Trying to Make It One Day at a Time

that everyone is probably always on the verge of tears; on the verge of just completely breaking down, becoming unhinged; but the only thing that is keeping them composed is the desire to appear “normal”.

Same thing every time at this time of the year.

just so I can eat dinner with you.

tobethinonymous.tumblr.com turned 4 today (March 15)!

I know I’m late, but I just found this email in my inbox.  I’ve had a Tumblr blog for 4 years.  I made the blog just a few days after my 24th birthday.

I remember my 24th birthday.  I remember being depressed about it.  I remember writing a brief rant about it that I still have saved on my computer somewhere.  Til this day, I’m still not sure what triggered it, but at that time, I felt like I needed a place to vent, so I turned to Tumblr.

Tumblr has been my safe place for the past 4 years to write about anything and everything that I feel and think that I am often too afraid to share with anyone in real life.  For this reason, it has been a blessing and a curse.

I have written about some of the most shitty things I have ever done in my life, and this blog also stands as a time capsule for some of the darkest times in my life, and perhaps also some of the best.

Tumblr has been my best kept secret.  I can honestly say that I have never told a single person in real life that I have a Tumblr blog.

In a weird way, I hope Tumblr sticks around for a long time.  At some point in my life, I may abandon using Tumblr all together, but when I’m 70, I think it would be nice to be able to type in this URL and relive all of the things in my 20s that I’m sure I would forget about by the time I’m 70.

The added caffeine from this morning isn't fucking helping.

I'm yearning for things and people I have no control over.

I can't concentrate on work.

I'm back into the time-sucking machine that is Tumblr (you all know it's true).  I scroll through my dashboard for hours at a time without realizing.

I'm getting that feeling again where I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and just want to become someone else.

But hey, I think I'm getting skinnier.

I think.

Gonna stick this out for a little while longer to see how things go.

But I know it's not right, so I need to stay away.

But there have been many times lately where I'd pick up my phone and check to see if you had texted me.

But of course you haven't.  Why would you?

I cut you out of my life 8 months ago, for what I believed (and still believe) to be best for the both of us.

But I miss the physical intimacy.  The close contact.  The warmth of your body.  The touch of your lips against my skin.  The softness of your hair.  The way your eyes look at me when our faces are inches apart.

And I'm starting to forget what those sensations feel like.  I don't want to forget, but it's hard to remember after 8 months of no contact.

You've erased your online presence completely so I can't even tell how you're doing.

I just Google your name every once in a while to make sure you're not dead.

I think I'm relapsing into everything that was wrong with me when I was with you last year.

But this too shall pass.

It always does.

I just need to look forward to the next "happy" phase of my life, which is happening soon.

I'm moving to another state soon, and I've been debating back and forth whether I should try to see you before I leave.

But better not.

Your name is unconventional!