The Unquiet Mind

While I was browsing my Instagram story feed, I chanced upon a post about five things that dying people regret through Kim, who is my high school best friend. I already skipped it and was watching someone else’s story but I couldn’t get my mind off it so I went to Kim’s profile to rewatch her story and read the whole post. One of the five regrets is about not being able to rekindle old connections with friends and while I was browsing my Facebook timeline (wow, I spend too much time on social media), I saw a photo posted by one of my old high school friends. We never got to keep in touch anymore. There were some interactions here and there but none lasted. I was hesitant to comment on his photo because people might think, “who is this girl?”; or worse, the person might think I’m being an epal or attention seeker. But because of what I read on Instagram, I did it anyway. I commented “stay safe!” not expecting a comment back or a like. Needless to say, the person did comment back and for a brief moment, it felt like a tiny victory for me because that’s one less thing to regret when I’m about to die. Since that instance, I went on with sending compliments to other people I used to watch from the backstage and actually said thanks to someone who shared her promo code for a skin care device I wanted to buy. You would think these are only simple things but more often than not it’s the simple things that matter the most. 

Excuse the text in the photo. This was grabbed from my Instagram stories from months ago. 

On my first few days living alone for the first time in my dorm, I remember getting overwhelmed by the feeling of being independent on my own. Sometimes I would catch myself crying at night because I miss my family. Whenever my dad would randomly call me to check up on me, I would fight back the tears because even if I stay miles away from our house, I still feel like a kid who would always need her daddy. Eventually, I got comfortable with the idea of living alone. I gained the sense of responsibility. I would make sure my room is clean and my trashes are taken out. I became mindful of a lot of things like my electricity and other expenses. I loved my dorm because it was big enough for me to move around and at the same time have people over. I loved it because it became a home from being a dorm. That space seen it all. My late night studying. My breakdowns in between. The good laughs and stories. Even the worst days of my life. It became my shelter in Cavite. But after four good years, it is now time to give it a new owner. 

Since I’ll be moving to Makati for internship, it means leaving my place behind, along with the memories- good and bad. I never thought I’d feel bittersweet leaving because I haven’t been there for four months since the pandemic. But when I started packing my things and selling some furnitures, it hits me. I’m never going home to this place again. My bed won’t be my bed anymore. I won’t be having meals on my dining table or sitting on my computer chair for paper works. I might not even have enough space and privacy on my new place because I’ll be having roommates. Suddenly the memories made in that space rushed in to me like a big wave. I was used to being and living alone, having my own room and space. I would definitely miss the comfort of not needing to wake up early enough to not have traffic in the shower room. Or thinking of where to place my things that won’t bother my roommates. Most especially the freedom of dancing to loud music whenever the need arise... 

Then again moving from another city definitely calls for major adjustments. This includes being comfortable in having roommates and minimizing my stuff by letting go of the unnecessaries. I am both scared and excited, but mostly the latter. I only pray for two things:

1. Nice roommates

2. Clean roommates

Though I prefer living alone, I realized that maybe having company is not such a bad thing. Maybe I do need one or two to adjust in the city. This is the time to practice my personal relations skill and learn from people from different walks in life. This is me growing up. This is me continuously being headstrong for whatever lies ahead of me. 

To feel relevant again.

A week ago, I was scheduled for my psych and physical exam as a requirement for internship in Makati Medical Center. For how many months, it was my first time being back again but the feeling of excitement whenever I’m about to enter the hospital is unexplainable. I grew up going in and out of every door existing in that hospital. Going there as an intern with an “M.D.” on my name is just ethereal. What more if I actually started having hospital duty again wearing my white coat with my name next to MMC’s logo? To an ordinary individual, maybe going to the hospital is a dangerous exposure to things unseen by the naked eye. But I guess if you are an aspiring doctor, you know that that risk is part of your job. And so it makes you a little more immortal and a little less paranoid. Yet of course, safety measures must be practiced. Temperature is always checked, alcohol is abundantly given and available in every hallways, and wearing of mask is a must. It’s amazing though how even more than half of my face was covered, people still recognized me. And by people I meant my dad’s colleague and resident. I wanted to hug them and give beso but that can wait when all of this is over. A part of me hopes for an online internship for at least until December because I’m still unprepared for the moving in part, but the other half of me wants to go back to hospital duty. I guess I miss the “action”. I miss the learnings. I miss feeling relevant during this pandemic. 

With that said, I guess God do listen to our thoughts because on that same week I was given the chance to be a doctor in my own way. My boyfriend was asked to be the head physician of a company screening test for COVID-19 using the rapid test kits and of course I had to plead to let me go with him and do the testing myself. Yes, it was my first time doing it. And no, I was not nervous at all. I know the mechanism behind it, I know how to interpret and explain the results. Still I left the more serious duty of answering the questions to my boyfriend who already carries a license. I was already feeling happy by wearing the PPE and by interacting with patients by calming them when they voice out their fear of needles. That’s one of the skills I’m glad I’ve developed during clerkship. Developing patient rapport and understanding their fears and anxieties. I also missed our biology lab classes back in college and doing this testing took me back to the days when I would use pipettes and buffers. It was a totally nerd moment for me. I had the opportunity to test both Chinese and Filipino staff. Though I was occasionally referred to as “ma’am”, “ate”, and “nurse”, I didn’t mind. It was already a fulfillment for me to do such a thing. Only then did I feel somewhat relevant again in my chosen field. 

Oh, just a spoiler: one of the patients I tested came out IgG positive. To my non-medical readers, IgG positive means there was a previous infection while IgM positive means there is an acute or ongoing infection. Nonetheless we advised the patient to have a swab test to be sure and as a confirmatory test as well since a rapid test kit is just for screening. 

...and stay there until I want to. 2009-2013 may be my most troubled yet exciting years of my lifetime. It was the era of discovering myself and knowing the “outside world”. 

Coming from a small grade school, I was literally culture shocked upon entering Muntinlupa Science High School. Seeing hundreds of students coming from different backgrounds and social classes with different stories to share. It was my first day of my first year in high school. I remember bringing a big backpack with so many things inside because I was that kind of student. I literally had everything. From school supplies to bathroom kits. Let’s also not forget my umbrella and lunch box. We were all lined according to our year level and section for the flag ceremony. The higher batches stare at us as if we were fresh meat. Well, we technically are. I remember being friends with people I never knew I’d be friends with. I learned how to socialize with people from different sections. I learned how to build a bond with my own section. I remember walking from one classroom to another with my circle and sharing stories about that upperclassman who said hi or sent us a friend request on Facebook (it was already Facebook then, right??). I remember eating street foods and sneaking out to buy chicken skin and pancit canton from the store across us. I also remember the tricycle rides I took even though I wasn’t allowed. Come second year, I discovered I had it in me to join and win pageants. I was able to build my self confidence even more. People from different schools shout my name while people from mine praise it. I got to learn how to manage my time as I juggle school and after class practices with just my two hands. Mind you, being in a science high is tough as we were called “cream of the crop”. I remember being in my first ever relationship. I remember also the fights and all the drama, the dates and all the anniversaries. Back then posting on social media wasn’t a thing and that made everything private, personal, and more genuine. I remember losing and gaining friends in third year high school. I remember learning things the hard way and maturing along the way. High school does involve a loooot of childish and immature drama but back then it meant everything. I remember crying and laughing, getting mad and saying sorries. I remember the turn of events as we had our final prom and a few days after when we had our graduation. The memories are still so vivid in my head that it make me smile just remembering the hugs and smiles I exchanged with people that touched my life. I was completely changed after high school. I was a new person. 

Just wanted to share my short hair pics here on Tumblr! This was me after having so many takes in filming my hippocratic oath video.

Last night, my boyfriend and I had one of our most heated argument and it happened to be about the Anti Terrorism Bill. Being a vocal person on social media, I keep myself educated and updated on this bill along with the other shenanigans happening in our country right now. Of course I am against it. Of course I want to junk it and have it revised, if needed be. My boyfriend, on the other hand, initially wanted to be on the safe side of things. Saying that if we will just follow the law, then there’s nothing to be afraid of. Then my trigger warning went off. There is no safe side in this law. Next thing I knew, I was raising my voice at him out of frustration. I wanted him to see what’s really happening and the future implications of such things. I ended up crying because I was so mad at how he thinks and how I cannot successfully educate my own boyfriend. I felt defeated because we somehow agreed on the ground of respecting each other’s point of view. But I was half-hearted on it. To me, it was still unacceptable.

After cooling down, I went outside to him again. Before that, he attempted to make peace with me but I was still not feeling it. He told me that maybe one day when we have our own family to prioritize and protect, my view on things will change. When it was my time to do the peace talking, he told me, “Okay, I’m against the bill now” while I hugged him and relief washed over me. I was so happy I got him to actually listen and reconsider his stance. He’s not in favor of the bill but being on the neutral side is worse for me. I can tell he did some reading and researching during the time we were both cooling down individually. I also somehow understood where he is coming from. Being the older and more mature one, he is only considering our future family. He said he doesn’t want his kids to grow up without their mom if something bad happens to me from all the chaos that I involve myself in. After a while, I heard his heart out. We’re not voicing out the same thing, but we were both voicing it out passionately. 

It’s not going to be easy. Sure, it’s exciting. You’re on your last year of medical school and on your first year of being on hospital duty. A lot of learnings and experiences to look forward to. And yes, you’re finally wearing a white coat- closer to wearing a longer one. But nothing- not especially having an “M.D.” at the end of your name, comes easy. You’ll find yourself feeling clueless, naive, and maybe stupid whenever you hear medical jargons. Because even after three years of theoretical learnings, those are just confined within the four walls of the auditorium. Practical application is a lot harder. You will end up craving not just for a certain type of food, but for sleep and peace. Instead of going home to your dorm to finally get some sleep, you will be required to attend conferences and symposiums. And it sucks because you want to listen and be mentally present, but your body demands for something else. There will be a constant fear of being demerited, not waking up on time, and getting scolded at by your residents or consultant in front of everyone. Hierarchy in the hospital is real and as much as I want to believe it shouldn’t be existing anymore at this era, it still does. Your thought so friends? In clerkship, you won’t be seeing the same masks they used to show you. Real personalities will resurface and you will have to reevaluate your circle. You will be surprised that people at the hospital can be subtly judgemental making you conscious of your every move. And if you’re not “close” enough with the nurses or residents, you will barely survive. On top of it all, there’s the never ending papers and presentations- admitting notes, medical abstracts, journal appraisals, clinical management conference presentations, endorsements, etc. Most of which are supposed to be submitted at a certain time- or else. Demerit, demerit, demerit. 

You deserve to take a breather. If you think it’s a requirement in clerkship to be 24/7 awake, you’re wrong. Mainly because it’s impossible and unhealthy. You will cry a lot. Twenty buckets of tears in one rotation is not enough. Failed an exam? Got humiliated? Release it; release those emotions. Cry it out. Clerks are not robots. Just because you are expressive of your emotions doesn’t mean you are weak. Most times your co-clerks will make you feel guilty for listening to the needs of your body. Realize though that it will only take a bigger toll on your overall health. Maybe some are better awake at night while others are more functional at midnight. Take shifts. Clerkship is not about getting the least amount of sleep. It’s about maximizing learnings while being at your best state. And if taking shifts is not enough, if naps would not suffice, take a day off. Forget the make up duties and backlogs- temporarily. Hang off your coat and see your family. Drive as far as your heart desire. Then after being cleaned by the air and sea, go back to your responsibilities. See how your mind and body will amaze you after listening to them. So always listen. 

In the end, it’ll be worth it. The patient interaction, seeing them smile whenever you enter their room early in the morning or late at night to get their vital signs, them offering you food because you were kind and gentle enough to explain their disease or the procedure they will be undergoing, the adorable kids and cute grandparents at the outpatient department. These are only outtakes of the good things of being a clerk. Tiny achievements like being inside the operating room, inserting a nasogastric tube, or learning how to clean the wound properly. Clerkship is not the end of medical school to the point that you should be pressured to know everything and anything all at once in a span of one year. It’s actually the continuation of your medical career. Becoming a doctor is a lifelong process and as the older consultants say, “the learning never stops”. So just keep learning. Be open enough to accept mistakes and correct them. Even if the thought of giving up hits your mind, don’t. Just tell yourself, “one more day” and if you were able to survive yesterday, you will get through today. And always, always go back to your reasons. Keep them tight and close to your heart because you will find yourself constantly needing them as self-reminder. Hang on to it even if things are uncertain and difficult; even if you feel like you are not worthy to be wearing that stethoscope or coat. Because you are. 

-

First and foremost, you are not overreacting. You are not crying over spilled milk. You need to acknowledge how much you are keeping inside instead of sweeping it under the carpet. You’ve been through a lot and it hasn’t even been a year, Tizza. Allow yourself to heal; embrace the pain because it is what it is. Cry your heart out if crying lifts the weight off your soul. 

You don’t have a “normal” life, and that’s okay. I’m sorry you’re not stable, emotionally and mentally. I’m sorry if people don’t understand the storm inside your head. I know you’ve been trying to maintain a beautiful facade, a positive outlook, but you- of all people, should know that bandaid alone doesn’t heal ocean deep wounds. It’s not your fault for being what and who you are. It’s not your fault you have to carry so much while trying to keep up with the waves of life. So don’t have the habit of wearing that mask all the time. If you think taking it off makes you ugly and unlovable, then the more you should keep it away from your face. Because before other people accept you for you, you need to embrace you. 

Lastly, pursue you dream. Even if others think it’s out of reach for you; even if others make you feel like it’s a mistake doing so. Do it for yourself because you always wanted to go there- be there, even if he’s not anymore. Of course it wouldn’t be smooth sailing but it is gonna be worth all the struggle. You’ll get there and it would be amazing and beautiful and everything you thought it would be. It’s gonna make your heart ache bittersweetly because you finally made it. So stick around to be on that day. Things will slow you down but this shouldn’t discourage you. 

Since my posts lately, on top of the current situation of our country, don’t really set a calming vibe to soothe my mind, last night before going to bed I decided to comfort myself by thinking of things I am excited for once the quarantine is lifted and this nightmare is over. Here are some of the things I took a mental note of:

Moving out and moving in. Once I’m officially done with clerkship, it’s time for me to proceed with internship which means me living in Makati. It’s definitely a bold move for me but since Makati Med has been home to me since I started remembering going there with my dad, I decided to apply for internship there and luckily I got in. Although things are gonna be different since I’ll be the one responsible in looking for a place, comparing rooms and rates, packing my things in my current place, and moving from one city to another. It surely gives a big “adulting” energy but hopefully with some help from people, I’ll make it through. I’m already expecting a rough start but I’m ready to face it. 

Shopping! For a new coat, clothes (since my usual wardrobe is not really “I’m a medical intern” ready), shoes, room stuff, and whatnot. I spend I think at least an hour daily on Shopee just browsing and adding things to my cart that I think will be useful once I move to my new place. I’m eyeing a monochromatic and minimalist vibe for my new place hence I’ve been looking for organizers and simple home decors. Sometimes I feel like I’m investing too much for a place I’ll be staying for only a year lol and, oh no, what if the room won’t be that big or worse, I’ll be needing a roommate?? Ugh this is the part where my overthinking self takes over..

Wherever you go, whoever you are with, and whatever happens, always go back to your senses. Never allow yourself to be controlled by other people. Don’t let them make you feel bad and sorry for feeling what you are feeling. When they tell you, “this is how/what you said/did” and you know to yourself it’s not, then bravely say no. You don’t give in to them just because their voices are louder or because their actions are scarier. Most importantly, no one should be accountable in invalidating your entire existence, not even you. Because they don’t know why you are aching the way that you are aching. They don’t know how their words sting because they only said it, not heard it. They don’t know how forcing their ideals on you makes you lose your sense of self.  

I chanced upon this message on my IG account after posting photos from my surgery rotation on my Facebook. To some, maybe it’s just a normal and simple compliment you receive from people around us. But to me, every time I do get compliments like this, it melts my heart. This specific one is from my former first year high school classmate who transferred school but still kept in touch with me by sending me random messages as the one above. It’s not my first time receiving messages from her but every time I do, I couldn’t help but to be overwhelmed by it. Likewise, another high school classmate and one of my high school best friend who went to Canada after sophomore year commented “love that for you twin” on my Facebook post. Imagine a person who haven’t seen you for years, tell you something like that. It’s not because of the good things they told me, but because what to me are just small victories, nothing out of the norm, are already big achievements to them. It just humbles me. Makes me realize that, wow, I have really gone a long way already. The amount of times I doubted and belittled myself amount to nothing whenever I receive encouraging messages like this. To me, I’m just a harmless clerk, the person at the bottom of  the food chain; but to them, I am a doctor, a successor of my surgeon dad. 

It has been, what, sixteen days? I honestly lost track. We are halfway through with the declared month-long quarantine. And so far, these are the things I have been entertaining myself with: 

Long afternoon walks. I’m currently staying at my boyfriend’s place here in Batangas. We were together when we were pulled out of the hospital and so we decided to pack my clothes and other essentials and stay here for the meantime instead of me being alone in my dorm for who knows how long. I would’ve stayed there but of course he wouldn’t let me starve and die of boredom and loneliness. In this way, he could closely monitor me since I have been exposed in the hospital waaaay before the COVID breakout. I could’ve went home to my mom and sisters but we thought it would be dangerous for them to be exposed to people like us who had contact with patients. I always make sure they are safe by checking up on them once in a while. Anyway, since this quarantine started, I had been so anxious with all the happenings. Of the few things that make me calm, walking or taking a jog is one of them. It clears my mind and helps me relax by giving me a breather (even though doing so actually tires me, lol). I’m one of the few lucky ones to be staying in a place where walking around is allowable because here, there are not much people, the place is big enough to get lost, and there are a lot of trees and other greeneries. I always go out with my mask on and take a bath afterwards. Just to be sure. 

Indoor workout. Because sometimes I’m too lazy or it’s already too dark outside for me to go out. Since I started going out for a jog again, I hate the feeling of not doing any kind of sweaty activity in a day, may it be just a 10-minute work out. I honestly feel fat and unfit it’s making me hate myself and we don’t want that kind of negativity so I make sure I discipline myself by either going out for a walk or doing a short workout at home. Of course when I’m reaaally feeling under the weather, I let myself rest. But every time I can, I do try to squeeze in a few minutes of cardio or ab workout. Lately I’ve been trying video workouts on Youtube. I’m pretty sure y’all heard of Chloe Ting cause I just did yesterday and gave in to one of her workouts today. 

Intermittent fasting. Another weight-losing related activity because I really wanna go back to my old body! Every time we stop a previous routine, it becomes harder whenever we try to go back to it again. This is my case with working out and doing IF again. It gets frustrating when I couldn’t control my hunger or when I over eat but baby steps. We’ll all get there again! 

Trying home-made snacks and drinks I see on the internet. I recently made a Tiktok account (but no, I don’t make videos lol I made it for viewing purposes only) and whenever I’m in bed in the morning or at night, I always see interesting easy-to-make dishes and snacks! And of course I definitely need to drag my boyfriend with me. We ended up doing the Dalgona coffee challenge and boooy we got obsessed! My boyfriend, who is not much of a fan of ice/sweetened coffee, makes me one almost every day since we started trying it. Definitely a win-win situation for me, haha! 

Tiktok and Sims mobile. Since I’ve already mentioned Tiktok, let me add another activity I started doing on my iPhone: playing Sims. I couldn’t engage myself with the “real Sims” that’s why I decided to try the Sims mobile instead. I have been on my phone day and night since I started. I forgot how addicting Sims is! So far I have four sims, two of which are playable: a married couple and two kids. I kinda need new game suggestions though because I’m starting to get bored with it already. 

Online classes because amidst the corona situation, we need to cary on with our clerkship so we can graduate on time, start internship by June or July (fingers crossed), and be the doctors we are supposed to be. To be honest, even though we are thankful that we were pulled out from hospital duty (fact check: clinical clerks like me are not obliged to participate in such events because we haven’t taken our Hippocratic Oath yet. For short, we are technically not yet doctors who can see and treat patients on our own, no. That would be years from today), it gets frustrating at times because I feel like there’s nothing I can do to help. I couldn’t go to the hospital to help because, well, I am just a clerk, for now. I do not have the knowledge and skills in order to act and react properly and safely in situations like this one. That is why I am really grateful for our consultants and residents for assuring us of our safety and our education. When the corona virus outbreak happened, I was six weeks into my surgery rotation (the best rotation for me, by the way). I’m supposed to be starting with my anesthesiology rotation which is under the surgery rotation as well but due to the given circumstances, that did not happen anymore. To further maximize the little time we have left with surgery, we had online meetings for clinical management cases and other conferences. Again, I’m one of the few lucky ones who has a good internet connection. But how about the others? How about those who have crappy ones or who need to go out just to have internet connection? I can only imagine how frustrating that is. Nonetheless, we got to do what we got to do. And that is to continue learning because in medicine, as told by many, the learning never stops. Again, I am really thankful for all those who get out of their way just to provide us with learning materials and the time to connect with us via online video teleconferences. Speaking of which, tomorrow is the mark of my first day in pedia rotation. At 10 AM, we will be having our orientation via MS Teams. I hope I wake up early enough to brush my teeth and wash my face!

K-dramas and movies. Since I have the time and resources to up my Netflix game, I did so by watching some series and a few movies. So far I already watched CLOY, one episode of Kingdom, one episode of Dare Me, The Platform, and Isn’t It Romantic. Currently I’m on the eighth episode of Hi Bye, Mama and I’m loving it so far! I can’t say it’s a light drama because I’ve cried a bucket on the first episode already. But maybe that’s just because I’m a cry baby. Speaking of baby, I’m just obsessed with Seo Woo! She is just the cutest! I have yet to watch more series and movies. Tonight, my boyfriend and I are gonna watch Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. 

It has been eleven months since the last time I was here. I was preparing for clerkship back then, now I’m a few months away from graduating medical school. A lot has happened, but that’s not why I’m back here, yet again.

Using these two photos to say two things:

1. I’m on my (last) summer break since a week ago and so far I’ve finished one book.

2. Ya’ girl got promoted to clinical clerkship!!! One more year until I finally get that MD ♥️

How do you do blogging again?

I’m not even gonna say it. I told myself when I went back to blogging for the nth time that I won’t feel bad and pressured to update it real time but a lot of things happen way too quickly that I just can’t afford to sit down, pick photos, edit it, and tell my story in one blog post.

Yet again, here I am doing it. 

How do I start this.. well, I’m dating someone. Exclusively dating someone which is nice. Wonderful, amazing, just perfect. I’ve never felt more loved, more secured, more taken care of. No one expected we’d end up where we are now but I’m just grateful we did. Everything made sense since I met Kevin. Why things didn’t work out in the past, why things had to happen, and why I had to endure it all. Because I was preparing for the best one yet. He took me out to multiple dates already. Brought me anywhere and everywhere. And as we all know, when you’re in love it’s not only your heart that gets full of love.. but so does your tummy 😅 I can’t wait to introduce him to my family because I know he’s the man my mom would want for me. He’s the man my old self would want for me as well.

As for my med life, I’m down to my last 2 final exams before I go to clerkship. I’ve been feeling anxious for 3 years now if I’ll get promoted to the next level but to be honest the promotion to clerkship is the most terrifying one yet. On top of that, if I do get promoted, there are many things to mind in preparation for clerkship: vaccines, white coat, new uniforms, white tops, medical tools, etc etc. It’s all too much to process and my anxious self is just all over the place when clerkship is the subject. But I know I have to start facing these things on my own and start acting like a real adult. I can’t just depend forever on other people to remind me things or do it for myself.