soft and warm

In my dream, she was talking to my mom and no one else seemed to have the same reaction to seeing her as I did. I just held her and started crying. I told her, "I'm sorry I didn't know how important you were while you still were here." It felt like she understood what I meant.

I still feel a lot of guilt about not going to see her those couple weeks she was in the hospital. I was too busy working at a job that I hated. The same job that turned around and suspended me for a week without pay as a punishment because I couldn't emotionally handle working the second half of my double shift the same day that she died. I'm so thankful to work in a place now that would never do something like that to me.

In the midst of this pandemic, I have been thinking a lot about my Aunt. Though I miss her so much, I am glad she is safe and not having to live through all of this. Especially because she was diagnosed with cancer and passed away just weeks later. She could've gotten more sick or been in more pain, or even had to be alone while she was in the hospital.

Part of what really makes me paranoid about all of this is the fact that I've seen first hand the repercussions of unexpectedly losing a family member who suddenly became ill. Probably the most eye-opening experience of my life. Much of the aftermath doesn't just go away after some time. Losing my Aunt still effects my family to this day. I'm worried for my own health and falling ill especially because I'm in the high risk category for COVID-19 because of my asthma.

Thankfully, I have been given the opportunity to work from home for about two months now. I've been staying at home as much as possible and only going out in public for essentials. I've seen my friends at a distance maybe 3 times now, which isn't easy. But every day I'm thinking about a bigger picture: "I can't get sick and put my family through this pain again". And I would hate for something I did to make someone else experience this pain.

This is why I get so upset to see people, even those close to me, not take this situation seriously. Our president is even a prime example of what seems to be the universal American though right now: "I don't care about this pandemic anymore. I'm thinking about myself now." If your biggest complaint is being bored, consider yourself lucky.

My heart has been hurting every day for those who have become sick or died from this virus, for those I'm who lost their jobs, and for the individuals who are struggling financially. I'm even more hurt to see how selfish people can be in reaction to this situation.