is typing...

andy is obsessed with me. nolan is pretty quiet lately. i fear im losing my sense of reality with more observations of society

im so mean. like look at my last post. we texted a lot the next three weeks after we broke up, and last sunday we met up in person and he just explained in 15 minutes why he was apologetic and we talked about what happened. fast forward to tuesday, we’re fucking. friends with benefits. 2 rounds tuesday, 2 rounds wednesday, 1 round today, thursday. he told me multiple times, “just fucking.” (like when i tried to lay on his stomach or kiss between rounds)! I know his little ass is getting feelings already, and I explicitly said when we started, “NO FEELINGS”, which I had done throughout our relationship anyways (selfishly), so keep doing you!!!! that’ll be so fun and messy. good luck hun you don’t need a bf trust me you’re not in a good place rn ... not in the RIGHT place!

btw the other day when he texted me it was after he found that planted note in his sweatpants. I am a terrifying genius like that. Imagine my surprise when he’s begging for what we had back!!! Honestly idk if it was the episode of gossip girl I just watched but I know if he wasn’t a little virgin and I knew it wasn’t going to ruin his life I’d say so much shit to his face about how he was a pussy and a toxic boyfriend and how his insecurities probably stemmed from his masculine ass friends! But I know it’d literally take his life straight out of his body so I’ll let it rest :) keep up that angel facade on the wm end.. while I get demonized in the marsh ! drew said I had two strikes already and warned me about the third. Of course after he said it he immediately took it back because he can read my facial expressions like no other but what he said was true and I can’t fuck this up. i already messed up so bad the first and second time lol! I know I need distance and space so I can do what I need to before dating him but I don’t want to shut him down at all because I do like him so very much. he’s such a puppy and I know he’s been waiting for me for so long and I don’t want to be selfish and take more time for myself but I know it’s the right thing to do. I can’t act irrationally again, I have to get it all out of my system ! It’s also 4 am and I need to learn how to sleep without ouid

it went really bad. I picked Andy up and he just started yelling at me. He left everything out about Zack’s so he didn’t look like a bad person. He told me I clearly didn’t care for him as much as he cared for me (true) and that I disrespect and invalidate him. Because of a DM to tre Wright and Nate weaver. He said I had no consideration whatsoever for his feelings and that I liked the attention and wanted it. It was so weird. It came out of no where and it was fucking mean as shit!!! He wanted to give it another try too but said I was too stubborn to admit that I’m wrong or change my ways or even apologize. He demonized me and completely changed the narrative about what happened and will ruin my name in the future. Andy you’re a terrible person with insecurities and issues that I will not comprehend. Oh great you’re fucking texting me.

Started my prescription today, didn’t really feel any different. Just waiting for it to kick in. Hung out with andy. Things are getting really bad between my dad and I. Let’s see how this plays out lol

Went to the mall with andy today and could not find anything I liked. Saddening. Thinking about Nolan still. Is it weird that I’m not that sad about him to getting over me? Maybe I’ll stop thinking about him one day too (I hope not)

feeling shit because nolan unfollowed the bunny + puppy playlist. that sucks. um. anyways painted pumpkins with andy then got high with alex after. andy took a hit and got a little high. had a terrible shoprite experience. goodnight

hi diary I went over to Andy’s today and finished my 10 page paper but an awful thing happened. Andy’s mom and brother were talking shit about his film and he overheard and got really upset. After his class was over he confronted his family and they DENIED it, despite me being there for the entire time. His dad said matt was just asking about the other kids video and I nodded bc it was true which was essentially my downfall. Andy closed the door and laid down and I went to put my hand on his leg which he shoved off so hard. I was shocked. He saw that immediately and was apologizing. I had to go into his bathroom and bawled and texted Alex, washed my face and went back inside. I forgave him. Idk what I’m doing. Then we saw corbs and Alex and I smoked up

when I look at my photo album of nolan, I don’t have enough memories of him. I wish I recorded every minute of him

It’s so hard for me to sleep at night. I think about Nolan and the spring

Andy told me he loved me today. In the car. So casually. I didn’t say it back and he understood. Might have COVID!

I’m just saying, Nolan better blow you away when you get back together with him. I didn’t mean to take such an L with Andy. This better be worth it lol

Woke up. Didn’t have class. Didnt eat at all. Went to get Sammi after taking a sweaty nap and took her to dunkin then hung out with her at her house. After I headed to Jimmy geez and Andy and I went to acme. I broke up with him. He kept telling me how much he wanted it to work with sucked even more. In the end we hung out from 10-1 am just talking. I cried about my grades and he got teary about everything. It made me really doubt everything that was happening. He’s always so sweet to me and wants the best for me and he says I’m inspiring and sweet and never ever tells me that I’m not pretty. I really owe him so much. also he’s hot

Today I went to the city with Alex Andy pods Corbin and Danny woodpebis. It was tense, I was mad at Andy so hard at the resutrant we ate at but I got to have wine and was tipsy by the time we left. We went to Bryant park then the vessel and it turned out to be a really good time. Got a cute ring and expensive sunnies. I guess I’m breaking up with Andy tonight. I had a mental breakdown about orgo today and hopefully can drop it this semester. Jesus

Andy and i fought Thursday-Saturday and he mentioned going on a break and I said maybe. We were fighting bc he said he would come to Curlys and when I said “if you want” he thought I didn’t want him to come. So it’s really bad miscommunication really, I guess I don’t expect much from him so I’m really passive about what he does, but duh I wanted to see him. Whatever. Decided to wait it out. Also he was mad that I went to zach’s house. Also I talked to Nolan a lot.

today I had lab then rushed to get my hair done by Erin for the first time, which took soo long but came out great. When I was leaving the salon I tried to FaceTime Andy, but when he didn’t answer, I got mad and I didn’t pick up my phone when he called me four times after. I was really hangry and couldn’t stop for beforehand, and Andy offered to come bring me some then déclinéd and declined bringing me some. So we’re fighting. And I’m worried, because we’re going to meet in person tomorrow. And I’m an awful person bc all I wanted to do when I got home from work was talk to Nolan. get a grip Michelle your relationship is failing and you don’t even care I am so terrible