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Sometimes i'm just so scared that i'll never ever find love. I'm 19 years old, there have been boys in my life, but it never got further than talking. Usually because i don't catch feelings or just wasn't ready at the time when they wanted something serious. I have never been kissed before and i'm waiting till marriage anyways since i'm religious, so i wouldnt expect that during a relationship anyways, but i just feel like i have never been in love and it makes me so sad. Even if guys talked to me, i know it was never like a deeper love between us. I have such high expectations for love and i just know that i'll be disappointed especially with my generation. I feel like something is missing in my life, because i never felt that kind of love and never got to experience that kinda thing. I don't think it's normal, but i also am too selfconscious to make the first step if i find someone cute. I'm going to be honest i also think looks are important, not more important than their personality obviously, but it still matters and the guys that did like me simply weren't up to my standards personality and looks wise.

I don't know if this is normal, but why have i never in my life been truly happy and content. Does every person feel this way? I don't remeber a day in my life where there hasnt been some kind of sadness, impending doom and anxiety. Like theres always so much weight on my heart and i can't take it. I just want to feel as if i belong somehwere, i don't want to feel lonely. I love my family and they are there for me, but i can't bring myself to show them my real self, my thoughts and feelings. As a matter of fact, no one knows me really. I have never had a romantic attachment to someone, yes obviously i've had crushes, but it never was anything deep. I never belonged to a friendgroup. My biggest dream since i was a little girl was having a group of girlfriends and we just live life to the fullest, but i never found it. I had my childhood bestfriend, but she decided she didn't want to be friends no more, so that's that. She was one of the few people that i really felt i had a deep friendship with. I still love her dearly, she was like the sister i never had, but i guess all good things come to an end. When i make new friends, i just have a hard time really showing them myself and loving them, i am a person that shows much affection, but in my heart it just feels performative and i do it, because i want my friends to like me. I struggle so freaking much with really caring for the people around me, because since i was a chilf i've been disappointed so many times, i just don't have the energy, because i'll probally be let down again. I know i'm not perfect, but i just feel so unseen, lonely and sad. I wish i could just be happy, without this weight on my heart, because i know that i have a good and lovely life and i appreciate that, but i just can't heal my feelings and it's hurting me so bad. I am working on improving my life and trying to be better at relationships, even though it is hard. Atleast God is with me and listens🧸