Tj The Tough Bitch

Hey y’all. I haven’t been on here recently, I’ve been very very sick. I had something that happened to me the other day that really really made me take very long and hard on whether I wanted to stay on Facebook or not. The gentleman I use that term loosely, I asked to be my friend so I can’t look like a serial killer so I thought what the heck. He asked me what was going on how I was how I was with my life and I was honest with them I said that I am very seriously ill, and that I have major health issues going on. He proceeded to put a profanity laced message on instant messenger saying that he hopes I die sooner and that he’s not my fucking doctor and, just horrible terrible things! I didn’t answer because I didn’t give him the satisfaction of doing it if he feels the need to cuss out a 52 year-old woman that’s dying, then I guess more power to you scum bag! I mean, I guess that he just can’t handle a woman standing up to him, because I did Post something on Facebook about him being a shithead for treating me so horribly so I guess it’s a lesson learned, if you want to be friends with someone on Facebook, make sure you get your shit straight because they will come down on you and say the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard. And honestly I feel sorry for the dude, I can guarantee you he’s not married and his hands are probably callused from jacking off so much because there’s no way he’s getting any especially if that’s the way he treats a woman he doesn’t even know on Facebook. Good friends, and I wouldn’t tell you that I hope you don’t die soon, I hope you’re around for a long long time so you can wallow in your misery!

Our day with granddaughter Libby, & nephew Aiden. Only 1 meltdown,so all & all, I’d say a pretty good day!!🥰🌚🦋☮️⭐️🌌

Sorry I haven’t been on here much, for those of you and I was very very sick and in the span of three hours will be two weeks ago Saturday I went from perfectly fine to running a fever of 103 and then so much neck and head pain than I thought I was going to die. Come to find out I was very very septic. had infection from my line, so they had to pull my wine try to put in a temporary one, which I might add is a real pain in the butt to use right now, but I making do with what I got. My community care nurse was here today and he is very concerned about me. Not just physically, but psychologically as well. I shared with him my decision that I made when they were transferring me from table,( screaming the entire time) om one table to another in the C-Spa to remove my line and he said he had 2 things to sign they said said one of them was to consent to the procedure, the second one was to resend my DNR for the time of the procedure. For those of you that don’t understand what that means, I am a DNR which means if they find me in cardiac arrest I do not want anyone pound on my chest , or putting a breathing tube in me. said are you sure and I said Dr., I’ve been going through this for over 11 years now I’m tired, and I just can’t do anymore, I just can’t. So now, my community care nurse now knows my wishes as well as scaring the hell out of him, but I just can’t do it anymore. I have a daughter that never wants to speak to me again, my son that’s moved to Wausau, for his job. I’m so proud of him,& his ladyfriend have bought a house, both work their asses off , & you can’t argue that a 28 year old has worked so hard, to be a Maitenance supervisor for Penske, supervising 28 mechanics. I’m just so tired, I just so much wor for somebody just put their arm around me,and watch the game, or a movie or something, just somebody to care about me. I don’t think that’s going to happen,that died with Gene. Karma’s is a real bitch, but, what goes around, comes around. And, she’s going after me 10-fold. Yea, I know I’m whining, just too tired,too tired.

#ourflowersthisyear

Well, tomorrow’s going to be an interesting day. I am being admitted to the hospital to have an upper G.I. series. My pain in my abdomen has increased at least 10 folders, I am so bloated I am just absolutely miserable!! This all started about a month ago, I was doing well I was trying to get up some of my meds that I’m on, and then just for one day @ of the blue snap something happened! There’s no rhyme or reason as to when or how it hurts, or what I can do to help it, nothing! I saw my new gastroenterologist week, and he was looking over my nine bazillion page chart, he was wondering when the last time my upper G.I. series was done. Come to find out which, it was last one was done in 2015! So, he won hundred percent agree with my caramel practitioner that I moved to start with another upper G.I. series, to see what I can find. I know this is gonna sound totally whacked, but I hope to God they do find something at least then I would have some answers! My biggest fear, as I’m going here well everything looks normal, for you so we don’t know what’s causing the pain. I’m wondering if it has anything to do with my congestive heart failure, and or my gastroparesis which is probably the number one culprit, or my COPD. I sat and watched my husband die from COPD and complications I have never been so terrified in my entire life, asthma and my pulmonologist told me that I do have COPD. Just the thoughts of how that man suffers it was just horrific. If y’all can, we have any positive direction you want to send my direction, I have a greatly appreciate it. Peace!

Been a few days since I’ve been on here, a lot of things have been going on. As everybody knows, the tragedies in El Paso and in Dayton Ohio have been on everyone’s thoughts how can they not be? I feel like there is going to be a full on race war, if we do not start trying to get the man that’s living in that house in Washington DC the hell out of it! He keeps saying he had nothing to do with it, His racist rhetoric was not the cause of this. Really? When you were in the panhandle of Florida sir and and one of your supporters yelled out to your question what are we gonna do about all these people and someone replied shoot them, you stood there and laughed as they chanted that over and over and over again! What the hell is wrong with you?? Do we have an immigration problem yes do we need to protect our borders, absolutely. But, doing it by having someone buying a gun driving 600 miles from their home to “shoot every Mexican they can find“ is not going to help! I’ve had a couple of people tell me that we’re allowing all these babies to be killed every single day by abortion, that our our country is being also run by rapist and murderer‘s “thank you Mr. dump“ this country was founded by immigrants! Does anybody remember that?? When I hear Caucasian people say” well it’s our country we were here first“ makes me want to bitch slap them so hard to have their head spin around backwards! Only true Americans are full blooded native Americans, the ones that were here first before we took their land, killed off their families, put them on reservations, and now are sitting there laughing their asses off at us they make millions and millions of dollars every year by our white asses going in their casinos and spending our money! How fucking stupid are you people?? I guess it’s going to take some kind of a huge massacre of very rich white people to get anything done we’ve got a good old Mitch McConnell up there Mr. No Chin , running his mouth about everything that he has no fucking clue what he’s talking about, and then that dude that lives in that white house over there that seems to think that nothing that he says has any kind of consequence at all, it’s going to take people like that getting hurt or God for bid something worse to get something done I’m afraid . It scares the hell out of me, But I think that’s what it’s gonna take. By the way if you’re going to try to wrap yourself in the Second Amendment go for it, I am not telling you can’t keep your guys. What I am saying is that people that go out and buy assault rifles have issues you can’t kill a deer with an assault rifle you’ll make it hamburger if you shoot a deer with an assault rifle. Oh hell I don’t now I’m just shooting my mouth off, it’s not going to help until people change their rhetoric & learn that , until we get some REAL, POSITIVE CHANGE, it’s going to keep happening.

It’s a glorious morning in Wisconsin. It’s also a horrendous, horrific, painful day in Wisconsin. In less than 24 hours, 29 people no I take that back 31 people have now lost their lives to mass shooter in gun violence. I cannot wrap my brain around what the hell is going on in this country! And then the biggest racist in the United States,who happens to live in the White House, had the audacity to go on national television and saying there’s no room for hate or racism in this country! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! When the dump was in the panhandle of Florida he was saying what do we need to do about all these Mexicans trying to get over the border and some bitch in the audience yelled shoot them, then the audience started chanting shoot shoot them shoot them shoot them, all the dump did was sit there and laugh and shake his head and say only in the panhandle! Can you believe the person that is supposed to be running the most diverse country in the world has the balls to say something like that after he has going on many, many tirades on Twitter about Mexicans being rapists and murderers and then he says things about African-Americans especially now his new target is the city of Baltimore!!We are going to be, no, let me rephrase that we already are in the middle of a race war!! I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m telling you right now I’m terrified I don’t know what in the hell to do anymore! Are we supposed to start wearing body armor to go to Walmart? Are we supposed to require everyone carry a gun so if there’s an active shooter to be able to defend ourselves? I don’t know man, but this shit is fucked up!

It’s such a beautiful morning. Went to another doctors appointment yesterday, with my primary care provider, he is concerned that there has been some kind of a change in my condition. No shit? I was doing fairly OK, and now I’m absolutely miserable! I do not know what is wrong! The pain has increased tenfold in my abdomen, I have not done anything different, try to eat anything different, try to drink anything different, so there is no logical explanation as to why this pain is so bad!! And on top of that, when mom went out with DF and met their friends out for drinks the other night mom had like three drinks and completely lost it, started bawling her head off because she is sitting here watching her daughter die! She said it’s even worse than when my dad committed suicide! I am in a real catch 22, I don’t know if I should be here anymore, because I do not want to be responsible for killing my mother. But, I do not fall under state guidelines in need of nursing home care, 24 seven is what I mean. So I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen now. She has made it seem like she’s putting the stiff upper lip, but I feel like I’m killing my mother, my daughter always said that she would never put me in a nursing home, well now the little bitch won’t even speak to me, because of some kind of bullshit but I still don’t get that happened over 20 years ago!! What it boils down to is her wife wanting her to be there 24 seven for her and no one else. From what I understand she is not only blocked or not spoken to my mom my self,Her father, her other grandma, and her brother! So, not only are we all confused, she is keeping our granddaughter away from all of us! Like being around us is going to do something bad for Libby! We are all so fucked up we don’t understand what the hell is going on, I’ve been in contact with her father on several occasions, he doesn’t understand it anymore than I do, so I guess, until she gets her fucking head out of her ass, we’re all just going to have to suffer. I just hope to god she doesn’t keep up with this bullshit until I’m so sick that she’ll use that as an excuse for Libby not to see me. I was told by a dear friend just let it go she’s not worth the suffering that she’s putting us through, she’s an adult she knows what she’s doing, and she’s doing it on purpose. So, I bought myself a necklace that’s just looks like a bar but when you slide it open and it says let it go. So that’s what I have to do for right now, just let it go. Peace out.

I don’t know why, for some reason, people seem to feel the need to point out everyone else’s differences? Why is it that you can walk down the street and have someone criticize the way you dress, walk, speak, or even what nationality you are? What gives them the right? I am very seriously ill but from the outside I don’t look sick. I have a double-lumen catheter in my chest that is the only way I can be fed, but I don’t have it hanging out all the time, so no one would actually know just by looking at me that I am seriously ill. I was told over 10 years ago I would not live two more years. I have to fight, and fight, and fight to keep myself alive mostly because of my kids. But now, my daughter, Natalie Starr, has decided that after over 20 years she’s no longer wanting to be in my life. I don’t know what to do to fix this. I guess, like I was told, by a dear dear friend I have to let her go. But, my granddaughter, Libby Starr, is also suffering because of this. Natalie‘s wife, Heather Starr, is also supposedly very ill.But we don’t know because they won’t talk to us. I don’t, I can’t take anymore! It hurts too much! And the main reason I’ve been fighting so hard is to spend time with my kids, a lot of which was taken away from me by their father. They have no idea of what that man did to my psyche, and I’m not going to sit here and bash him for something that happened so many years ago. But, goddamnit, I want time! I need time, but my condition is deteriorating and I don’t know how much more time I’m going to have left.

I’ve been up since quarter till three this morning throwing up again. My condition is progressing,I don’t know why, seems to be getting worse. My nurse on Monday called my doctor with an update to inform him of the pain issues and the vomiting that I am having, I didn’t really want her to but it needed to be charted so she did.I don’t know what or if anything can be done to help me it seems like I am asking for more pain medication, which I do not want! But, I can’t stand this!! I keep remembering the time when I was laying in the bathroom floor curled up in a little ball and a pillow and a blanket just waiting to throw up again. God I don’t want to go back to that again! So, I don’t know what’s going to happen. My daughter, Natalie is still is not talking to me. I’ve reached out to her several times she’s completely ignored my request to talk. Like I said before she got what she wanted and she doesn’t need me anymore. I’m sure she’s talking to her dad and Kathy and everybody else. The thing that pisses me off the most is how she is hurting my mother! My mother has stood beside her and helped her through I don’t know how many issues, and now Natalie has turned her back on her too. I don’t know it’s because I am staying here, or if she’s just being that much of a fucking bitch!?! I’m just tired so so tired. I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to just go to sleep and pray not to wake up. This pain is so all and consuming, I don’t know what to do.