unfollow dangit

I mean, I was honestly excited to do stuff here in the blogs- to actually RP and do silly anon magics and reply to asks and doodle things and talk to people and learn about other's characters I'd been snowballing since the beginning of the school semester, but I think I just fell off a fucking cliff come mid-February.

I was so so so excited to do a thing I was... planning to do a comic for Cor's birthday. A couple pages- three, maybe four, with a lot of effort going into it It would've been about how she spent her birthday on the 16th- I even did a post to lead up to it- and cancelled all RP plans until I finished it and had it posted. But then I just... I cracked? It was going to involve another OC that trust me if you know me you know who I'm talking about, but then I think I just reached a fucking meltdown point. I had been so excited for it, I swear. I had sketched all over my notebooks- panels, ideas, the outfits, the setting, the layout, all of it. I had it planned so well, even what would happen after, and I just. I had a fit- I lashed out at someone who was just trying to support me on it, and even said they would be sad seeing me drop something I had been so excited over. I'm sure I talked their ear off about it the whole time I planned, but... I dunno. I just cracked. And it wasn't really over the process of doing the comic or 'stress' of making it, but still I threw everything off the table and just said no and didn't do it and let all my planning go to waste

So I guess after that I just. Lost all muse whatsoever to continue with her plot. I'd stopped trying to RP to get the comic done, but I couldn't bring myself to continue trying to RP again.  I had made PP an AU because I had things planned for this blog, to continue her plot and go through events that would radically change her, reason being why I made PP an AU. So I could still freely RP her current attitude without problem and do silly fun things without worrying about how OOC it would be for her to be in the island. I was thinking of just keeping PP on the side for silly things and doing everything serious to her character development I'd been intending to do for a very, very long time....  But wow. Look at where that got me. I'm in the PP chat half of the day without even RPing at all, and doing absolutely nothing here except maybe post a lazy drawing and reblog something stupid. I'm so fucking frustrated.

And I just. I dunno. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to want to do things, but I'm just stuck wishing things would move and everything's frozen and my plan's gone to shit and I hate my character and I hate where things have gone and I hate that I'm sitting here day in and day out doing nothing and wishing I was doing something but still not doing a thing at all to reach that goal. I'm just. So angry at myself and others. Mostly myself though. I kinda dug this hole myself and dragged others thin, then got pissed at them when they didn't know how to pull us both out and got out on their own.