a smirk as he walked over to them, a black cap dangling from his fingers. “You look like a mobster, Innie,” he laughed, pulling his phone out and snapping some pictures. “Chan will love this,” Minho muttered. Jisung snickered as he and Jeongin shared a knowing look.

“Innie?” Hyunjin asked, walking over, the leather jacket draped deliciously over his shoulder. “How does it lo- What in the world? I leave you for five seconds and you take over the criminal underworld,” Hyunjin grinned leaning up against the wall the mirror was placed on.

“He just needs to wear this underneath,” Minho added, pulling out a flashy white and black spotted silk shirt. “Then it will be complete.”

“Don't forget sunglasses, you heathens,” Jisung laughed, as Jeongin glared at them.

“Yah,” Jeongin drawled, attempting his best to sound like a mobster to play along with the others. “Who do you think you are, you listless roaches? Get in line, you ungrateful bastards!” He tried really hard not to laugh, but when Hyunjin let out a shrill giggle, almost bending in two as he laughed, Jeongin couldn’t hold back his own grin.

“Amazing,” Minho said, clearly filming him. “The clothes really do maketh the man.”

“It’s a fur coat,” Jeongin laughed, pulling the jacket off. It was a little too warm to wear over his regular winter clothing. He turned his attention to Hyunjin, taking in the sight of his boyfriend dressed in the jacket he had picked out for him. It looked handsome on him, hugging his shoulders just right and making his long arms look inviting. Jeongin wanted to do nothing more than slide his hands underneath the jacket and pull Hyunjin into a hug around his waist. “The jacket looks amazing, Hyun. I told you it would fit perfectly,” he said as he unzipped his jacket and unraveled his scarf, suddenly dying from overheating. 

Beside him, Jisung let out a shrill yell, rushing to pat Jeongin down, clearly searching for something.

“Shit, Innie, did you drop your cross?” Jisung asked concerned eyes already drifting over the floor in a panic. “Fuck, that has got to be crazily expensive.”

“No, it’s fine,” Jeongin said, lifting his hand to his chest, meeting nothing but the soft cotton of his own shirt. Not even against his skin could he feel the metal rub against him. “I’ve stopped wearing my crucifix,” he said with a deep breath. Somehow this was worse to admit than being with Hyunjin. Perhaps it was because he had always known he was a sinner in the eyes of his own faith, but he had never thought he would have ended up abandoning it completely. 

Even if Jeongin hadn’t abandoned God, it sometimes felt like he had abandoned his own upbringing… and that hurt. 

“It didn’t feel right to wear anymore,” Jeongin said, leaving it at that. He knew he should just say he had converted, that he had found a place where his faith and his sexuality could co-exist, but it just didn’t feel right. Not yet. “Still having a crisis of faith,” he said, eyes on his own shoes. 

“Fair,” Jisung said with an understanding smile. “Whatever makes you happy,” he added, taking the big fur coat and hanging it back where he found it. “You want to go grab some coffee?” He asked, his distraction a welcome gift. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin said with a smile. “I’d love that.”

“Good, get Hyunie’s stuff and we’ll meet at the till,” he said, clapping Jeongin on the shoulder and jumping over to Minho who was looking at Jeongin with kind eyes. Thankfully he didn’t say anything, just nodded at Jeongin and followed after Jisung.

Jeongin turned, meeting Hyunjin’s sad eyes.

“Did you take it off for me?” Hyunjin asked, almost hesitantly. He bit his lip, eyes falling to the floor. “Because you didn't have to, you know. I wouldn't want you to change that part of yourself for me,” Hyunjin added, hands fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie.

“I took it off because it was more a symbol of my parents and their faith than of my own,” Jeongin said with a shrug, walking closer. He took Hyunjin’s hand and lifted it so he could press it against his heart, right where his crucifix used to rest. “I don’t need a crucifix to prove my faith. I don’t need to carry it around to feel God’s love, and, Hyunjin, I like you, a lot, but even you can not erase my faith in God,” he said as he pulled Hyunjin’s fingers up to kiss them, smiling gently at him.

“I am a devout Christian, I will always be. I don’t care if you don’t believe anymore, or if your faith doesn't require you to follow the preaching of Christ. I like you, and no religion will ever change that,” Jeongin said as he looked directly into Hyunjin’s eyes. “I know you’d never ask me to change because I would never ask you to change. I took the crucifix off because it felt so much like an old and broken part of me. It reminded me of how the Catholic Church sees our love as a sin, as something wrong… And that isn’t right, Hyun,” he continued, his free hand reaching up to touch Hyunjin’s face, stroking softly over the apple of his cheek. 

“What we have isn’t a sin,” Jeongin said, trying to fill his words with as much sincerity as he could muster. Because he needed Hyunjin to know he didn't feel like that anymore, and never really had. Jeongin needed Hyunjin to know he wasn’t scared. “What we have is good, it is beautiful, and it’s a gift from God. Anyone who says differently is lying, and that crucifix was my last tie to a path that would rather see me miserable than happy. They use the word of God to control us, to condemn us on His behalf even though that isn’t in their power.” 

Jeongin took a deep breath, thumb stroking Hyunjin’s cheek as he just watched Jeongin patiently. 

By God’s grace, Jeongin was so lucky to get Hyunjin back in his life. That was the only miracle Jeongin had really needed to have his faith confirmed. His own miracle of Lazarus. 

“I believe in God, but not in a God who’d hate me for loving. I believe He led us back together. He made sure that in this huge city we were lucky enough to find each other. He led me to the Protestant church so I could learn how His words can be misused, and I was given a new family in my friends so I could learn what love really was,” Jeongin said, a bright smile breaking free on his face. “And I was given you, back from the dead, to cherish for the rest of my life. How can I not believe, Hyunjin?”

“What if I’m never able to go to church with you? If I'm not able to be with you in your faith?” Hyunjin asked, eyes guarded as he looked down at Jeongin. “If God was used as a punishment to the point where my faith cracked and I’m not able to go back?”

“Then I will like you all the same,” Jeongin said with a smile, reaching up to kiss Hyunjin’s cheek. “Besides, I heard from Doyun that outdoor weddings are all the rave. He has married people in all sorts of places. Parks, the forest, the beach. Protestants get married here, there and everywhere,” he added teasingly. 

“And if we can’t get married?” Hyunjin asked, lifting an eyebrow. Jeongin felt giddy by the thought of maybe marrying Hyunjin. “This is South Korea. We’d never be accepted. At least not yet.”

“Then we’ll get married overseas, or we’ll just live in sin for the rest of our lives,” Jeongin shrugged. It wasn't a deal-breaker by any means. He hadn't jumped into this without knowing what he was doing. “I’m sure I will be able to swing it with God later. He will understand how troublesome bureaucracy can be sometimes.” 

“You’re really something,” Hyunjin said, shoulders relaxing like a stone was removed from his shoulders. 

“Religion isn’t a shackle. If it is, then something is wrong,” Jeongin said, caressing Hunjin’s face softly. “I learned that the hard way. My crucifix was becoming a shackle. So it needed to go. One day I might buy a regular cross. It might make me stand out a little less in the church as well, but until then I don't need to show my faith, because I know where I stand,” he finished, and pulled away, letting his hands travel to rest on Hyunjin’s shoulders.

“Now, hand over that jacket so I can buy it for you for Christmas,” Jeongin said, peeling the leather off Hyunjin’s frame. “You remember nothing,” he added with a hard look at Hyunjin who was still just staring at him with an unreadable look in his eyes. “What?” Jeongin asked, confused when Hyunjin just kept staring at him.

“You’re amazing,” was all Hyunjin said, reaching out and pulling Jeongin into his arms. “I don’t deserve you.”

“But you do,” Jeongin said with conviction as he wrapped his own arms around Hyunjin. “If you hadn’t deserved me, you wouldn’t have gotten me.”

And it really was that simple. They deserved each other, and they deserved to be happy. 

“Fuck,” Hyunjin breathed, holding Jeongin closer. Jeongin didn’t say anything when he felt a few tears dampen his hair. 

“I know what I agreed to, Hyun,” Jeongin whispered into Hyunjin’s ear. “I know what I'm leaving behind, and what I'm accepting. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it and I'm worth it. God loves us, even when we don’t believe. We were just shit unlucky to be born into a free world where God can’t interfere too much, and where His words are being used to cause harm to others. It has nothing to do with us, and even if we both grew up thinking we’re sinners, it’s a lie. It’s a lie our parents told us because they couldn’t admit they were wrong.”

“I wish I could have your faith,” Hyunjin muttered, pulling away. His eyes were a little red, but it wasn’t too bad. Nothing Jeongin could explain away by dust in case Jisung asked too many questions. 

“That's why I have enough for the both of us,” Jeongin said with a smile. “It hasn’t been easy to get here, Hyun, but I know now I can love God and still be me. I can be with you and still be loved by God. It was always an option," he said as he reached up and kissed Hyunjin chastely on the mouth. "Now, go get your things."

Hyunjin looked at Jeongin like he wanted to say something, but in the end, he just bit his lip, nodding as he turned around to get his things. As promised, Jeongin bought the jacket and had it wrapped. Thankfully, neither Jisung nor Minho said anything when they finally exited the second-hand shop, instead, they just dragged them to the nearest café, not even a questioning look in sight.

Jeongin held Hyunjin’s hand the whole time, even when a few older ladies gave them weird looks. In the end, it didn’t hurt as much as Jeongin had feared. 

After all, with Hyunjin at his side, he felt like he could do anything.

With Hyunjin he felt whole for the first time in years like he was finally complete.

oOo

Dear God…

I think I love him…

No, I know, I love him

Thank you, for making my heart big enough for all this

Thank you for giving him to me

For letting me love him

oOo

“I really don’t get how you make sense out of this,” Changbin said as he frowned down at Jeongin’s homework. “What does half of these letters even mean?” He added, tilting his head as if he hoped that it would make more sense if he did so. 

“It’s constants and stand-ins for numbers I haven’t calculated yet,” Jeongin explained as he punched numbers in on his calculator. His head was already hurting a little. “And sometimes I doubt there is any sense in it at all,” he said with a deep sigh as he got the wrong result for the second time. There had to be something he was missing. 

“Innie is so clever,” Hyunjin said, voice brimming with pride as he looked at Jeongin. Jeongin looked up, raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend. “There is nothing he can’t do,” he added and Jeongin couldn’t help but get a little flustered at the praise. It reminded him a little too much of how Hyunjin would praise him while they were making out. 

“What about the novel analysis you had to do?” Seungmin asked, looking up from his own homework. He looked eager and Jeongin couldn’t hold back a smile as he dug through his bag for a brief moment before pulling out a book and handing it to Seungmin who accepted with both hands. “Finished it yesterday. You can have it.”

“Thank you,” Seungmin sang, already leafing through the pages. “Wait, isn’t it due in like a week?” He asked, sharp eyes settling on Jeongin.

“It is, but it was fun so I finished it early,” Jeongin said, looking at his numbers again. He poked at Changbin’s elbow and realized he had forgotten half a calculation. No wonder it had been wrong before. “Once I started tearing it apart I couldn’t stop. So, I just finished it. Now you get your book faster,” he added, mind currently on his numbers than anything else. 

He just wanted to be done.

“Have you ever considered changing your major to literature?” Seungmin asked, making Jeongin look up from his calculator. “You seem to enjoy it a lot and you’re good at it.”

Jeongin bit his lips returning to his calculations.

“It would be a bit of a waste, wouldn’t it?” He said, wincing as he heard the echo of his father’s in his words. “I mean, I’ve been studying a whole year to become an engineer, and I’ve already selected my subjects for next semester,” Jeongin hurriedly added, never once looking up. 

“You got a scholarship because of your insane grades, Innie.” Jisung said, not taking his eyes away from Jeongin’s Bible he was leafing through for whatever reason. Jeongin assumed it was because of Jisung’s need for knowledge, his desire to fill every possible corner of his brain with information, whether futile or fruitful. 

If Jeongin remembered correctly, Jisung hadn’t grown up in a religious home, so to be able to dip his inexperienced fingers into a pot of unfamiliar insight, to encounter a new perception, and to experience it on his own would definitely be more than enough encouragement for him to get his hands on a religious text. Jeongin’s Bible just so happened to be the one laying the closest to Jisung’s hungry mind. 

“Perhaps you should follow your heart, and put that money to use on something that makes you happy instead of something that is slowly killing you,” Jisung added with a sigh, placing the book carefully and respectfully down on his lap. 

Jeongin didn’t have to look up to know the hands on his shoulder were Hyunjin’s.

“Jisung,” Minho said, a tint of warning to his words. “Not now,” he added, and Jeongin felt like shit. Because they were right. He was doing something wrong by continuing to pursue studies in a field he didn't like.

He was already a sinner in his parents' eyes; He had barely talked to his mom the last three weeks, had barely replied to his brothers' insistent inquiries about his health, and, well, with all the kissing he and Hyunjin had been doing, Jeongin would most likely have to spend a whole year reciting Our Father on repeat if he wanted to get into Father Kim’s good graces again… and yet, Jeongin had never been happier.

He was happy when he got home from school, and could text Hyunjin, and have dinner with Felix. He was happy when he could lock himself into Chan’s apartment to hang out on his bed and do homework while he listened to the other man’s song. He was happy when he and Seungmin spent hours alone on Fridays, just reading books and doing homework while they talked, and he was happy to finally be back at the gym with Changbin. Jeongin was happy he got to hang out with Jisung for hours, shopping for second-hand clothing, and was happy he could eat with Minho two times a week. 

Jeongin was happy.

Except when he got up in the morning, a whole day of lectures looming like a dark cloud in front of him. 

“I already signed up for coursework for next term,” Jeongin said, his voice small as the numbers on the page got a little blurry. He wasn’t sure why it was so hard to admit that his friends were right, but somehow converting had been easier. Perhaps because that was a spiritual matter, and this wasn’t. 

Jeongin could keep his religion hidden, put on his crucifix and rosary ring, and he would be the good Catholic son his parents had raised. He could keep every rebellious and catholically sinful side of himself out of sight, by simply not acknowledging it in the presence of his parents, or by taking on his old mask. However, doing that would make him a liar, and regardless of religion, Jeongin wasn’t sure how comfortable he felt lying about that. He had already spent years tormenting himself in secret over his sexuality, and that had done more harm than good. 

His education was the last piece of Jeongin’s life his parents had still decided. All other bridges had been burned, silently and out of sight, but if Jeongin went against his parents this vocally, there would be no going back. His parents would know of his sins, of his changed mind, and of how much he had strayed from them. 

They would be mad. 

Disappointed. 

Shameful. 

They might punish him for disobeying them, and as much comfort and peace Jeongin had found in his new way of living - no matter how much happiness he found here - Jeongin was scared of how his parents might react if they found out.  

“You can easily change that,” Felix added, his voice kinder than the others. “But only if you want to,” he added when Jeongin just kept staring at his calculator. 

The others didn’t understand. They could do whatever they wanted, they had been allowed to go down their own path, with or without their parent’s blessing because they weren’t afraid. But Jeongin was terrified of the outcome if he broke free from his parents. Even if he didn’t want to, he could play the part of the obedient son to an extent. He wanted to tell them about his newfound self, but he also knew that the outcome would be unexpected. 

Jeongin didn’t know if he was ready for the unexpected. 

“Innie,” Hyunjin said softly, sliding off the couch so he could lean his chest up against Jeongin’s back, draping his long limbs all over him and wrapping him into a tight hug. Jeongin couldn’t hold back a sigh as he melted into his boyfriend. “It’s okay,” he said, chin hooking over Jeongin’s shoulder.

“I’ll think about it.” That was all Jeongin said, blinking heavily to get the blurriness out of his eyes. The others thankfully seemed to get the memo that Jeongin was done talking about his degree and went back to their casual conversations. 

Hyunjin remained around Jeongin, holding him close and petting his stomach over the fabric of his hoodie, and he couldn’t help but smile a little as he continued working. For someone who didn’t want to make their relationship known, Hyunjin was doing a very poor job. Jeongin hadn’t missed how Chan kept looking at them with a smirk, nor had he missed how Changbin snickered at their closeness. 

Jeongin didn’t care, at the moment he was pretty sure the only thing keeping him together was because he could feel Hyunjin plastered to his side. He tuned the others out while he finished the last of his assignment. Exams were a little over a week away, and if he didn't get into the groove of solving these types of equations he would be well and truly fucked. 

“What the hell is this even?!” Jisung suddenly exclaimed, making all of them look up from their respective homework and conversations. “Some kids called a dude baldie and he got God to fucking maul them with two bears? The fuck is this kind of ego that’s being promoted here!?” 

“Seriously?” Changbin asked, looking up from the notebook he had been steadily scribbling in to look at Felix and Jeongin. “Your God promotes child mauling?” 

“Don’t look at me,” Felix said with a shrug. “We do the new testament more in my parents’ church. Unless Jesus said it, we don’t adhere to it, except if my pastor could use it to hit me upside the head with how bad of a person I was. Heard the ‘man must not lie with another man like a woman, that is an abomination’ a lot,” he added with a forced eye roll.

Jeongin didn’t miss the touch of hurt in his voice. 

“Elisha, the bald guy in question, was for some reason on God’s friend list, though it doesn’t make much sense,” Jeongin said with a sigh as he finally finished the last calculation. “And technically, that story doesn’t have too much to do with Christianity as we are in a new pact with Jesus. It’s the old testament and part of the Torah. The rules there shouldn’t apply to Christians. Hence the whole men can’t be together is void from that alone,” Jeongin said with a small smile at Felix. It was perhaps a small comfort, but to Jeongin it had meant a lot when Doyun had mentioned that part to him.

“Besides, there are some doubts about the translation of that bit, Felix, and many actually mean it refers to incest and not to homosexual relationships,” Jeongin added with a shrug. “Meaning that if you really look at it, as long as you’re not related, God doesn't mind men being together enough to make rules about it. Sexual depravity is a no-go, but wholesome loving relationships are not banned anywhere. Even sexual ones,” he added trying not to blush. So what if he had been doing a little more thorough research as of lately? He needed to know how far he could actually allow himself to go without actively sinning now that he had Hyunjin by his side. 

Hyunjin tightened his hold around his waist, sneaking in a hidden kiss on Jeongin’s neck from where he had tucked his head.

“Well, my favorite part,” Jisung said, looking oddly proud of the piece of knowledge he was about to share. “Was the law about women not being able to defend their husbands by grabbing the attacker’s genitals with their hands without having said hand cut off. Seems oddly specific if you ask me,” Jisung said amused, eyes returning to the pages. “What I personally like about this tale, in particular, is how you seemed to have marked this as dumb when you were younger,” Jisung laughed as he narrowed his eyes to read the tiny lines of notes Jeongin had written in the margins when he was a child; “‘I still wonder why vanity is a sin if being called bald makes you this mad, and God still helps you out ’,” he read out loud, in his best rendition of a younger Jeongin’s voice. 

“He really wrote that?” Changbin asked, looking at Jeongin with a smile. “Fuck, that’s funny.” 

“Yeah, look,” Jisung said, sitting up in a rush, hands flying as he reached out to Changbin, the black Bible swinging right past Jeongin’s face. 

He couldn't stop the violent flinch from tearing through him, a weakly whimpered “ don’t ” unwillingly leaving his throat as he threw himself backward, so hard he almost knocked Hyunjin into the couch. His eyes were wide in panic, heart beating hard in his chest as he stared in absolute terror at the black book, still in Jisung’s hand, the echo of pain rushing through him.

The whole room froze, eyes turning to Jeongin’s trembling form. 

“Shit, Innie, are you okay?” Jisung asked, putting the Bible back down and jumping off the couch. “Did I hit you?” He asked with concern dripping from his words. Jeongin didn’t mean to, but he flinched again as the book hit the table. 

“I'm fine,” Jeongin croaked, voice a little off. Hyunjin touched his shoulder and Jeongin shivered, his skin feeling like ants were crawling all over him. He tried very hard not to, but he could feel how he was breathing a little faster. “Sorry,” he muttered, closing his eyes as he focused on just breathing, nails digging into his palms. He tried to reach for his crucifix, but when he found his neck empty a flash of relief went through him. It wasn’t enough to calm him down, just enough to pull him back from the past.

His father wasn’t here. He couldn’t hurt him.

“Innie?” Chan asked, his voice dark with anger and concern. “Why did you think Jisung was going to hit you?”

“I didn’t,” Jeongin quickly said, forcing his lungs to relax. He still felt itchy and wrong, but at least the panic was residing. Nothing hurt, he hadn't been hit. He hadn’t been hit. His father wasn’t even here. Jeongin wasn’t home. He was in Seoul. He wasn’t with his parents. If he just kept repeating it his brain might finally get a hold of his body and make it realize it as well. “Just happens sometimes. My head was a little too fast,” he added with a trembling sigh accompanied by a weak laugh as he tried to ease the tension in the room. When Hyunjin touched him this time he jumped a little before he relaxed into the touch, suddenly feeling tired.

“Jeongin, has someone hit you?” Chan asked carefully, anger still tinting his words. Jeongin couldn’t hold back a shiver when he huddled into Hyunjin’s chest. 

“I... No - It wasn’t really hitting,” he mumbled so quietly, Hyunjin had to repeat it for the others.

“What does that mean, Jeongin?” Seungmin asked, reaching out a hand to pull a shaken Jisung back into his seat. 

“It doesn’t mean anything, it was nothing out of the ordinary that happened,” Jeongin said, curling closer to Hyunjin who in return tightened his hold. He didn’t like the way they were looking at him. Like he had done something wrong.

“The ordinary?” Chan breathed, looking at Jeongin with hurt eyes as if he was the one who had been hit. “What do you mean with that, Innie?”

“It’s nothing,” Jeongin said, gripping Hyunjin’s hands splayed on his stomach as if that would somehow keep him grounded. He didn’t want to be there at the moment, and to be fair he wanted to beat himself up for having reacted in the way he did. He should have known better than to flinch in the presence of his friends. Now they were worried over something they shouldn’t even have been aware of. Jeongin felt guilty.

His father had always said that he was overreacting. That Jeongin was too soft. Too naive. Too emotional. That he made a fuss out of things he shouldn’t. And here he was, worrying all his friends over things they shouldn’t be worrying over. He bit his lip, eyes falling to the floor.

“Innie, please,” Hyunjin whispered in his ear, his breath tickling his cheek. “You don’t need to hide anything. Please tell us. I need to know,” he added, voice tight with something that sounded suspiciously like repressed anger. 

Jeongin wanted to hide.

“I…” Jeongin shivered. Hyunjin held him close, silently urging him to speak. Jeongin knew that if he didn’t want to elaborate, he could just say so. It might make the others uneasy if he didn’t speak, but he knew they wouldn’t hold it against him. But on the same side, if he allowed this to remain unspoken, the others might paint horrifying scenarios in their mind about him, and he didn’t want that. They deserved to get the full picture of him.

“My father used to beat the word of God into me when I was younger,” Jeongin admitted, shuddering slightly as the memories rushed through him, the fear, the pain, the hurt. “Like nothing terrible. He stopped when I was, like, sixteen,” he added, trying to sound nonchalant but failing horribly. 

When he finally forced his eyes open, everyone was staring at him in shock.

“What?” Jeongin quivered, fear trickling into his words as he looked around at his friend. He couldn’t help but worry that he had done something wrong. Not even Hyunjin’s tightening hold was enough to completely calm him. “Did I do something wrong?” He asked fearfully, voice frail in the eerily silent room. 

“No, no,” Minho hurried to say, leaning forward, hand holding on to Chan’s so tight his knuckles turned white. “You didn’t do anything wrong at all,” he hurried to say, breathing in deeply. “How… How often did your father hit you?”

“Erhh… not often,” Jeongin said, a little confused as Hyunjin shakily exhaled deeply into the nape of his neck. “Maybe once a month when I was a kid, less and less as I grew up and understood that I was wrong. He only did it when I was really bad though… like when… When I questioned the Bible, or… Or when I wouldn’t stop crying because I thought Hyunjin was dead.” 

He regretted saying it almost immediately as he felt Hyunjin’s arms tighten around him like a vice.

“It was for my own good,” Jeongin said, looking at his hands in his lap. “The Bible tells us to respect our parents, so when I talked back at them or didn’t obey them, he felt it was the right punishment.”

“Did he hit your brothers as well?” Minho asked, voice shaking slightly.

“Not as often… I was a difficult child. Never listened, cried too much, got upset about everything,” he said, looking up to glance around the room. Changbin looked furious, the same as Seungmin. Felix and Jisung looked a little like they wanted to throw up, and Chan… Chan wouldn’t even look up from where he was staring at his hands. “I wasn’t that disobedient. It wasn’t like he tortured me,” Jeongin said with a small and forced smile. 

“I need some air,” Changbin said, shooting up from the floor and walking out into Minho’s kitchen, the sound of the window bursting open following soon after. 

“I’ll just go,” Felix said, gesturing to where his boyfriend had disappeared, rushing after him. 

“What?” Jeongin asked, eyes flickering back to Minho confused, panic slowly growing inside of him. “What is wrong? You told me I didn’t do anything wrong, so why are they acting like I did?” Jeongin asked, panic clear in his voice.

Minho rushed to his side, stealing his hand out of his lap, and held it close to himself. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Jeongin. Nothing at all,” he said carefully, clearly thinking deeply about his words before he continued. He threaded his fingers with Jeongin’s, and for a brief moment he caught Hyunjin’s eyes, before he returned his focus to Jeongin’s. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Chan and Changbin are just frustrated and angry, not at you, but because you got hurt and they couldn’t help you. They’re frustrated at themselves because someone hurt you, and they couldn’t prevent that.”

“But they didn’t even know me when it last happened,” Jeongin said defensively. “Besides, it's not like my father hurt me. It is normal for parents to discipline their child.”

“Jeongin,” Hyunjin said, voice strangled and wet with the hint of tears. “It’s not normal to hit your kids. It’s actually illegal to hit them in several places in the world. And it’s never okay to do, even if your kids are troublesome.”

“But,” Jeongin said, trembling. “It’s his right. As the man of the house, he gets to set the rules. He gets to decide what is right and wrong,” Jeongin hurried to say, tears stinging in his eyes. “‘He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him ’,” Jeongin quoted, his free hand reaching up to softly pat Hyunjin’s arm. “And I really wasn't a good child when I was younger,” he added, only managing to make Minho look angrier. 

“Look, Jeongin, you should never grow up afraid of your parents,” Minho said, shoulders relaxing slowly, almost like he had to force them down. “Hitting your child can lead to a whole range of issues when they grow up. It’s not right. No one here is mad at you, we’re mad that someone hurt someone we love. That someone hurt you .”

“But…” Jeongin wanted to object, to defend his parents, but the more he searched for arguments the more lost he felt. It wasn't that he didn’t know all of this. He wasn’t blind. But it was only bad parents who abused their kids, and Jeongin didn’t have bad parents. They were wrong and had done wrong things, but he believed they had always done so out of love. Never out of hate. Jeongin truly believed that.

When his father used to hit him with his Bible, he never looked at him afterward. He always blamed Jeongin for making him do it, for not understanding the Lord's word well enough not to misbehave, and had looked mad that Jeongin had left him no other choice. 

Sure, it had heavily escalated briefly after Hyunjin ‘died’ when Jeongin hadn’t been able to handle his grief, but it stopped again the moment Jeongin started to pretend he was fine. The moment Jeongin returned to being normal. 

“No buts, Jeongin,” Chan said, voice simmering with anger as he looked up, eyes almost pitch black with furry. Jeongin couldn't hold back a shiver. “There are no excuses. You never hit a kid. Never. Hitting you was his choice, and don’t you dare put it on yourself. You were a kid, he was an adult. Hitting you was his choice. He is to blame. Fully and wholly.”

“You are never ever fucking going back there again,” Changbin sneered, stomping back into the room, fists clenched like he was ready for a fight. “I am not letting them have you. They can fucking fight me. Assholes.”

“Binne,” Felix said with a soft sigh, wrapping his arms around him. “Easy, I don’t think getting angry will help.”

“This makes too much sense,” Seungmin finally said, face pale as he reached out to softly touch Jeongin’s hair. “It’s okay. We won’t let him hurt you again,” Seungmin said, sliding to the floor so he could embrace Hyunjin and Jeongin. 

“He hasn’t hit me in years,” Jeongin said, looking up at Minho with wide eyes. 

“But they hurt you in other ways, don't they?” Minho said with a soft, knowing smile. “No one is telling you to hate your parents. We’re just telling you they were wrong. You say they misunderstand the word of God when they talk about homosexuality. Maybe they’ve misinterpreted it when the Bible talks about hitting your kids and controlling them,” he said, words sounding so damn logical Jeongin was a little upset he hadn’t thought it himself.

“Oh,” was all Jeongin could reply, Jisung smiling weakly.

“Exactly,” Jisung said, though he still looked a little like he wanted to either hit something or throw up. “And I won’t swing Bibles near your head anymore,” he said, clearly attempting to sound funny and aloof as always but falling terribly flat.

“You couldn’t know,” Jeongin said, sighing as Seungmin kept stroking his hair. 

“Hmm, well if you ever need it, Seungmin and I know how to hide a body,” Jisung said, his smile a little less brittle this time.

“Do I want to know?” Jeongin asked, exasperated as he looked at his friends, his heart feeling a little too soft and overfilled with love. 

“Devious mastermind,” Jisung said as he pointed to Seungmin.

“Nerd and strange youtube addict,” Seungmin said, finger turning in Jisung’s direction. 

“Comforting,” Jeongin smiled, leaning back into Hyunjin’s arms, worry beginning to build when Hyunjin remained silent, head buried in Jeongin’s shoulder. 

“Get a little further in your newfound authorhood and you’ll realize how sus your browsing history will become,” Jisund said as he lifted his head in challenge. “Besides, you should never knock on an unsolved murder case. Some of those are freaky as hell,” he added.

“So are you, dear,” Minho quipped with a small smile. “Now, I call an end to all homework,” Minho said, his free hand going through his hair. “Chan, go put some cold water on your face,” he added a little softer when Chan just stared at Jeongin with dark eyes. 

“Felix, I think you need to fix your men in the kitchen,” Minho sighed when Chan didn’t say anything, just got up and marched to the kitchen, a loud crash following. “And please make sure I don’t have a hole in my wall,” he added with a wince.

“I’ll do my best,” Felix said, dragging Changbin after him into the kitchen again. Jeongin winched when a few cupboards slammed open and shut but one hard reprimand in English from Felix seemed to settle the noise. 

“I didn’t mean to ruin the night,” Jeongin said with a sigh. 

“You didn’t,” Minho said with a reassuring smile, getting up from the floor. “But we’re having fried chicken, fries, and all the junk food I can order,” he added with a sigh, tilting his head and smiling at Jeongin. “You just have to accept getting petted for the rest of eternity, I'm afraid.”

“I can live with that,” Jeongin said as he leaned back into Hyunjin’s embrace. “You okay, Hyun?” He asked, cheek against the top of Hyunjin’s head. 

“I'm sorry,” Hyunjin said, voice broken and wet. “I made you get hurt,” he said, shaking slightly as he held on to Jeongin. Jeongin’s heart broke when he felt a tear run down his neck, a sad sniffle following shortly after.

“Hyun,” Jeongin sighed, heart heavy as he broke free of the back hug, turning so he could embrace Hyunjin fully - if perhaps a bit awkwardly. “You didn’t hurt me. You were here, alone and kicked out by your parents. How were you even supposed to know I was sad?” He said exasperated as he sneaked a kiss onto Hyunjin’s temple. 

“He hit you,” Hyunjin said, hand clawing at Jeongin’s back. “How can you just be okay with that?” He asked, a hint of anger sneaking into his voice.

“I don’t know,” Jeongin said, lifting his hand to stroke through Hyunjin’s hair. His roots were really standing out now, a shiny glossy black to offset the unnaturally pale blond. “I… That’s just how I was raised. I’d never hit anyone myself, but it’s just normal for my father to discipline,” he said with an awkward shrug. 

“I don’t want you back there,” Hyunjin mumbled, pulling away. Even with red eyes and hatred in his eyes, he was beautiful. “They can’t have you,” he said and Jeongin’s heart jumped. 

“They won't,” Jeongin said as he reached up to push some of his lover’s hair behind his ears. “I'm all yours now. None of you can get rid of me. There is not an ounce of my parents' son left in me,” he said, knowing it wasn't even a baseless truth. Sometimes he didn’t even recognize who he used to be.

“And thank God for that,” Seungmin said with a wink at Jeongin. “We like this Innie much better.”

“Yeah, and we won't share,” Jisung said, draping himself over Jeongin. “Don’t cry for the past, Hyunie, cheer for the future,” he added with a soft smile.

“Words to live by,” Seungmin said, giving Jisung one of those oddly soft smiles that always made Jeongin curious about them. “Now, let’s go see if there is any kitchen left and what the others want to eat.”

“Order twice as much chicken as Chan says he can eat,” Jeongin called after them when the three of them left the room leaving him alone with Hyunjin. Jeongin didn’t miss how they all smiled knowingly at each other, and Jeongin wondered if he should tell Hyunjin everyone already knew they were a couple. 

“Yes, boss,” Minho called over his shoulder, leaving them alone and surrounded by papers and abandoned homework. 

“Hyun,” Jeongin said softly, knowing the words weren’t lost between the thin walls of the apartment. “Please,” Jeongin said, not completely sure what he was asking for. His reply came in the form of a hard bruising kiss, Hyunjin’s lips burning as he pulled Jeongin close, biting his lower lip as he deepened it. Hyunjin claimed Jeongin, bared his soul, and stole a piece of it for himself. 

Jeongin could only hold on, heart beating wildly.

“I'm never letting anyone touch you again,” Hyunjin whispered, creating an unbreakable vow. “You’re never fucking letting them fuck with your head again. I'm not having it. They don’t deserve you, and you’re not going back there ever again,” he said, words hard. Jeongin could only smile, cupping his face gently. 

“I'm here now, aren’t I?” Jeongin said with a smile. He knew he could promise Hyunjin to never see his family, could vow to stay in Seoul till the day he died, and give him a thousand empty promises, but that wasn't Jeongin. He knew who he was, and he knew he had to confront his parents if he wanted a chance to keep them in his life. And he wanted them to be a part of his future. “At the end of the day, I’ll always be here. I’ll always pick you. I’ll always pick this family,” he said hoping that at least was enough.

Because Jeongin knew he had to go back. When he would find the courage he wasn’t sure, but he knew he had no choice but to face his family. He wanted to tell them of his conversion of faith, of his growth… of Hyunjin. Jeongin didn’t want to live a life in hiding, didn’t want to have two lives, one in Busan and another in Seoul. He deserved better, he knew that now. 

And he deserved a goodbye, to see his home one last time. To live the sweet lie of his previous life one last time if his parents couldn’t accept him.

“Only carry your own cross,” Jeongin said, leaning in to softly kiss Hyunjin’s lips. “Don’t carry the guilt that isn’t yours.”

“I really don’t deserve you,” Hyunjin sighed, though his eyes were getting lighter as the anger evaporated slowly. 

“Stop it,” Jeongin said, untangling himself so he could pull both of them to the couch instead. Hyunjin didn’t even hesitate as he laid down, covering Jeongin like a blanket and pressing him into the couch, his heart against Jeongin’s. “We deserve each other,” he said, entwining their fingers together tightly. 

One thing Jeongin knew for sure was that he wasn’t ever letting go of Hyunjin’s hands. Not when he had finally gotten the piece of himself he had lost back.

He blew his hair out of his eyes, reaching up to mess with the long locks. It was much too long compared to how he used to keep it, but he kind of liked that it fell into his eyes a little bit. And well, Felix kept saying it looked nice, and if Felix said he liked it then it couldn’t be all bad. 

Jeongin exhaled deeply as he walked over to his dresser picking up his crucifix. It felt oddly heavy as it settled around his neck. He looked at his rosary ring and then down to his fingers where there was barely a line anymore. 

For so many years he had carried it around and had felt it was an important and integrated part of him, but now it just felt like any other piece of jewelry. He picked it up and rolled it around between his fingers before he put it down again. 

He wasn’t regretting his choice. 

“Innie?” Hyunjin called as the door opened. Jeongin let a smile break out on his face as he turned around, slipping into the living room to greet Hyunjin. 

 His breath caught when he saw the other. 

Jeongin knew this wasn't a date. It was just them hanging out as usual, but because they had been busy they had barely seen each other the whole week and Jeongin had missed Hyunjin. 

He had really missed him.

A week, as it turned out, was just enough to make Jeongin forget how stunning Hyunjin was. 

His hair was peeking out from under his beanie, but that only meant his face was framed sharply by the black fabric. He was wearing makeup again; golden shades accentuated his eyes, a heavy line of black making them look more alluring than ever, pulling Jeongin into them, once again letting himself get lost within those brown eyes. The cold had made his cheeks blushingly pink and his lips shone from his lip balm. 

Jeongin wanted to run over and jump into his arms, kiss Hyunjin till his lips were puffy and Jeongin was all the other man would ever be able to think of. 

But he stayed put, smiling shyly, because it wasn’t a date.

“You look really nice,” Jeongin finally said, the odd tension in the room having built up until it was almost unbearable. And Hyunjin was indeed dressed nicer than he normally was when they met up. He was wearing a long trench coat - black, of course - and a royal blue scarf wrapped around his neck. Jeongin could vaguely see slacks that ended in a pair of neat ankle boots with silver buckles.

Jeongin suddenly felt underdressed in his sweater and slack combo, knowing he only had his plain black winter boots to stick his feet into. 

“So do you,” Hyunjin said almost shyly, his eyes slowly traveling up Jeongin’s body, lingering just a second on the crucifix before his gaze reached Jeongin’s eyes. “You ready?”

“Yeah, I just need my coat,” he said, stepping closer. He clapped his back pocket to make sure he had his wallet and stepped into the entryway to pull on his shoes. As the hall was very slim, he was pressed uncomfortably close to Hyunjin and he almost fainted as he took in the scent of him. He wasn’t wearing his usual cologne, but some deeper and darker... And almost more expensive. “Wow, you smell nice,” Jeongin blurted before he managed to stop himself. 

“Thanks,” Hyunjin said with a small laugh, though it wasn’t hard to miss how his cheeks flushed pink. “It’s nice, right? It was a gift from my aunt for my birthday. I only use it for special occasions.” 

Jeongin bit the inside of his cheek as he kept chanting ‘it’s not a date’ inside his head. He hoped if he said it enough times that he would eventually start believing it. 

“It’s lovely,” Jeongin said, happy he could hide his face in his scarf as he pulled his heavy peacoat on - the only nice-looking jacket he owned, that wasn’t something he had worn to church. “I'm ready,” he said, pulling a pair of leather gloves on and looking up at Hyunjin. 

He shouldn’t have because standing this close and looking up meant their faces were way too close and Jeongin once again wanted to lean in closer. The memory of the two kisses they had already shared made his blood warm. 

“Good, let’s go,” Hyunjin said, opening the door for Jeongin, offering his arm as they let the door slam closed behind them. “I have so many plans for today,” Hyunjin added with a wide smile as he dragged Jeongin down the hallway and towards the stairs.

oOo

“This is amazing,” Jeongin said, leaning closer into Hyunjin’s space to snatch another piece of tteok. The spicy sauce prickled on his tongue, but it helped heat him up from the inside. “Why haven't you taken me here before?” Jeongin chided, steam leaving his mouth as he spoke. 

He hummed happily, stealing more tteok from the cup Hyunjin was holding. 

“It is just a bit out of the way,” Hyunjin laughed as he playfully poked at Jeongin with his skewer before taking a bite himself. “And I honestly hadn’t thought too much about it. I didn’t know you like spicy food.”

“I don’t,” Jeongin said with a shrug, eyes flickering around the street they were walking down. “I'm not into spice like Minho is, because, like, that man can eat liquid fire. But I’m not nearly as bad as Chan,” he added with a smile, snatching another piece of tteok. 

“This is about as spicy as I can handle,” Hyunjin said, quickly stealing the last piece. Jeongin pouted at him, but Hyunjin just laughed. “What do you want to do next?” He asked as he dragged them to a trash can, throwing the cup away and turning to Jeongin with a happy smile. 

Hyunjin stopped, blinking as his eyes narrowed in on Jeongin’s lips.

“What?” Jeongin asked as his cheeks flushed a soft pink - and not from the cold. It felt like time slowed down when Hyunjin lifted a hand and allowed his thumb to brush over Jeongin’s bottom lip. His touch felt like fire, leaving a burning trail over Jeongin's face as his fingers pulled back from where they had briefly rested against Jeongin’s cheek. 

“You had a bit of sauce,” Hyunjin said as an explanation as he lifted his hand and licked away the little red speck, his thumb lingering on his lip as his eyes were locked on Jeongin.

Jeongin suddenly felt a little lightheaded.

 “Coffee?” Hyunjin asked as he nodded towards a nearby cafe, seemingly unaware that Jeongin’s whole head was scrambled into a mess, his cheeks hurting from the blush that spread over them. 

“Sure,” Jeongin said, a little breathless. Did that actually happen, or did he just imagine that entire exchange?

He followed as Hyunjin pulled them inside, the warmth of the place soaking into both of them immediately. 

“There,” Hyunjin said as he pointed to a table in the far corner, and gestured for Jeongin to go sit. “Do you want hot cocoa or coffee?” he asked, looking at the counter where there was a small line. 

“Cocoa,” Jeongin smiled as he slipped out of his jacket and made his way to the small table. “I’ll keep the table,” he added, rushing to the corner before the couple who entered behind them could steal it away from them. 

Jeongin draped his jacket over one of the chairs and slid into his seat, taking in the little cafe. It looked cute and modern, with wooden tables and big bold prints on the walls. Everything was in soft pastels and there was an almost romantic feel to the place. 

Jeongin picked up his phone, quickly checking his messages. There were a few teasing ones from Felix and a picture of Jisung’s roommate sleeping while he was clutching a trash can. Jeongin had to bite his lip as he held back a laugh, looking up again to see it was almost Hyunjin’s turn. 

Jeongin frowned as he looked around, spotting quite a few people holding hands and staring infatuatedly at each other. He allowed his eyes to drift over the place again, eyebrows lifting up under his bangs when he spotted two men holding hands, pressed closely up against each other as they talked in hushed voices to each other. 

Jeongin wanted to stop staring, but he just couldn't tear his eyes away. They looked so close, so familiar with each other in a way that Jeongin had only seen in his own friends or on tv. Hell, they looked more in love than he could ever remember his own parents ever looking. His stomach felt odd as he looked at them, a familiar sense of jealousy filling him at seeing them being so open and fearless about their love. Still, Jeongin couldn't help but look around, half expecting someone to come and start hitting them with a Bible. 

Jeongin forced his eyes down eventually, his gaze settling on the crucifix around his neck. He looked around nervously before he pulled the crucifix under his sweater, the gold heavier than ever as he hid it away. 

He wasn’t sure why, but he felt oddly ashamed to have it on display.

“Here,” Hyunjin said, interrupting Jeongin’s thoughts as he put two mugs of steaming cocoa with whipped cream on the table. “Seriously, the woman in front of me had an order that took like a whole minute to recite. I didn’t even know you could get a 4-shot half-white two pumps caramel something,” he said with a sigh, pulling off his jacket.

Jeongin swallowed when he saw what Hyunjin was wearing under his jacket. The long blue cardigan made him look more elegant than he normally did, and the shirt that was tugged into his pants - which made his waist look slim and inviting, begging for Jeongin to wrap his arms around it - was pure white, with black embroidery running up the front. He hadn’t closed the two upper bottoms, allowing a free view of his long and graceful neck. 

He looked like an expensive runway model who had stepped right out from the pages of a fashion magazine. 

Jeongin could feel his cheek redden as his eyes traveled down Hyunjin’s body, settling on his stomach where he knew the belly button piercing was hiding beneath the fabric. 

Jeongin wasn’t the only one staring. Far from it, actually. The whole cafe had gone a little quiet as Hyunjin pulled off his beanie and fluffed up his blond hair, completely ignorant to how several people were just ogling him. 

Jeongin cast his eyes away as the feeling of being underdressed filled him again. He breathed deeply, chanting ‘it’s not a date’ over and over again inside his head for the umpteenth time. There was no way Hyunjin had dressed up just for him. 

Perhaps he was meeting someone later… that would make more sense, even if the thought made Jeongin feel empty on the inside.

“And then she had the audacity to get upset about it taking a little longer,” Hyunjin huffed, oblivious to Jeongin’s inner conflict. With a shake of his head, he sat down in front of Jeongin looking exasperated. “Like, woman, if your order reads like the back cover of a romance novel you have to accept that it takes longer to make than just pouring two things into a cup. Poor barista almost cried of relief when I just wanted two hot cocoas,” he looked back at the counter suspiciously. “What kind of regulars do they even get here?”

“The rich and entitled kind, perhaps,” Jeongin said while he tried to pretend everything was fine and he wasn’t dying a little on the inside. 

“I'm sure Changbin’s allowance is bigger than her paycheck, and I’ve never seen him behave like that,” Hyunjin said with a sour look, finally turning his eyes to Jeongin who was once again sending the male couple long looks. “Are you okay?”  

“I'm fine,” Jeongin hurried to say as he forced his eyes to return to Hyunjin. It must have been a little too late because Hyunjin turned his head, eyes zooming in on the two men who were still holding hands, albeit giving Hyunjin some impressed looks. 

“Oh,” Hyunjin said, his shoulders falling as he leaned back in his seat. His eyes didn’t rise to meet Jeongin as he frowned down at the cocoa in front of them. “Is it not okay?” He asked, lifting his eyebrow, but his eyes remained fixed on the table.

“I was just surprised,” Jeongin said, hating how Hyunjin suddenly seemed sad. “I don’t know why, really. I… I’ve never seen a gay couple that wasn’t Felix and Changbin,” Jeongin admitted as he turned around the odd feeling in his stomach. Because it was a surprise, an envy-worthy kind of surprise. 

Something akin to fear also tinged his mood. Worry, too, because what if someone in here said something and made their bigotry hurt them. Like Jeongin had once hurt Felix, like Jeongin’s parents had hurt Jeongin. What if someone just like his parents came by spilling their self-righteous hate like acid on something so nice, so beautiful. 

The thought made him furious. And terrified.

“And I suppose that because I know them, it isn’t strange to see them being open and… out,” Jeongin mumbled, feeling a little awkward. It wasn’t that he couldn't express his feelings, it was just that nagging little voice telling him he should not that he was struggling with. “Not even in movies, or in books do you see a lot of it,” he added, eyes once more returning to the two men briefly.

Longing filled his stomach.

“I never thought I could ever be like that,” Jeongin finally said, his chest feeling a little tight, but Hyunjin was looking up again, eyes round as he looked at Jeongin. “And there they are, holding hands and looking so in love it’s sickening, and no one is saying anything,” Jeongin sighed, shoulders falling as he looked at Hyunjin with a bittersweet smile.

“And that’s amazing… and annoying, because I’ve been fearing it my whole life, and for what?” Jeongin laughed bitterly, tears prickling in his eyes. “Because I was scared people wouldn’t like me? That I wouldn’t be enough? What a fucking joke because I wasn’t enough before either and people hated me anyway,” he said trembling slightly. He felt horrible for ruining their friendly date with his consistent self-loathing, but he knew Hyunjin would never hold it against him. Hyunjin was too good for him.

“Hey,” Hyunjin said as he reached out to gasp Jeongin’s hands. “I get it, okay? I get it. I really do,” he said, his hands coming up to stroke Jeongin’s cheek and wipe away a runaway tear.

“It’s not fair,” Jeongin said, trying so hard not to cry. This was supposed to be a nice day just the two of them - not a date - it was supposed to be nice. And there Jeongin was ruining it with his wild emotions. Over two men holding hands. It was so dumb. “I'm all fucked up, Hyunjin, who would ever be able to love me when I can’t promise I could hold their hand outside?”

“You’re doing fine right now,” Hyunjin said, lifting their intertwined hands and waving them back and forth in front of Jeongin. “And you’re not fucked up. Not at all. We all have scars, and we all have parts we’re not proud of. I'm a petty asshole who’d rather shoot first and then ask questions later. You’ve experienced that yourself.”

Hyunjin squeezed Jeongin’s hand a little, taking a deep breath. 

“And if you’re not ready for all of this, for being out, and holding hands, and, I don’t know, kissing in front of people,” he said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, “Then that's fine. You can take it all at your own pace. You just have to tell me. I’d never force you to do anything you weren’t ready for… but we’ve held hands and walked together more like a couple than friends before, and that has always been fine,” he added, eyes deep and endless as he stared at Jeongin.

Jeongin on the other hand just stared at him in slight shock, not quite able to look him in the eyes. “But we’re not…”

“Jeongin,” Hyunjin said with a sigh and a fond smile. “This is a date. A date date. I wouldn't dress this well if I weren’t out to impress, and let me tell you, very few get me at my very best.”

“Oh,” Jeongin said, cheeks getting a little red as he looked down at their hands. 

“Yeah, and this Jeongin is my absolute best,” Hyunjin said slowly and carefully. Jeongin made the mistake of looking up, his poor heart stuttering and almost coming to a stop as he was met with Hyunjin’s dark eyes very close to his own. “Is it okay if I hold your hand very platonically?” Hyunjin asked, his voice going a little deeper as he leaned closer.

Jeongin breathed in, his nose filling with the seductive scent of Hyunjin’s cologne and the soft minty chocolate whiff of his lip balm - a special choice because it was almost Christmas - and Jeongin’s head got fuzzy. 

He wanted to refute Hyunjin, but not even Jeongin could deny that this friendship had been going one way and one way only. And Jeongin was tired of fighting. He had liked Hyunjin since he was young and loved him since he knew what love was. Perhaps it was time to let go and see where the pieces would fall. 

Because clearly, Hyunjin liked him back.

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, holding on to Hyunjin tightly. “You can even hold my hand very un-platonically every time you want to,” Jeongin added shyly. He bit his lip as he looked up at Hyunjin, an odd flutter running through him when Hyunjin’s eyes zoomed in on his lips, eyes getting even darker.

“Good,” Hyunjin said, pulling Jeongin’s hand up to place a chaste kiss on his fingers. “Now, drink your cocoa before it gets cold.” 

Jeongin smiled, feeling a little like he was so light he could fly away. His eyes strayed to where the two men were sitting, both of them watching them with soft smiles. Jeongin breathed in, letting go of all his doubts, and returned to stare at Hyunjin. 

This was his first date after all. Their first date. He should enjoy it.

oOo

Jeongin had a very hard time holding back his smile as he and Hyunjin walked down the narrow streets, light from the small cafés draping them in a myriad of colors as the city slowly began to warm up to a regular Saturday with everything it entailed. 

They were still holding hands and no one seemed to care as they walked past them, their own lives and problems more important than two men holding hands on a busy street.

“You’re smiling again,” Hyunjin said, his eyes scrunching up in the way they always did when he was just about to smile. 

“So are you,” Jeongin replied, pretending he moved closer to Hyunin because he was making space for people to walk past them. The truth was that he just wanted to be closer to Hyunjin. “And I’m smiling because I’m happy.”

“Me too,” Hyunjin said, looking like he wanted to hug Jeongin. Instead, he just turned them down an even smaller street, more Christmas lights appearing. “I'm very, very happy.”

They had already been at the City Hall to watch the Christmas trees, seen the shopping district’s decorations, and for a while Hyunjin had just led them around, buying churros and bungeoppang when they passed stalls Hyunjin knew were good. They had eaten an early dinner at a small ramen place, and then spent an hour in a bookstore just browsing and showing each other their favorite books. 

It had been perfect. 

“So, are we going somewhere specific?” Jeongin asked when Hyunjin once more turned them down another tiny street, the smell of cakes and coffee enveloping them both. 

Hyunjin hummed with a small mysterious smile. “It’s a secret. But I found a really cool spot I wanted to show you,” he said, swinging their hands carefully. It was getting really cold, but Jeongin didn't care. He had been all warm on the inside all day and the more time he spent glued to Hyunjin’s side, the warmer he seemed to get.

They eventually arrived at a small garden-like square surrounded by small cafes and closed shops. There didn’t seem to be a lot of people, the ones that were seemed content to drink their coffee and admired the light. 

Fairy lights were strung up into the trees, creating a little winter wonderland and Jeongin was pretty sure that when it was spring the whole square would be covered in cherry blossom petals. It was beautiful and romantic without seeming forced.

“This is amazing,” Jeongin said, walking under the trees. It looked like something out of a drama. He looked around shyly, happy they seemed to be mostly alone. “How did you even find this place?” Jeongin asked, letting go of Hyunjin briefly to spin around and take in the light around him. 

He smiled as Hyunjin watched him, running back and taking his hand. They kept walking until they came to a stop in a dark corner, shielded away from any prying eyes by a hedge covered in a blanket of light; they could see most of the square from here, but no one could really see them. Not unless they were looking for them.

Jeongin smiled as he allowed himself to pull Hyunjin closer, no longer afraid that someone would see them. The shop next to them was closed, only the light from their decorations reaching out for them lazily.

Jeongin just stared at Hyunjin, lost in the way the other man looked more otherworldly than ever in the soft golden shimmer from above and the red and green lights being showered over them from the shop window. 

It looked almost like they were back in church, Hyunjin bathed in the light of the stained glass while Jeongin watched him with an aching heart. 

Except this time Jeongin wasn't pining. 

This time he got to hold onto Hyunjin. 

Jeongin couldn’t believe it.

“I was thinking about something,” Hyunjin said after another beat of silence where they had just been standing and taking in the lights. “How much do you really remember from last Friday night?” Hyunjin asked something a little guarded in his voice. 

Jeongin looked up at him confused.

“Erhh, chasing the cat, and then you taking me home. The details of getting into bed are a bit fuzzy though,” Jeongin answered, trying to run it all back through his memory. “I didn’t do something terrible, did I?” He asked as his smile melted off his face. 

Hyunjin shook his head and pulled him closer by his hand.

“No, though you did say you wanted to bite my cheek like an apple, but that wasn’t too bad,” he said with an impish grin. Jeongin groaned, hiding his face in Hyunjin's shoulder to shield his warm cheeks. “But, I actually have a bit of a confession to make,” Hyunjin said, voice suddenly getting serious. 

Jeongin’s heart twinged painfully in his chest as he came to a stop. Hyunjin looked like he was looking for the right words to say and Jeongin couldn’t stop himself as he reached up and cupped the other man’s cheek, smiling softly as he caught Hyunjin’s eyes.

“It’s okay,” Jeongin said, thumb stroking over Hyunjin’s cheekbone, his skin prickling where they touched. “If you can wait for me, I can wait for you.”

“Fuck,” Hyunjin said closing his eyes as he reached out and pulled Jeongin into his arms. “Jeongin, I really, really like you.” 

“I really, really like you, too,” Jeongin whispered into Hyunjin’s hair. It smelled of flowers and coconut and Jeongin swore he could breathe it all day. Hyunjin also felt right in his arms. It felt like Hyunjin was made just for Jeongin’s arms.

“I think I’ve been infatuated with you for a long time. Before I even knew you as you,” Hyunjin said, voice careful as he held onto Jeongin. “I remember loving going to church because I could hear you sing. I was too young to know about feelings and all that, but I remember stretching my neck to watch you. I was just never able to get a good look at you before my mother whisked me away, your voice ringing in my ears long after we had gone home.”

Jeongin froze, his hand digging into Hyunjin’s shoulders as he pulled him closer. 

“I know it sounds so dumb, but when I heard you sing in Chan’s apartment it just reminded me of how I used to watch you. Before I figured out I liked boys, before my life got complicated and fucked up,” he breathed out as it became his turn to cradle Jeongin’s cheek. 

“I wish I had talked to you in high school, and heard your voice, so I knew you were my little singer. I wish I fell in love with you back then, and I wish you never had to think I was dead,” Hyunjin said, thumb stroking Jeongin's cheek. “I wish we’d met in a better way, and I wish I had recognized you as the boy I used to hear singing, instead of the quiet boy from church who just followed his brother’s shadow,” Hyunjin said, staring into Jeongin’s eyes like he could see his soul. “I wish I had been braver and spoken to you before we got into an argument, and I wish that when I kissed you it had been because I liked you… Because I did like you, Jeongin. I like you so much it hurts and I can barely imagine not seeing you every day. Now that I’ve gotten a taste of your presence, I don’t think anything will ever be able to compare.”

Jeongin blinked as his eyes filled with tears, and his heart beat so fast he was concerned his ribs would be bruised.

“When I saw you for the first time at Minho’s apartment, I thought you were the prettiest man I’d ever seen in my life. I thought God was playing a cruel joke on me when you recognized me, because it just wasn’t fair to bring my past back… and I wanted you to be horrible so bad, but you’re not,” Hyunjin said, his other hand coming up so he could carefully cradle Jeongin’s face in his hands. “You’re the most wonderful person in the whole world, and, please, I'm begging you, be mine.”

Jeongin stared at Hyunjin, breath shuddering out of him.

“I've liked you since I was thirteen,” Jeongin confessed like it was a secret. “I have loved you since I was thirteen actually,” he admitted, slowly beginning to tremble. “I’ve liked you for so long… and when you died… My whole world collapsed. I- Hyunjin, I’ve been in love with you for years.”

He had expected Hyunjin to be surprised, perhaps even angry, but instead, he just smiled softly.

“I know,” he said, wiping a tear away from Jeongin’s cheek. “You told me last Friday.” Jeongin’s eyes widened, panic rushing through him. “And it made me really happy that I wasn't the only one who wanted to be more than friends,” Hyunjin said as the most beautiful smile blossomed on his face. “I’ve been flirting with you for weeks, Jeongin.”

“You have?” Jeongin asked, his heart finally seeming to calm down.

“I have. I’m glad you told me and I told you I knew, because I wanted this to start out right. No secrets, no misunderstanding, and no misconceptions,” he breathed out, still holding on to Jeongin’s face. “And I am not seeing anyone else, nor do I want to see anyone else. There is only you, Jeongin.”

“Oh, fuck,” Jeongin said, part of what he thought was a dream coming back to him. “The blue-haired guy,” he groaned in mortification. “I complained about him.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin grinned, eyes reflecting the many fairy lights above them. “And it never really worked with him. I was too busy thinking of a good little Catholic boy who I thought was an ass but who still had me wrapped around his finger.”

“I'm so sorry,” Jeongin said, blinking and making more of his tears escape. “I said some dumb things. Hyunjin, I'm so sorry,” he stuttered, hand coming up to grip Hyunjin’s waist like he wanted to stop the other man from running away.

Hyunjin wasn’t going anywhere.

“I'm not sorry,” Hyunjin said, head tilting a little to the side as he watched Jeongin with fond eyes. “I'm sorry people made you think it was your fault I died. Love isn’t a sin, I know you know that now. You couldn’t have killed me with love, Jeongin,” Hyunjin said, making Jeongin’s poor heart hurt as small tears threatened to leak out.

But he wasn’t going to cry, not now. 

“I am sorry I left you behind. I really do wish we met earlier… but then we wouldn’t have been who we are today. And I like you too much to ever give you up,” Hyunjin said with an unapologetic shrug.

Jeongin was speechless.

“Can I kiss you now?” Hyunjin asked, melting Jeongin’s heart further, leaning in a little closer. “I don’t want to give you another reason for you to kick me in the balls,” he added with a grin and Jeongin wanted to punch him. Instead, he nodded, pulling him closer.

Jeongin was tired of waiting.

Their third kiss shared together was soft. Nothing like the revenge-filled first and second they had had. This kiss was nothing more than a long press of lips against lips, but it still made Jeongin’s whole body go haywire. Hyunjin’s lips were so soft, and just a tiny bit sticky from his lip balm. Jeongin couldn't help but sigh happily when Hyunjin pulled away. 

“Oh, wait,” Hyunjin said, one hand releasing Jeongin’s face as he reached into his pocket pulling out a handful of shredded white paper. He threw it into the sky, leaning in close again, their lips barely touching. The paper fell around them like snow, twisting and turning in the air as it fluttered to the ground.

 “I wanted it to snow, but the weather wasn't with me. And I’m not waiting for it to snow to ask you out,” Hyunjin said, his lips the softest caress against Jeongin’s as he spoke. 

Jeongin didn’t reply, he just closed his eyes and pulled Hyunjin back, pressing their lips together for their fourth kiss.

This kiss was more passionate. Jeongin felt lost, oblivious to what he should do, but Hyunjin just turned his head, guiding Jeongin till the angle was right and their noses stopped bumping into each other. Their lips moved against each other effortlessly and Jeongin swore he could feel it in his toes. When Hyunjin deepened the kiss, Jeongin sighed, melting into the man he loved so dearly. He lifted his arms to wrap them around Hyunjin’s neck, holding him close. 

So close no one would be able to take Hyunjin away from him again. 

Jeongin didn’t object when Hyunjin’s tongue swept over his lips, instead, he sighed, allowing Hyunjin to dive in deeper, this time really making Jeongin’s toes curl up in his boots. He tasted of sugar, and the coffee they had shared after they had been to the bookstore, sweet and bitter on his tongue. Jeongin couldn’t get enough, the feeling of Hyunjin so close making him shiver and cling to him like he might disappear at any moment.

Hyunjin sneaked his hand behind Jeongin’s head, and angled the kiss differently, making Jeongin weak in his knees, and perhaps he would have fallen to the ground if not for Hyunjin holding him tightly around his waist.

It was like he was tasting heaven, drinking up redemption from an accused sinner’s lips and Jeongin didn’t want to stop. And he knew he didn’t have to, because there was nothing sinful about this. Nothing at all. There was nothing, but Hyunjin, their bodies, and lips pressed together under the fairy lights above them. 

A perfect moment. 

Just like Jeongin had imagined.

When they broke apart they were both panting, short for air, but Jeongin couldn’t help but smile so wide his cheeks hurt. Getting up on his toes he showered Hyunjin’s whole face with small kisses, something finally settling deep in his chest.

Hyunjin laughed and tried to chase Jeongin’s lips again, kissing him a few more times, just soft and loving touches because he couldn’t help himself. Jeongin felt like he might fly away with how happiness was surging through him, making him feel all giddy on the inside.

“So,” Hyunjin asked, leaning his forehead against Jeongin’s and closing his eyes as they just basked in the presence of one another. “Wanna be mine?”

“Yeah,” Jeongin answered without even the slightest hesitation. “If you’ll be mine.” 

oOo

God

Thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you

oOo

“I really have to go in now,” Jeongin said with a smile as he leaned up to give Hyunjin another peck on his lips. Hyunjin didn’t reply, he just followed Jeongin’s lips, deepening the kiss as he pushed him against the door, encasing him with his arms, one on each side of Jeongin. 

Jeongin felt drunk in the presence of Hyunjin. After finally having tasted the object of his deepest desires he knew there was no turning back. Hyunjin was everything, the air Jeongin breathed and the ground he stood on. Finally, after so many years of holding back and ignoring his desire, he felt like a dam had been broken within him, allowing all of his longing to wash over him.

He couldn’t get enough of Hyunjin.

“Hyun,” Jeongin moaned, hands pushing in under Hyunjin’s beanie so he could finally get his hair between his fingers. “Not here,” he whispered breathlessly against Hyunjin’s lips. They really shouldn’t continue this here when someone might see, or worse, hear them. But Jeongin couldn’t find it in himself to push Hyunjin away. It still felt too good to be true.

“But I’ll miss you,” Hyunjin whispered against Jeongin’s lips, still not pulling away, yet mindful of how the door to Jeongin’s apartment wasn’t soundproof. He pulled back, just barely, as he checked the long hallway. It remained deserted. “I don’t wanna miss you,” Hyunjin said, showering Jeongin’s face in small kisses.

“Hyun, please,” Jeongin giggled, stealing a few kisses himself. “We can meet again tomorrow,” he said, turning his head so he could stare at Hyunjin. Even with a crooked beanie that was almost falling off and kiss swollen lips, he was so beautiful it took Jeongin’s breath away. “I should be back from church around noon?”

“I could also just pick you up?” Hyunjin asked with a playful smile and a raised eyebrow. “Walk home, together arm in arm,” he added with a smile, hand grasping Jeongin’s waist firmly. “Maybe get lunch, hold hands under the table… go home, and make out again.”

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, cheeks hurting from how much he had been smiling. “I’d like that a lot,” he said as he leaned up to kiss Hyunjin again. He pulled back before Hyunjin could deepen the kiss, knowing they would most likely stay out all night if Jeongin didn’t put his foot down soon. 

“Just… remember you can say no,” Hyunin said with a tight smile, suddenly cautious. “And if you don’t feel comfortable we don’t have to go out or-”

“Shh,” Jeongin said as he placed his hand on Hyunjin’s cheek. “We will figure it out. Together. And I already made the choice that I wasn't going to try and be anything but myself. So relax. If you do something I don’t want I’ll tell you, just like you’ll tell me if I do something that upsets you,” Jeongin continued, his heart fluttering around his chest when Hyunjin smiled at him.

“I like that. Together, it’s a great word,” Hyunjin grinned as he leaned into Jeongin’s touch. 

“The best,” Jeongin laughed back as he once more leaned up to kiss Hyunjin softly. “Good night,” he said, stepping back as Hyunjin’s arms reluctantly released him. 

“Good night,” Hyunjin said with a smile. He lifted his hand and touched Jeongin’s cheek softly before stepping back. 

“Sweet dreams,” Jeongin said leaning back against the door. He wanted to invite Hyunjin in, to spend all his time with him… but none of them were quite there yet. Besides, Jeongin needed a good long squeal on his bed. 

“Don’t worry, they will be,” Hyunjin said with that impish grin that made Jeongn’s stomach feel weird back on his face. “Because you’ll be in them,” he added with a laugh, dodging when Jeongin reached out to hit his shoulder.

“Yah!” Jeongin yelled, for once not caring if anyone heard them. “Get out of here!”

“Yes, sir,” Hyunjin grinned as he walked backward toward the stair, his eyes on Jeongin. “See you tomorrow,” he said, words like a promise. Jeongin had to give up on his plan to hold back his smile as he beamed at Hyunjin, barely looking as he slipped through the door to the apartment. 

He quelled the urge to keep watching Hyunjin as he turned to walk down the stairs but he was already feeling a little too much like a lovesick character from a drama, so he just closed the door, letting out a tiny happy sigh in the dark hallway.

“I'm home,” Jeongin announced as he kicked off his shoes. He noticed Changbin’s boots and smirked. “You two better be decent, or I'm kicking you out,” he added with a grin, his phone buzzing in his pocket.

“We’re both dressed,” Felix replied, the roll of his eyes clear in his voice while Changbin just huffed loudly. Jeongin smirked at Felix’s comeback before he checked his phone. His heart skipped a beat when he noticed it was Hyunjin who had texted him. 

miss you ❤️

Jeongin bit his lip, feeling giddy as he punched in his reply a little too fast.

Miss you, too ❤️

Stuffing his phone back in his pocket, he dared to enter the dark living room, waving at Changbin and Felix who were wrapped together like vines on the couch, watching a movie. The lights were off and Jeongin was somewhat relieved they weren't able to see him. He was pretty sure his lips were puffy from kissing and that his cheeks had been painted a permanent pink.

“You two have a good time?” Felix asked as he lifted his head from Changbin’s chest to look at Jeongin. “You were gone all day.”

“Yeah, we just walked around after we finished seeing the lights,” Jeongin said casually as he could while he felt his cheeks heat up again. “Got some dinner and then got lost in a bookstore,” he shrugged slowly making his way to his room. 

“There is some leftover Chinese in the fridge,” Changbin said with a smile as he played a little with Felix’s hair. “Come join us.”

“I’m just gonna change,” Jeongin said with a smile at Felix, who had already rested his head back on Changbin’s chest. Changbin just nodded, eyes returning to the TV. Jeongin slipped silently into his room and closed the door. The room seemed almost too bright as he turned on the light.

Jeongin took a deep breath and smiled at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was messy from when he had pulled his hat off and his lips were pink and puffy from kissing. He was Hwang Hyunjin’s. His boyfriend. The thought made him giggly and Jeongin couldn’t stop himself from throwing himself on the bed, clutching a pillow to his chest. 

It seemed almost unreal, but so so very real at the same time. 

“I kissed Hyunjin,” Jeongin confessed to his plants. In his head, they all seemed to be appropriately shocked and delighted. He reached into his pocket and pulled out one of the small pieces of paper Hyunjin had thrown up in the air to simulate snow. “He even made it snow for me,” Jeongin added, thinking of how the two of them had spent a good ten minutes picking up the paper snow and collecting it in a small pouch Hyunjin had brought so he could recycle it. Jeongin had sneaked a few pieces into his pocket, so he could keep them as a reminder of this perfect night.

“And I’m his boyfriend. He told me he liked me,” he said with another smile at his ceiling, twisting the paper snow between his fingers. His hand slid down to rest over his heart, bumping into something hard under his sweater. With a frown, Jeongin pulled out his crucifix, abandoning the paper snow on his nightside table. 

Later he would hide it in a little box, the first of many mementos. 

He looked at the gold crucifix, smile fading as he held it in his hand. The little Jesus depiction stared back at him impassively but suddenly Jeongin could hear his mom’s voice. He could feel the shame and the nagging from her, her disappointment in him after having given in to temptation. 

Jeongin closed his eyes. He knew that his parent’s son, the one they had raised him to be, would feel ashamed to have done what Jeongin had done today. He would feel dirty after having indulged in something so obscene as to kiss a man, and then even done it out on the open street where anyone could have seen them. Jeongin could have been seen, he could have been discovered. His biggest sin could have been laid bare and Jeongin should have been terrified.

Except, he couldn’t stop thinking of the two strangers holding hands. They were so happy and free and all Jeongin wanted was to be like them. He wanted to be as happy as Changbin and Felix. He had already converted in faith, but holding on to his crucifix, he wondered if he had truly converted in his heart. 

Jeongin opened his eyes, determination settling deep inside his chest. 

He had changed, fully and irrevocably. The old Jeongin was no more; the old mask he had hidden behind was long gone, so he wondered why he still dragged around a memento that didn’t mean the same anymore.

His crucifix had always been a symbol of his dedication to being a good son. It had been a sign of his faith, a promise to himself not to become a sinner. He still remembered getting it at his confirmation when he was younger. Before he got sick at the sight of blood, before he became a disappointment to his parents, before he started liking boys, and before he became a sinner.

He looked at his palm, at the many fine cuts littering this palm from all the times the gold had cut into him, hurt him, and made him bleed. He looked at the almost healed wounds from last week, flaky and scabbed over…Faith wasn’t supposed to scar you. It wasn’t supposed to kill you or swallow you up in misery.

Faith was like love, beautiful even if sometimes difficult.

Jeongin pulled the heavy gold ornament off, resting it in his palm. For years it had been part of him, but now it felt foreign. Like a broken branch that needed to be trimmed for the benefit of the tree as a whole. It wasn't a part of him anymore, so why was he even wearing it?

Why was he allowing it to hurt him, to scar him still even when he knew it was wrong?

With a last deep breath, Jeongin walked to his dresser and placed the crucifix down in the little box next to his rosary ring. Somehow he knew he wouldn’t wear it again. Not for a long time at least.

On his bed, his phone buzzed and Jeongin didn’t look at the crucifix again as he jumped over, laughing as he accepted Hyunjin’s call. His heart was giddy as he spotted the little pieces of shredded paper snow.

He felt lighter and happier than he could ever remember feeling in his whole life.

His head fell to the side and settled on Hyunjin’s shoulder, as he enjoyed the way the soft fabric of his shirt rubbed against his cheek. Soft, soft. Soft like Hyunjin’s hair which Jeongin had played with for what seemed like hours a moment ago. He breathed in deeply, basking in the warmth of the other man, and how his mere presence made Jeongin’s skin tingle.

The others were talking about something, but Jeongin wasn’t listening as he was too busy staring at Hyunjin’s knees through the artfully strategic tears of his jeans. Beside him, Hyunjin shivered, and dread filled Jeongin to the brim. He threw his hands out, covering Hyunjin’s knees from the treacherously cold air, barely registering the feeling of Hyunjin’s soft skin under his palms. 

“Don’t worry, Hyun,” Jeongin said and turned his face to stare Hyunjin into his eyes, their noses almost touching. “I’ll protect you,”

“A-against what?” Hyunjin stuttered, the cold clearly making it difficult for him to talk. The cold had even made his cheeks go bright red.

“The cold,” Jeongin whispered as if he was telling a secret, leaning closer to Hyunjin’s face, the tips of their noses gently pressing against each other. “You’re shivering and the freezing air has made your cheeks red. But don’t worry, I'll keep you warm,” he said and patted his knees where his hands were covering the exposed skin, which, now that he thought about it, was almost burningly hot against his palms.

“Oh,” Jeongin said, flabbergasted. “It worked rather quickly, didn’t it? Maybe I have a career in front of me as a knee warmer.”

On the couch, Jisung guffawed loudly. “Fuck, if only it took me that little before I acted like that,” he looked at Seungmin with a smirk. “How much did he get? Like four shots?”

“He’s had three,” Seungmin replied, trying very hard not to laugh as Jeongin kept sticking his fingers into the holes of Hyunjin’s jeans, making the tall blond man squirm like he was covered in ants. “And thankfully you have a liver like a horse, or we’d never have a moment of peace,” Seungmin retorted, elbowing him in the side as Jeongin turned to look at them with large eyes, confusion painted on his features. 

“Exactly,” Jisung said, drowning his own drink in one go.

“Did I drink too much?” Jeongin said, eyes wide as he turned to Hyunjin again. “Was I bad?” He asked, biting his lower lip anxiously. 

“No, no, what the hell, no,” Hyunjin fumbled as Jeongin’s eyes became watery. Hyunjin pulled Jeongin in next to him, drawing Jeongin’s hands away from his bare skin in the process. “You’re doing good, don’t worry. Just perhaps mix in some water here and there.”

Jisung laughed at them, but Jeongin didn’t care. Hyunjin was warm, now that he had chased away the cold, and that was all that mattered. 

“Hmm, okay. Only because you’re telling me to,” Jeongin said with a huge smile, throwing his arms around Hyunjin’s middle and making the other squeak. Hyunjin was so warm. Jeongin had really done a good job at heating him up again. Now Jeongin just had to hold Hyunjin close so he wouldn't get cold again.

“Anyhow,” Minho interrupted the snickering that had broken out in the living room. “Chan was whispering about wanting to do something fun, so take it away, Channie-boy,” he finished, placing a glass of cold water in front of Hyunjin, which he brought to Jeongin’s accepting hands.

“So,” Chan said as he carefully nursed his fruit cocktail. He looked up at Jeongin with a warm smile, looking a little shy. Jeongin smiled back brightly from where he was tucked under Hyunjin’s arm. His side was warm from where he was pressed against Hyunjin, and Jeongin could almost fly away from the fluttering feeling that went through him. “I was thinking about how we were talking about not knowing each other enough, and I wanted to perhaps play a slightly different version of Never Have I Ever,” he added nervously. 

Minho nodded at him to continue. 

“Well, perhaps we could go around and tell each other a secret that none of us know,” Chan continued, cheeks getting a little red. “Nothing terrible, but perhaps a dream, a crush, or something. Just… I don’t like the idea that we might not be as close as we think.”

“I actually think that’s a good idea,” Jisung said as he put his recently acquired pink drink down on the table. “You wanna start then?” He asked daringly. 

“Okay,” Chan said as he took a deep sip of his juice to find courage. “I’ve been contacted by a label who wants to give me a contract for five songs for their group’s new record. And I'm claiming this one so you can’t use it anymore,” he said pointing at Jisung who puffed up like a squirrel. “The contract is for all four of us. Hyunie, Ji, Bin, and I.”

“What?!” Minho yelled, almost jumping from the couch. “If you told me that, I would have bought something better than soju and vodka,” Minho chided before he threw himself into the other's arms.

“You’re really going to be making songs for an album?” Jeongin asked as he pressed closer, almost sitting on Hyunjin’s lap, letting his hand travel up Hyunjin’s chest to rest on the shoulder furthest from him. The fabric of his shirt was so soft that Jeongin was certain it had to be silk, or something extremely expensive. Or might just be cotton. He wasn’t sure anymore. Hyunjin was nice to hold, and wow, Jeongin was so proud of him.

His Hyunjin helped with the creation of a song for a company. 

“Yeah,” Hyunjin said, voice a little strained as he got almost crossed-eyed looking down at Jeongin. “I'm not really on a lot of them, but I helped Jisung with the lyrics.”

“That is so cool,” Jeongin said, reaching up to touch Hyunjin’s cheeks. The other man’s skin was soft and warm under Jeongin’s fingers. He removed his fingers reluctantly, letting them retreat off Hyunjin’s cheek way too slowly. “I'm proud of you,” he said, turning to look at the others. “All of you.”

“And here I thought you’d forgotten I was even here,” Jisung said with a dry smile. “Anyway, next. The contract isn't signed and I'm not jinxing it.”

“You’re just sour, you didn’t get to share it as your secret,” Changbin laughed, kissing the top of Felix’s head as his boyfriend clung to him making squealing noises. 

“Hmm, then give me your secret, Hotshot,” Jisung said, throwing a bottle cap at his friend's head.

“I still sleep with a Snorlax plushie from when I was a kid,” he shrugged, earning him another giggle from Felix. “I simply can’t sleep if it isn’t in bed with me.” 

Jeongin made a soft sound, wrapping himself around Hyunjin out of lack of anything else to hug. The other man made a sound and Jeongin took that as an invitation to hold him closer.

It would be terrible if Hyunjin started freezing again. 

“Is that why I can’t move him?” Felix asked, smiling adoringly at Changbin like he was something precious. “You could have just said so,” he added as he planted a noisy kiss on Changbin’s cheek. “Adorable.” 

“Yeah, next,” Changbin said, cheeks getting a little red, though he just folded Felix up into his arms and hid his face in his shoulder. 

Jeongin tried to imitate the gesture, but his position didn’t really allow for it, so instead, he just ended up pressed up against Hyunjin’s firm chest, the sound of his heartbeat traveling directly into Jeongin’s ear. 

Jeongin hummed delightedly.

“I once broke my toe by dropping a book on it,” Seungmin said from his place on the couch. “I was eight and it broke in two places. It’s still a bit crooked.” 

“No fucking way!” Jisung yelled before he threw himself at Seungmin. “I won’t believe it before I see it with my own mortal eyes.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Minho sighed. Seungmin giggled as Jisung tried to steal his sock, pulling it off ruthlessly as he inspected the five petite toes on Seungmin’s feet. Jeongin laughed at their antics, squeezing Hyunjin tightly around his waist.  

“Fucking way, it’s here,” Jisung said, proudly showing Seungmin’s foot. 

“Hmm, that’s kinda impressive,” Minho complimented as he poked the toe with his pinky. “Guess we’ll see who can surpass that one. Hyunjin, you’re up.”

Jeongin glanced up at Hyunjin with expecting eyes, but the other just looked out in the room, clearly avoiding Jeongin’s awaiting eyes. Jeongin pouted with the sound of Jisung's laughter drowning out the background music. Jeongin wondered what he was laughing so much about. 

“I have a belly button piercing,” Hyunjin finally admitted, a high squeak leaving him as Jeongin immediately pulled his shirt up, revealing his stomach, and stared intensely at Hyunjin’s belly button and the little white stone placed there.

“Oh,” Jeongin whispered, his breath hitting Hyunjin’s stomach and making him shudder. Jeongin reached out his fingers slowly, touching the soft skin, and felt the cold metal against his fingertips. Under his touch, Hyunjin tensed up, his breathing suddenly sounding labored.

“Holy shit. You actually do have a piercing there,” Jisung said, leaning over Jeongin’s shoulder as they both stared at the exposed skin. “The fuck, dude,” Jisung laughed as he fell back into his seat next to Seungmin, slinging his arm around him.

“Pretty,” Jeongin said, his fingers once more drifting over the soft warm skin, utterly fascinated by how the light made the little stone gleam. The metal quickly warmed under his traveling hands.

“I wanted to get a piercing when my parents kicked me out and I turned eighteen, but I knew my aunt would kill me if I got it in a place she could see,” Hyunjin said, voice tight as his abdomen quivered under Jeongin’s exploring fingers. “So the belly button it was,” he added a little breathless. 

“Well, it suits you,” Chan said with a laugh. “And I think Jeongin really likes it,” he added in a mysterious tone that made Jeongin look up at him with narrowed eyes. Hyunjin took the chance to pull his shirt down, covering himself up again.

Jeongin made a sad sound, flinging himself over Hyunjin’s lap so he could have Hyunjin’s attention once more.

“Felix, you’re up,” Chan continued, laughing at Hyunjin. Jeongin had begun to feel a little floaty and it was nice to hold onto Hyunjin, the other man’s presence keeping him grounded. 

“I’m fluent in French,” Felix said with a groan, cheeks turning a little pink. “My mom wanted me to either play a sport, an instrument or be fluent in a language. So, French it was. No way was I starting a sport. I would have been murdered on the grass field.” 

“Wow, that’s so impressive,” Changbin said, looking at Felix like he was the most precious thing. Jeongin felt that swoop of jealousy and coped by holding onto Hyunjin a little tighter. “So clever,” Changbin praised, leaning in to kiss Felix softly. “And sexy,” he added with a hilarious wriggle of his eyebrows before he kissed Felix again.

Jeongin sighed, forcing his eyes to look away as jealousy filled him. He wanted a kiss too. To distract himself, he played with the hem of Hyunjin’s shirt, giggling as he made the man's stomach muscles quiver when he touched the skin directly.

“And they’re off again,” Jisung commented in his best imitation of a news reporter. “Minho, give me a secret,” he demanded, a little too casual as he pulled Seungmin, who was getting a little sleepy, closer to him. 

“Hmmm, I have a tattoo on my hip,” Minho said with a cryptic smile. “But I ain’t showing it, Jisung,” he added, pushing his shirt down when Jisung almost knocked Seungmin off the couch in his attempt to get to Minho and inspect. 

“It’s dumb and silly, and I got it when I turned twenty and was a little too drunk. And yes,” he said very patiently when he saw Jisung grin at him. “Of course, it’s a cat,” 

“That’s my Minho!” Jisung cheered, pushing Seungmin back in his seat before pouring himself a new drink. Jeongin looked at Seungmin, wondering when he had dozed off. He had been very quiet all night, clearly exhausted after handing in a paper, but he had still made time to come here and hang out with all of them.

The thought made Jeongin warm on the inside. 

“Jisung, if I recall correctly, it’s either you or Jeongin now,” Chan said from his corner, raising his glass as Minho refilled his juice. He looked at Minho so adoringly Jeongin couldn't hold back a giggle, patting Hyunjin’s stomach as he bunched up his shirt so he could hide in it, once more exposing Hyunjin’s stomach and the little shiny piercing.

“Shiny,” Jeongin muttered. Hyunjin made a sound that was something between a half-gasp half-moan when Jeongin squeezed his upper thighs hard. Hyunjin quickly removed Jeongin's hands and put them back in his own lap, the rest of them giggling when Jeongin just pouted at Hyunjin. 

“Ah, yes, yes, the best for last indeed, right, Jeongin?” Jisung said, quirking an eyebrow at where Jeongin had nestled himself against Hyunjin, still trying to get his hands back on Hyunjin’s thighs. “Guess I’ll go first while you sort yourself out.”

“Let's hear it, Ji,” Minho encouraged the younger, mindlessly playing with Chan’s fingers. “Give us your worst,” he added with a toothy grin.

“Okay, so, last week after showering I sat on my roommate's bed in protest of him not taking out his fucking trash,” Jisung said with a proud smile and he kept Seungmin carefully cradling his side. “Put my very fine naked ass right on his pillow.” 

“Disgusting,” Seungmin laughed with a yawn. “But like, dude is an ass so…” he trailed off, closing his eyes as he pressed closer to Jisung. “Did he take out the trash then?”

“Nope,” Jisung said, shaking his head softly as to not disturb Seungmin. “So I put one of his own dirty smelly socks into his pillow as well and he still hasn't figured out why his bed smells.”

“Please tell me you wore a towel,” Changbin said dryly, shaking his head. “Like dude, you don't know where he had his head… or where he will put it.”

“I did not because he does not deserve such manners,” Jisung huffed, almost absentmindedly letting his fingers drift through Seungmin’s hair. “Besides, the man has no game. Not once has he had to put a sock on the door. Last week, he didn’t come home and I thought, perhaps finally he got some. Turns out he passed out in a hedge and was plastered all over some local cult’s Insta as a warning to their kids. He deserves to sleep on my ass print.” 

“Ass to ass,” Jeongin waxed somewhat poetically. “Disgusting sock to rotten person,” he added as he tried to lean on Hyunjin again, only missing his shoulder by a lot and ending sprawled out over his lap instead. Which was fine. Jeongin was tired of sitting up and Hyunjin’s thighs looked like the perfect pillow. 

“Foul,” Minho said with a laugh. “And perhaps don't diss people about not having game,” Minho laughed as he looked to where Jeongin had twisted so he could have his head in Hyunjin’s lap, tugging at Hyunjin’s hair so Jeongin could play with the strands like he was some sort of sleepy cat. Hyunjin had his fingers playfully tugging at the hair in Jeongin's nape, smiling adoringly at the younger man.

Jeongin moaned softly as Hyunjin’s nails drifted over his scalp, losing all thought and reason for a brief moment before what Minho had said struck him. 

“What do you mean Jisung has no game?” Jeongin asked, twisting his head and drawing a funny sound out of Hyunjin. “He won over Changbin in Go Fish last week,” he muttered, turning his head so he could look up at Hyunjin who made another choked back sound. 

“You okay, Hyun?” Jeongin said as he reached up to pat Hyunjin’s warm cheeks. “Did I overheat you?” He asked, tugging at Hyunjin’s hands. 

“I'm fine,” Hyunjin said with a strained voice, taking Jeongin's glass and draining most of it in one gulp. “Perfectly fine.”

“That was an indirect kiss,” Jeongin exclaimed in wonder, making Hyunjin choke on his drink and cough. Jeongin got up from Hyunjin’s lap, softly clapped him on the back, and ignored how everyone was suddenly giggling at them. “Just breathe,” Jeongin said, hand going from clapping Hyunjin’s back to feeling it up. “Wow, you’re built,” he said in wonder, making Hyunjin whimper again. 

“Please,” Hyunjin said strained, as he looked up at the others. “Where were we?” He asked, gently taking Jeongin’s hands away from his back. Jeongin shrugged, beginning to play with Hyunjin’s fingers instead. 

“Jisung is disgusting and you just got an indirect kiss from Innie apparently,” Minho said amused. 

“I wouldn’t call him disgusting,” Seungmin protested from Jisung's shoulder. “I would say Ji is creative in his ways of displaying his displeasure in other people.”

“I don't think you’re unbiased,” Felix grinned from where he was watching Jeongin’s behavior with fascination. “And really, Innie, you’re a very touchy-feely drunk.”

“I'm not drunk!” Jeongin protested with a pout, looking up from where he was marveling at how well his and Hyunjin’s fingers fit together.

“Sure,” Chan said with an almost fatherly smile. “You hanging in there, Hyunie?”

“I'm fine,” Hyunjin breathed, giving all of them a glare. “Perfectly fucking fine.”

“Hmm, sounds like it,” Seungmin giggled, reaching down to take Jisung’s hand and earning a few heckles. “Have some mercy. Hyunie is about to combust, distract the little one,” he whispered at Jisung who got a little flustered.

“Sure, sure,” Jisung muttered, hand tightening around Seungmin’s. “Now, for our last contestant, Touchy Innie,” Jisung announced, ignoring the other’s giggling over his red cheeks as he used Seungmin’s thigh as a drum. “Jeongin, give us your best secret!” He cheered as he ignored Seungmin’s pained groan. 

“Jisung, it's a good thing you're cute, or I would have killed you by now,” Seungmin grumbled, rubbing his thigh and giving Jisung a hard glare out of the corner of his eye. 

“Hmm, the beauty of evolution,” Jisung grinned, winking at Seungmin who retorted by hitting him with an ugly cat-print pillow.

“Anyway,” Chan said with a sigh as he looked away from Jisung and Seungmin who were now involved in a halfhearted pillow fight. “Jeongin, you’re the only one we’re missing.” 

Jeongin bit his lip thinking about what he wanted to share. He had many secrets. Too many. But his drunken brain didn’t offer much up other than his hatred for his studies and his current pastime project of writing. 

“I want to be an author,” he heard himself say, his head falling to Hyunjin’s chest so he could hear his steady heartbeat filling his ears. “I'm writing a story and I hate the idea of becoming an engineer,” he added with a wrinkle of his nose. 

“Cool,” Jisung grinned from where Seungmin had him in a headlock. “Can I read it?”

“When it’s done, sure,” Jeongin said, nuzzling into Hyunjin. The other man was just so warm. Jeongin didn’t want to be anywhere other than in his arms. “You should read it too, Hyun,” Jeongin said, gently patting Hyunjin’s chest. It was a very firm chest so he patted it some more, ignoring how Hyunjin was squirming under him. 

“One of the characters looks like you because you’re so pretty,” Jeongin muttered, as he finally gave up on patting the other’s chest. It made his fingers tingle. “Pretty like an angel. Not a biblical one, but those pretty ones.”

Above him, Hyunjin sputtered.

“Oh, look, Hyunjin, you’re not an eight winged wheel with eyes,” Felix guffawed, laughing harder when Hyunjin gave him a cold look. 

“No, Hyunjin is like the prettiest thing in the world,” Jeongin sighed wistfully, hand trailing down Hyunjin’s stomach. He almost jumped when Hyunjin took his hand, stopping it from traveling further down. 

“Innie, did you want more to drink?” Minho asked with a knowing smile in Hyunjin’s direction. 

“YES!” Jeongin cheered, pulling his hand out of Hyunjin’s firm grip and making grabby hands at the glass Minho was offering to him. “More, more,” he sang, falling back onto Hyunjin's lap to make himself comfortable. Really he should be sitting on him more often.

Jeongin squirmed around a bit in Hyunjin’s lap, giggling as the man under him hissed and squeaked. Something poked at Jeongin, but he didn’t care. He didn’t stop moving until Hyunjin took a hold of his waist, forcing Jeongin not to move.

“Still,” Hyunjin hissed into Jeongin’s ear, making Jeongin’s whole body shiver. He bit his lip, sipping the drink, and sat completely still as demanded. Hyunjin’s hand burned through his thin shirt. Slowly he leaned back, head coming to rest on Hyunjin’s shoulder as he relaxed his whole body. Hyunjin breathed out in a stutter, but slowly he too relaxed into the couch and Jeongin mindlessly turned his attention back to his friends. 

What a wonderful invention Hyunjin’s entire being was. Perhaps, Jeongin should thank God for that one, but first when his eyesight became a bit clearer and his thoughts weren’t doing pirouettes.

oOo

Dear God,

Hyunjin is awesome.

Sexy awesome. Awesome sexy... 

I want to bite his thigh. Can I?

Or should I marry him first?

oOo

“Hyunjin, you’re very pretty,” Jeongin slurred as he staggered alongside Hyunjin, who was clutching Jeongin’s arm in a vice-like grip so he didn’t stumble over his feet. In Jeongin’s humble opinion, it was Hyunjin being way too cautious. Jeongin wasn’t that drunk. Just a little more than tipsy. Like about 10% over being ‘a little tipsy’. 

Really Jeongin would be completely fine if the earth would just stand still and stop moving.

“Beautiful!” Jeongin exclaimed as he stopped and pulled Hyunjin to stand in front of him. He gently stroked Hyunjin’s cheeks, staring adoringly at him. “Fuuuck, you’re so pretty.” 

“I want to bite your cheek,” Jeongin said, cradling Hyunjin’s cheek in his palm, and stroking his thumb over the soft skin. “Like an apple,” he added, eyes narrowing in on the taut skin. It really did look crisp and perfect in the streetlight. “Would that be okay?”

“I really think you got too much to drink,” Hyunjin said, his voice a little strained as tried to pull Jeongin back down the street. “You should have stopped a little earlier. You’re drunk.”

“I'm stone-cold sober, Hyun,” Jeongin huffed, ignoring that he had been close to falling on his face when he said it. “Never been soberer in my whole life,” Jeongin said with so much conviction he almost believed himself. It really was a mystery why Hyunjin thought he was drunk. He was as sober as a human could be, as unaffected as - that small cat running across the street, oh so adorable!

“Look, kitty!” Jeongin exclaimed, pulling his arm out of Hyunjin’s grip as he ran to where he had seen the cat. Unfortunately for him, it has already hidden itself. “Hyunjin, it’s a kitty, kitty, kitty,” he grinned, clapping his hands like a small child. Hyunjin sighed deeply as he pulled Jeongin up from the ground and guided him away from the bush he had been on his way into.

“Yeah, we’ll say hi to the kitty in the morning,” Hyunjin said with the patience of a saint as he stopped Jeongin from running into a dark alley. “First, we go home and we sleep. I'm sure the kitty also needs to go to bed.”

“Will you sleep with me?” Jeongin asked with eyes wide as saucers, looking up expectantly at Hyunjin. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Hyunjin said under his breath, unaware of the reprimanding look he got from Jeongin. “I highly doubt you’re even aware of what you’re saying at this point.”

“I’m fully aware,” Jeongin huffed, crossing his arms. “I’m simply inviting you to my bed to sleep, and here you are taking Jesus’s name in vain. Rude. Hyunjin, rude. Don’t like you anymore,” he puffed his cheeks out as he glared at Hyunjin.

“You’re such a child when you’re drunk,” Hyunjin laughed, poking Jeongin’s cheeks.

“I’m not a kid,” Jeongin defended himself, though he did allow Hyunjin to drag him along. “I’m a fully grown man. And I can do everything I want,” he said, pushing close to Hyunjin so their bodies were pressed almost uncomfortably close. 

“Yes, I am very much aware of that,” Hyunjin said with a deep swallow as he tried to make some space between him and Jeongin. “No mistaking you for a kid, that’s for sure, Innie,” he added, strained, cheeks getting very pink.

“You look even prettier when you blush,” Jeongin said, his voice getting sad as he reached up to touch Hyunjin again. His skin was just so soft, so addictive that Jeongin couldn’t keep his hands to himself. “It’s not fair, Hyun. Do you know what it does to me when you look at me like that?” He asked, still softly stroking Hyunjin’s cheek, suddenly feeling more sentimental than he had a moment ago.

“No,” Hyunjin replied as a shiver rushed down Jeongin’s spine. “What do I do to you, Innie?” He looked into Jeongin’s eyes, leaning in a little closer, eager to hear what Jeongin had to say. Jeongin smiled, stepping closer, tilting his head a little to the side.

“You make my heart go whoopty whoop,” he whispered like it was a secret, leaning in close so Hyunjin could hear him. “And then the butterflies attack my stomach. It’s very unpleasant in a pleasant way,” Jeongin confessed, his eyes on the crook of Hyunjin’s neck. He didn’t stop himself from leaning in and pressing his face close to the tiny sliver of exposed skin and breathing in deeply.

“You smell nice,”  Jeongin said with a sigh, lips almost touching Hyunjin’s skin as he spoke. “You always smell nice. Even in high school. But I like you better with long hair. It’s much sexier,” he added breathlessly. Hyunjin made a sound that sounded a little like a whine and Jeongin pulled back to look at him with a frown. 

“We really need to get you home,” Hyunjin said, gently pushing Jeongin away. He coughed, pulling at his jacket hard before he grabbed Jeongin and began walking. To Jeongin it almost felt like a slap to the face. Normally Hyunjin always cuddled him, held his hand, and all that… Now, he didn’t even want a hug. And after Jeongin had even said he smelled nice.

“Is something wrong?” Jeongin asked as he reached out for Hyunjin, but Hyunjin stepped away, breathing deeply as he looked at his feet.

“Come on, Jeongin, I think we need to get you home and into bed,” Hyunjin said, voice tense as he finally looked up. His eyes seemed hard as he avoided Jeongin when he reached out again. 

“You don’t like me. You don’t even want to sleep with me,” Jeongin said, coming to a stop again. Hyunjin turned around, looking at him with surprise. “After all these years I loved you, and you don’t even like me,” he said, voice wobbling. Jeongin felt like he should stop. He could hear a little of the normal voice of reason he had screaming for him to stop, but it was like the words just wouldn’t stop.

“Do you even know what you have done to me, Hyunjin? How much I suffered because of you?” Jeongin asked, looking up at Hyunjin. It was so unfair, so wrong how Jeongin had suffered. “I told Father Kim I liked you. Told him I had impure thoughts of you and you fucked my life over,” he hissed, stepping further away from Hyunjin, fury unfolding in his stomach. 

It was like a switch had been flickered, all the anger and resentment Jeongin carried around with him for years flowed over. It was like poison in his veins and he just needed to get it out, bleed it out of himself so he could finally fucking breathe.

“Jeongin, what are you talking about?” Hyunjin asked, confused. “Are you okay?” He added and somehow his worry just made everything so much worse. Jeongin blinked and suddenly Hyunjin was closer, almost as if he wanted to lure Jeongin back in.

“My life was good,” Jeongin said, voice shaking as he looked at Hyunjin. “My life was perfect. I was the perfect son, the perfect child, and then… Then I fucking had to fall in love with you.” He was breathing hard, the icy winter air doing nothing to cool his fury. 

His head hurt and his vision was getting blurrier by the minute, and to be fair he wasn’t really sure what he was doing or saying. His head was a mess of present and past, of love and hurt. He shook as he looked at Hyunjin, heart beating hard in his chest.

“I loved you, Hyunjin,” Jeongin repeated, voice shaking as he clenched his hands. “I loved you so fucking much. I stared at you for hours, tried to talk to you all the time, and then you just fucking died. Left me alone. Left me to mourn you. I was seventeen, Hyunjin, and you just fucking died and I still fucking loved you!"

“Innie,” Hyunjin breathed, eyes widened as he looked at him with those infuriatingly pretty eyes Jeongin just wanted to stare at forever. 

“No, you don’t get to speak. You died. No words for you!” Jeongin hissed angrily as he pushed the hand Hyunjin stretched out to him away. “No, Hyunjin, don’t touch me. Don’t look at me. You don’t get it. You just escaped, while I was cursed and bound to penance for my love. Do you even know how much I mourned you?” Jeongin hiccuped, years of repressed feelings bubbling up in his chest, beneath a layer of drunken honesty. 

“I cried for you for a whole year,” Jeongin sobbed, tears suddenly filling his eyes. Hyunjin tried to touch him again, but Jeongin pushed him away. “I cried so much. So, so much, And I had to be fine. Because if I was not fine people asked questions, and people got mad. But I was not fine, Hyunjin, I was fucking heartbroken. You were dead and I was never going to love anyone again because if it’s not you, it’s not love,” Jeongin confessed in a flutter of chaotic words, not even sure if he was making any sense.

But he didn’t care. Nothing mattered. Nothing at all. 

“You just left me!” Jeongin cried, whole body shaking as the words escaped him. The secret he had been carrying around for years… and for what? His mother knew, his brother knew and now Hyunjin knew as well. “I loved you with all my heart. I would have died for you, died with you, and then you just died on your own,” Jeongin hiccuped, words almost unintelligible from his tears. 

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye, I loved you so much. I couldn’t wait to see you in school. Saturday was hell because I knew I couldn’t see you, and Sunday,” Jeongin breathed in shakingly. “Sundays were the best. Because on Sundays I got to sit behind you in church. I got to see you walk to communion, got to see you get on your knees and receive the blessings, got to see you smile as you left. I got to see you bathed in the light from the stained glass windows and I loved you. I loved you so much, but you ruined me.”

Hyunjin looked at him, stunned into silence.

“I tried to get over you. I tried to be everything people wanted me to be, because if I couldn’t have you, then what was the point? I might as well just be alone. It was so easy to pretend I didn’t like boys, because, Hyunjin, no one is like you. No one can ever be as godly as you. No one can replace the feeling of heaven I get when I am by your side,” Jeongin wanted to reach out, to touch Hyunjin again, but he stopped himself, forcing his arms down his side. “And just as I settled into being what people wanted me to be, you came crashing back into my life.”

“Jeongin, sweetheart, please,” Hyunjin pleaded as he came closer. “Please, stop. You don’t want to say all this when you’re drunk. Please, love, not like this,” Hyunjin begged carefully, tears of his own beginning to fill his eyes. 

“I just wanted to be normal, Hyunjin,” Jeongin slurred, his words sounding muffled to his own ears. “I just wanted my mother to be proud. And I can’t do that when you make my heart feel like this. When you make everything sinful to her seem so heavenly. You make me want so many things, and I still fucking love you, and that isn’t fucking fair,” Jeongin was crying for real now, Hyunjin disappearing in a mess of tears as he sobbed his heart out in a drunken stupor. “Because you’re this beautiful amazing person who makes art and music, and I am just dumb little me who can’t even fucking tell his mom he doesn’t want to move back home without feeling like shit.”

“No, Innie,” Hyunjin said, his own tears beginning to appear as he stepped closer, but Jeongin didn’t want any of it. “Please, Jeongin, what is this all about?”

“I fucking love you and it’s unfair,” Jeongin yelled, his throat feeling scratchy as the words left him. He knew he should stop and deep down he also knew he was being unfair. But he just… couldn’t stop. “That is what this is about. It's about you getting to live the life I wanted and being free and dating blue-haired buff idiots.”

“Blue-haired… are you talking about Youngmin?” Hyunjin asked, startled. “I haven’t seen him in weeks and we weren't dating or anything.” 

“But you liked him, and you don’t like me, and that’s unfair because I love you,” Jeongin said with all the conviction his drunken self could muster. “I wouldn't have left you to your parents, and I wouldn’t have flirted with you and… joggled my muscles.”

“What, you still on about Youngmin?” Hyunjin was lost between wanting to cry and wanting to laugh as he struggled to follow Jeongin. “I don’t think he joggled his muscles. At least not with me,” he added with a wry smile. 

“I love you,” Jeongin hiccuped, his tears slurring his words, still having the feeling he had to sound like a broken record. The words just wouldn’t stop spilling from him. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” Jeongin repeated like a prayer, breathing out deeply and looking up at the sky. 

“You’re like the sun,” Jeongin said, the drying tears freezing on his cheeks. “I’m a dead star, broken, defective, and useless, and you're the brightest sun giving life to a whole planet, brightening the world of millions. We’re in the same world but we’re light-years apart,”

“Innie, please,” Hyunjin sighed once more trying to get closer. When Jeongin didn’t resist, Hyunjin moved closer, his hand coming to rest on Jeongin’s shoulder. 

“I tried so hard not to be a sinner to my parents. Changed myself, tore all of me out of myself, and molded it into a deformed mess, and for what… here we are, Hyunjin. Me still loving you, and us still being eons apart. It’s just so dumb,” Jeongin said hopelessly as he continued to stare at the dark sky above. 

“Jeongin, your first crush… Was it me?” Hyunjin asked with a shaking voice as his hand came up to touch Jeongin’s shoulder. “Was I the one you kept watching in church?” 

“I was so afraid to talk to you,” Jeongin whispered to the sky. “So afraid people would find out. So sure you might know of my sinful attraction. And then you just died, and I couldn't even mourn you because I wasn't allowed to love you anyway.”

Jeongin closed his eyes.

“Father Kim kept telling me I should let you go. There was always the implication that it was my impure desires that had killed you. That God was punishing me by taking the one thing I loved away from me,” Jeongin heard Hyunjin suck in a deep breath, but he didn’t stop. He needed to wash it all out. “But I just fucking couldn’t stop, and now, here I am again. I'm supposed to be your friend, and instead, all I want is to do all of these impure things to you.”

“Jeongin, you’re drunk,” Hyunjin said, his voice tight as he pulled Jeongin up into his arms. Jeongin didn’t resist this time. He was suddenly very tired, the world swimming from alcohol and tears. With a sigh, he allowed himself to be held close by his love, lavishing in the heat instead of rejecting it. “I think we should talk about all this when you’re sober, okay?”

Jeongin didn't say any more, he just nodded. The anger and hurt slowly ebbed out of him, leaving him exhausted and sleepy. He didn’t resist as Hyunjin pulled him down the street and closer to his apartment, instead, he held Hyunjin close, muttering promises about never letting go.

oOo

Jeongin woke up with a headache. 

He blinked a few times, staring at the aerial roots from his orchids peeking out from the shelf over his bed. He groaned and found to his surprise that most of the night before was an odd and blurry mess. His eyes were sore like he had been crying, and he was sure he was still wearing most of his clothing from the night before. 

He was almost impressed by how much of a lightweight he apparently was. 

Jeongin sat up feeling a little like death as his room spun before him. His throat was hurting like he had been yelling, and he had some odd memories of shouting something at Hyunjin under a street light. Nothing concrete though, so he might have just dreamt it, and to be fair, if he had yelled at Hyunjin he would prefer if it had been just a dream. 

Jeongin didn't think he could forgive himself if he raised his voice at Hyunjin. 

He fumbled around as he changed out of his clothing, and pulled on a big t-shirt and a pair of sweats. Jeongin swore to himself that he wouldn’t drink this much ever again as he made his way out of the bed. 

He stumbled his way to the living room where Felix was watching him amused.

“You just missed Hyunjin,” he said with a smirk. “Poor man was so worried about you he slept on the couch.”

“He didn't have to,” Jeongin muttered, making a beeline for the bathroom. “He could have just crashed in my bed. Room enough for both of us and I dare say I wouldn’t even have noticed,” Jeongin muttered as he stumbled into the bathroom, wincing at the bright light. 

“Well, I think he wanted you to at least be conscious before he crept into your bed,” Felix said with a giggle. Jeongin frowned, his brain hurting too much for him to really care about what Felix was on about this time. He washed his face and brushed his teeth, downing a few painkillers before he made his way to the kitchen, emptying a glass of water before refilling it.

“So,” Felix asked when Jeongin sat down with a sigh, his second glass of water in his hand. “Did you do anything to Hyunjin yesterday?” He asked, his brown eyes aimed directly at Jeongin, curiosity sparkling within them.

“I don't think so,” Jeongin said, trying hard to piece the night before together. “I think I chased a cat,” he added with a frown. More memories of his dream appeared and he winced. “Had a really freaky dream though,” he sighed, his eyes closing as he leaned back in his seat. “Why?”

“He just seemed strange when he left. Asked some very… specific questions,” Felix said with a knowing smile.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jeongin groaned when Felix continued to do a very convincing imitation of the Mona Lisa. 

“What is going on between the two of you?” Felix asked instead of replying, moving a little closer and making the couch wobble under him in a way that made Jeongin feel sick. “And don’t tell me you’re just friends because I know that bullshit.”

“But that is what we are,” Jeongin’s said feeling tired. He couldn't wait for the painkiller to set in. He definitely wasn’t drinking again. Perhaps he could be persuaded once he forgot this fiasco, but for now, he didn't want to think about ever consuming alcohol ever again. “And that is what we’ll stay,” he said, more to himself than Felix. 

“Hmm, wouldn’t be so sure of that one,” Felix said with that infuriating smile. Jeongin didn’t get to reply as his phone suddenly began to ring. He jumped up too fast for what his aching head liked and groaned as he staggered into his room, barely managing to find his phone on the table before it stopped ringing.

“Hello,” Jeongin rasped into the phone, hoping to God it wasn't his mom. His heart was beating a little fast and that ache in his chest was back. 

“Hey,” Hyunjin’s familiar voice sounded from his phone. Jeongin couldn't stop smiling. 

“Hi, Hyun,” Jeongin sighed in a way that was perhaps a little too lovestruck. He caught Felix wiggling his eyebrows at him and reached over to close the door. He could hear Felix's infuriating cackling even through the door. 

“I hope I didn’t wake you,” Hyunjin said, the sounds of his duvet moving in the background. Jeongin imagined him sitting in his bed, hair a mess and soft cotton clinging to him. 

“Not at all,” Jeongin rushed to say, cheeks heating up as he plumped down on his bed, looking up at his orchids that were peeking down at him shyly. “I woke up a little while ago.”

“How’s the head?” Hyunjin asked with a laugh. 

“Has been better,” Jeongin admitted, happy the pills were beginning to set in. “I think I could be a lot worse off. And thank you, you know, for taking me home. I think I made it a lot more difficult for you than it needed to be.” 

“Oh, it’s okay,” Hyunin replied, his voice suddenly tense. “You… You remember everything from yesterday?” He asked, his voice a little too light. 

Jeongin couldn't hold back his groan.

“I'm sorry about chasing the cat,” Jeongin admitted, cheeks getting red at the memory of his saying he wanted to bite Hyunjin. “I’m also sorry for clinging to you constantly and touching you. I didn’t mean to be an octopus,” Jeongin muttered, the memory of Hyunjin under him feeling less fuzzy than it should. He swore his fingers were still tingling from when he touched his piercing. 

Speaking of which, that was a memory Jeongin was definitely going to explore later.

“And I'm sorry I kept calling you pretty,” he continued with an awkward cough, cheeks only getting redder as he spoke. Really, what had he been thinking? At least Jeongin knew the others had done dumber things while being drunk, but still. “I hope it wasn’t too much. Though, in my defense you are really pretty, okay,” Jeongin said with a forced laugh.

He hoped he didn’t sound like the hopelessly-in-love idiot he kind of was. 

“It’s fine… You didn't remember anything more?” Hyunjin asked, his voice still a little weird. “Like just chasing the cat?”

“I think I stared at the sky for a very long time, blabbering on and on about something, but I don’t really remember,” Jeongin said, closing his eyes and thinking back. He frowned as the dream he had kept interfered with his memories. He breathed deeply, hoping he hadn’t done anything else. “Please don’t tell me I tried to climb a lamppost or something. I can’t believe that I'm as bad a drunk as Jisung.” 

“No, no,” Hyunjin hurried to say but there was still something odd in his voice. Jeongin frowned, hoping he hadn’t said anything too inappropriate. “But to talk about something else. You said you loved Christmas?”

“Yeah,” Jeongin replied, relaxing again as he settled deeper into his pillows. He remembered the conversation he and Hyunjin had had a little while back about how they both were looking forward to Christmas, it being their favorite holiday. “I remember,” Jeongin said with a small smile.

He had never imagined that he and Hyunjin would have so much in common. 

“Well, the thing is I noticed on the way home that people have started to put up Christmas decorations… so do you perhaps want to go watch them with me?” Hyunjin asked hopefully. Jeongin smiled, happy the other man couldn’t see him as he kicked his feet like a girl in a drama, his stomach swooping - this time not from the alcohol. 

“Yeah, we could do that,” Jeongin replied, trying to keep himself from sounding too eager. He planted his teeth in his lips, not wanting to giggle in happiness. “That could be nice,” he added with a little breathless sigh.

“Good, then it’s a date,” Hyunjin said and Jeongin was almost deluded enough to think Hyunjin too was sounding a little breathless. 

“A date, definitely,” Jeongin said, trying not to smile like a lunatic. Because it wasn't a date, he knew that. Knew it couldn’t be because Hyunjin didn’t like him like that. Shouldn’t have liked him like that. “I'm looking forward to it,” Jeongin said with a little smile.

“How about next Saturday?” Hyunjin asked, seeming like he was clicking around on his computer. “We had plans to hang out anyways,” he added almost as if he was worried Jeongin wouldn’t have time, which was dumb, because even if Jeongin had had other plans he would have canceled them on the spot. 

What could possibly be more important than seeing the Christmas lights with Hyunjin? 

“Definitely,” Jeongin said with a giddy grin. He tried really hard not to squeal, butterflies attacking his stomach mercilessly as he rolled a little on the bed, sheets and pillow sighing softly at his ecstatic wiggling. “Saturday it is.”

“Good,” Hyunjin said, a smile in his voice.

“Yeah, good,” Jeongin replied, the silence growing between them. Jeongin bit his lip, looking at the closed door. “You wanna come over and have dinner?” He asked on a whim knowing that he could perhaps persuade Felix into cooking. 

“Yeah,” Hyunjin said, coughing a little as his sheet sighed again. “I’ll see you later, then.”

“Yeah, can’t wait,” Jeongin replied. They somehow managed to drag out their goodbye a few more minutes, both of them reluctant to hang up. 

In the end, though, they had to. Jeongin couldn’t stop a smile from blossoming on his face as he fell back onto his bed, his phone pressed to his heart.

He couldn't believe he had let Hyunjin talk him into watching this. 

“Fuck,” he said under his breath when the woman on the screen started crying her eyes out, her sobs as heartbroken as Jeongin felt. He could feel the tears begin to roll down his cheeks and he sniffled, trying to dry his eyes discreetly. Why did that damn man also have to die on that dumb roof? 

“Here,” Hyunjin said, reaching for the tissues and shoving them at Jeongin. “Just give up,” he added with a watery smile. Jeongin glared at the box before he reluctantly pulled out a few, dabbing his eyes. 

Thankfully, the episode ended quickly after that and while Hyunjin was still crying, Jeongin tried his very best to stop, both by pinching himself on the wrist and by biting the inside of his cheek hard. Making the tears disappear proved to be a difficult task. The screams of the female lead were still ringing in his ears and that familiar ache of mourning was heavy in his chest.

He wanted to glue himself to Hyunjin’s side and never let him go. 

“You know, you’re fully allowed to cry,” Hyunjin said with a tear-stained grin, sniffling as he dabbed his eyes. “You don’t have to hide it.”

“I know,” Jeongin sighed, taking a deep breath.

“But?” Hyunjin asked, head tilting to the side. Jeongin couldn’t help but look at him. He always thought Hyunjin was pretty, but now, dressed in an oversized sweater and baggy sweatshirts, his blonde hair with dark roots falling into his eyes and puffy red eyes, he looked more beautiful than ever.

“I’ve never really been allowed to cry,” Jeongin finally said, eyes falling to his hands. “Or make any noise really. I know I can, but sometimes it’s just difficult remembering people won't get mad here. You know how is; bad habits die hard.” Jeongin took a deep breath, looking up at Hyunjin before continuing. 

The other man was watching him patiently. 

“I was never really allowed to make any noise, actually. My childhood home is deadly silent. My parents don’t listen to music, just a bit of classical but only in the evenings. Books my father hadn’t approved weren't allowed, and neither was showing feelings. My father used to give us a whole speech about being frivolous with one's emotions,” Jeongin said, chest feeling tight. “I was always too sensitive in their opinion. Cried too much, laughed too loud, got too easily upset,” he said, voice getting a little faint.

“I sometimes wonder if they always knew I was different and that was why they were so strict with me,” Jeongin said, hand reaching up to clutch his crucifix. “That they deep down knew that out of all their kids, I’d be the one who’d stray,” his palm hurt and he knew he had been left with indentation from Jesus on his palms again.

“Your parents sound…” Hyunjin trailed off, clearly having no idea what to say.

“Questionable?” Jeongin suggested with a bitter smile. “Yeah. But I love them. As fucked up as that perhaps is. They’ve screwed me over, I think, but at least I knew I was always loved.”

“I kind of get you,” Hyunjin said after a little while. He tugged at his sleeve nervously, biting his lip as he looked up at Jeongin. “Have the others ever told you how my parents found out about me being gay?”

“No,” Jeongin shook his head, a smile creeping onto his face. “I tried not to ask too many questions… You know, before,” he added awkwardly. They had given up on being complete strangers after they had gotten close. It had been what they needed to get to know each other again, but now the lines were getting blurry.

Two lost catholic boys slowly merging into the perfectly flawed grown ups they had become. 

“And as you know, they keep the secrets they need to keep,” he added with a small smile.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin laughed both of them thinking of his surprise when Jeongin came out to him. “The thing is, there was this boy,” Hyunjin said with a tight smile.

“Is that how all good Christian boys get led into temptation? Pretty boys?” Jeongin joked softly as he tried to lighten the mood. While Jeongin knew a lot about Hyunjin, from his favorite color to his favorite food and snacks, he didn’t know too much about what happened before they met again. 

“True,” Hyunjin laughed, shoulders relaxing just a little. “But yeah, we went to the same class and he had these stunning eyes,” Hyunjin said with a sigh. “And I thought I was in love. He confessed one day after school, and we kissed, went out to the movies, and held hands in the dark where no one could see. My parents were never home in the afternoons, so we always went to my place to hang out, and… well, to everyone else I suppose he looked like my best friend.”

Jeongin frowned, remembering a boy that had always been at Hyunjin's side. He couldn't recall that his eyes had been that pretty… or that he had seemed special at all. But then again, Jeongin had always had eyes for Hyunjin only. 

“It was a cute, pure high school romance… but he wanted to do more than kiss and hold hands, and well, so did I,” Hyunjin said, his cheeks getting a little pink. “We were seventeen after all,” he added with a laugh.

Jeongin smiled, not really recalling any fond memories of being seventeen. It had been nothing but homework, Bible study, and grief. 

“So when my parents said they were leaving for a whole day to go shopping, I just jumped at the opportunity to have the house to myself,” Hyunjin said, eyes falling to his lap. Jeongin couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and taking his friend’s hand. Hyunjin smiled at him gratefully but still didn’t meet his eyes. “We didn’t… you know,” he said with an awkward wince.

“Commit fully?” Jeongin added helpfully when Hyunjin kept opening and closing his mouth. “I sort of know how it works. But yeah, you hadn’t done each other in the forbidden way,” he added, laughing when Hyunjin threw a pillow at him. Jeongin’s stomach twisted pleasantly at the tiny slightly relieved smile on his friend's face.

“Yeah, something like that,” Hyunjin muttered, rolling his eyes. “But we were both very much naked, and, well, Mins-, My ex liked leaving marks. Said it made him all hot and bothered when he knew I carried his marks on my body…and well I like being marked, sue me. It’s hot as fuck to feel like I’m wanted, that I’m desirable,” he looked at Jeongin, cheeks getting a little red. “Anyways, there wasn't much to mistake when my parents suddenly burst into my room.”

Jeongin felt Hyunjin shudder, his hand tightening around the Jeongin's hand.

“My parents freaked out. I don't think I’ve ever seen them that mad. Minseok just grabbed his stuff and ran, leaving me basically naked with furious parents. I was barely allowed to get dressed before they dragged me to the church and Father Kim.”

“My brother was there,” Jeongin said when Hyunjin grew silent. “He said you fought back. Told Father Kim you hadn't done anything wrong.”

“Damn right. Fuck if I was about to let them tell me my love was wrong, and force me to repent endlessly for something they deemed a sin worthy of eternal damnation. Donghyun from a year above us, had been caught with a girl. Father Kim told him to recite ten Hail Marys and twenty Our Fathers and pray that God gave him better decision-making skills. How come me being with a boy was that much different?”

“I don’t know,” Jeongin answered, though he knew Hyunjin didn’t expect an answer. “I’ve been trying to find an answer in the Bible… but it isn't there. The Bible doesn't say you can’t love another man… it just doesn't say you can either. Sodomy, sure, that seems to be off the table, but even that can be debatable according to some. The rest is kinda not touched upon.”

“But sodomy is the fun part,” Hyunjin cracked, though the joke fell a little flat when his grin didn’t reach his eyes. “Anyways, when I came home, I got a text from Minseok. He was begging me to keep my parents quiet to keep it from others at school. He even told me he couldn’t see me anymore because he couldn’t deal with me wanting to be out. I thought I had been fighting for our love, but in the end, I had just fought for my own need to be free.”

Hyunjin looked so small and so lonely, talking about a point in his life that had changed the way he viewed both himself and his family Jeongin couldn’t take how Hyunjin seemed so abandoned as new tears started to form in his eyes, so he moved closer, pressing his body up against Hyunjin, and pulled the older man into his arms. He had never really noticed how much broader than Hyunjin he was getting, and how perfectly Hyunjin fit into his arms. 

“Asshole,” Jeongin muttered, making Hyunjin release a tearful laugh.

“Well, it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t have been allowed to see him again. The next day my parents dragged me to Seoul and my aunt. Said there was a priest who could save me. Which I think was another way of saying they wanted me to get conversion therapy. Thankfully my aunt wouldn't allow it,” he sighed, nuzzling into Jeongin. “She got so mad at my mother. Yelled for hours while I just hid out in her bedroom,” he said, voice quivering slightly.

“My aunt never had kids,” Hyunjin continued. “I think she’s always been jealous that my mother had me, so when my own mother wanted to send me away to basically torture me, she just lost it. The next day when I woke up my parents were gone. I haven't seen them since.”

The room got quiet, only the soft sounds of the apartment building filling the room. 

“I know my aunt talks to them sometimes,” Hyunjin continued after a while. “I didn’t know they said I was dead. But I guess that explains why no one tried to reach out to me afterward. They took my phone and I hadn’t been allowed to have any kind of social media while growing up so I knew I was hard to find… but I had hoped people would look for me.” 

“That’s awful,” Jeongin said, not sure what else to say. “I wouldn’t have left,” Jeongin said before he could stop the words. “If you’d been my boyfriend, I think I would have torn the world apart to keep you with me.” Jeongin bit his lip wanting to trample himself. He almost expected Hyunjin to laugh at him, but the other man just held him closer.

“I know, Jeongin,” Hyunjin said, his voice so sure and certain. He twisted and looked up at Jeongin. “You’re not like anyone else.” His eyes were like starlit pools as Jeongin stared at him. The urge to learn closer filled Jeongin, his eyes centering on Hyunjin’s plump lips. 

He smelled like vanilla. 

“I'm not that special,” Jeongin said, coughing as he looked away. “I'm just not an asshole.”

“No, you are special,” Hyunjin said with conviction, his head coming to rest on Jeongin’s chest. He vaguely hoped Hyunjin couldn’t hear how his heart was beating a mile a minute. “And I'm really glad I annoyed Jisung, and got to meet Changbin so I could meet you again. Because I don’t think other people always understand how it feels growing up like we did.”

“Chan wants to understand,” Jeongin said with a sigh. “But I know he doesn’t get it all the time.” Jeongin would know. He and Chan had had plenty of arguments about him not wanting Jeongin to go home too often. Chan also didn’t approve of how Jeongin kept doing everything his parents said. Or how he used to, at least. 

“I still love my parents,” Hyunjin admitted, almost like it was a secret. “I hate what they did, but before that, I had a good childhood. I was loved, cared for… I miss them like crazy. But I can’t regret it. Can’t regret being myself.” 

“You shouldn’t,” Jeongin said, squeezing Hyunjin closer. “You seem happier now. So maybe this was just how it was supposed to be. If I learned anything from the last few months, then it is that it's better to be true to yourself than to pretend to be something you’re not. And God loves us. He gives us love, and not to accept that when it’s given to us would technically be blasphemy.”

“Father Kim has a point,” Hyunjin said, leaning more into Jeongin. “You'd make a good priest… Though perhaps not for the reasons he thinks.”

“Don’t you start too,” Jeongin huffed, tickling Hyunjin’s sides and making him squirm. “So, you wanna watch the next episode?” He asked, knowing both of them needed to think of something else.

“Only if I can stay here,” Hyunjin muttered, holding Jeongin close. “You’re comfy.”

“I’ll make sure to pull Changbin in the gym more often. Can’t let myself go soft,” he said with a grin, reaching over to take his phone, starting the next episode.

oOo

“I can’t believe they did that,” Jeongin said, staring at the screen. Next to him, Hyunjin seemed equally stunned, staring at the end credits rolled past them on the screen. He wasn’t nestled up to Jeongin’s chest anymore, having opted to press himself closer to Jeongin’s side. 

“Imagine dying and living your whole life just waiting for the love of your life to find you,” Hyunjin said, head tilting till it was resting on Jeongin’s shoulder. “Imagine living for I don't know how long, just waiting for the love of your life to return,” he added, stunned.

“I kinda get why Seungmin was so adamant we needed to watch this,” Jeongin said, barely thinking as he reached over and used the remote to turn the tv off. 

“I think I’ve been reset,” Hyunjin said, still staring at the blank screen. “How will normal love ever satisfy me after that?”

“You know,” Jeongin said with a soft voice. “I used to think my first kiss would be like that.”

“On a hill in Canada?” Hyunjin asked with a frown, the surprise enough to wake him from his daze as he turned to Jeongin. “That is oddly specific.”

“No,” Jeongin huffed, shoving at Hyunjin when he laughed. “I just kinda always imagined my first kiss to be like in a drama. You know, with fairy lights blurred in the background, time standing still, and snow or cherry petals falling around us.” He smiled a little.

“Sometimes, when my dad was on a business trip, my mother allowed us to watch dramas with her. Like the really old and puritan ones. But the kisses were always so special. I was always really fascinated with how time slowed down, and the heroine and the hero stared at each other with so much love and passion. I used to dream about kissing the love of my life in a place like that.”

“I'm sorry,” Hyunjin said, his voice tense. “I kinda took that away from you,” he added, looking guilty. Jeongin just rolled his eyes. 

“I'm not mad, Hyun,” He said with a smile, reaching over to tug at Hyunjin’s sleeve. “Besides, no one’s first kiss is like in a drama. No way can you get that many sparkles in a real-life moment,” he added with a grin, slowly getting up. He was all tense after sitting still for this long. 

“Did you ever confess it?” Hyunjin suddenly asked, eyes on his hands as Jeongin turned to look at him surprised. “The kiss I gave you… and the kiss you gave me?” Jeongin stopped and raised an eyebrow. He didn’t really know what to say, nor did he understand why Hyunjin was bringing this up all of a sudden. A part of him didn’t want Hyunjin to know he hadn’t, but at the same time, he had a feeling he knew exactly why Hyunjin was asking.

“No,” he finally said, once he had allowed the silence to linger just a beat too long. “I couldn’t. No, that’s a lie. I could, but I didn’t want to. Neither felt like a sin,” he admitted, cheeks feeling a little hot. 

“Oh,” was all Hyunjin said, though he did look genuinely surprised as he looked up at Jeongin. “That’s… nice,” he added with a shy smile Jeongin didn’t know what to make of. 

“I told you, Hyunjin, I don’t think it’s a sin anymore. I know, I’ve said some shit that I regret it deeply, but I honestly don’t think love can be a sin. And… Well, whatever kiss we shared wasn’t out of lust or anything,” he added, staring at his feet. “So even by Catholic standards I don’t think either is a sin.”

Hyunjin was silent as Jeongin looked up. 

“I'm really fucking sorry,” Hyunjin said again, eyes getting a little watery as he stared at Jeongin. “It was such a shit thing to do. And, seriously, you deserve better for your first kiss,” he added guiltily. 

Jeongin just rolled his eyes.

After all, Jeongin’s first kiss had been with the one person he had always dreamed of being with. The circumstances had just been questionable and unexpected, but Jeongin didn’t regret the kisses the two of them had shared. However, he couldn’t really tell Hyunjin that without going into detail about the crush that wasn't so much in the past anymore, but had been steadily growing into something different and stronger over the last few weeks. Something Jeongin wasn't ready to examine. 

“I already said it’s fine,” he added, shaking his head fondly as he looked at Hyunjin who looked tiny, swimming in his huge sweater and surrounded by Felix’s cushions. “And I did think a kick in the balls was all the penance you needed to pay. We kinda hurt each other in a fucked up way… But I’ve forgiven you ages ago, Hyun. As my priest would say, let it go before it eats you up. Forgive your sinners and God will forgive you your sins,” he added with a smile.

Hyunjin looked like he wanted to say something, eyes hard as they flickered all over Jeongin’s face, finally settling on his lips. Jeongin licked them almost unconsciously and felt an odd thrill run down his spine as Hyunjin’s eyes darkened. 

“Felix should be home soon,” Jeongin hurried to say as he looked away, breaking the tension that had filled the room. He stretched, his shirt riding up a little, and revealed a sliver of his stomach before he hastily pulled it down again. Hyunjin watched him intensely, an incomprehensible look in his eyes. “You wanna order some food and stay over for dinner?” He asked a little shyly. 

“That would actually be really nice,” Hyunjin said, leaning back in the seat, and met Jeongin’s eyes straight on. The weird look in his eyes was gone, now suddenly replaced with that, by now familiar, determination that Jeongin had seen on him several times. Like Hyunjin had seen a riddle he just had to solve.

“Good, but we’re not getting pizza,” Jeongin said with a smile, leaving for the kitchen to get them something to drink. He was thirsty and needed some air that wasn’t tainted by the heady scent of Hyunjin’s cologne and the scent of vanilla that always seemed to cling to him. “Water,” he said when Hyunjin just stared at him with those dark eyes. The tension between them was getting thicker and Jeongin didn’t know what to do with it. So, fleeing it was. 

He didn’t see how Hyunjin looked down, picked up his phone, and searched for when the first snow was expected to fall. 

oOo

Dear God… It’s been a while, I know, but…

Thank you for letting Hyunjin meet Jisung and Changbin. 

Thank you for giving him a new family.

And if you saw it fit… being almighty and all

Please make his ex-boyfriend step on a piece of Lego

It won't do much for world peace 

But it’ll make me very happy

oOo

“Mom, I already told you I can’t just drop out of my classes for next year,” Jeongin sighed deeply, trying to remain respectful as he walked towards Minho’s apartment. He had been working with Yedam most of the afternoon so he was tired, and really just wanted to hang out with his friends. He was the furthest away from being ready to converse with his mom, but apparently she had had different plans since she had called him the moment he had stepped out of the library.

“Jeongin, don’t you use that tone with me,” his mom reprimanded on the other end of the phone. “What is up with you lately? You hardly answer my calls and when you do you’re snappy and disrespectful.”

“Mom,” Jeongin said, trying very hard not to lose his patience. “I'm going to college. I have homework and finals are literally weeks away. I'm sorry, but I can't pick up every time you call.” 

He hoped this would be enough to console her, but predictably it wasn’t.

“You should have stayed here,” his mother replied, voice tight. “You’re too stressed and it is ruining you. If you’d stayed here I could have looked after you, and helped you with your busy schedule. I told you it was too much for you to move out so soon. You’re too young,” his mother said with that familiar worry in her voice. Except now it carried more resemblance to manipulation than it did to worry. It made Jeongin’s skin itch.

“Mom, I'm an adult,” he finally snapped. “I can take care of myself perfectly fine. I'm literally telling you I'm busy with school, which is normal and I have it under control. I'm not moving home,” he said, coming to a halt in front of Minho’s building. Even with its towering height, the familiar apartment complex carried more comfort than his own home in Busan. 

“Not now, and not after finals,” Jeongin said, forcing himself to continue. He needed to get this out or it would keep weighing him down, and it would actually force him to move home when it wasn’t what he wanted, just because he felt guilty. He needed his mom to know he wasn’t going home, because she deserved the truth. “I'm staying in Seoul to take my whole bachelor… and my master’s,” Jeongin bit his lip, his heart racing as the silence on the other end grew longer and longer. 

His mother was furious. 

“Is it that foreign boy?” His mother eventually asked, voice strained with anger. “The one who called about you during the summer? The Australian? Is he why you’ve been like this, Jeongin?”

“Who? Chan?” Jeongin asked, baffled, the surprise knocking the anger out of him. “What in the world would he have to do with any of this?” He added leaning up against the building, running a hand through his hair. 

“You didn’t use to be like this, Jeongin, but after you met him you changed. Has he seduced you? Has he turned your path onto the devil's road?” She asked, voice heavy with accusation. “Have you stopped going to church? Have you abandoned your own faith?”

“Mom!” Jeongin yelled, trying to stop her from continuing. She sounded almost hysterical and if Jeongin had had any hopes about his father not getting involved, they were well and truly burned. There was no way she wouldn’t get him involved now if she honestly thought Jeongin was well and truly sinning on a regular basis. 

“Have you sodomized with a boy?” She whispered, her voice shrill.

“Mom, what the f- No, I have not. What kind of a question is that to ask me? I am not dating anyone, and, yes, if you gave me time to answer, I do still go to church.” Not the church she thought it was, but Jeongin wasn’t really ready to tell her that part yet. Certainly not now. “Don’t you trust me at all, Mom? I’ve never done anything wrong in all the time I lived at home. I never touched a boy, only ever looked at one. One! Mom, one boy,” Jeongin said, voice tight as he looked up at the darkening sky. 

“And that was one too much,” his mother said in a quiet voice. “You’re already a sinner.” 

That word again. Sinner. 

Wasn’t that all Jeongin would ever be in the eyes of the ones he cared for the most? A sinful, corrupt transgressor who had broken every known rule, even if he had only broken a few and had repented more than enough for those. Jeongin had paid penance for a lifetime. He had prayed, begged, mourned, and cut himself to pieces in his attempt to be right. 

In the eyes of his mom and her God, he was a sinner. 

And to some extent she was right. Jeongin had acted upon his forbidden desires and had even allowed himself to dream of the lust he felt. He had allowed his tainted love and devilish desires to creep in, making themselves a part of him, allowing them to grow and form a new identity that would like to do these unspeakable deeds. An identity of someone who never just thought about the forbidden, but longed for it with every fiber of his being. Someone who longer just dreamed of release, but someone who chased it himself. 

He was a sinner, whether he wanted to or not. 

He was a sinner, whether he actually was one or not.

In the eyes of his own God, Jeongin was who he was, and no one else. He could only do his very best to become someone he could be proud of, so good, and be good in every aspect of his life. Jeongin's God didn't condemn him for anything but promised to embrace Jeongin when he needed comfort and guide him when he felt lost. 

Jeongin’s heart hurt. His whole chest hurt and he couldn’t breathe. 

“I'm not doing this,” Jeongin rasped out, throat closing up as if he was being suffocated, old scars reopening and past habits clawing themselves up to the surface. “And I’m most certainly not coming home if this is the way you intend to speak to me,” Jeongin said, voice as affirmative as he could muster. 

After all he had done, after all his soul-searching he wasn’t about to let his mother tear him apart. Not again. He may be a sinner in the eyes of his mom, but in the eyes of his God, he was simply a human trying his best. 

Jeongin just needed to remember that.

“I'm your child, mom. Your son. God gave me to you, and it should be your job to love me unconditionally. Sins and differences included. Do not judge others, and God will not judge you, Mom, perhaps you and Dad should read that passage again.” 

Jeongin didn’t allow his mom a second to reply before he pulled the phone from his ear and hung up. 

He couldn't breathe. The air felt thick and syrupy as he tried to pull it into his lungs. The word ‘sinner’ echoed in his head over and over again. The old shame crept up his spine, filling him with that familiar self-loathing and disgust. He pulled his crucifix out from under his jacket, held it close, and allowed it to bite harshly into his skin, drawing blood. 

He was a sin, he was an abomination in the eyes of God. 

That was what his mom wanted him to feel. That was how she had raised him to feel, with love on conditions and stipulations, never unequivocal. If Jeongin was a good son, and didn’t sin, he was loved. If Jeongin stepped over the line, and failed, he wasn’t loved.

Jeongin closed his eyes and allowed nausea and self-hatred to rush through him. To feel it, acknowledge it, but to understand that it was wrong, that his God loved him, that he wasn’t wrong. His old church had been. His old priest was. Jeongin wasn’t wrong. 

Jeongin wasn’t a sinner, because only God could deem him that. 

Jeongin took a deep breath, feeling the air fill his lungs and the tightness leave him. He released the crucifix, and looked at the thin lines of blood that ran down his palms. 

He felt nauseated by the sight. 

The bloodstained gold gleamed in the light from the apartments above him.

Jeongin hid it under his shirt as he wiped his hands off in his jeans, happy that they were black and would hide his smeared blood before he took another deep breath. He wasn't about to let his mom turn him. Not when Jeongin had never experienced the happiness he found in Seoul in his childhood home.

Not when his friends were waiting for him upstairs, ready to accept him despite his flaws and mistakes. Not when he knew what unconditional love felt like. And certainly not after having told Hyunjin that he hadn’t seen their kiss as a sin. 

Jeongin opened his eyes, pushed away from the wall and stepped towards the door. He could feel his phone buzz with another call, but he knew it was his mom, and he wasn’t in the mood to hear her lecture him about how he was in the wrong when he knew he wasn’t. 

oOo

“You seem quiet today,” Jisung pointed out as he leaned into Jeongin’s side, successfully stealing a piece of sushi from Jeongin’s plate. He had finally convinced Seungmin to give up his pizza for just one Friday night, so Jisung was clearly determined to eat his own weight in fish. “Something up? Hyunjin has been looking at you all night. The poor man is about to tear at the seam with worry, ” he added with a not-so-subtle glance at Hyunjin. 

“I just had a dumb phone call with my mother,” Jeongin sighed, gratefully accepting Jisung’s embrace and leaning into it further. “She decided today was the day she’d deem me a sinner.”

“The fuck?!” Jisung exclaimed, loud enough to make a few of the others look at them, as he jumped out of Jeongin’s arms to stare him down. “What the fuck did she do that for?” Jisung sounded so upset and annoyed that Jeongin couldn’t help but smile a little. It felt nice to be cared so deeply for, that someone else felt his emotions on their own.

“Because she knows I had a crush on a boy,” Jeongin said, feeling how Hyunjin’s eyes burned into his skin.

“This boy, the famous first crush of yours… whom I now remember you actually never admitted was a girl,” Changbin said with a small frown. “The one you told us about?”

“Yeah,” Jeongin admitted, not really daring to look at Hyunjin. Next to him, Jisung bit his lip as he attempted to quell his knowing smirk. So far only he and Minho knew that the boy Jeongin had been so hopelessly in love with was Hyunjin. “She kinda figured out that I wasn’t staring at a boy in church out of pure admiration but something else. Once Father Kim gave her the idea that I was gay, well, she kinda connected all the right dots. And she is not pleased.”

“Are you still planning on moving?” Minho asked pointedly, looking up from his plate which sported a mountain of sushi stacked on top of each other in a rather impressive construction. 

“Move?” Chan asked, eyes wide as he looked at Minho and Jeongin. “You’re moving? When?”

“Yesterday if you asked my mom,” Jeongin huffed angrily. He didn't miss how Hyunjin suddenly looked at him with fear in his eyes. “But I’m not going. Not anymore, at least,” he added looking at both Hyunjin and Chan. 

“I didn’t say anything as I hadn’t decided. Besides, we were all kinda mad at each other when my mom began pestering me about moving back home. It seemed easier at that point to just stay till Christmas, and then go home and stay there,” he continued, poking a little at the mostly empty plate in front of him. “Now, I’ve made up my mind and I'm staying here. I have a scholarship and as long as Felix’s parents still want to pay the rent, then I could manage through next year if I got a job… but that is only if my parents cut me off,” Jeongin was quiet for a little while before he looked up at Felix. “But if you want to move in with Changbin I won't be mad. I can find somewhere else to stay,” he hurriedly added.

“If Felix moves in with me, I'm finding a place big enough for all of us,” Changbin said with a firm voice. It wasn’t often Changbin made a fuss out of having money, but when he did, it was hard to miss he came from a family with a lot of it. “Hell, we’ll find a place where I can take Jisung as well.”

“You make me sound like a cat,” Jisung said, stealing another piece of Jeongin’s sushi. “Though, I won’t complain. My roommate is an idiot. By the way, Jeongin,” he said, mouth full of food, and yet he still looked adorable. “He thinks we’ve broken up because you haven’t spent the night for so long. He said he misses you,”

“Why, is he finally ready to pay for the live porn show?” Jeongin asked unamused, jumping a little when Hyunjin choked on his food.

“What?” Hyunjin managed to get out amidst his coughing fit. Felix leaned over, slapping him hard on the back to dislodge the rice that had gone down the wrong pipe. 

“Didn’t I tell you? Jeongin told my roommate that if he wanted a gay show he’d have to pay for it,” Jisung laughed, cheeks puffing up with food as he stole some of Felix’s food. “Best reaction to someone calling two men in bed together gay.”

“To his defense, he did use the words ‘that is very homosexual of you’ to be precise. I was very impressed he knew such a long word,” Jeongin said as a smile crept onto his face at the memory. “Dude clearly needs more platonic sleepovers in his life.”

“Hmm, I do miss you in my bed,” Jisung said with a mischievous look appearing in his eyes as he looked at Hyunjin. “Perhaps I should seduce you, make us the next couple. I think you’d make a pretty solid boyfriend.”

“Eh?” Hyunjin said, looking at Jisung with big eyes before he turned to Jeongin. “What?”

“He's teasing,” Jeongin huffed with a laugh. He poked Jisung carefully with the blunt end of his chopsticks. “Don’t worry, I’ll be the third wheel for all of you when you need me,” he added with a smile, reaching over to take Chan’s hand. “And don’t worry, I'm not going anywhere.”

“I don’t like what your family does to you,” Chan said, not for the first time. Chan had never hidden how much he disliked Jeongin’s family’s way of doing things. And Jeongin would agree, to an extent, they weren’t that normal compared to the average family, but they were still his family. He couldn’t leave them behind because of hurt feelings. “And you’re not a sinner, Innie, not at all.” 

“I know,” Jeongin said with a smile as Chan gestured for him to come closer. Jeongin got up and danced around the table, accepting his fate as he was pulled into the tiny space between Chan and Hyunjin. “It just sucks. I tried telling her that I'm staying but she just wouldn’t listen.”

“You could also live with me,” Seungmin said, eyes guarded as he looked at Jeongin. “Hyunjin and I were thinking about finding a place. Or rather, I wanted to find a place where both Jisung and Hyunjin could live as well next year. I don’t care about the money.”

“I just have to wait till I'm old enough to get the money my grandfather left me,” Jeongin said leaning into Chan’s side. “And that is only if my parents cut me off… they don’t have to.”

“You keep on saying that. Are you coming out to them?” Seungmin asked, always the one asking the hard questions.

“If I find someone,” Jeongin said, not protesting when he felt Hyunjin’s fingers lace into his own out of sight of the others. “Until then I think just staying here will be enough." 

“Hmm, well, we will figure it out,” Minho said firmly, all the others nodding along with his words. “We're family. We stick together,” he added with a sigh, an air of finality to his words. “Now, I need a drink,” he added, as he got up from the table and went to pick up the Soju from the fridge. 

Jeongin couldn’t help but be a bit grateful. He really didn’t want to talk more about his parents right now. He just wanted to forget. To be. To live. 

“Anyone else want one?” Minho asked, setting a round of glasses on the table. 

“Sure,” Jisung said as he happily accepted a glass. Hyunjin declined with a shake of his head, opting to lean into Jeongin’s side. Jeongin didn’t miss the knowing smirk Jisung sent him over the brim of his glass as he downed his first shot. He couldn’t look away as Changbin, Felix, and Seungmin also accepted a glass, only Chan declining as usual.

“Could I have a glass?” Jeongin asked as he looked at the liquid, remembering all the times his mother had told him he couldn't drink, even when she hid that she and his father had finished a whole bottle of wine on their own. It couldn't be that different from altar wine.

Besides, Jeongin was feeling rebellious.

“Of course,” Minho said, pouring him a shot, and placing it in front of him. Chan gave him a worried look but smiled when Jeongin met his eyes. He reached out with his free hand, grabbed the glass, and raised it into the air. 

“Memento vivere,” Jeongin said as he toasted his friends, drowning the burning alcohol in one gulp.

Against his thigh, his phone made another tingly buzz.

Jeongin didn’t need to turn his head to know Yedam was holding back a laugh at his impatience. He could feel the other man’s gloating like an itch. He breathed a sigh of relief once the professor began to wrap up, almost throwing his stuff into his bag as he jumped from his seat. 

“In a rush?” Yedam teased, though he at least seemed to be just as behind on his schedule with the way he was just shoveling his things into his bag. “Do you have someone special to meet?” 

Jeongin gave him a hard look but didn’t answer as his phone buzzed again. “Damn that man,” Jeongin hissed under his breath, pulling out his phone and skimming the 20+ messages Hyunjin had left him while he was in class. “I’ll kill him,” Jeongin added as his phone buzzed in his hand. 

“Hmm, someone’s eager,” Yedam teased, giving Jeongin a brief hug as he slipped past him. “Say hi to your lover boy from me,” he shouted over his shoulder, rushing to his next lecture. Jeongin just glared at him as he picked up his bag and marched to the exit. 

The cold winter air had barely managed to touch him as he stepped outside before he had the phone pressed to his ear.

“Hyunjin, the fuck are you blowing up my phone for?” He asked, hurriedly jumping down the steps. “I already told you I was right. We both know he’s not the killer.”

“But how can you be so damn sure?” Hyunjin asked, voice muffled by the phone. “You saw how he acted. You can’t tell me that wasn’t suspicious as fuck.”

“Hyunjin, we had this talk this morning… and last night,” Jeongin added exasperatedly as he hurried down the path to the cafe as fast as his legs would allow. “I told you it would be too obvious if it was him. I swear there is something wrong with the parents. They’re hiding something for real.”

“But you saw how his face changed!” Hyunjin argued back, voice raising in volume. “Sorry, sorry,” followed as Jeongin could hear a woman yell in the background. He couldn’t hold back his laughter as he heard Hyunjin apologize and promise to be quiet. “Damn, seriously though, Jeongin. I'm saying he can’t be one hundred percent innocent either. That man must have done something,” Hyunjin hissed, clearly trying to keep his voice down. 

“And so what if he has?” Jeongin said back, smiling as he pushed the door to the cafe open, smiling at the rainbow-haired barista as he accepted his coffee, and in turn got a nod towards the direction of a table in the back of the room. He mouthed a ‘thank you’ before he made his way toward the table.

He plumped down in the seat in front of Hyunjin and gave the man a tired wave.

“None of us are ever completely innocent,” Jeongin added, pulling his phone away from his ear. “Especially you who just sent me more than twenty - TWENTY!- messages while I was in class,” Jeongin turned to look at the barista who was glaring at him. “Sorry, Yeji,” he muttered trying to give her an innocent smile. She rolled her eyes at him and went back to cleaning the counter. 

“I just wanted to talk,” Hyunjin huffed, eyes widened as he stuck out his lower lip. “Don’t you want to talk to me, Innie?” He said, completely unaware of what him using that tone did to Jeongin’s insides. 

“I talk to you plenty,” Jeongin huffed, leaning back and taking a sip of his coffee trying to look nonchalant. “We literally talked this morning… and most of yesterday… and the day before that.” Jeongin coughed as he tried to hide his smile. 

Once he used to dream of a time when he and Hyunjin would one day become almost inseparable, and now it had somehow happened.

Growing up, Jeongin had seen the other man from behind, as he followed along with what Father Kim preached with deep focus as if he took in each and every word and kept it for later. As a teenager, Jeongin had found several excuses to hear Hyunjin speak, had asked about explanations for Bible verses and what not, just to get a moment of Hyunjin’s rare attention.

He had hungered after Hyunjin and everything he was for so long it became the only thing he associated the other with; Forbidden attractions, lust, and sin, all negative things he had forced upon the other without him even knowing. 

Now, the old version of Hyunjin seemed blank and boring, like a poorly done sketch that barely had the edges of the silhouette outlined, a brief idea of something that could become more.

The more of the full picture Jeongin got, the more he understood how wonderful Hwang Hyunjin actually was, and how his sketch hadn’t done him justice.

Hyunjin was everything and more, and Jeongin was delighted that he finally got an opportunity to get to know him properly, and got to experience as the blanks filled in themselves.

Jeongin could finally see Hyunjin as part of his every day.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was the beginning of…something. Jeongin was certain of that. He and Hyunjin finally got to know each other properly, without any previous bias or precedent ideas. 

“Hmm, it’s not enough,” Hyunjin said, those long fingers reaching out to poke at Jeongin. His warm fingers made Jeongin’s skin burn wherever he touched. An odd warmth filled Jeongin like hunger as he stared at Hyunjin’s small curved smile. “I missed you.”

Jeongin felt the words like a pleasant punch to the stomach. 

“You saw me the day before yesterday,” Jeongin said, trying not to sound strained as he kept his own emotions at bay. Hyunjin was still touching his hand and it was terribly distracting. “And we ended up spending all of Saturday together as well,” Jeongin said, eyes on his coffee so he didn’t have to look up. 

Cuddling Hyunjin had had some interesting side effects, mostly in the form of making him even more clingy. Not that Jeongin really minded, with Felix spending a lot of time with Changbin, the company was nice. Jeongin still liked hanging out with his other friends, but being with Hyunjin was different. 

It was like a drug, something Jeongin never got enough of and craved in its absence. 

“Hmm, not enough,” Hyunjin said with a slight smirk, taking a sip of his coffee, his hand finally releasing Jeongin’s lonely fingers. He ignored the empty feeling the sudden lack of touch left behind. His hand suddenly felt a little cold, but it didn't mean anything. Nothing at all. “And speaking about spending time together, are you free on Sunday? I know Chan mentioned you don’t like going out on Sundays, but Felix seemed oddly eager to go to that place, and they’re kinda booked every other day.”

Jeongin sighed, quelling the urge to roll his eyes. 

“It’s fine. I already told Felix I’d go. You know my parents… Sorry. We’re strangers. You technically don’t know my parents,” Jeongin said with a smile when Hyunjin raised an eyebrow at him. He really should be better, it was Jeongin who wanted to keep them as strangers, after all, not quite ready to merge the two Hyunjin’s in his mind yet. Somehow Jeongin knew he would never be able to keep his heart intact if he did that.

“My parents used to be very uptight about what we did on Sundays. It’s the Lord's day of rest and therefore we should rest as well,” Jeongin said, eyes diving to his hands. “And by resting I mean we sat around all day and didn’t do anything. Like I was allowed to read the bible if I was really bored.”

It was odd talking about his parents. 

“Even food had to be easily prepared and bland, preferably,” Jeongin added with a sour twist of his mouth at all the under-seasoned food he had consumed in his life. “When I moved to Seoul, I tried to keep it up… But I don’t know. I just feel like there are other ways to relax than sit still in silence, and just read the same book you’ve read over and over again.”

“Your parents were really strict, huh?” Hyunjin said, his smile getting a little tight. “Mine at least just wanted me to go to church and be quiet on Sundays. We would read the Bible a bit after dinner though,” he added with a sad smile, something akin to wistfulness in his voice.

Jeongin wondered if he missed his parents sometimes.

“So, do your parents know about any of us?” Hyunjin suddenly asked something a little pointed to his words. 

“They know of Chan,” Jeongin said, fidgeting nervously with his napkin. He wanted to reach out and hold Hyunjin’s hand, but he couldn’t. They were just friends. Just friends. “He kind of called during summer break and scared my mom half to death, because having a stranger with a faint accent calling about her son is apparently devilish,” he said with an eye roll.

“They know I have friends here. Friends that I care about a lot,” Jeongin hesitated for a second, “My brother knows about you. That you aren't dead,” Jeongin said, eyes flickering up briefly. Hyunjin was watching him, face guarded. 

Somehow, Jeongin knew he should continue. 

“He was there when your parents dragged you to church after… after they found out, I think,” Jeongin lifted a hand, clutching his crucifix tightly. “He heard a few things, and, well, he kinda suspected you weren’t really dead,” Jeongin said, the edges of the crucifix digging into his skin. 

“My dad, too,” he added after a brief moment. “None of them bothered to tell me. I only found out when I went back to Busan during Chuseok that they knew. None of them told me even when I was…” Jeongin trailed off, almost afraid of saying too much. It hurt. The feelings of betrayal as well as the resurfacing emotions he had hidden away for so many years.

It was still there, hiding in the spaces between his ribs; the feeling of an utter and complete loss. 

“Did you mourn me?” Hyunjin asked, voice faint. He too sounded like he was experiencing the long-forgotten hurt he had gone through in order to become the person sitting in front of Jeongin now. And yet there was something fragile about him, like a child wanting to know he was loved, that he was missed.

“I did,” Jeongin admitted, knowing that he couldn’t lie about something like this. And besides, he wanted Hyunjin to know he had been missed when he left. That someone had cared about him, even when he had suddenly vanished out of the lives of everyone back home. 

“I kinda admired you back then,” Jeongin admitted after a moment of silence. Jeongin had done a lot more than simply just admire the other, but those feelings were better off hidden away. One day perhaps he would finally tell Hyunjin just how loved he had been, how missed he was, how his disappearance had left a crater inside Jeongin’s chest. 

“Wasn’t much to admire,” Hyunjin said with a wry smile. “I don’t think there is much of that kid left in me now.”

Jeongin’s eyes found Hyunjin’s immediately. He couldn’t believe his own ears, nor eyes, with how Hyunjin was looking so down as if he really believed those words. Hyunjin hadn’t changed from when he was in Busan, except for perhaps his fashion sense or his way of carrying himself, but he was still the same kind person who would help Jeongin when he didn’t understand a Bible verse, or whenever he had some dumb question to ask to get his attention. 

Just recently, Hyunjin had spent hours answering Jeongin’s dumb and nonsensical questions about painting methods and color blending, because Jeongin wanted to learn and understand and Hyunjin had been more than willing to be because he always wanted to help.

Hyunjin was truly a good, kind-hearted person. He had and would always be.

“You’re wrong,” Jeongin said, sitting straighter. “You’re kind. You always have been. And really, out of all the things you could choose to keep, I think that's the best one.”

“I made your life shit for a while,” Hyunjin said, voice serious as he met Jeongin’s eyes. “Do you honestly still think I'm kind?”

“I'm here now, aren’t I?” Jeongin replied, looking around a little before he reached out to take Hyunjin’s hand gently. Friends could hold hands, couldn’t they? “And well, I have forgiven you. Even if it was hard.” 

As it turned out, forgiving Hyunjin was easier than living without him.

“You don’t think I'm a sinner any more?” Hyunjin asked, his voice genuinely curious. Jeongin still had some trouble hiding his wince, the words he knew he had been echoing beginning to hurt. “Even though your faith says I will burn in hell for not confessing my sins, for failing to take communion, and for never accepting my last rites,” he added, eyes on their joined hands.

There was something careful and guarded to his words that hurt jeongin. Like Hyunjin honestly expected Jeongin to reject him. To say he would accept Hyunjin but not his choices. That his sexuality and the forsaking of his faith would always be a dealbreaker between them.

Like there would always be a divide between them, putting them in opposite worlds.

“That’s not my faith anymore,” Jeongin said without thinking. As soon as the words were out he looked at Hyunjin with big eyes, his hand tightening around their entwined fingers. “Shit,” he said, dropping his crucifix as his now free hand came up to cover his mouth. “I didn’t mean to, ahh, fuck,” Jeongin sighed, feeling like an idiot.

Hyunjin just stared back at him with wide anticipant eyes, something like hope beginning to bloom deep within them. 

“I’ve converted,” Jeongin finally said, taking a deep breath before meeting Hyunjin’s surprised gaze straight on. He might as well admit it. It wasn’t something he had even meant to hide, to begin with. And somehow it felt important that Hyunjin knew, that he understood. “I'm a Protestant now, and for the last couple of weeks, I’ve been going to a church that accepts gay people. Doyun, the priest there, has helped me a lot.”

“Oh,” was all Hyunjin said, blinking a little as his eyes fell to where they were still holding hands. 

“I couldn’t stay in a faith that didn’t want me. I know some do and all, but I couldn’t. I needed out. Besides, being Catholic was always what my parents wanted. This is what I want. And according to Doyun, love can’t be wrong in the eyes of God. And I agree with that,” Jeongin continued, not sure why he was suddenly trying to convince Hyunjin of all of this. But he just couldn’t stop himself. “You can’t tell the others yet. I want to tell them when I’m sure. When I feel safe. So, can we keep it between us?” Jeongin asked, feeling like a moron.

Wasn’t this exactly what Felix had just done, and Jeongin had gotten mad at him for doing? Jeongin was very aware of the hypocritical nature of this scenario. Though to be fair, Felix did seem to have a suspicion about Jeongin not really going to the same church anymore. He hadn’t asked, but Jeongin had noticed him looking at his bare finger where his rosary ring used to be. 

“Of course,” Hyunjin said hoarsely, his thumb stroking Jeongin’s fingers. “It’ll be our secret for now,” he was quiet for a little while, still watching their entwined hands. “What made you decide to convert?” He finally asked, a strange tone to his voice.

“It shouldn't be a sin for a man to love a man. Felix and Changbin aren't sinning … and neither are you. I don’t know, in the end, it just came down to what felt right, and I didn’t feel at home in Catholicism. I didn’t like confessing things I didn’t think were sins, and, well,” Jeongin hesitated, the next part feeling a little more personal. But this was Hyunjin. He would understand. “I can’t be legally married here, but I can be married in a lot of other places in a Protestant church. And that matters…to me at least. That I can be married in the eyes of God,” Jeongin said, holding on to Hyunjin.

“I want to love,” Jeongin confessed, his words frail like glass. “I want to be free. To stop feeling like a sinner over something as beautiful as love.” Jeongin didn’t want what he felt for Hyunjin to be dirty, he wanted the warm excitement in his stomach to be what it was. Beautiful. Free of sin and shame.

“So, no, I don’t think you’re a sinner. Not at all,” Jeongin said, words firm with his conviction. “I actually think you’re very brave, because I have no idea how I will tell my parents I’m not Catholic anymore,” he laughed strained, the bitter smile never reaching his eyes.

“I'm not brave,” Hyunjin countered, hand tightening around Jeongin's fingers. His voice was a little rough as he spoke, like he was holding back a little. “But I think you are. And I think you’re very kind too, Innie. I'm really glad we met up again. And I'm really glad we got to be friends.” 

“So am I,” Jeongin smiled, his heart feeling endlessly light. 

oOo

Dear God…

Thank you for giving me a second chance

For giving us a second chance

oOo

Jeongin smiled as the service came to an end. 

For once he didn’t remain to linger in his mind, instead, he got up, pulled his jacket on, and followed the rest of his row out the door. He smiled at the kind old lady who was there every Sunday just like him, nodded to the newlyweds who had started talking to him because he was new, and waved at the kid who sat in front of him but kept turning to look at everything while she was bored during service. 

Jeongin felt at home as he reached the door, giving Doyun a big smile as he said goodbye before he skipped into the cold November air feeling like something had finally settled inside of him. Converting had truly been the right choice. 

“You know, going to church really shouldn’t make you this happy,” Hyunjin teased as he suddenly appeared at Jeongin’s side. “I clearly remember Father Kim telling us church was a duty, not a pleasure.”

“Father Kim is a stick in the mud,” Jeongin replied, smiling at Hyunjin. His heart was beating a little faster. From the surprise, of course. “And didn’t we agree we’d meet at the restaurant?” Jeongin asked, looking up a little to meet Hyunjin’s eyes, suddenly feeling a little breathless. 

It was odd to think they weren’t that far apart in height anymore. Hyunjin had always towered over Jeongin when they were younger, but now they could look each other in the eyes. 

“I was going this way anyway, so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to walk a little extra to meet up with you,” Hyunjin said in that way Jeongin had learned to mean that he wasn’t being completely honest. “And I wanted to see your church. I was curious,” he said, eyes flickering back to where the little church had melted back into the other buildings. “People looked nice,” Hyunjin said with a shrug. Once again seeming a little too casual to be true. 

“They’re in church on a Sunday, of course, they’re going to look nice,” Jeongin said with a grin, gently bumping Hyunjin with his shoulder. “But, yeah, they’re very sweet. There is even a lesbian couple… or like I'm pretty sure they’re lesbian because they keep leaning on each other all the time, and going to church on a Sunday several weeks in a row doesn’t seem very friendly coupled with the cheeky pecks I’ve seen them exchange.” 

“Oh,” was all Hyunjin said, hands in his pockets.

“Doyun is really kind too. I wish I could bring Felix because this seems like a much nicer church than he usually goes to, but he hasn’t had the best experiences with his old Lutheran churches so I don't want to force him, you know,” Jeongin continued, deciding to ignore Hyunjin’s silence. “There is even a choir Doyun wants me to join. It’s busy right now with the upcoming advent services in a couple of weeks, and really I haven’t sung in years-” 

“I think you should join,” Hyunjin interrupted. Jeongin looked up, surprised by the power in Hyunjin’s voice. “Your voice is amazing. You should definitely start singing again.”

“Would you come and listen?” Jeongin asked before he could stop himself. 

“Of course,” Hyunjin said, turning his head and pinning Jeongin to the spot with those mesmerizing eyes of his. “I kinda miss hearing you sing,” he added shyly. 

“I can’t have made that big of an impression,” Jeongin laughed, reaching out and pulling Hyunjin along with him as they hurried over the road before the light turned red. “I was hardly the best singer they had. I was just able to go very high which is why they put me in front. I was tiny as well. Made me easy to overlook,” Jeongin added, almost reluctantly releasing Hyunjin’s arm. 

“I remember you,” Hyunjin said, voice a little quiet on the busy street, but Jeongin heard it loud and clear. While they had stopped being strangers - Jeongin eventually having to accept they had too much shared history to be forgotten - their past still seemed like a sore topic for both of them. “I just didn’t connect the choir boy from church with you before I heard you sing in Chan’s apartment,” Hyunjin paused for a brief second before he continued. “It was your singing that got me into music.”

“What?” Jeongin asked, coming to a stop as he turned to look at Hyunjin in shock. “But I haven’t sung in years. I was like… twelve the last time I was allowed to sing in church.”

“Yeah, and I can still hear how your voice rang out in the church, echoing off the walls,” Hyunjin said, eyes on his shoes. There was something defensive about him, like he dared Jeongin to oppose him. “I wanted to get into music, so I could find that emotion again. That feeling of having your soul resonating along with a song,” he looked up, catching Jeongin’s eyes. “So I will definitely come to hear you sing.”

Jeongin didn’t really know what to say to that so instead he reached out and pulled Hyunjin with him. “We’ll be late,” he muttered as he dragged the other man down the street. It didn’t matter that they were kind of early to begin with, or that Jeongin’s church had been fairly close to the restaurant. 

Hyunjin allowed Jeongin to be flustered, but when he a little while later pulled his arm back and grabbed onto Jeongin’s hand instead, Jeongin didn’t say anything. He just held on, basking in the heat seeping out of Hyunjin. 

They didn’t talk more about singing or church or the past, settling instead on safer topics like the drama they were watching and Jisung’s roommate who was still convinced that Jisung and Jeongin were dating. 

Being with Hyunjin was easy.

They were deep in a discussion about whether Chan’s latest demo had in fact been about Minho - despite the older man's firm denial - when they turned the corner, and Jeongin came to a stop when he suddenly saw Felix and Changbin. 

They were standing outside the restaurant, Changbin’s arm around Felix’s shoulder and Felix’s arm around Changbin’s waist. They looked like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together perfectly. They were talking, faces turned slightly to each other, both of them smiling softly. It was like they were lost too were in their own world, perfectly content with each other. Changbin smirked, leaning in to kiss Felix softly, making the blond man giggle and glow like sunshine.

Jeongin sighed deeply.

“Something wrong?” Hyunjin asked, watching Jeongin carefully, his hand tightening around his fingers.

“It must be so nice,” Jeongin said, not even trying to hide the longing in his voice. “Imagine having someone looking at you like that, to smile at you like you’re their whole world and smiling back, because you are also looking at your whole world,” Jeongin smiled crookedly, trying to quell the bitter jealousy in his stomach. “Love is so beautiful.”

“I know, you said you wanted to get married,” Hyunjin coughed, suddenly sounding a little weird. Jeongin looked up, but Hyunjin was back at looking at his own shoes (Which was fair enough, because Hyunjin was wearing the lace-up boots again, and Jeongin had had a hard time not looking at those long lithe limbs since they met). “But would that be something you’d want?”

“Having people stare at me?” Jeongin smiled, eyes glinting with mirth.

“No, like a relationship,” Hyunjin asked, finally daring to look up at Jeongin and meet his eyes. “With a man, I mean. Out and open, being in each other's arms on the street and kissing and all that. I know you said you wanted to love… but would you actually want to ,” he added in a rush. 

“I know wanting to be with someone isn’t the same as actually being with someone, so…” Hyunjin trailed off, looking like he wanted to throw himself out on the road or something. Jeongin unconsciously held onto him a little tighter. “Would you, at present, as in right now, want a boyfriend is what I mean,” he finally forced out, looking slightly flustered. “To be in a fully committed, out and proud gay relationship with another man.”

It was a little funny to see Hyunjin get so worked up, but Jeongin somehow understood that there was nothing funny about what Hyunjin was asking. And well, out of all people he supposed Hyunjin would understand if Jeongin said no. If he admitted to not being ready, and yet…

Jeongin took a deep breath and looked back at where Felix and Changbin were still talking, now somehow pressed closer together. 

It seemed like an impossible dream, but Jeongin did want it. He wanted to be just as free and open with his love.

The truth was that perhaps he was ready.

“Yeah,” Jeongin breathed out, a smile blossoming on his face as he looked at his friends. “I’d love to be like that too. And to get married at one point, as well. I don't know where I’d find anyone who’d want me, but I’d love to just… Love,” Jeongin said with a laugh, his heart feeling fluttery. 

“And well, now is as good a time as ever,” Jeongin added with a shake of his head. “You know what they say, there is never a right or a wrong time, there is just time. As Chan keeps saying, today is a gift. If that gift contains love you’d be an idiot to turn it away just because it might be a little difficult. And, well, I was never the one having an issue with holding people’s hands,” he said tugging humorously at their own - very platonically - entwined hands. “It was always someone else who thought it was wrong. And I don't believe in them anymore,” he added with playful childish defiance as he turned to look at Hyunjin with a bright smile.

Hyunjin didn’t laugh. He just looked at him with unreadable eyes. “I don’t think you’d have a hard time finding someone to love you,” Hyunjin said, his voice a little rough as he just stared at Jeongin. “You’re… perfect.”

“You have to say that. You’re my friend,” Jeongin laughed, shaking his head and ignoring how it felt like his whole self had been rearranged over the swoop his heart had just taken. “Come on,” he said, dragging Hyunjin with him towards their friends, “Let’s go greet them instead of staring at them.”

“No,” Jeongin said a little too fast, his cheeks only getting a deeper pink. “I'm meeting a friend,” Jeongin said, the word still feeling a little foreign when it came to Hyunjin. 

Ever since meeting Hyunjin, the stranger, and not the teenage crush, he and Jeongin had begun developing a bit of a routine; Whenever both of them had a brief moment of freedom, they would meet up and get to know each other. Slowly but surely they were becoming…something. All Jeongin knew was that he couldn't wait to meet up with Hyunjin and whenever they were together time seemed to fly, flowing through his fingers like sand. 

Still, Jeongin had made sure that Hyunjin didn't take away from his usual time spent with the others. That, on the other hand, just meant that any other free moment Jeongin had was occupied by Hyunjin.

“Must be some friend, huh,” Yedam said, but his tone was kind, and perhaps a little teasing. “The same friend you met last week?” He asked, eyes on his bag where he was taking a little longer to stuff his computer into than usual. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, hand tightening around the strap of his bag. “He has most of the afternoon off, so he keeps me company while I wait for my 2 p.m. lecture.” Jeongin moved his feet a little, still unsure how this arrangement even came to be, and how it became such a natural part of his days.

“Hmm, cool,” Yedam said, following Jeongin as they left the lecture hall. “Wish my friends wanted to meet up with me, but they’re too busy chasing girls,” he added with a grimace that made Jeongin laugh.

“What, you don’t crash their blind dates?” Jeongin quipped, nudging Yedam with his elbow.

“They banned me,” Yedam signed, with fake despair. “Told me I stole all the girls. Like it’s my fault I look this good,”

“Sure,” Jeongin said unimpressed. “Don’t you have a lecture you need to go to?”

“Not today,” Yedam said, trailing after Jeongin out of the building and towards the cafe. “Prof is ill, so I have time to go see who this friend of yours is special enough to warrant you wearing slacks and a fancy sweater. Even your jacket is elegant,” he added, tugging at the woolen coat Jeongin was wearing. “Damn, Jeongin, you're beginning to look cool after you dumped those cursed polos.”

“I literally fished this one out of the trash,” Jeongin said, smoothing out the thick woolen fabric. It had indeed come out of a trash can, but a clean one at his local secondhand shop. “And I'm just getting really good at thrifting. You should join me. You wouldn’t believe what some people throw out.” 

“Oh, I know,” Yedam said with an eye roll. “That’s why I want to be an engineer. So I can make more sustainable solutions for the future, and maybe find better ways to reuse fabrics,” Yedam finished with a passionate expression. Jeongin couldn’t help but feel a twinge in his stomach as he listened to his friend. Jeongin wished he had such passion for his education and a plan for the future. 

Meanwhile, Jeongin was just here because his parents wanted it, and he was too scared to say no. Hell, Jeongin still wasn’t sure if he got to stay in Seoul, or if he had to go home on the other side of finals. 

“That’s really great,” Jeongin said, the honesty making his voice a little frail. “I wish I had such a goal for my future,” he sighed. 

“Well, just getting a job is honorable enough in this world,” Yedam said, clearly not accepting being put on a pedestal. “And the dreamers dream and make the big pictures. We need dependable people to tell us we're being idiots once in a while and fix our mistakes,” he added with a wink. 

“I think you’ll need a whole army to keep you on the ground,” Jeongin teased back, tugging his head into his scarf. It was beginning to get cold. He grinned when Yedam shoved at him, shoving him right back. 

They continued to talk about a few random things, mostly music and the assignment they had to hand in soon, and before Jeongin was truly ready, they were at the cafe. He looked up, heart doing an odd summersault as he spotted Hyunjin in their usual spot.  

“Fuck,” Yedam said when he followed Jeongin’s eyes to the almost empty cafe. 

Hyunjin turned his head and caught Jeongin’s eyes. He smiled so brightly that Jeongin swore the sun had reemerged upon the gray sky above them. 

“Are you meeting the blond god over there?” Yedam asked, eyebrows all the way up under his bangs as he turned to look at Jeongin wave back at Hyunjin.

“Yeah, that’s my friend,” Jeongin said, words still feeling unfitting to what Hyunjin was. “Hyunjin. He’s an artist,” he said, pride filling his words. 

“Shit,” Yedam said again, a sly smirk blooming on his face. “Go fucking get it, Jeongin.”

“It’s not like that,” Jeongin chided with a frown. Because it wasn’t. Not really. It was something, but not what Yedam was implying. It couldn't be. Though, Jeongin did want it to be. But it wasn’t.

“With how he is glaring at me right now, it definitely is,” Yedam said amused and Jeongin blinked in surprise when he turned to look at Hyunjin and found the other staring at Yedam like he was something disgusting under his shoes. “That man is not just your friend and if he is, he’s not intending to stay that way for long.”

“We’ve only hung out for like three weeks,” Jeongin said, biting his lips as he looked back at Hyunjin who seemingly got progressively more and more sour by the second.

“And people have been married after knowing each other for a shorter time. I know you read those sappy books about romance. Don’t pretend not to be a hidden romantic,” Yedam said, eyes returning to Jeongin, something serious to his words. “When you know, Jeongin, you just know. Don’t let that overthinking brain of yours stop you from getting something just because you think it’s too soon or it’s wrong,” he continued before he lifted his hand and placed it on Jeongin’s chest.

“Think a little more with this, okay,” he said, and patted Jeongin’s chest gently. “Come here,” Yedam said, folding Jeongin into a close hug, and tilted his face so he could whisper into his ear. “This will look like I’m giving you a kiss on the cheek, if he really likes you, he’ll look super funny once we pull apart.”

Jeongin pulled away from Yedam, ready to throttle his friend, but he couldn't help the curiosity that arose within him, so he turned to look at Hyunjin. He did indeed look a bit funny; An odd combination of constipation and annoyance had crossed his face, and yet there was a hint of sadness to his eyes Jeongin didn’t quite like.

“Told you he liked you,” Yedam said, beginning to walk away backward, a sly smirk playing in the corner of his lips. “Now go get your boy,” he laughed as he turned on his heels and ran away. Jeongin swore he was going to kill him with his own pencil one day.

With a deep breath, Jeongin turned around and made his way toward the cafe with quick steps. He wanted to run away when he opened the door, seeing the wide smirk of the short-haired barista stare teasingly at him, already pushing his usual order towards him.

“Already paid for,” she said in a sing-song voice. “Dream boat over there ordered for you,” she added with a smile better suited for a tiger about to eat its prey. Jeongin smiled tightly, accepting his coffee, and made his way to where Hyunjin was very pointedly looking at his own hands.

“Hi, I hope I didn't keep you waiting,” Jeongin said, sliding into what had become his usual seat. Like always he was struck by how nice Hyunjin looked. His eyes couldn’t help but drift to his shoulder where he knew the other man had a tattoo just out of sight. He wondered if he would ever get to see it. “Our lecture dragged on a bit,” he added when Hyunjin remained silent. 

“It’s fine,” Hyunjin said, a faint pout to his words. Jeongin frowned, a little confused as he slipped his jacket off, not missing how Hyunjin gave him a few secret glances, eyes lingering just a little too long on his chest. 

“Who’s the friend?” Hyunjin asked, almost a little too nonchalant. The last word was said in a sour twist, eyebrows furrowing as he refused to meet Jeongin’s eyes.

He almost looked jealous… even if the thought was preposterous. 

“Yedam. We have physics together,” Jeongin said, leaned back, and took a sip of his coffee. 

“You two looked very… close,” Hyunjin said, words pointed and hard. “Something I should help keep away from the gossiping aunts that are our friends?” Hyunjin added, eyes just barely looking at Jeongin before they flickered away again. “Or should I perhaps begin to urge Minho to order more than eight pizzas on Fridays?” 

“I’d hardly say our friends are that bad at gossiping,” Jeongin said with a little laugh. He made the mistake of looking up at the barista who was giving him an unimpressed look. “And no, there will be no need to order more pizza. Or rather, there would be no need to order more pizza if you all just listened to what I said. I made a whole spreadsheet to prove my point. Half of you can eat more than one pizza, and I'm tired of sharing,” he hurried to say, cheeks getting pink. “Yedam is a friend. Just a friend,” he added, ignoring how his heart did an odd jump when Hyunjin looked up at him, eyes clearing as a big bright smile blossomed on his face. 

Jeongin had to look away, his eyes falling to the book next to Hyunjin. His eyes widened. 

“Oh my, you’ll love this!” Jeongin exclaimed, pulling the book away from Hyunjin. “I read the other book she wrote and loved it. I swear, I read it like five times in high school. I had to hide it in a cover from a biology book to keep my mom from finding it,” he said with a bright smile, almost caressing the cover as he stared up at Hyunjin.

“I didn’t know you read stuff like this,” Jeongin said, almost giddy. Hyunjin looked at him a little stunned with a soft smile on his face. His fingers twitched, reaching for his pitch-black americano before he answered.  

“I thought Seungmin told you what I read already. He keeps complaining about my love for soft romance plots,” Hyunjin said laughing when Jeongin gave him a hard look. “Yeah, yeah. Strangers, I remember, but yeah. She's one of my favorite authors. I love how real she makes her worlds. Like you could step right into them.”

Jeongin's stomach made that odd swoop again, and he couldn’t stop smiling even if his cheeks were beginning to hurt. Somehow he hadn’t expected that it would be so easy to get along with Hyunjin and yet it was. 

“So, favorite novel?” Jeongin asked, leaning forward as he looked Hyunjin in the eyes. “And no cheating. I want the truth,” he added, narrowing his eyes for fun. Hyunjin’s eyes scrunched up in the way Jeongin meant he was hiding a smile before he too leaned forward.

“Demanding,” Hyunjin teased, long fingers reaching out to steal his book back. They touched Jeongin’s own, lingering just a touch too long before Hyunjin’s hand retreated, his head tilting to his side. “On another note, you look nice today. The sweater really makes your eyes shine,” he said, leaning back and began to talk about his favorite novels.

In his chest, Jeongin’s heart skipped a beat. 

oOo

Jeongin stuffed his phone in his pocket, ignoring another one of his mother’s phone calls as he made his way down the street. He would have to call her later and tell her he was at the library, but for now, he just wasn’t in the mood to talk with her. All she wanted to do was discuss plans for when he was moving back home again, and how they should go about moving his things efficiently.

Jeongin was still trying to find a very good way of telling her the answer was never, and, no, there would be no moving. 

The streets were busy considering it was a Thursday, people milling about looking either ready to seize the night, or ready to kneel over. Jeongin, personally, was in the second category. He cursed at himself for being nice and telling Felix that, of course, he would go to the larger grocery store, and see if they had his preferred cereal. 

This morning it had seemed like a little thing to agree to in order to get rid of a pouty Felix, but at this moment it was no longer the case; Not when he had walked all the way here, been almost murdered by three different moms while he was doing the rest of his grocery shopping, and then somehow had to carry it all the way back home.

Jeongin tried to keep Felix’s smiling face in his mind as he made his way through the crowded streets, his shoulders bumping into people no matter what he did. Someone rammed into him hard enough to make him stumble, almost losing his balance as he crashed into some poor innocent guy, almost making both of them drop their things.

“Shit, I'm sorry,” Jeongin hurried to say as he was trying to push himself away from the stranger. “Seriously, I'm so sorry, I just completely - Hyunjin?” His eyes got wide as he looked up at his friend, paint in his hair and a big puffy jacket hiding most of him away from the world.

“Jeongin! Hi, what are you doing here?” Hyunjin said, pulling both of them away from the rush of people. He reached up, trying to hide his paint-stained hair under his black beanie, but it didn’t really work since he also had a long line of azure blue on his chin. 

He looked different without makeup, but still beautiful. Jeongin had to stop his hand from reaching up to help him hide his hair, so instead, he just smiled shyly.

“Felix ran out of cereal, and somehow I found myself agreeing to pick it up after my lecture,” Jeongin shrugged, eyes falling to the bag Hyunjin was carrying. “What are you up to?” He asked, trying not to seem too awkward.

“I was in the art supplies store,” Hyunjin said, pointing at a store a few meters back with windows filled with canvases and a myriad of stuff Jeongin wouldn’t know what to do with. “Ran out of titanium white, and once I was in there… well, I stocked up a little,” he said, lifting the bag in his hand which was way too big for only one tube of paint.  

“Mood,” Jeongin said, moving a little as he was almost knocked down again. This only brought him closer to Hyunjin, and suddenly he could feel his senses overwhelmed by the flirtatious scent of his cologne. Jeongin breathed in deeply, almost getting drunk on the way the crisp winter air mingled with the perfume. “I, erhm, I better get home before the bags cut my hands off,” he hurried to say before his body gave in to the urge to lean into Hyunjin’s side. 

“I'm going that way,” Hyunjin said, hurriedly reaching out to take a few of Jeongin’s bags. “Here let me help you,” he added, successfully stealing about half the bags.

“You don’t live that close to us,” Jeongin said, feeling a little awkward when he realized he actually had no idea where Hyunjin even lived. “Do you?” He asked suddenly feeling dumb. He wanted to hit himself because now things were going to be awkward again.

“It’s like a ten-minute detour,” Hyunjin said with a shrug, already moving away. Jeongin sighed, knowing there wasn’t a need to put up a fight. Besides, it was easier being two people carrying the groceries than just one. 

Jeongin might have been a little tempted by the good offer on his favorite snacks, so the bags were more than overstuffed. 

“So, titanium white,” Jeongin said, trying to pretend he knew something about art. His mom had not really allowed him close to any creative outlet thinking he wouldn’t need it so he knew next to nothing about painting, drawing, or anything about what Hyunjin spent most of his time doing.

“Hmm, it was silly. I knew I didn’t have much left and then decided to sit down and do a painting in pastels.” Jeongin almost jumped when he felt Hyunjin’s arm around his shoulders. His heart calmed when he realized Hyunjin had just meant to guide him away from a large group of rowdy teenagers. 

“I would love to see some of your paintings one day,” Jeongin said softly as they finally turned away from the crowded streets. He couldn’t help but breathe a little easier as they suddenly had an excuse to put more distance between them. 

“You already have,” Hyunjin said with a small frown, confusion coloring his features. 

“No. I’ve only seen your drawings,” Jeongin said, confused. “Felix keeps pinning new ones to the fridge every time you’re over,” he added, daring a look up at Hyunjin. Even in the streetlight glow did he look otherworldly. Hyunjin had an inexplicable ability to make everything seem dull and dismal the moment he entered the scene, his presence making everything seem less than his ethereal disposition.

“You literally have one of my paintings hanging over your TV,” Hyunjin said with a smile, looking down at Jeongin, who in return blinked, mind going a bit blank for a brief moment at how close they were. He turned to look away immediately. “Didn’t Felix ever tell you it was me who made it?”

Jeongin thought of the blue and pink roses that intertwined together, the painting he had spent many nights staring at when he couldn’t find it in himself to get ready for bed. The painting had always brought him comfort and calm whenever he felt lost or confused. Now that he knew, it didn’t surprise him that it was Hyunjin who had painted it. The other man had always had such a calming effect on Jeongin when he was younger, and when he felt uncomfortable being at church. Of course, that feeling would seep into Hyunjin’s art.

“No, Felix hasn’t told me,” Jeongin said, eyes on the tips of his boots. “It’s beautiful, though. I really like it,” Jeongin was silent for a brief moment before he continued. “I also really like your sketches. You’re really talented. I kinda wish I could show my mom.”

“Why can’t you?” Hyunjin asked, head tilting as he looked down at Jeongin. “They’re just drawings.”

“My mother doesn't like art unless it’s from someone famous,” Jeongin said with a tight smile. “And by famous, I mean was alive a good hundred years ago. She doesn't even like Monet. She thinks he’s too messy.”

Hyunjin laughed at that, a cute little sound that made Jeongin’s stomach tie into silly little knots. 

Just like that, Hyunjin began to talk about art, using words Jeongin barely knew, and mentioned techniques Jeongin had never heard about. He was completely out of his comfort zone, uninformed about every third word coming out of Hyunjin’s mouth, but the other was more than willing to explain things when he lost Jeongin completely. 

From there the conversation flowed as it always did; natural and authentic, as if they had known each other for years and not just weeks. Jeongin forgot all about being flustered and slowly the awkwardness just disappeared, almost as if it hadn’t been there at all. Jeongin hated to admit it, but he almost felt disappointed as they turned down his street. 

“And here we are,” Hyunjin said. Jeongin was almost deluded enough to believe Hyunjin sounded as disappointed as he felt. “Say hi to Felix from me,” Hyunjin said, as he held out the shopping bag for Jeongin to take.

Jeongin looked up at the apartment and back at Hyunjin, a silly idea blooming in his mind.

“Would you like to come up?” He asked, almost regretting the words as he saw Hyunjin’s eyes widen. “I don't know when Felix will be back, but he’s making pasta for dinner, and I'm sure we have enough for you as well…. As thanks for dragging all this stuff home with me,” Jeongin added in a rush, words mushed together.

Hyunjin just looked at him.

“You don’t have to, of course,” Jeongin rushed to say awkwardness descending back onto their shoulders. “I just thought, maybe we could watch that drama Seungmin didn’t want to watch with you. The one you told me about, which premiered last week. But if you have-”

“I’d love that,” Hyunjin said, voice cutting Jeongin off. “I kinda hate eating alone… and, well, watching dramas is funnier when you’re two.”

“Okay,” Jeongin said, nodding. Before he could change his mind he turned on his heel, hoping Hyunjin would follow him as he made his way to the door. “Okay,” He said under his breath, feeling a bit giddy.

When Felix came home later that evening, Hyunjin and Jeongin were in a pile on the couch, heavily discussing the drama and animatedly defending each of their favorite characters. 

oOo

Jeongin was amazed at how much he was able to do now he had his Friday afternoons off. He only had lectures till around noon, leaving him the whole afternoon free when he didn't have to go to Bible study. 

In the beginning, he had just gone home, but there was still something a little depressing about his and Felix’s apartment when he was there alone. He had tried the library, but he was never really as effective as he wanted to be when he was there, so instead, he had ended up at Minho’s place, and somehow that was much better. 

It was a standing agreement that whoever arrived first just locked himself in on Fridays anyway, so Jeongin didn’t even feel like an intruder as he turned the speakers on, his homework playlist filling the apartment as he crouched down and tried to get as much work done as he could. 

Jeongin was lost in his thoughts when he heard the door to Minho’s apartment open. He looked up from his homework when Seungmin entered, the other man only barely able to hide his surprise at Jeongin already being present. 

“Hi,” Seungmin said, eyebrows going up as he looked at Jeongin. 

“Hi,” Jeongin said with a smile, saving his work as he looked up at his friend. “I made coffee,” he added, a little helplessly when Seungmin just stared at him. 

“Great,” Seungmin said, apparently deciding Jeongin’s sudden appearance on a Friday, where he wasn’t usually available, didn’t demand more of his attention. He went to the kitchen and got a mug, and sat down on the couch next to Jeongin, pulling out his own homework and allowing them to drift into a comfortable silence. 

Jeongin eventually finished his work and gleefully pulled out his novel and began to read, him and Seungmin speaking when needed, but otherwise allowed themselves to just be. 

Minho arrived a little after 4 p.m. sweaty and tired from his dance class, and while he did look a little oddly at Jeongin, he didn’t comment on him being there either. He just threw his drenched shirt at Seungmin’s head to annoy him before he disappeared into the shower.

While he was showering, Jeongin washed his and Sungmin's mugs, exchanged them with glasses of soda, and picked up a bottle of water for Minho. When Felix stopped by a little later - before Minho even got out of the shower - he was the only one who didn’t seem surprised, he just sat down next to Jeongin, and picked up their conversation from the morning from where they had left it. 

“So,” Minho said as he emerged from the depths of his apartment in a big fluffy sweater and sweats. “Are we doing pizza or sushi?” He looked tired and Jeongin barely got to reply before Felix was up, already massaging the aches in Minho’s shoulders away. 

“Pizza,” Seungmin said with that air of finality that didn't beg for any arguing. 

“Then we’re ordering ten,” Jeongin said, crossing his arms and getting ready for a fight. “I will not have all of you trying to sneak a piece of my pizza because you’re still all hungry. You keep saying you just need one pizza each, and yet, every damn time you all try and eat the rest of mine because you never have enough.”

“Whatever the boss demands,” Minho said with a grin as he surrendered to Felix’s ministrations of his sore shoulders. “And you could also just eat faster so you weren't the only one with food left.”

“What is wrong with savoring your food?” Jeongin muttered, knowing the older man would just ignore him. “Some of us have manners.”

“When do we think our poor husbands will return from war?” Minho asked, indeed ignoring Jeongin. He was eyeing the time which was already well past the time they agreed to meet. 

“Changbin promised me they should be here soon,” Felix said, with a sigh. “Or he said so like an hour ago, so I think they should at least be on their way. I really thought Hyunie would bring more sense to them.”

“I think he’s as bad as Chan,” Jeongin muttered without really thinking. “The other day he was like half an hour late because he just had ‘fix something’ which apparently took longer than he thought.”

“How are the dates coming along?” Seungmin asked with a smirk. Jeongin glared at him. 

“They’re not dates,” Jeongin huffed sourly, sinking into the couch. “And shouldn't you all be happy we’re actually getting along?”

“Hmm, you did look pretty cozy the other day when I came home,” Felix teased, thankfully setting Minho out of the conversation by burying his thumbs between his shoulder blades. Minho's eyes fluttered closed with a groan, but Jeongin got the feeling the older man would be pestering him later.

“We were just watching a drama,” Jeongin said, affronted, ready to battle Felix because there was no limit to what Jeongin had walked in on after Felix and Changbin had finally stopped hiding. 

Jeongin didn’t get to say much as the door suddenly banged open, making all of them jump. Minho just gave the door an annoyed look when Felix stopped massaging his shoulders. 

“We’re here!” Chan announced, sounding very much out of breath. “Please tell me we made it before Jeongin because he will yell at us if we’re late again,” he said, jumping into the room, still trying to get one shoe off.

He blinked, eyes going comically wide as he spotted Jeongin. 

“Did we make it?” Jisung gasped, looking about ready to kneel over as he followed Chan. He looked at Jeongin smiling a little confused.

“You’re early,” Jisung accused as he fell into a heap of limbs on the floor. “Fuck, Chan, I'm never running again,” he whined breathlessly from the floor. 

“But,” Chan looked at Minho and the others with confusion. “Didn’t you have Bible study today?” He asked, pulling out his phone to check the time. “Did you finish early?” he added, as he took in the time with a frown. Behind him Changbin and Hyunjin arrived, looking a lot worse for wear than Jisung. Clearly, they had run most of the way. 

Jeongin bit his lip, his hand reaching up to fidget with his crucifix. 

“I don’t go to Bible study anymore,” Jeongin said, eyes on his hands and the golden Jesus staring back at him. With a sigh, he let go of the crucifix and reached out to grab a pillow, and hid his stomach behind it. The silence dragged on as Jeongin refused to say any more, just staring defiantly at the table.

Jeongin just wasn’t ready to tell anyone he had converted. 

“Jeongin,” Hyunjin complained dramatically, breaking the silence like a pane of glass shattering to pieces. “Chan made me run,” he fake sobbed, staggering over like an overgrown toddler and throwing himself at Jeongin. 

“Hey, you’re squishing me!” Jeongin reprimanded as he tried to push the gangly guy off him, except the more he struggled the more Hyunjin seemed to stick to him. “You’re all sweaty. Disgusting. Get off me!” 

Seungmin, being as supportive as ever, jumped off the couch and quickly snapped a few pictures with his phone. 

“Oh, how the turns have tabled,” Minho sighed, pulling Chan down next to him as Changbin just smiled and rolled his eyes as he joined the beaming Felix. “Look at all our kids getting along,” he said, leaning into Chan's side and making the other man sputter.

“Yeah,” Chan said red-cheeked, watching as Hyunjin tried to press his sweaty cheek to Jeongin’s, only making the youngest scream louder as everyone else laughed, the silence long gone. 

oOo

As always, Jeongin was right about them having to order ten pizzas, so he was happily munching the last slice of his own, the others busy lying around overstuffed with food, while they tried to hash out what kind of movie they wanted to watch. 

“Nothing scary,” Jeongin muttered around his pizza, giving Minho a sharp look. “I'm not having Felix crawl into my bed for the rest of the week.” His eyes drifted to where Changbin was laughing along with the others. “Or Changbin. My bed isn’t big enough for three.”

Which was a lie. Jeongin had had both Jisung and Chan sleeping in his bed once, and while it had been tight, no one had ended up on the floor.

“Hey!” Changbin protested as the others began to laugh at him instead. “I can handle scary.”

“Because you get up and go to the bathroom halfway and only return for the last five minutes,” Jisung muttered with a grin, gnawing away on his pineapple pizza with joy. Jeongin reached over and snatched a piece, making Jisung look at him betrayed, cheeks puffed up with food.

“Hamster,” Hyunjin giggled, his face scrunching up as he pointed at Jisung delightedly. 

“Please,” Chan said, stealing a piece from Changbin. “Nothing too scary. Jisung and Felix almost ruined my ears last time.”

“Why are you all picking on me?” Jisung asked, affronted. 

“Because it’s easy,” Seungmin said with a grin, already ducking away from the pillow flying his way. 

“Are we seriously going to watch another superhero movie?” Minho sighed, already queuing up the next Marvel movie in line on their shared watchlist. “I swear you’re all just buying into Chan’s need to lust after muscly men.”

“Doesn’t he already have Changbin?” Jeongin asked innocently, loving how Chan almost choked on his food while Hyunjin descended into another puddle of giggles next to him.

“Hey, that’s my man you’re talking about,” Felix said which earned him a grateful smile from his boyfriend. “And we all know Binnie isn’t tall enough to have the amount of muscle Chan desires. It’s six feet or nothing.”

“HEY!” Changbin yelled, tackling Felix to the floor, obnoxiously kissing his face all over. “I'm not small.”

“He’s fun-sized,” Chan said helpfully, patting the top of Changbin’s head as he and Felix rolled around on the floor at his feet. 

“Going by how Felix sounds sometimes I'd say he’s far from fun size,” Jeongin muttered under his breath, making Hyunjin and Jisung almost choke on their food. Felix looked up from the floor with wide eyes, and Changbin looked a little like he wished the word would just end him.

Seungmin leaned back in his seat, applauding Jeongin while he nodded in admiration. 

“Well,” Minho said, coughing as he tried to hide his grin. He reached out and gently pushed Chan’s jaw closed. “Movie?” The others nodded and soon they were all squeezed tightly together facing Minho’s television. 

Jeongin really shouldn't have been surprised when Hyunjin was suddenly pressed close to his side. The other man had already kept pretty close to Jeongin since he arrived, sitting next to him and talking almost constantly. 

Jeongin didn’t mind. It was nice. But when both Seungmin and Jisung suddenly wanted to sit on the couch, Hyunjin had been forcefully fused to Jeongin’s side. 

And it was doing bad things to his heart. 

“Am I squeezing you again?” Hyunjin asked, leaning even closer as he whispered into Jeongin’s ear. 

“No,” Jeongin whispered back because as much as Hyunjin’s closeness made it impossible to follow along in the movie - which Jeongin had already watched - Jeongin kind of didn't want to trade it with anything. “It’s fine. If I need space I’ll just kick Jisung off.” 

He knew he shouldn’t have leaned in closer, knew he shouldn’t have breathed in deeply. Hyunjin was wearing cologne again, but it was weak, almost evaporated, leaving a hint of his own deeper scent to linger as well as the enthralling fragrance of his vanilla lip balm. Jeongin couldn’t help but breathe in again, leaning in even closer.

“You can hold my hand if you get scared,” Jeongin teased, hoping he didn’t sound as breathless as he felt. Next to him, Hyunjin shuddered and Jeongin wondered if he had accidentally tickled the other man. 

He jumped a little when he felt Hyunjin’s fingers braid into his own. 

“As a precaution,” Hyunjin whispered back, leaning a little closer as he hid their joined hands from the others. Jeongin just hummed, biting his lips as butterflies tickled his ribs. 

When he and Hyunjin ended up cuddling later no one said anything and Jeongin didn’t complain. Hyunjin was warm and Jeongin swore there wasn’t a better pillow than his chest.

He relaxed into the pillows, happy Minho had already lent him a pair of sweats along with one of Chan’s huge t-shirts that had ‘mysteriously’ ended up in Minho’s laundry.

Jeongin wondered when either of them wanted to act on their respective crushes for each other. With Changbin and Felix already together, it wouldn’t be that odd to have another couple in the little family of friends. And honestly, if they could survive almost tearing themselves apart like they had over this mess with Jeongin, then he was pretty sure they could all survive a breakup.

Not that Jeongin feared that. Both Felix and Changbin seemed like the kind of settling-for-life kind of people. Minho seemed like the type who would never give up what was his, and, well, Chan had been weak for the man long before Jeongin had even met the two of them.

Jeongin picked up his crucifix from where it was resting on his chest. He wondered what they would all say when he moved back home. He knew Jisung and Minho were against it, and they had tried talking with Jeongin about it several times. But it was hard. If Jeongin didn't move he would go against his parents. He also couldn’t come out to them, in an orderly manner, nor could he bring home a partner and show them he had found love in someone. He would risk losing them, and in the worst-case scenario they would cut him off completely and he would miss out on his brothers’ lives. He couldn’t do that. Despite everything, he still carried some form of love for his parents, and his brothers hadn’t harmed him in any intentional way, so to risk losing them all for his own selfish gain seemed immoral.

On the other hand, if he moved home, Jeongin would lose his friends here. Sure, they would only be a good three hours away if he took the fast train, but he had seen friendships fall apart with less distance. He was also pretty sure his mother wouldn’t allow him to go back to Seoul, finding a myriad of excuses to make him stay. Make him miss his train, confiscate his phone permanently, keep him hidden, away, and controlled. 

But if he stayed he would keep his friends and the possibility of finding inner peace. He could take the fight with his mom, hope for the best and take the consequences, stay in Seoul, be happy, and maybe… maybe one day, Jeongin would be sitting in the other room, holding his partner's hand, getting red-cheeked from the others’ teasing.

Perhaps, Jeongin should be selfish and try something new. Start anew.

It seemed so easy… and yet it felt as if Jeongin was moving a mountain. 

“You okay?” Hyunjin’s voice sounded from the door. Jeongin almost jumped off the bed, so lost in his own thoughts he hadn’t heard anyone approach. He sat up, looked at Hyunjin, his heart beating a mile a minute.

“I'm fine,” Jeongin said, a little strangled, which only made Hyunjin chuckle as he entered the room, gently closing the door behind him. Jeongin looked at him, lifting an eyebrow. “What do you want?” He wasn’t quite able to keep his apprehension out of his voice, but Hyunjin didn't seem to mind as he gently sat down at the edge of Minho's bed. 

Fuck, Jeongin thought. Hyunjin was gorgeous as ever, even in a big sweater, no makeup, and a pair of worn jeans. His hair was down, falling into his eyes and making him look so soft Jeongin just wanted to reach out and touch him.

But Jeongin couldn’t.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Hyunjin said, nervously pushing the ring on his index finger in circles with his thumb. “You didn’t really allow me to say too much the last time.”

“Is it jump-Jeongin-day today or something?” Jeongin sighed, falling down on the pillows. They sighed deeply on his behalf. “Seriously,” he muttered to the ceiling.

“I didn’t check my calendar, but it might be,” Hyunjin said weakly, his smile never quite reaching his eyes. “But joking aside, I just feel like I need to clear the air between us. I want to do this properly.”

“You already said sorry,” Jeongin said, eyes on the ceiling. It hurt to look at Hyunjin for too long. Really after all this one would think his heart had gotten over his silly little crush. But no, because it was Jeongin, his crush might actually have gotten deeper. 

God couldn’t possibly fault him for falling for such a kind, creative, confident, and lovely person like Hyunjin. If He had wanted Jeongin to stay chaste and closeted perhaps he just shouldn’t have brought Hyunjin back into his life.

“I didn’t really though, did I?” Hyunjin said with a huff, his ring twirling around and around his finger. “I think I was so convinced you had to be exactly like my parents that I pushed you away. It helped build this idea of you being terrible and judgemental when… when in reality you’re just like me.”

Jeongin’s hand tightened around the pillow under his hand.

“Would you be saying all this if I wasn’t gay?” Jeongin said without being able to stop himself. Hyunjin startled and looked at Jeongin like he had grown a second head. And perhaps he had. But he didn’t want to be forgiven because of his secrets. He had apologized for his words, he had made his penance. If he was granted forgiveness, it should be because they accepted his apology, not because he was suddenly a victim.

“No?” Hyunjin said, tilting his head to the side like he hoped that somehow would make Jeongin make more sense. “I wouldn’t… No.” He finally settled on, crossing his arms as he stared exasperatedly at Jeongin. “I'm just trying to say sorry,” Hyunjin said, taking a deep breath. “I don’t care that you’re gay. I can’t say it doesn’t matter, because I do understand you a lot better and-”

“Because we’re the same we suddenly have to be friends?” Jeongin asked dryly, only earning himself another sigh. 

“No,” Hyunjin said in surrender. “We don’t have to be anything. I’m sorry about the kiss, okay? I was a dumb fuck, and I wish I hadn’t completely fucked over your first kiss. If I could go back I’d do a whole lot different because let's face it, we both have a past together and whether we wanted to or not. We seem to have dragged whatever misconceptions into our friendship now.”

“We’re not friends,” Jeongin said feeling sorry about his harsh words when he watched Hyunjin wince. Still, he didn’t pull them back. “And I don’t think we can be.” Jeongin wished he was lying, but deep down he knew he couldn’t really be friends with Hyunjin as things were now. He was more or less convinced Hyunjin only did this so the others would stop being mad at him. He wasn’t being kind to Jeongin because he wanted to. Jeongin didn’t believe that.

Besides, it was high time Jeongin let him go. That’s what Doyun had told him. Figure out if he needed them in his life, or let them go. And Jeongin had to let Hyunjin go. He couldn’t live without his friends, he knew that now. But he could live without Hyunjin. He had mourned him for three years already. He had already let him go once. 

He had to let the image he had of Hyunjin die, and to let that silly love he had kept so close to his heart go. It was dumb to carry around feelings from when he was a teen.

Jeongin wasn’t a kid anymore. 

His love wasn’t pure and naive, it was rough and all-consuming, and if he didn’t let it go, it would eat him up leaving nothing for others. And Jeongin wanted there to be others, he realized. Wanted there to be people like Yedam who could be more, more than a dream, more than the foolish idolization of a dead boy. 

Jeongin wanted to live. He wanted to be a good Christian, a good friend, and more than anything, he wanted to be happy. He wanted to be himself. Sinful, imperfect, and a mess, but a good person. 

To be worthy of God’s love in his own way. 

And if he wanted that, he had to let Hyunjin go. To let go of the one person he always tried to convince himself was the only one worthy of all his love. Jeongin had such a big heart, and he wanted to love, but he couldn’t allow himself to love unrequitedly. 

And that is what his love for Hyunjin would forever be. Unrequited.

“But…” Hyunjin trailed off, looking taken aback by Jeongin’s harsh words. “What?” He asked, finally looking at Jeongin with wide eyes. He looked hurt, a little betrayed even. But Jeongin had to. 

It was time to forgive Hyunjin for dying, but to do that he had to carve him out of his heart once and for all.

Some knots just couldn't be left untangled. 

“I think we should just be strangers, Hyunjin. You’re friends with my friends, I'm friends with your friends. Today we barely even talked,” Jeongin said, forcing faux reason into his own words. “So when you see me, just ignore me, Hyunjin. Treat me like a stranger. Like someone you only barely know.” 

Jeongin breathed in deeply, clutching his crucifix so hard it hurt. 

“I love every single person in the other room. They can hurt me, and tear me to pieces, but I love them to death. And I can’t…. I can’t risk another argument that tears us apart, and, Hyunjin, when you look at me, you still see Jeongin who used to sing, the good little Catholic boy.” 

Jeongin sat up, curling up on the bed so he took up as little space as he could. 

“When I look at you I still see a dead boy,” he admitted - or lied, Jeongin wasn't sure. His eyes were downcast, crucifix pressing painfully into his palm. “And it’s not fair to either of us. So, Hyunjin, let's just be strangers,” he said, eyes lifting to meet Hyunjin’s beautiful gaze. 

Dear God, he loved him so much. 

“Okay,” Hyunjin said, roughly running a hand through his hair, voice cold as he got up from the bed. “We’re strangers,” he agreed, turning and walking out the door, closing it tightly after him as he left. Jeongin fell back on the bed, tears finally escaping as he looked to the ceiling, his heart feeling like it had been broken into a thousand pieces. 

The room suddenly felt cold. 

oOo

Jeongin hesitated, the door before him feeling more intimidating than a standard apartment door ought to be. His hands were shaking as he lifted his hand to knock, only for it to lower again. 

He really needed to get it together, or the chicken in his tote would get cold and Jeongin didn’t want to disappoint the nice old lady. She had been so happy to see him after such a long time that he didn’t even have to charm her into giving him extra drumsticks. He had gotten almost a whole extra chicken. 

He looked down at the bag, feeling bad about all the extras she had sneaked into it as well. 

With a deep breath, Jeongin got his shit together and punched in the code to Chan’s apartment door, his stomach filling with butterflies as he stepped into the quiet room. He sighed at the darkness, only the light from Chan’s computer illuminating the room.

Jeongin kicked off his shoes and pulled out his phone to text Minho to come by later. They had all known it had been bad when Chan hadn’t replied since the day before, but it had been a while since Chan had had this bad of a writer's block. 

Ironically, Jeongin had been the only one not having to work or attend a lecture. 

Almost like it was fate… or, as Doyun usually put it, God working in mysterious ways. 

Jeongin stepped into the quiet room where only Chan’s angry clicking and tapping on his computer could be heard. He tried to make as little noise as possible while he put down his bag and the chicken. Chan, being completely lost to the world, seemingly didn’t hear a thing. 

Jeongin went to the kitchen, pulled out Chan’s pineapple juice and poured a glass, and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. Jeongin knew the older man had to be dehydrated as hell. 

Jeongin walked over to Chan, taking a deep breath as he sat the glass and bottle down, reaching up to pull Chan's earphones off. The older man startled so much that he fell off the chair, landing on the floor in a heap of limps. Jeongin gave him an unimpressed look and pushed the glass of juice into his hand.

“Drink,” he said.

“Jeongin,” Chan asked, eyes wide as he looked up, blinking a few times like he was worried he was dreaming. “What are you doing here?” He asked, looking confused at the glass in his hand. 

“Drink,” Jeongin said with a huff, leaning in over the desk, quickly saving Chan’s work. “I’m here to save you from yourself,” Jeongin looked down at his friend, lifting an eyebrow. “And I can see I was needed.”

“But…” Chan said confused, eyes widening in fear as Jeongin glared at him. Without daring to say more he hurriedly started drinking his juice while Jeongin took a trip around the room, huffing like a disappointed mom as he tidied up the room and turned on the lights, drawing the curtains from the tiny window, allowing just a little sunlight to creep into the room.

“I can’t believe you’re older than me,” Jeongin huffed as he kicked a black t-shirt over into the corner. “Seriously, drink!” Chan stopped looking at him and finished his glass of juice. 

“There is water on the table as well,” Jeongin said with a sharp look, going to the kitchen to fetch plates. At least Chan had done his dishes this time. “I already talked with Minho, he is coming by after his last dance class so enjoy your chicken because he’ll be forcing you to eat salad and boiled chicken for the next week.”

Chan just looked at him like he was a koala in a tutu.

“Drink your water,” Jeongin sighed jumping on the bed, making himself comfortable in his usual spot, dragged the food over, and began to unpack the many boxes “The old lady went a bit sideways so there is a lot of- Oouff,” Jeongin was interrupted, his arms suddenly full of Chan. 

“I've missed you,” Chan said, words pressed into Jeongin’s hair. “I’ve missed you so so fucking much,” he added, a few tears sneaking their way into Jeongin’s hair. 

“Me too,” Jeongin said, breathing out and letting the last trace of anger escape him, and wrapped his arms around the other. “Fuck, I’ve missed you,” Jeongin said, tears stinging in his eyes as he pressed Chan closer, reveling in his warmth. Doyun might have had a very good point about forgiving and moving on. 

Who cared about cold chicken anyways? 

Hugs were much better.    

oOo

Jeongin looked at Hangyeol. Really truly looked at him for the first time. Before, Jeongin was so sure Hangyeol had been the most devout man he had ever met, but the more Hangyeol spoke the more in doubt he sounded. 

The many ways of quoting, the repetition of old interpretations, and the continued belief that God would only love humanity if humans followed His words perfectly. All of it was beginning to sound like Hangyeol was convincing himself that he was right, that everything said to him growing up religious was correct, and that he specifically deserved salvation before others. 

The feeling didn’t sit right with Jeongin. He looked down at his black Bible, the cover worn and soft under his fingers. There were cracks in the gilded parts, some of the gold flaking off. The words in it were still true, but looking at Hangyeol, Jeongin was sure there had to be other ways to read them.

As Jisung had said, humans liked reading what they wanted to read, and liked to preach what they wanted to teach.

Hangyeol’s way of reading seemed far-fetched, small-minded, and didn’t align with the way Jeongin read those words. What Hangyeol was saying sounded like absolute rubbish, like he was forcefully interpreting words in order to spin them to fit his personal views. 

Hangyeol’s reading was so far from anything Jeongin had ever felt while reading the word of God.

But those words formed on Hangyeol’s tongue were the same words Jeongin had been taught to listen to his entire life. Words Jeongin had forced himself to agree with no matter how morally wrong it seemed to him.

Hangyeol was speaking the words of Father Kim, Father Hong, his mother, and his father. The words and teachings of his family’s Catholic Church in Busan.

Jeongin wished this epiphany might have come to him at another time, perhaps while he had been studying the Bible, or while talking to Doyun, but no, Jeongin had to come to the conclusion that he could no longer be Catholic while Hangyeol was trying to convince them all that God only loved those who repent their sins in abundance. 

It sounded so ridiculous, so opposite of what Jesus had preached, and for some reason that just pushed Jeongin off the edge. He couldn’t stay here. He couldn’t stay surrounded by teachings he found corrupt. He had spent years trying to convince himself this was the truth, the only path for him to take, but so many things he had been taught in this faith had ruined parts of himself he would never be able to mend. 

He had held himself back in order to follow this faith, this path, and this direction, for so many years, and for so many years it had hurt him to go to church, to confess, to get communion and taste the sacrifice of Jesus on his tongue. Every time without feeling lighter and closer to salvation.

For years he had tried to convince himself he felt the light of God when he went to mass in his Catholic church and that he didn’t feel hollow and further removed from God and His words with every sip of holy wine and every bite of sacramental bread.

Jeongin couldn’t stay surrounded by people who saw his happiness as a sin, he couldn’t stay in a religion that deemed he should hide and ignore several parts of his identity. 

He couldn’t stay Catholic, but maybe he could find a home for his faith in Doyun’s church, where he was welcome regardless of who he was and where God felt closer to Jeongin than He ever had anywhere else.

Jeongin looked down at his bare right index finger, feeling almost silly, because he hadn't already made that choice? He hadn’t been to a Catholic mass in weeks, opting to guest at Doyun's church for sermons instead. 

Jeongin hadn’t missed not going to a Catholic mass like he thought he would. He didn’t feel empty or unfulfilled, instead, he felt heard, seen, and dare he even say it, loved when he sang along to the hymns, bathing in the bright light from the massive chandeliers above. 

Jeongin was not Catholic anymore. He, the true Jeongin, hadn’t been welcome for years, and now he was willing to leave through the already open gate.

Where he expected to find the fear of entering the unknown he found immense relief. 

His head was buzzing oddly for the rest of the discussion, and it was only when he felt Seojin poke gently at his shoulder that he realized they were done. 

“You seem lost,” Seojin stated, stepping back as Jeongin got up from his chair and began to put his jacket on, stuffing his Bible back in his bag. 

“Actually, quite the opposite,” Jeongin said, unable to hold back a big bright smile. Seojin’s cheeks tinted pink as she stared up at him with wide eyes. “I think I finally found my way back,” he didn’t give Seojin any chance to comment before he offered her his arm and dragged her away. 

Behind him the whole class looked at him in bewilderment, none of them sure they had ever even seen him smile before. 

“Was Hangyeol that inspiring today?” Seojin asked with a small giggle as they strode towards the bus, Jeongin almost feeling like he was flying. “I don’t think I've ever seen you like this,” she added with a grin, pressing closer.

“You know the feeling when you’ve been dealing with a problem for ages and you finally find the solution? Well, that is how I feel,” Jeongin said, breathing deeply, the crisp October air burning his lungs, but he didn’t care. “I feel like God has reached down and finally pointed me in the right direction.”

“Oh,” Seojin said, a hint of awe to her voice as she stared up at him, pressing closer. 

“Sadly Hangyeol will have to get some credit. It was his nonsense that finally made me see clearly,” Jeongin said, coming to a stop next to the bus stop. “But I think I finally know what I have to do. To become me. Fully.”

“I think Hangyeol will cry if he heard you call all his carefully thought out monologues nonsense,” Seojin grinned, gently puffing at Jeongin. “So, what did you figure out?” 

“I'm converting,” Jeongin said, voice tight as he looked Seojin directly in the eyes. “I don’t think I'll come back to Bible study either. I'm gay, and I can’t live with a religion that says my love is a sin.”

Seojin blinked at him, her mouth opening and closing a few times.

“Oh,” she said, eyes flickering down to her shoes as she pulled her arm from Jeongin’s side. Jeongin breathed out, feeling another stone roll off his shoulders. He understood that Seojin was shocked, he himself hadn’t even expected to tell her he was gay. But he had to. Because he owed her at least an explanation. So he didn’t become someone who just disappeared.

“If you ever want to,” Jeongin said carefully, knowing he was very likely to get a rejection, “We could go get some coffee, and just talk. You’re a very dear friend to me, Seojin, and I'd be sad if I never saw you again. But I understand if it’s too much.” 

At his words, Seojin looked up, her eyes were a little red and her cheeks were flushed. 

“No, it’s not too much,” She said, shaking her head. “I was just surprised. It isn’t too much, and I understand. I don’t think I could have stayed either… I'm just glad you haven't forsaken God.” 

“I could never. He will always be a part of me. I just don’t think the Catholic way is the right way for me to worship. But it’ll always be a part of me,” he breathed, hardly able to keep the smile off his face. “I just want to be true to myself. To acknowledge that God made me as I am for a reason. And that He loves all parts of me.”

“I think that’s a good thing,” Seojin said, taking a deep breath as she looked up at Jeongin. Her smile was strained and didn’t reach her eyes, but it was there. And deep down Jeongin was sure it was genuine. “And I’d like that cup of coffee. I think I can learn a lot from you,” she said, her voice shaking a little. 

“I’d like that, too,” Jeongin said, calmness filling his veins. “Because I would really like to have you as a friend.” His eyes widened as his arms were suddenly full of Seojin, clinging to him like her life depended on him.

“Me too,” she said, stepping back and hurrying towards her bus that had just arrived. “You already have my number from the member list. Text me,” she said hurrying up the steps to her bus. Jeongin stared after her, waving back at her when the bus took her away. 

That had gone easier than he had expected. 

Jeongin stared at where the bus had been, a laugh bubbling up in his chest. He turned, somehow expecting Hyunjin to be at the cafe, or next to him, but there was nothing but a sea of strangers. 

With a sigh, he turned around, knowing he would never come this way again. 

oOo

Jeongin looked at his computer with narrowed eyes. He wanted to hang one of his characters and he had barely begun writing. With a huff, he got up, and walked up to the pretty barista with the sweet smile and high ponytail - Jeongin’s secret favorite because she didn’t tease him like the short-haired one did. 

She smiled at him as he approached, hands already reaching for a cup before he had spoken - another reason why he liked her, she was always fifteen steps ahead. His eyes flickered over the counter after he had paid, just patiently waiting as his eyes landed on a bright red apple. He scowled at it, hating how much it reminded him of Hyunjin. 

They hadn’t spoken since that night at Minho's last weekend. They hadn’t had any reason to, of course. They weren't friends. And Felix hadn’t had him or anyone else over except Changbin this week. Everyone had papers to hand in, Jeongin included, so they had mostly just texted. 

And it was good that Jeongin hadn’t seen Hyunjin. 

It was perfect. 

“Did you want the apple as well?” The barista asked, pushing Jeongin’s coffee towards him. “You can have it. People aren’t here for the fruits so we usually have to give it away for free so they don’t go bad.”

“Nah, it’s okay, I just got lost in my own head,” Jeongin laughed awkwardly, thanking her for the coffee and settling back in his seat. He looked at his computer and then at the offending apple, taking a deep breath as he dived back into his novel manuscript. If he could just get an outline down then perhaps his main character would stop acting so much like Hyunjin. 

Jeongin was lost in his own world of treacherous gods and societal pitfalls when he vaguely heard the bell chime. His eyes flickered up, noticing a tall guy entering, but he soon returned to his screen. If he wanted to do this, he had to work on it. He ignored the white noise around him and tried to drown out the loud background noises with his own noisy thoughts.

When he finally looked up again it was to the sight of someone sitting in the seat opposite of him. 

“Hi,” Hyunjin said, a seductive smile playing in the corner of his lips. “I’ve kinda seen you around here, and thought I should introduce myself,” he added, reaching his hand out to Jeongin. “I'm Hwang Hyunjin. I study art and music.”

Jeongin blinked, stunned to his very core. Hyunjin looked like he was dressed to impress, half his hair was up in a messy bun atop his head, some escaping to caress his face in a soft yet captivating way. The lightest dust of makeup highlighted his features, and a hint of rosy eyeshadow made his eyes look downright dreamy. 

Inviting and irresistible, were the words Jeongin’s brain provided him for describing Hyunjin’s eyes, and Jeongin had to physically ground himself by tightening the hold around his cup before he accidentally got lost inside those deep brown irises.

Hyunjin’s head was tilted to the side, the few loose strands following with the movement, and the smile on his face made Jeongin’s poor heart gallop away in his chest in a way that couldn’t be healthy. Hyunjin took his breath away, and Jeongin was finding it a little hot all of a sudden.

He was dressed in black, the fabric clinging to him in all the right places and even the sweater under his usual leather jacket was strained over his chest, making his skin look soft and illuminated - even in the subpar lighting from the cafe. He was a mystery of contrast and Jeongin’s eyes could only take so much.

In Hyunjin's free hand was a red apple, looking even more plump and juicy than it had in the fruit bowl.

“Hyunjin,” Jeongin said, voice a little strained. Jeongin had been so ready to kick him away, but all his arguments and logic fizzled out of his head like expired Pop Rocks the moment he looked Hyunjin in the eyes again. 

Jeongin sucked in a breath, butterflies suddenly bursting free in his stomach. 

Hyunjin was looking at him with something akin to hope in his eyes. A light that was getting weaker the longer Jeongin just stared at him like an idiot, but under the hope, there was something else. Something Jeongin recognized from himself. 

Something darker and far more tempting. 

Jeoingin was dumb. So unbelievably dumb. He knew it was him who wanted distance, him who was the one who had resisted, him who wanted them to be nothing but strangers, but he just couldn't stop himself. Without wanting to, he lifted his hand, taking Hyunjin’s warm soft hand in his own. 

Somehow nothing had felt more right.

Jeongin should have known he would never have been able to resist Hyunjin, no matter how hard he tried. And perhaps this would be okay. Maybe if they started out as strangers they would figure each other out. 

Forgive, forget and move on. 

After all, Jeongin wasn't the same anymore and neither was Hyunjin. Those two kids died a long time ago. 

Now was a new beginning. Their very own genesis.

“Nice to meet you,” he said, voice shaking as he held onto the bane of his existence. “I'm Yang Jeongin. I study engineering and literature,” he added, a strange and foreign type of courage rushing through him. 

He could do this. 

He and Hyunjin could be strangers, and then they could become so much more.

Not knowing what possessed him to move, Jeongin reached out with his free hand, taking the apple from Hyunjin’s fingers, sinking his teeth into the crisp flesh, never once breaking his gaze with Hyunjin. 

The apple’s sweet and sour juice burst on his tongue, coating his mouth with its almost intoxicating flavor. It tasted richer, fuller, and better than anything he had ever tasted before.

He licked his lips, cheeks warming when Hyunjin followed the movement with his eyes. He swallowed, the bite sliding down his throat easily, changing him for eternity.

“So,” Jeongin said, tilting his head to the side, allowing his outgrown locks to fall over his eyes. “Why art and music?” He asked, leaning closer to Hyunjin, their fingers tightening around each other. 

Hyunjin smiled at him, the stars in his eyes burning brighter for every second they held Jeongin’s unwavering gaze. “Why? Because of freedom.”

The families gathered their kids, while the few elderly hung around waiting for their friends to follow and accompany them on their way out of the church. It was an oddly lively sound that filled the church, and Jeongin couldn’t help but feel light as he looked up at the big gold cross. 

He closed his eyes, reveling in the light. 

The church was vastly different from any other he had ever been in. There was a lack of the beauty only found in stained glass windows, the sunlight lighting them up and casting a colorful light, but the chandeliers found here, and their bright light reflecting pure white light on the walls, was calming in a very foreign but comfortable way. The whole church was much more modern than Jeongin was used to, but somehow it just made it easier. 

Jeongin breathed in deeply and allowed the peaceful tranquility to wash over him, the feeling of being close to God, of being complete, filled him to even the darkest corners of his existence. 

The feeling of being human, flawed, and forgiven at the same time.  

Jeongin knew he should probably get up and get home soon. The few others he shared the row with had left long ago, and along with the fading noise it was clear that the church was almost empty by now. Only Jeongin was left, a solitary drifting soul at the end of a pew in the back. 

He didn’t feel like going home though. Felix had invited Changbin over and had talked about having Seungmin and Hyunjin over as well, meaning Jeongin didn’t really have anywhere to return to. Especially since Minho was with his dance crew and Jisung had a paper he had to finish. 

It was easier just sitting there, than acknowledging that his life was a mess and that he was still arguing with half of his friend group. Easier to bask in the feeling of being one with God, than face the fact that Jeongin was still mostly alone.

Quiet steps broke the silence of the nave.

“You’ve become quite the regular,” Doyun said as he gently sat down next to Jeongin.

Jeongin blinked his eyes open, and found to his surprise that the nave was indeed devoid of people and that he and Doyun were alone. Jeongin hadn't even noticed how silent the place had become, the last fading noise now completely gone.

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, with a shy smile. “It’s nice here. People are very sweet and welcoming. I like it a lot, much more than my old church. I even began to read up on Luther.” 

“And yet, you still look like you’re troubled,” Doyun said with a kind smile as he leaned back. He looked a little odd in his robes when Jeongin was so used to seeing him in his grandpa sweater.

“Oh,” Jeongin said, tugging a little at his shirt. Apparently, he was very transparent even to people who barely knew him. 

“We don't really do confessions here, but if something is bothering you, I could always offer some advice,” Doyun said carefully, sneaking a look at Jeongin. “After all, sometimes it’s the smallest rock in our shoes that hurts the most.”

Jeongin remained silent for a while, his crucifix twirling restlessly between his fingers. 

“I had a quarrel with my friends,” Jeongin finally admitted, feeling silly. Yet, somehow he continued. “Two of my best friends started dating. They thought I would be against it and kept it from me, and when I found out… I didn’t react nicely,” Jeongin said, words leaving him hesitantly. He felt embarrassed about his reaction, but at the same time, he couldn’t find it in himself to regret it. He reacted because he was hurt, and, perhaps for the first time in his life, he felt that he could express his hurt without getting punished for it. He had been wrong, but at least he had allowed himself to be true to himself. He didn’t regret it. 

He simply chose to regret everything that went down afterward.

Unlike what Jeongin had expected, Doyun was waiting patiently, not asking him for more information. There was no digging at him to get the whole story, forcing words out that Jeongin didn’t want to share. Instead, he seemed content with what Jeongin wanted to give. 

“I actually behaved like an… idiot,” Jeongin admitted, eyes flickering to the cross briefly. “My friends decided that it was because I had a problem with my friends being together and not the fact that they lied to me,” he continued, every word easier than the last. “My friends are gay,” Jeongin finally admitted. “And they assumed I didn’t like they were together because of me being Catholic. Which I can't fault them for, because in the Catholic church them being together is wrong. It just never felt wrong to me. It didn’t feel sinful.”

Jeongin took a deep breath, tugging gently at his crucifix. 

“It was a little ironic to accuse me of being homophobic when I’m… gay myself,” he said, the confession still a bit strange to feel without pain and guilt following it. 

The golden cross shone lightly in the sunlight, a gentle reminder of something Jeongin wasn't quite sure of what was yet. 

“But my friends didn’t know that, of course, so they got really, really mad, and, well, things were said that shouldn’t have been said, and things happened that shouldn’t have happened, and now it's all a big mess, and I don’t know how to fix it,” Jeongin took in a deep breath, cold air filling his lungs. “I don’t know if I even want to fix it at all.”

Doyun was silent for a while as he allowed Jeongin to add more if he wanted. When Jeongin didn’t continue the story the priest nodded, looking thoughtful for a while.

“Your friends,” Doyun said eventually. “Do they make you happy?”

“They used to,” Jeongin replied, eyes falling to his lap. “They used to make me feel like myself. Like I was something more than what my parents had made me out to be. I love them,” he said with a sigh, looking up from his hands. “But it’s just like they barely know me,” he admitted, allowing the biggest stone on his heart to roll a little. “They got so angry and just turned on me without even giving me a chance to explain. Of course, there were circumstances that made it all worse, but in the end, it just felt like they decided who I was. And it just makes me so angry.”

“Anger is a funny feeling,” Doyun said with a wry smile, eyes following Jeongin’s to the cross over the althar. “Especially when we feel it's justified. And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing better than indignation. That feeling of knowing you've been wronged and you get to be angry about it is a powerful one. But, in the end, all anger will do is blind us, keep us in places we shouldn’t stay in.” 

He allowed Jeongin a few minutes to think before he continued.

“Jesus always told us to forgive the sins of others. If we cannot forgive others, then how can we expect God to forgive our sins?” Doyun said, words echoing softly in the huge space. “He didn’t ask us to forgive blindly, though, so have your friends shown remorse?”

“I suppose they have,” Jeongin answered reluctantly. “Some of them at least,” he added, feeling a little bad about just pushing Hyunjin away. Though, to his defense, it had barely been an apology. More a request for Jeongin to make Hyunjin’s life a little easier by forgiving Chan. Or so Jeongin presumed. 

But Jeongin had already forgiven Chan in a way, it was just difficult to face him. What was Jeongin even supposed to say to him? ‘Hi, I'm sorry you all thought I was an ass but perhaps you shouldn’t have jumped me on a shitty day, and started to tell me how much of an idiot I am before you at least asked me why I was mad in the first place?’.

“Do you want them to pay penance?” Doyun asked, sounding genuinely curious. “To pay for their wrongdoings?”

“No?” Jeongin replied, a little unsure. Did he? Did he want them to pay? 

In the same way he had to say a thousand Hail Mary and Our Father for being who he was, did he want them to pay back the same in apologies? Would Jeongin feel better if they suffered for forgiveness? And how would Jeongin know if they really were sorry? Jisung and Minho said they were, and Felix seemed convinced, but were they…

And did it make a difference? 

Jeongin had suffered because of them, and surely they also suffered because of Jeongin, but only because of misunderstandings. Because they allowed themselves to misunderstand Jeongin and misinterpret his words, albeit because he hadn’t shared certain pieces of information with them. But maybe, Jeongin had also misunderstood them along the way. 

Perhaps he had taken their hurt’s repercussions as hatred and hadn’t allowed them to explain before he had taken their words and twisted them, to mean something other than what they had meant.

Could they truly have committed the same crime, paid wound for wound and burn for burn?

Jeongin hadn’t given them a chance to explain themselves without interpreting it as a personal attack. Even Changbin’s hurtful words through text might have a reasonable explanation that Jeongin was too afraid to listen to, because what if he really meant it? What if the hatred shown in those messages were just an act of heated emotions following an action that had been misunderstood. 

Had they all just walked past each other, going different directions without knowing?

Jeongin’s head hurt.

“God asked us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. When He said that, He asked us to give them the same benefits we give ourselves. To want for them what we want for ourselves,” Doyun said calmly from beside Jeongin, pulling the conflicted youth from his thoughts, leaning back in the seat as he looked at Jeongin with those kind eyes of his. “Jesus said ‘ Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven .’ If you want them to forgive you for reacting badly, you have to give them the same courtesy.” 

Jeongin looked at the priest who just smiled at him. 

Perhaps Jeongin hadn’t really forgiven his friends for the hurt he experienced because of them. Maybe that was the reason he kept running away. He hadn't forgiven them in his heart. 

He wanted to. 

He just didn’t know how to.

“In the end, what you need to decide is; if you want to forgive them and let them back into your life, or; forgive them and move on without them,” Doyun said, reaching up to touch Jeongin’s shoulder gently. “Wrath will only blind you, and stunt your growth as a human. So before you do anything, you have to let go of your anger.”

“It’s not that easy,” Jeongin said with a grimace that made Doyun laugh. 

“It never is. If it was, Jesus wouldn’t have spent so much time telling us we had to do it. But in the end, he forgave those who crucified him. The people who made him suffer and made him feel so much pain. Because he knew they did what they thought was right, because they didn’t know better,” Doyun said gently. “From what you've told me, neither did your friends. Do them right by forgiving them for mistakes they didn’t know they were making. Let go of your anger and decide if you want them in your life, or if you’re better off without them,” he said, his eyes returning to the cross.

“You’re a good kid, Jeongin. I dare say better than a lot of people in this world, but you need to figure out what you want. You, and no one else. God may tell us to forgive, but He also tells us to let go. Anger won’t lead you anywhere. Sometimes the best we can do for ourselves is forgive and let go,” he added with a deep breath as he smiled at Jeongin, slowly moving towards the end of the pew. 

“Remember, God will love you regardless of any choice you make,” Doyun said before he got up, and threw a smile over his shoulder at Jeongin. “Nothing in all of creation will be able to separate you from the love of God.”

oOo

“You seem like you’re in a good mood lately,” Jisung said as he dumped himself into the seat next to Jeongin. Jeongin looked up from the novel he was reading, smiling at his friend. “Just look at that winning smile,” Jisung laughed with a bit of relief in his eyes.

“Just feeling better lately,” Jeongin said with a shrug as he leaned into Jisung’s side, basking in the heat. It was getting colder, November sneaking up on Jeongin like a monster hidden under his bed. “I dunno, I just figured out a few things.”

“I'm glad,” Jisung said, wrapping Jeongin up in his arms. “The Bible reading has had me a bit concerned lately,” he added, holding Jeongin close for a moment before letting go again. They both relaxed into the couch, the sounds of Minho getting dressed at the other end of the apartment mingling with the soft pop music playing from the speakers. 

They had picked Minho up directly after dance class and he had been in desperate need of a shower before their now almost weekly Saturday night hangout. 

“I’ve been trying to figure out some things,” Jeongin said, voice a little hesitant. He wasn’t sure if Jisung wanted to talk about religion with him. He had learned very few people liked to talk about it unless you agreed with their condemnation of others or had the same religion as themselves. 

At Jisung’s inquiring hum, Jeongin continued.

“The Bible has a lot of rules,” he started, mind buzzing on all the things he had read. “You can’t wear clothing of mixed fabric, for example. Out with that cotton mix fabric, you can’t wear that. My mother shouldn’t wear gold jewelry, yet she wears a gold crucifix. There are so many rules in this thing, and not even half of them is something we actually don’t adhere to,” Jeongin said, breathing deeply. “So, I wonder, why is homosexuality the one we keep bringing up?”

“I think, it’s because it is the one rule they do want to adhere to,” Jisung said calmly, tugging a little at Jeongin’s hair. “They don’t want you to love a man, because they think it’s wrong, and look, we have a passage that says it. Now it's forbidden. Then they can ignore all the other things in the same chapter that isn’t as important."

“It’s hypocritical,'' Jeongin huffed, leaning his head back while looking at the ceiling.

“I’ve learned that people just kind read what they want to read,” Jisung said, mirroring Jeongin. “They take what they want, and say it’s the gospel, and then ignore the line beneath it because it doesn’t work in their favor. You see it in politicians all the time. They say one thing, and then ignore the other half because it works against their agenda.”

“It's difficult. Because who says my reading is the right one when I might be the one reading it wrong, or maybe I’m missing some parts. I just… I don’t want to be a sinner,” Jeongin said, voice frail. 

“And you’re not,” Jisung said firmly. “Whatever any religion says, you’re a good person and I believe that's what matters the most. That you did good, tried to hurt as few people as possible, and said sorry when you fucked up.” 

“That’s very easy,” Jeongin laughed, thinking about the list of rules he was used to from his parents. 

“Why does life have to be hard?” Jisung countered, lifting his eyebrow. “Why must living be difficult, and how can pure romantic love be bad? I just don’t get the need to punish yourself over some book written ages ago. Love God, believe in Him all you want, but take some of that nonsense with a grain of salt.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Jeongin said, though his chest still felt light. “Oh, Mighty Jisung, Saint of Lost Catholic Boys, show me the way,” he teased, giggling when Jisung made a face.

“Way to make me sound like a creep,” Jising shuddered, scrunching up his nose.

“I’ve decided I’m too lazy to cook, so you’re getting pizza. Again,” Minho announced, waltzing into the living room, dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants, hair fluffy from having just been blow-dried. “I already ordered and everyone is getting their usual. It's what you all end up ordering anyway,” he smirked, gently setting down the bottle of soda and glasses he had gotten from the kitchen.

“Don’t you two look cozy,” Minho smiled, pouring all of them something to drink. “Am I third-wheeling again tonight?”

“I’d only date him to annoy his roommate,” Jeongin quipped, ducking as Jisung tried to kiss his cheek. “Would you stop?” He laughed, squirming as Jisung continued to try and kiss him. The other managed to plant a wet smooch on his cheek, and in retaliation, Jeongin went directly for Jisung’s sides and tickled him viciously, causing the other man to scream and fling himself out of harm's way. 

Jeongin divided after him, tickling Jisung while he kept on squealing.

He didn’t hear the door open nor did he hear the quiet footsteps that followed. It was only when he heard a cough that Jeongin looked over his shoulder, heart stuttering in his chest as Chan and Changbin looked down at him.

“Minho, I’m going to kill you,” Jeongin muttered as he untangled himself from Jisung - who at least looked as surprised as Jeongin felt - and pushed himself to the furthest corner of the couch, as long away from his former friends as he could get. 

“It wasn’t Minho’s idea,” Felix said, peeking out from behind Chan and Changbin. He bit his lips looking at Jeongin with remorse. “I just really didn’t see any other way to get you all in the same room without a revolt.”

“Besides, Chan finally got his balls back and admitted he was an idiot and that he should listen to me more,” Minho said with a shrug, clapping the seat next to him. “He even promised to follow my command from now on.” 

“I don’t remember agreeing to that part,” Chan said carefully, watching Jeongin like he was going to fracture at any moment. “Though I am sorry, Jeongin. I… Fuck, I messed up,” he said looking like a kicked puppy. 

Jeongin couldn’t quite meet his eyes.  

“Hyunjin and Seungmin should be here as well any minute now,” Minho added, giving up on Chan and just pulled the other man into the seat next to him. “So there is no point in running. We will all talk, clear the air, and have dinner,” He added with a smile at Jeongin. 

“It’s about time,” Minho continued, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly as he looked at the silent Jeongin. “And we all know you would have taken forever to get here. It’s not that they don't want to say sorry, Jeongin, it’s that they’re all afraid you won’t let them.” 

“I think everyone said what they needed to say,” Jeongin forced out, pressing himself as far away from the others as he could. Jisung at least made sure to stick close, allowing Jeongin something to hide behind. Still, he couldn't help but take one of Minho’s gaudy cat print couch cushions and press it to his stomach. 

He wanted to go home. 

“I don’t think this was the right way,” Jisung muttered, wrapping his arm around Jeongin as if he wanted to protect him. 

“Well, it’s how it's going to be. Plan A, B, C, and D failed, so now we’re going with Plan Forced Reconciliation, presented by yours truly,” Minho said with an air of finality. Though his eyes were soft as they looked at Jeongin, like he knew perfectly well he was being harsh. But Jeongin understood him. They were all his friends too, after all. It couldn’t be easy to be caught between them. “Now, everyone, sit the fuck down and behave,” he said just as the door opened and Seungmin walked in, Hyunjin hot on his heels. 

“Can I at least take my shoes off, Great Overlord?” Seungmin asked dryly, kicking off his shoes and adding them to the pile of sneakers by the door. “I was promised pizza and… Oh, Jeongin. Hi,” he said, coming to a halt as he walked into the room, Hyunjin crashing into his back.

Jeongin smiled weakly at them, ignoring how Hyunjin looked at him with big puppy eyes. Thankfully he hadn’t seen him since last week’s Bible study. 

“So, we’re having an intervention?” Seungmin asked with a sigh as he dragged Hyunjin into the room, forcing him past Changbin and Felix who were still hovering at the door. “A heads up would have been nice. Might have given me a chance to figure out what to say,” he continued, pushing Hyunjin into the seat next to Minho and Chan before sitting down next to Jisung. 

“Why don't you two sit down as well,” Seungmin said, looking at Changbin and Felix. “We might as well do this now we’re all together. It’s what you’ve all wanted to do for weeks anyways,” Seungmin finished, leaning back. Jeongin didn’t miss how his fingers were twitching nervously on the armrest. 

“I’ll need a drink,” Changbin said, leaving for the kitchen. Felix rolled his eyes and sat down on the pillow on the floor trying to catch Jeongin's eyes and failing. The silence was suffocating, only the sound of Changbin messing about in the kitchen filling the room.

When he came back he carried two bottles of alcohol, a stack of glasses, and more soda. They all watched as he sat next to Felix, poured a good about into the glass, and took a gulp. They all just looked around, clearly waiting for someone to say something.

Jeongin turned his head and looked out the window. 

“Okay, fine,” Seungmin said when the silence just dragged on. “I’ll start, then. I’m sorry, Jeongin, for being a massive idiot and assuming you hated Felix. In my defense, you have said some kinda questionable things in the past, and then you just left without saying a word. I’m sorry for making assumptions about you, and then not having faith in you to not be like what I feared. I am sorry, truly, I messed up and for that I apologize,” he finished, hands fidgeting nervously in his lap. His words were full of sincerity making  Jeongin feel a bit hopeful. "I really do feel regretful, and I am ashamed of my behaviour."

“Marvelous apology,”  Minho commented dryly, clapping his hands before sticking his elbow into Chan’s ribs. “You’re next. You can stop looking at me like that, Chan. Fess up, you’ve been sobbing into my pillows for days. Now, do something about it. I’ve said my shit and gotten my absolution.”

“That was such a bad joke,” Jisung muttered, hiding his face in Jeongin’s neck. 

“This is also not how confession works,” Hyunjin added, eyes flickering to Jeongin and away again. “There’s a lot more prayer involved. And verbal abuse, if you’re like me.”

“You know what, maybe we just shouldn’t do this,” Jeongin said, eyes still on the window. It was easier than looking at the others. This way they couldn’t see his eyes either. “Like, I get why you might have thought I was mad at Felix for being gay, but I still think it’s idiotic how not one of you thought I might just have been pissed off for having been lied to and kept on the outside about something deeply personal concerning my best friend,” Jeongin said, crossing his arms over the pillow hiding some of him. He wanted to get away from here, away from the pressing atmosphere that reminded him a bit too much of his childhood home, and away from conflict. 

Conflict never ended well when Jeongin was involved, and it never ended well for him specifically.

“But you have to admit you’ve said some harsh things about being gay,” Chan finally said, voice a little rough as he looked over at Jeongin with big hurt eyes. “Like calling it a sin isn’t exactly the easiest thing to hear about one’s sexuality, especially when you know Felix is religious as well. It’s unfair. Felix was really hurt, not to mention Changbin, when you reacted in the exact way they had feared you would. So, yeah, I jumped to the conclusion of you being a homophobe because it matched your actions. It just seemed like the only reason why you’d suddenly cut us out,” Chan breathed deeply, eyes on his feet.

“I’m not proud of what I did. I should have listened to Minho and tried to talk with you in a calmer way, and should have been more open about why you might act as you did. I wasn’t very kind, and for that I am sorry,” Chan said, words a rush as he looked up, eyes a little red. “But, you just have to understand what it felt like on our side. Not as an excuse, but as an explanation.”

Jeongin closed his eyes, thinking of what Doyun had told him last week. He just wasn’t ready to decide yet. Forgiving sounded so easy, but it was difficult. Almost impossible with how the anger was still burning in his chest, only fueled by the indication from Chan’s and Seungmin’s apologies. 

“I really don’t care what people do with each other, Chan,” Jeongin sighed, trying to stay calm. He really should have said yes yesterday when Yedam had invited him to a party. Drunk handsy people would have been better than this. “And have any of you ever thought about the fact that I was repeating the things I was told myself. Growing up everything that didn’t align with our faith was wrong and sinful. I was taught it was wrong. Being gay is sinful, and I can’t change that, even though it hurts to say such words.”

“Yeah, but you’re not gay,” Hyunjin scoffed, the whole room getting quiet as everyone suddenly looked everywhere else, feeling a little uncomfortable. “It’s different when you’re gay and kept being told your love is a sin. Sorry, Jeongin, but you just don’t understand how damaging that is to you,” he added accusingly. Changbin hummed in agreement, Felix giving him an elbow in the side. 

Jeongin finally tore his eyes away from the window and stared into the room.

So no one had told them.

“Jeongin,” Jisung said with a tight voice when he felt Jeongin stiffen against his side. “You don’t have to,” he added, gently caressing his shoulder.

“No more lies, remember?” Jeongin said, lifting his eyebrow as he turned to look Hyunjin directly in the eyes. “There is one fatal flaw in your argument, Hyunjin… I am gay,” Jeongin said allowing the statement to hang in the air for a second before he continued. The shock in Hyunjin’s eyes only fed into the dark and hungry feeling in Jeongin’s chest. 

Changbin made an odd sound, looking at Felix and then back at Jeongin, eyes wide with surprise. 

“I know exactly how damaging those words are considering all those things have been told to me since I was thirteen and confessed that I wanted to kiss a boy,” Jeongin said, voice hard as he looked mercilessly into Hyunjin’s eyes. “I dare say, I know how damaging those words are to you more than anyone in this room.”

It should have felt better though. To be mean. To give them the same anger they had shown him. And sure, his anger was still there, and it did feel good to see them all stare at him knowing how much they had fucked up. But it also made him feel empty. Because in the end, it didn’t matter. 

This changed nothing. 

“So excuse me for being fucked in the head, Hyunjin, I’m sorry we can't all be out. I know it’s bullshit, but I was just trying to live. Sometimes to survive, you can't be yourself. And calling me an asshole and kissing me before marching off doesn't exactly help the discussion either, does it? What do you want me to take from that? That you wanted me to be forced to sin? As if that would change anything.”

Hyunjin looked back at him with large eyes.

“Wait, you were the one kissing Hyunjin, though,” Chan said, almost jumping back when Jeongin turned to look at him. “But you were,” he defended himself weakly, looking at Changbin who was still staring at Jeongin with huge eyes, glass just hovering in the air from where he had meant to take a sip. 

“It wasn’t me who kissed him first,” Jeongin said harshly. “I don't kick people in the balls just for fun.” 

“Wait, what do you mean Hyunjin kissed you first?” Jisung said a dangerous edge to his words. “Before that time in front of our music lecture?”

“I might have kissed Jeongin when he came back,” Hyunjin said, eyes on his feet as all of them stared at him, except Seungmin who was diplomatically quiet as always. “Before he left the group chat,” he added, eyes closing.

The whole room exploded as Minho started yelling and Jisung jumped from the couch, throwing a cushion at Hyunjin’s head as Chan began to look a little pale. Jeongin just leaned back on the couch, his head hurting. Felix jumped right into the argument, while Changbin began to add his own comments here and there, sipping on his drink heavily.

“ENOUGH!” Jeongin finally yelled, the whole room going quiet in an instant. “I already kicked him in the balls for it. I think that was enough punishment for stealing my first kiss.”

“That was your first…” Hyunjin said, voice strangled as he barely managed to dodge when another pillow was thrown his way, this time by Felix who was being held back by Changbin. 

“Quite romantic to tell me to go burn in hell,” Jeongin added dryly, crossing arms over the pillow, eyes returning to the window. 

“Asshole,” Minho chided, gently tapping the top of Hyunjin’s head like he was tapping his cat for being dumb. “Really, you lost your temper that much? Be happy I wasn't the one kicking you in the balls.”

“It was quite epic though,” Jisung said, eyes on Jeongin as he stared out the window. 

“Anyways, the reason I went missing in action was because I was home for Chuseok. If it helps, I had a miserable time being home and both my mom and brother have figured out I'm gay, even though I’ve tried to hide it for years. Both of them gave me a whole speech about staying in the closet,” Jeongin said, staring out the window. “And if my father hadn't taken my phone, I would have texted you back, but he seems to think you’re all corrupting me.” 

“Well, we are,” Jisung said, hugging Jeongin close. “Hyunjin more than the rest of us, it seems," he added in a hushed voice.

“I'm so fucking sorry,” Chan suddenly said, wringing his hands in his lap. “Fuck, I think we all fucked up. We should have let you speak, we should have listened, and, fuck, Hyunie, you can’t just kiss people as a form of revenge. Jeongin, I’m so sorry that I forced you into coming out in front of me and Seungmin when you weren’t ready. That was a shit thing to do to you. But… I hope you know that doesn’t change anything. If anything, I feel like I finally understand you.”

“I think we all did and said things we regret,” Seungmin said, eyes on Chan who looked like he was five seconds away from coming apart at the seams. “And we can either decide to let that drag us apart, or make us stronger as a group. I, for one, would hate to lose you as a friend. I think we all in general could have handled the whole thing better. No secrets, no accusations, and no misunderstandings.”

“I think you forget it wasn’t me who kicked me out of the group chat, nor was it me who went on a rampage in my text messages,” Jeongin said bitterly, closing his eyes. He was not going to cry. He was not. “And I honestly don’t even know what you want me to say sorry for. I really thought that acting on your lust and desires for other men was wrong. It wasn’t something I wanted to judge you by, but something I said to remind myself why I couldn’t just do what I wanted. I never meant those words to sound like that to you.”

“And what do you believe now?” Chan asked, tilting his head as he looked at Jeongin. “Do you still think you’re sinful? That Felix and Changbin’s relationship is wrong?” he added, voice curious even if it was a heavy question to throw at someone. 

Jeongin once again thought about last Sunday in church, when it had just been him all alone with his thoughts and God.

“I don't know,” Jeong said truthfully, turning his head to look at the one person he had always expected to be on his side. How wrong he had been. Because if he was honest, it was Chan’s anger that had hurt the most. The one he had least expected, as well.

The forgiveness that felt the hardest to grant. 

“I know the Bible is full of rules,” Jeongin continued before the silence between them was allowed to grow. “Half of them we don’t follow. But being with one of the same sex is much more important even if it’s in there with rules about not planting the same crop on a field and wearing mixed fabrics.” 

Jeongin allowed his eyes to drift back to the window, feeling too self-conscious to continue while still looking Chan in the eyes. 

“I know, I can never tell my family if I find someone I love, can never be married before God, can never be the person I was raised to be,” he said, sadness filling his voice. “But I also know I am miserable. And perhaps it's a lesser sin to love someone than to hate myself.”

The room got quiet, all of them not sure what to say to that. 

In the end, they didn’t have to, because the pizza chose that moment to show up, finally giving all of them something else to think and talk about.

oOo

To say it was a tense evening was an understatement if you asked Jeongin. While the worst seemed to be over after the pizza had arrived, it was clear that nothing had been okay and at present wasn’t. Seungmin at least acted as he always did and had seemingly decided that he had forgiven Jeongin, and so Jeongin must have also forgiven him.

When he saw the opportunity Seungmin had gotten Jeongin to sit between him and Jisung, dragging Jeongin back into the conversation whenever he tried to escape. 

Jeongin didn’t know whether to be grateful or annoyed, so he settled on just surrendering. Doyun had said he should forgive them. Or at least give them the same liberties as he wished they had given him.

As it turned out, it wasn’t as hard as Jeongin had feared.

Chan tried, he really did, joining in on Minho and Felix’s fake cheer slowly. And well, Jeongin wanted to be mad, but it was very difficult when Chan kept looking at him like a kicked puppy. When Minho had pushed Jeongin into Chan’s arms while they were cleaning up after the pizza - of which there wasn't enough because they still refused to listen to Jeongin's perfect logic - he had accepted the hug and Chan’s teary apologies. 

Anger was a sin, if a human one. As nice and fulfilling the anger had been, Jeongin had to admit he felt a lot lighter having decided to just forgive. He guessed God had been on to something when He told people to let go. 

It did make him feel better. 

It wasn’t a hard choice to make. Being back with his friends he realized just how much he had missed them. How the distance between them had become a physical ache he only noticed after it was gone. Jeongin couldn’t live without them. At least that was clear. And if he wanted to be in their life he had to let the anger and frustration go. 

Forgive them completely.

And, yeah, he and Chan weren't perfect. He was sure there would be more to talk about later, but for now, it was okay. They could talk, and while the laughing was strained and a little forced, they were present. Same with Seungmin. It was hard, but it could only get better. And he couldn't be mad about them not knowing who Jeongin was if he didn’t let them in. 

It was one step. 

Jeongin could take the next one if need be. 

Hyunjin had been very quiet, eyes flickering to Jeongin constantly. His gaze was like a branding iron, burning into Jeongin’s skin and leaving permanent marks. Jeongin understood Hyunjin was sorry. He didn’t want to stay mad at him, but he couldn’t talk to him. It wasn’t like they had been anything but strangers, so Jeongin just treated him like that. A stranger.

Still, it hurt.

It hurt to see Hyunjin look at him with those big eyes. It hurt to be reminded of how much Jeongin still loved the boy who had dragged him into damnation as a teen. It hurt to look at something he wanted but couldn’t have.

What a fucked up tragedy it was that Hyunjin had ended up being Jeongin’s first kiss.

oOo

Jeongin finally managed to sneak away to the kitchen a while later, leaning against the kitchen counter as he breathed. His head was beginning to hurt a little from the tension, but he couldn't help but smile as he heard Jisung yell something at Seungmin while Minho grumbled annoyed at their antics. 

He couldn’t stop himself from closing his eyes and just taking it in. He had thought that he would never get to hear this again, the loud refined chaos that was his friends. 

“Erhh,” Jeongin jumped, eyes wide as he looked at Changbin. In the living room, the others were still talking, but it was in the way that made it clear they were listening in. “I… I'm-”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Jeongin interrupted, his smile falling off his face as he crossed his arms. “I get that Felix is forcing you, but I already told him it was fine. I’ll stay away. Besides we won't be living-”

“Now you’re just being unfair,” Changbin said, voice rough as he too leaned against the counter, eyes on his sock-clad feet. “I’ve been trying to say sorry for a really long time and you just won't let me. I’ve seen you escape out of your apartment building every time I was on my way over,” Changbin said, voice gruff. Whether it was from disappointment or anger, Jeongin wasn’t sure.

“And I see how you turn away from the café on campus if you see us,” he added, arms tense as they folded around his chest. “You can’t keep running and refuse to let us apologize. You did the same earlier and it’s a shit thing considering you got mad at us for making assumptions.”

Jeongin didn’t have anything to say to that, so he just looked away, finding the dark view outside Minho’s kitchen window endlessly interesting.

“Fuck, that wasn’t what I wanted to say,” Changbin sighed, pinching his brows. “I'm sorry,” he finally settled on, taking a deep breath. “I said some fucked up shit in the heat of the moment, and I really shouldn’t have because, fuck, you’re one of my best friends, and you’re right, I should have known better. Or I should have at least given you the chance to explain yourself before I went and said that shit.”

“I hurt Felix,” Jeongin said, knowing it was the truth.

“And we hurt you,” Changbin said with a shrug. “An eye for an eye.”

“Will make the whole world blind,”  Jeongin finished for him with a wry smile. “Have we blinded each other, Changbin?”

“I think we have,” he said, looking up at Jeongin, eyes sad. “Because that in there might be the love of my life and somehow we both managed to make him cry. So, I'm sorry. I really shouldn’t have written that to you.”

“So when you said you wanted to st-”

“Yes, it was me being an idiot,” Changbin breathed deeply, closing his eyes. “I have no idea what the fuck I was even thinking writing that. And it’s okay if you can’t forgive it. That was some fucked up shit…I’ve just seen Felix struggle so much with figuring out how to tell people, and to see you react exactly as he feared, well, it sucked.”

“It just felt like you didn’t know me at all,” Jeongin said, eyes back on his feet. “After you dragged Hyunjin here, I tried so hard not to get in the way and make him uncomfortable, and somehow you all just turned it into me hating him for being gay. Then you lie to me for months and it's all my fault because if I just accepted you were gay there wouldn’t have been a problem. And then you text me telling me to-”

“Yeah, I was horrible,” Changbin interrupted. “We all were. And I get it. If I’d been in your shoes, I might have thought the same… but can you tell me if you’d been in mine you wouldn’t have jumped to the same conclusions?”

“I would hope not,” Jeongin scoffed, lifting his eyes to glare at Changbin. “I hope, I would have at least given you the benefit of the doubt, and not kicked you out of the only group of people who seem to care about you,” Jeongin looked away feeling those fucking tears try and press on again. 

“I don’t know how to tell any of you that I care about you. That I… love you,” Jeongin finally said, voice frail. “I never learned how to do that. It’s not something we do in my family. But I could never hate you. Not like how you all were so ready to hate me, and that fucking hurt, Changbin.” 

Jeongin pushed away from the counter, turning so Changbin could only see his back. 

“Innie,” Changbin said behind him. He could hear him walk closer, but Jeongin couldn’t take any more. He sidestepped his arms and walked into the hallway and back into the living room that was now completely silent, having seemingly given up on pretending not to listen in.

“I get you’re all sorry, and so am I, but what a lot of you did was cruel. I can’t just get over it. I know I'm not even a little bit better, but at least I was ready to talk when I was back from Busan. None of you gave me a chance back then. You had already condemned me. Fuck, I’d forgiven Felix by the time I arrived in Busan,” Jeongin breathed in deeply, eyes on his toes. He knew he should tell them he was leaving, that he would be moving home after Christmas. He knew they deserved to know, but he couldn’t get the words out. 

He wanted to cry again.

“I'm going to the bathroom,” he said, turning around, ignoring Changbin who just looked at him with sad eyes and locked himself away, finally allowing the tears to fall as he muffled his sobs with a towel. 

oOo

Jeongin wasn't sure how long he was in the bathroom, but thankfully no one said anything when he returned. They didn’t even comment on his red-rimmed eyes and wet face. Instead, Jisung just took him into his arms, holding him close while Minho handed Chan’s ass to him in poker and Hyunjin ended up owing Seungmin six cups of coffee. 

Things got easier slowly as the night progressed. Their laughs got lighter and less strained, their smiles came a little easier and slowly but surely it became better. Jeongin looked at his friends from his safe spot, glued to Jisung’s side. 

He wasn't sure they would all be okay, but somehow it didn’t look hopeless anymore. He was even able to talk with Changbin a little, even if was a little stilted. Perhaps they couldn’t go back to what they had before, but that was okay. 

Absolution had never been about returning oneself to the one you were before, but learning from your mistakes and repenting your wrongs so you could become better, someone more worthy. It wouldn’t be perfect, but it was a step in the right direction. 

“Hyunjin keeps looking at you,” Jisung suddenly whispered in Jeongin’s ear. Jeongin blinked, eyes flickering to Hyunjin who chose that moment to hurriedly look away. “Did you tell him he was your famous first crush?” Jisung asked, making sure he was so quiet no one else could hear him.

“No,” Jeongin whispered back, just as quietly. He couldn’t help but watch Hyunjin. He was beautiful leaning against the couch, cards in hand as he vigorously denied having any fives and told Seungmin to go fish. “You can’t tell him either,” Jeongin added, a little bit of dread settling in his chest at the idea of Hyunjin finding out. 

“I won’t,” Jisung promised, leaning his head against Jeongin. “And neither will Minho,” he added softly. “We’ll look out for you. Who else will I use to drive my roommate crazy?” He added with a giggle. 

“What are the two of you whispering about?” Minho asked, eyes narrowed as he brought everyone’s attention to Jisung and Jeongin. 

“About when Changbin will propose to Felix,” Jisung grinned, clearly enjoying how both Felix and Changbin began to sputter. 

“We've been together barely half a year,” Changbin stuttered, ears getting red. “Isn’t it a bit early?” he asked, confused eyes turning to Felix who looked equally flustered. 

“Aww, cute,” Minho said, leaning heavily on Chan, making the older man blush. “I'm just glad you can finally be out and honest about it. All that secrecy wasn’t good for anyone,” he added with a look in Jeongin’s direction. 

“Now, I also know that I need to knock before entering the studio,” Jisung said with a devious smile, clearly enjoying seeing their friends squirm. “What do you say, Jeongin, don’t they look cute?”

Jeongin tilted his head to the side studying them, a smile sneaking onto his lips. 

“Felix does a lot, but I still think Changbin is dragging them down a bit,” he added with a smirk, chest feeling so light, it might float away as the others began to laugh. 

“Rude,” Changbin huffed, but Felix was quick to place a peck on his cheek while whispering; “I think you’re the cutest one in our relationship.”

Jeongin leaned over, taking Felix's hand and holding it in his. “ Amor Vincit Omnia. ” The Latin slipped easily from his lips, practiced from prayers and grace. And somehow it did feel like a prayer. A prayer that Felix's love would overcome anything. That they would be happy. He held his breath, raising his eyes to look at Felix, smiling kindly. 

“Deus te benedicat ,” Jeongin said to them, feeling a little like he had one foot in the Catholic tradition and one foot in the Protestant enlightenment. And perhaps that was okay. That he was some of the old Jeongin while also being more of what he had suppressed for years. 

He smiled brightly at Felix, his heart feeling light again. 

“That was officially my blessing. Can you stop pouting now?” he added, letting Felix's fingers slip from his hand as he leaned back into Jisung’s arms. “I'm not a priest, I can't marry you, so don’t worry,” he added with a wink that made Changbin choke on air. 

“You know Latin?” Hyunjin asked, voice as little strained as he looked up at Jeongin. 

“Yes, my mother wanted me to learn it. She said I wouldn't get anywhere as a doctor without being able to use it comfortably. Besides, I usually attend Latin mass,” he added with a shrug. “It’s not that difficult,” he added, closing his eyes. 

His thumb pressed against his index finger, only then remembering he had taken off his rosary ring a week ago.

“Ave Maria, gratia plena …” he said the rest of the prayer, the words rolling off his tongue effortlessly. After all, Jeongin had been asked to repeat it many, many times as penance. “ Amen ,” Jeongin breathed as the prayer finished, eyes to the ceiling as he said the words, thump pressed to where his ring used to be. 

It was easier than it had been in years, the words finally feeling a little light again. 

The room was oddly quiet as he looked down, catching all of them staring at him. 

“What?” he asked, lifting an eyebrow. “It’s just Hail Mary?” 

“That sounded beautiful,” Chan said with a kind smile. “That’s all, Jeongin. It just sounded beautiful.” 

Jeongin looked down, cheeks a little warm but he didn’t miss how Hyunjin was looking at him, an unreadable look in his eyes. 

It almost looked like determination.

“You’re more than welcome to be here,” the kind-looking man hastily said, gesturing for Jeongin to remain seated before leaning more into the seat and offering him a welcoming smile. “God’s space is open to all. Sadly, we do have to go home, so we close at 4 p.m. Until then, our church is open for everyone.”

Jeongin blinked and exhaled deeply, choosing to sit back down again and turned to face the man.

“When I said you looked lost, I meant it more in a general way,” the older man continued, turning to look at Jeongin as well. “Sometimes, I think, when we get lost on the path of life, we turn to God expecting Him to grant us answers. More often than not, God doesn’t guide us directly but leads us to places and people where we can seek help.” The man's eyes returned to the cross at the end of the room, his hands folding in his lap. “I think you came here for a reason, young man.”

“What if I’m not Christian?” Jeongin asked, his own eyes falling to his lap as he reached up to fidget with his crucifix. He felt vulnerable to be in the presence of the other, as if he knew something Jeongin didn’t. The bare cross hovering over the sanctuary felt like a heavy presence, but not in the same way the unmoving eyes on the crucifix did.

“In the eyes of me, it doesn’t matter. I had a Buddhist in here the other day who was upset about his mother being ill. In the end, he just needed to talk with someone, and I was that someone,” the stranger said kindly. “I personally don’t believe a God who granted us his son to die for our sins, would care about someone’s religion when they’re in need of comfort. I think He’s there when we need Him. And when someone who doesn’t practice this religion needs Him, He will be there as well,” 

“I guess,” Jeongin said, still twirling the crucifix between his fingers.

“It is simply my belief,” the strangers said amused. “I’m Park Doyun, priest of this church.”

“Yang Jeongin,” Jeongin muttered, feeling it was rude not to introduce himself. “This is a Protestant church, right?”

“It is indeed,” Doyun replied, eyes still on the cross before them. “One of them, at least. There are a lot of different ways to interpret the words of God. I’ve found this way feels more true to me. You’re Catholic, I presume?”

Jeongin’s eyes flew up, catching Doyun’s. The priest’s eyes were kind and welcoming, just like his church.

“Your crucifix and rosary ring is a bit of a giveaway,” Doyun added as an explanation. “You’re not the first Catholic to be in here either, child. I don’t mind. Neither does our God.”

Jeongin mulled his word over, not knowing what to say. Doyun didn’t say anything, just allowed Jeongin to think. The silence was comfortable and the bright open space was a nice change from the darker church space he was used to. 

“I'm gay,” Jeongin said finally, once there was nothing but the silence in his heart. It wasn’t oppressive nor complete, just comforting. 

“Well, I understand why God sent you to this church in particular,” Doyun said, crossing his legs, and letting his hand rest on top of his Bible. “You’re very lucky to have entered perhaps the one church where we embrace everyone and celebrate the love God gives us no matter who we give that love to.”

Jeongin swung his head around so fast the joints in his neck cracked, eyes wide as he stared at Doyun.

“What?” He exclaimed, heart beating hard as he grasped his crucifix with a hard grip. “But it’s a sin!” The words passed his lips before he could stop them, shame filling him when he remembered how those exact words, when spoken out loud, had hurt Felix just as much as they hurt Jeongin himself.

“Is it, though?” Doyun said, turning around to look at Jeongin, wrinkles appearing around his eyes as he smiled. 

“It says so in the Bible,” Jeongin said, finally letting go of his crucifix. “I’ve read all of it and it states that it is a sin.” His hand hurt from having held the crucifix so tightly. If he didn’t stop clinging to it so desperately, letting its edges carve into his skin where it was already weak and newly healed.

If he broke the skin again he would be left with permanent indentations in his palm, his own personal stigma in the shape of a scar.

“Does it?” Doyun said, amused. “Because it also says you can’t be a follower of Christ if you don't give up all your possessions. There are ways you’re not allowed to cut your hair, and it also says you cannot eat pork. There are plenty of parts in the Bible we all agree are a bit outdated, or just simply don’t uphold.”

Jeongin didn’t have a comeback for that. 

“But, it says it’s wrong and a sin,” Jeongin finally said, frowning a little as he leaned back, eyes once again falling onto the huge cross on the altar. “When God struck Sodom He did so because it was a city of sin and depravity.”

“Lot offered his virgin daughters up for the people of Sodom to sleep with instead of the angels, but still, the Bible calls him a righteous man. And then he went on to sleep with his daughter while intoxicated, some say he was raped by them and others say he did it willingly. You can twist and turn this and argue some of it wasn’t done by his will… But it’s still a sin, so how come he can be a sinner and a righteous man if all sins lead to condemnation.”

“I’ve been told not to question the choices of God,” Jeongin said as his only defense. He too had always found that part a little… weird. Father Kim would have none of it and had made Jeongin repeat Our Father a good fifty times to make up for the blasphemy when he had questioned it as a teenager. 

“And we shouldn’t, and I do not question that God saw some good in Lot. If the Bible wants us to learn from his actions, we must also learn that even sinners and questionable people are His and can still be righteous,” Doyun said, his own eyes turning to the cross. “I think what God wanted us to learn from the tale of Sodom wasn’t that men shouldn’t lie with another man, but more that we should not turn strangers away. 

“Sodom was a big city in the desert, to come across it would have been a life savior, but they hated strangers, afraid to have their fortunes raided by armies. When God smote the city, well, he removed a city of greedy people who didn’t care for anyone but themselves,” Doyun said thoughtfully.

“But…” Jeongin wanted to argue, but it made sense. “That would mean…”

“That the Bible is against greed and corruption, indeed, there is a reason why Greed is a Capital Sin. So, of course, God would see it fit to smote a city full of greedy sinful people.” Doyun said, nodding his head. “This reading also makes more sense with how the tale is used later in the Bible. It’s not a tale of monogamous love between two men who love each other that is sinful, but rather a tale of men so greedy and evil that they would commit several horrible crimes to keep their wealth safe and strangers out.”

“Oh,” was all Jeongin could say. 

“The Bible was written ages ago. To expect it to answer all our problems today with a direct reading is a bit much. Besides, I’ve found that people can always twist words so they mean what they want them to mean. I just did it with the tale of Sodom, but who is right? My reading or someone else’s? In the end, only God will know,” Doyun said, his smile still kind as he looked at the golden cross.

“But why would you read it as a tale against homosexuality, if it’s about greed?” Jeongin asked, voice small in the huge and bright hall. 

“Because that reading was done at another time, by other people,” Doyun replied simply. “Besides, I don't think God stopped talking to us just because no more tales were added to the Bible. He sent us his son, a good man who embraced the sick, healed the blind, and allowed innocence to flock at his feet in the form of children. He asked us to be mindful of our own sin, before pointing it out within others.”

“Father Kim would have you pray for forgiveness for your blasphemy,” Jeongin said, though as he breathed out his chest felt lighter. 

“Many Catholics feel that way about reformists,” Doyun laughed, the sound filling up the room. “They seem to forget that before Martin Luther reformed the church, he too was a Catholic.”

“So, I can still be Christian and love a man?” Jeongin asked, turning so he could look Doyun in the eyes. The older man turned as well, meeting Jeongin’s eyes, unafraid. 

“I think love is beautiful, and I think love is the one thing God always wants us to have,” Doyun replied, eyes kind as he began to smile. “Jesus preached of love over and over again, and I personally don’t think God would hate, or condemn anyone, for finding true happiness with another human, no matter the gender.”

“Oh,” Jeongin said, head buzzing as he leaned back in his seat. “I will have to think about this,” he added with a frown, hand reaching up to touch his crucifix again. This time he pushed it gently to his chest. 

“You should read up on why Martin Luther wanted to reform the church,” Doyun said, getting up carefully. “And perhaps you should come here on Sunday. Service is at 10 a.m.”

“But, what if I have questions?” Jeongin asked, voice wobbling as he looked up. The light from above bathed Doyun in a soft ethereal light.

“You can come back,” Doyun replied simply. “I’ll be in my office most days. Just pop in and ask the first person you see to help you find me. My door is always open. Though I do think you’d enjoy mass here. You strike me as a man who likes music, and, if I do say so myself, our choir is one of the best,” he added, nodding a goodbye to Jeongin before leaving him alone in the church.

Jeongin ended up sitting there for an hour, just thinking. 

When he left the sun was shining brightly again.

oOo

Dear God…

Please forgive my anger

Please forgive my jealousy

Please… let me find myself

oOo

“You’ve been reading the Bible a lot,” Felix stated, settling into the spot next to Jeongin on the couch. Jeongin looked up, dropping his crucifix which he had been fidgeting with for a while. “Is something up?” Felix added in that way Jeongin knew meant Felix didn’t want to pry… except he did. 

“I’m just trying to figure something out,” Jeongin said, looking up briefly from his book, eyes settling curiously on Felix. “Actually, do you read the Bible as being against homosexuality?”

Felix leaned back, looking just a little taken aback by the questions.

“Ehhh,” he said, frowning as he thought about it a little. “I think part of it is, but I also don’t think I fully believe it’s as bad a sin as people make it out to be. Why?”

“I’ve been having a crisis of faith,” Jeongin said, looking down at the Bible again. “I didn't think I could live my life as a sinner, but at the same time, I have a hard time thinking loving someone can be a true sin.” Jeongin allowed his fingers to drift over the worn, almost see-through thin pages of his Bible.

“I can understand that,” Felix said softly, his hand gently reaching out and patting Jeongin on the knee. “I stopped going to church,” he said after a while. Jeongin looked up, but Felix’s eyes were on his own hands. 

“It didn’t feel right to go somewhere I wasn’t welcome,” he continued in a thin voice. “I don’t know why I haven't told you. But I just go hang out with Bin instead. I tried talking about it with him, but I don’t think…”

“- he fully understands,” Jeongin finished when Felix grew silent.

“No,” Felix said, leaning back on the couch, almost letting the pillows swallow up his small frame completely. “I miss it, though.”

“I haven’t confessed since before we made up,” Jeongin said, finger drumming on his Bible. “Haven’t received communion since either.”

“Oh, but isn’t that a big thing for you?” Felix asked curiously.

“Kinda,” Jeongin said with a shrug. “I just didn’t feel like confessing to kissing Hyunjin. Nor did I feel like confessing for doubting the word of God. I… I might actually start going to another church,” Jeongin said, eyes flickering to his hands and the Bible resting in them. It used to feel heavy, but the more Jeongin thought and the more he read, the lighter the holy book grew between his fingers. Doyun’s words had felt like a push towards a direction Jeongin hadn’t even known he could walk in, and now it seemed like his thoughts might not have been as doubtful as he had feared. His thoughts had simply been perceived as wrong by others.

“If it suits you better, you should,” Felix said with a kind smile. 

“You could come with me,” Jeongin said, reaching out to take Felix’s hand. 

“Maybe one day I will. I just don’t think I'm ready yet,” Felix replied carefully, letting his eyes travel around the room before eventually landing on the Bible in Jeongin’s hands.

“That’s fine,” Jeongin said, closing his Bible. “I think we might have gotten it wrong,” he added, almost apprehensively. “The word of God. I think we got it wrong and have been too stubborn to correct it.”

“I hope so,” Felix said, head flipping back as he looked up at their ceiling. “Wouldn’t that be nice, though? That there was room for us, too.” 

They were both silent for a while, lost to their own thoughts. 

“Bin is coming over soon,” Felix said suddenly, effectively pulling Jeongin out of his head.

“Ah,” Jeongin replied, looking down at his sweats and wondering if he could be bothered to change. “Don’t worry, I'll get out of your hair,” He said, jumping from the couch. He might stay in the sweats, but he definitely needed a fresh t-shirt. 

He was already on his phone texting Jisung if wanted to hang out when he heard Felix let out a frustrated sound.

“You could also, you know, stay,” Felix said, a little annoyed. 

“It’s fine. I was looking for a reason to get out anyways and look Jisung is bored,” Jeongin said waving his phone where Jisung had just said he was free. “I think I'll go bother his roommate again.” 

“You have to speak with Changbin at one point,” Felix yelled from the couch when Jeongin stuck his head into the closet. “What if I marry him?”

“Then I’ll be at the opposite end of the venue from him at all times. We all know Chan will be your best man anyways,” Jeongin quipped, pulling a fresh shirt over his head. “And I’m just doing what Changbin told me.”

“I really wish I knew exactly what he texted,” Felix said, frustration tainting his voice. “Do both of you need to be this damn stubborn?”

“I think that's one of the reasons you love us,” Jeongin said, picking up his bag and heading for the door. “Please keep the nasties in your room. I like the couch,” Jeongin yelled over his shoulder, ducking as an old sock flew his way.

“I’m getting Minho involved,” Felix threatened, another sock flying into the narrow hallway. 

“Go ahead,” Jeongin said, sticking his head back into the living room. “And I really don’t mind, Felix. You’re not kicking me out. I leave out of my own free will, you know.”

“You’re still annoying,” Felix huffed, sticking his tongue out like a child. 

“Whatever.” Jeongin mumbled under his breath with a smile. “Anyways, see you,” he said, hurrying out the door before Felix could pull his puppy dog eyes on him. When Jeongin spotted Changbin when he exited on the street a few moments later, he didn’t say anything, just turned the other way and texted Jisung to hear if he should bring snacks.

oOo

“You seemed very attentive,” Seojin said as she caught up to Jeongin. She was dressed nicely again and had her hair up in a pretty little bun. “I don't think I’ve ever seen you this invested in the text before,” she added, smiling kindly as she took Jeongin’s offered arm.

Hangyeol gave Jeongin a sour look which they both ignored as they made their way towards the bus stop. 

“I’ve recently had a revelation of such,” Jeongin said, thinking back to his conversation over a week ago with Doyun. “It made me realize I’ve never really thought about how many ways you can interpret the word of God.”

“Oh,” Seojin said, eyes lightening up as she turned to look at Jeongin. “So that is what changed,” she said a little cryptically. 

“What do you mean?” Jeongin asked, gently maneuvering both of them out of the way from a businessman yelling down his phone.

“Just, you used to be present and listening, always dressed like you've been told what to wear,” she said, voice a little hesitant. “Then you seemed a little lost for a while, just wearing whatever you seemed to have around, and now, well, now I feel like I understand who you are a bit better,” she added, eyeing the black jacket he was wearing over his hoodie.

It wasn’t as cool as Hyunjin’s leather one, but Jeongin liked it. 

“Hmm,” Jeongin hummed, eyes drifting away. “I suppose so.”

“I also like how visibly you bear your crucifix,” Seojin added with a shy smile directed at Jeongin, her eyes bright before they drifted down to where his crucifix was resting over his heart, hanging over his hoodie. “I do have a weakness for people who aren’t afraid to showcase their faith.”

Jeongin smiled awkwardly, getting the feeling she was flirting again. He wasn’t completely sure. 

They walked in comfortable silence for a moment, before Seojin let out a distressed sound.

“There he is again,” Seojin said, audibly confused. “The weird guy who keeps staring at you.” 

Jeongin looked up, once again meeting Hyunjin’s eyes. Hyunjin bit his lips shyly, waving his long elegant fingers at Jeongin. 

“Do you know him?” Seojin asked confused, eyes flickering to Jeongin. 

“Must have confused me with someone else,” Jeongin rushed out. “Ah, there’s your bus. Better hurry. I don’t want you to be cold. It’s almost November,” he hurried to say, breathing a sigh of relief when he was saved from answering. “I’ll see you next week,”

“Sure,” Seojin said, a little confused, but seemed flattered by Jeongin’s concern for her. “See you,” she said, hand lingering shortly on his arms before she made her way towards the bus and up the steps. Jeongin waved at her, waiting till she was out of sight before he turned to Hyunjin again. 

He had walked closer, smiling weakly at Jeongin. 

“Hi,” Hyunjin said when Jeongin didn’t offer any greeting of his own. 

“I thought, I told you to stay away from me,” Jeongin said, feeling that familiar anger in his chest again. 

“I know, I just…” Hyunjin muttered, eyes falling to his black leather boots. Of course, he looked handsome beyond belief in his perfectly ripped jeans, woolen coat, and high boots. Hell, if Jeongin hadn’t known better he would almost have believed Hyunjin had dressed up for the occasion.

There wasn’t even paint in his hair. 

“Wanted to say sorry?” Jeongin huffed when Hyunjin remained silent. He knew full well he was being unfair, but he was still feeling furious. That had been his first kiss after all, and most importantly Hyunjin had kissed Jeongin out of anger and had ruined the moment of true bliss Jeongin had felt when he had pulled back. 

Jeongin hated how the taste of sin was so delicious on his tongue, that even now, he could feel the desire to reach out and take a bite of the forbidden fruit. “Well, it’s a little too late for that,” he huffed, beginning to walk away. He had plans to go see Doyun today anyway. During Sunday service Jeongin had felt oddly relieved and had gone back to studying the Bible, feeling the need to uncover answers to his questions.

“Jeongin, please just…”  Hyungjin sighed, stopping just short of grabbing a hold of Jeongin’s shoulder as he turned around angrily. “I’m really sorry, and it’s tearing me apart, but if you don’t want to listen to me apologize, then that’s fine, I get that and honestly I wouldn't want to speak to me either, but at least talk to Chan. He feels awful. Same with Changbin.”

“You know, both of them know where I live, so if they want to talk, they could come and find me,” he sneered. He was already beginning to feel jittery, the need to write bubbling up in him again.

Hyunjin just brought out the worst in him.

“Would you listen to them, though?” Hyunjin asked, voice growing strained. “Changbin says you keep running away whenever he comes over.”

“Well, Changbin made his feelings for me perfectly clear,” Jeongin huffed, hands clenching at his sides. “Unlike you, I do what people tell me and stay the fuck out of their eyesight.” 

That at least made Hyunjin look down.

“What I did was horrible,” Hyunjin said, voice weak. When he looked up his eyes were watery and Jeongin’s heart hurt. It was so unfair. So unfair for this man to have so much power over him when Jeongin was nothing to him. 

It was unfair he got to be free when Jeongin had remained trapped. 

Jeongin made a noise of agreement. “I was willing to talk to you weeks ago. I wasn't the one planning ambushes, or springing a fucking kiss on someone as revenge. I can only do so much, Hyunjin, and honestly, I have enough shit to deal with right now, so excuse me,” he said, pushing Hyunjin out of the way and walking away.

A part of him wanted Hyunjin to stop him, to follow him, but he wasn’t surprised when he turned around and saw Hyunjin walk away.

Jeongin did go to Doyun’s church but instead of asking questions he just sat inside the church, his head running a mile a minute before he went home, words rushing from his fingers faster than he could type them into his computer. 

oOo

Jeongin slipped the t-shirt over his head, shaking his head to make his hair fall back into place. He looked at the mirror on the wall, tilting his head. He would need to get a haircut soon. It was longer than he had ever allowed it to grow before. His parents would probably have a heart attack if they saw the state of it, the same with his newly expanded wardrobe.

Moving closer to the mirror Jeongin looked himself over, Seojin’s words returning to his mind. He couldn’t deny she had a point. He had dropped the polo shirts completely and had slowly built himself a wardrobe out of second-hand shirts and goodwill hoodies, something Jisung had been more than happy to help out with. 

With his long hair, he looked a little less like his mother’s son, his eyes still the same though, but he thought they looked sharper now. More cunning than before. He blew a strand of hair out of his eyes, smiling softly at himself. 

He wasn’t quite there yet, but he was suddenly feeling a lot more comfortable in his own skin. He went over to his dresser, put his crucifix on, and gently took his rosary ring until he paused, blinking. 

He turned to look at the mirror and saw himself. He caught his reflection’s eyes and held it before he allowed his eyes to travel down to the ring held between two fingers. 

He couldn’t conjure change with the heavy weight of unspoken confessions, nor the burden of prayers bringing unwanted forgiveness for actions he himself didn’t deem sinful.

Jeongin held the ring in his palm before he closed his fingers around it. The metal was cold against his skin, colder than it usually was.  

He unfolded his hand, picked up the ring, and placed it gently on the dresser. His hands lingered briefly on the chain to his crucifix already hanging around his throat, the gold warming quickly under his fingers. With a last deep breath, he let go, picked up his bag, and left for his lecture, his heart feeling lighter. On his bedside table, the golden font of his bible was bright in the sunlight.

oOo

God, I think I understand everything a bit better now

I hope I am reading your words correctly now

I think…

I think I might be on the right path now

“Please, don’t turn into an old creepy man who raises orchids in a desolate mansion somewhere in the mountains,” Felix said with a soft smile as he leaned against the door. Jeongin looked up at him and made a face. “I don’t know who is weirder about their kids, you or Minho.”

“Minho’s cats are his brothers,” Jeongin shot back, gently petting his devil’s ivy on the leaves. “These are all my kids,” he said proudly, moving on to his monstera who was getting a little too big for his tiny room. He didn’t want to move it though, feeling like it wouldn’t get enough light in the living room. 

“And besides, I only have like four orchids,” Jeongin muttered, looking at the shelf over his bed where their long roots were creeping out of their pots. “And one of them I saved out of a dumpster.” 

“As long as you’re happy,” Felix said as he watched Jeongin water the last of his plants. Things weren’t completely fine between them, but it was getting there slowly. But then again, Jeongin couldn’t expect wonders in just over two weeks.

He was almost used to Felix’s striking blond hair though. 

“So,” Felix said after a moment of silence. Jeongin looked up curiously as Felix bit his lip nervously. “I asked Seungmin and Hyunjin to come over.”

Jeongin stopped what he was doing, looking down at his plants.

“Hyunjin wanted to know if he should wear some protective gear before stepping through the door,” he said with a pointed look. Seemed like no one, not even Seungmin, wanted to spill about what Hyunjin had done to piss Jeongin off to the point of him literally - he had been told so by Jisung - bruising Hyunjin’s nether regions. 

“When are they coming?” He asked, voice a little thin. 

“In about half an hour or so,” Felix said, frowning a little, the awkwardness almost killing him. Jeongin couldn’t really blame him. It had taken some maneuvering from both of them to have friends over since Jeongin technically wasn’t a part of half the group anymore. 

Even Felix having Changbin over had made Jeongin crash on Minho’s couch more than once. He slept over at Jisung’s dorm room too, both of them squeezing into his tiny bed, while his roommate looked at them curiously, proclaiming the whole thing borderline homosexual. Jeongin hadn’t been able to stop himself from telling the idiot that if he wanted it gayer he would have to pay for the show, and that had shut the jock up pretty fast, and made Jisung laugh so hard he had rolled out of the bed. 

Jeongin looked down at his crucifix, the chain feeling oddly heavy around his neck. It didn’t feel right telling Felix that he couldn’t have friends over, but at the same time, he didn’t want to leave. This was his place too. 

“Okay,” Jeongin said with a weak smile, and noticed how Felix’s shoulders immediately relaxed. “I’ll just, eh, stay in here, I suppose?” 

“You can come out from your room too, you know,” Felix said exasperated, rolling his eyes though his lips remained pressed together in a thin line. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jeongin muttered, trying to smile calmingly at Felix. Going by the look he received, Felix wasn’t convinced. “I’ll leave the door open,” Jeongin finally conceded, rolling his eyes as he put the empty watering can away. 

“And…” Felix said, hand leading Jeongin on.

“And go out and get things if I need them as this is my apartment as much as yours,” He rattled off, mirroring the words Felix had said to him the day before when he realized Jeongin was only going out because Changbin was coming over. 

“Good,” Felix said with a smile and a wink. “That wasn't so hard.”

“I'm still not staying when Changbin is here,” Jeongin muttered, dumping himself on his bed and picking up the novel he had been reading. “I’m not listening to you to get it on. It was enough to see him try to eat your neck once.”

“Asshole,” Felix huffed, but he didn’t disagree as he skipped out of the room and started to clean the place a little before his friends came over. Not that it was really needed, Jeongin and Felix were generally pretty tidy to begin with.

Jeongin sighed, getting the distinct feeling Felix was only allowing Jeongin to believe the subject had been dropped to lull him into a false sense of security. 

Jeongin tried to mind his own business as he heard a knock on the door, soon followed by the sound of Seungmin’s voice as well as Hyunjin’s more hesitant one drifting through the apartment. Jeongin breathed out hard, feeling the anger turn in him again as he kept his eyes on his book. 

He reached down, hand grasping his crucifix so hard he was afraid it might break his skin this time again. Even after all of this, his heart still longed.

“Hi, Jeongin,” he heard Seungmin call, but Jeongin was enjoying being petty as all he gave in return was a weak sound of acknowledgment before he tried to lose himself to his world in the novel. It didn’t help that it was about a man falling in love with his best friend, growing increasingly more desperate to have his love recognized as the story progressed. 

It was the last time he just picked a book randomly from the ‘ popular at the moment ’ pile at the library. 

Hyunjin thankfully didn’t try to greet him. 

Jeongin kept his eyes on the book as he heard the others talk, their voices mingling calmly with the quiet lofi music Felix had playing from the speakers. He could feel their eyes on him sometimes, knowing he was in the direct line of sight from the living room. 

In order to give his plants the most sunlight during the day, he had placed his bed so it was right in front of the door. Normally, it was nice to be able to just look up and be able to look at Felix when they wanted to talk without either of them getting up, but right now Jeongin was regretting that decision. 

He did eventually manage to get into his book again, the voices outside washing into a distant hum as the main character tried to confess, only to be horribly rejected. Familiar feelings and fears swept through Jeongin, his heart aching along with the protagonist as he fell into despair, and Jeongin had to pause for a moment, allowing his eyes to fall shut and lean his head back as the echo of the character’s pain washed over him.

“You okay, Innie?” Felix asked, voice worried. “You’re sniffling.” It was only then that Jeongin realized he was crying, tears running down his cheeks silently.

“Shit choice of book,” was all he replied, hurrying to wipe his cheeks. Steps sounded and soon a box of tissues landed on his bed. Jeongin was about to thank Felix, but when he looked up he saw the back of Hyunjin’s slim frame as he walked back to his seat. 

Jeongin took the box with no comment. 

He didn’t have a lot of the novel left, so arming himself with the tissues he tried to get back into the plot, but it was harder this time. It was like he could feel Hyunjin’s eyes when they flickered in his direction. Like a horrid superpower, Jeongin was just able to catch the man sending him fugitive looks out of the corner of his eyes.

Jeongin was just happy his book had a happy ending, because otherwise he would have thought it was a shit use of a perfectly good Monday afternoon. Dropping the book back on the bed, he leaned back again, this time with a smile on his face as he wondered how it must feel to be in love and be loved back, how such happiness would feel in his own skin. 

One could always dream, even if it was dreams of sin.

oOo

Jeongin was in his own world of numbers and constants when he felt a touch on his shoulder. He startled, pulling the earphones he had taken on, once Hyunjin’s laughter had gotten too much, off and looked up at Felix with wide eyes.

“We’re going to get burgers for dinner,” Felix said, eyes on the huge book in Jeongin’s lap and the many pages of crumpled-up paper around him. Jeongin had moved on to actually working on his homework after he finished his novel, and had been buried in a mountain of side equations for the last hour “You just want your usual? And maybe a coke as well. You look like you need sugar.” 

“Please,” Jeongin groaned, his stomach feeling like it wanted to eat itself. His head was hurting as well, and he had been close to giving up for today anyway. “If you’re picking it up, could you get me fries as well?”

“No problem. Anything for you, my little engineer,” Felix grinned, leaving the room and shoving both Seungmin and Hyunjin out the door. Jeongin sighed as the door closed behind them, grateful that Felix had let his lofi music continue playing. 

Jeongin still despised silence.

Jeongin got up from his bed with a groan, body stiff from sitting on his bed for hours. He would normally do his homework at the little dining nook in the living room next to the kitchen, but he hadn’t felt like sitting in the same room as Hyunjin. It was bad enough that he could hear and see the other man from his room, he surely didn’t need to sit right in front of him.

Jeongin made quick work of cleaning up and ran to the bathroom before he went to the kitchen to grab some water. Apart from a single other rather pressing bathroom break Jeongin hadn’t left his room, and he knew the only reason why Felix was picking up their food instead of having it delivered was so Jeongin could get out of his room. 

Jeongin sighed as he emptied half of his glass of water walking into the living room, his headache slowly ebbing away now he was away from his studies. He felt a little sad as he looked at the couch. It was clear from how the pillows had been shuffled around that they had all been sitting really close, Felix in Seungmin’s arms and Hyunjin in Jeongin’s usual spot, facing his room. 

Paper and pencils were scattered over the table. Jeongin felt bad about chasing Felix out to get his own food so he decided to clear the table for them. 

He immediately regretted it as he picked up a drawing of himself. 

He blinked, looking at the delicate lines making up his own concentrated face, a book open in his hands, and orchids dangling down over his head. It was just a sketch, but it was clear just how careful and precise Hyunjin had been while drawing him. 

Jeongin frowned, picking up the next piece of paper. 

This time he was crying. His face trying to retain the overflow of emotions he was experiencing, tears silently rolling down his cheeks, his expression contorted with unsaid heartbreak.

In the next drawing, he was holding his book to his chest, leaning back with a smile. Then he was studying with a frown on his face, having put on earphones and glared at his book turned upside down, eyes closed as he listened to this music, his homework long forgotten. It was like seeing his whole afternoon in short glimpses through Hyunjin’s eyes.

In the corner of one of the drawings, Hyunjin had scribbled a little messy ‘I’m sorry ’.

Jeongin blinked.

After a brief moment of confusion, fury filled him up from the inside. How fucking dare he? How dare Hyunjin make his life miserable, how dare he still have such an impact on Jeongin? 

How dare Hyunjin look at Jeongin like he meant something.

Anger rushed through Jeongin as he picked up all the drawings in a messy pile, stomping over to the trash can, fully ready to get rid of every single one. He stopped, hands shaking as he looked down at the empty ramen packaging from his lunch. He wanted to relax his hands, to see the drawings disappear, but he couldn’t. 

The more he wanted his hands to let go, the tighter he held on.

“FUCK!” Jeongin yelled into the empty kitchen, putting the drawings back down, smoothing out the wrinkles his shaking hands had made. He really hated Hyunjin.

Hated him so much it hurt.

Jeongin hated how Hyunjin knew what it felt like to be kissed by some who loved him, hated how Hyunjin got to be everything Jeongin wished he could be… Hated Hyunjin because, despite all this, he knew, deep down, that Hyunjin wasn’t a bad person. Felix and Seungmin wouldn’t be friends with him otherwise. 

Jeongin hated Hyunjin because Hyunjin could never be his. 

In the end, Jeongin put all the sketches in a pile, placing them on the little dining table in the corner. He finished cleaning and setting the table with a few glasses, taking one for himself and placing it on his desk. When Felix came back, Jeongin gratefully took his food and spent the rest of the night watching anime on his computer. 

When he found a sketch of him laughing with his earphones on the next day, he didn’t mention it. And he certainly didn’t say anything when Felix pinned a few of his favorites to the fridge. 

oOo

Jeongin was seriously contemplating just quitting University, and spend the rest of his life employed at a mini-mart. It felt like something he could do. It was an honorable job that did a lot for people in general, and as an added bonus, it didn’t involve him getting a degree that was making him miserable. 

It didn’t help that the lecture today had been about what they needed to focus on in their exams, and suddenly the end of the semester seemed to be getting closer and closer. Even if it was only in the mid dle of October, November felt terribly close. And once it was November it would almost be December and before long Jeongin would be back in Busan. 

Back to his parents, his church, and the dishonest shackles that would allow him to live peacefully for as long as he could.

Jeongin looked down at his notes, none of them making much sense. He looked up again, his brain unable to grasp anything coming out of the professor. Even the PowerPoint didn’t clue him into what was going on. 

His words were like a lullaby, pulling even the most energetic souls to sleep… Jeongin wrote, almost unwillingly. He frowned as he read the words, scratching them out immediately. Really it was such a bad habit to just write silly things. 

His father would hit him if he saw. 

When the lecture was finally done, Jeongin was happy to escape, Yedam following him with a yawn. 

“Please tell me I wasn’t the only one who completely lost it at the end,” Yedam said, stumbling along next to Jeongin. He blinked lazily and Jeongin couldn’t help how cute he looked. Still, he was no Hyunjin. 

“I have no idea what half of what he said today was about. He lost me on his tangent of mass versus pressure,” Jeongin muttered, shaking his head as they stepped outside. The fresh crisp air was like a balm on his aching brain. “I don’t even think that it is part of the course.”

“I doubt it,” Yedam said, head back as he looked at the sky, breathing deeply. Once again Jeongin cursed himself for the fact he couldn’t just let go. Yedam was nice. He didn’t make Jeongin’s heart explode, but he was nice. Jeongin could see him loving the other if he was ever given the chance. 

But Jeongin’s love remained a sin.

“Anyways,” Yedam said, eyes falling from the heavens and down to Jeongin. “I have got to get to my next lecture,” he pouted and Jeongin couldn’t hold back a laugh. The other man was just so cute. 

“Sucks to be you.” Jeongin said. “By the way, we’re still on for lunch on Thursday?” He added, deciding to be happy that their one cup of friendly coffee had become several cups of friendly coffee and a lot of friendly lunches. 

“Of course,” Yedam grinned, skipping over to give Jeongin a quick hug before taking off. Jeongin watched him leave with a heavy heart before he turned. It would still be a few hours before he had his next lecture, so Jeongin would need some coffee. 

He turned towards the art department, walking slowly, and enjoyed not having anywhere to run to. Around him, the trees were golden and bright, the perfect image of autumn. The piles of leaves at their feet were growing bigger and bigger though. Soon there would be no leaves left at all.

Soon it would be winter, and before the last snow thawed Jeongin would be gone.

He sighed deeply as he made his way to the café, smiling weakly at the barista. She had exchanged her bright rainbow hair with a deep purple shade that complimented her large and silver statement earrings. Her hair had grown out a bit, leaving a patch of black at the base of her head, but it blended almost intentionally in with the dye.

Jeongin ordered his coffee, and hid away in the corner taking out his notes in an attempt to make them somewhat helpful for himself. He was nice and cozy with his coffee and his sad-day treat in the form of a muffin when the door burst open, a familiar giggle filling the place.

Jeongin wanted to groan as Hyunjin waltzed in, Changbin, Chan, and Jisung hot on his heels. Thankfully none of them seemed to notice him as they jumped to the register to order, making the barista laugh loudly as Hyunjin flicked his hair flirtatiously at her. 

Jeongin bit his lip, trying hard not to look at them while pretending not to exist at the same time. His phone lit up and he wasn’t surprised to see a text from Jisung. He looked up, meeting the kind smile of his friend. 

Jeongin put a finger over his mouth and Jisung winked at him, immediately turned around, and noisily threw himself over Changbin’s shoulder. Jeongin sighed, replying to Jisung’s ‘ i see u’ with a grateful ‘Thanks. I owe you’. 

Still, even though he knew he shouldn’t, Jeongin couldn’t keep his eyes from looking up, immediately sticking to Hyunjin like his very presence was magnetic. 

There was something utterly graceful about Hyunjin. He looked like a painting, with soft sunkissed skin, golden hair with just a hint of black at the roots, long slim legs hugged tightly by a pair of black jeans 

Even leaning over the counter, carefully selecting the perfect apple from the fruit hamper he looked like sin personified. Jeongin couldn’t help but feel his cheeks heat up as he thought of the kiss, of Hyunjin’s delicate lips pressed against his own. 

He couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel to have those lips wander, to hear the sighs and moans he might make depending on where Jeongin touched him. He wondered how his skin would look without the cover of his clothes, if he would blush when Jeongin allowed his hands to drift over him, teasing him with his fingers…

“No, no, no,” Jeongin chastised himself in a hushed tone.

Jeongin shook his head, hurrying to take a sip of his coffee. He shouldn’t think like that, shouldn’t like it, shouldn’t be this curious. He wouldn’t get anything out of letting these fantasies evolve and flourish in his imagination. Jeongin had been fine before the kiss, not knowing what he was lusting after, and maybe if it only had been that one taste of temptation, then he could have made it through this without wanting to delve right back into sin. But his own kiss of revenge had awakened an even deeper desire he wasn’t aware of. 

Hyunjin was temptation, condemnation, and imitated salvation in one being, his hands made for destroying Jeongin and his faith. Hyunjin was made for consuming every single part of Jeongin.

Hyunjin was bad for him.

Jeongin knew that. Still, he couldn’t keep his eyes away.

Hyunjin was laughing at something Chan had said, his giggle filling the whole café like bells. Changbin was complaining and Jisung was subtly blocking Jeongin from their periphery. Jeongin’s eyes fell to Hyunjin’s long fingers, fascinated with the way they grasped the apple in his hand, a stark contrast between his soft skin and the harsh firm skin of the fruit as he kept turning it over in his hand absentmindedly. 

Almost without thinking, Jeongin picked up his pen and placed it on the paper of his notebook. He twirled it in his hand for a moment, before letting the tip hit the surface of the paper and allowed it to move, imprinting the words of his mind onto a physical entity. He let his eyes drift over the words as they bled out of him and onto the paper, finally allowing his words to see the light of day. 

From the tip of his pen, he created a new world, a new tale.

A tale of a man so beautiful even the Gods grew jealous. 

Jeongin couldn’t stop. Once he began, the words just rushed out of him as a story slowly formed inside his head. He was so focused he didn’t hear his friends leave, didn’t notice how Hyunjin took a bite of his apple, stopping before his lips touched the fruit, starstruck by Jeongin’s presence. He didn’t see Jisung pull Hyunjin away before the other two noticed, nor did Jeongin see how Hyunjin kept looking at him over his shoulder as they walked away, his apple whole and uneaten. 

All Jeongin saw was his own sinful words.

oOo

There was something odd about leaving mass when he had neither confessed nor received communion. Jeongin had always been an active part of the mass, confessed weekly, and had been at the altar every Sunday to receive Christ’s blessing. But now he couldn’t. He used to always pay attention to mass, be it Korean or Latin, he always made sure to take note of the priest’s words, but now they felt cold and unpleasant to him. 

He was present, but oddly detached as he left, barely acknowledging anyone in the congregation. His head was somewhere else as he walked past the bus stop, not feeling like being with other people. 

He just wanted to wander. 

Since he had begun writing the other day, Jeongin hadn’t been able to stop. He had a good chunk of the beginning, and as if he had pulled a thread, the whole plot had come alive before him. When he sat in front of his computer, the words rushed out of him almost too fast for him to get them down, his head always turning the story’s dilemmas over and over even while he was doing other things. 

It was like he was possessed. 

Even now, all Jeongin wanted to do was go home to write about the man who wasn’t Hyunjin. To bleed his broken heart out onto the pages, and to dream of a man who was kind, caring, and who would love someone like Jeongin in a world where their love wasn’t a sin and the Gods were pitiful disgraceful things. 

His head was somewhere in the clouds when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He wanted to curse when he noticed his mom’s name on the screen and for a while, he considered not picking up but decided against it. Not picking up would cause more headaches than picking up would.

He was just happy she didn’t know he was writing. She would be furious if she found out he had begun that again, and to be fair, he wasn’t in the mood to have a repeat of last time when his fifteen-year-old self had experimented with writing after getting inspired by an old library book. 

The pain wasn't worth the joy of writing. 

“Hi, Mom,” Jeongin said as he picked up, trying to keep his voice light as he kept walking. 

“Have you been to church?” His mother asked without even giving Jeongin a single greeting.

“I’m always at church on Sundays, Mom,” he sighed, maneuvering around a whole family out enjoying the last of the sunshine before winter took over soon. Not that the sunshine would last long with the big clouds slowly drifting in over the city though. 

“Well, with how you've changed lately I have no choice but to check up,” His mother sighed, a tint of that worry that was becoming a little too familiar clinging to her voice. “You still haven't talked to your dad about moving back,” she added as a reason for her sudden call.

Jeongin had to admire her for getting directly to the point for once.

“If I could, I'd rather wait for the summer break. I’ve already registered for classes for after Christmas,” he said, trying not to sound like he was begging. 

“But you can take all that here,” his mom said, confused and unwilling to understand. “Busan has so many good universities. Look at where your brother is going. You could eat lunch together,” she said, voice getting all cheery at the idea.

“Mom, I don’t think Jeonghwan wants to eat lunch with me every day,” Jeongin sighed, trying not to sound like a petulant child. “And Busan doesn't have the course I want to take anyway.”

“Then you don’t need it,” his mom said with finality.

“Mom.” Jeongin said, stopping up, not caring that he was being pushed around by strangers. “You can't just play with my education like this. I want to take this course. You’re the ones who want me to be an engineer.”

“Only because you insist on being childish about blood,” she said impatiently. Jeongin sucked in a deep breath, the comment stinging more than it should. “I did so much to make you ready to study medicine, and now I have to do it all over again for your little brother. After having wasted so many years of math to make him ready to study engineering.”

“I don’t get sick by the sight of blood because it amuses me,” Jeongin spat, trying very hard not to be disrespectful. God would know how many sins he had otherwise built up over the last few weeks since he last confessed. 

“You could at least have tried,” his mother said like she didn’t know how many videos of dissections Jeongin had been forced to watch, how many gory pictures of brains, and how many hours she had spent with him leaning over dead mice and birds, yelling at him to keep cutting even if Jeongin had tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“You could have saved lives, Jeongin. Been the special boy God always intended you to be,” she added, the words like a spear between Jeongin’s ribs. “Imagine you, with your… inclination, you wouldn’t have to worry about a family. You could have worked your whole life, being the hands of God. Now, you just pushed that onto your brother and you still tell me you won’t marry.”

Jeongin couldn’t say anything as he stood still as the whole world moved around him.

“Where are you even?” His mother asked, unaware of how her words had hurt her son. “It sounds so noisy.”

“I'm walking home,” Jeongin replied without even thinking. His mother made a disapproving sound on the phone.

“On the day of rest?” She asked, voice tinted with anger. “Don’t you know you should worship God by being relaxed and doing as little as possible, and yet you’re walking home?”

“I needed the air,” Jeongin said voice growing small.

“You need to honor God,” his mom said sharply. “I will talk with your father about moving. If you will not listen to me, you’ll listen to him,” she said, hanging up without a word of goodbye. 

Above him, distant thunder rolled over the skies.

Jeongin wanted to scream. He was so angry, so tired, and frustrated.

He lifted his hand to his neck and moved in under his scarf, cold fingers grasping the gold chain around his neck and pulling. He wanted to tear it, to break his promises to God, to break free of everything holding him down.

The gold bit into him, refusing to break, tearing painfully at his skin. 

Heavy rain drops began to fall around him, and people jumped to get out of the sudden rain. Jeongin could only look up, feeling a little like God had it out for him, since he still had a long way home and his jacket wasn’t water-resistant. 

With a curse, Jeongin ran along the street, running under an overhang and looking for a café or something he could take refuge in. 

He stopped in his tracks suddenly, eyes drawn to the building in front of him. The facade was simple and ordinary, but it was the gleaming cross on the door that caught his attention. 

Jeongin wasn’t really sure what made him cross the street, the water pelting him as he jumped up the steps and pushed the door open, coming to a stop as soon as he entered. 

It was very clear that this wasn’t a Catholic church, and if Jeongin had any doubts then he was proven right once he entered the main part of the church, the lack of a basin of holy water obvious. 

The whole church was much lighter as well. The walls were white, and the pews were made of light wood. There were no pictures of saints, no Holy Mary staring at him from somewhere, and no confessional either. Instead, there was a beautiful painting, and a huge bare cross standing at the end, large candelabras standing on the altar, still lit after the Sunday service. 

Jeongin made his way into the church feeling a little like an outsider as he slid into one of the pews, immediately spotting a book of hymns. He blinked and picked it up hesitantly before leafing through it. He was familiar with some of the hymns, but most of them were new to him.

Putting the book down, Jeongin opened his jacket and placed it carefully on the seat next to him. He breathed in deeply, the air clear of the incense Father Hong favored. 

It was quiet, warm, and peaceful. 

It was very much the same, yet completely different from his own church. 

“Well, hello there,” he heard someone say. Jeongin opened his eyes, seeing an older man with kind eyes look down at him. He was bathed in the light from the brightly shining chandelier above them. In his arms, he carried a plain and old-looking Bible. “You look like you’re lost,” the man said, sitting down on the pew next to Jeongin.

For once, Jeongin had words for why he wasn’t able to find meaning within his faith recently. 

He was lost. 

Well and truly lost.

Felix kept looking from Jeongin and down to his hands, only to look back up again a second later. His mouth kept opening and then closing again after a second as if he forgot what he wanted to say. 

Jeongin wasn’t much better. His hands were rubbing at his jeans, and he was pretty sure he was going to make them more distressed than they already were if he kept this up. He tried to breathe deeply, searching aimlessly for the right words, but all he wanted was to run away again.

“I meant what I said yesterday,” Jeongin eventually said, voice tight as he looked at the picture hanging on the wall over the TV. It was one Felix had hung up recently, pink and blue roses intertwined in some lightly abstract watercolor style. It was pretty. “I don’t care about your sexuality. I don’t think you’re anything less just because you choose to sleep with someone the Bible says you shouldn’t be with,” Jeongin forced out from his frozen lungs.

Without noticing he reached down to clutch his crucifix, the points digging into his palm painfully. 

“You said it was a sin,” Felix said after the silence had dragged on for another eternity. “I asked you if you didn’t like Hyunjin because he was gay, and you said it was a sin,” Felix continued, hurt bleeding into his words. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin said, voice hard as he squeezed around the crucifix hard, before letting it go. The dents from the corners remained, deep and red grooves carved into his skin. The tiny scar on his palm from before ached. “If you ask the Bible, it is a sin,” he sighed deeply, “But I’m not God nor a priest. I’m not here to judge your life or condemn your sins, that’s not my job.”

“Do you think it’s disgusting?” Felix asked, his voice hard as his eyes dug into Jeongin’s side. He still refused to look up to meet Felix’s light brown eyes. “What Changbin and I do together, does it make you sick to your stomach?”

“No,” Jeongin answered honestly. Closing his eyes he softly turned, only opening his eyes when he was facing Felix. “But you lying to me hurt me to my core. I thought we were best friends, Felix. I thought we understood each other. Don’t you get it?”

Felix just looked back at him with hard eyes.

“But it is a sin,” Felix said, and just like Jeongin, he was sounding more like he was echoing someone else’s opinion than his own beliefs. “God said a man should not lie with another man. To do so is not natural,” he said, voice getting more and more choked up with every word.

“Fuck God,” Jeongin said harshly. Next to him, Felix jumped, mouth hanging open. 

For the first time in his life, Jeongin took God’s name in vain. 

And yet, he wasn’t struck down by lightning. 

He lived.

“Lying is also a sin, yet you seemed perfectly okay doing that. Hell, even I lie all the time,” Jeongin said, pressing his shaking hands onto his knees. 

“But you-” Felix tried to say, but Jeongin couldn’t do this anymore.

“I’m gay, Felix,” he said, words hard as he let them out. They fled from his lips and filled the room, his deepest secret now out to so many people. “I’m gay, and I thought you knew that. I thought we were the same, trapped in a faith that does not allow us to love, and I thought you understood me,” Jeongin breathed out shakily, not able to look at Felix any more.

The room was suffocating. 

“I never had a problem with you dating Changbin, okay? I don’t care. Or, I do, I’m green with envy - another sin - because I wish I could do that. I wish I could…” Jeongin’s voice shook too badly to continue. 

He was so tired of tears. 

“I know, I’ll die alone. Sure, I could have a platonic relationship with someone, maybe even get away with a kiss if it wasn’t too much, but it wouldn’t be accepted. And I know my heart, Felix. I love with my entire being, not just half of me,” Jeongin forced out, the words feeling dirty as he said them. He had never admitted much of this, even to himself. “But I’m greedy, Felix. I wouldn’t be able to love someone half. I want to love with my whole being, heart, soul, and… body. I’m sad you kept your relationship from me, but more so, I’m deeply envious that you can have something I won’t ever be allowed to try.”  

Felix still didn’t say anything, he just stared at Jeongin with his mouth open in shock.

“You’re gonna catch flies,” Jeongin said dryly, looking away. His skin was itching. It felt like he was naked, shame clinging to him like grease. He was dirty, sinful, and disgusting. He had always been told that telling your secrets was a relief, but this wasn't.

“You don’t have to worry about the others not knowing. I accidentally told Chan and Seungmin yesterday, and Jisung and Minho know now too. Given that Chan has a big mouth, Hyunjin will know soon, but you can tell Changbin… Just promise you won't make it sound like a lame excuse for me behaving like an idiot. It isn’t. I really am gay,” he rushed out, hand twitching nervously on his knees.

“I know you wouldn’t lie about that,” Felix said, some of his usual softness back in his voice. “I just… why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, face getting pink when Jeongin just looked at him with a lifted eyebrow. “Yeah, okay.”

“I know, I shouldn’t have stormed out,” Jeongin said, biting his lip and breathing deeply. “I get how that must have looked to you, but I was just really angry and didn’t want to call you names. It’s okay if you hate me now. I understand that,” he added wryly. 

“I don’t hate you,” Felix said hurriedly, voice rough. “You were just really mad. I have never seen you look like that before. And then you didn't pick up your phone, and I couldn’t get a hold of you. I thought you were avoiding us. And then suddenly you're home, but you’re not really. Kinda makes it look like you hate me,” Felix defended himself. 

Jeongin didn’t really have anything to say to that. 

They both misunderstood the other.

They both fucked up.

“I was home in Busan over the weekend. That’s why I didn’t pick up. My phone died and I forgot my charger,” Jeongin said. He didn’t want to think about his parents so he quickly continued. “You probably should just hate me though,” Jeongin added, closing his eyes to hold back his tears. Fuck, he was tired of crying. “I doubt Changbin will ever talk to me, and, well, Chan, Hyunjin, and Seungmin seem to think I'm the scum of the earth. Minho and Jisung aren't mean enough to pick sides, but they’ll be there for you too.”

“Changbin doesn't hate you,” Felix sighed, moving a little so he was closer to Jeongin. His hand hovered hesitantly just next to Jeongin like he wanted to reach out. “And neither do the others. I think Changbin did kinda lose his temper a little, I’ll admit. But he doesn't hate you. He just tried to protect me. I was… I was very hurt,” Felix said, shame coloring his words. 

“I don’t think you read his texts,” Jeongin said darkly, his voice sounding wrong and twisted. “And Hyunjin… let’s just say he now has his reasons not to like me. Besides, I'm not sure we’re all as good friends as we all thought we were,” Jeongin dared to say. He ignored the pained sound coming from Felix, forcing the next words out.

It felt like the truth anyway.

“I don’t think, the person you all seem to think I am is me. Like you all just jumped to the fact that I had to be an asshole. You didn’t even fucking ask where I was, or gave me the benefit of the doubt,” Jeongin whispered, not giving Felix a chance to reply before he continued. “Anyway, it’s okay if you don’t like me. I'm moving out after exam season,” Jeongin said, taking another breath. His chest felt oddly tight. 

“What!?” Felix exclaimed, his deep voice sounding angry as his eyes bore into the side of Jeongin’s face. 

“You can ask Jisung to move in. I know he hates his dorm and the rent is paid the year out anyway,” Jeongin said, the air feeling thicker and thicker by the minute. It was getting hard to breathe. “Just, could I get you to take care of my plants for me?” He asked, another painful ache filling his chest.

“Jeongin, what do you mean you're moving out? Where the fuck are you going?” Felix asked, his irritation making his voice deeper. 

“I'm going back home,” Jeongin said, words feeling heavy as they left him. 

“The fuck!? You’re telling me you don’t care I’m gay and the first thing you tell me is you can’t keep on living with me, what the fuck is that? Who the hell do you think you are?” Felix sneered, moving back to he was as far away from Jeongin as he could get on the couch.

Jeongin’s tried to breathe, looking at the picture of the blue and pink roses over the TV. They were oddly calming.

“I don’t have a choice,” Jeongin forced out, lungs beginning to feel like stone. “My parents want me back home. My mother figured out I'm gay, same with my brother. They want me away from sin, back home where they can be sure I don’t do something they wouldn’t approve of.”

“Shit,” Felix said, all the anger leaving him in that one word and before Jeongin had time to notice, Felix was glued to his side. His arms held Jeongin so tight it hurt. “I'm not allowing that, Jeongin. They’re not taking you away from me.”

“I don’t think I have a choice,” Jeongin whispered, voice shaking as he finally lost his grip on his tears. 

oOo

“I just wished you would have told me,” Jeongin said, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. He and Felix had ended up weeping in each other arms like small children and eventually they had just laid down on the floor, finding it easier to talk when they didn’t have to look at each other. “Were you ever going to tell me?” He continued, softly, with no malice to his words.

“Yeah,” Felix softly admitted, reaching out to take Jeongin’s hand. “I know it doesn't help but I didn't want to tell the others either. Like, I’ve had a crush on Changbin since the day Chan introduced us, but I was…”

“Scared it wouldn’t work out,” Jeongin finished for him, understanding completely.

“Yeah,” Felix said. “Like we all know each other as friends. If we dated in secret and broke up, then at least we could pretend nothing happened, but if we got all of you involved… well, you’d all have to pick sides.” 

“I would have picked you,” Jeongin teased, his chest feeling a little lighter. Still, there was this huge weight on him though, digging uncomfortably into his heart. “If he hurts you I'm dropping one of his dumbbells on his feet.”

“If he hurts me, I’ll let you,” Felix grinned, his giggle making it easier for Jeongin to breathe. “Fuck, this turned into a mess, didn’t it?” He breathed, holding Jeongin’s hand tight.

“Sure did,” Jeongin said, returning Felix’s tight grip. After all, it was the only thing keeping him from floating away. “I'm sorry though, that you felt you couldn't tell me. But… Well, you know what they keep saying about being gay. I’ve been told to restrain myself since I first confessed to wanting to hold a boy's hands when I was thirteen.”

“Shit, you’ve known that long?” Felix said, surprise coloring his words. “I didn't figure it out until I was like sixteen. It was one of the reasons I decided to leave. I wanted to get some air from my church back home. I wasn’t even allowed to think about being gay, or bi, which is what I actually identify as. Even being close to anyone queer is seen as a sin. It’s toxic as fuck.”

“My mom wants me to get married,” Jeongin admitted with a dry smirk. “She thinks that will cure me.” 

“I think that will make it worse,” Felix said, shuddering as he was clearly imagining being married to someone he didn’t love. “But lying is a sin… Wouldn’t you have to lie if you marry a girl?”

“I think I have to do more than lie,” Jeongin muttered, shaking his head from side to side. “And I would never actually do it. Love should be sacred. It's a gift from God to us. Marriage should be about celebrating that love. It wouldn’t feel right to marry someone I don’t love. I want to be like my parents, you know?”

“Hmm, if my parent’s marriage had been good, sure. But then again, sometimes I doubt they married out of love, or if they just did because it was just expected of them. Fuck, I just want to be happy. Even if I can’t get married, that's just another sin at this point,” Felix said with a sigh. “I do… I do love Changbin, though.”

“Good,” Jeongin said, finally allowing himself to feel a flutter of happiness for his friend. “Does he love you too?”

“Yeah,” Felix said, all giddy and happy. Jeongin smiled at the ceiling, ignoring the ugly envy in his chest. It wasn't important. Just because he couldn't have Hyu- someone, it didn’t mean he couldn’t be happy for his best friend. 

“Good.” Jeongin said with a smile. “No more lies, though,” Jeongin added with a huff, lifting Felix’s hand and shaking it. 

“No more lies,” Felix promised, his smile clearing his voice. 

“I kneed Hyunjin in the balls by the way,” Jeongin said, trying to keep his voice light. “Just for full disclosure when you talk to him next time. I kinda have a feeling any friendship between him and me is impossible at this point,” Jeongin added, an odd heavy pain filling his chest at the knowledge that he would never be anything but an angry painful memory to Hyunjin. 

“What the fuck, Innie?” Felix said, sitting up, blond hair sticking out everywhere as he looked down at Jeongin. “What did he do?”

“Let’s just say he deserved it,” Jeongin sighed, closing his eyes. “I also kinda might have kissed him before I did it,” he added in a thin voice. He opened up his eyes a little bit, watching Felix stare down at him with his mouth open. “Which was also completely his fault and has everything to do with why I kneed him in the balls.”

“The fuck?” Felix replied, closing his mouth and blinking confusedly. “I feel like there is a story there.”

“Hmm, kinda, but you have to pull that out of Hyunjin. You’ve got my side of it,” Jeongin said, getting a little pink as he remembered the kiss. He really had the worst temper. “And he might not want to come over too much from now on as I threatened to do it again if he ever showed his face in front of me,” Jeongin added with an embarrassed smile.

Felix just lifted his eyebrow. 

“Yeah, so there’s that,” Jeongin said weakly.

“Hmm, you don’t say,” Felix muttered with an eye roll, but he was smiling so Jeongin thought it was okay. “Anyways, I'm sorry too. Minho and Jisung kept telling me we had to be misunderstanding you when you walked out. I should just have listened.”

“And I should have told you I was going to Busan when I gave in to my mother’s nagging,” Jeongin said with a shrug. “I think we all messed up, but it is what it is.”

“Gonna be hell trying to fix this, isn’t it?” Felix said with a sigh, lying down next to Jeongin again. 

“It is,” Jeongin said with a sigh. He closed his eyes, his hand coming up to rest on his chest where the crucifix was resting. It was going to be a mess to piece both their lives back together.

oOo

Hangyeol was in a mood today. Jeongin blinked, trying very hard not to fall asleep as the other man initiated his third rant of the afternoon. He looked around, finding several others who had seemingly also given up following along in the discussion. 

Jeongin sighed quietly looking down at the Bible in his hands. The black leather was slightly worn from the many years of frequent use, but the familiar surface was still well-kept despite the hours Jeongin had spent searching for the answers hidden within. Usually, he would have been able to find what he was looking for, but now it felt like the more he searched for answers for his faith, the more holes and missing pieces appeared.

It used to be easy. To follow what the fathers and his parents said the Bible preached, but now it seemed to make less sense in the context he had been given.

Jeongin wasn’t sure if it was because the Bible just wasn’t meant to help with 21st-century issues, or if it had ever made sense to anyone. 

He looked at the Bible in his lap, for the first time feeling like the words in it were nonsense. All the stories, the tales, and moral lessons of his childhood seemed so dumb. Half the stories seemed odd, the other half had ‘good men’ doing God's work by sleeping with their own daughters and killing their sons. How could they be righteous, but Jeongin’s pure romantic love was ‘unnatural’? 

The other half of the Bible’s stories seemed to have been twisted and turned so many times the original meanings had been lost to translations and time.

Jeongin had never had a crisis of faith. He had never strayed off the path like many of his classmates. He didn’t sneak out to drink, had secret girlfriends, or tried to figure out himself through unholy means, because he had been so sure he knew who he was; His parent’s flawed son, who would do anything to be seen as worthy in their eyes. But now, every morning he looked into the mirror and a stranger stared back at him.

Jeongin had always been a righteous and devout child, so how come he was born to be a sinner? 

He had followed all rules given to him by his church and his parents and had never allowed himself to let go and sin for the hell of it. He had always restrained himself and kept the unsightly parts hidden and out of sight, but it seemingly hadn’t made a difference. 

To all, he was born to sin, simply for existing.

Jeongin was tired of being sinful just because others deemed him to be.

“- And with that, I think we should finish for today,” Hangyeol finally said. Jeongin could barely hide his smile at the sigh of relief that went through the room. It was way past the time they usually finished, and Hangyeol barely got his usual goodbyes over before the first few were running out the door as fast as they could.

“Silent again today,” Seojin teased as she walked over to Jeongin, her pleated skirt brushed against her knees as she walked. Her long socks allowed a modest little bit of skin to peek out just under her knee. 

Jeongin smiled at her, noticing how nice she looked. He wondered if she had anywhere to be since he could even see the barest hint of peach eyeshadow on her eyelids. Even her jacket, a long gray peacoat, looked like something one would wear for Sunday mass and not Bible study. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin struggled, putting his Bible in his bag and pulling his jacket on. It was almost the beginning of October and it was starting to get cold. “Thought I’d let him have his moment, you know,” Jeongin smiled, offering up his arm.

Seojin took it with a smile.

As usual, it was easy being with Seojin. They could talk about everything, laugh, and just be. Jeongin barely noticed that they had been so busy talking that they hadn’t noticed Seojin’s bus arriving and leaving.

“Oh,” Jeongin said, cheeks getting red as his bus approached. “I’m so sorry, Seojin. Here I am just running my mouth,” he sighed with a wry smile.

“It’s okay,” Seojin said, like the nice person she was. Her own cheeks were getting pink from the cold, and she pressed closer to Jeongin, looking up at him from under her eyelashes. “You can just go, I can wait by myself,” she said with a soft smile.

“Nah, it wouldn’t feel right to let you be here all alone,” Jeongin said with his own smile. “Besides, I can just take the next one.” Seojin’s smile was blinding as she leaned closer to him for warmth. Her eyes flickered over the street, a frown appearing on her face.

“Do you know that guy?” She asked, leaning up to speak directly at Jeongin’s ear. “He keeps staring at you,” she said, nodding discreetly to a cafe a few meters away. Jeongin allowed his eyes to flicker over to see who it was, his heart stuttering in his chest as he was suddenly looking straight into Hyunjin’s beautiful eyes. 

Jeongin wanted to die a little when he looked Hyunjin over. His hair was half-up half-down with a small braid trailing through it, and a few strands having torn themselves loose to caress his face. Eyeliner framed his eyes and made them stand out more than usual, and the light dusting dark of makeup only made him look more alluring than usual. 

His tinted lips looked like temptation itself, and Jeongin hated that he could remember with perfect clarity how they felt, pressed against his own. 

He was dressed to kill, all black leather and distressed jeans that allowed the most seductive glimpses of his perfect skin. There was no paint, no imperfection, and Jeongin’s whole body hummed with the need to get closer. 

“Hmm, don’t think so,” he said with a shrug, looking away. However, now that he was aware of Hyujnin’s glare, he could feel it on him like a warm brand against his side. 

“Hmm, I always feel a little sorry for people who dress like that,” Seojin said in that tone of her that meant she was being completely honest and well-meaning even if her words were mean. Her eyes flickered back to Hyunjin and back to Jeongin. “He looks like he’s trying to prove something to the world. Like he wants to fight. And the sad thing is, he doesn’t. If he just found peace he’d realize he needs nothing but God’s love.”

Jeongin blinked a few times, unease turning in his stomach at her conviction. Hyunjin didn’t need God’s love. It was God’s love that turned his parents away from him, the same love that had tainted Jeongin’s childhood with painful memories of not being worthy of grace.

“Besides,” she said with a blinding smile, “I like how you dress more.” She reached up, gently turning the crucifix Jeongin had taken to carry outside of his clothing lately. A silent protest to his own doubt. “Jesus was turning the wrong way,” she said, hand lingering on Jeongin’s chest a little too long to be innocent. 

Jeongin’s stomach churned painfully. 

“Oh, there's my bus,” Seojin said with a smile, hand letting go of Jeongin’s crucifix. “See you next week,” she added, hurrying up the bus, and waved at Jeongin as she drove away. Jeongin smiled at her, dread starting to fill him as he took note of just how she was smiling at him.

He could feel Hyunjin stare at him again. Jeongin wanted to curse as his skin prickled and burned pleasantly under the attention. He ached to look at the man he had loved and pinned for secretly for years. 

But Jeongin wasn’t a lonely teen anymore and he was tired. So, so tired. He wasn’t going to chase after ghosts and temptation anymore. Jeongin needed to figure some things out before he ventured out into unknown territory, if he even dared to do so.

When his bus came a few minutes later Jeongin got on it, not once giving Hyunjin a single glance.