Totally Not Satire Spoilers

BB28: Time Trip

(ft. Second-chance returnees and production's fruit-based lab experiments)

Row 1 (Newbies): Alexis, Drea, Stacey, Tamara. Row 2 (Newbies): Louis, Mario, Peter, Vien. Row 3 (Vets): Felicia (BB25), Helen (BB15), Morgan (BB27), Vanessa (BB17). Row 4 (Vets): Brett (BB20), Derek X (BB23), Eric (BB8), Tucker (BB26).

According to my source, the newbies will be passed off as a product of Meow Meow Enterprises (in other words, Enzo will be scapegoated if anything goes wrong this season). In reality, Grodner and Meehan got way too invested in AI Fruit Love Island of all things and decided to conduct some lab experiments.

I'd do up bios for them, but as they were created by production themselves, anything that would go into their bios would be a fabrication. However, I would like to clarify that despite Tamara's name sounding more like "tangerine," she's actually a clementine-person.

As for the vets:

Keanu (27) and Cedric (26) weren't available because of The Challenge.

Tiffany (23) wasn't available because of Destination X.

Frankie (16) wasn’t available because of Broadway.

Quinn (26) wasn’t available because of 99 to Beat.

Angela (26) and Victor (18) are also in sequester as alternates.

The key wheel (I know I say that every year but I’m 100% positive this time!)

A singular survivor player ala BB25 (but only to host a comp)

Jankie

Food comps

Baby Zingbot

Jury Fury

The pressure cooker (the BB6 version)

That F4 chess comp from BB22

The Coup d’tat (but the holder HAS to be on the block after the blockbuster in order to use it)

About those prototypes…

The rumours are true about the theme having to do with eras, and returning players coming in for BB28. In fact, the general format is eight vets and eight newbies.

But there’s one small detail that none of the press releases have mentioned: The newbies are... Well, they're something.

I really don't know where they found these people. Then again, I'm not even sure if I can call them people because they're not, like... Human???

Well, they're half-human. They're human from the neck down, I'll say that much. Pretty sure they were built in a lab.

I'm dropping the cast tomorrow - you'll see what I mean then.

We used to use random stock photos for our fake cast leaks instead of AI slop people.