Of Space and Time

The reason I got a tumblr in the first place, was, simply put, because of Naya Rivera. I had just recently started Glee with a friend and I was immediately enamored by her. I was in high school, had a lot of free time, and spent the next few weeks catching up on all that I had missed so I could watch on TV with everyone else. But, I found myself constantly rewinding Naya’s clips; laughing at her lines and memorizing her performances. I related to her. At the time, I don’t think I truly knew the full-scope of why, but I knew that I did. I would come on tumblr and scroll through “#nayarivera” or “#santanalopez” for hours.

Her character made me feel something that I had never felt before, ever. She made me feel visible. Like someone finally saw me, for me. I related to her quick-wit, her constantly resorting to comedy— be it because she didn’t want to feel or she was feeling to much, and pretty much everything she did in between. Naya made her character everything I felt like I was. She was hard on the outside, but soft on the inside, and she felt everything deeply and passionately.

When her story line morphed into one about discovering her sexuality, I had a brief moment of panic. Soon, it absolved into something I could only describe as englightnement. She helped me understand parts of myself that, up until that point, I was petrified to admit.

Eventually, despite the hardcore fan that I was, I stopped watching. Never finished past the fourth season. I was growing up and moving on, and just wasn’t into it anymore. But I couldn’t let go of Naya for some reason. She felt like a part of me, if that makes sense. Even though I didn’t know her, it felt like she played such an integral part of my formative years. So, even though I was letting go of Glee, I couldn’t let go of her. I continued following her on social media, keeping up with her career, and rewatching some of my favorite moments of hers. I felt so much joy watching her transition into a new part of her life post-Glee. She seemed happy, and that made me happy. When she had her son, you could see the joy radiating off of her. Without ever being around her, you could just tell she was meant to be a mom. Her recent posts were full of so much happiness and love, it made me miss seeing her on TV, watching her sing and laugh. So, two weeks ago, I decided to start Glee all over. Figured it would give me a little seratonin boost with everything going on in the world.

When the news broke last week, the first thing I felt was numb. No tears, no panic... it was just complete and utter shock. I didn’t want to believe that there was even the slightest possibility that she was gone. I read the words “missing” and “presumed” and.... I held on to them. As horrible as they were, it was better than the alternative, harsh, and definitive reality that Naya Rivera could be dead. So, all week, I prayed. I combed through Twitter and news outlets obsessively to give me some slivers of hope. But every passing day it got worse. I was fighting back and forth with myself—— no updates means she still has a chance, but no updates also means her chances are getting more bleak. In the end, I decided on holding out hope until the very last second. Even after the news broke that they found a body this morning. I tried to tell myself that there was still a chance.

But if I’m being honest with myself, I knew. And I couldn’t come to terms with it. Quite honestly, I’m writing this post because I’m still struggling to. I got the confirmation that Naya was gone while I was at work today. Everything started moving in slow motion, and that’s when I really started to panic. I made an excuse that I had to run to the bathroom, and I ran. Right out of the room. I was alone, and it had never felt more painfully obvious than that before. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. A million thoughts were running through my mind and it felt as though I was trying to navigate a minefield. I thought of her beautiful son, her family and friends, her millions of fans, all of the memories that she left behind and those she would miss out on making....... and selfishly, I thought of myself. I thought of how I got there and why I was feeling the way that I was.

It felt like a small piece of who I am, died today. And I know, it sounds dramatic. Painfully so. I’m not an over-the-top person. I wasn’t running fan accounts or messaging her everyday. I wasn’t doing anything, which is kind of my point. I was just simply enjoying being in a world where Naya was existing at the same time I was. It brought me comfort having her as a constant. I would see posts on Instagram of her smiling and loving life and I was reminded of why I loved her so much in the first place, and what little impacts she had on me along the way. I never thought there would be a time where we didn’t exist together, apart.

And now we’re here. She’s gone, forever, and I’m trying to understand. Naya presumably has no clue the profound affect she had on me, as I’m sure is the case with millions of others. And that makes me more sad than I could possibly articulate. I feel, for lack of a better word, gutted. There’s this constant heaviness in my chest and it’s crushing and all-consuming. I don’t feel like myself, and I can’t possibly imagine what it feels like for those who were close to her.

I wish I could have thanked her for everything she has given me. But if I think about it, there are no words that I could possibly come up with that could accurately convey it all. Naya was so many things. She was breathtaking, talented beyond comprehension, kind, and an outstanding mother.

I’m writing this post, mostly for myself. Hoping to get some sort of closure and to remind myself, and anyone who might come across this, that it’s okay to grieve. I strugggled with whether or not what I’ve been feeling today made sense, because I’m feeling everything SO intenstly. But the fact is, I’m feeling it no matter what. No one can tell you how to process or how to navigate this incredibly tragic loss.

I truly don’t think I’ll ever get over Naya’s death completely. As time goes on, I know it will hurt less and less, but it’s going to be there regardless.

Naya Rivera changed my life. She helped shape me into the person I am today, and brought me closer to being able to love myself as I am. That being said, I’m heartbroken. I feel like the world was robbed of an exceptional person..... talent, charisma, laughs, and love. It brings me comfort knowing that Naya lives on through her son. The ultimate sacrifice she made for his safety is gut-wrenching, but speaks volumes about her as a person and mother.

Naya, all I can say is, thank you. You are so loved, and your legacy will live on far beyond today. Rest peacefully.

This is all hitting me so hard still. Like so many others, I didn’t know Naya, but I feel like I did. I find myself thinking about everything, all day, 24/7.

So much of it feels so wrong. I know it’s never going to make sense, but I’m hoping it gets just a little bit easier as time goes on.

I pray that her family and friends, especially her son, are able to find some sort of peace.

I’ve been talking to her at night to try and bring myself some comfort, and hoping that she hears me.

This is always going to hurt a little.

I grieve alongside all of the people Naya touched, and pray constantly that her loved ones are covered in love and peace.

The only comfort I have is that I know you’re keeping watch over all who loved you down here.

Grateful to have witnessed your beauty and grace.

The reason I got a tumblr in the first place, was, simply put, because of Naya Rivera. I had just recently started Glee with a friend and I was immediately enamored by her. I was in high school, had a lot of free time, and spent the next few weeks catching up on all that I had missed so I could watch on TV with everyone else. But, I found myself constantly rewinding Naya’s clips; laughing at her lines and memorizing her performances. I related to her. At the time, I don’t think I truly knew the full-scope of why, but I knew that I did. I would come on tumblr and scroll through “#nayarivera” or “#santanalopez” for hours.

Her character made me feel something that I had never felt before, ever. She made me feel visible. Like someone finally saw me, for me. I related to her quick-wit, her constantly resorting to comedy— be it because she didn’t want to feel or she was feeling to much, and pretty much everything she did in between. Naya made her character everything I felt like I was. She was hard on the outside, but soft on the inside, and she felt everything deeply and passionately.

When her story line morphed into one about discovering her sexuality, I had a brief moment of panic. Soon, it absolved into something I could only describe as englightnement. She helped me understand parts of myself that, up until that point, I was petrified to admit.

Eventually, despite the hardcore fan that I was, I stopped watching. Never finished past the fourth season. I was growing up and moving on, and just wasn’t into it anymore. But I couldn’t let go of Naya for some reason. She felt like a part of me, if that makes sense. Even though I didn’t know her, it felt like she played such an integral part of my formative years. So, even though I was letting go of Glee, I couldn’t let go of her. I continued following her on social media, keeping up with her career, and rewatching some of my favorite moments of hers. I felt so much joy watching her transition into a new part of her life post-Glee. She seemed happy, and that made me happy. When she had her son, you could see the joy radiating off of her. Without ever being around her, you could just tell she was meant to be a mom. Her recent posts were full of so much happiness and love, it made me miss seeing her on TV, watching her sing and laugh. So, two weeks ago, I decided to start Glee all over. Figured it would give me a little seratonin boost with everything going on in the world.

When the news broke last week, the first thing I felt was numb. No tears, no panic... it was just complete and utter shock. I didn’t want to believe that there was even the slightest possibility that she was gone. I read the words “missing” and “presumed” and.... I held on to them. As horrible as they were, it was better than the alternative, harsh, and definitive reality that Naya Rivera could be dead. So, all week, I prayed. I combed through Twitter and news outlets obsessively to give me some slivers of hope. But every passing day it got worse. I was fighting back and forth with myself—— no updates means she still has a chance, but no updates also means her chances are getting more bleak. In the end, I decided on holding out hope until the very last second. Even after the news broke that they found a body this morning. I tried to tell myself that there was still a chance.

But if I’m being honest with myself, I knew. And I couldn’t come to terms with it. Quite honestly, I’m writing this post because I’m still struggling to. I got the confirmation that Naya was gone while I was at work today. Everything started moving in slow motion, and that’s when I really started to panic. I made an excuse that I had to run to the bathroom, and I ran. Right out of the room. I was alone, and it had never felt more painfully obvious than that before. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. A million thoughts were running through my mind and it felt as though I was trying to navigate a minefield. I thought of her beautiful son, her family and friends, her millions of fans, all of the memories that she left behind and those she would miss out on making....... and selfishly, I thought of myself. I thought of how I got there and why I was feeling the way that I was.

It felt like a small piece of who I am, died today. And I know, it sounds dramatic. Painfully so. I’m not an over-the-top person. I wasn’t running fan accounts or messaging her everyday. I wasn’t doing anything, which is kind of my point. I was just simply enjoying being in a world where Naya was existing at the same time I was. It brought me comfort having her as a constant. I would see posts on Instagram of her smiling and loving life and I was reminded of why I loved her so much in the first place, and what little impacts she had on me along the way. I never thought there would be a time where we didn’t exist together, apart.

And now we’re here. She’s gone, forever, and I’m trying to understand. Naya presumably has no clue the profound affect she had on me, as I’m sure is the case with millions of others. And that makes me more sad than I could possibly articulate. I feel, for lack of a better word, gutted. There’s this constant heaviness in my chest and it’s crushing and all-consuming. I don’t feel like myself, and I can’t possibly imagine what it feels like for those who were close to her.

I wish I could have thanked her for everything she has given me. But if I think about it, there are no words that I could possibly come up with that could accurately convey it all. Naya was so many things. She was breathtaking, talented beyond comprehension, kind, and an outstanding mother.

I’m writing this post, mostly for myself. Hoping to get some sort of closure and to remind myself, and anyone who might come across this, that it’s okay to grieve. I strugggled with whether or not what I’ve been feeling today made sense, because I’m feeling everything SO intenstly. But the fact is, I’m feeling it no matter what. No one can tell you how to process or how to navigate this incredibly tragic loss.

I truly don’t think I’ll ever get over Naya’s death completely. As time goes on, I know it will hurt less and less, but it’s going to be there regardless.

Naya Rivera changed my life. She helped shape me into the person I am today, and brought me closer to being able to love myself as I am. That being said, I’m heartbroken. I feel like the world was robbed of an exceptional person..... talent, charisma, laughs, and love. It brings me comfort knowing that Naya lives on through her son. The ultimate sacrifice she made for his safety is gut-wrenching, but speaks volumes about her as a person and mother.

Naya, all I can say is, thank you. You are so loved, and your legacy will live on far beyond today. Rest peacefully.

This is all hitting me so hard still. Like so many others, I didn’t know Naya, but I feel like I did. I find myself thinking about everything, all day, 24/7.

So much of it feels so wrong. I know it’s never going to make sense, but I’m hoping it gets just a little bit easier as time goes on.

I pray that her family and friends, especially her son, are able to find some sort of peace.

I’ve been talking to her at night to try and bring myself some comfort, and hoping that she hears me.

This is always going to hurt a little.

I grieve alongside all of the people Naya touched, and pray constantly that her loved ones are covered in love and peace.

The reason I got a tumblr in the first place, was, simply put, because of Naya Rivera. I had just recently started Glee with a friend and I was immediately enamored by her. I was in high school, had a lot of free time, and spent the next few weeks catching up on all that I had missed so I could watch on TV with everyone else. But, I found myself constantly rewinding Naya’s clips; laughing at her lines and memorizing her performances. I related to her. At the time, I don’t think I truly knew the full-scope of why, but I knew that I did. I would come on tumblr and scroll through “#nayarivera” or “#santanalopez” for hours.

Her character made me feel something that I had never felt before, ever. She made me feel visible. Like someone finally saw me, for me. I related to her quick-wit, her constantly resorting to comedy— be it because she didn’t want to feel or she was feeling to much, and pretty much everything she did in between. Naya made her character everything I felt like I was. She was hard on the outside, but soft on the inside, and she felt everything deeply and passionately.

When her story line morphed into one about discovering her sexuality, I had a brief moment of panic. Soon, it absolved into something I could only describe as englightnement. She helped me understand parts of myself that, up until that point, I was petrified to admit.

Eventually, despite the hardcore fan that I was, I stopped watching. Never finished past the fourth season. I was growing up and moving on, and just wasn’t into it anymore. But I couldn’t let go of Naya for some reason. She felt like a part of me, if that makes sense. Even though I didn’t know her, it felt like she played such an integral part of my formative years. So, even though I was letting go of Glee, I couldn’t let go of her. I continued following her on social media, keeping up with her career, and rewatching some of my favorite moments of hers. I felt so much joy watching her transition into a new part of her life post-Glee. She seemed happy, and that made me happy. When she had her son, you could see the joy radiating off of her. Without ever being around her, you could just tell she was meant to be a mom. Her recent posts were full of so much happiness and love, it made me miss seeing her on TV, watching her sing and laugh. So, two weeks ago, I decided to start Glee all over. Figured it would give me a little seratonin boost with everything going on in the world.

When the news broke last week, the first thing I felt was numb. No tears, no panic... it was just complete and utter shock. I didn’t want to believe that there was even the slightest possibility that she was gone. I read the words “missing” and “presumed” and.... I held on to them. As horrible as they were, it was better than the alternative, harsh, and definitive reality that Naya Rivera could be dead. So, all week, I prayed. I combed through Twitter and news outlets obsessively to give me some slivers of hope. But every passing day it got worse. I was fighting back and forth with myself—— no updates means she still has a chance, but no updates also means her chances are getting more bleak. In the end, I decided on holding out hope until the very last second. Even after the news broke that they found a body this morning. I tried to tell myself that there was still a chance.

But if I’m being honest with myself, I knew. And I couldn’t come to terms with it. Quite honestly, I’m writing this post because I’m still struggling to. I got the confirmation that Naya was gone while I was at work today. Everything started moving in slow motion, and that’s when I really started to panic. I made an excuse that I had to run to the bathroom, and I ran. Right out of the room. I was alone, and it had never felt more painfully obvious than that before. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. A million thoughts were running through my mind and it felt as though I was trying to navigate a minefield. I thought of her beautiful son, her family and friends, her millions of fans, all of the memories that she left behind and those she would miss out on making....... and selfishly, I thought of myself. I thought of how I got there and why I was feeling the way that I was.

It felt like a small piece of who I am, died today. And I know, it sounds dramatic. Painfully so. I’m not an over-the-top person. I wasn’t running fan accounts or messaging her everyday. I wasn’t doing anything, which is kind of my point. I was just simply enjoying being in a world where Naya was existing at the same time I was. It brought me comfort having her as a constant. I would see posts on Instagram of her smiling and loving life and I was reminded of why I loved her so much in the first place, and what little impacts she had on me along the way. I never thought there would be a time where we didn’t exist together, apart.

And now we’re here. She’s gone, forever, and I’m trying to understand. Naya presumably has no clue the profound affect she had on me, as I’m sure is the case with millions of others. And that makes me more sad than I could possibly articulate. I feel, for lack of a better word, gutted. There’s this constant heaviness in my chest and it’s crushing and all-consuming. I don’t feel like myself, and I can’t possibly imagine what it feels like for those who were close to her.

I wish I could have thanked her for everything she has given me. But if I think about it, there are no words that I could possibly come up with that could accurately convey it all. Naya was so many things. She was breathtaking, talented beyond comprehension, kind, and an outstanding mother.

I’m writing this post, mostly for myself. Hoping to get some sort of closure and to remind myself, and anyone who might come across this, that it’s okay to grieve. I strugggled with whether or not what I’ve been feeling today made sense, because I’m feeling everything SO intenstly. But the fact is, I’m feeling it no matter what. No one can tell you how to process or how to navigate this incredibly tragic loss.

I truly don’t think I’ll ever get over Naya’s death completely. As time goes on, I know it will hurt less and less, but it’s going to be there regardless.

Naya Rivera changed my life. She helped shape me into the person I am today, and brought me closer to being able to love myself as I am. That being said, I’m heartbroken. I feel like the world was robbed of an exceptional person..... talent, charisma, laughs, and love. It brings me comfort knowing that Naya lives on through her son. The ultimate sacrifice she made for his safety is gut-wrenching, but speaks volumes about her as a person and mother.

Naya, all I can say is, thank you. You are so loved, and your legacy will live on far beyond today. Rest peacefully.

This is all hitting me so hard still. Like so many others, I didn’t know Naya, but I feel like I did. I find myself thinking about everything, all day, 24/7.

So much of it feels so wrong. I know it’s never going to make sense, but I’m hoping it gets just a little bit easier as time goes on.

I pray that her family and friends, especially her son, are able to find some sort of peace.

I’ve been talking to her at night to try and bring myself some comfort, and hoping that she hears me.

ho ho holy shit it’s almost christmas