i'm a darlin'

What if you never want to marry me.

Or have kids.

How come I can promise you my love until the end of the earth and all you can tell me "maybe it will happen".

What if in 5 years, you leave me. And I have to find someone else and start all over.

I remember your laugh.

Sunshine on cloudy days.

It was the calming of my storms.

It was the peace treaty admits a war.

A war that dug into my skin.

Made a home in my bones.

Used my heart as a pillow to lay it's head after ripping apart fragments of myself

Biting it's teeth down on every and any muscle,

And on every nerve ending,

Sending poisonous gas to my brain.

Your laughter was my bomb shelter.

It wrapped me in warm wool blankets when I couldn't breathe.

Kept me safe and warm and fed,

Completely hidden from the cruelty of the world.

The cruelty of myself.

It took every invasive threat I told myself,

And made me want to live.

And when I asked if I stayed here in this heaven with you, if you could ever love me.

And it only took the sound of your laughter.

But you see,

Every storm that ends, happens somewhere else. And everyone that looks into the sky sees the same rainbow. Feels the sun on their skin.

You told me "I don't know."

I remember your laugh.

Sunshine on cloudy days.

It was the calming of my storms.

It was the peace treaty amidst a war.

A war that dug into my skin.

Made a home in my bones.

Used my heart as a pillow to lay it's head after ripping apart fragments of myself

Biting it's teeth down on every and any muscle,

on every nerve ending.

Sending poisonous gas to my brain.

Your laughter was my bomb shelter.

It wrapped me in warm, blankets when I couldn't breathe.

Kept me safe and warm and fed,

Completely hidden from the cruelty of the world.

The cruelty of myself.

It took every invasive thought I told myself,

And turned them into thoughts of sunflowers.

And it only took the sound of your laughter.

But you see,

Every storm that ends, another one has to happen.

And when I asked if I stayed here in this heaven with you, if you could ever love me.

You told me "I don't know."

Sit up and watch TV, snuggled in your arms.

And I was going to write a poem,

But I am exhausted.

You are nicotine after I just finished my second beer.

A "I shouldn't, but hold my drink".

A bad decision that will tell great stories later.

You.

You are a "I shouldn't" but I'm more than like going to do it anyway.

You.

You are me pressing the snooze button when I should get up for class.

A pull the covers over my head and ask if its worth it at all.

You are a "do it, or you'll never do it at all."

You.

You are not quite a regret, and not quite a mistake.

You.

I shouldn’t feel like I walked in on secrets. Like dirty words are spilling out of her mouth Her lips curling around your earlobes, Her voice so close to you it echoes into the tunnels of your mind. Each neurotransmitter sending her voice along with it, So close and so loud it could send shivers down your spine.

But yet, there she was. And nothing you can say could get the image out of my head of her in your bed.

And in a split second, the second she saw my figure approach, a second to late, she had shot up from her position and walked across the room.

The truth? I know she had you first. I know she saw your naked body, And touched your long luscious hair first. I know she has tasted the sweat on your shoulder from when she kissed it mid sex.

I know walking into that room, To her I was an intruder.

Imagine hanging out with him. Imagine the butterflies in your stomach. The conversations about bands and life goals. Imagine him telling you he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Imagine your heart stopping.

Imagine him crawling into your bed for months whenever he called because he was lonely. Imagine him begging for you to stay awake until he got home from the bar. Imagine you breaking yourself down every time. Imagine saying “I don’t want too” and him putting his hand down your shirt until you gave in and gave him what you wanted. Imagine him in your bed when the other guys you just so happen to be talking to is trying to text you. Imagine you always letting him in.

Imagine you meeting someone at work. He’s got long dark hair and piercing mysterious eyes. So dark you can’t see his pupils. Imagine the butterflies you felt every time you looked up at saw him. Imagine him stuttering when he talked to you. The blushing of his cheeks when you catch each others eyes. Imagine being in his bed. Heavy breathing, hands all over each other. Imagine falling in love.

And then out of nowhere, imagine the other guy texting you. Telling you he was wrong. Imagine telling him it’s to late for him to say the things you wanted to hear for so long.

And yet, imagine why it still hurts. Why you still listen to those stupid songs that make you think about him.

Imagine not wanting to leave your love. Imagine not wanting to crawl into bed with anyone else or wake up with anyone else but your love but still being hurt my someone else.

Imagine feeling like a shitty girlfriend.