florescent green leaves just illuminated by the dim lights lining the streets; like the moon, like this place at noon, it shines on and on and- into my skin like the smell of roses, sat right by my bed, the pile of pills i take morning & night and------ my hands are here for you, shaking, my breath here for you, one of three taking in oxygen, my fingers for you, pressed inside of me like the core of planet earth. womanhood is my geology, not just dips not just cracks not just layers and slants and the core just barely molten inside. climb through the ground and this is how you get to me, make me scream, this is how you hold on to me. my hair looks like corn silk and feels like cloth silk and they say i look like an angel, thru it, to me this is--constructed, deconstructed, capitalized & capitalizing, shampoo i don't use conditioner i don't use, like, if i could know what it felt like to be a woman it would be inside of me.

i’ve kissed so many people i shouldn’t have recently. i guess kissing anyone is something i shouldn’t do. i guess it’s not so much that i kissed them but they kissed me. but it’s very hard to make that stop once it starts. i wish i weren’t in love with someone 7,992 miles away, who everyone hates, i wish i weren’t in love at all. how long is it before i become Part of Him, Part of the Him that everyone hates. when do i become un-independent, non-autonomous.  (speaking of dependent) i wish i didn’t have to take melatonin every night to sleep, it tastes like grape and i hate it. i wish the people who kissed me had no history and no memory and didn’t love my friends and that i was the same and that i could feel the feeling of lips on mine. in the dark. pressing together, at first too dry. all i can think is that it’s been 2 months since i kissed you and i’m the last person you kissed but you’re not the last person i kissed. you’re still the last person i fucked.

realizing that taking lots of medications means i am perpetually in the state of just ‘not feeling good’ physically (as well as mentally, obviously), so i need to stop complaining about it bc it doesn’t seem like it will be going away any time soon.