Gonzo to the Max

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If you were anyone else you’d use me up and make it obvious. If you were anyone else I would’ve been able to let you go easily. 

Find a replacement, placeholder suitable to do all the things you never did, just good enough to pass the time with just like what you’ve done to me, made me into a decoy, dummy. 

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Just friends. We’re just just friends and not that good of friends at that. Forget about you, all about what we’ve been through. I don’t want to think about all the reasons why you’re not the right one. You’ve never been right and you know it. Your eyes lie to me and your words say just enough like a lawyer, a defense attorney. You’ve got infinite excuses for why this isn’t what you want, why I’ll never quite good enough, quite enough. 

Your lips lie to me. You kiss me. That’s as far as we’ll get, you’re willing to go. No effort.

Your presence is not needed here. I was doing just fine without. Get gone. The lies have turned on you. I’ve got to get you out of here now. 

Everything you said yesterday will be washed away - you are the waves upon the sand. 

Just leave now. I want you to hurt like you’ve hurt me incessantly for the past four years. What is my love worth to you - nothing from the looks of it. You keep hanging on - thinking we were getting into something, getting the hang of this relationship thing. 

I’ve got to deal with the same old feelings. 

I could be excited and love you like you love me back but you loving me is just all in my head. You haven’t said it, that’s the only thing I’m sure of - the inevitable fall out once again for wanting someone who is unattainable. 

I was right, I was correct back then. What is this for? All of this love and endless devotion to a man as uncontrollable as the wind. 

You leave me empty when you leave me. You leave me without a hope, without a prayer. You’ll always just leave again. 

I held you tightly and look you in the eyes, searching for some truth, some love in you. You’ve managed to trap a fool in your web, a lovesick hopeless romantic. Too easy of a target. Been disappointed by expectations 

Daydreaming about futures that could never happen, not even if there was a rip in the space time continuum. 

I’d let you know but its all too heavy for your airhead, you’re lost in space. 

I could love the ride we’re on without really being anyone to you - the same old one you got too used to. 

I’m needing much more than you could ever try to give, I need promises unbroken, words plainly spoken. No more of your questions as an answer to my questions. 

Sometimes this looks like its meant to be - you’re fighting again with expectations of you - falling into routine - we’re both lost and just young enough without any real direction to settle. 

This could go any which way but suburbia, two car garage and kids playing on the lawn. 

Its you and me or its you and you alone and me just getting along. You and me were never a recipe for a lifelong love but a disaster in slowmotion, a stain, a memory we would never be able to get rid of. 

I cannot picture myself old and greying. I cannot picture any semblance of a future.  You still happen to live the way you’ve always lived. 

When I’m alone and you freeze me out I wish you’d just leave, pack your bags, move out of this state that you’ve grown to hate. If you’re going to leave you should just get on with it. If you want to take me with you you should say it. If you need me around, if you want me around you should say it. 

I’m done saying it. I won’t say a word. I won’t plan, just observe. This is what you get now, this is what you deserve. 

I need to freeze you out, leave you out. 

I tried to be perfect long ago - it was easier then, rode the high for a mile or so, maybe a year or so. I didn’t know any better. I played dumb and got through that level of hell better. 

Now I’ve got you, I know now for sure. I’ve got you but whether you are good for me or bad for me - I guess I’ll know when time tells me- don’t really know which way it’ll go. 

I’m braindead. My body aches. Whether I’m here or not, whether you’re here or not, everyday is the same. 

You make me laugh, absolve my blame and guilt for the revolving door of the thoughts of my actions, my choices long gone that still plague me. I guess that’s all I really wanted. 

I’m no Susie High School, I’m not the same girl I was. Nothing excites me like it once did. And waking up every morning in the same bed, with the same walls closing in on me is a fate worse than death. 

I thought you were the cure. You are only a band-aid and a reluctant one at that. 

My eyes are barely open my head is in the clouds. I’ve got nowhere to turn but inward, always inward. 

My words don’t make a dent. 

I’ve got to find some meaning or I’m gonna die this way. Die empty. Don’t really have anything to say, this malaise has taken a hold of me - barely feel my heart beating. 

You kept saying it all night. 

I guess I could’ve been the brave one that I usual am - the one who says it all the time. 

I could’ve right then but I didn’t. 

I could’ve said it a couple of times but I didn’t. 

I don’t want to ruin it, what we have, what we have going on. It’s too good to muddy up with words spoken as if promised. 

If I hold out long enough you’re bound to say what I’ve been yearning to hear. 

Maybe not, maybe I’ll be the one as usual. 

You’ve been surprising me lately with all of your love. 

You’ve been healing me surprisingly. I’ll just  wait until I can’t wait anymore. Until either one of us can take it anymore. 

I’ve taken the steps away, walking ever so slowly for some reason waiting till the very last moment to take the final step seriously. 

A habit of seeing if anything will happen to surprise me - not this time. Holding out for nothing. 

So quiet. I know my fate is approaching. I knew it the last time too. 

These artists, singers etc are becoming more experimental with what typical R&B can sound like. These songs are not radio friendly “bangers” or “bops”. These are elongated monologues or repetitive phrases used to describe the state of the world around them or the state of their lives. 

Every word that flows so freely from your lips an incantation that never fails to cure any one of my numerous maladies. 

Whenever the cynicism starts to intrude on my mind, on my peace you are there without warning or heeding with the words to sustain me. 

I’ll be indebted to you, forever striving to give that kind of feeling back to you. 

You are the glimmer of sunlight streaming through my dreary blinds. 

You’ve filled me up every moment I see you, the moment you touch me, reach for me. I melt in your arms- do you feel it? I cannot even comprehend trying to conceal this. 

Your words instill in me a hope I’ve never encountered before, a sense of contentment that has always been hidden from me, unattainable for me. 

I want to do the same for you. Make you feel my sweet love, my belief that this will never end. I will give you all of me and everything you need, be everything you need, what you want. 

Your words are one of my favorite things about you, your phrasing, your thoughts, your attitude toward living. 

Back then I was sure you changed my DNA, I couldn’t fathom just how much. Every moment we spend, we share I delve in deeper into you. I have your fingerprint, your heartbeat all over me and inside of me, your blood and your love. 

It will be a shrine devoted to your existence, your place taken up in my mind and heart, body and soul. 

There will be a time listed in my obituary that will read before him, during and after him. 

The during and the after will be by far my best work, I am convinced. 

There are moments when we message back and forth little things, not poetically inclined in the least bit, but they are in my mind. 

Our memories most of all have become fodder for romance novels and ballads in my mind. And I have written them all a thousand times. 

I have fallen for you so much so that no one else will ever do, nothing else will ever come close. 

There will be no ending for us. I have forsaken all of my doubt. I’ve complete trust in us now. Now I know for sure, definitely and completely my youth no longer has a hold on me. 

I see through the obstacles and I can see a clear path for both of us. 

I won’t reach out to bother you with my useless words of needs and wants and wishes. 

I’ll reach inside instead, find a reason to keep holding on even though its a disaster, a catastrophe of emotional proportions in my head. 

I was wrong, my predictions happened to be wrong. 

You actually came through right when I needed you. It was a surprise but then again so were you. 

I happen to love everything about you. And it is my dream to become someone you could say the same about. Wouldn’t it be absolutely crazy if this actually worked out? 

I’ve given up on all my preconceived notions of what a loving relationship is supposed to be in favor of whatever it is you and I share. 

I will hold on to this dream for as long as I can in real time, no rings, no papers from city hall, no vows. 

Just the way you look at me in the morning with your bright shiny blue eyes and smile, just the way you say my name, the way you hold me. 

All of it is to blame for changing my mind about everything, somehow you make the boredom of living, the droll moments when I’m not with you worth it. 

You make me feel like its the dead of Autumn or maybe the dog days of Summer. With that autumn air whistling and leaves rustling and falling or the summer rain coming down, maybe its a storm or just a drizzle- it’s 1995 the Spin Doctors are playing on the radio. You’ve got a guitar cradled in your lap and a joint hanging from your lips. 

Those blue eyes light me up and that attitude keeps me up all night.