One Swipe At A Time..

Eye roll.

In case y’all were wondering if there’s any originality in the way men try to pick up women the answer is no. I’m a patriots fan and that’s alllll they can talk about. 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

In case y’all were wondering if there’s any originality in the way men try to pick up women the answer is no. I’m a patriots fan and that’s alllll they can talk about. 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

And they say romance is dead?!?

Do y’all believe in soulmates? Like even if they’re not you’re soul mate, soul mate, but your souls are so similar and compatible it feels like in a way your souls mated? You still following me here? Hah. I met this dope ass guy online. He was on there looking for the same thing as me, just cool people to kick it with and see where it goes. He has a girlfriend and he let that be known right away so we, as friends, went to get food and drinks. We headed into downtown because that’s where he was staying. He’s from Texas currently but is a DJ and had a gig in town. Immediately we just got along. Our personalities just clicked and the laughter and conversation never stopped. There’s something to be said about folks that you can just vibe with. They enrich your life by hitting your soul, making you feel good and happy the old fashioned way. Simple human interaction in its purest form can be so refreshing. We are still homies to this day and I can’t wait until our schedules link us up again. Good times. That’s what it’s all about.

So I decided to kick it with Tuesday again. I felt like he was being somewhat sketchy but let’s be honest, he’s eye candy and I don’t mind me some sugar. So yesterday he told me he was in town again so we decided to make plans to go downtown and walk around and see all the beautiful lights in the garden by temple square. Now like I said, I had a weird vibe from this kid like he was hiding something before. I noticed on his Instagram before our first date that there was a photo of him in a truck (like a tractor trailer truck) with the caption, “truck life.” So I casually asked him about it and he said that he just did some contracted electrical work with the company and posted the picture but he DID have his CDL license and was considering driving for a living. I said okay cool, and let it be. Doesn’t matter to me one way or the other what his profession is really. So I go to pick him up last night because he said he could either borrow the company car and meet me down town or we could ride together. He sent me his location and I offered to scoop him on my way as he was just a few minutes from downtown. I get there to pick him up and ITS ON A HUGE LOT FULL OF TRUCKS. Like legit where people park their trucks, warehouses, all that. He comes out of the office building and I jokingly ask him, so which one is your truck. He laughed it off and said this is just the office they come back to do their paperwork after they work in the field all day doing their wiring work. I say, yeah, right, okay, and keep it moving. So we kick it last night and walk around down town, conversation was great, we had a lot of fun. So I say to him at the end of the night, where is your hotel? Because I am planning to just drop him off at his hotel, which seems normal to me, since you’re done working.. Right? He tells me to just bring him back to the truck lot place.. so I’m like okay, so you really are a truck driver? He laughs and is like no I just meet the guys back there to go to the hotel in our company truck. But im like, bruh im literally offering to take you now so you don’t have to wait on them, and if they’re done working why are they still there. (ITS PRETTY CLEAR TO ME YALL DRIVE TRUCKS AND HANG OUT IN THIS LITTLE PLACE NEXT TO ALL YOUR TRUCKS TO EAT DINNER AND SHOWER AND CHILL, ETC) But I digress. I take him back there and he goes back into the little truck driver office area to pretend like he’s not a truck driver. Im baffled. Like who the fuck cares if you drive a truck. And if you don’t, what the fuck do you actually do. So I head home and text him when I get there safely. We chat very consistently through text for the next hour or so. He tells me he’s at his hotel, I’m like cool, send me a bathroom selfie. As soon as I ask for a picture of him in this hotel he just stops responding. GHOST. He hits me up at like 1 am saying he fell asleep. I’m like word where’s my picture of you at that hotel? He ignores it and texts me this morning to say good morning. I text him to say it seems sketchy. He says how’s it sketchy I fell asleep. Im like oh, okay, sure, lol cool. So he says never mind I don’t want to know how its sketchy, have a nice day. I said thanks but my text didn’t deliver so he blocked my phone number and it turns out he blocked me on the gram too. Lol something hella sketchy with him. Im so confused and so curious.

I think I just became this man’s therapist. At the end of the night he asked if I would pose as his wife and go swing to make $150. I told him no but he could pay me for the hour therapy session he just had. 

Man, Friday night was WHACK. This kid was a fucking weirdo! I met him in downtown salt lake to grab a drink. He was smaller than I expected, stature wise, so you know my fat ass was immediately a little less attracted to him. We like what we like and I need someone that can handle all of this jelly. I gave him a chance though. We head to a sports bar and grab a drink. He is awkward in the sense that he smiles when he shouldn’t and his eyes get really big too often. Anyway though, we are talking and he randomly notices the scars on my arm, no big deal, I get asked about them a lot, and hes like “I have a scar too, do you see it?” He points to his temple. Theres nothing there so I tell him no. Hes like “oh wait must be the other side, do you see it now?” He whirls his head around. Theres no scar yall. Im like nah bro, no scar, to which he tells me, “oh it was a couple years ago, it was like THIS BIG (hold up his fingers like an inch apart from each other).. it must have faded.” Yep… it faded. Anyway, he starts telling me about this girl he dated and how her ex was still jealous so he showed up at her house one night while he was there. This dude gets up in the bar yall, GETS UP and reenacts someone kicking down a door to tell me that’s how the dude came barging into the house only to admit that said dude beat the shit out of him and got arrested. Im baffled at this point. Sit your small ass down and hush, no one cares about the time you got your ass beat in 2012. He then has the audacity to tell me I “ruined the vibe” because he asked why I lived in Utah and I told him I originally moved with my previous boyfriend. Man if your 120lb ass cant handle my honesty, get to stepping. Anyway, im really ready to go but trying to be polite. We wrap it up after two drinks because we legally cant drink more in Utah unless we order food (Mormon rules) so we decide to leave. He asks if I want to go to another spot and I start to decline and then he mentions it’s a strip club. You know what yall, yes, yes I want to go to this strip club in Utah because why the fuck not? Let me fill you in, in Utah, if you want to see full on nudity in the strip club, they don’t serve alchohol, if you want to drink, you have to deal with seeing women in nipple coverings and thongs. You pick your poision. Ive been dying to see a strip club here just to say I’ve done it so I went. Yall, this little ass boy sat his ass down and didn’t move for the whole hour we were there. Straigh to a table, staring at the stage, did not move. I was just bewildered. The club was cute and clean enough, we went to the kind where you can drink, thank god, the dancers were mediocre but it was an experience. We leave after abouot 40 minutes because I was boed and they stopped serving booze. He walks me to my car and its pretty clear we are just not vibing. Hhe still tries to kiss me. I pulled away like a little snail neck, retreating backwards and he just smushed his lips into mine. Im like eh, this is awkward. Hes like its awkward because youre kissing me like a white girl. Bro, I done been a white girl my whole life and aint nobody ever had a problem with how I kiss. The problem is I don’t want to kiss you. Good fucking night. He really text me on Sunday to say hi and I literally just responded “no.” That’s a hard, solid, no from me.

Thursday was SO much fun! On Thursday I hung out with a guy that I have been cool with on social media for a minute. He lives in Utah now but was originally from the south and then lived in Florida for a while as well. He came to Utah because of the air force but now works as an air traffic controller for the local airlines here. Hes gorgeous as fuck yall. Tall, dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, built really nice, muscles and all that. He invited me to his crib and since we know mutual people, I decided to be brave and go over to watch, you guessed it, the Celtics game. I asked him straight up before I agreed to come over if he was going to murder me or try to have sex with me. He laughed at the murder bit and told me the sex part was up to me. I told him gently that I wouldn’t be having sex with him and he said to still come watch sports because he could use some new cool friends in his life. I obliged because im bored as fuck out here in these streets of Utah all alone. But seriously, hes perfect. I got there and he made me a drink and we kicked it, watching some basketball. We just got to talking and sharing stories about life when something came up about playing cards. Fast forward and the two of us are just playing rummy in his dining room at the table, taking shots of goose and getting twisted. I could barely see straight at one point so I just started faking taking the shots. He eventually caught on and we had a good laugh about it. We started dancing bachata in his living room because I mentioned how much I love Spanish music and he said his mom is 100% Spanish. We took it outside to smoke some cigars. I’m telling you, we just had a fun, laid back connection. Then we went to taco bell because I’m a fatass and he decided he was hungry too. He drove of course because I was smacked. We got back to his place and I ate those burritos like It was nobody’s business yall. He of course whipped his dick out after but I politely told him no even though it was beautiful. I had to get going at that point because that dick in my face was eventually going to be a dick in my box if I didn’t leave, temptations run high out here in these mean Utah streets, especially when you meet someone so cool and non Mormon. Anyway though, I’m halfway to my car and I look back and I notice his little dog followed me out. I scoop her up and go back to his door, he opens it all excited thinking I want the D only to be like what the fuck and bust out laughing when he sees me there just holding his K-9. Seriously though, such a fun night.

That brings me to Tuesday. Tuesday was a cool dude. He also had two kids because of course he does. His baby mama lives in Georgia and the rest of his family is from Missouri. He actually lives in Denver currently but is contracted to do jobs in Utah a few times a week as an electrical engineer, or so he says. We met up at buffalo wild wings though to watch some sports. (Notice a trend here, I’m like a man.) Anyway, we are kicking it, watching sports, and I’m just getting lost in this dude’s dreamy ass face. Perfect beard, dark eyes, dark skin, slight southern accent that’s just melting me. Overall, solid, handsome ass man. We had a great time, conversation came easy, we talked about work and life and travel. I really have no complaints about the night. We decided to get going and he walked me to my car. He gave me a little kiss goodnight which was very classy and sweet. He told me he would be back in town again Thursday night if I wanted to see him again. (In my head I was thinking, I might have to push back my date with So-and-so but I’d like to see him again.) So I told him I was probably free and we could go from there. I’ll summarize in saying he continued to text me consistently throughout the week and the conversation was engaging and fun. He ended up flaking and not being in town again on Thursday due to “work changing his schedule” and then did the same thing again on Sunday so I’m pretty much all set. He seemed legit at first but I’ve decided he may be trying to live some double life. This is the beauty of it all though. I’m just out here having so much fun, meeting random guys with no strings attached that when they flake on me it really doesn’t affect me at all. My heart has turned cold and black and I LOVE IT. Muahahahah.

On Monday night I met up with a young man. We can refer to him as Monday. I could tell he was a “fuck boy” if you will, but he was handsome and I laid out what I was looking for ahead of time so I figured it can’t hurt to just get together and see what he’s like. He was absolutely gorgeous in person. Tall, dark and handsome, just the way I like them. He has two kids and I ended up finding out he still lives with his oldest child’s mother. (Yes his kids have different Mothers.) Any way, like I said, fuck boy but it didn’t matter. I just need cool dudes to make out with while we watch football. You know, casual fun. So we are on the date, talking, chumming it up, conversation is great. Homeboy is sitting across from me and he decides to hold my hands while we talk. I’m sitting there all awkward because he’s holding my hands from underneath so my hands are all perched like prairie dog hands into his palms. I’m thinking to myself, man, I’m Italian, I literally need my hands to talk or else I can’t really think and I turn into a mumbling child. It’s funny how that goes hand in hand, (pun intended) but when I’m rambling off I really do need full range of motion with my hands. Its science, don’t question it. I slowly start to pry one hand away because not only do I need it to talk but I’m trying to drink my drink Pal. I’m friendly but this is a first date and you’re holding my hands, let a gal sip her whiskey please. Anyway, we get on the topic of his current girlfriend, even though he’s not admitting she’s still his girlfriend, I know. I’ve been a cyber stalker for far too long now, I’ve seen it all, I can just tell man, y’all still together. And that’s cool by me, we are just going to be homies for all I care, but I already have this guy figured out. He seemed genuinely bummed about his relationship. As he tells it, he’s a hard working guy and she’s a nail tech. He played her out to be uneducated and unmotivated. She may as well be but that’s none of my business. Anyway, we chatted it up, watched the Celtics game, and headed out. He of course kissed me, using my weakness (slight hair pulling) to his advantage. The kiss was phenomenal, as they always are with fuck boys. We parted ways. It was a great night. He text me literally five minutes later to say he had a great time because, of course he did. I’m drama free, adorable, and lots of fun. It won’t go anywhere but he’ll be a cool friend to keep on the back burner when I want a buddy to go watch sports with.

So, I did it. I went on a date. Big deal, right? This was actually a few months back. It just took me a while to get over the traumatic stress. Where do I even begin? It started with a right swipe. We matched on tinder. He seemed cute and we had some mutual friends so I at least knew he wasn’t a cat fish and I just hoped for my sake he wasn’t a serial killer. He looked kind of short in his pictures and being that I am not a small woman I figured I could take him if it came to that. He asked me to go to dinner, sushi. I liked that. A mature man. (As if immature dudes don’t eat sushi..let me make my weird assumptions.) Dinner was fine. Conversation was good. We wrapped up and he walks me to my car. I don’t recall what we even talked about during this walk however because in my head I was psyching myself up for the awkward goodbye. Do we kiss, does he try to kiss me, do I purposely give him the cheek, the awkward bro hug where I just pat his back real hard, handshake? Should I just stand far away and shake his hand?! I didn’t know! Those first goodbyes are so awkward. Never would have expected it to be this awkward though. We get to my car. I do the cute little well I had a great time. *looks at him, looks down, looks back up, moves hair from my eyes and tucks it behind my ears, smiles awkwardly* (I’m REALLY good at flirting by the way.) Anyway, he leaned right in and kissed me. I didn’t even have time to prevent it, all my overthinking was for nothing because it happened pretty smoothly. The kiss was fine. Not sloppy, moderately enjoyable. Then comes the fun part. So as he’s kissing me I started to feel something near my thigh. I felt like he was punching me in the leg. I’m thinking maybe he has an itch and can’t quite scratch it or maybe a bee stung him while we were kissing and he was trying to swat the bug away. I was wrong. As I pulled away from the kiss, there it was, all 2.5 inches of his manhood poking out of his zipper on his pants while he went to town on it with his right hand. He was literally jerking his meat (or lack there of, I don’t judge but I’m judging here) right there in the parking lot. I backed up and stumbled on my words managing to get out, “are you.. What are you.. Are you seriously.. What the fuck are you doing?!” And with out even missing a beat..(pun intended. Ha)..he says..“ I know it’s small. Sorry. Do you think it’s small? Can I just finish? Don’t be weirded out, come back and kiss me.” I had no words. I just turned and left. While he stood there with his little head poking out of his pants, one hand on his hip, the other still trying to find his junk. I know it’s so stereotypical of me to say but.. I literally can’t even. This is why I don’t date. I haven’t even had sushi since then! I’m scared for life. Laughing at it now but never kissing on a first date again. Until next time folks…

So recently (6 months ago) after a failed two year relationship followed up by a quick three month relationship where we had “the talk”.. You know: "hey you’re not sticking it in anyone else right?" "Right baby, only you." "Okay cool." (He was sticking it in someone else.) I decided to join the wonderful world of online dating. I had heard many things about the seemingly vain world of left and right swiping so I decided to see what it was all about for myself. I downloaded tinder. I started off slow and steady. About 200 left swipes to my one right swipe. (Not exaggerating.) I decided I had to be less picky and started letting the right swipes fly a little more often and gaining that moment of brief and limited excitement when the "you have a new match!" notification would pop up. I even dabbled in the sketchy and creepy world of POF. (Big mistake, although quite flattering if you ever feel shitty about yourself.) I had 300+ new messages in three days. I know, pretty impressive. So my friends, below, in no particular order, are some detailed stories about my adventhres thus far. (As they've happened or are happening.) Enjoy!