ADHD in Serial Mode

Today, I realized that I was actually trying to do FIVE SIX things at one time. I was trying to...

1. Watch a YouTube video

2. Order groceries online

3. Make coffee

4. Cook eggs

And the funniest one of all...

5. Read an article about a scientific study called

Clinical Implications of the Perception of Time in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

I’m at the grocery store, and I’m stopped for a bit getting something, and I need to turn, say, left. Instead of turning left, I’ll go to the right and go all the way around! Then I start thinking, “oh geez, did I just take the long way around, again?!”

Because it does work so well when I take it, I’m really reluctant to switch to a long-acting medication.

Anyone else feel like this? Or has anyone had good luck transitioning to a long-acting solution?

...said my mother to me, yesterday.

“I’ve got a really bad short-term memory, Mom” I said.

She witnessed one too many of my “I forgot” moments.

Today, out of the blue, she said, “There’s no one in my family that’s got short-term memory problems.”

Forget the fact that I have tried to explain to her that I have ADHD, and that short-term memory loss is one of the biggest symptoms.

She was looking for a “reason” and crossed off “heredity” from her mental list.

“It must be because you just have too much going on.”

I’m at the point where I have realized that my mother just doesn’t want to believe that her precious daughter has a “head problem”. I’m done with trying to explain it to her anymore.

The funny thing is that I actually think that I got it from her.

For now...

I don’t have anything particularly stressful going on in my life right now, aside from being unemployed. But I did find a new job (and I will NOT f%&k it up) and that starts next week!

Why did I stop?

I’m 13 weeks pregnant. I stopped taking Evekeo the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test. Oh, I felt weird. Really, really “weird” for about 10 days, but that was it.

I’m kind of proud of myself, actually. I thought it was going to be extremely difficult, because I had to give up COFFEE as well.

Giving up coffee hurts more, actually. Seriously. And that was a shit ton harder to get over. I had the worst headache of my life for about two days. I mean, like, I was rolling around my bed crying in pain, that’s how bad the headache was!

But, surprisingly, I feel GOOD.

My head feels oddly CLEAR, like the “fuzz” is gone.

Will I go back on meds after the baby is born? Probably. But I will wait until I’m done breastfeeding.

Walking helps A LOT with calming down my head if I get to a point of feeling a bit overwhelmed.

...good is when I’m listening to music. It’s the only time when I am able to think of one thing at a time. I realize I’m listening to many different instruments at once, but (for the most part) they are blended together as one song, and they are all at the same tempo, in harmony.

Once the music stops, my head goes back to being a scrambled mess.

A while back, before I knew I had ADHD, I played drums in a local band. I’d go into a trance-like state when we played. I would fix my eyes on something, anything, and I’d stare at it for the duration of the song. I used to say to my band mates, “It’s the only time when I’m thinking about nothing else.” I used to get funny looks from people when I said that.

Maybe this is why I feel music so deeply. Oftentimes I feel “high” when I’m listening to something I really love.

My brain feels so good going in a straight line through a song, and my mind is clear for just those few minutes.

I am/was a consultant doing IT-related work for companies/agencies.

In a nutshell...

- I was given a Task to do. - My Task was dependent upon another person doing their Task first. - The other person did not do their Task, causing a delay for me to do my Task. - I decided to no longer wait for the other person to do their Task, so I did my Task, and wrote a detailed email explaining that I could not do my Task 100% because the other Task was not done.  (I wrote this as nicely as I possibly could.) - The next day, the other person told the client they completed their Task.  I checked, and they did not complete their Task. - Five days later, when it was time to go over these Tasks with the client, I had to explain why my Task was not done 100%.  The other person kept cutting me off on the call, stating I was “talking too much”. - About 10 minutes after the call ended, I was told that I was taken off the project.

All I did was tell the truth of what happened.  I did not speak in a way that was vindictive or negative towards the other person.

The reason why the title of this post is “Terminated for refusing to lie.” is that this is the culmination of previous events in which the other person lied to the client by stating that certain work was done, but was not done at all.  I was even told by the other person on a previous occasion that I was giving the client “TMI” or “too much information”.  Apparently, the other person thinks that my telling the truth about what happened is TMI.  On more than one occasion, this person stated to me, “Less is more.”  And when the client asked me to give a detailed update of what happened, I responded truthfully.  The other person even wanted me to send them my response to the client’s question first.  I already sent my response directly to the client, because I didn’t trust the other person would respond truthfully on my part.

I refused to lie to the client, and the other person saw me as a “threat” because I essentially called them out on their bullshit.  I refused to cover the other person’s ass.  There was absolutely no way that I was going allow myself to look bad, and to “take a hit” because someone else didn’t do their part.

Now here’s the ADHD part.  I am doubting myself.  Was I too impulsive in this case?  Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.  The other person did say that I talked too much.  But I just couldn’t let the other person get away with lying, especially when it made me look bad.

And you’re genetically predisposed to have depression,

And you’re doing that thing that we ADHD’ers do sometimes, which is feeling very insecure and insignificant,

You have to turn on that switch!

And think about how you are going feel better.

You have to.

In that brain of yours that has about 217 thoughts running around at the same time

Pull out those thoughts that inspire you

Well, it has begun. I've hit my familiar pattern of messing up at work. I have a great job, but it's not ADHD-friendly at all. At the beginning, I did really well impressing people with my tremendous experience and great ideas.

But now, it's time to actually DO the work.

And it's fucking killing me. It's extremely detailed work, and I absolutely dread this phase of a work project. It's very tedious.

Of course this sounds incredibly lazy, right? This is the most difficult aspect of having ADHD. When you are expected to do some "thing", and that "thing" is really difficult because of executive function deficits of having ADHD. So you appear lazy, and you start the excuses and empty promises.

I have been late to our daily standup meeting at 8:30 for about 75% of the time. My commute takes about 2 hours, so if I don't leave the house by 6:30am I'm screwed.

I haven't produced the spreadsheet (one of my brilliant ideas) because of all sorts of problems with accessing the network or laptop software problems.

They are tired of my excuses. ☹️