can't tell the joker from the queen of hearts

Mhm, okay, I’m the one with the problem when you’re the one that’s trying to dim my light. Whatever, I don’t care. I’m bored. You’re boring, I thought blondes were supposed to be fun. See, this is why you need me.

Blondes are also supposed to be dumb, and dumb people are usually nice, so like... what happened to you? You definitely haven’t been super nice so far.

Would that even embarrass them? I mean, like me, for sure I’d be super embarrassed if I was caught with my skirt over my head and accidentally flashing everyone but like…. I don’t know. Some girls aren’t that ashamed of their underwear showing like that? Well… no, we aren’t, but still. That’s like. Weird, or something, I don’t know. I would feel gross if I ever had a crush on Chad. Oh, good. Because it was totally fake, but I’m gonna see if I can find the season somewhere to binge it so it’s not fake!

I guess it depends on what their underwear looks like! Do you wear the sexy kind or like... the kinds that are for kids with strawberries that smile on them or whatever? I would feel weird if I had a crush on Chad, too, but it’s just because he’s never been very nice to Isle kids, has he? It was all on Hulu, I think you’ll like it! And then you can catch up and have an opinion on who should be the next bachelor. Or we can just joke about who here in Auradon would be a good one! You go first, I need to brainstorm. 

“Yeah, of course.” She says now taking note about this and now grabbing a few colors that she had there to show that to the blonde. “Look, I think this could work.” The girl said showing to the other the colors that were red, aquamarine and part of black, she thinks that can actually work and suit her really nice. “What do you think?”

“Ooooh,” Tinsley’s eyes widened in surprise. Red and black were her standards, but she didn’t think she’d ever worn anything this aquamarine color before. “What made you pick this one?” she asked curiously, her eyes lingering on it, definitely intrigued. 

It totally does though! Like it did for me, anyway, so I stand by it no matter what. Yeah, but they don’t really sound, like, tooth friendly? Like what if you’re out and about and you’re sippin’ on your drank and then you like, trip and fall and chip a tooth! Forget the environment in that moment, my freaking tooth hurts! Also, like, what if you have something super cold and your lip gets stuck to it? Metal straws just sound like a no go no matter how you look at it. As much as I appreciate that offer, I think I’m good. I mean, I don’t really blame you? There’s some that are really confusing. Like don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. First of all, is the horse bringing me a gift or is the horse the gift… and why would I look any horse in the mouth?

Well yeah, that’s how the girl got stabbed through the eye and died, that’s why it’s so scary! But I guess I’d just have to resist the urge to drink on the go and remember to toss the cup away and sacrifice it if I started going down. Hopefully some cute boy would come to my rescue and catch me and it wouldn’t be an issue, but you never know. Oh! I actually know about that one, weirdly enough. It’s got something to do with the Trojan Horse and uh... well, I don’t get what the mouse has to do with it, I thought they leapt out of the sides of it when they snuck into attack the city, but oh well! I was sort of on the right track.

Well duh! Go splat then you can’t have any more fun! Unless it’s splat like vomit, because that’s always hilarious. Uh… who’s that? And why does it matter if she likes you or not. She’s not the emperor, she can’t tell you what to do! Also if you’re in the trash can, nobody would even know it’s you!

Oh, I hate vomiting, I’m always worried that I’m going to vomit so hard I accidentally turn my whole body inside out and then boys would definitely never like me, having everything on the outside would be ugly. I don’t know, she’s super bratty and people get bratty like that because someone spoiled them, so her dad would probably do whatever she wanted and like feed me to llamas!

I don’t know, something about crime fighting kangaroos or seafaring kangaroos? I wasn’t expecting my own worst nightmare. Those puppets were creepy. There’s plenty of girl power cartoons! DC Superhero Girls, for one! They totally focus on just the girls like Wonder Woman, Batgirl, Harley Quinn, like seriously. A ton of superheroes. And bonus for not using heroine, right? You mean like those candies that taste more like marshmallow powder than banana? I do kinda like the taffy ones, but I thought those were kind of popular? Ew, gross, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, why would you think I’d be into sex with grandmas! Do I give off a vibe?

Do you hate all puppets or was it like just specific to those puppets? And oh, I’ve seen dolls for those -- do they actually come on on Saturday mornings? Because I’ve never found it, maybe I don’t have enough channels in my dorm or don’t wake up early enough for it or whatever. I thought Harley Quinn was a bad guy? So confusing. Do you mean Runts? Because yeah, they are kind of powdery when you chew on them, or even when you suck on them, they don’t vanish into your mouth smoothly at all. No! It was just like a random example, I figured if I said the worst thing I could think of you’d be so relieved that you’re not that weird that you’d admit whatever your less bad thing is.

I… didn’t mean literally, I just meant you know, continue with her plans for revenge on Cinderella in general? And gross! He’s like my cousin, I couldn’t do that anyway! Um…….. I paid attention when Pilot Pete was on screen?

Oh! Sorry, I guess my brain got like waaaaay ahead of me. I used to think about what I could do to make my mom proud and it usually involved taking a picture of one of Alice’s kids upside down in a rabbit hole wearing a dress so their underwear was showing and they were super duper embarrassed, but I never wanted to do it for real since Lyra’s so nice, and also it probably wouldn’t have seemed harsh enough to my mom anyway. Yeah but you guys aren’t like, related by any actual blood, right? It would be totally fine! That sounded fake but I’ll totally pretend I believe you since you’re cute like him.

Um, okay, whatever. I’m just gonna ignore everything you just said because you make no sense and it’s fine! I don’t have to listen to you when you’re totally raining on my parade for no reason! I don’t know, a waste of time? Kind of like everything I’m doing right now, really. Wow, does that mean I should be getting paid for this conversation? Because it feels like a lot of work to seem interested!

No, it means maybe you should get an attitude check or something, though? I really don’t get why people act like Margaery’s the brattiest princess in Auradon, she’s like a zillion times nicer and less conceited than you.

Send in ☯️ to see my muse’s psychological archetype

Your inner lover governs all kind of love including familial, friendship, spiritual, but most importantly romantic. You show your energy and your passion on your sleeve and put your entire being into relationships. You fear being alone and are a natural seducer. Your inner magician is always trying to transform situations, influence people or make visions into reality. You have strong powers and some people are intimidated by you, but you usually use your talents for good. Life Goals: Bliss, love, change Fears: Loss of love, solitude, staying the same Response to Problems: Transform the bad, Use manipulation Life Tasks: Follow your heart, balance Personal Gifts: Passion, sensual pleasure, personal power, intuition Personal Pitfalls: Objectifying others, out of control sexuality, disconnection with reality

“I’ve never done that before.” The blue haired admitted now with a small smile. “But I can try, of course, I’m always up for a challenge, you have any color in mind or like how do you prefer it or you want it to be a surprise?”

Tinsley nibbled on her bottom lip for a moment, uncertain. Her gut had said to go with red and black, just like her mother, just like a deck of cards... but Evie was a fashion genius, wasn’t she? “Maybe you can surprise me? Although uh... could you maybe tell me like, three colors that I might expect to find when I come back to get it?”

No, you’re putting me in the same category, totes different. I already said I’d be in a category all my own, but okay! Well, duh, that’s why it wasn’t a job. You get paid for jobs, not just, you know, cleaning up after people. And that’s super gross, no duh she didn’t like it. Who in their right mind would?

The category was blonde, not like whatever super special Kaya block you think you fall into because you say so. If you die your hair blonde you’re putting yourself in the category, deal with it. Then what do you call internships? That’s still a job, you’re still working, you’re just not paid for it. I don’t know, neat freaks? People who like helping other people? People who like feeling like they’re doing something productive with their time? People like, enjoy working, you know?

T I’m not like you, you know I won’t even dare to do that. I’ll just let them leave cause I don’t want to annoy or bother them. And also I don’t think any guy will wanna be with me like which Auradon kid wants to be with a villain.

It’s probably a good thing you’re not like me, because I know they think I’m totally annoying sometimes. But it’s super worth it, to find the ones that don’t think that. Um, lots of them? There are totally plenty of AK/VK couples, and you’re one of the best of us, you’ve got this thing in the bag! Just sit around reading the book while you wait for them to come claim it, maybe? That seems a little subtler than my way, maybe?

Some old show they used to have on this side of the barrier. That’s about all I know because it wasn’t the Saturday morning cartoon I was expecting. I noped out of there so fast. I guess if you really feel like guessing, that’s up to you, but doesn’t that all depend on what classifies as ‘unpopular?’ Because if you’re limiting that to like school stuff, then you’ll be guessing for a long time.

What Saturday morning cartoon were you expecting? I haven’t found any that I like even though people talk about that like it’s some huge tradition. Apparently there used to be more cute and girl-powery cartoons than there are these days, so I guess Auradon is going backwards? Either that or the shows stink and no one talks about then. No, it could be like, anything! From banana flavored candy to cherry cough syrup to like, having sex with grandmas or something. 

Of course it sounds fantastic, it’s an idea coming from moi! All my ideas are amaze as you’ll soon find out, but for now YAY! I love guests. And yikes, I promise, no matter how “okay” someone looks walking off in no soap, it doesn’t cover how ugly they are in the inside for being so grossnasty. We can try the looks without the grime with the right hair products, and I’m sure you’d come out cute than a dodo, whatever that is. No chef of mine is allowed to be an uggo, after all, not even a temporary chef. If I saw someone be swallowed up into another dimension, I’d probs pass out, no joke.

Are any of your guest rooms red? Sorry, that’s probs asking way too much, I’m just curious -- I can’t imagine all of the cool things you must have inside of a real castle, what room’s your favorite? Right? There are so many beach babe tutorials on AuraTube, there’s a way to get the like ocean-waves without the ocean-stink. I learned about it in some science class, apparently it’s a dead bird and it’s a warning to other bird’s to like, not try and climb too high up on the bird foodchain or else they’ll scare people and get killed off? I think it’s a warning to ostriches, that’s my takeaway from this. Same! Do you think that would leave us too vulnerable to other-dimension snatchers, though? I don’t think I want to go.

Who knew trying was cute?! I’m learning so much from you, thanks. And hey, I’ve got my eyes open for your scooter gang – I’m sure it’ll be a sight to see. And people recover from burns eventually, right? Sometimes? I don’t actually know the logistics, if I’m being honest with you. I’m the snow boy, fire is kind of as far from me as it gets. Those are very cinematic visions of why someone might want to destroy your wedding tape, I like it; my idea was that the footage somehow accidentally captured proof of aliens and someone needed to capture the tapes, but I like yours better. Scars are sexy? Really? That’s great news! I have tons of those! Dropped cookie jars on bare feet, animal bites on my hands!

To the right people it definitely is! The effort’s like impressive and  appreciated even if it doesn’t turn out the way that you planned. Life happens and like, major missteps and oopsies occur, but it’s a ‘thought that counts’ kind of thing. Usually, although I wonder if my hands are going to be shinier from like, burn scars or if they’ll go back to normal dull hand-matte kind of a look. Then talk about you know! What happens if you get frostbite? Don’t your limbs turn black and fall off or something yucky? Oh. I would be so mad if aliens were at my wedding! It’s supposed to be a day about me, not about proving there’s life on other planets, that would be such a rude place for them to decide to touch down. Yeah! Strategically placed ones, at least. But it shows you’re not afraid to like, get into the fray when you need to. Guys with scars are sexier because you could imagine them fighting for your honor, or fighting alongside you or something if you’re like, a warrior chick on your own. Plus scars happen because you’re like, doing stuff and trying stuff, and that’s fun, right?

Seriously, you haven’t heard it? Like you turn the tab so the circle is over the opening and then when you put your straw through it, it holds it in place instead of floating up all weird! I’ve totally gotten it to work so if you can’t, you’re doing it wrong or something. Okay, woah Aunt Josephine, slow down. If you’re that afraid of metal straws, don’t use them! Problem solved! The rest of that… sounds like you’re on your own. Well, hey! Glad I could help you find some direction at least! Just remember me when you make it big and you’re doing your acceptance speech, kay? Um, I think it does? I’m really not sure at all, honestly. Now that we’ve talked about it? I’m really not sure what the point of the whole phrase is anymore.

No, I’ve definitely never heard of that ever, huh. Maybe I’ll try it sometime although it doesn’t really sound like it would work -- but maybe that’s a me problem and I’d do something to screw it up, since my brain can’t like, physics it into making sense. But they’re environmentally friendly! And there are really cute ones, I saw one with rainbow colors the other day and it shined in the sunlight and it was a great aesthetic, I wish I could look that cute just because of my straw. Will do! And if they ever need someone to mack on in a music video or something like, less pressure than memorizing a bajillion lines, I’ll recommend you for it so you can get your turn too. Oops? I feel that way about a lot of Auradonian phrases, if I’m being totally honest.