munsonssierra

i don’t feel like my looks are good enough. i’ve been more and more insecure about myself especially my face. i don’t get as much attention as other girls do for their looks, it’s only rare compliments from only a few friends. i feel so fucking ugly. nobody ever tells me i’m beautiful/pretty/whatever unless i say it first or if they’re just hyping me up on a video where nobody else will say it. sometimes i get so insecure about my face i feel disgusted by my own shadow and avoid mirrors. i want attention. i want attention for my looks. i want people to call me pretty and compliment me and stuff. i never fit in at school and i really think it’s because of the way i look. all my life every other girl has been so much more beautiful than me. as insecure as i am, i’m not THAT ugly but everyone acts like i’m invisible or am that ugly. maybe i’m just delusional and i’m not as okay looking as i think. i feel ugly. i’m ugly. if i post one of those stupid tiktok’s where i lip sync like other girls do i don’t get complements outside of a tiny amount friends who are probably just over exaggerating their words and only a few likes while prettier girls get so much more. i’m ugly even with makeup. something is wrong with my face or something. is the rest of me even as attractive as i thought? which isn’t even that much. i thought i was at least a little pretty, but apparently not with the way everyone treats me. i just want to be loved. i want people to think i’m beautiful. anyway sort of related topic but another vent!! i’m so lonely. i need attention so bad i am insanely deprived of love and positive attention as i have been my entire life. if i could tell my little self how i would be now, how much she would suffer as she aged i think she would kill herself. i wish i could get the strength to do it. i just want everything to stop, i want to be at peace. i don’t wanna keep suffering. i’ve been suicidal for 11 or 10 years, since i was 8 or 9, that’s when i remember my earliest suicidal thought. before i even hit double digits. i don’t know why i just won’t do it already. i’ve been self harming since i was 11 or 10, i’ve gotten something sharper and my scars are much more visible. i don’t know what to do. i’ve been on meds for mental health since i was like 12 or 11 and i still feel terrible. i want to die. i want to kill myself but i’m too scared of death. sometimes i contemplate writing a suicide note and telling people how i really feel about them, how much i like them or i hate them. i know i’d hurt so badly so many people but it’s too much to take. i don’t wanna keep doing this. i wanna die.

trindle drawing!