Shit Jessie Says

Today while talking in the library about our plans for the night and how they might possibly go, things took an interesting turn. We were talking about the possibilities of them not go as planned and Jessie offered me such lovely back-up help. Grabbing her strawberry Nutri-grain bar she says “If it doesn't work out I’m going to shove this Nutri-grain bar so far up his ass! Wrapper and all......so that he can eat it latter!” What can I say? She’s always got my back!

Jessie drank way too much chocolate milk today and then announced to the room that she felt like a "bloated sea cow" and that I should never allow her to drink that much milk again. Chocolate Coma is commencing.

Our RA/Suitemate/Friend Jasmine is applying for an internship in Dublin, Ireland over the summer. They contacted her to tell her she was accepted but to be placed in a spot they need to do an over the phone or skype interview. Jasmine opted for the skype interview and so she had to give them her skype username. I'm like "Jazzy, what if you have some kind of embarrassing name?" To which Jessie suggests "Yeah! What if it's like 'Lickmyballsak2019'!" She even gave me the suggested spelling with just a k and not a ck in sack.

Jessie and I have a friend that lives on our floor named Michael. He makes this weird high pitched noise but we didn't know this until recently. The first time he made it Jessie bursts out with something along the lines of "Oh God, Michael you sound like a rat giving birth!" I thought it sounded more like a dolphin but maybe that's just me....

I swear I can't even have a serious conversation with this girl (okay, that's not true, we have them a lot). She manages to do or say something and the thing becomes funny. We were sitting at our desks, not doing homework, and talking about our ongoing and crippling case of procrastination. I was talking about how you reach that point where you just know that you can't put it off any more and you just have to do the damn assignment. She was agreeing and then proceeded to tell me how she knows she has to buckle down and just do the work. She really seriously looks at me and says "When the butt sweat sets in, that's when you know you gotta do the homework....Ya know?" I'm like "Dude...what the hell are you talking about?!" And she responds "Do you get the butt sweat feels?" And I just stare at her. "No, man. I don't get the butt sweat feels.... But what you're telling me is that you get an anxious ass?!" And she just shrugged and laughed and said "Well yeah! That's how I know!"

Jessie owns this bright red trucker hat that says "I'm here to fuck shit up" on it. She insists on wearing the thing when she visits me at work and when she's in rare form. The hat hangs on her front bed post and is the first thing you see when you walk in to our room. One day she goes to put it on and says "I kinda wish this said 'Foxy Grandma' on it".. what?

While walking through Walmart at a quick pace Jessie yells out after a child runs in front of her “I don’t slow down for children! They are minor speed bumps!”

One time Jessie and I were sitting at our desks and she was jamming hard core to "Tom Ford" by Jay Z. She was rocking back and forth and then stopped. I look at her weird and went "Yeah Buddy?" to which she responded "It was nice because my elbows would touch my ass." and then did it again to demonstrate.

A few weeks ago I was driving like a maniac with Jessie in the passenger seat and I took a turn rather quickly launching Jessie and nearly hitting another car. She grabs the "oh shit handle" and screams "THAT SCARED ME SO MUCH I CLENCHED MY BUTT CHEEKS!"

After a whole bowl of golden grahams and a cup of cappuccino Jessie was entering a food coma. "I'm starting to get the sweats! But my pulse is fine! I don't want to put on my coat! This is like menopause all over again!!"

I haven't the slightest clue what context this went in but I swear to god Jessie screamed "TAKE MY JIZZY TISSUE!" and then threw a tissue missing the garbage can and landing right in the middle of my desk.

So today Jessie and I were sitting on a bench at our college around 3:30. The bench was horribly uneven. I shifted my weight and the bench tipped almost spilling Jessie's beloved caffeine fix all over the hallway. She quickly grabs the cup, glares at me, and very seriously says "If you had flipped my coffee I would have beaten you and then gone home and taken a nap".  She then angrily takes a huge swig and goes "WHOA! So that's what it's like to give Satan a blow job!" because it was still too hot.