Iām here to tell you that I am deleting this blog.
Typing that feels strange, even unreal, but it also feels somewhat freeing.
Nothing bad is happening. Iām not in trouble, in danger, hurt, upset, or feeling otherwise forced to make this decision.
The simple fact is that itās been 12 years. Typing THAT feels unrealāstaggering!
I made this blog when I was 16 years old, at the end of a long summer in 2010. Back then, I called itĀ āPatchwork Happiness,ā and believe it or not, it was a creative writing and poetry blog.
I didnāt even know about reblogging (amazing), so I saved and reposted things from other peopleās blogs for a few weeks until someone explained how the site works.
Only a month later, my dad died terribly and suddenly in a house fire, and I threw myself into this online community as a means to make new friends, distract myself, and cope.
I found friendship in the My Chemical Romance fandom and spent a long time as more or less a devoted MCR bandom blog, but all along I shared stories about my lifeāsometimes funny and sometimes grief-stricken.
People loved to read what I wrote, and I loved to hear what they thought. I started telling more stories, sharing more of myself.
I started from nothing. No internet pretense save for my storied history on Neopets.com as an avid middle school Vampire roleplayer. I vividly remember making a celebratory post for gaining my 11th follower!
Over time, that changed dramatically.Ā Iāll never forget the first time someone recognized me in public. It was humbling and hilarious. I had no idea how to act, I was so embarrassed. But they were so kind, and from then on every interaction Iāve had with someone from this site on the street has been positive and left me smiling.
In 2017 at Colossolcon, a teenager attending the convention with their parents approached and said theyād decided to pursue ecological sciences in college because of my blog. What could I even say to that? Iāll never forget it.
Itās one thing to see the notes, the replies, the reblog, and understand on some level that real people are interacting with and relating to my thoughts, my experiences, my life. Itās another thing entirely to comprehend and accept that.
Forget the impact Iāve had on others, the impact youāll have had on me is astounding, mind-boggling, humbling! You put me through my final year of college when the situation was desperate. You got me my top surgery after my first surgeon left me hopeless.
Do you know that I made more than one of my current best friends on this site?
In 2012, I graduated high school and moved in with my Grandpa. I went to an Ohio Homestuck blog and submitted a post asking if there were any Homestuck fans in Dayton, hahahaha. Somehow, that went well, and the person I met at the Panera bread in the mall is like family today.
I have more than a few stories like that.
I was a pretty hopeless teenager when this all began. Bullied relentlessly, grieving my dad, undiagnosed Autism and Depression, failing almost all of my high school classesāI had a lot of battles to fight.
Coming here every day made me believe I could fight, period. And the people Iāve met here made it true.
I know I only intended to go on a hiatus, but Iāve had a lot of time to think in doing so.
12 years feels both like nothing and like a lifetime to me. From a terrified teenager with no idea where I belonged in the world to an adult pursuing my dreams surrounded by support and love, itās been a journey in the purest sense of the word.
When I was 14 years old and first began suffering with symptoms of OCD, I didnāt think Iād live to be 18. I knewĀ I wouldnāt. I was sure of it. But once I hit 18, still miserable, still so scared, I decided that 20 would be better. It went on like this. There were good times and bad times. Now, at 27, Iām finally in treatment for my OCD, something that was once again only possible because of all of you.
I graduated college. Once again, thanks to you.
Iām working in my dream field. Iām living a life Iām proud of. Iām surrounded by people I love.
I turned 18 nearly ten years ago. Iām so happy Iām alive. Iām so happy I made it.
And itās because of all of that Iām able to let go of this space now, of this piece of me, this blog. Itās supported me through so much, but now itās time for me to shift focus to the next parts of my life. To my instruments, to my poetry, to my career, to my pets, my family, and all of the wonderful things I can see on the horizon.
I canāt even begin to recall and dwell on every single memory from this blog I wish I could. There have been too many good things, too much happiness, too much surprise and too many beautiful memories to give it all the attention it deserves.
So much has happened.Ā Hell, when I started this blog, I thought I was straight! Wild.
Thereās no clean, perfect way to say goodbye to something thatās been a part of my life for so long. I considered making a video. I considered doing a livestream. Nothing felt good enough. This doesnāt feel good enough.
All I can say is thank you. Thank you so much for every single thing. Every laugh, every encouraging word, every bit of yourself that you shared with me.
And thank you for letting me share myself with you and above all for accepting me.
I was so young, I was so scared, and I didnāt know what the world had in store for me. If I could go back now and tell my younger self how amazing it would all be, how well things would turn out, she might not have felt that fear.
But I donāt need to. Sheās with me now, inside of me. Weāre the same person all in one, and all of this love, all of this happiness, and all of this hope and excitement for the future is as much herās as it is mine.
So thank you, for every single part of it.
All of my love, utterly and truly forever,
Letās all go do something amazing. The world is waiting for us!
discoholicmusic
tangentwithtanner
kianamaiart
prguitarman
gracieabrams
vaporwave
