Bruh

I am 5’7 on good days. My twin bed was always the perfect size for myself and it never felt too big or too small. Once you came into my life that changed. My twin bed was enough for us and it kept us close. There were nights where even though I’m the bigger person, you pushed me into a third of the bed, but even then I couldn’t complain because I’m the morning you’d wake me up with a kiss or tickling me because you were hungry. Now that you’re no longer here my bed is too big for me. I wake with no one by my side and it hurts. I thought I could move on easily but that was a lie I kept telling myself. It’s been a little over a month and it just gets harder and harder waking up without you. Maybe one day this bed will no longer be too big for me, but for now all I can do is dream of the days we shared and the life we could of had. I miss you and I love you.

You’re still the person I think about whether I like it or not. I know I told you many times how i was over you and that I liked someone else. This was not to lie to you, but to lie to myself. I simply couldn’t go back to something so toxic. While it was hard for you in the short term, it has been hard for me then and it is still hard for me now. Fighting the need to talk to you, the need to see you and wanting to hear your voice. I know it’ll be worth it in the end, but god it’s eating me inside. I hope you’re doing well and you’re happier than ever.

Officially moved out of my 3rd year apartment yesterday. Although the last few weeks were full of bad memories, I cannot deny that I made great memories as well. I especially miss you now that I am gone from there. At least there, I could hold onto the days that we spent there, but now it's just a new apartment with no memories to look back to. I told you I missed you and hoped for an I miss you too...I also knew you would most likely ignore it. Anyways, I guess this is the beginning of something new.

I seem to keep making mistakes left and right. At this very moment, I question my decision of being there for Mia. I really want to see the best in her because I think of her as an amazing friend, but is she really? Or am I being blinded by my past feelings for her. I see hints to either side. This hurts me a lot because if I am right and she is the person who I think it is, then I doubted her; but if I am wrong and she really is using me to her advantage, then what is the point of having trust. 

I have been hurt so much, yet I cannot help but care about you. I am sure you did your own thing and honestly I am the only one who truly got hurt. I feel so ridiculed...I feel like I was just used like a puppy. You know? How you play with the puppy as much as you want but at the end of the day you go back to who you truly care about and leave me there confused not knowing what happened. Don’t get me wrong thought, I do not blame you. It is actually my fault, but I promise I will never let that happen again.

Sometimes you may think you know what you want, when in reality you're being distracted. The light is near but it's not time. Keep going and don't stop.