*TRIGGER WARNING*

Idk why i am here, but i always have a lot going on in my mind and i need to type it out somewhere or I am going to do something horrible and reckless.

I am not in any danger to myself or others.

I am trying to get an appointment with a doctor to talk about my mental health so I can impove my state of mind.

Without too much explanation I now care for a dog and a cat and I am super stressed about it because i know how much they mean to the person who has trusted me to care for them while they are not able too.

Self love starts with anger, disgust, hatred, sadness, loathing, and envy.

Self love is pain, and angony, and upset. Its rewiring your brain to think differently, to cut the connections made by other people to make you hate yourself. Its pushing yourself out of the tiny box you have been placed in and its uncomfortable.

Self love is made by patience and understanding with yourself. Its something you have to work daily on, it will be easier one day and harder the next. Its loving the whole you unconditionally.

Self love is putting yourself before others, its understanding your boundaries and not letting someone step over them.

Self love can never stop. It is a constant. It gets easier when you rework your brain, but there will still be bad days. There will hard days and long nights. There will still be not liking what you see in the mirror.

But self love makes it easier to be gentle on yourself. To know who you are and to feel comfortable in your skin. It makes it easier to move on past the hard days and the good days will be better. Its freedom from others judgements and its comfort in knowing what you want and where your going. Its dressing how you want to dress and knowing you'll be beautiful no matter what. Its finally appreciating your art work and being happy with the mistakes.

Why is my body up for debate when its no ones business what I do with my uterus.

Why are their bodies up for dabate when all they want to do is look in the mirror and love who they see.

Why are we focusing on bodies of unborn fetuses, when bodies of children keep piling up.

Im horribly scared. Im scared that one day its going to happen where I live. I scared that one day I am not longer going to have access to the basic human right to choose what I want in my life.

Im scared that I am going to lose friends who cant be themselves and decide to take their own lives.

Im scared that my neices and nephews are going to die in the place where they need to be learning and growing.

I have been feeling the anxiety bubble up every once in awhile this past month, but tonight its almost unbearable and so hard to handle and breathe through.

Of course this is happening at 11 pm and i have no one to talk to since everyone is probably asleep.

I have been feeling off all day, i have been moody and snappy and quiet, nothing is seeming to make me feel any less overwhelmed and on edge.

I just wish i had someone to hold right now and kiss my forehead. It wont make the issues go away but it would be nice to have affection.

Finally something good to post about.

Im fat, its one small aspect of who I am but its the truth. Im obese.

I found out today that my depression, horrid periods, and obesity, all have to do with a raging hormone imbalance i have had.

All my life i have been told its because i dont count calories, or i am not trying hard enough, or i dont work out.

But no, im not some fat lazy slob, i have a literal medical condition that effects everything and finally i have found a doctor who doesn't just dismiss me for not working out, or dismisses my periods as normal and to just take an advil when i need 6 extra strength advils to stop the pain that rips through me.

Today I have been vindicated. Today I have been told that while the issue is inside me, the issue is not me personally.

I have not stopped crying because the child who was bullied for being fat, the teenager who developed an eating disorder after the food was threatened to be put under lock and key and forced on horrible restrictive diets, the young woman who has faced fatphobia on a daily basis, they have all been vindicated.

Im fat, im beautiful, im a healthy adult, but i have had undiagnosed Polycystic ovarian syndrome for most of my life that has caused almost all my issues.

The only consols and gaming devices I had was a game cube, a wii and like 2-3 games for both. So a majority of my time was spent online playing free flash games.

My issue is, with the death of flash player and no one supporting it. All the games i used to play online as a kid are now gone. Lost to faded memories.

And I think it is complete bullshit.

When there are people out there paying crazy ammounts for gameconsoles to relive their childhood while mine is being thrust into irrelevancy. There is no way to buy an old flash game, you have to rely on downloading shady players and hope they work.

Control. Specifically the lack of control over my environment.

Someone moved documents off my desk at work without notifying me or letting me know where they went and immediately the thought popped in my head to self harm.

This is a major breakthrough. All of the recent thoughts of self harm have popped up immediately after something in my work makes me feel as though i have a loss of control in my environment.

Mentions of self harm here so please do not read on if you cant handle it

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I relapsed, for the first time in a long time.

It hurts, but not in a bad way, it hurts like it used to when I was a teenager.

Its not like the other relapses where it was one and i remembered the bad hurt.

Its nice to feel something other the anger sadness or numb, i know this will be fleeting.

The guilt and shame i am already feeling have made themselves known. I had a breakdown in the car on my way home.

I am ashamed to show them, i hope they heal in time for summer. I dont like hiding my body but now ill have to.

If someone knows they'll..... Help? Why am i afriad of the help. Why cant i accept that the people i want to see happy also want to see me happy.

This is my brain screaming at me for help... Maybe i should give in and just accept others help for once.

This isnt healthy, this isnt beautiful, this isnt a damsel in distress moment where someone will come and kiss my scars and tell me they are beautiful.

This is pain, this is stress, this is a breaking point i hoped id never reach again. This isnt beauty this is agony.

Even as i write this the realization of what I have done sinks in.

My thoughts say everyone is against me, and that no one likes me.

My thoughts say I am annoying and get over attached to quick and all it does is scare people off.

My thoughts say im worthless, im bad at my job, im a horrible driver.

My thoughts say no one will miss me if i vanish, that everyone will be better off without me.

My thoughts are loud in my head today,

They are yelling at my to go back to my old vices, yelling at me to veer my car into the ditch at highway speeds. They are yelling that i am a waste of space.

Im trying to fight them off. Im trying to not listen. But im so tired of fighting and they are so loud.

**** spoilers****"****"**""

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Im watching the latest season and I really hope Captain Lee is okay.

Im attracted to the idea of a man, but when push comes to shove and i am on a date or getting physical with one there is 0 attractions. The sex is always terrible and never as good as i want it to be. When I go on a date with one i can never find a romantic connection with him.

I am attracted to women, the sex is wonderful with them, but i have such horrible issues talking to women and can never get myself out there unless she is the one to hit on me.

Even then I am so slow to develop and trust someone enough to let them into my life to get those romantic feelings for them, and i need those romantic feelings to do anything more then kiss them and grab their ass a little bit.

Not only that but the people who put us down this path are still in power and most of them are doing absaloutly nothing to fix it while also not letting anyone new in.

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