The Merc with a Smirk

“What do you call them then?” Matty waited as Wade took a step off, landing hard in the dumpster which made Matt step back just a touch from the sound. “Those are testicles you’re referring to, get it right there, Wilson.  I’d prefer you keep your testicles in your leather drawers.  You might actually need them one day.”

“I call ‘em Rosie and Lena...Oh, the paper projectiles? Yeah, just that. But back to the subject of my nuts. If I were throwing my rocky mountain oysters at you, it wouldn’t matter. There’s this cool deal with my healing factor where if my junk gets blown off, it grows back. That includes the whole package...I’ve had a couple people tell me it even grows back bigger.” He’s just a little too proud of that fact. “So anything Wolvie does his snikt thing to my groin-al region, he’s doing me a favor. I still think he’s secretly in love with me and just can’t admit it.”

“Well, astro is in the name, and…I am an astronaut,” okay so that pun was stupid as fuck, but that didn’t matter.  “We had some weird probey things to do to the little green men up there.  Shame, I didn’t see any, they could have kept me entertained,” then again, if he’d seen anyone up there besides him, he’d have probably shit a golden brick.  “I think I know how to jerk it off and get junior standing again, I’ve been off Mars for a while now ya know.”

“I would’ve gone with ass-tronaut, but to each their own.” He sidles up to the bar and takes the seat beside him, smirking ever so slightly with his glass raised. “If you say so, your worshipfulness, but I guaran-fuckin’-tee you that you’ve never tried some of the stuff I have. Like the modified stranger. That’s where you lay on your hand til it goes numb, but instead of using it to jack off, you use it for, uh, ‘stimulation’ and use your other hand to polish the banana.”

     He never thought he’d be such a… buzzkill.

“I’m keeping the DVDs.”

He knew the source of the paper balls the moment they fluttered into the vicinity.  The way they fluttered and disturbed the air made him know they weren’t large, therefore, he didn’t bother to deflect them away,  “I know you’re up there Wade, you’re not as quiet as you think.  The creak of that leather gives you away.  Stop throwing balls at me.”

“Those? Those aren’t balls.” He takes a step off the ledge and falls straight down into a dumpster, cursing loudly as he lands. “Motherfucker! That hurt worse than Bea Arthur’s death!” Climbing out, he limps for a few moments, then gives his leg a kick, causing a crack that rings out in the alley. At least the broken bone’s no longer an issue. “If I were throwing balls at you, they would’ve made a wet plop, then pop, when they hit.”

“That Mars Guy? The King of Mars doesn’t approve of your lack of respect,” He teases in his direction, before rolling his eyes, “If I had a quarter for every time someone asked me that…I’d probably have 50 cents…at the most….nah.  You’d be surprised how much lotion they sent up, and astroglide.  Shits slick, but hey…s’what it’s made for.  I didn’t jerk it as much as you’d think though, you know..impending death and starvation is kind of a doggie downer…”

“Wait, they sent Astroglide with you guys? What kinda freaky experiments were you guys doing, and where do I sign up?” As long as they gave him a spacesuit. Last time he’d been threatened with getting put somewhere off-planet, it was by Tony Stark himself, and he was pretty sure being able to breathe wasn’t part of that package. “Well, you know the easiest way to get your little soldier standing at attention, right? Rosie’s five sisters aren’t just for the five knuckle shuffle, pal, especially not when you’ve got lube on hand.”

“Is that a come on, because….c’mon man, you’ll have to do better than that!”

“How about this one: My batteries are dead, can I borrow your dick?”

Bonus points if you include a topic. ( IE. shipping, roleplaying, ect. )

     “All ‘the Pool’ ever did for me was give a half-hearted attempt      at making up for kicking my ass twelve hours ago. Wouldn’t      really call it a favor. And don’t call me Robucky.”

“Let’s talk about sex, baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be!”

     “Pancakes, huh? I might forgive ya.”

“And for ze gentleman, ze cakes of ze pan, and ze syrup le maple. Enjoy, Robucky, and don’t say the ‘Pool never did anything for ya.”