i'm just a box in a cage.

I’m home for two fucking days. my dad says hed hate me if he was one of my friends and not my parent. and “how the hell do people in your personal life tolerate you when youre like this all the time?”  referring to being upset for not being left alone when I asked to be left alone. I’m not like this all the time, is how. When i advocate for my needs from friends, generally theyre supportive. all i ever ask for is to be left alone, or at MOST a fucking hug.  all men ruin my fucking life. I just spent a whole week with him and his friends and I just felt like shit the whole time trying to not fucking snap from all the misogyny in my living space never mind the entire fucking backwards state of utah doing a male dominated sport. My dad will never like me so I don’t know why I keep trying. i try so fucking hard. im just so hurt. I know he’s fucked up. I know its not just me. I know I’m not bossy and controlling. I feel bad for taking up space. I feel bad for being alive and making any choices because I fear the consequences of making the choice that other people don’t approve of. I am so passive because I’m so scared of this exact scenario. I made the wrong choice today. I spoke in the house I grew up in a fucking tone that wasn’t liked, and now I’m “crazy” and “mental” and “terrible” and im never just a person hanging around. I’m “the girl that sucks to deal with” and “a raging bitch” or controlling, or wench or *insert any number of mental illnesses that get thrown at me by my (high school educated) parent in order to invalidate the way I’m thinking and feeling*. I try so hard. I’m doing everything right, I’m back in school and on meds and in therapy and how come its ONLY ME that has to “fix” myself?