A trans girl i knew killed herself the other day. I didn't know her well, only met her the one night, but we spoke a fair bit throughout. She was lovely. I have her on discord. Had her.
She was nice to me, engaged me in conversation when other people didn't. I feel a bit guilty because I basically ditched her at the end of the night. She was too tired to continue the night and so decided to stay and sleep on the couch, and I hadn't received an explicit invite with everyone else, but I tagged along with them nonetheless when I'm sure I could have just hung out with her for a bit instead. I hope she wasn't hurt by that, or by me.
When my friend found out what happened, we were both out in town with our group of friends. She wouldn't tell me what had happened for a while, but she hugged me tight and begged me not to leave. And I knew what she meant. I couldn't stop crying. I don't mean to scare anyone, I really don't. But things have been difficult. And things have been difficult between us for a while now because of my increasingly worse mental health making simply being around me extremely unpleasant for all involved. It means a lot to know that she cares though.
I was upset when she told me and I understood what was going on. It hurts losing one of us. Especially one of us who seemed so genuinely kind, even to those she didn't know. And I feel no right to mourn her. I didn't know her. I know people who knew her. But she lived in a city I've never even been to. We only met through a mutual friend on a night out. But I still feel sad.
I've been having a tough few weeks. A friend of mine has been extremely kind to me and has allowed me to stay with her for the last week. She knows what things have been like for me and has been nothing but kind to me through it all. Most people lose patience with me vert quickly. But we've been there for each other and she has been kind to me in a way that I dont think anyone has been before. She is keeping hold of my box of drugs because we both agree i cannot be trusted with them at the moment, and she has managed to talk me into requesting some sort of mood stabiliser from my doctor.
I'm on my way home now, as she and the friend who gave me the news the other day are going to a festival together. I am going to try and stomach the time on my own. I'm having a movie and boardgames night with another friend on tuesday, which will be nice. He's very nice to me. We've been good friends for nearly a year now. We like a lot of the same type of music so we go to gigs and festivals together quite a lot.
So it's been a difficult few days, and I feel extremely dysphoric still. But I'm going home feeling loved.
