Scruffasus Art Blog

I never got a chance to recover from that. Instead I work 40 hours for a megacorp that overstimulated and exhausts me every day.... It doesn't fix the burnout...

I want to have energy to create. I want to have energy to do more than get more angry and more hurt... But being an artist means I can't get EI.... Having a patreon means I have no choice but to sell my soul to the next corporation to keep the lights on.

I live in perpetual burnout. There is no escape. I have lost what I needed to be able to create, it has been filed down along with every other edge. There's nothing left of me and it is so hard to will the shell to continue with the soul stripped out like this.

Important context: I have legally changed my name twice, my deadname is not a part of this equation.

Typically went by my middle name, got that from my step-dad's family so I deliberately put the name I wanted to use as my middle name. But I also wanted two middle names, so I put the one I use as the third name in the list so I could be extra obnoxious and make people put my full name on shit!!

For almost two years, the majority of the people in my meat-space life have come to just know me as "Scruff"

So we've been at the hospital for four and a half hours and I've gotten all 3 of my names from various people. They are trying SO HARD to get the right name for the visibly trans person.....

((omg that's why they keep going with the first middle name, they all think my first name is too femme...))

But when I say "most people just call me Scruff these days" they get weirdly uncomfortable.

Porter: "which is the right name?"

Me: "scruff..."

Porter: "okay but is it [first name] or [second name]"

"any of them... It's fine... You're doing fine..."

"okay but which one?"

"the First..."

"I've never heard [second name] before, it's really neat! Bye [second name]" ((I figured out writing this that it's probably because the second name is more masc, and that's how I present))

X-ray tech: "hi [shortened third name]"

The worst part is that I've become known for committing to the bit, and now I'm worried my boss thinks I went to the hospital to get out of coming to work because my knee doesn't hurt the way I think it should to justify being here...

My boss is off today and still asleep. My boss can't be thinking this because they don't know I'm not there.

"what was THAT?!"

My knee??? .... Oh...

...Was that my first mistake? Probably...

But, I am of the mind that a dog is a living, thinking creature I choose share my home with, so it is my responsibility to make sure they are able to safely navigate the fucked up things Humans have done to the planet so he can have a safe and happy life.

By this logic, dog needs to understand autonomy and consent or he's gonna be anxious about his own personal space, consider Small Dogs with zero autonomy who are anxious and snappy because they just get air-jailed rather than trained. Consent to be touched is not a human specific thing!! So I started early with the 'I'm gonna pet you, stop, then see if you come to me for more attention or not' trick of checking to see if your dog actually wants to be pet.

So by 6 months old I have managed to raise a dog who understands "I want that" vs "I don't want that" and TRUSTS I will listen to him telling me "I don't want that". Then I gave him talking buttons. Now he can want other things than being pet. Dad gets him a treat,, or at least my attention; Playtime gets him a toy; Water refills his dish; Outside gets him out in the yard. He only started with six.

He's had the buttons for three days.........