Expressions of Frustrations
How do I begin this..... Do you know what it feels like to be constantly good at failing in everything? When you just lost it all and you cannot take it back anymore. When no matter what you do, things are never the same again. No, never. It feels like sinking at the bottom of pacific ocean with no hopes of seeing the blue sky ever again. The thing is, I've been through it and those thoughts still ache my heart. So, I'm telling you my life story once and for all.
All my life, people praised me for being the kristina who knows cheerleading, play seven different musical instruments, writes songs, dance, acts, active in school and the likes. Yet, I wasn't happy. Some others tell me that that they wanted to be me, but in my case, it's the other way around. Despite all these, I never bragged. As a matter of fact, i get this eerie feeling when they do that. I just don't like it. There wasn't a single thought that I was ahead of anyone. It felt normal to me like it's nothing to be proud of because I wanted more. Now, I'm not saying that being ambitious that you decided to push beyond your limits is bad. But if there is one thing I regret the most is the fact that I was not contented with what I am. Â Valuing my talent was something I did not do. You will understand this later on.Â
I had a dream. How wonderful life is to become an accountant, I thought. Yet the challenges they put us through is just so energy dropping. But I did not give up. I manage to make it 'till second year. The struggles we're just too much. But then again, I failed. A teacher gave me a failing mark for not following instructions and so they jumped into conclusions thinking that I cheated. That was the most life changing moment I've ever had. Why were they so quick to judge? Why wouldn't they listen? I didn't do that! I swear I didn't! But it ended so soon. Then I was the talk of the town. There were those who comforted me, giving me comforting messages in twitter and text which I'm really grateful  for in them, I get my strength. But the aftermath of it comes with excruciating pain that I have endured. There were nights when I cry myself to sleep. Days when I just lose my appetite to eat. Times, when I just stare at the walls with those words in a repeat button in my mind "You will be removed in the Accountancy Program". AHHHHHH! I just can't take it anymore. Why is life so unfair?  I cried to God. Why me? What have I done to be punish with these when they are purely accusations. Then it hit me that God was never cruel, but the people are. You have no idea how much I have sacrificed and put into bargain just for my studies. Because this is what I wanted.  I stop going to cheerleading trainings even if they were looking for me asking why I wasn't attending. I'm under the impression that this is way more important because this is career in the future we're talking about. And they just took it away as easy as that like I never deserve to be heard. Like I'm a piece of good for nothing trash to be thrown. Like I'm just a dirt in their shirts that needs to be dust off. So, I transferred school.  Why, was I shame? Yes. Not because I'm guilty of doing it because the "kristina" built a reputation in El consejo, graduated 2nd rank among 5 sections in HS with extra-curriculated awards, CHEATED. Of course that was the news. But who would believe me that I didn't do it? Only few would and I would not bother explaining myself to  believe my side of the story to anyone like as if all of them really did care for me in the first place. But thanks to them, I was an instant star with a wounded dignity. Also, it was just so hard for me to see how victorious my classmates are when here I am with a shattered dream. Lastly, I wouldn't want teachers who couldn't even give their trust to their student.
So, I changed school. But it did not alter a single thing. I was still in pain. So, I cut my hair. My straight, silky long, brown hair, gone. Say hello to my short black hair. I was just so determined to cut it. Also, to cut the connections of those people who caused me pain. But it did not stop there. Separation Anxiety comes in and you have no idea how big the burden I carry everytime someone just make me remember it. What do I answer them? The question is, do they ought to know? I was starting a brand new beginning and that is not something I would like to open up to random people there because I want to forget. Ofcourse, some idiots made fun of it. How insensitive of them. Did it ever crossed their mind that maybe reminiscing it pains me? that's how hard my life was and it just gets harder everyday. I wanted to burst out but I'm too beautiful to kill myself. So I cope up by going back to training. But it didn't help at all when knowing that you were once on top, now you're crawling at the bottom,
All I'm saying is, Understand a person more before you decided to kill them with your words.Â
